Dancing on My Grave: An Autobiography

by Gelsey Kirkland, Greg Lawrence

The shattering story of a dream which became a heartbreaking nightmare for one of America's most famous ballerinas, Gelsey Kirkland, who chronicles her brilliant start as a dancer with George Balanchine, her legendary partnership with Mikhail Baryshnikov, her agonizing descent into drugs, and her struggles to rise again.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Biography Memoir, Autobiography, Mental Health, Sports

Hardcover

First published January 1, 1986

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Update: Lord, I'd forgotten how difficult it is to read this book. Gelsey's pain is palpable. What is, perhaps, even more distressing is reading the response here on goodreads. Gelsey never intended to promote anorexia, drug addiction, or promiscuity. She doesn't deserve such contempt from readers. My own reservations aside, it was brave of her to write so candidly about addiction and mental illness, and of the (very real) abuses visited upon her. It's clear to me that she earnestly wishes to improve herself and the culture that exploited her. I respect her for that.

She's also the greatest ballerina of all time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-Tgfx...

Original Review:
It's about the "dark side" of ballet. I can appreciate that.

Sadly, and despite Kirkland's best efforts, it's one of those cautionary tales that amounts to thinspiration.

[Bethanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

It saddens me when readers rate a memoir based on their perceptions of an author’s choices and struggles.

Dancing on My Grave chronicles Kirkland’s journey to prima ballerina status while battling multiple addictions and bulimia. As you muddle through some of the more cringe-worthy details of her relationship with Mikhail Baryishnikov, you’ll probably find some of the passages in the book difficult to digest.

Still, Kirkland is brave and achingly honest in this memoir. I applaud Kirkland for her eyes-wide-open portrayal of the expectations and demands placed on professional dancers. If you’ve ever seen Kirkland dance, whether live or on film, you already know that she’s talented, strong, and extremely gifted.

Just once, I would love to see Kirkland’s memoir rated for the searing, candid account that it is -- instead of read reviewers' commentary on the mistakes she made along the way.

[Andy · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the greatest bad ass ballerinas of all time, Gelsey Kirkland's book is a wild testament to self-mutilation in pursuit of "ballet feet" - a sort of binding for art's sake -to "ballet body" aka anorexia and cocaine snuffling and other forms of rollercoaster recreation.
Her romance with Mikhail Baryshnikov gets a bit overwrought in places, but for the most part whether you like ballet or not I guarantee you'll bury your nose in this one for months to come.

[Emily · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think I might have liked this book IF...

#1 I knew who Gelsey Kirland was. Apparently she was a very famous ballerina and even danced with Baryshnikof (yes, I totally made up how to spell that). But she was pretty famous a few years before I was born...so I missed out.

#2 my thighs were not flabby and did not touch each other when I stand normally. My dream is to have those strong, muscular ballet thighs. Or, if I could have the really thin kind that have a space between them. Man, my jeans would wear out WAY less often if there was space instead of rubbing when I walked.

Anyways, I was under the impression that this book was about the lurid life filled with anorexia and cocaine. Not that I particularly support either of those things, but they sure would have made for an interesting book. Instead, the book briefly mentioned those two interesting things and decided to focus instead on boring stuff, like contract disputes and whining by the author. There were a couple days that she didn't eat. I think that was the anorexia part. And about 20 pages from the end she got hooked on coke. Even then, not so exciting.

Ok, so it got me to thinking about how my life could have spiraled out of control and end with me on cocaine. But by some smart self-defeating actions I saved myself. It all began with the 4th grade spelling bee.

I am a good speller. I don't always type the write spelling (hahaha), but I KNOW what the right spelling is. I beat out all the 5th graders in our school spelling bee, except one. All I had to do was out-spell one kid and I was going to the county bee. But I knew that meant that I would have to GO somewhere, ie not just do it during school while I was already there. My mom was always really weird about me participating in things. She was always "VERY" busy. I never did figure that out because she only had two kids (that she never allowed to do anything or go anywhere or take any lessons or do any sports) and she didn't have a job. I have no idea what that lady did all day. I always had to do the dishes, vacuum, take out the garbage, and fold the laundry including my parent's underwear (super upsetting!) Anyways, so I purposely misspelled a word so that I would NOT win and therefore have to explain to my mom that I had won and needed a ride to the next level of competition.

Also, I could not help but worry about WHAT IF I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM DURING THE SPELLING BEE!!!!! That was a terrible worry of mine for many years. Not specifically needing to pee during spelling bees, but needing to go in a public restroom. You are probably thinking I am a germophone. No. It was because I watched an episode of Magnum PI where TC's child got kidnapped when he went to the bathroom. The mother had let the child go by himself and the bad guys smuggled him out the bathroom window. Luckily TC was good buddies with Mangum PI, so the kid was recovered by the end of the show. But my parents did not know ANY private investigators. So who was going to find me if I got kidnapped from the bathroom?

I'm pretty sure that episode really affected my mom also because she would not even let me go to the bathroom alone. But instead of graciously accompanying me she would get really upset and act like it was a HUGE inconvience. Knowing that it was a big deal made me just have to go even more. It was an exhausting couple of years.

Anyway, the point is that I purposely lost the spelling bee and therefore saved myself from a life of fame that would have surely spiralled into anorexia and drugs.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Gelsey Kirkland's dancing: 5 stars. Gelsey Kirkland's memoir of dancing: meh. Some here indicate this is required reading for any aspiring ballet dancer, and I'll grant you that it will give you an eye-opening look at the dark side of the dance world. But the focus here is on a mess of a woman who would have found destruction no matter her vocation. I did find it an interesting insight into the world of Balanchine, though, so for that there was value. Beyond that, however, I think an aspiring dancer could do better spending their time studying the lives of successful people who happened to dance, than to focus on this successful dancer who was a mess of a person.

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really lost patience with this book. It was at least 100 pages too long and seemed to be written too soon, before any of the wounds had healed. She wrote with a chip on her shoulder, which failed to evoke any pity from me, and I came away without a solid understanding of why she put herself through all of that in order to dance. Did she love it? If you watch videos of her dancing, it's incredible, but all you see in this book is the pain and the hurt feelings and a lot of "poor me." Plus, are we really supposed to believe that she quit drugs cold turkey, all on her own? This book is gossipy and melodramatic and largely ugly--everything that Suzanne Farrell's book is not. Read hers or Toni Bentley's instead--they show that it's possible to write about the world of ballet, which is admittedly a tough world to live in, graciously and elegantly. This book has neither of those qualities.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

My dance teacher told me about this book, and mentioned Gelsey Kirkland's hellish descent into drug abuse, eating disorders, messed up relationships, et al. I kept reading and reading, and the book was good, but I was like, "okay, so her relationships are totally messed up, but where's the coke?" Well, believe me, it takes awhile but it sure does deliver the goods!!! At one point, she actually does a line of sweet and low. I remember that was a joke in high school. Anyway, this was totally entertaining, a well-written trashy memoir.

[Jeanette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sad tale of feminine insecurity turned to physical ends and driven extremes. I read this decades ago and it held much more shock by readers then. And she had successful outcomes in her career, but think of those who have not. I thought of this book when I saw the more recent generic Black Swan movie.

[Melinda · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bleah. Why did I want to read this book? I read it years ago when I was interested in Barishnikov's defection from Russia, and also when I was following the careers of ballerinas he danced with. Why I was struck to read it again is beyond me.

This is a pitiful story. Gelsey Kirkland was a gifted dancer, but from the beginning lost and insecure. The daughter of an older alcoholic father (he had 5 marriages and 5 heart attacks), she spends the rest of the book seeking for someone to love her.

She is immature, foolish, and destructive at an age when most people have grown up. She falls into eating disorders then cocaine drug use. Her rage at the doctors who treat her in the mental institution is terrible to see.

And the end? She does grow up some and see her own responsibility for the mess she has become, and she tries to make amends with many of those who had helped her and she hurt or used them. But in doing additional reading, I find that the husband she had found at the end of this book is no longer her husband.

I give her credit for the honest and open view she gives into the world of ballet. I give her credit also for writing about the things that she has done which were terrible. I also give her credit for wanting to try to make things better.

How sad for her that she wasted her dancing, wasted relationships with other dancing professionals (her relationship with Barishnikov was almost irreparably damaged by her very foolish treatment of him), and now has wasted a marriage she had written about as "saving" her. So she ends up as she began.... lost and insecure.

[Leslie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The cover claims this starts as a fairy tale. That is untrue.

Nonetheless, the first 5/6 of the book were fascinating for one entirely uninitiated to ballet. Gelsey Kirkland's explorations, questions, insistence on pursuing art for art's sake in the form of dramatic dance, gave me (I think) previously unknown insight into the expressiveness and creativity of movement.

Her relationship with Mikhail Baryshnikov frequently made me want to scream. His two-dimensionality outside the ballet, and her dependence on him, were excruciating. But he redeemed himself somewhat in his, however misguided, attempts at a kind of stand-offish help and support during her battles with drug addiction. Maybe in a limited way he loved her.

After 5/6 of the book it becomes nightmarish in a drug-induced haze. I suppose there isn't much else she can say for herself in the early '80's--drugs prevent that kind of insight and analysis that had previously characterized her writing, and she could only write that she socialized with those who supported her habit, missed lots of appointments, and gave performances not worthy of the skill that she had slaved to develop, but which were often critically acclaimed.

Fortunately, she did ultimately work through her addiction by finding what appears to have been one of the first mutually supportive and creatively and spiritually matched relationships she had with a man in her life. It sounds as though she is turned to learning up a storm of classical "greats" and beginning to share her knowledge with up-and-coming dancers, finding a way of healthfully nurturing and being nurtured. Wikipedia says she's doing well.

[Cherry Radford · Rating 5 out of 5]

My favourite dancer biography, despite stiff competition. I have a massive crush on this woman; how could she dance like that (see YouTube) and write like this? Passionate, beautifully written account of her struggle with her demons (including her feelings for Baryshnikov) to achieve her dream of artistic perfection. Couldn’t put it (or the sequel) down.

[Ozma · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to stop reading this book. It was too painful. The author is/was a famous ballerina, who was emotionally and, arguably, physically abused by George Balanchine, the founder of her ballet company and American ballet as we know it actually. I thought it would be fun to read about her stories of being a ballerina. Boy, was I wrong! I had to stop because it was causing me pain to read about the things she had to do for ballet, some of which was also brought on by her own mental issues. When she asked Balanchine to help her with her significant physical pain (at the age of, I believe, 17!), he pooh poohed it and told her to drink red wine. What? Before I became a mom, I possibly could have read this book. The abuse she underwent would have been something I could have compartmentalized. But all I could see and feel was an abused girl (being treated as a sophisticated woman). Even if only a fraction of what she says is true, she was a pawn in the world of "ballet" as Balanchine has created it for us. Imagine reading a book that makes you feel ill about something you love and find beautiful, that, in fact, the man who created the version of that thing, as you know it, was doing shortcuts, dumbing things down, not doing the proper version of it because he wanted to ram it down our throats and make money. Now imagine that he put his staff through physical torture deliberately. I don't know if I can ever see ballet again. I had to stop. It was truly interesting though to read this book after reading 2 other novels about ballerinas. I can see exactly where the other authors obtained some of their ideas from for their books, both because they probably lived it and because Ms. Kirkland lived it. I might have been able to keep going except that Ms. Kirkland had so much venom for Balanchine, who was her boss for the portion of the book I read, that the reading was feeling toxic to me. Balanchine even played Ms. Kirkland against her sister, and she, herself, played along. I couldn't help but feeling I had been recruited, unknowingly, into being Ms. Kirkland's therapist (and not a good one at that). When this book originally was published, it was before internet and the cable news era so perhaps it was less jarring of a read when not also accompanied by the daily bad news that we cannot escape from in the internet age. If you want to continue to like ballet, then don't read this book.

[Barbikat60 · Rating 5 out of 5]

By the time you get to the miserable part, you forget about the beginning which pretty much paved the way to Gelsey Kirkland's misery. I would suggest this book to anybody who "leisurely" uses drugs all the time and thinks that things are under control to read this book. When I first read this book, I felt sorry for her little knowing that I was months away from the same struggle. Addiction doesn't care if you're a homeless vagrant or a world class ballerina. I'm nine years sober now and I cringed so much because I saw so much in her. The relationships, work wise and romantic wise struck a chord in me so hard that it was hard to me to finish the book. I did finish the book and I look forward to reading her next book. I know she has a dance school now and I'm so happy that Gelsey Kirkland is thriving. If you want to know all about the Ballet and destructive relationships, this book is for you.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to actually buy a used paperback to read this book - it's apparently out of print and has never been licensed as an ebook (where are you, Open Road Media?). I remember seeing Kirkland on 60 Minutes when this book was originally published back in the 80s and thinking I wanted to read it, but never got around to it. I just recently read Turning Pointe: How a New Generation of Dancers Is Saving Ballet from Itself which talked about how younger dancers are the hope of ballet.

Kirkland was a principle dancer both in the New York City Ballet & The American Ballet Theater in the 1970s and 1980s where she dealt with eating disorders caused by the pressure to stay thin and recurring injuries from the stresses placed on a ballerina's body by the demands of ballet. But her biggest problem seemed to be that she had no self esteem and never believed the good things people said about her or the gushing reviews in the papers, but only believed the negative things she heard from people in her business.

I wish I had seen her perform - she wanted to bring emotion to her performances rather than being satisfied with the technical performance of the steps. Even the still photographs of her look as if she's flying across the stage.

[Eliza · Rating 3 out of 5]

Uncommon fare for me, but after coming across this in a second hand bookstore I was intrigued by the blurb ‘ a descent into anorexia, drugs and personal torment in an obsessive search for perfection’ in conjunction with the title. I’d never heard of Kirkland which seems a sad omission given her obvious equivalence (superiority?) with Baryshnikov who is still a household name. The memoir is well-written, slyly humorous and self-deprecating. It also offers fascinating glimpses into both the Black Swan style world of ballet (source material?) and broader societal expectations - very much of its time but also sadly highlighting traits that are still much in evidence. Although you see Kirkland growing in self-awareness and actualisation it still feels like she has some way to go - the memoir runs up to the point of writing in the mid 80s.

I confess to skipping some parts of the ballet details - which are specific and minute. However, they do exemplify the levels of obsessive commitment required to excel in this and similar fields whilst providing understanding around the blurring of boundaries with other addictions of the mind and body.

Gossipy with some high brow culture.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is super readable; I finished it in an afternoon without even meaning to! You can really sense her pain and struggles, though most of it was brought on by herself. I did feel bad for her at times, but she takes almost no accountability for her role in any of it.

Also, literally most of the book is basically her hating on Baryshnikov. I took all of that with a grain of salt because I think when she wrote the book she was not far enough removed from the situation to have a clear point of view; a lot of times she was totally unprofessional and he was super frustrated with her; and, try as she might, he just didn’t love her. I’m not even sure that she really loved him either. I think she fell in love with who she wanted him to be, the persona on stage, not who he is. I’m sure he was a very tough partner and artistic director, but I really don’t believe he is the cold hearted bastard she makes him out to be.

I know she has another book, and I haven’t read it, so maybe she takes more accountability for her actions there.

One thing can’t be denied though, she is one hell of a great dancer.

[Eliza · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing story and told beautifully. really engaging and makes you think while also being a page turner

[amanda :) · Rating 2 out of 5]

i mean like yeah super sad and shit and hella relatable. butttt this book was a brick to read, hella slow, and there was just a lot of what i felt as unnecessary info.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you see her dance it’s seems so smooth and effortless. Actually, a ballerinas experience is one of constant pain. A wonderful book for ballet enthusiasts.

[Boo · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5⭐️

[Emily Wohlers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ummm wowowowowow

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

For any ballerinas out there this book is a must read. I read this at age 12 when dance was my life. (but I would never let my 12 year old read this-there is adult material in it) The book is a memoir of Gelsey Kirkland from the NYC ballet, a dancer who I had watched every year on PBS with her partner Baryshnikov (Misha).

From Publishers Weekly:
Rarely has a performing artist probed so searchingly and satisfyingly into the wellsprings of creativity as ballerina Kirkland does in this incandescently lyrical memoir written with her husband, whom she met while knocking on the door of a drug dealer's apartment. That is only one item of scandalous interest in an autobiography that resembles Billie Holiday's Lady Sings the Blues in its startling, brutal honesty. But, unlike celebrity autobiographies that mistake "juicy" anecdotes for self-revelation, Dancing on My Grave is also an intellectually stimulating portrait of the artist at war with tradition, with family, friends, lovers and colleagues, but most frustratingly, with herself. The 34-year-old Kirkland, who triumphed at the New York City Ballet and American Ballet Theater in the 1970s, reveals her one-time addiction to cocaine; that her affair with dancer Patrick Bissell was predicated on their mutual addiction to the drug; that both her romantic and artistic relationships with Baryshnikov were untenable because of his adolescent and unrelenting narcissism ("How was it possible that Misha's resources as an artist, so evident in performance, were different from those of his basic personality?"); that in 1981 she committed herself to a Westchester psychiatric hospital, even as she knew that her anorexia, bulimia and drug addiction were only symptoms of deeper emotional problems. The memoir also serves as a devastating critique of the American dance establishment that cannot be ignored. New York City Ballet founder George Balanchine (who gave Kirkland amphetamine "vitamins" on a tour of the U.S.S.R.) emerges as patronizing, vindictive, petty but still a genius. Through the 1970s and early 1980s, Kirkland nearly paid with her life for "the passivity and guilt instilled by the Balanchine system"a dance theater that valued speed and form over dramatic content. "Don't think, dance," Kirkland was told. The ballerina's disaffection with that dictum is at the heart of this book: "To speak through the dance, to articulate something beyond the steps, was the precise art for which I struggled." Kirkland spares neither the reader nor herself in this memoir full of poetic insights into art and life, and we must be grateful that the dancer, always "seen but not heard," has at last given her inner soul voice in this magnificent autobiography.

[Rachel Swords · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Dancing on My Grave" is the first of two autobiographies of one of America's most celebrated ballerinas, Gelsey Kirkland, who is possibly best known for her role of Clara thanks to the filmed production of "Baryshnikov's Nutcracker." Though the book is no longer as controversial as it was upon its initial release, Kirkland's memories may be surprising to some- that her legendary partnership with Baryshnikov was not all smiles and glamour, and her New York City Ballet years showcase a negative look at the unofficial founder of American ballet, George Balanchine. The majority of the book discusses her dancing years and mindset, with the last third showing her fall from grace and battle with a cocaine addiction. This section of the story is particularly frustrating, as Kirkland relapses again and again. All in all, "Dancing on My Grave" is written in an easy, conversational manner, and is an interesting read for ballet/culture lovers or biography bibliophiles.

[Megan Bettis · Rating 4 out of 5]

The true life story full of sex, drugs, and ballet.

...

I reread this for the first time in years at my mother's suggestion. Kirkland's description of the life/structure of life within NYCB (and the dance world in general), the physical and artistic struggles as a ballerina, and the emotional anguish caused by work, love, addiction, etc. were disturbing if only for their accuracy. She goes into great detail about the different challenges of dance (including technical aspects), so that non-dancers can understand and follow without much problem.

Kirkland is a fascinating woman. Her self-actualization combined with the ability to verbally express her feelings impartially and relay her former life is exceptional.

[Mary K · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brutally honest memoir by a famous ballerina who fell from one disaster to another. But the book is also a lovely educational tome where I learned a lot about ballet. I found myself googling various dances and dancers, during times when I was more caught up in Kirkland's description of ballet, leaving her story from time to time.

Undoubtedly fame contributed to her many difficulties, but it's the driven personality, insecure and unable to find a balance in life, that really leads to one's downfall. She seems to understand this, even though she was still very young when she wrote this book (it's 30 years old).

Kirkland still seems to be around the world of dance, teaching now. Good for her.

[Donette · Rating 3 out of 5]

This autobiography is about that famous ballerina of the 70's, Gelsey Kirkland. She is most commonly known for her part as 'Clara' in Mikhail Baryshnikov's 'The Nutcracker'. Anyway I thought this book would be simply written as most autobiographies written by those of a different trade are but it was much the opposite. This story of her life was a whirlwind of information both descriptive and devistating. I was dizzy with facts and information about the secluded world of the professional ballet dancer. It is amazing the dedication to perfection but the complete disregard for or respect to the human body there was. Definately an eye opener.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another intense ballerina book. Gelsey Kirkland is phenomenally tallented but manic about ballet. After studying and dancing with the New York City Ballet School and company, Kirkland dances for American Ballet Theater. She does lots of cocaine in the bathroom stalls between rehearsals.

The book also chronicles her relationship with her body--which equates to several eating disorders and describes her intersting choices of men, one of whom committs suicide. All in all not a particularly cheerful book, but quite gripping.

[Renee · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. I learned much more about ballet than I expected, and I felt Gelsey was very open and honest about her struggles with confidence, eating disorders, drugs, and loving difficult people. Her passion for ballet and quest for perfection came across so well, and I liked when she showed how the reviews were positive regardless of how she felt she danced. She always had her own standards, and sometimes she was pleased with her performances. It was very interesting to see into this world. Well-written.

[Christe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gelsey Kirkland's 1986 memoir and expose of the ballet world - her brilliant beginning, her tempestuous relationships with Balanchine and Baryshnikov, her sad descent into cocaine addiction and psychiatric crises, her resignation from ABT and eventual recovery. She presents herself as self-critical and lacking in confidence, but also exceedingly willful and stubborn in pursuit of what she conceived to be the purpose of ballet. Well-written (written with her husband Gregory Lawrence) analysis of the physical and emotional processes involved in ballet itself.

[Audra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book for me hit so close to home, Being an ex-dancer of 33 years. It told you the honest truth about the behind the scenes and a the not so pretty secrets of the ballet world and it's glorious & graceful dancers. Gelsey is one of my Heroes and just as a dancer, but as person, for me to learn how she dealt with and conquered all her obsticles. She is a true Inspiration to me & she be to all dancers. In my opinion this was a wonderful book and should be read by all in the dance world.