Finding Ben : A Mother's Journey Through the Maze of Asperger's

by Barbara LaSalle

One mother's remarkable account of raising an Asperger's syndrome child.

Ben seemed to be an extraordinary child.

Born with a superanalytical mind, he was able to store hordes of information like a minicomputer. Yet, lurking beneath this boy genius's amazing, albeit useless, gifts for facts were an extraordinary fear of change and social aloofness. Unknown to his mother, Barbara, until much later, Ben suffered from Asperger's syndrome--the "little grown-up" disorder--a neurobiological disease similar to autism. Frank, honest, and beautifully written, Finding Ben is a remarkably moving account of Barbara LaSalle's struggles to understand--and overcome--the guilt she feels for not fully loving her son.

Burdened with the belief that the world would look at her son and somehow see her own failure, Finding Ben is a powerfully honest narrative account of how a mother's love can turn over time into resentment for having to raise a special-needs child.

It is through LaSalle's special friendship with Jack, a man full of wisdom despite his debilitating brain aneurysm, that LaSalle is finally able to love her son--and herself--again. With two stories to tell, Finding Ben is both a fascinating look at a mercurial disease and a powerful story of one mother's personal journey from frustration and resentment to love and acceptance.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Aspergers, Psychology, Autobiography, Memoir

304 pages, Paperback

First published December 30, 1999

Reviews

[Lisa Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was hard for me to read this book. I think it is so because my son has Asperger's also. But I am glad I finished it.

The mom in this book had a hard time loving and accepting her son for who he was. She did not see him only the problems then she met a man named Jack. Jack talked"about the beauty of the poetry of the in. The poetry of the out. There is beauty in it. See the whole thing the whole person through the token of the turmoil."

I believe he was saying that all of us have problems and want to be seen/loved/ accepted through our problems.

I almost did not finish this book because the mom made me mad because of her attiude toward her son but by the ed of the book I almost cried.

It was a tough/ rough read but worth it.

[Andria · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Yes it was true: Ben had no friends. But did he really need them? He had books and buses and libraries and city hall and the Los Angeles Times. He didn't have people, but he had things. Ben was fine the way he was. It was I who wasn't."

This, above anything else in the book, is what I needed to read. I need to remember to always look at my son like a self-contained human being with his own inner landscape. Who am I to try and make him like every other little boy out there?

This book is painful to read at times because of Barbara LaSalle's brutal honestly about her own inner world- her frustration and anger and fear which she (as any human will) sometimes even takes out directly on her son.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this memoir. The author's wide open honesty about her feelings and her son, made it easy for me to finish in a couple days. Memoirs are like this for me..when they are unabashadly honest.

[Novi Bobby · Rating 1 out of 5]

The story itself is touching. Seeing Ben's struggle is heart-breaking. I don't like how this book is written though. That's why I'm giving this book 1 star.

This story is mainly told by Ben's mom. I thought many times she sounds too whiny and focus more on herself than Ben's story. Maybe, originally the book was meant to show Ben's mom's feeling on how she dealt with raising a child with Asperger. But how it's written is exactly why it didn't do it for me.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow! What a sad book-----it broke my heart to think of how things were when this family was learning to live life with aspergers.

I am so incredibly blessed to have the advantage of time and knowledge and thank god every day for the life my son is able to have.

But man was I depressed after I read this one----exhausting!

[Ketab Dozd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended to all parents; as every child has problems in their own way

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

I ingested this book in one sitting. To say it was a bit of bibliotherapy for me is to put it lightly. It was also a heaping dose of tough love. My son is 13 years old and was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum at the age of 6. Though, I didn't have to endure a totally clueless society as did Ms LaSalle; I have felt the sting of a world that marches around with little colored ribbons attached to their lapels for any disease, syndrome, or affliction that they can physically see. For those, they will adapt, reach out, and bend. But, when the challenge is one that pits you against others, however, by seeming rudeness, total social isolation ensues, brought on by your own self just as much as by others, (yes, even me, his own mother.) I have read countless books, articles and journals about Aspergers syndrome, always with "how do I get to the bottom of my son" in mind. I thank Ms LaSalle for her stark, bold-faced honesty. Tough love indeed is how I read the story. For this is the first one that I read as "not how to fix him but how to fix YOU, his mother. I can identify with her disappointments, her humiliations, (especially with those public gastrointestinal upsets). I wish I could say that I did not, but I do. I can follow a string of therapies, interventions, and diets throughout his life where I felt I have relentlessly tried to "help him fit into his world." Not that I haven't appreciated his strengths, but I remained focused on the deficits and just how are we going to fix that? "Yes he has the IQ and ability to hold his own in any conversation with the likes of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, but he can't tie his own damn shoes!" I will heed the warning in her and Ben's journey, particularly with it's tragic episodes in the jail and psych wards, and stop seeing only my son's possible potential, but see him as he is right now, here, today. Of course, we are lucky that we live in a world more advanced in knowledge than the one Ben grew up in and Ethan and I benefit everyday from those very therapies, interventions, and diets and will continue to benefit from them. Yet, I saw a glimmer of their story in myself where by constantly trying to change him, I am hurting him. Through their story, I hope I can live more in the present with my son and revel in his whole self.

Thank you, Ben and thank you, Barbara, for sharing your story with me.

[Millie]

I don't like memoirs of misery and did not put this aside to read in order to "have a good cry" but I did cry at the end, it was from relief and empathy with Barbara. With a child on the ASD I was astonished how similar our emotional journies were, with all the incumbent feelings of guilt, frustration, self blame and anger with the child himself... Unless you have a special needs child who remains undiagnised for so long, it is hard to imagine the self recriminations one goes through. I was very moved by her journey and understood entirely the "tokens of turmoil" that weighed down her heart for so long. Mrs Lesalle writes with power and total honesty and managed to tell her son's story without taking it over. My heart bled for Ben as he was so simliar to my own much loved highly intelligent son.

I was curious to read Finding Ben as it was more about Barbara LeSalle's journey than Ben's. The book was beautifully structured and I respected her even more for including Ben's voice as a very moving authentication of her account.

I would recommend this book to any parent of an AS child or adult, you will hate her in places but I think only because at times we have hated ourselves for feeling so frustrated and powerless.

Thank you Barabra for writng the most real account of parenting an Asperger's child I have ever read. I send her, John, Ben, Stephen and David my love. Thank you,

[Paula Obermeier McCarty · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was an incredibly honest portrayal of the author's feelings. I can definitely relate to the frustration and disappointment involved with raising a child/adolescent with undiagnosed Asperger's. It seems like your entire life revolves around the questions: "What is wrong with my child?" and "What can I do to fix it?". It is even harder when others wonder, sometimes accusingly, why your child acts so different sometimes.

Anyway, the book was very well-written and very honest. I admire the fact that the author was willing to publish the reality of her shame and disgust. It's easy to be critical of that. My daughter was higher functioning and we had an incredible amount of support from various family members and our synagogue. This really was about her search and desperation to love and appreciate the beauty in her son. And that was very touching and beautiful.

I most enjoyed her writing about her visits with Jack and their conversation about the beauty and poetry of people on the out. That section alone would make this book well worth reading.

[Lolly K Dandeneau · Rating 5 out of 5]

I spent a few tears reading this touching book, I can relate as my own son has Asperger's and the struggle of the ordinary things most of us take for granted comes full focus in this memoir. She beautifully relates how it is a blessing and a painful experience raising a child that must learn to live in our world in his own way, often to the confusion of others, and more often to the frustration of a mother. Touching and revealing.

[Kipahni · Rating 2 out of 5]

Can I get a side order of extra large guilt to go with my wine?
I am not discrediting that it's hard to raise a child as in this circumstance but this book is just dripping in regret. I would have liked the author to look at her circumstances and say something like "YA I screwed up and ya it was hard, but this is what I learned, this is how I grew...."

[Erica Payne]

Hang on till the end. There are many times when you may feel frustrated with the mother/author (the story is autobiographical) but in the end you discover that is exactly the authors point as the author brings you along on her pen journey to learning to love her son exactly as God made him. An inspiring lesson for every parent.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping this book would give me some insight about noah. it scared me more then anything about what the future might look like for him, but it was a good book if you take the personal out of it!

[Vikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This mother writes the story of her son, Ben, who has Asperger Syndrome. This is exactly the book I wanted to read about Aspergers. It tells of the day to day life of a person with Aspergers. It tells what a person with Aspergers must go through daily. Excellent book.

[Ria · Rating 5 out of 5]

I could feel the desperation that Ben's mother felt. And I don't think if it happened to me, I could do it better. Sometimes I felt I don't agree with choices she made towards Ben, but I realized there were many tough phases and choices that she went through.

...fascinating stories.

[Santi Anggraini · Rating 4 out of 5]

affecting book

[Stephy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good story....Okay book.
The books was intense....A bit hard to read but it was okay I did enjoy it.

[Roxanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellent book about a mother and her autistic son, heartwrenching and healing...

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

After 8 years on this journey, to have someone put into words the daily struggle, caused me to just weep.
Thank you for putting into words what I have found as the "beauty of the out".

[Lynn · Rating 2 out of 5]

While the book was slightly informative, I felt the author spent entirely too much time whining about how challenged she was by her son's Asperger Syndrome.

[Lisa N · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting to read another mother's journey on the road with Aspergers. Especially loved the last chapter's message.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a wonderful book!

[Inmas santi · Rating 3 out of 5]

buku wajib bagiku sebagai orang tua anak dg aspergers