The Joy of Writing Sex: A Guide for Fiction Writers

by Elizabeth Benedict

Twelve years after it was first published, The Joy of Writing Sex remains the classic writer's resource on creating compelling sex scenes. Elizabeth Benedict covers all the issues, from the first time, to married sex and adultery, to sex in the age of AIDS.

Her instruction, supported with examples from the works of today's most respected writers—among them, Dorothy Allison, Russell Banks, Alan Hollinghurst, Joyce Carol Oates, Carol Shields, and John Updike—focuses on crafting believable sex scenes that hinge on freshness of character, dialogue, mood, and plot.

In this revised edition, Benedict addresses the latest sexual revolution, intimacy on the Internet; adds new interviews with Edmund White, Darren Strauss, Stephen McCauley, and other writers; and updates her selections to include examples from the best fiction of the past few years.

Genres: Writing, Nonfiction, Erotica, Reference, Sexuality, Romance, How To

256 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Me: Lots of books, zillions of essays and articles. This season: REWRITING ILLNESS: A VIEW OF MY OWN. A very serious and kinda funny take on how my lifelong fear of illness collided with actual illness in 2017. I survived. I had time to think about doctor-speak, patient-speak, death, health insurance, CANCER, my husband, my friends, did I mention CANCER? I love this blurb: "As though Nora Ephron had written a book called 'I Feel Bad About My Tumor.'" --Thomas Beller.

I'm the author of the novels ALMOST and SLOW DANCING, and of THE JOY OF WRITING SEX: A GUIDE FOR FICTION WRITERS, and editor of three anthologies: ME, MY HAIR AND I: 27 WOMEN UNTANGLE AN OBSESSION, the NYTIMES bestseller, WHAT MY MOTHER GAVE ME: 31 WOMEN ON THE GIFTS THAT MATTERED MOST and MENTORS, MUSES & MONSTERS: 30 WRITERS ON THE PEOPLE WHO CHANGED THEIR LIVES.

I coach kids applying to college and grad school with their application essays at www.DontSweatTheEssay.com. Maureen Corrigan, on "Fresh Air" raved about ALMOST days after 9/11, and Anne Tyler reviewed THE BEGINNER'S BOOK OF DREAMS, saying, "The marvel is that such a sad book could be such a joy to read."

Reviews

[Candace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Writing sex is not a sex manual according to Elizabeth Benedict. Sex, in this book, is "anything that can end in orgasm -- if your lucky, that is." (p. 5) It looks at "examples involving heterosexuals, gays, lesbians and, yes, masturbation." (p.5) The books "aim is to help you write well about sex." (p.3)

I found this book helpful and instructive. The examples are more literary. To find more modern examples, I would suggest a recently published edition of this book or researching on the internet.

[Gail Carriger · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book wasn't quite what I was hoping for. It is written like a textbook for the high school or early college classroom. It is repetitive in it's points, which are often too general to be practically useful. The author is also constantly apologetic, saying multiple times how sorry she is she can't include all the passages out of X wonderful book or Y wonderful book. I wish there were a great deal more analysis and less descriptions of other author's work. I also would have liked some more visual instruction: statistics, graphs, mind maps, outlines, etc. Mostly, her chapters are comprised of paragraphs of description followed by a small sample followed by a few paragraphs of analysis, followed by repeat bullet points of the same analysis. Sometimes it veers into a history lesson, and I care less about what was written, than how it can be written now. The best bits are certainly the break down of other author's words. As for her samples, I wish she had also chosen more popular - and less literary - fiction. I wanted some analysis of commercial and genre works, e.g. popular romance writers who make their living writing good sex scenes and why they are so good and sell so well. I'm much less interested in great works of literature like Lolita and their effect on the society of that day. In the end, this book disappointed me, it just wasn't what I was looking for as a writer trying to improve her sex scenes.

P.S. She entirely ignores power play, BDSM, kink, poly encounters (there is 1 threesome), and eroticism of the body, as well as them mind, not to mention the farcical or the silly. I don't think it would have cheapened the book to have acknowledged some element of sexual hunger for its own sake, rather than constantly harping on background motives and feelings. "Literature" can be so very vexing.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a book for a casual reader who simply wants to skip to the "good parts" of some books. Instead, this is a well-researched guide for writers who want to write convincing, realistic sex scenes that will be included in stories that involve a much larger context.

This is written in a how-to fashion, by setting up the overall premise of the book, talking about different scenarios that logically would include sex, and offering examples (from novels and short stories) of successful sex scenes and interviews with some of the writers who wrote them. At the very end, there even are a couple pages that include helpful exercises for those who want to practice writing about sexual encounters in various ways.

The version I read was the revised version. A couple notable updates include the chapter concerning writing about sex in the AIDS age and the chapter on solo/cybersex. There are potions that are a bit repetitive, in that some of the same interview quotes (albeit helpful ones) are used several times and several of the same books are referred to for examples over and over again. Then again, even though it may seem tedious to note in every single chapter that the scenes always should reflect the characters included in them, sometimes writers forget that and go for titillation when dialog or additional character development may be necessary (so the reminder is, in fact, a necessary one).

Written in a style that begets the content, this book is useful for writers who need to overcome the "uncomforts" of writing about sex so that they can just do it, so to speak.

[Erika Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve recently started an ambitious project for myself, a modern chick lit based on a historical event, and in the course of writing it, I asked myself the very important question of how much sex did I want to include. On the one hand, I have my mother trying to convince me that none of my books need sex. On the other, chick lit is the only romance genre you can take liberties with who your heroine has sex with (just as long as it’s not as good as what she finally experiences with the hero), and it’s probably the only way I will ever get two specific historical figures to have sex with each other in any capacity. Not exactly the best reason to include a sex scene in any type of work, but there you have it.

While I was pondering this epic decision, I decided to reread Benedict’s The Joys of Writing Sex, a book I picked up on a whim a few years ago at the Half Price Book Store. If I could recommend just one book on writing, this would be the one. If you’re looking for a bit of advice on how to make your sex scenes sizzling and juicy, this is not the book you’re looking for. For that, I recommend going to the internet, doing some reading and seeing what works and doesn’t work. This book is not a manual on how to write sex scenes at all, which, quite frankly, I could probably use one of those as well.

No, what this book does is use specific examples on what makes a sex scene good. Not good in the sense of titillating, but good in the sense of what works for whatever piece you are currently working on.
In fact, the author stresses that a good sex scene can actually include bad sex. What makes a sex scene good, a sex scene that sticks with us beyond the mechanics, is one that teaches us something more about the work. It can tell us something about the characters, the setting or the plot, but it has to add something to the story. If a sex scene is included just to titillate, to arouse the reader or the author, then it’s just porn. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but since I don’t like pointless sex scenes in what I’m watching or reading, it’s highly unlikely that I’m going to include them myself.

I would highly recommend this book to any writer who wants a break-down of what makes good sex work. If your sex scenes are already working, you probably don’t need to read this book. There’s also a great chapter dedicated to getting rid of your critics, the voices inside your head or outside that tell you that you shouldn’t be writing such filthy things. So, mom, when I send you copies of my books, I’ll be sure to sharpie them out first.

[Cornelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a nonfiction book for fiction writers. I recommend this book for any romance writer - writing any love scenes and especially those writing erotica romance love scenes. Most people, who are not writers, think writing sex scenes have to do with writing sex, but as the mind is the most important organ in sex, you have to write strong conflict in a love scenes and you have to describe sensations and feelings in a way that's real and unique and keep in mind the love scene also has to reveal more about the characters and move the plot forward. In other words it takes some high quality writing and good skill with the craft to create a strong, moving, believable love scene. This book did help me improve my love scenes and I am sure it will do the same for other writers.

[Meirav Rath · Rating 5 out of 5]

My dad bought me this book. Yup. For my slash fanfiction. Yup.

But anyways...this is a very, very VERY helpful book, covering almost every sexual situation possible in fiction with great examples, a flowing style and wonderfully useful tips which are easy to do even for a fourteen year old fangirl who wants to amuse her class with a smutty story about two of their favorite anime characters (BTW, not the kind of slash I wrote...well...I wasn't fourteen whe I read this book...)
This is a very useful book and I highly recommend it to writers, even if they never plan on writing sex scenes.

[Sarah Schantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book about writing sex. It shows how to write good sex by providing examples of sex scenes that are well-written. Furthermore, Benedict seems to have covered every possible sub genre within the larger genre. When she explained her reason for not addressing sexual abuse, I was profoundly touched. She pointed out so simply, yet also quite eloquently, that sexual abuse is NOT sex; it is violence. I highly recommend this book to anyone interested in becoming a better writer.

[Jibran · Rating 3 out of 5]

"In scenes of illicit sex, at least two things, if not more, must be happening at once: sex and politics sex and history, sex and defiance."

[Jayson Ho · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good sex scene should always be about sex - and something else.

So is the recurring advice throughout this book, but it does prove that the best way to write about intimacy is always in connection with the bigger picture of the story.

As Charles Baxter once said in an interview: "Who is more naked, the person who takes all clothes off, or the person who says 'I love you'?"

[Merce Cardus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intended to help writers craft better sex scenes. It's filled with lots of examples. http://goo.gl/a5B0v

[Anyta Sunday · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5

Not what I was expecting or after, though some good points about emotion are brought up. There were some great passages and examples of various types of sex-scenes in here, though. Well worth the read even if it wasn't quite what I wanted.

[Aneesa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every scene should accomplish at least two things.

[Michelle Ham · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three stars. book 30

This was fairly outdated but provided some interesting chapters. Excerpts from many novels were included and emphasised the aim of the book: to show the reader how to approach writing sex scenes that, while they may well titillate, also exist to deepen character and plot, and drive home particular themes and philpsophies. A broad range of issues are explored: adultery, AIDS, LGBT, taboo, internet and even married sex.
So it was less about the mechanics of writing sex and more about how it can enrich stories.
The excerpts from novels were not always my cup of tea, but it served it's purpose: the potential conflict, drama, revelations and/or heartbreak that comes with sex provides the brave writer with a torrential downpour of material to work with.
#bookreview #thejoyofwritingsex #elizabethbenedict

[Shara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book back in Barnes & Noble during the summer of 2005. I was thrilled to find it, because everyone and anyone has a theory of how sex should be handled in fiction, when in truth, the subject is far more complex than most people give it credit for, especially for fiction. And since I knew my own work would feature some kind of sexual overtones, if not the dirty deed itself, I figured I needed all the help I could get. :)[return][return]No need to get into a long-winded review: I think this is an excellent resource for writers of all genres, though I don’t know if romance writers will find it enlightening or old hat. But the book focuses on a variety of sexual relationships and the uniqueness of each. The book also stresses that sex should be more than gratuitous or entertainment (it’s heavy in the literary way of looking at this), it should serve to do something aside from hooking two characters up. There’s a lot of focus on character motivation and desires and how that should define sex scenes in novels, and there’s plenty of examples from various works of fiction.[return][return]I think it’s fortunate that we live in a society where sex is prominent in fiction, film, and television. We’re not so gun-shy anymore about talking about it or reading about it, so chances are, you’ve been exposed to a variety of sex scenes while reading without really being “aware” of it. I think that’s the author’s point: sex should be so integrated to the characters and story as a whole that it’s a natural thing to come out of the book. There’s also a focus on intimacy between people, which is equally important. I can easily recommend this book to any writer faced with the possibility of writing a sex scene. It might give you ideas, or at the very a least, a new way to look at a familiar subject.

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick review for a quick read. This was actually a much better book than I thought it would be going into it, particularly for the strength of Elizabeth Benedict's expansions on each topic within the measure of writing sex in fiction, and examining a variety of relationships and intimacies while doing so. Originally written in 1995, but updated in 2001, "The Joy of Writing Sex" was not so much a how-to book as much as it was a "things you need to be aware of while writing" book. It explores quite a bit on the measure of writing sex within fiction, from barriers that writers may face, to the dynamics of the different types of relationships and sexual encounters that people may have - first times, married couples, recreational interludes, adultery, etc. The examples given for each section are well worth looking into and even gave me some narratives for reference I've never read before.

This is limited in quite capacities though, because even with the revision being penned in 2001, there's a part of it that still feels dated and it really doesn't cover that much when it comes to specific genres or even in the considerations of writing sexual interludes that transcend boundaries (though it does touch on that with some references). I do think this is a must read for people who write in romance or erotica, or even in any genre fiction where they may write in some capacity on sex and the complexities of the dynamic relationship between their characters. For me, it defnitely got the gears turning in my head with respect to considering the relationships that I pen in fiction (I haven't really written many in this consideration, but it's making me want to go back to a few unfinished projects and look at them with a different eye after reading this work).

Recommended.

Overall score: 3.5/5 stars

[_inbetween_ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good book.
But!
As with the handful of Teach Yourself To Write Erotic/Romantic/Fantasy/Fiction, it seems the only guides I ever read only tell me what I already know. Having the results of years of pondering agreed upon by "experts" might sound nice, but it is rather frustrating and makes me wonder if we are ever able to learn from others at all, or only take in that what we already know anyway?

I'll try to read it from cover to cover now, littering it with my post-its as I've been want to - hardest so far is seeing gay as the exception, not what Benedict has as the overall topic.

ETA: although she has a lot of emphasis on gay anyway, which is explained in the AIDS chapter as those writers by necessity having more experience to talk about aspects of sex.

And I realise I'm only reading this to excerpt some helpful points because I can't really concentrate on it. Maybe I should use it to practice writing after each chapter (hey, me, write ...)


ETATETA: also reminds me of various sex scenes in books I read years ago and probably didn't consider erotic, for the same reason that I never liked "normal" relationships. If intimacy has to be treated like the most mundane tiresome thing, I'd rather the characters didn't have sex - but perhaps those books and scenese were written that way to seem adult and mature.
It's a rather different sort of being-blasé than I see in gay stories, where (if) sex also doesn't matter (ie. semi-literary works rather than porn), it does so in a less mundane and dreary way.

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

An introspective and honest book about freeing your inner critic and writing erotic fiction in a beautiful and energetically respectful way. This is not a book for the down and dirty XXX sect. This is a book that offers thought provoking interviews with other writers; excerpts of well written passages to drive home points and a great starting point to explore one's own sense of owning and operating from one's erotic and sensual self. Great topics of discussion and great jumping points for writing.

I will be honest and state Ms. Benedict tries too hard to make obvious and incorporate the differences between heterosexual and homosexual writing. Perhaps it is the time that has passed between the first publication and now - but the chapter on writing about sex in the age of AIDS was dated. Also, the overemphasis of the writer's sexuality was overkill, in my opinion. I would have rather enjoyed the writers as writers their characters as they are, without the expressed preset that they are gay or straight. Again, as this book was written in 1996, I understand that times have changed and that we are not the same - as a society.

The best thing about this book are the references to other books that I then picked up from the library. One book reference led to another and then another.

[Ninette · Rating 4 out of 5]

I especially liked the acknowledgment of the difficulties and anxieties in approaching sex scenes in general, and found this to be a very helpful guide for writing many different kinds of sex scenes.

To my great satisfaction, Benedict does stress the fact that a good sex scene doesn't necessarily equal good sex or vice versa, because I really wasn't looking for that kind of guide book. In a nutshell a good sex scene is a reflection of the character's dynamics and their circumstances. Now, while you'll obviously have to figure out your characters yourself, this book can provide some pointers as to how certain circumstances might play into the scene.

I must say though that I did miss a chapter about questionable or all together non-existent consent, since that is a rather common scenario in literature after all. Another interesting chapter topic would have been the dynamics of role- and power play. Maybe they'll consider this for future editions given the current relevance of these things in popular literature.

[Meow · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is 3.5 stars. I like a lot of the advice in this, particularly the "writing sex in the age of AIDS" section. However: she specifically excludes a section on rape, saying that it is more of a "violence" section. Technically, that is true, but there are bad and good ways to write sexual violence, especially since it involves character development in the case of the victim (as well as the perpetrator, if he/she is a regular story character), and since she includes a scene or two of sexual coercion and her focus seems to be on including sex in a way that is multi-layered into the story, I think sexual violence should have been covered. That said, the book is well written, well organized, and sparked a few ideas for me, but if you are already comfortable with writing sexual content, you will have about the same experience.

[Kourtnie McKenzie · Rating 4 out of 5]

From a writer's perspective, the first several chapters were very intriguing. As the book progresses, she gets into specific things like sex in the age of AIDs that I felt weren't very pertinent to someone that doesn't write modern fiction (I don't intend putting AIDs in my fantasy stories), and a found myself skipping large sections of the last couple of chapters (although the very last chapter I read thoroughly)--thus the three stars instead of four. For a writer of normal, everyday fiction, this might prove even more useful. It was good enough that I ordered a used copy on Amazon to use as a future reference/source. (People around would often give me looks for reading this one, so I used it as my own psychology experiment as well to get ideas on human behavior.)

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book could use a more illuminating title. When I checked it out from the library, I had assumed that it was about writing erotica (the "joy" part of the title). This book is less about joyfully writing sex or even writing joyful sex than it is about using sex as a means of advancing plot, character development, supporting themes, etc. It did have a lot of helpful ideas on how to do this, and it discussed many of the tensions inherent to various sexual scenarios such loss of virginity, masturbation, adultery, homosexuality, forbidden sex, and casual sex. Though this book was not exactly what I was expecting, I was not disappointed: ultimately it will probably be more useful to my writing than a how-to manual on erotica.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've gotten some good, insightful pointers! Probably the best thing, though, is the explanation about how use of dialogue is far more interesting, not to mention character-developing--than writing about the act itself. There are a couple of things I might disagree with in here--I think it depends on why you pick up a book that contains sex scenes in it, because in some cases that's exactly what you DO want, rather than anticeptic implications that something happened, which was often the sort of example she gives. But overall a decent book if you're a writer struggling with writing adult content of any sort.

[Liaken · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the original version of this book after reading about it in another writing book which said that it was one of the best books about what makes good writing, all sex aside. So, I checked it out. Yep, it does give an amazing view into making your scenes follow truly from your characters and not falling into cliche, making your scenes count for something, mean something. It does have a lot of sex in it of various types and orientations (rape is not included as the author classifies that as an act of violence rather than as an act of sexuality; I found this to be an excellent view, and it allowed the book a greater cohesion).

[Cori Arnold · Rating 3 out of 5]

Goes through really good examples of literary sex scenes, how they work and the challenges of the modern age of sex in novels and short stories. I found the AIDS chapter to be a little tedious, but that has as much to do with my age (mid-thirties) as it does the text.

I really enjoyed her talk at Crime Bake. The dynamic discussion of the *why* and *how* behind creating great, tension filled sex scenes was the perfect interactive learning experience. This book was a good 'after the master class' textbook.

[Gay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mandatory reading for every fiction writer, and written so well, you'll want to read it in one sitting! Ms. Benedict has scoured the literature to come up with illustrative examples to show the difference between writing about sex and writing porn, and to show how lovely writing adds to the manuscript and becomes part of its very fiber (and is something you COULD show your mother!) How did I manage before I read this book?

[Audry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best resource I've read on this subject. Full of excellent recommendations for other great books. Took me weeks to read because I wanted to take notes after every paragraph. It's a bit dated on some issues since it was last updated in 2002, but that doesn't really impact its value as a guide to erotic writing for all variety of stories.

[Steven · Rating 2 out of 5]

To summarize: the basic advice is to bring to your sex scenes the same level of craft you would to any other kind of scene: character-based, language-aware, multi-tasked, story advancing, and nuanced. Didn't really need the whole book to make those points.

[Betsy Ashton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrific resource for writers who add sex in their novels. Well written, great examples, excellent advice.

A must reference book for all writers.

Maybe I won't end up giggling when I write my next sex scene.

[Jordan Monroe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though it took me some time to finish it (was working on my own projects), I am so glad I did. This book is now quite dated, but it's interesting to see how sex scenes have evolved in literature. If you're interested in writing explicit material, this book is a must-read.

[Anne Marshall · Rating 2 out of 5]

Informative, but not really enlightening in any way