Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma

by Staci Haines

The first encouraging, sex-positive guide for all women survivors of sexual assault — heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, coupled, and single — who want to reclaim their sex lives. While most books on the topic broach sexuality only to reassure women that it is all right to say “no” to unwanted sex, Healing Sex encourages women to learn how to say “yes” — to their own desires and on their own terms. This mind-body approach to healing from sexual trauma was created by Staci Haines, who has been educating in the area of sexual abuse, sex education, and somatic healing for over 15 years. Her techniques are ideal for anyone looking for a new way to heal from trauma, beyond traditional talk therapy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Sexuality, Mental Health, Health, Relationships

267 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Staci K. Haines is a national leader in the field of Somatics, specializing in social leadership. Staci has worked extensively with organizational leaders, including corporate executives, non-profits, and social entrepreneurs.

She is a senior teacher at Strozzi Institute and the Co-Director of Methodology, having studied and worked with SI since 1995.

She is the founder of generative somatics, a nonprofit ally organization of SI, bringing Somatics to social and environmental change leaders. She is also the originator of Somatics and Trauma, and leads courses teaching psychologists, social leaders, and other practitioners to effectively transform the impact of individual and social trauma and violence. Staci is the author of Healing Sex (Cleis 1999, 2007), a how-to book offering a somatic approach to recovery from sexual trauma and developing healthy sexual and intimate relationships. She also released Healing Sex (SIR Productions 2004), representing diverse men and women healing from the impact of sexual trauma. Staci is the Founder of generationFIVE, a community leadership organization whose mission is to end the sexual abuse of children within five generations.

Reviews

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd recommend this book to anybody, not just the survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Repeated images of gruesome rapes and murders locked within our culture's collective memory does damage.

[HeavyReader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here is the review that I wrote for the Feminist Review blog.

I’ve wanted to read this book since it was first published in 1999 as The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse, so I was pleased to review this updated second edition.

I had forgotten that the focus is on survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and the new subtitle obscures that detail. However, I think this book could be helpful for any woman recovering from any sexual abuse, no matter what her age when the assault happened.

The healing offered in this guide is based on somatics, a “new paradigm” which views “the mind, body, and spirit as one integrated whole” or “one interconnected biological system” while treating “the body as an essential place of change, learning, and transformation.” Somatic practices aim to help survivors learn “new ways to address their need for safety and connection” while supporting the mind/body in learning “new ways of being and acting.”

Information presented is comprehensive, with chapters devoted to desire and pleasure, dissociation, sexual response and anatomy, masturbation and self-healing, consent and boundaries, penetration, oral sex, embracing triggers, sex toys, intimacy, S/M, spiritual sexuality, and the emotions of healing. There is even a chapter for partners of survivors of sexual abuse. The bibliography and resource list includes details for learning more about childhood sexual abuse, various aspects of trauma, somatic healing, and sex education, as well as advice on acquiring sex positive materials,

Emphasizing many points made by the author are quotes from real women recovering from child sexual abuse. These quotes give true-to-life examples of the ideas the author is asserting and allow the book to include many voices. I appreciated being able to witness the experiences of a variety of women.

At the end of each chapter are two to six “sex guide exercises” which reinforce the ideas and techniques for healing presented in the preceding pages. The reader is encouraged to reflect on or write down answers to these questions, or to have conversations about them with a support person. These assignments give the reader concrete ways to work towards healing.

I recommend this book to every woman on the road to recovery from sexual abuse, especially if that abuse happened to her when she was a girl. I also recommend it to partners and counselors/therapists of women recovering from sexual trauma, as well as anyone interested in healthy, empowered sexuality.

[Thilardiel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent resource for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. One word of caution: prepare to move slowly. The writing is concise, which tricks the mind into thinking that these concepts were easily developed and can be worked through quickly. Allow yourself time to work through each idea, each new exercise. Maybe each exercise takes you a week, or more, to work through. That's okay. This book is about learning self-acceptance, being fully present in your body, and healing. Build a safe space for yourself before you begin this journey. I strongly recommend personal therapy with a licensed clinical therapist, and if you can find someone in your area who is certified, a sex therapist, while reading through this book. (Bias: I am training to be a therapist, and as such, am more likely to recommend them for almost anyone. The author frequently makes this recommendation throughout the book, so it is worth looking into.)

[Meg Elison · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you need to read this, you know who you are. You will probably give up on some part of it at some point. Go back to it. Get with it, get to know yourself and others. You can take this back.

There is nothing that cannot be reclaimed. Say it over and over. Believe it.

[Miriam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I've read about sexuality and healing from the perspective of a survivor for survivors. Highly recommend reading this if you are are a survivor or known surviors, which is pretty much all of us, I think.
I felt this book is highly inclusive of many different forms of sexuality. Kink, poly, queer, hetero, asexual, etc positive. Emphasizes consent, strategizes dealing with triggers and dissassociation and gives good information about sex toys, masturbation, our bodies and different options for sexually expressing them.
This book also includes somatic and written excercises as options to aid healing.

[Nahid Soltanzadeh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading this book was a 7month long journey. And I know I'll be working with what I learned from this book for much longer than that.
I'm forever grateful for the moment when I saw it on my friend's bookshelf, took a deep breath, and asked "can I borrow this?"
My healing started there.

If you've experienced any kind of sexual trauma, not just childhood abuse, this book has so much wisdom and practices and paths to healing for you.

P.s: the book assumes you're a woman. And that man and woman are the only genders out there. That he/she part was annoying but again, it's a relatively old book so...

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

Trigger warning: This book deals with childhood sexual abuse, incest, and contains a number of traumatic accounts.

The multiple accounts of childhood sexual abuse could have been limited to the introduction, since they substantially took away from the otherwise excellent advice on somatic sexual healing. This book is also very outdated in its terminology. One entertaining but outdated bit of advice included ripping out the pages of old phone books to express anger. This advice speaks to the era it was written.

[Tinea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book takes a physical, body-based approach to healing trauma from sexual abuse or assault. It's about identifying emotions and feelings in your body and discovering how they were caused by or relate to your abuse. The idea is that when you can connect your present physical andT emotional feelings to memories of past trauma, you can begin to understand the present day feelings and work through them, heal them. The book has excellent sections on dissociation, handling triggers, and figuring out what kind of support you need. It walks you through common emotions and physical responses experienced by survivors; at times I felt like Haines took a really babying, hand-holding approach, but honestly I think it's an effective way to write a book like this-- very validating, very basic, making no assumptions about the reader's knowledge or experience.

Healing Sex, as the title suggests, focuses on sex. Half the book is basically just a how-to manual for sex: cunnilingus, fellatio, intercourse, safe sex, etc. The author explains that what with growing up in a sex-negative culture and growing up abused on top of that, a lot of one's issues with sex stem from ignorance and shame. Education can help that. All the educational chapters focus on how to have sex as a survivor, getting very specific about how to overcome fear, shaking, dissociation, and lack of intamacy, all common issues many survivors deal with.

My main problem with the book was that some of the touchy-feely emotional language was completely beyond my scope of understanding. I was just all "Wha--? Huh?" a lot of the time. Also, Haines provides a lot of exercises at the end of each chapter, and it's obvious the book should be read slowly and digested. I blazed through it, but I hope to come back to it again.

[Pete]

The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Create Your Own Empowered Sexuality After Childhood Sexual Abuse is almost an ancient book (1999) but has many current day sexual abuse recommendations

I was at a library and saw this left on a table. I’ve had this in my library since 99 and find myself recommending it to affected folks and families.

I’m sure there are newer books, in this era of growing abuse, but this book had good suggestions for increasingly troubled times.

[zara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I worked through this book very slowly, because I’m using it to support myself and support folks I’ve worked with as a therapist. it has been so valuable for me, and it’s given me so many tools and insights to support others.

[Corina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't like self-help books because they tend to trivialize human experience. This book doesn't.

It's a thoughtful book that encourages you to question your preconceptions, your fears, your desires, and how to navigate pleasure through that murky terrain of contradictory impulses that accompanies sexuality (for most of us, I feel). It doesn't offer universal solutions but teaches how to examine your own situation clearly and with compassion. And you don't need to have suffered childhood abuse to find this book relevant - so many of us could benefit from examining our fears and assumptions about sexuality, voice, agency, and consent.

I like that this book is written from a feminist, sex-positive stance, and I particularly like the distinctions she makes between safety and comfort and learning how to work with triggers.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is a great, VERY accessible guide for survivor's of sexual abuse, especially child abuse. i found it both insightful and incredibly down-to-earth. Staci Haines helps survivors take control of their sexual lives again, and move forwards on the path of healing. the book is written mainly for women, but even as an ally i gained a lot from it.

[Heidi Belleau]

Literally lifechanging for me. I am a happier, more peaceful person for having read it. I *needed* this book, and it was here.

[Eireann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found some aspects of this useful. I think we all find our own path in healing, and some of these exercises didn't appeal to me, while others were compelling enough to try. Definitely a book to be kept on the shelf and returned to as a resource.

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a lot of sound advice about healing from sexual trauma.

My main takeaways are:
trust your instincts,
take time to discover who you are,
be aware of your physical body and how trauma is stored within it,
don't be afraid to ask for what you need,
most of all, you're worth it

There are many quotes from different clients the author has worked with over the years spread through out the book. At first it was nice to read. After a while they were interfering with the content for me. Overall, this is very good book for healing trauma. It provides a solid foundation on how to begin with probing questions to consider. There aren't right to wrong answers to the questions. This is your journey into healing. The author makes a strong effort to help you own it.

Before reading the book be aware that the book is written for any sexual orientation/preference. It was helpful for me to skip around in the book rather than reading in a chronological order. Some chapters are more intense with information than others. As with any part of a healing journey, remember you are in control of your pace and direction.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is a good one: gentle, embodied, and in line with a lot of my existing approaches to healing trauma and being in relationships around and with trauma. i wish there was more out there for when you have no actual memories of abuse or specific triggers. i read this one really slow & tried not to take it too linearly or like i had to do every exercise for it to "count". there is always a way we integrate anything we take in! also, note that this book always refers to survivors as "she".

[Abilouise · Rating 4 out of 5]

The best thing about this book is it has near the beginning a few pages of "here's the minimum of self-care that you should have in place in order to tackle this work". It's a nice baseline for everyone, really, and it's a nice warning, frankly!

[Shannon]

This is a must read for all who want to empower themselves and their bodies and may have outstanding issues doing so

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this to get a better sense of possibilities for joy and healing among younger people in my extended and chosen family.

Okay, I set my expectations too low. Everybody should get a copy when they turn 20 until after we win and nobody has any difficult history or even mild discomfort with engaging sexuality and intimacy in their personal life.

[Cherokee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be excellent. This book is ideal for someone much further along in therapy.

Most of the books out there for childhood sexual abuse survivors cover emotional issues that many experience and need to deal with first. The topic of sex is a difficult one and something that those books barely devote 1 page to, if that. Unfortunately many survivors associate sex with something negative and painful as a result of the abuse they survived. This book provides hope that sex can be positive (alone or with a partner) if it's something you want for yourself.

To have an entire sex positive book specifically for those struggling with sexual issues as a result of childhood sexual abuse is very important. I personally liked all the lines in quotes on different thoughts and struggles that individuals have gone through.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

OK, I was not able to complete this book. The topic is intense and requires time to read, time to process, and, often, time to work through the exercises. Unfortunately, the book was due back at the library and there was a request on it so I could not renew it.

For the part that I did read, over 3/4 of it, I cannot say that I 'enjoyed' it but that I did appreciate it. The book is full of solid information and suggestions about moving forward in having a healthy sex life after suffering childhood sexual abuse. The writing is often humorous and always compassionate but never condescending.

It really is too bad that the library wanted its book back. However, it was so good that I am ordering Healing Sex, which I understand is the updated version of this volume.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book after it was recommended to me because I am a massage therapist who works with trauma survivors. The book is obviously written for the survivors themselves, and as such there were "self-help" techniques that I don't anticipate using in my practice, but which seem like they would be helpful. That being said, it's still a resource I turn to years later, and I think it's very well written.

[Callan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very helpful and insightful book. Could be better-written, but that's easy to forgive with a book like this. Helped me resolve a lot of confusion, and normalized what was happening with me which also helped me gain confidence. Very grateful I found this book.

[Jonathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found Staci Haines writing about trauma to be very hopeful and inspiring. Reading this book helped center me and focus on the important act of healing. I found it was easy to relate to as a guy.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great sex-positive book for survivors of sexual abuse or assault. A reminder that you're not "broken" and that you can experience your sexuality as a positive, healthy, enjoyable part of who you are!

[Paula]

DNF

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Lasting intimacy is build over time it involves both conflict and ease as you come to know and be known in all of your most vulnerable and imperfect aspects. Intimacy is ongoing process of risking and revealing as you share yourself with one another. The experience could be creative.”

What I love about this book is that it’s not only for people who experienced sexual trauma. I believe this book beneficial to everyone who would like to connect with their own sexuality and learn how to communicate it to their partner. Yes the title and the authors addresses the information to sexual victims, but it’s done in very compassionate way where people who haven’t experienced the same still can learn how to deal with people they love who experienced sexual abuse and in the process explore their own sexuality.

Some interesting concepts: mind-body approach for healing trauma; learning to be present in your body by managing de association. Yoni massage, knowing the differences between different sexual expressions (SNM, vanilla sex); understand difference between intimacy and sensitivity; understand that abuse is not your fault, learn to forgive yourself.


Intimacy with yourself means accompanying yourself through all of your feelings, sensations,thoughts, wackiness and imperfections. It’s getting closer to yourself. More you present with yourself, easier it will be to be present with another.
Sensitive vs intimate. Being sensitive doesn’t necessary makes you good at intimacy. Intimacy means to be fully present of yourself and another at the same time. It does not mean abandoning yourself to gain others approval or giving up something you care about as you support your partner and his interest. Intimacy means to be able to experience conflict and use conflict to deepen your intimacy. It means risking trust with another at deeper and deeper levels of the time. There is never a guarantee of the comfort. It’s about the commitment to learn and grow. It requires embodiment, consent, openness to emotions, healing through triggers, trust and set forgiveness.

Self forgiveness- I am so sorry it happened to you. Ex with a Therapist or a friend go through your history where you believe that you are not forgivable. Do you hold yourself responsible?

Sexual healing permission slip with a sexual life you want (sexual expressions, acts and feelings) I (invert name) give myself complete permission to be fully expressed sexually in my own terms. This includes expressing myself sexually whatever ways whenever wherever and with whomever I choose from this day forward. Specifically I give myself full permission to have the boundaries I want and need sexually. To acknowledge all of my feelings while I be been sexual and to take care of it the best way that serves me in a given situation. To laugh during sex, to masturbate, to be sexually embracive or shy. To be in my body, to say yes, maybe or no to sex. To do one thing that I never told anyone and want to do it sexually like... I grant full permission to fee sexually on my own terms. You have my blessing, enjoy, love (invert name)

[Victoria Karlsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This took a while to get through.

It was suggested by my therapist in the group therapy for people who've been sexually assaulted as children. I recently have gotten the official diagnosis PTSD, and so many things now make sense in how I view relationships and intimacy. I see why they suggested it, because the author quotes real women who have been through sexual trauma, so it feels less like someone is just telling you what works, and more like you're being understood and don't feel alone.

It comes with a lot of great exercises, some which I can't work with. I might actually buy the book, because I can see myself wanting to return to it again and again for advice on this.

This made me cry a lot, and if you suffer from PTSD you will probably have reoccuring flashbacks and uncomfortable anxiety that can follow you for days, after reading specific paragraphs, especially if it resonates with you - not saying it will happen but it's a risk. I'm lucky that we had the group to confide in each week, when reading it. Not all wanted to read it, but I'm glad the therapist we have, is there to pick up the pieces if you wanted to discuss things you've read in the book.

I don't know if I have come much further since reading it, but it's definitely something that will resonate with me, and there's lots of good quotes I remember.

Can really reccommend, especially if you're a person who have endured sexual abuse as a child. It's mostly catered for a women audience, although we also have a few men in our group, and our therapist said it can be read by men too. I can quote one guy who said: It definitely feels odd because it feels like you're not welcome reading it as a man, but the further you get into it, the more you realise the issues of sexual abuse and the late effects of it applies to both sexes.

[Aasiya Muawiyha]

Healing Sex is an essential read that speaks primarily to survivors of childhood sexual abuse and incest. But make no mistake: this book should be required reading for anyone who genuinely wants to understand the connection between healing, consent, embodiment, and sexuality.

Staci offers a framework for revolution on how we as a society perceive, understand, practice, and preach safe and enjoyable sex. She invites readers to consider that survivors of sexual assault are often doing the kind of reflective and transformative work that is essential for all of us.

What makes this book stand out is how thorough, clear, and grounded it is. Staci explores profound and uncomfortable questions, the kind that demand both honesty and vulnerability: Where did you first learn about sex? What do you associate with it? What are you really trying to accomplish when you initiate sex? What needs are you hoping to meet? Are you actually seeking sex, or something else entirely?

These are not just questions for survivors. These are questions that challenge our inherited narratives and strip away cultural assumptions, giving us an opportunity to build a healthier, more conscious relationship with our bodies and desires.

She also addresses the stigmas survivors often face when their desires, fantasies, or needs do not align with societal expectations of what healing should look like. She approaches these complexities with empathy and without judgment, allowing space for exploration, nuance, and growth.

Healing Sex is a generous, intelligent, and compassionate intervention. It’s about more than recovery. It’s about reimagining sex as something safe, joyful, consensual, and healing for everyone.

[Martha · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fascinating book that was well laid out with detailed chapters that someone might need as they are processing through healing from sexual trauma. I liked how they had real life people's experiences, their struggles as well as their triumphs throughout the book. There was no topic left untouched in this often ignored topic, especially coming from a puritanical background where it was taboo to discuss much of the issues surrounding it. I would recommend it, if you have experienced sexual trauma in your past.