Stop Overthinking Your Relationship: Break the Cycle of Anxious Rumination to Nurture Love, Trust, and Connection with Your Partner

by Alicia Muñoz, Victoria Villarreal (Reader)

Rumination--obsessive thinking about an idea, situation, or choice that can interfere with normal life--is a common and destructive issue that can negatively impact romantic relationships. You may feel anxious, worried, hopeless, and frustrated, but even if you know your overthinking is a problem, it can be seriously hard to stop.

In Stop Overthinking Your Relationship, certified couples therapist Alicia Muñoz draws from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness to offer an effective, four-step approach to reduce rumination and change negative thinking patterns. By understanding both your own unique attachment style--as well as your partner's--you'll learn how to communicate more effectively, meet each other's needs, and focus on what really matters in your relationship.

Using the SLOW approach, you'll learn how See rumination in process; Label your rumination cycle; Open yourself and make space; and Welcome blocked experiences.

By practicing the exercises in this user-friendly book, you'll learn how to stop overthinking your relationship and discover a newfound sense of security, confidence, and wholeness--both as an individual and as part of a couple.

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Love, Personal Growth

1 pages, Audio CD

Published November 15, 2022

About the author

Alicia Muñoz, LPC, is a certified couples therapist, and author of four relationship books, including Stop Overthinking Your Relationship: Break the Cycle of Anxious Rumination to Nourish Love, Trust, and Connection With Your Partner (New Harbinger Publications, 2022). Over the past sixteen years, she has provided individual, group, and couples therapy in clinical settings, including Bellevue Hospital in New York, NY. Muñoz currently works as a Senior Writer at Psychotherapy Networker and as a couples therapist in private practice. She connects with her readers and followers through monthly blogs, newsletters, and podcasts as well as through Instagram at @aliciamunozcouples, and Facebook and Twitter at @aliciamunozlpc. Muñoz is a member of the Washington School of Psychiatry, the American Psychological Association, and the Mid-Atlantic Association of Imago and Relationship Therapists.

Reviews

[Ashley Peterson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Stop Overthinking Your Relationship by Alicia Muñoz addresses ruminative thinking patterns that can damage relationships.

The author describes rumination as a pattern of passive rather than active thinking, and she describes different kinds of rumination cycles such as blame or control-based rumination. These each relate to a shortage of “some important psychological nutrient.”

There was a bit of pseudoscience talk to do with thoughts and energy. I tracked down a reference that the author cited, and it was so poor quality that I was pretty surprised someone with a graduate degree would be citing it. If there are three exclamation marks in the title (“Scientific Study on the Particle Nature of Thoughts – Do Thoughts Matter and Mass!!!”), that’s never a good sign. The author also described a “relationship field” in terms of energy and vibrations and such things. The woo woo element struck me as unnecessary for discussing things like boundaries and attachment styles, but I’m sure that framing interrelatedness that way will be helpful for some readers.

The book focuses on a process the author calls SLOW (Seeing, Labelling, Opening, and Welcoming), and there is a chapter devoted to each step in that process. Seeing is about being aware of what’s going on inside of you. Labelling involves writing down your thoughts and labelling the associated rumination cycle type, triggers, and attachment fears. The book differentiates between thoughts that are facts and pseudofacts (i.e. opinions, judgments, assumptions, or expectations). I’m used to the acceptance and commitment therapy idea that thoughts are not facts, full stop, so the thoughts=facts thing threw me off a bit.

The Opening step is about anchoring in the present and exploring what’s underlying ruminative thoughts, and the Welcome step is about being vulnerable and allowing your emotions.

Another thing that threw me off a bit was talking about “palliative care” in the context of relationships. The author was using palliative in the sense of the Google definition “relieving pain without dealing with the cause of the condition.” However, “palliative care” is “an approach that improves the quality of life of patients… who are facing problems associated with life-threatening illness” (World Health Organization). Having worked in health care, that’s what comes to mind for me, although linking a relationship and a terminal illness probably isn’t what the author was after.

Some of the chapters were a little on the long side for me, although that’s mostly because my concentration isn’t very good, so that probably doesn’t apply more generally. The case examples that were presented didn’t feel particularly natural to me, but then again, I’ve been single for a good long while, so what do I know? I didn’t feel connected with what the author was saying, and I’m not entirely sure how much of that is the book not really accomplishing what it set out to do and how much is the author and me just looking at the world differently. Perhaps it’s some of both, but I’m leaning more heavily towards the latter. The author has three previous books with very high ratings on Amazon, so clearly her approach works well for a lot of people.

[Reading_ Tamishly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I totally agree with most points the guidebook gives and now it's time to focus on what would work best instead of what could go wrong in a relationship.

Thank you, New Harbinger Publications Inc, for the advance reading copy.

The guidebook has short very realistic nine chapters which focuses on relationship rumination and how to deal with it in the following subsequent chapters. I would say there are a lot of things most of us do not take into consideration more important things leading us to focus on less important things in a relationship.

Do check out this book for the helpful practical tips.

I absolutely adore the cover and I find the references really helpful.

[Hellena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Egy figyeltemnél láttam meg a könyvet és rögtön meg is szólalt a belső hangom: Ez kell neked! Meg is rendeltem, és ahogy megérkezett, el is kezdtem olvasni, és három nap alatt a végére értem.
Rengeteg hasznos információ van benne, mindenki számára érthetően megfogalmazva. Nem tudom megmondani, hányszor kiáltottam fel olvasás közben, amikor megvilágosodtam vagy magamra ismertem. Túl sokszor.
Még egy jó pont a feladatoknak: ezek segítségével sokkal könnyebben rögzülnek az előzőleg leírtak, és azt tapasztalom, hogy könnyen be is épül. Jóval többször és hatékonyabban sikerül leállítani magamat, ha belecsúszok az agyalásba. Jó szívvel ajánlom mindenkinek, nem csak azoknak, akiknek gondok adódnak a párkapcsolatában.

[Réka Diószegi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bár a címben a párkapcsolat szó szerepel, mindenféle emberi kapcsolatban hasznos lehet e könyv tanulságait alkalmazni.

Bemutatja a különböző kötődési típusokat (szorongó, elkerülő és biztonságos), és ezeket összepárosítva vizsgálja. Miután megérteti az olvasóval, miért olyan, amilyen/miért reagál úgy, ahogy, rengeteg egyéni és páros gyakorlati módszert javasol a szorongás csökkentésére, a rossz gondolatok lecserélésére, és a saját belső világunk megismerésére.

Ha épp egyedülálló vagy, vagy hozzám hasonlóan a partnered nélkül szeretnéd végigjárni ezt az utat, szerintem egyénileg is hasznos kézbevenni.

Ez volt az első (pár)kapcsolati önsegítő könyv, amit olvastam, és meg vagyok elégedve vele. Én a Voiz hangoskönyvtár appon keresztül hallgattam meg, ám gondolkodom rajta, hogy megvegyem-e magamnak a polcomra, ugyanis nem tudtam az összes „feladatot” (gyakorlatot?) megjegyezni, ami szerepelt benne!

Ajánlom mindenkinek, aki úgy érzi, hajlamos a romantikus vagy bármilyen más kapcsolatának túlagyalására, és szeretné megismerni a saját kapcsolati viselkedésmintáit :)

[Jess Svajgert · Rating 4 out of 5]

*Special thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this e-ARC in exchange for an honest review. Pub date: September 1, 2022

Overthinking is basically my job so sometimes it can be hard to break that cycle when it comes to home life. This was a helpful guide to recognize patterns and try to spot and reframe situations before they transform into bigger issues. I did find it a bit drawn out but there are some useful worksheets and exercises within to prompt some conversation (and self-reflection).

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley, New Harbinger Publications and Munoz & Carroll for the ARC of this self-help book. This is a good read for those who experience anxiety and overthinking in relationships. There are strategies and exercises which enable the reader to engage and practice healthier copies mechanisms through grounding techniques. Only reason for the lower score is this book just wasn’t entirely for me, but can be helpful to others.

[Alexa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed how much casual queer representation there was in the examples.

[Kayla Anderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m always looking for good resources/tools for work, and I liked this one overall. Some good things to think about and share with clients.

[Devon · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75.
I like the exercises they provided. I would recommend some of those to my clients moreso than the actual information provided.

[Taig McNulty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Better than I thought it would be. Liked the first half about the attachment styles. The second half about mindfulness was less interesting/new.

[Evelyn Romero · Rating 4 out of 5]

Felt like a therapist who wasn’t ashamed to talk about “real” relationship problems. Easy to identify issues that arise and subtle hints to fix.

Would recommend to buy book or download worksheets to fully benefit from guidance offered.

I listened to it, so several clips saved.

[K.A. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a logical book that had plenty of tips, exercises, and cognitive adjustment suggestions to help the overthinker establish themselves in the present with what information is true. The audiobook narraration was also very clear and easy to follow!

[TallieReads · Rating 4 out of 5]

My partner and I both struggle with overthinking, so, when I saw this title I was like, let's go! There was so much good information and I loved how it started with a deep analysis into rumination. It had never even occurred to me that overthinking was really a way to feel "in control." This book was great at pointing out things that we, at our core, already knew, but never wanted to really dig beyond the surface.

This book gives lots of situational examples so it's easy to see your own struggles and how to better handle them, I loved learning about the rumination cycles because they are so easy to get caught up in without ever realizing! Now that I am more conscious when I am spinning these cycles in my relationship, it is easier to take a breathe, and put the SLOW method to use. Seeing your thoughts is the easiest part for me because I have already come quite a ways on my mental health journey. Labeling those thoughts is a bit harder because you have to be honest with yourself, is this a feeling? A thought, a fact? Open yourself to the present moment. Finally, welcome the uncomfortable feelings that arise. As a pagan, I opted not to welcome different parts of myself in a mirror with a candle, but the general gist of SLOW was a good thing to keep in mind when you know overthinking is a big issue for you.

I did not fill out all the exercises but we did talk about a few of them that I felt were most applicable to us. I did a few of the solo exercises and journaled a bit on several key points.. I totally understand why filling these exercises out are important for books like this but it always feels like homework...I hate that part. It also felt highly dramatized with a lot of the situational stuff but I get that the author just wanted to be clear. It definitely gives you therapy paperwork vibes at times but overall, very worth it! A lot of great information in a quick read and I am already seeing improvements in how I react to my overthinking!

A big thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the eARC!

[Jeff Ginger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Got about 50% through it, reading for someone else. It's a decent book, not really that much of an issue for me. I do occasionally overthink and do some unnecessary self-blaming and the strategies to help mitigate seem like the most useful part of the text. I'm not all that into the typologies employed - growth/static mindsets, attachment styles, etc... just because they feel very overplayed and not really nuanced enough to capture the complexity of how humans really are a lot of the time.

Oh and the book is designed for people in relationships. I still need the "how to deal with avoidant types in online dating in the land of hot rich people" book. Some assorted notes, not really for the public:

Intergroup dialogue techniques FTW!
Thinking about and being with is interesting - feels like the allowing concept

The first quiz about thoughts about a partner - I feel lucky I don't have a lot of that going on, reminds me of the NASA people study (mission control, crewmates or oneself)

Fight or flight wrong reads VS library school / DUST
Uncertainty is more painful for many people - this is why I'm weird?

The book tell us society see thinking as better than being; but mindful disconnectedness is what everyone I meet is obsessed with; can it swing too far the other way? Can Trumpers overthink?

Overthinking as illusion of control - but isn't it control over ourselves?
Went to go review rumination types and couldn't find a summary, the internet makes sense of the idea in many ways - I mostly go self-critical

I think I encountered disorganized attachment style pretty frequently but I also then wonder like what's the point of having the categories at all if they so often end up being merged together - isn't it better to talk about tendencies?

I think that the communication is the interceding variable and it's different when you're dating vs in a relationship

[Kimball · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good actionable insights, if you can ignore/rewrite the "energy thinking" junk science in your head to "as an analogy".

This book does a very good job of offering insight and practical advice. It's tarnished by the pseudoscience of "energy thinking", if you can get past the occasional bits like that, there's value here. (What I did was, any time the author brought up energy thinking, I mentally added one of the two phrases: "for someone who believes in energy thinking, it looks like this, but adapt this to your belief system" and "as an analogy, you might think of this like energy or mental context or spiritual influence")...

I think there is value in religious or spiritual thinking, and that one can adapt and learn truths from others' belief systems despite those ideas being couched in terms I don't personally accept. I think this book's approach to presenting spiritual beliefs can alienate some audiences, and the first foray into spiritual energy thinking is heavy handed - it nearly had me switching to another book. Fortunately, it's not so heavy handed throughout the rest of the book, and is not a constant distraction. There are still parts where the author could take care to acknowledge other belief systems and petition or cue the reader to adapt accordingly, in the interest of adopting helpful principles from multiple sources. IE at least acknowledge other belief systems adopting these ideas with a different "take".

Some really useful insights include the idea that both parties contribute to an atmosphere or context (energy) in the relationship that is broader reaching than one might expect, and specific patterns of how anxiety can color individual interactions and thus the overall relationship state or context. A lot of useful patterns and details, and ways to deal with them.

[Thus Kvothe The Raven · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are in a relationship, this book is for you. The subtitle is “Break the Cycle of Anxious Rumination to Nurture Love, Trust, and Connection with Your Partner“ to let you know what’s in store once you crack the cover. Author Muñoz draws upon research and her counseling experience in this practical approach to examining the deleterious effects of overthinking in relationships. She offers several relationally inclusive examples of the types of conflict that can arise when we overthink.

The different types of rumination and relationship approaches are examined, and suggestions are offered to help us break our own unhelpful mental cycles. There are even questionnaires, with links to online duplicates, that we can use to evaluate our own rumination and relational styles. The good news is that we can diagnose and treat our own overthinking if we use this book thoughtfully, offering ourselves the grace necessary to heal and grow.

Five stars will have to do for this brilliant and valuable resource; I would really like to award it more! I will be encouraging my spouse to read it, as well as other family and friends. My eternal gratitude to New Harbinger for this ARC. All opinions expressed are strictly my own.

#StopOverthinkingYourRelationship #NewHarbinger #NetGalley #IfCatsCouldRead #kindlesallthewaydown #SelfHelp #Marigoldthecatmodel #rescuedismyfavoritebreed #gingercatsrock #fivestarread

[Alyssa W. · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an avid self-help reader who often finds it difficult to stay focused and retain the information within those self-help books, this one surprised me in the best way. Not only did I find the information helpful and easy to digest/ put into practice, but I found it effortless to stay engaged with the content (it probably helped having solo and joint/ partner exercises woven throughout the entire book). Also, as someone who recently has fallen prey to relationship rumination (more-so than usual), the tips Alicia presented couldn’t have been more timely. I plan on keeping the tips and SLOW practice introduced in the book handy and even rereading the chapters, as needed. Every chapter contained takeaways and insights that will help me push past rumination cycles; be more aware and in tune with my thought patterns, triggers, attachments, and cycles; and welcome my most authentic self in life and romance.

[Krista Hajjar-Nejad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley and New Harbinger Publications for this e-ARC in exchange for my honest review.

I think I'm the queen of overthinking, ruminating, you name it..and especially when it comes to relationships. Any kind of relationships. I really enjoyed reading this book. It was short and very helpful. I have generalized anxiety disorder, have had past traumatic relationships, and I believe these are the main causes of my overthinking. It is so very difficult for me to not overthink in relationships. I always feel as though I'm going to sabotage every relationship I have because of my past experiences. I could really connect with this book and loved how it explained how ruminating turns into repetitive negative thinking. I really appreciated the solo exercises in this book as well. Extremely helpful and would highly recommend!

[Meera Prasad · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm glad I can finally put a name to that thing I do when I get into relationships. (It is called Rumination for those wondering).

If you're a constant overthinker, I am virtually throwing this book at your face. I am not even in a relationship, but this book provides so many tools that single ppl can use too!

This book discusses the different attachment types and how rumination (overthinking) affects each person. It also provides you with tools to help you and your partner prevent it from ruining a relationship. I think this aspect is so important, especially for girls who are dating people with a different attachment type from them.

This book also gives us the space to sit with ourselves and reexamine our emotions and how they affect our actions. Especially after a fight, this type of thinking is super important.

[Jared Guertin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to enhance my psychotherapy practice, and I found the explanations and exercises inside to be super helpful! It definitely helped me have the language and the perspective to help clients and couples interpret their own thought patterns about their relationships.

This book is intended for the couples themselves, and seems to be aimed primarily at marriages which are not actively in an acute crisis but which are struggling nonetheless. I think it can be a useful reference even in a healthy marriage.

The author outlines five ruminative cycles that can lead to ten dead-end scripts, and uses the SLOW (seeing, labeling, opening, welcoming) acronym to mindfully process overthinking and ruminative cycles, directing readers to use this tool both in-the-moment and in retrospect, to help them navigate ruminative cycles and in so doing improve their relationship.

[Julie Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first half of the book so far was enough to learn such valuable information about rumination: what triggers it, why you do it, and the negative consequences of it. Just learning that and being able to identify when it's happening is enough for me; the rest of the book's techniques seemed unnecessary, but if I find myself in a rumination cycle that I can't shake, I'll review those techniques to see if they work. So far so good, though. I loved how all that I had learned in CPTSD, The Body Keeps the Score, Attached, and Mindsets all came together to form a comprehensive picture that explained something that happened to me a week ago. Knowledge is power! A great tool for people who want to understand themselves and make mental health improvements.

[Aleks Berzins · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a friend and had really helpful tips, even if you're not in a relationship. I learned about emotional permanence which is something I'd never been able to identify/name but I knew that I had trouble with. I liked some of the journal prompts and ideas for rumination prevention. I also learned more about the attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, secure. I probably wouldn't have been able to get through this if I was reading it, I listened to the audiobook, but that's just because I'm not a great non-fiction reader. Would recommend for all my overthinking anxious besties :)

[Leanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh, I could’ve done without this one. First, I didn’t feel like she cited very much research to back up her theory. I’m sure she has antidotal success stories, but I would’ve loved to see her demonstrate some publishable research and statistics proving success. Without that, this book reads as a kind of “touchy-feely” feel good self help book. Secondly, though I know she is primarily a couples therapist, I feel like the concepts she discusses have much wider applications and I would’ve liked if she’d broadened this to a bigger audience. Overall, maybe it’ll help your relationship, but this entire book left me bored and wanting more.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

335:2023
This one has solid ideas and good exercises that could benefit ANY relationship. Will be getting a hard copy at some point, from the library to start, but maybe to own, for my own personal growth. It's a bit of a different approach in that it really focuses on getting out of your head, being present, and is a much less cerebral approach to common relationship hiccups and hangups especially in communication and habits.

[Jordan Hofer · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.4 for this one. I am such an over-thinker with literally everything so when this came across my Home Screen on Libby, I was curious about it. It had some good notes and thought-provokers (is that a word? lol) and some good activities to do. Always humbling and good to remind yourself to slow down and focus on the present moment - it's a crazy, overly busy world and can be hard to remember that sometimes. Overall I thought this was a good read

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book had good things to say. I struggled with how the book was formatted. I think because I was reading it as an e-book it made the formatting odd. Plus my e-reader kept messing up and losing my place.

I think this would work a lot better as a workbook than a book. There are a lot of good practices suggested and there are free PDFs available online.

Good information just the delivery of it was difficult for me as a reader.

[Karen Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would love to say I’m done with book but I saw myself and so it will stay on my bedside table (phone) to go back to as needed. (I need to get a physical copy) This book made me see the things that I make harder for my partner and myself by letting my mind go to places it should not. Very helpful book for those who let there mind go out of control all the time.

[Kailey Ahearn · Rating 5 out of 5]

technically 4.75 🌟🌟🌟🌟.75

I docked a point due to lack of acknowledging disorganized/anxious-avoidant attachment style. This book gave really solid explanations of how rumination and attachment styles can impact relationships, and included effective coping strategies and exercises to address the issue. 10/10 recommend!!

[Molly McDermott · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this after hearing good things about the main mindfulness-based technique in the book (SLOW) & also that it was helpful for slowing overthinking in general! It was straightforward & an easy read, nothing too revolutionary but I also read a lot of psych books so sometimes there’s only so much new information & research yknow

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a decent book. If you haven't been through therapy, then it's a good read. If you have been through the therapy process, however, this book is just a repeat of the common phrases and strategies that therapists everywhere use. There wasn't any bad information, but nothing exceptional either.