Since I Don't Have You

by Louise Candlish

They were friends who shared everything—until tragedy singled one out. At the birth of their daughters, best friends Rachel, Mariel, and Jenny make a to love and care for each other's girls exactly as they would their own. Six years later and a tragedy has torn them apart. Within weeks, Rachel has packed up and gone. Settling on the beautiful, windswept Greek island of Santorini, she knows she has come to the right place, but as she slowly rebuilds her world she can't forget the pledge she once made to her friends. She hires a private investigator, the enigmatic Johnny Palmer, and arranges for him to send regular updates on the girls she has left behind. Over the years, with Palmer's help, she is able to secretly soothe their growing pains, as well as those of their parents. But in Rachel's new island life far from home, who will be there to guide her?

Genres: Fiction, Romance, Chick Lit, Contemporary, Womens Fiction, Novels, Audiobook

384 pages

First published August 2, 2007

About the author

Hello and welcome to my page... You may already know my domestic noir thrillers or perhaps you're curious and not sure which to try first - either way, you're in the right place!

My latest is OUR HOLIDAY, a Sunday Times bestseller, WHSmith Richard & Judy Book Club pick and Theakston Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year 2025 nominee. It features my favourite ever love-to-hate characters Perry and Charlotte, second home owners in the idyllic English beach resort of Pine Ridge. It's now in development for the screen - I'll share news on that as soon as I can.

Next up is A NEIGHBOUR'S GUIDE TO MURDER, published in July 2025 (UK) and 2026 (US), available to pre-order now.

Last year I celebrated my 20th anniversary as an author with the news of two prestigious awards for my 90s-set thriller THE ONLY SUSPECT: the Capital Crime Fingerprint Award for Thriller of the Year and the Ned Kelly Award for Best International Crime Fiction. Stay tuned for TV news on that one too - it will be the next of mine to hit our screens!

OUR HOUSE is the one you may know me for as it's now a major four-part ITV drama starring Martin Compston and Tuppence Middleton (watch the full series free on ITVX). This is the novel that turned my career around, winning the 2019 British Book Awards Book of the Year - Crime & Thriller and shortlisted for the Goldsboro Books Glass Bell Award, the Capital Crime Amazon Publishing Best Crime Novel of the Year Award​, and the Audible Sounds of Crime Award. It was also longlisted for the Theakston Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year Award and the Specsavers National Book Awards. A Waterstones Thriller of the Month, it recently received a Nielsen Bestseller Silver Award for 250,000 copies sold.

A bit about me: I live in a South London neighbourhood not unlike the one in my books, with my husband, daughter and a fox-red Labrador called Bertie who is the apple of my eye. Books, TV and long walks are my passions - and drinking wine in the sun with family and friends. Authors I love include Tom Wolfe, Patricia Highsmith, Barbara Vine, Agatha Christie and Evelyn Waugh. My favourite book is Madame Bovary.

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Reviews

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'd give it 2 1/2 stars if that were an option - I was right down the middle with this one. I never felt like we truly ot to know Rachel, or if we did, I apparently just didn't like her that much.

It suffered a little from the wealth-based problem-solving syndrome. In other words, I'm sure a lot of people who have to deal with a tremendous amount of grief would like the mobility that comes with financial independence to be able to go live in a cave in Greece for a year. And then to continue living there and setting up a business, etc.

Honestly, I think a more interesting story would have been one told from multiple viewpoints - what Rachel was going through, but also what her husband, mother, friends, etc. were going through back home while she enjoyed the luxury of exile.

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely amazing. I cried in every chapter and can't wait to read it all again.
It really shows you how quickly things can change, and how different people are.
I saw parts of myself in many of the different characters, and when things like that happen it really makes you step back and take a look at yourself via the character.

[Fay Flude · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audio version of this book and mostly enjoyed the tale, with some moments where I just felt a little bit less interested. I really, really like Louise Candlish's books a lot, but this one is older, and whilst good, may be not quite as good as her more recent novels.
The story is set between London and Santorini with sad, happy, hopeful and poignant parts and a lot of beautiful descriptive writing so that the reader can imagine themselves on a Greek island.
Candlish handles grief and loss with a sensitive touch and a way that has the reader really feeling the emotions of the characters even if one has never actually experienced the same earth-shatteringly awful life event that Rachel does.
I enjoyed the intricate portrayal of marriages and friendships and how, over time, Rachel is able to live a different sort of life.
She has been friends with Jen and Mariel for a long, long time and they've all had children at roughly the same time too. They want their girls, Daisy, Cat (Catherine) and Emma to treasure the joys of friendship the way they have. The girls and families spend a lot of time together and their lives are so interconnected that it is hard to see where one family starts and the others begin. Yet they are all different and we get to learn of these differences, in jobs, in luck, in lifestyle and in love throughout the narrative.
One day, all of this is blown apart and Rachel gets as far away from the life she has known as she can. Her mother, with whom she doesn't exactly have the most demonstrative and happy relationship, originates from Santorini and it is to her mother's home town that Rachel flees.
Told exclusively from Rachel's point of view, this story uses her family tree and history to create a story within a story that captures one's heart and creates moments when it is hard not to shed a tear or two.
Engaging and life-affirming, Since I Don't Have You teaches us how brave we can all be when we have to be.

[Liesbeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very readable, but sad...
Warm, believable characters, non patronising.
Recognition for everyone who has lost a loved one.
Possibly a bit slow at times, but it draws you in.

[Achella · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finally finished it. Three stars is being very generous. Felt it was a bit of a long drawn out story that didn’t really go anywhere.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an okay read but I kept waiting for something to 'happen'. When something finally did happen it was the end of the book. I wasn't very impressed by this one.

[Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. Heartbreaking but full of hope. I loved the detailed descriptions of island life on Santorini.

[Liz Owen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I prefer the thrillers by Louise Candlish, although she writes well.

[Jayne Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written so vividly, I travelled through the book with Rachel, sharing her devastating pain. A totally consuming story dealing with an unbearable event which gradually evolves revealing a cast of truly believable characters set in a Greek island so colourfully described, I felt as though I was walking through the streets.

[Sarah McGrath · Rating 2 out of 5]

I rate this book 2.5/5

I don't hate this book but i don't like it very much either. I am conflicted about the way the author of this book has illustrated Rachel's strategies for grieveing. I can't judge the character as i don't have any children myself and don't know what it's like to lose a child. Of course i understand everyone grieves differently too but i thought the way Rachel did it was very strange. I was waiting for outbursts of emotions e.g. anger, frustration maybe even blaming herself or others for the accident. Rachel did eventually go through these emotions but it was years down the track. I felt a sense of relief after about 5 years following Emma's death, Rachel finally let herself go when she "told off" her friend Jen, who came to visit her in Greece along with their other friend Mariel. I got the impression that Rachel bottled up her emotions for a very long time, however it also seemed like she was too forgiving from the very start.

I liked the bit about how her relocation and grieving process pulled her apart from her close friends but she still thought about them nearly every day. It demonstrates clearly how certain life events can changed ones friendship with others even something simple like starting a new job or having different interests. I also liked the bit about when Mariel's daughter Catherine visited Rachel in Oia, and also of course the graduation of Cat and Daisy which happended at the end of the book.

I didn't like the advice Rachel gave to catherine about smoking weed, telling her to 'wait until college before she starts experimenting'. Considering the driver of the car that collided into the school bus in the accident that killed her daughter, was under the influence of drugs that day and had also smoked weed on several occasions, i thought Rachel would have been 100% against that sort of thing.

I also thought it was ridiculous how Louise decided to make Rachel's marriage 'rocky' before the accident had occured. Both Rachel and Oliver had affairs (although Rachel was aware of Oliver's affair he was not aware of hers)and even though Rachel had forgiven him it didn't sound right. The whole thing sounded unrealistic...it would of been better if their marriage was going strong and then after the tradegy everything fell apart because they couldn't help the other with their grieving and it all got to much for them both etc . Also who else would have the money to be able to drop everything in their life and relocate to another country to start up a new life? I don't know, it was all very confusing for me and i felt i couldn't connect to the main character very well. I have lots more to say but i think my review is long enough as it is. I'm interested in hearing if anyone else agrees with me or if they have a different perspective??

[Sarah Wade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully thought-provoking book. Makes you appreciate your own children, even when they are driving you mad! It is beautifully written and completely transported me into Rachel's world on Santorini. Loved it.

[Keris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since I Don’t Have You is based on a sad premise. Rachel, Mariel and Jenny are best friends who share everything, and their children Emma, Catherine, and Daisy are best friends too. The women make a promise that they will look after each other’s daughters if anything should ever happen to one of them. It never crosses their minds that tragedy could strike elsewhere.

Then the unthinkable happens and Rachel’s life is changed forever. Unable to continue in her marriage to husband Oliver, she leaves him and her friends behind to start a new life on the Greek island of Santorini. There, with the help of new friends Eleni and Ingrid, she

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[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

In all honesty this book was completely drawn out and nothing actually happens in it. Rachel is very hard to relate to in that her selfishness is borderline insufferable and was very hard to relate to. I felt like I wanted to put the book down halfway through but persevered in the hope of a good storyline, unfortunately I should’ve listened to that instinct and saved myself some time.

[Kirstin O'Connor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this and couldn’t stop reading - but felt frustrated by this character as thought that she was incredibly selfish and it was hard to get past this for me.

[Rachael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting style because it's such an awfully tragic and painful plot/theme - a mother has lost her only child... yet compared to something like the Memory Keeper's Daughter read quite recently, rather than focusing on the details of Rachel's thoughts and inner turmoil and really getting to feel her pain and grief... it's summed up more and washed over more, with little thoughts here and there, but it has the air of that sort of almost light-hearted chick flick where you know everything's going to be okay in the end.

But then as the story continued I warmed to it. Although it might not have delved too deeply into the painstaking sorrow of losing a child, it was a book about the life after, and no matter how much we may think that such a tremendous loss would stop the hands of time, it doesn't. Life goes on, along with chores and weather and relationships and petty worries and conversations. The trivial things continue. This book is about Rachel's life afterwards, her coping and moving on in her own way, though her thoughts constantly hop back to Emma.

Also I gave in to the more light-hearted 'chick-lit'-y bits and loved the friendship between Rachel, Ingrid and Eleni. They seem like the perfect sort of trio who'd get up to all sorts of mischief! (Nice, fun mischief, of course!)

I tried to limit the long list of quotes I'd noted down as I read through the book but I don't think I can miss any of them out...

• ''Disaster' struck only other people, didn't it? People you read about in the papers. Nothing was going to happen to us.' - p3
• p36 - is it realistic for a teacher to blurt out news of an accident as soon as they heard about it without any additional information, naturally sending panicked parents into a frenzy??
• 'Losing my only child... was not as I had imagined it would be. And I had imagined it, of course. All parents do it... They do it for the perverse pleasure of knowing that their little one is there... And they stoop to kiss the top of her head, vow never to take her for granted or to let adult trials poison this one special, central love.' - p45
• 'Chronology dictated there be a day after her death, a day after that, then another, and more days again.' - p46 - the world doesn't end at the loss of someone dear.. even though we may wish it
• 'The two of them: how seamlessly that phrase had replaced 'the three of us' of the previous six years. Unavoidable, of course, but still of cruelly defining.' - p51
• 'As he spoke, I marvelled at the existence of a mind that didn't contain my pain.' - Rachel reflecting on her conversation with the taxi driver, p51
• 'Oh innocent days, when my nightmares contained such images as green seas!' - p65 - wishing for past lesser evils
• 'Weren't they just the sort of hairpin turns that set whole lives flashing before your eyes...? I faltered, sank on to a nearby wall, realising. Before the eyes of those who still valued their lives, that was what I meant, wasn't it? I was cured of my long-time fear of heights because I no longer cared to live.' - Rachel wondering why she wasn't fussed by the houses perched on cliffs and the high winding roads, p65
• 'My father... had viewed marriage as sacrosanct. He of all people had believed in till death us do part. In the end, I supposed, for Oliver and me, that was what it really had been.' - p69
• 'Ours was a proper, heart-popping love affair: sessions apart only heightened the pleasures of those together.' - on her love and constant thoughts about Emma whilst she was alive, p128
• 'And that day, that last day, while the Morris and Lockley boys still lazed in bed, did my goodbye hug at the school gates lack its usual conviction? Did I think only of the chores to be ticked off before I returned later to collect her? Had I slept badly in the heat and squashed her enthusiasm for the trip with my morning grumpiness? Had there been a sign, a snivel, a cough, something I missed that might have made me keep her home that day, keep her alive?' - reflecting back on the smallest things that each added up to the catastrophic event... the 'what ifs' of the difference one tiny thing could have made, p130/1
• 'Rosemary had told me, in a rare insight that stayed with me, that one fell in love with a new grandchild with exactly the same intensity and permanence as with one's own child. My mother's ache for Emma was as primal as mine.' - p171
• ''Is it, like they say, losing a limb?' So they did, but a child is no appendage. She had been the whole of me, in fact she had made me more than I was, more than I had a right to be.' - after Rachel told Ingrid she had a daughter who died, p197
• 'It seemed to me that our children are born with the knowledge of how to break our hearts.' - p222
• ''Imagine not knowing when the next one's going to strike,' she said, finally. 'At least here you know it might.'' - Rachel's response to Mariel's comments on the earthquakes, p263 - it took a beat for me to fully understand this line and once I did it became so powerful, and reflects back to that line on the first page - 'disaster struck only other people', no one living in a 'safe' country could imagine such horror
• ‘If someone told me tomorrow this was all a mistake, that Emma was alive and Oliver had taken her somewhere (Glasgow - so close!), that we’d been separated by human desire rather than divine within, that she was growing at the same rate as Cat and Daisy, after all, then I’d be elated. Even if I never saw her again, I’d be happy for ever. Yet, from where Palmer sat, in a considerably more optimistic position than that, there was no end to the despair, only the prospect of more and more of it.’ – on Palmer’s ex-wife threatening to leave and take the kids to Glasgow, p287/8 – a very long quote here but one that moved me and just made so much sense – tragedy, no matter what size, when it stands alone is a devastating thing… it’s only when something worse happens that you wish for the lesser worse… and I think it’s really nice that Rachel is able to see this from his point of view – she ends her thoughts not on herself and how she’d wish to be in Palmer’s shoes but on Palmer and the pain he must be suffering in his circumstance
• 'If I felt Emma's absence like a roar of hunger, did she feel Cat's presence like a full belly, warm and safe and sustaining?' - Rachel thinking about how it must feel for Mariel to look at Cat, p342
• 'For money was how Oliver communicated' - Rachel finding out that Oliver sent his own money over to her (rather than it being from the insurance company), p377 - probably not an emotional or mentionable quote for many, but this strikes me because it's one of the things I'm trying to understand about people I know - people communicate in different ways, we don't all speak the same social language or love language or grieving language... some people prefer words and talks, others hugs and physical contact, others gifts and physical help, others money... however people communicate in whichever way works for them doesn't mean they necessarily care any more or less than anyone else - it may just mean that their actions haven't quite been understood
• '[Jen] had that serenity all pregnant women do. It doesn't matter what you say or do to me, because I have all I need right inside me; the magnitude of my present purpose overrides all others.' - p402
• 'And we faced him, Jen, Mariel, Toby, Bob, Cat, Daisy and I, and smiled. And for a second, maybe even two, I forgot that someone was missing.' - posing for Oliver's photograph at the girl's school leavers ceremony, p404 - Rachel will always continuously be gradually moving on, but she will never forget - a second or two without Emma is all she will ever have

Though this one is more for silly Rachael reasons:

• ''Oh, good.' She sounded genuinely relieved. 'My mother's name is Rachael with an "a" and it's no recommendation, I can tell you.'' - Ingrid's comment after asking if Rachel's name had the 'a' before the 'e', p76 - made me chuckle

[Kat · Rating 3 out of 5]

there were 3 friends who had 3 girls (one had a boy later as well). the girls were on a field trip on a bus and it crashed killing one of the girls. the mothers marriage was not going well anyway and she couldnt cope so she left for santarini where her mom came from but would never return.

she rented a house there and hid out. the people knew she was sad but not why.

she hired a detective to spy on the girls that her friends had that were the same age as her daughter. he would send her reports but come and visit her in person from time to time. she grew comfortable with him

she became friends with some of the women on the island. she and one of them opened a photo store for tourists.

her 2 girlfriends came to the island. she didnt really get along with them. she was angry and mean. she decided to meet with the detective to call off her spying. but before she did she got the one lady her own apt she paid for part of it, after she broke up with her daughters dad

her husband sued the passenger in the car that killed their daughter. she finally asked her mom about the earthquake that killed her aunt on the island. but her mother is not telling her something.

her two girlfriends came to visit. they dont know she has been spying on the girls all these years and helping out with schooling and vacations when she could.

she stopped spying on the kids and missed the detective. then she found out her husband and best friend were dating and she moved in with him. she called the detective and got mad he didnt tell her, but she had taken him off the job and he was only supposed to report on the kids not the adults

her husband told her it was time for a divorce since she moved 10 yrs ago. she went back to england to sign the papers and see him one last time

her friend on the island is getting married. she invited the detective to the wedding and he came. they admitted they loved each other and he is going to move there

her mother told her the aunt that died during the earthquake was thrown out of the house by the man having sex with her , the man had died while she was there in the cemetery looking for her aunts grave. the widow told her to get away during the funeral

she went to the girls graduation. how sad her daughter was not there. she was going back to live on the island with the detective and her mom agreed to go there to visit her. her good friend is preg by her x husband....

[Katharina Pauschenwein · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Trauer, Vergebung und die Rückkehr zum Glück"

„Seit du nicht da bist“ ist ein Buch, das mich tief berührt hat. Schon der Klappentext macht klar, dass man sich auf eine emotionale Reise begibt – eine Reise voller Schmerz, aber auch Hoffnung. Es zeigt, wie dunkel die Stunden nach einem Verlust sein können, und wie schwer es ist, weiterzugehen, wenn das Leben eine Wunde hinterlässt.

Doch das Buch ist mehr als nur traurig. Es ist eine Geschichte darüber, wie man selbst inmitten von Trauer und Verzweiflung wieder Hoffnung schöpfen kann. Es ermutigt dazu, in die Zukunft zu blicken, auch wenn die Vergangenheit voller Schatten liegt. Besonders beeindruckt hat mich, wie das Thema Vergebung behandelt wird – gegenüber anderen, aber auch gegenüber sich selbst.

Allerdings geht die Autorin auf das erste Jahr der Trauer, das oft als das intensivste gilt, nicht ausreichend ein. Die verschiedenen Phasen wie Wut, Angst, Schuld oder die quälenden "Was-wäre-wenn"-Fragen werden nur angedeutet, ohne in die Tiefe zu gehen. Dadurch bleibt die Darstellung der Trauer manchmal eher oberflächlich, was schade ist, da gerade hier viel Potenzial für emotionale Tiefe gewesen wäre.

Neben all den emotionalen Momenten entfaltet das Buch eine wunderschöne Kulisse: Santorini. Die lebendigen Beschreibungen machen Lust auf Urlaub und geben der Geschichte eine Leichtigkeit, die man anfangs nicht erwartet.

Ein Buch, das Mut macht, das Herz berührt und zeigt, dass Glück und Frieden auch nach den dunkelsten Stunden wieder möglich sind. 4 von 5 Sternen. Ein Punkt Abzug, weil nicht jeder hat die Möglichkeit, an einen anderen Ort zu flüchten, um mit der eigenen Trauer klarzukommen, und die Trauer selbst tiefer hätte dargestellt werden können.

[Evangeline · Rating 2 out of 5]

WARNING: NOT IDEAL AS A BEACH READ!!!

When I go on holiday I love to have a book set in that particular location along with me. This summer, I booked a trip to the Greek island of Santorini, then set about looking for a novel set there to read on the beach whilst there, and ended up with this novel. Its description was vague on Amazon, all I really knew about it going in was where it was set. Imagine my horror when I discovered that the plot hinges on unspeakable grief and bereavement. After getting over my initial shock, I did feel moved and connected to the story on some level, though I felt it never really went deep enough. Yes, it wasn't the light-hearted escapism I'd been hoping for, but it did evoke a beautiful sense of place. I probably still wouldn't recommend it as a holiday read though, as the subject matter will bum you out. I found the character's reaction to grief interesting at times, even creepy in regards to a decision she makes in relation to her obligations back home, but in the circumstances I can't judge them to be totally unrealistic. It is an interesting subject that probably isn't covered enough in fiction, a look at grief covering from when it's fresh up to ten years later, and the world goes on but the grief-stricken person remains emotionally numb. The grand setting of Santorini softens the blow of the depressing subject matter a bit, but like I said, probably not enough to make it a good idea to read on the beach, unless you want to be crying into your ice-cream.

[Marlies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mooi. Zwaar onderwerp, maar het boek leest toch lekker weg. Heb het gelezen met een beetje een dubbel gevoel over Rachels gedrag: kan enerzijds goed begrijpen dat ze op de vlucht slaat voor het verdriet en geluk van de mensen die ze achterlaat, maar kan anderzijds helemaal niet begrijpen dat ze niet in de buurt blijft van de mensen die haar liefhebben. Dat ze eigenlijk haar eigen verdriet zoveel erger acht dan dat van de andere mensen die van Emma hebben gehouden. Eigenlijk net zoiets als Rachel aan het eind van het boek zelf zegt: "Het was te vroeg om mijn gevoelens te benoemen, maar ik wist dat ze gecompliceerd zouden zijn, zoals alle gevoelens in mijn leven na Emma".

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a real struggle for me. It starts off in a dark place and I think it continues down a dark path until the last couple of chapters. As a mom of two young kids it pains me to even try and relate to Rachel. I’d like to believe after living without a child for 10 years a person would be further into the healing process. I’m glad she ended up seemingly making peace with the past but I find it wasn’t enough of a resolution for me. Since I think this book was meant to be about healing and moving forward I’m disappointed it took so long to get there and left me feeling Rachel was no where near being healed.

[Leanne Keenoo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Picked this book up from the second hand shelf in Tesco.
Not my usual genre but quite a readable story of 3 friends who each have a 6 year old daughter and are very close knit.
Then something awful happens which makes one of the mothers move away and it basically just tells the story of how their lives pan out.
After the initial incident nothing major happens so not an exciting read but more a look into how tragedy and grief affects marriages and friendships.

[Orma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Per la prima volta mi trovo d'accordo sulle recensioni stampate in copertina! Non mi ha fatta piangere (e ci vuole maestria, visto che stai molto ben narrando il dolore immenso di una madre che perde la sua bambina) ma mi ha presa al punto da non riuscire a staccarmene se non parecchio dopo l'ultima riga.

[David Gill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the writing style, but the premise of the book , a woman who loses her young daughter in an accident, goes off to live on a Greek island, but continues to monitor and influence the lives of her daughters friends until adulthood a bit too much to take in. But sensitive and thoughtful writing.

[Sarahjayne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’ve loved all of Louise Candlish’s other books but felt disappointed with this one; I found it slow moving, and also found it Difficult to be sympathetic towards the main character. The book wasn’t badly written, but just seem to like something and it wasn’t my personal taste.

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nadat haar kind gestorven is , gaat de moeder in het buitenland een nieuw leven leiden.
Jammer dat ze al de andere verdrietige mensen zomaar achterlaat, zonder meer.
Ieder zijn eigen verdriet.
Wel de moeite waard.

[Marni · Rating 4 out of 5]

A story I had trouble putting down. A six-year-old daughter dies in an accident and the mother leaves the country. Lovely writing.

[marion · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book

A great book with a great storyline. So sad you should keep your tissues handy. One of my two favourite books.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

How sad! What a beautiful tale of loss and recovery. Loved it.

[Julie Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Both gripping and moving

Very well written. Insightful and very moving. Im definately going to visit santorini . Sounded beutiful , just my kind of place

[Gemma Lapsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just a lovely read for sunny days.