Feel It All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship with Sex

by Casey Tanner

A groundbreaking guide to sexuality that dispels the stale cultural attitudes about sex that leave too many feeling inadequate, and offers an expansive, attachment-based framework to free us and develop bolder, more satisfying relationships with our sexual selves. When it comes to sex, most people feel insecure. But it’s not because we’re deficient; it’s because we’ve been under-resourced and miseducated.

Certified sex therapist Casey Tanner argues that our sex lives are a microcosm of every untruth we’ve internalized about gender, sex, relationships, our bodies, and ourselves. Most of us were taught that healthy sexuality is only for a certain kind of person, in a certain kind of relationship, with a certain kind of body. As a result, the way we’ve learned how to define “good sex” is reflective of how good, worthy, and loveable we see ourselves. Sex Therapy is a comprehensive guide to help everyone uncover their personal misconceptions about sexuality and relationships. Tanner helps you recognize and assess your core beliefs surrounding relationships, sexuality, gender, and more; identify past trauma; find pathways to healing that work for you; and redefine sex based on knowledge and possibilities, rather than potential consequences.

Comprehensive yet accessible, informative, warm, and nonjudgmental, Feel It All provides a pathway for personal healing, creating stronger relationships, and achieving deeper intimacy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Sexuality, Mental Health, Relationships, Queer

256 pages, Hardcover

Published May 14, 2024

Reviews

[Nina Haines · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I needed when I was younger - heck, it’s a book I still needed today. This book is equal parts educational, therapeutic and vulnerable, and the reading experience ultimately made me feel less alone. I love the “aftercare” sections, the introspective prompts. The last book that made me think this much (in a good, transformative way) was all about love by bell hooks. Thank you Casey for writing it, and thank you Harper Collins and NetGalley for giving me an ARC of this book!

[seth · Rating 3 out of 5]

i was so excited to order this book immediately upon publication since i have been following the author on instagram for a long time and always appreciate their content/vulnerability, while knowing the ig account is run by a team.

however, this book was super disappointing in several ways: 1) it reads like a dissertation and is not sophisticated or ultra nuanced (i think the author wanted it to be approachable but it’s too basic for the audience they have , i think. for example, many of the lessons on intersectionality could be footnotes or woven in more skillfully vs page long summaries that are boring for an audience that is well versed in social justice vocabulary), 2) the book is poorly organized and her central thesis statement makes sense but is often difficult to thread from chapter to chapter so it’s hard to follow, 3) the intermixing of memoir and guide just doesn’t get off the ground. the memoir portions of the book are so vulnerable but the author still holds enough back that they do not help enforce their thesis, which doesn’t help explain its effectiveness.

i wanted to love this book and hoped by the end it would be amazing but i could not get there. it does get stronger as the book develops though.

there are some great paragraphs and lines that make it 3/5 and i also loved many of the reflection questions as they could be great journal prompts. or even writing exercises.

i have taught college level “history of sexuality in america ” courses and i think this would be an excellent primer for a person who is not familiar with the topic or wants to start hard convos with themselves and/or a partner (or anyone!). i would put it on my syllabus or use excerpts from it, but in my own life experience as an older person who has read many of these books by other therapists, been in therapy for a long time, and reflected on a lot of these topics already, it is kind of more noise in a crowded, but still important conversation.

if you like esther perel, chris donaghue, or emily nagoski, i would consider this book the younger sib of their work. it would be great for a younger queer person or someone looking to reflect on sexuality for the first time in a non scary way.

[Gaby · Rating 3 out of 5]

First I would like to thank the author and publisher for sending me an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

This is not a book I would normally pick up, but I was curious and wanted to learn more. I had a hard time deciding how to rate this book because it's a good book. It's strucutred really well. I appreciated the "aftercare" sections at the end of each chapter and journalling prompts. However, it just didn't resonate with me. Feel It All is so much about your individual journey and experience with the book, so, for this reason, I gave it 3 stars.

However, I would recommend this book to people who are looking to reconstruct or imagine their relationship with sex. The one thing I will say I was craving was a more specific defintion of sex towards the end. I appreciate that everyone has a unique definition, but it's hard to reimagine your relationship with something that can't be defined.

[Laurel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am very grateful to have received an early access copy to Feel It All: A Therapist's Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship with Sex. While I have received a lot of education over the years on sexuality and relationships, the content of Feel It All was still refreshing and profound. Casey Tanner embodies such a relational style in their writing, bringing such warmth and compassion to every word. The structure of the book is also carefully thought out to guide the reader through the tender topics of sexuality, trauma, and oppression with practical insights, relatable vignettes, and thought-provoking exercises.

As a person on the ace spectrum, I also found the book very inclusive for anyone who has struggled with compulsory sexuality. This isn't the case for a lot of sexual education content out there. You will feel understood and this book offers a path for anyone to build a secure relationship with their own sexuality, no matter how you prefer to express (or not express) it.

Feel It All is bound to become a staple on my bookshelf, something that I will refer back to again and again.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

So so so so informative, interesting, and honest.

I hope this kicks off a new cultural wave of talking about sex and sexuality without judgement or shame. In the meantime, what a wonderful guide to make those changes within yourself, if nothing else.

I highly recommend this book to anyone, but especially anyone who has experienced any sort of trauma around sex. Much like Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, this can be used as a resource/guide for relationships as a whole - not just the relationship singled out by the title. I will be referencing the questions at the end of each chapter often, as well.

[Keatyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good informative read and I found the activity prompts and questions particularly useful. Having read other books about attachment theory I was already well versed in the basics and so while this book had a different focus than previous books I read which was helpful I wanted more in depth content and at times the book felt a little more surface level than I wanted since I was coming at it with previous knowledge. But overall a useful book with good take home activities and prompts.

[Keelin Rita · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is pretty good. If I hadn’t already read a couple books about this topic (Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski being two) then I would have probably gotten more out of this. I think if you’re brand new to the topic of sex/sexual functioning/sexuality/trauma-informed sex then this would be a good place to start. It’s accessible and respects your time (we love a short book). I do prefer a more science-based approach so this lacked a little for me in that respect, so if that’s something you look for too, I would suggest Nagoski over this.

I did love how gender and sexuality inclusive this was and that it acknowledged the external forces and factors that lead to “problems” with sex.

[Brooke Wingren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I needed this book now more than ever. My favorite topics discussed were about romanticizing relationships outside of partnerships as well. We can find so much joy and pleasure within friendships too. This made me think differently about the way I will approach my own sexuality moving forward! Be kind to yourself.

[Tziona · Rating 5 out of 5]

A queer take on many principals often seen in a heterosexual lens. This book manages to balance a discussion of trauma and sexual misinformation with fun and play. Centered on allowing the reader to guide themselves through this book.

[Ashton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m giving this 3 stars but I don’t fault the book. If I approached this from a more “self help” type of place I probably would have had a better time with it. So not the books fault

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great beginner’s guide to getting in touch with what you want out of sex

[Charlie Tsunoda · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was so-so... too much of the book focused on concepts and not enough practical takeaways. Also, don't think I'm a huge fan of the author for a couple reasons, mainly that I feel we are two very different people with very different life experiences. That's on me! Appreciate this person from afar. Really a 2.5/5 book for me but 3 to uplift queer voices.

[julianna ☽ · Rating 3 out of 5]

i didn’t think i needed this as much as i did #oh

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite this book taking me ages to finish, I fucking loved it. Will be buying so I can reread and mark up

[Gabriella · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay I had to get a move on because I could NOT bring this book with me into 2026!!!!!!!! Overall I think this book is really strong, I just wish I had read it in a more organized and less prolonged fashion. It’s one of the most asexuality-informed relationship books I’ve ever read, and that was a HUGE plus to me. We don’t get a lot of self-help books that focus on sex meaning whatever it means to you, and how not wanting any sex is also perfectly fine. There’s lots about how both damage and healing are relational, the importance of trauma-informed relationships and interdependence support systems in our wellness, and how we are allowed to reconstruct every part of our sexual lives as we need to.

There’s so much more I could add from my notes on this book, but unfortunately because I stopped reading this for like a month and then picked it back up, I feel a bit disjointed on the overall takeaways. This is my fault, not the author’s, and if I try this again (probably as a buddy read), I will definitely come back and update with a more detailed review. But, in the meantime, I would recommend—especially if you can finish it more quickly!

[Ruthie Zolla · Rating 4 out of 5]

My gf said to me last week, “You’re STILL reading that?” And then I made her read the part about disorganized attachment styles 🤣. I want Casey Tanner to be our relationship/sex therapist. This book is like soaking in an Epsom salt bath after a really exhausting day; gentle, never preachy, it is necessary for everyone and anyone who has ever thought twice about sex or attraction. She writes, “Secure sexuality is actually less about sex (how much, what kind, how often) and more about permission - permission to flounder, permission to not know all the answers, permission to change and then change again.” So timely and important as a means of resisting the cult of sexual imagination we are fed daily.

[Courtney Crawford · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think everyone should read this book
The overall premise that we are told from a young age what our desires SHOULD be (most often based on a white colonial heteronormative lens of what the “right” way to exist in the world is) and therefore forget that they are OURS to choose, sexual or not, is a fascinating one. Really challenged my own thinking of my sexuality and how I perceive myself and others and also put words to experiences I’ve had that I didn’t quite know how to. I feel so much more comfortable talking about sex and desire after reading this.
Some cringey parts and some parts that were slow/redundant that i skimmed but overall, very well done and important.

[Tabitha - · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to @harpercollins for a finished copy!

This book tackles insecurities during sex, discussing emotional comfort and how to work on that.

What I liked:
❤️ Written with care
❤️ Each chapter ended with a "self care" section to make sure you're emotionally okay with what was discussed
❤️ The author added in certain aspects of her life growing up queer and finding her way through becoming comfortable with her sexuality.
❤️ A great book for a young adult audience

What didn't work for me:
💔 This was written almost like a term paper? I didn't feel too connected to the author.
💔 I felt like it was written for a younger adult, just coming into their sex life

[Gaby · Rating 4 out of 5]

My second audiobook ever (long live free spotify audiobooks)! I had heard a lot about this book, so I was curious. I will say that I didn't always love the overall format (which may still be perfect for you). But the overall feeling I got during and after listening to it was that it felt reassuring and very comforting! And I think hearing these words will have the same effect on many other readers/listeners.

Important to read if you've never had people around you telling you these things before, and reassuring for readers who have already been more involved with this kind of thinking etc.

[Tron · Rating 4 out of 5]

I need to stop shitting on self help books for the meme because I just read one.

Starts a bit slow and accepting of psychological models without much context—like attachment theory without its context in the prison industrial complex. By the middle, around RA, it starts to preach to my choir. It didn’t illuminate epistemological injustices for me, but it could be a valuable resource.

“When you say no, your yes takes on more meaning. A no can actually give permission: permission for the other to care for themselves, knowing that you’re going to take care of you.”

[amanda macchiarola · Rating 5 out of 5]

casey tanner is such a charismatic, knowledgeable, and compassionate therapist, author, and narrator. you can tell a lot of care, effort, and time went into this project. i particularly enjoyed the reflection questions that led me to engage with the material in really meaningful ways. i think everyone needs to read this as it will help undo sex miseducation and the myths perpetrated by western society.

[Elizabeth Damiano · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very good & in depth overview of relationship to sex & self. If you have done self work, therapy, or have an understanding of your relationship with sex, this may be a bit basic - however, if you are wanting to learn more about your own journey, this is a fantastic place to start. It also provides other resources & books to read that can provide more guidance. I enjoyed the multi faceted approach the author Casey takes, & thought the content was easy to sort through. It gave me many reasons to be contemplative. Overall, I enjoyed this book for a “self help” type reading experience.

[Cait · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a book, but a healing experience. I want to buy one for everyone I love. I gained so much healthy insight and affirmation from reading this, and I hope everyone does. The beginning is a bit redundant if you already know your way around heteronormativity, but feeling seen by what was laid out in so many of the pages changed me in ways I have yet to fully unpack.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

A MUST read for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation 🙌🏻 this book goes beyond exploring your sexuality and really gets at the root of how oppressive systems and miseducation impede the development into our full, authentic selves. 👂🏻 but will absolutely be purchasing a hard copy for my therapy office

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was written in such a positive, strengths based, non-judgmental way which I appreciated. The author provided a lot of raw and vulnerable examples that really hit her points home. I think this is a great read for anyone and everyone. It helped me realize some biases that I have. Also a good reminder of the work that still needs to be done in this field

[Mallory Bates · Rating 4 out of 5]

great book offering reframing around the way we think about sex and sexuality!! i think i wasnt quite the right audience after reading come as you are (not a lot of new concepts/ideas for me) but still so well written and inclusive !

[Char · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the process of leaving meta platforms and I’m trying to connect with the work of people that inspire me that I will no longer have the same connection to. Casey Tanner is someone whose content resonates with me and I was excited to find out about and read this! It did not disappoint.

[Shea · Rating 5 out of 5]

The sex miseducation in this country runs rampant…open the schools!!!!

[Delphi Wheatley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this book was a mandatory read for every sexual health teacher and expecting parent. Casey Tanner inspires both curiousity and tenderness in exploring our sexuality. They hold space for both the joy and grief that comes with finding pleasure, honouring authentic attraction, unlearning sexual miseducation and processing past trauma. All I can say is, thank you Casey. I will relish in my sexual journey thus forth.

[Emmeline Wtrs · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eentje om opnieuw te lezen.