The Essential Questions: Interview Your Family to Uncover Stories and Bridge Generations

by Elizabeth Keating, Nan McNamara (Reader)

Uncover new sides of family members you've known your entire life with this indispensable guide.

Just as the oral histories of people around the world are disappearing amid rapid change, there is a risk that your family's personal stories, too, will be lost forever. In The Essential Questions, anthropologist Elizabeth Keating helps you to uncover the unique memories of your parents and grandparents and to create lasting connection with them in the process.

As you seek to learn more about your family history, how do you get beyond familiar anecdotes and avoid the frustration of oppositional generational attitudes? By asking questions that make the familiar strange, anthropologists are able to see entirely different perspectives and understand new cultures. Drawing on her lifelong work in this field, Keating has developed a set of questions that treat your parents and grandparents not just as the people who raised you, but as individuals of a certain society and time, and as the children, teenagers, and young adults they once were. The Essential Questions helps you to learn about the history of your elders, to see the world through their eyes, and to honor the language they choose to describe their experiences.

Genres: Nonfiction, History, Family, Reference, Writing

1 pages, Audio CD

Published November 15, 2022

Reviews

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a practical and relatable guide to learning your family's history and culture through interviewing family members. The key to drawing people out and unearthing fascinating facts and hearing great family stories is asking the right questions. It's all too easy to take our elders for granted and overlook the sometimes hidden depths of their knowledge and experience, the gems they hold within that could be truly valuable to future generations. We need to be curious enough to look beneath the surface, we may well be surprised by what we didn't know about our grandparents and other ancestors.

"As people age to a grandparently patina, we have a hard time seeing past their physical appearance. The questions in this book are designed to help you discover their youthful spirit, which is alive and well." If we don't take the opportunity to talk with our family members and discover their history we can be left with a void.

"A kind of genealogical amnesia eats holes in family histories as permanently as moths eat holes in sweaters lovingly knit by our ancestors and grandmothers." We could miss out on some truly fascinating accounts of life during times of challenge, transition and change and even more importantly, missing the opportunity to create a deeper bond with a loved one and learn about ourselves and our cultural heritage.

In order to get the most benefit from interviewing our family members, we need to be prepared to listen carefully and suspend judgment. "It requires some mental flexibility to adopt" the perspective of our grandparents. "But it's worth it." Elizabeth Keating assures us that "you'll be surprised by how much precious and undervalued knowledge resides in your family."

Keating's guidelines for interviewing family members include: "paying attention, being open-minded and flexible, respecting silence, being thorough in obtaining details, and showing appreciation for your interviewee." I especially noted "respecting silence." It's important to allow the interviewee time to pause to reflect and reminisce before responding, rather than giving in to the urge to fill the void with your own words, which may well distract them from sharing a poignant memory.

For painful memories or different ways of seeing events that may trigger us, Keating suggests that we try to build "common ground by asking questions that help you better understand their perspective." It's important to maintain a calm and comfortable environment conducive to sharing. "Mirroring the interviewee's vocabulary or body comportment is one way that we often unconsciously show compassion and empathy for others." After all, "emotional expressions between generations are very precious."

This was a quick read, but I can imagine referring to it again in the near future. I have lost both sets of grandparents and one parent, so I have a sense of urgency to interview those precious family members that are still around.

Other quotes that caught my attention:

"What we wear signals our group memberships, and our parents sometimes react to these signals and want to influence them."

"The surroundings that each of us knows as a child form a sensory backdrop for the rest of our lives."

"Space has both natural and cultural boundaries, and we interpret our physical environment through the often invisible lenses of cultural beliefs and practices."

[Moonkiszt · Rating 5 out of 5]

While we spend time reading the stories of others, it is important to consider our own stories, and the stories of our own families - however they are composed. Someone out there has helped you get where you are. . .chances are they are included in your circle of "family."

Elizabeth Keating's book The Essential Questions: Interview Your Family to Uncover Stories and Bridge Generations is filled with exactly that - great questions, well-crafted to draw out the stories, memories, sorrows, joys, loves, laughter and flashes back that may have been hidden for decades prior to your asking. I've been family historying since I was a kid - as a teen bugged every old person (folks over 25) to lay some recorded memories about whatever my question of the hour was on my rectangular tape recorder from Radio Shack. I have so many tapes, transcripts and some cringe-worthy questions (and answers!), but mostly - I have those voices. Voices of my people, long gone. If I had had this book, I can only shake my head - I would have gotten even more great material!

This will be a book with a very special demographic - self-selected and self-motivated - here it is, People! Chase it down and read - create your interview lists and find your people. Don't be too picky - find your focus (Granny the Cop Charmer? GranDad with the peanut marshmallows in his pockets? One-armed Uncle Bill who worked at the railroad? Francis who made the best fruitcake?) even if they are gone, find those who might have tales to tell. This book will help guide you through it. Treasures they become the moment you hit record and see what happens.

Go forth, and interview!

[Tyler · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a mix of interview questions for relatives with follow up questions and answers given by elderly people Dr. Keating has interviewed herself.

I wasn’t able to find many books on the subject of preserving your family’s history, especially through interviews, so I consider this invaluable.

Not all of the questions in this book will be relevant to your family or even ones that you desire to ask. Other questions are ones I never thought about. And some questions will provoke you to think of other more personal questions you can ask specifically related to your family in order to dig deeper.

Keating’s best pieces of advice from this book are to use a tape recorder and not judge your interviewees for thoughts they may hold that are different from your own beliefs.

My mom interviewed her parents (now deceased) and only wrote down the answers. While I cherish having that information, it really lacks the detail and depth I imagine they would have given in person.

As far as judging, it’s important to remember that people from different generations grew up in drastically different times and we cannot judge their lives without having walked in their shoes. While we may not say anything, it’s easy to show on our reactions on our faces, so it’s something to be mindful of.

[Max · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been looking for a family-history-interviewing book like this for a long, long time. Most of what I've found have been laundry lists of basic questions - none very interesting. I'm really interested in the framework provided here by Keating and seeing how it plays out interviewing my family members next year.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This takes the average person to capture family history through anthropology. It is slightly different approach that gets family talking and for you to think about the whys and hows of your family history.

How did this book find me? It popped up on Cloud Library and intrigued me as I'm interested in family history. However, for me most of this is too late.

[Joy Kidney · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is divided into sixteen chapters, each with questions designed to start a dialogue with a family member about basic backgrounds, everyday encounters, family history, rites of passage, ideas that shaped their family, treasured possessions, handling fear, etc. Each begins with an opening question, then several follow-up questions. Written by an anthropologist, comments about how other cultures handle the same questions were distracting.

[Jane]

Used this to interview my parents as well as my 18 y.o. Interesting answers.

[Marta · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great guide for interviewing parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and so on. I look forward to using the questions in this book to interview my own family. I wish my grandparents and their siblings were still alive so I could Interview them as well.

[Ibrahim Abouzied · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me discover my grandmother.

This is a guide on how to interview your grandparent (or other family figure) to capture their life story. Keatings is an anthropologist who specializes in collecting family stories.

The book is incredibly practical: The first two chapters are on how to conduct the interview, the remaining chapters list questions to ask for each category of life, followed by an explanation of the anthropological foundations behind the questions and some anecdotes/examples.

I'm about halfway through interviewing my grandma and I've already learned so much about her and my family. My favorite anecdote so far is about how good she was at sowing. When she went to the movies in her teens, if an actress had an outfit she really liked, the plot would fade into the background as she studied the design so that she could make it herself when she got home.

Throughout her stories I began to see my grandma as a young woman rather than an old lady.

I'm fascinated by memory, which has me so thankful for this book helping me capture the intergenerational memory of my family.

If you simply wish to conduct the interview, its only two chapters worth of reading, and then rattling down the questions listed in the beginning of each chapter. However, I did find the anthropological tales fascinating and it was eye-opening how invisible parts of life can be so different in other cultures. I suggest doubling pack to read them if you picked the fast track.

This book delivers 100% on the title and subtitle. Given that its such a simple read that has the potential to change your relationship with your family, I put it on my Must-Read list.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

How many of us really know a lot about the lives of our parents or grandparents? Essential Questions, written by a professor of anthropology at the University of Texas, helps us gather these stories by helping us ask questions designed to get our elders to share from their perspective.

What I really like about this book, is the guidance the author provides on the anthropological approach to questioning. I believe that learning to ask questions, setting aside assumptions and carefully listening to the responses is a great life skill as well as the key to establishing common ground. It's also the way to unlock never-before-heard family stories.

Gathering family stories has long been a passion of mine. In fact I considered ways to turn this passion into a startup.

In 2015, I researched ways to help people remember things from different stages in their life and considered creating a startup around helping others remember and share their stories. What I learned, is that most "fill in the blank" memoir books are left blank. I learned from interviews, most find it a lot more interesting to share stories about others instead of sharing their own stories. Very few people are motivated to write their memories. In addition, when children, interview parents, they have a hard time breaking out of the child/parent dynamic and the stereotypes held, get in the way of gathering the story. I ended up going a different direction with my startup because while there was a desire on the part of children to have their elder's stories, there was not a desire on the elder's part to tell their story. This book might have changed my approach for gathering stories.

[Roots.Branches.Wellness · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book invites you to be an anthropologist in your own family history. Each chapter guides you to ask questions of elders in your family- some that you might already know to ask- and the ones you would never think to ask. Topics include where your elders grew up, the importance of everyday encounters, rites of passage, ideas that shaped you and your family, learning courage through fear, and your family's most treasured possessions. Each chapter starts with an opening question and then 10-15 follow up questions on that theme, and ends with a few blank pages for your notes and impressions from the interview. The more I learn about generational trauma (and generational resilience) the more I understand the importance of knowing about ancestors!

“An anthropologist goes to a new place armed with curiosity and time. They try to shed the assumptions of their own culture and make the familiar strange, enabling them to see different perspectives of the same physical world. The goal with these questions is for you, too, to have the chance to see new sides of a world you've supposedly known all your life. Getting to know your parents and grandparents on anthropological terms will enrich your understanding of your own beliefs and cultural habits, as well as the forces that have shaped your family history and, in turn, your own identity.”

[Dianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Keating combines a mix of background context (to help the average person think about how to find out more about the people they love) with lists of well-chosen open-ended questions (to use to interview them on relevant and insightful topics).

Through interviewing older relatives, we can give opportunities for loved ones to tell their own stories, explore the things that have shaped their life and character and often surprise us on the way. And also help them feel more connected and heard, knowing their knowledge and experience are valued.

I used to love sitting at my grandmother's kitchen table, listening to stories of times gone by and marvelling at the social and technological changes she must have seen. When she passed away, I regretted not having written down many of her tales that reflected who she was and when she lived.

Not wanting to regret another lost opportunity, I used Keating's questions to interview my 75 year old mum for 30-40 minutes a week. With her permission, I recorded her stories and remembrances so that I can transcribe them for our family lore. While listening to my fiercely independent Mum recount tales of growing up in the 50s and 60s and the social constraints she tried to thwart, I learnt so much more about her, NZ society and myself. A valuable exchange for us both.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Essential Questions: Interview Your Family to Uncover Stories and Bridge Generations,, by Elizabeth Keating is an informative and quick read on how on the best strategies to facilitate an oral history from a family member that informs you of their past. I'm 70 years old so I might be one of those being interviewed.
People usually enjoy telling their story. The key to a successful interview is to ask open ended questions, give plenty of pause time for answers, and not judge. The generation I am part of, the Baby Boomers, doesn't tend to overshare like some of the younger generations and that should be respected, too. The best take away is to spend time with your older relatives, which is one of the best gifts you can give them, and to listen respectfully. Who knows what you might learn.
This book will give the novice a good starting point to learn directly from their older relatives.

[Lady Brainsample · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I saw this book was released and what it was about, I was irritated. Irritated because two years ago, I spent hours upon hours compiling family autobiographical questions for my grandparents. Since then, I've spent upwards of 10-15 hours talking with them on video about their lives. I thought, "I did all this work, but I could have waited for this book!"

To my own surprise and delight, this book had some new questions and new angles I hadn't thought about at all for my own questions, so I have some supplements to do with my grandparents and will be incorporating the additions to the time I spend with mine and my spouse's parents.

I can't recommend enough doing some sort of project like this with your grandparents/parents/other relatives, especially if they're older. I'll always regret that I wasn't able to do this with my uncle before he died.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book of questions by an anthropologist to try to help people interview their loved ones.

I learned of this book while reading an article in the Atlantic. The subject matter of this book directly applies to Alice's Girl Scout Silver Award project, which is to interview older adults and record their stories. I tried to find the book at the library and was only able to find it on audiobook, so we listened to it. This book was excellent and raised lots of good questions for people to answer that I thought were specific and different. As someone who freezes when asked a question, I found myself thinking that these were answerable for the most part for me. I think they did help Alice, although she had come up with her questions so I'm not sure she entertained adding any of these questions.

[Carissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

A surprisingly informative read. It almost makes me wish I'd explored anthropology more in college. Either way, it has wonderful insight on how to be a good listener, how to ask questions that actually matter, and how to connect with a different generation. While it's formatted as if you're going to interview your parents and grandparents, it's applicable in many other settings, too. Definitely worth reading, especially if you interact regularly with a generation outside your own, and you're itching to hear their wonderful stories of being "ordinary" - and assuring them they have plenty worth hearing.

Only reason for missing a star is what feels like repetition in the first two chapters, but otherwise still worthwhile.

[Road Worrier · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting book. It tries to be a step by step instruction manual, but it can't help but share tidbits of histories from people's stories that are fascinating. How well does the instruction manual work out? Well, that part could probably be composed of maybe 10 pages total, but I won't know how it helps me until I try it out. My grand parents are long dead but I'm interested to see what answers my mother and my aunt will bring to this set of questions. I've interviewed my mother before, and videotaped my aunt in passing, but I think this book will help me get at things I had no idea to even start to ask about.

[Jewels · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found myself pleasantly surprised by this book. While I was almost ready to be annoyed by all the "extra" she provided around the questions (just let me at 'em!), I found myself grateful for the context. In addition to getting some fabulous questions to learn more about family and other folx, I left with some surprising insights into other cultural differences—e.g. around how we think about time, similar to how linguistics unveils unique characteristics. Fun stuff. It'd be a good one to have on the shelf for ease of reference.

[Randy Elrod · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will be forever indebted to this book. It prompted me to send letters from Spain to my 84-year-old Mom in the United States and ask her to answer the essential questions a chapter at a time. The handwritten letters I received from her are priceless and in my desk drawer—like treasures. Because of the expertise of these well-crafted questions, I learned SO MUCH I did not know.

A favorite quote: "Our elders may share some familiar anecdotes over and over again, but still, many of us have no broader sense of the world they lived in, especially what it was like before we came along."

[Walter Underwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Going through these questions with my mom was a great experience. I learned a lot, and it brought back some memories for her.

The author is an anthropologist, and she applies those skills to these questions. After all, the past is a foreign country, so we can explore it the same way an anthropologist would explore any other culture.

You might be tempted to dive right in with the questions, but at least read Chapter 2 first. That gives a lot of great coaching on interview technique.

[Dani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provides a very good basis if you are planning to write down your family history.

I couldn't implement all the ideas - in the end, the reality of asking my grandma sensitive questions felt very different than in my imagination, where everything was more neutral and research-oriented like in the book. There is a lot of emotional intelligence involved. So beware that you need to work out your own way with the interviews. But the book was already quite helpful.

[Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A terrific set of questions you should use

An anthropologist’s approach to collecting family history in the most rewarding way. I collected my parents’ stories for their 50th anniversary and learned soooo much. I’d have learned even more if I’d had some of these questions. Now I’m the elder and will be using these prompts for my own stories.

[Beverly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good reference for coming up with questions for my mother to write about. She is working on a book that we plan to give to my children. It is about her childhood and memories of her life. I bought a subscription to Storyworth where they send her a question/prompt each week. It has been wonderful but we needed a few more personalized ideas and this worked well!

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

If a family reunion is in your future, this book must make its way into your toolkit. The questions are included as are the reasons and purpose for the questions. It’s written very well by an anthropologist but simplified for those us who just want to ask questions of our family members to learn more about them and lead us to conclusions about us.

[Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Each chapter has great questions to ask your parents and grandparents that will lead them to unlock their memories. The experiences shared after the questions weren't as compelling because they weren't very specific. I asked my parents a few of the questions, though, and got some great answers. So 4 or 5 stars for the questions and 2 stars for the "filler" to make it a book.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book about interviewing older family members.

Keating does a good job providing both a larger overview of why it's a worthwhile task, and more granular detail of how to do it, including lots of specific questions.

Short, practical and full of encouragement. It made me want to get started right away!

[Story · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent guide to developing a deeper relationship and understanding of your relatives' (or other elders') lives. I really enjoyed reading this and it has already led to some interesting conversations. Highly recommended for anyone interested in personal and family history.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading through the book I thought of things I wanted to tell me own children, stories my parents had told me, and questions I want to ask them. Definitely not a book to be read once and be done with. More like a recipe book to be pulled out many times.

[Sally George · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very useful for me in my volunteer role at a Museum which requires me to collect memories of ordinary people growing up in the town. I now have many more ideas on the questions to ask. The book was well written and laid out, so easy to understand.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential book for anyone interested in family history. It argues the importance of gathering your elders’ stories and then explains how to go about doing it with an anthropological toolkit.