Why Men Are the Way They Are: The Male-Female Dynamic

by Warren Farrell

Translation of: Why men are the way they are

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Gender, Feminism, Relationships, Sociology, Self Help

Hardcover

Published August 1, 1986

About the author

Warren Thomas Farrell is an American educator, activist and author of seven books on men's and women's issues.

He came to prominence in the 1970s, championing the cause of second wave feminism, and serving on the New York City Board of the National Organization for Women (NOW). However, he left NOW and is now recognized as an important figure in the modern men's movement.

His books cover ten fields: history, law, sociology and politics (The Myth of Male Power); couples’ communication (Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, and Father and Child Reunion); economic and career issues (Why Men Earn More); child psychology and child custody (Father and Child Reunion); and teenage to adult psychology and socialization (Why Men Are The Way They Are and The Liberated Man). All of his books are related to men's and women studies; consistent to his books since the early 90's has been a call for a gender transition movement.

Reviews

[Marshall · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's a common understanding in this society that men have more power than women. Feminism went on to show all the ways men use this power to oppress women. But a common approach is to resent men, rather than understand them, what about our culture makes the sexes interact as they do, or all the ways that men are powerless. Only by understanding this can feminism truly succeed in its mission of promoting gender equity. We must all work together to overcome the tyranny of gender roles, for both sexes. That's what this book sets out to do.

Thanks to feminism, women's complaints have become much better articulated. But, as author Warren Farrell says at the very beginning of the book, "men's questions about women are at the pre-articulation stage: they feel that something's happening that's unfair, but can't quite put their finger on it. Nor do they try very hard to put their finger on it--they're more focused on proving themselves. Yet men seem to feel they're living in an era when women want to 'have their cake and eat it too.' For many men, the age-old Freud-attributed question, 'What do women really want?' is still without a clear answer. And the fear of being accused of being a male chauvinist has made them afraid to ask the questions necessary to get the answers."

From the very beginning, page after page, this book uncovered all of my unarticulated fears, shames, and feelings of powerlessness that come with being male in this society. It explained what about our culture causes this. I was amazed and grateful to finally give voice to these frustrations. It answers questions like, "women have changed--why aren't men changing too?" "Why are men so preoccupied with sex and success?" "Why can't men listen?" "Why are men so afraid of commitment?" "Why do men have fragile egos?" "How can I change a man?" "How can I get him to express feelings?" He answers these questions very specifically, but in a way that honors the frustrations of both sexes. The advice he gives is very sound, and helpful.

This book draws mainly on popular culture and his experiences leading men's groups, which is anecdotal. So it's not very scientifically rigorous. It's also a little outdated, written in 1988. 20 years has brought many changes to our culture that this book leaves out. But nothing in this book has been made irrelevant. In some ways, the issues this book addresses are even worse than they were 20 years ago.

I highly recommend this book to anyone, male or female, who wants to understand gender roles better, and wants a better relationship with people of both genders.

[Phil · Rating 4 out of 5]

When you consider this book was written in the 80's it was pretty ahead of its time.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written in the 1980's, "Why Men Are the Way They Are" is Warren Farrell's answer to the women's movement. He'd have a few valid points if he could somehow manage to be less of a dick about it. Unbelievably passive aggressive, is what I'm saying.

[Christian Scampoli · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great ideas; the book was definitely ahead of its time. However, at this point it's so outdated that it is hard to relate to for someone of my generation (millennial). It gives me more insight into my parents generation than my own. I wish it could be rewritten for a modern audience!

[Rick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, but probably politically incorrect to some.

[Emily Pongrance · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well, actually... you can travel back in time and have a mansplainer mansplain to you, by redrawing playgirl cartoons, and writing nonsensical screeds using gratuitous Cathy comics as visual aids. In Farrell's world; comic strips are valid research materials and accusing a man of molesting a child is just sexism.

I bought this for a class. It wasn't even a class on the ridiculousness of the MRA "movement".

I'll have fun burning it in my firepit.

[Sergio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Farrell hits the nail on the head on numerous fronts. Men are consistently overlooked in their struggles when society puts a penalty on men complaining. This sums up so much in a brief way the majority of mens modern day perils now that intergender roles have changed so much. Must read for any man.

[Shirin Abdel Rahman · Rating 4 out of 5]

The other side of Feminism!

[Rae · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have read several gender-specific books like this over the years and although I think they can be useful, I also think we have to be careful not to let them contribute further to the divisions between the sexes. That being said, this book is an attempt to explain life the way men see it.

[Kurt Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, while clearly imperfect and a product of its time, is on my very short list of 'Things I Wish (as a Husband) that My Wife Would Read (and Re-read).'

(Fun aside: as with Feldhahn's 'For Women Only,' it's really amusing to notice the gendered trends in the reviews of this book.)

[Shellie (Layers of Thought) · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this for a college course and thought it was insightful, but it was difficult to handle.

[Athansor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book opened my eyes.

[شمس · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the past quarter century we exposed biases against other races and called it racism, and we exposed biases against women and called it sexism. Biases against men we call humour.
__________
Twenty years ago, a father was barred from most delivery rooms. Now he is expected. A family man was basically an absentee father. Today a family man is expected to be a working father. Twenty years ago, millions of married women didn’t think beyond “giving a man sex”. Today sex is also for women. Twenty years ago a woman may not have known what an orgasm was. Today she expects multiple orgasms, simultaneous orgasms, sensitivity, and sensuality. Expectations have changed. And in the process, yesterday’s bonus can become today’s disappointment.

If Daddy is employed, he is criticised for not taking care of the children. If he is unemployed, he is suspected of molesting them. If he’s a biological father, he wants a son to carry on his name. If he’s a stepfather, he may be marrying the mother to have access to the daughter. All of these accusations have become commonplace statements about fathers between 1976 and the present. In the past decade liberation has meant fathers going from “Daddy knows best” to “daddies molest”.
By 1986 department stores like J. C. Penny routinely allowed mothers into their son’s dressing rooms, but not fathers into even a five-year-old daughter’s dressing room. When sued for discrimination, J. C. Penny was able to explain “the public perception is that men are voyeurs and molesters.”

__________
Strict ideology is for women what macho is for men.

More empathy is directed toward widows who cannot find men than toward the men who have died.

While some women “know immediately”. Others say “with most men I really don’t think much about sex until the man starts coming on.”

Men try to make themselves attractive to women by the very process that ultimately alienates them for women. And women find themselves most attracted to men who have the most training in distancing, then wonder why they cannot finds senstitive, vulnerable, intimate men.

“A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn’t; a man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.”

Sexism is discounting the female experience of powerlessness; the new sexism is discounting the male experience of powerlessness.

How great is the need to distort when it comes to men? Suppose the interpretations were “Women’s preference for intercourse means women prefer domination.”; or “Women’s preference for clitoral stimulation over intercourse means that women are focused on female dominance and self-entered ego gratification.” There would have been an uproar. That is the real issue.

Smart Women: Foolish Choices implies that women are the smart ones; it’s just that they are bad choices—and since almost any man a woman can think of can fit into one of the “bad choice” categories, it is not the woman who is the problem—it is him. The book becomes the perfect complement to her horoscope: in a horoscope a woman can find herself in almost any of the descriptions—all if which are about 90 parent positive; in Foolish Choices she can find a description for any man with whom she is having a problem—about 90 percent negative.

The most important part of this difference is that when women are killed, they are recognisable as victims. When men are killed, they appear to deserve it.

The double standard is the difference between what men and women are willing to admit, not what they do.

[Sean Neprud · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many good observations. Some wrong conclusions.

[Ines Johnson]

Jaw dropping and eye opening!

[Dean Marquis · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for all men. I liked the concept of the Female Mafia.

[Ben Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was dead on for how men think in many cases. And shows a major cap between men and women

[Alex Shrugged · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really, really good except for the last chapter where the author decided to give his opinion on world affairs and a host of other issues that couldn't possibly be solved with this book. I will forgive him for that because the rest of the book was incredible.

This is my second reading of the book. I think I am going to read "Sexual Suicide" by George Gilder next if I can find it on the shelf. Gilder expanded and renamed the book: "Men and Marriage". That one is probably more available.

[Sylvester · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sure, Farrell always has good points to combat inequality imposed by feminism but Why Men Are the Way They are was sort of pointless because unlike his other works, it doesn't really address the fundamental issue of differences but in the way how women are being taught to treat men. I was also rather bored by the "gender study" style the writing was using, overall very ineffective but it had a good message.

[Melissa Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written on the heels of the feminist movement, so it reads like the pendulum was swinging to correct an imbalance. Some interesting insights; but how arrogant to think you can sum up the complexities of a whole group of people in a small paperback book!

[Ann Ervin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I gave the rating I gave as I laughed my ass off.

[Cws]

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