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As I Am
Throughout her triumphant career as a Tony and Academy Award-winning actress, Patricia Neal has faced a series of devastating challenges and losses, sometimes privately, sometimes before an audience of millions. Her long-awaited autobiography casts Neal in her greatest role--as the indomitable heroine of her own incredible real-life story.
695 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1988
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
May 25, 2013
Patricia Neal had more sadness to bear and mountains to climb than most. She desperately loved a man who could not be a full partner to her; her son was in a horrific accident; her oldest daughter died; and then there was that catastrophic stroke.
What to say about her? She's brutally honest about her foolish choices and hurtful behavior (she hurt herself and others). I can't help but admire that. She married a man who was beneath contempt, a legend in his own mind and the personification of the word "jerk," but if he hadn't been there at the time of her stroke, she wouldn't have survived.
Although a trip through the golden age of theatre and Hollywood, this is more a memoir of a woman growing into herself, and learning that she, with her own talents and foibles, is enough. She is not perfect and never will be, and finally, finally discovers that being valued (and she never seemed to be) by a man is not the be-all and end-all. She is fine, as she is.
There's a lot to learn here, about what not to do as much as what TO do. Getting through the dark times with courage (and sometimes not so much) and then being honest and candid about how you screwed up is no easy thing. Patricia Neal somehow manages to do it here, though, and I'm grateful.
What to say about her? She's brutally honest about her foolish choices and hurtful behavior (she hurt herself and others). I can't help but admire that. She married a man who was beneath contempt, a legend in his own mind and the personification of the word "jerk," but if he hadn't been there at the time of her stroke, she wouldn't have survived.
Although a trip through the golden age of theatre and Hollywood, this is more a memoir of a woman growing into herself, and learning that she, with her own talents and foibles, is enough. She is not perfect and never will be, and finally, finally discovers that being valued (and she never seemed to be) by a man is not the be-all and end-all. She is fine, as she is.
There's a lot to learn here, about what not to do as much as what TO do. Getting through the dark times with courage (and sometimes not so much) and then being honest and candid about how you screwed up is no easy thing. Patricia Neal somehow manages to do it here, though, and I'm grateful.
August 30, 2022
A p0werful, gutsy, honest, frank autobiography. No Holding back.
Throughout her triumphant career, Patricia Neal faced a series of devastating challenges and losses, sometimes privately, sometimes before an audience of millions. By age twenty-one, the self-confident, determined, Southern-bred actress had starred in a Broadway hit, won a Tony, was "the toast of New York" and was featured on a Life cover--only the first of many triumphs in a celebrity life.
"In this account, Neal writes candidly about her numerous love affairs, both transient and profound, such as a liaison with Gary Cooper and her twenty-five-year marriage to writer Roald Dahl. More arresting are the tragedies that beset her, including the deaths of two of her five children and, at age thirty-nine, a massive stroke suffered when she was at the peak of her career and carrying her fifth child. Her heroic struggle to regain her speech, mobility, and mental capacities adds another dimension to an already courageous human being"
Her whole life seemed to have been a tough battle, her honesty and her love for Gary Cooper, which I believe she never fully recovered from. A tough marriage, many tragedies, and her enormous battle after a stroke and her return to work.
She underwent a seven-hour operation on her brain and survived, later delivering her fifth child. She underwent rehabilitation supervised by her husband. She had turned down The Graduate (1967) as she had not recovered fully from her stroke. When she returned to the screen, in 1968 in The Subject Was Roses (1968), she suffered from memory problems.
A strong and honest woman, who was not afraid to speak her mind, on her work and her co-stars.
Patricia Neal was an Academy Award and Golden Globe winning actress. She is known for her roles in The Day the Early Stood Still, A Face In the Crowd, Hud, and Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Died at the age of 84 years old in 2010.
Very entertaining.
Throughout her triumphant career, Patricia Neal faced a series of devastating challenges and losses, sometimes privately, sometimes before an audience of millions. By age twenty-one, the self-confident, determined, Southern-bred actress had starred in a Broadway hit, won a Tony, was "the toast of New York" and was featured on a Life cover--only the first of many triumphs in a celebrity life.
"In this account, Neal writes candidly about her numerous love affairs, both transient and profound, such as a liaison with Gary Cooper and her twenty-five-year marriage to writer Roald Dahl. More arresting are the tragedies that beset her, including the deaths of two of her five children and, at age thirty-nine, a massive stroke suffered when she was at the peak of her career and carrying her fifth child. Her heroic struggle to regain her speech, mobility, and mental capacities adds another dimension to an already courageous human being"
Her whole life seemed to have been a tough battle, her honesty and her love for Gary Cooper, which I believe she never fully recovered from. A tough marriage, many tragedies, and her enormous battle after a stroke and her return to work.
She underwent a seven-hour operation on her brain and survived, later delivering her fifth child. She underwent rehabilitation supervised by her husband. She had turned down The Graduate (1967) as she had not recovered fully from her stroke. When she returned to the screen, in 1968 in The Subject Was Roses (1968), she suffered from memory problems.
A strong and honest woman, who was not afraid to speak her mind, on her work and her co-stars.
Patricia Neal was an Academy Award and Golden Globe winning actress. She is known for her roles in The Day the Early Stood Still, A Face In the Crowd, Hud, and Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Died at the age of 84 years old in 2010.
Very entertaining.
November 13, 2018
I wanted to know a bit more about Patricia Neal. This book was written about 30 years ago. She has had quite a life.. Born in Tennessee in the mid 1920s. she found she had a talent for acting. Moved to NYC acted in plays. She writes of the few years affair she had with Gary Cooper. Her marriage to Roald Dahl. She had some tragedies in her life. Her infant son had severe brain damage when his pram was hit by a taxi cab. Her first born daughter died at only seven years old. A few years later she had a three strokes in a row that left her fighting for her life and relearning how to walk talk and learn. she was never 100 percent cured. she ends her book at 61 years old and the peace she found at an Abbey in the USA. A pretty interesting memoir.
January 17, 2013
I loved Patricia Neal's honesty and forthrightness. She told her life story - both the good and the bad - with candor, grace, and humor and she didn't spare herself. I couldn't stand Roald Dahl and couldn't figure out why in the world she married him. I admired her faithfulness once she did marry.
December 19, 2022
I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed this book. Patricia Neal did a really fine job telling her story. It was full of tragedies and triumphs. I was completely absorbed every time I picked it up. It was a quick read and I originally thought it would be just another Hollywood autobiography but found it to be a whole lot more. I have to admit that I wanted to read it because I learned she was married to author Roald Dahl, but he certainly didn't come off in a very good light. Between the terrible accident with her infant son, the death of her oldest daughter and the three strokes she suffered while pregnant with her fifth child, Neal certainly had her share. And then there was her affair with the married Gary Cooper prior to her own marriage to Dahl. It seems Cooper was truly the great love of her life. I am not sure that he felt quite the same. She did not sugarcoat the toll all of the tragic events took on her marriage, her children, and herself. I would recommend this book, not as a Hollywood biography, but the story of a woman who played the hand she was dealt the best she could.
July 4, 2017
Patricia Neal was a staple on television in the 1970's when I was growing up. She was on my mom's housewifey talk shows (Dinah Shore and Mike Douglas) she was in all of her housewifey magazines. She was portrayed as this resilient super woman and mom who overcame her stroke and became the greatest homemaker and actress.
I remember not liking her in "The Homecoming" movie or in H.U.D.
I picked this book up because I remembered her and all the acclaim that swirled around her back then. I learned that she had a great love affair with Gary Cooper and appeared in many theater and movie productions. I also learned that I didn't like her much. She definitely had a starlet's morality. She ran around and did what she pleased with no thought of how it affected other people. When her husband, the excellent writer Roald Dahl, turned the tables on her, and treated her the way she treated others, she was devastated. I'm glad she found Catholicism in her later life and that it gave her peace.
I remember not liking her in "The Homecoming" movie or in H.U.D.
I picked this book up because I remembered her and all the acclaim that swirled around her back then. I learned that she had a great love affair with Gary Cooper and appeared in many theater and movie productions. I also learned that I didn't like her much. She definitely had a starlet's morality. She ran around and did what she pleased with no thought of how it affected other people. When her husband, the excellent writer Roald Dahl, turned the tables on her, and treated her the way she treated others, she was devastated. I'm glad she found Catholicism in her later life and that it gave her peace.
April 22, 2014
Honest and gritty first-hand account of Academy Award Winning Actress.
Deeply impacted by Patricia Neal's story. For example, reading her autobiography, 'As I Am', she tells of the abortion she obtained during an affair with a married colleague, actor Gary Cooper.
“I called in sick to the set for only two days,” she writes, “and then continued my work without anyone realizing what had happened. Life went on as usual.
But for over thirty years, alone, in the night, I cried. For years and years I cried over that baby. And whenever I had too much to drink, I would remember that I had not allowed him to exist. . . . I regret it with all my heart. If I had only one thing to do over in my life, I would have that baby.” Patricia Neal, 'As I Am' (London: Arrow Books, 1988), p.159.
Interesting insight into the lives of other celebrities also.
Must read for any film enthusiasts.
Andy
Deeply impacted by Patricia Neal's story. For example, reading her autobiography, 'As I Am', she tells of the abortion she obtained during an affair with a married colleague, actor Gary Cooper.
“I called in sick to the set for only two days,” she writes, “and then continued my work without anyone realizing what had happened. Life went on as usual.
But for over thirty years, alone, in the night, I cried. For years and years I cried over that baby. And whenever I had too much to drink, I would remember that I had not allowed him to exist. . . . I regret it with all my heart. If I had only one thing to do over in my life, I would have that baby.” Patricia Neal, 'As I Am' (London: Arrow Books, 1988), p.159.
Interesting insight into the lives of other celebrities also.
Must read for any film enthusiasts.
Andy
October 13, 2011
I absolutely love this book! I will be recommending it to everyone. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me love Patricia, it made me want to beat some people up on her behalf. She was so honest. She told every bad thing she did. She admitted her mistakes. She made reparations for her sins. She was truly a good woman. I wish I could have been her friend. I totally hate Roald Dahl and I will never encourage my family to read his books nor will I own them. The man was so horrid and I wish her family had turned out differently. She admits that she married him because she wanted babies.
I love her family and her friends. She wrote such a beautiful tribute to them and she truly loved people. What a wonderful book. She makes most lives look very dull.
I love her family and her friends. She wrote such a beautiful tribute to them and she truly loved people. What a wonderful book. She makes most lives look very dull.
August 21, 2011
Ooh some good Hollywood gossip here, and a bit on how miserable it was to live with Roald Dahl (love the books, hate the man). It feels weird reading about all the tragedies she lived through, though.
May 7, 2017
In one word: Karma.
August 7, 2017
Fast read despite length. Lots of name dropping. Roald Dahl was an ass.
January 22, 2019
She had quite an eventful life, a lot of tragedy and, although she achieved fame, the problems in her personal life seemed to take the joy out of it. I felt kind of sad after reading this.
June 3, 2020
4.25 stars--rounding up for reasons I will explain below. This book took me forever to read. My husband read it at least 2 years ago and liked it very much, and two cousins had rated it 4 stars and 5 stars, so I knew going in that it would be good.
Patricia Neal was born the same year as my father (and Queen Elizabeth II), in 1926, and died in 2010. She was a famous actress with an even more well-known husband--Roald Dahl, the Children's Book Author. Her life is very interesting for several reasons, the least of which is her acting career. She was an outstanding Academy Award winning actress, but I had never really heard of her before my husband read this book.
I actually wanted to read the book because of Roald Dahl--I was a huge fan of his work when I was a child. I think I read Charlie and The Chocolate Factory at least 7 times (and the chapter where Charlie finds the Golden Ticket at least 30 times), and I loved The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar, and I liked Matilda the movie. Didn't especially appreciate his other books, but he WAS certainly one of my favorite authors before I read this book.
Pat Neal was not only attractive, she was unique, a very special person. Her warm, passionate and narrator "voice" immediately makes the reader love her and long to be her friend. I could "hear" her smoky, dry, tones. Her kindness and fairness comes through--she is tough on herself, and usually gives the benefit of the doubt to those with whom she clashed.
The photos are terrific.
The book is very well-organized and written.
Neal's acting career was interesting to read about simply because of the people she knew and worked with, SO many famous actors and entertainers. I found that part of the book delightful.
She had a passionate love affair with Gary Cooper, and was broken-hearted when they could not be together. She truly loved him until the day she died--very romantic.
She married Dahl on the Rebound from Cooper, and they had a long marriage and 5 beautiful children.
Neal had a devastating stroke at age 39, at the height of her success, and had to learn to speak and walk again. She also suffered other terrible tragedies --the loss of a child who died from Measles at age 7 only because the measles vaccine was in very short supply in England at the time (Anti-Vaxers should be forced to read that section and the descriptions of agonizing grief of the child's parents), and another child was hit was a car as a baby and sustained severe brain trauma (but survived and ultimately did well after many many surgeries).
What was hard for me was reading about what an unpleasant person Roald Dahl was--I hated him throughout the book because of his coldness and rudeness. He had his positive points as reported in this book--he was a total genius, a great writer, a seemingly kind father, strikingly attractive, good in the sack-- but I could not imagine having a relationship with him because of the misogyny, selfishness, narcissism/arrogance. He actually said out loud, "I would rather be dead than fat."
I was appalled at the Emotional Abuse that Neal describes--to the point where I had to put the book down for a couple of days because it triggered me. Maybe Dahl was On the Autism Spectrum--who knows?
But finally I decided to take the Louis C.K. Attitude towards Neal's marriage to him, as in, If all your friends tell you, "Do NOT marry this guy, he's a total asshole and will make you unhappy, we all hate him" and then you go right ahead and marry the man anyway, and then he turns out to be a total asshole, well then, it's a little bit YOUR fault if you end up unhappy.
Neal didn't even have the excuse of being in love with him before they got married--she clearly was not.
The stroke rehab part was difficult to read about--all I can say is, I am so glad she recovered enough to live a full life even after the stroke--but she clearly had significant handicaps.
Ultimately, the thing that saved the book for me was Pat Neal finding forgiveness and insight in a Benedictine Nunnery in New England. She didn't become a nun, but spent many months there recovering from the loss of her health and her marriage. She found mindfulness, learned meditation and calmness of Spirit, and found support there. We all need to find those things wherever we can and I was happy for her that she did.
She was a true Survivor.
I was delighted that all her four surviving children, Lucy, Ophelia, Tessa and Theo, are all living and are successful in their lives. I was also relieved that Roald Dahl died in 1990 and that Neal had 20 more years after that of her life.
Patricia Neal was born the same year as my father (and Queen Elizabeth II), in 1926, and died in 2010. She was a famous actress with an even more well-known husband--Roald Dahl, the Children's Book Author. Her life is very interesting for several reasons, the least of which is her acting career. She was an outstanding Academy Award winning actress, but I had never really heard of her before my husband read this book.
I actually wanted to read the book because of Roald Dahl--I was a huge fan of his work when I was a child. I think I read Charlie and The Chocolate Factory at least 7 times (and the chapter where Charlie finds the Golden Ticket at least 30 times), and I loved The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar, and I liked Matilda the movie. Didn't especially appreciate his other books, but he WAS certainly one of my favorite authors before I read this book.
Pat Neal was not only attractive, she was unique, a very special person. Her warm, passionate and narrator "voice" immediately makes the reader love her and long to be her friend. I could "hear" her smoky, dry, tones. Her kindness and fairness comes through--she is tough on herself, and usually gives the benefit of the doubt to those with whom she clashed.
The photos are terrific.
The book is very well-organized and written.
Neal's acting career was interesting to read about simply because of the people she knew and worked with, SO many famous actors and entertainers. I found that part of the book delightful.
She had a passionate love affair with Gary Cooper, and was broken-hearted when they could not be together. She truly loved him until the day she died--very romantic.
She married Dahl on the Rebound from Cooper, and they had a long marriage and 5 beautiful children.
Neal had a devastating stroke at age 39, at the height of her success, and had to learn to speak and walk again. She also suffered other terrible tragedies --the loss of a child who died from Measles at age 7 only because the measles vaccine was in very short supply in England at the time (Anti-Vaxers should be forced to read that section and the descriptions of agonizing grief of the child's parents), and another child was hit was a car as a baby and sustained severe brain trauma (but survived and ultimately did well after many many surgeries).
What was hard for me was reading about what an unpleasant person Roald Dahl was--I hated him throughout the book because of his coldness and rudeness. He had his positive points as reported in this book--he was a total genius, a great writer, a seemingly kind father, strikingly attractive, good in the sack-- but I could not imagine having a relationship with him because of the misogyny, selfishness, narcissism/arrogance. He actually said out loud, "I would rather be dead than fat."
I was appalled at the Emotional Abuse that Neal describes--to the point where I had to put the book down for a couple of days because it triggered me. Maybe Dahl was On the Autism Spectrum--who knows?
But finally I decided to take the Louis C.K. Attitude towards Neal's marriage to him, as in, If all your friends tell you, "Do NOT marry this guy, he's a total asshole and will make you unhappy, we all hate him" and then you go right ahead and marry the man anyway, and then he turns out to be a total asshole, well then, it's a little bit YOUR fault if you end up unhappy.
Neal didn't even have the excuse of being in love with him before they got married--she clearly was not.
The stroke rehab part was difficult to read about--all I can say is, I am so glad she recovered enough to live a full life even after the stroke--but she clearly had significant handicaps.
Ultimately, the thing that saved the book for me was Pat Neal finding forgiveness and insight in a Benedictine Nunnery in New England. She didn't become a nun, but spent many months there recovering from the loss of her health and her marriage. She found mindfulness, learned meditation and calmness of Spirit, and found support there. We all need to find those things wherever we can and I was happy for her that she did.
She was a true Survivor.
I was delighted that all her four surviving children, Lucy, Ophelia, Tessa and Theo, are all living and are successful in their lives. I was also relieved that Roald Dahl died in 1990 and that Neal had 20 more years after that of her life.
August 17, 2019
I got in a tizzy back in the early 90's reading movie star autobiographies. One by one I checked them out, mostly actors from the 50's and 60's. As I Am stood out, wow, still to this day I remember bits and pieces of this book. P. Neal had an amazing life. Born in Kentucky, she married the British author Roald Dahl. They had a lot of tragedy in their marriage, which produced five children. After what she said about him, I always cringed when Willy Wonka or one of his movies came on TV. The book gives a bittersweet description (if you want to call it that) of her affair with the actor Gary Cooper. Besides Neal, Cooper had plenty of affairs while in Hollywood. Neal wanted him to divorce his wife and marry her, but he crushed her when he said "Rocky (his wife) was Catholic, she'll never divorce me." Eventually Neal ended the affair with no hope of marriage. The book is full of weird stories, including one that happened after Cooper's death. Since she could no longer have him, Neal befriended his daughter to still (somehow) remain close to Gary.
April 7, 2025
This is probably one of the best autobiography's I've read! I got it because I wanted to learn more about Roald Dahl, and boy did I. After reading about the nitty gritty of Pat's Hollywood days, she gets in depth about her relationship with Roald. Making the reader almost fall in love; and out of love with him alongside her. Her way of writing is so affable, she leaves nothing to the imagination and has no intention of painting herself in a certain light. This book tells the story of her life as it was.
March 14, 2022
A real person in another book made me investigate the backstory of her parents (Roald Dahl & Patricia Neal) and then next thing I know I'm, drinking deep from the well of Hollywood gossip from the last century. Still interesting!
August 9, 2023
Wow! Just finished reading this book. It has to be one of the most honest, painfully gutwrenching, and interesting autobiographies I've ever read.
I'll have to give it a few day's thought before I say more. Too stunned to speak at the moment.
I'll have to give it a few day's thought before I say more. Too stunned to speak at the moment.
October 27, 2018
Wanted to read her autobiography to learn about her stroke experience. It was very different from mine.
January 7, 2019
I though this book was phenomenal.
May 18, 2019
#65 of 120 books pledged to read during 2019
January 16, 2020
Long book describing by Patricia all her ups and downs, trials and tribulations, and what have you.
September 1, 2023
This was a very interesting and candid autobiography. Even though I haven’t watched many of her works, her life story was amazing.
April 26, 2024
A courageous woman and an amazing actress. I'll always be a fan.
October 22, 2025
This was an interesting read. I did not know Ms. Neal's story at all. I knew she had done some amazing film work but didn't know the struggle and determination it took to get there.
April 28, 2012
Very readable autobiography with lots of big names. Neal is surprisingly honest about her life, which always makes for good reading. She made loads of mistakes, all the way from sleeping around when she shouldn't have up to marrying Roald Dahl--probably her biggest mistake, according to her, in spite of the fact that he saved her life after her stroke.
She stays human through it all, not a bad or usual thing for a Hollywood actor. She values her family & friends though fully aware of their flaws, & freely confesses her own flaws. She loved her work, loved people, dealt with body blows like the death of one child & her own stroke without self-pity, & still managed to grow old with humility & grace.
It's an inspiring book that you hate to see end--unfortunately doubly hate to see end because the end is weak.
She stays human through it all, not a bad or usual thing for a Hollywood actor. She values her family & friends though fully aware of their flaws, & freely confesses her own flaws. She loved her work, loved people, dealt with body blows like the death of one child & her own stroke without self-pity, & still managed to grow old with humility & grace.
It's an inspiring book that you hate to see end--unfortunately doubly hate to see end because the end is weak.
May 30, 2014
This was a wonderful read for anyone that is a fan of Patricia Neal! I found this autobiography to be an emotional roller coaster full of delightful highs and debilitating lows. I don't recall if I was having a rough week when I read it, but a few times I had started to cry so hard that I needed to put the book down and get some fresh air! My interest in her and Gary Cooper's relationship was one of the initial reasons I chose to read this. I found her lifelong love for him to be heartbreaking, but was happy to discover the relationship that was built with his family years after his death. I could go on and on about Pat's fortunes and misfortunes, but I'd hate to spoil anything for fans that may not know her story, and boy does she have one! Enjoy! :)
June 30, 2016
As a classic film lover, I enjoyed reading Patricia Neal's autobiography. While she includes many great details, I would have liked for it to have had a bit more introspective turn to it. It was particularly interesting to read about the severity of the stroke she had and her amazing recovery. I would have enjoyed knowing more details about the specifics of her treatment and recovery; however, as I did some research, I found that there are other books about that side of her story. As a children's book lover, it was a bit disappointing to read how cold Roald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and many other children's classics, was so distant and hard on her. His help in her recovery was exceptional though.
December 1, 2012
3.75 stars. Once you get past her disjointed writing style, the story itself - of her amazing highs, devastating tragedies, and incredible self-discovery - are true Hollywood legend. Really, really enjoyed this.
July 27, 2012
What I've learned spending this summer with Pat Neal is that she is honest. This book was probably one of the best celebrity autobiographies I've read-- she is candid and informal, and very honest in describing her own faults. MUCH better than the Stephen Shearer biography (yaaaawn)
March 31, 2016
Wonderful story of her fascinating and determined life with all its traumas.
married to Roal Dahl the writer...had 4 children...1 died of measles and the son had a head injury. She never gave up on her acting career despite her setbacks.
married to Roal Dahl the writer...had 4 children...1 died of measles and the son had a head injury. She never gave up on her acting career despite her setbacks.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews