And Then I Thought I Was a Fish

by Peter Hunt Welch

PATIENT NAME: Peter Hunt Welch
SEX: M
ADMIT DATE: 10/18/2000
DOB: 02/28/1980

HISTORY OF PRESENTING ILLNESS: The patient was a fairly poor historian, appearing unable to provide coherent description of the events preceding his current hospitalization. In a rather vague and disorganized manner, he acknowledged the presence of persecutory concerns. He reported unusual experiences like having seen the earth and the bottom of the sea. In the emergency room, he reported concerns that he might have killed a buddy of his and that he could take a friend's soul from his body. He also reported his ability to be in contact with God. Initially he denied any alcohol or drug use. Later on, he admitted having had LSD on several occasions. He described his trips as traveling the world and touching things. He also acknowledged the use of heroin, crack cocaine, mushrooms, ecstasy, and speed, but he was not able to provide more details.


This is the story of why somebody typed that.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Biography, Memoir, Biography Memoir

264 pages, Trade Paperback

First published May 10, 2012

Reviews

[Sean Mcdonough · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book because of a witty blog post/article the author wrote about trading some sanity to help keep the interwebs running. Unfortunately, absolutely none of that sort of material was present in this book.

"And Then I Thought I Was a Fish" is an autobiography of sorts. In it, Peter Welch describes how he truly lost his mind as a result of drug usage and sleep deprivation. Looking for programming-related tales? Nothing for you here - sorry.

The book was interesting to read (and I did read the whole thing), but it's all about drug usage, psychosis, recovery, and page-after-page of the crazy thoughts he had in between losing his sanity and regaining it. It's pretty interesting at first, but it gets old pretty quickly ... which is too bad, because that's the bulk of the book. Oh, and the book also has some "junk" in it like his mental assessments (from when he was admitted) - dull.

As a result of his experiences, I think the author has an interesting perspective on life and the nature of what constitutes "sane" and "normal." I did see and extract value from his observations and interpretations on a number of mental health and process-related topics, and that was why this book ended up with three stars instead of one or two.

In any case, if you're thinking about picking this up based on this quick review, then you may enjoy yourself. If you're looking at this book after having read one of the author's articles or blog posts on another (computer-related) topic, then do yourself a favor and move on.

[Jesse · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved it. This was a fascinating look at what it is like to have a psychotic break. His accounts of his internal experience set against the matter of fact descriptions from the mental hospital and the emotional accounts of friends and family create multiple perspectives that make the tale so much more understandable. And in addition to being interesting and informative, the book manages to be funny and touching as well. A quick warning- I suspect this book has permanently shaken my confidence in the stability of my mind and my ability to recognize reality.

[Cecilia Alfaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

(Pucha que me gustan los libros de testimonios)

[Audrius Liuberskis · Rating 4 out of 5]

An entertaining tale of a guy who went insane for a while due to an unfortunate combination of LSD, insomnia and other circumstances. The author is objective and honest, writing about both the positive and the negative aspects of the experience, making sure to neither overly promote nor discourage exploring mind-altering substances. The story provides interesting insights into how a mind of a crazy person operates, and leaves the reader thinking that being quite sceptical about everything one perceives and hears is probably a good idea.

[Eric_W · Rating 5 out of 5]

I usually don't read horror stories. I made an exception here. This book was written by my nephew and describes his descent into mental illness (for lack of a better way to describe what happened) from drug usage and total mishandling by the mental health industry. The writing reminds me of some of David Foster Wallace's essays and is well worth a read. Available only as a Kindle book, I believe.

Now, my brother and sister-in-law need to write the story from their perspective.

[Alexander Lisovsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Классная автобиографичная история о том, как автор закинулся кислотой и совершенно сошёл с ума. Собственно, этому и посвящена в основном книга — детальному описанию сумасшествия и тому, чем оно отличается от других расстройств и поведения людей, ведущих себя "странно". История автора достаточно уникальна в том, что ему удалось выбраться обратно в реальность и снова стать нормальным, здравым человеком (мельком он отмечает, что в обществе до сих пор бытуют предубеждения против сумасшедших — к ним относятся как к безнадёжным инвалидам, тогда как всё зависит от конкретной болезни и случая; далеко не все больные перманентно-неизлечимые).

Истории наркотических трипов довольно быстро превращаются в пересказ чужих снов (каждый, кто читал блоги, давно привык проматывать такие посты, потому что смысл в них есть только для самого рассказчика), но здесь автор всегда тщательно следит за тем, чтобы повествование не тонуло в зыбучих песках бредятины. Все описания его навязчивых идей служат исключительно как иллюстрации того, насколько мозг пластичен и как (незаметно для носителя и, зачастую, его друзей и родных) нарушается работа изменённого сознания.

Ещё мне понравился один из выводов, который автор делает из собственного опыта. Некоторые считают, что изменение сознания открывает брешь в материальной вселенной и даёт доступ к мистическим тайнам мироздания. Автор последовательно показывает, насколько это всё бред сивой кобылы, следующий просто из того, что в мозгу отключаются тормоза в механизмах получения информации от мира, и как просто и всецело безтормозной мозг начинает верить любой пришедшей в голову мысли. После пережитого опыта автор не может уважительно относиться к религиозным идеям (вере, не основанной на материальных данных), поскольку видел, как и отчего такие идеи возникают (по пять штук в минуту), полностью захватывая сознание (пока оно не переключится на следующую).

Ещё понравилось, что автор в итоге стал программистом и мельком отмечает, что для программирования высшая мыслительная деятельность скорее мешает — особенно при поиске багов в коде полезно от неё отключаться, потому что 95% всех багов связаны с какой-нибудь забытой запятой или скобкой. В общем, я всегда знал, что не стал программистом, потому что слишком умный для этого ;).

Книга написана хорошим, живым языком, рекомендую в особенности тем, кого, как и меня, завораживает тема сумасшествия. Она довольно короткая, и в конце там много приложений, где автор отвечает на вопросы, письма и прикладывает врачебные отчёты из своей истории болезни. Всё это можно опустить, после эпилога ничего особо интересного там нет. Читал по рекомендации Аввы.

[Jan Babiuch-hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my freaking god.

I don't remember who recommended this to me or how I found it. Apparently it's been on my kindle for 4 years before I came across the title while scrolling back and it grabbed me.

This is easily the best book I've read all year. It's funny. Hilariously funny. It has a lot of good, thoroughly researched and referenced information on psychology, neurophysiology, and the chemicals that make up or mess with the neurotransmitter soup inside our heads. It makes you think hard about and question the nature of reality, perception, and the limits of the human mind. And all of that is presented in the form of a page-turning personal story of a twenty-something guy accidentally taking too much acid , staying up for two weeks straight, and losing his mind bit by bit until he suddenly got it back.

If any of this sounds remotely interesting, read this book immediately.

[Miriam Cihodariu · Rating 3 out of 5]

This reads like a monography of a mental break-down spurred on by drug usage. It's interesting that the author noted with cool detachment everything he went through and the thoughts flying around his head, before, during, and after the breakdown.
The precision of a historian and his wit from his computer science background (this is how I know of him) also spice up the text from time to time.
Please be aware that the notes on the breakdown are really thorough, so if you're looking for a quick and funny read, this isn't it. You might get bored. I, for one, appreciated the extra factual dimension of this almost monographical approach to drug-related psychosis. Stay in school, kids:).

[Sam Lestrange · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book..

It was definitely a unique story told from an interesting perspective. That being said, this book is filled with pseudo-science mumbo jumbo and countless rambling anecdotes that add virtually nothing to the story. It is unfortunately very evident that the author of this book has no literary experience & I found myself skimming and re-reading whole segments out of confusion.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the original blog series and burned through it over the last 24 hours. Engaging on a 'hmm I've been close to that,' as well as a 'ohhh, but not that close though.'

Well written and I'm looking forward to rereading the edited/expanded book, as well as his others.

Also, hit the man's blog, cause it hits all kinds of 'yeah, this is good's.

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting masterbation

The book swings between interesting exploits of someone losing their mind and hippie interpretation. It is something I would recommend reading, but don't take it to heart.

[Eugenia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting insight into effects of psychedelics. Did not care for the dismissive and skeptical views of psychiatry.

[Rob · Rating 1 out of 5]

Self-important, braggadocio-, in-need-of-an-editor musings on youthful drug abuse and other related indiscretions.

[Lea Lundrup · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting, fascinating and written in a really funny way! (but still rather serious)

[MK Andersen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating in that this is a crazy life experience - maybe wouldn’t actively recommend to people, the end was a bit academic but that’s interesting too!

[Michael Herman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed it. A very interesting look at what ones internal experience looks like during a psychotic break. It's personal, blunt, clever, funny, and informative.

[Blethering Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

Okay, so I got this book after seeing it was a Kindle Freebie for a day or so and with my interest in mental health was interested to see this authors take on his experience. Unlike many of the books I have read about mental illness the author has only had one instance of serious mental illness, compared to the recurring problems many people are faced with. Ultimately he has concluded that his illness was to do with the drugs he took at the time and his lifestyle which tipped him over the edge.
This is a well written book, which captures the bizarre adventure Peter takes and his view of the experience compared to what nurses or doctors wrote while his was in a psychiatric ward. It shows the destruction drugs can cause without being a book to chastise those who take them on a recreational basis. Linked in with his experience there is some academic background to why he may have responded the way he did, but sometimes I felt these were given as far too clear cut and established then they are in reality.
I think the important thing I got from this novel is that it is an honest retelling of an experience which influence the authors life and is one which is worth reading. After the main text is other peoples stories, I did not go on to read these, but will return to them at a later date. They give response of others to the authors experience, questions the author has been asked via his website and their opinions.
An interesting read and one which I think many of those who dabbled in drugs would find interesting, or those with an interest in mental health.

[Nine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book mostly consists of a personal memoir or account of the author's experience with a long psychotic break triggered by a combination of LSD, sleep deprivation, and intense stress. At first, I really enjoyed what I was reading. The story of what Peter was feeling and experiencing was really interesting. The personal accounts reminded me a bit of It's Kind Of A Funny Story and The Psychopath Test. I enjoy reading explorations of the mind and psychology in this informal way.

However, once the personal account wraps up, the author begins analyzing his own experiences with a lot of research and technical writing that pulled me away from the story, and the writing began to lean more toward a research paper. I understand that the author did the research as a way to understand why his brain may have reacted in the ways that it did, and as a way to explain psychosis in contrast to psychedelic experiences. I just didn't enjoy the analysis because it seemed to really split the book into two wholly different styles. First I was reading a very personal, first-hand account of a wild series of experiences, told in a very casual style as though it was being told out loud, and then suddenly I'm reading a college psychology dissertation.

I also have to say that the constant need to check the footnotes for the punchline grew tiresome. There are 200 of these.

Overall, it was worth checking out, considering that it was a short book that was quick to read, and it was free on Kindle.

[Brian Gottfried · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book is, at its most basic level, an attempt by the author to allow us, the reader, to get inside his head. It's oddly fitting that this book, which tells the story of how the author went insane for a period of several years, should do a better job of conveying that sense than most others I've read. Often hilarious, occasionally poignant, and more often than not over my head, Welch's writing did a better job of explaining to me, a largely straight-edge white boy from the suburbs, the twin worlds of mind-altering drug use and mental illness better than any of my more unscrupulous friends ever have. Welch eventually comes to the present day and presents his conclusions about reality and the world (think of a blend of Neil Degrasse Tyson and Neal Stephenson, combined with a hard realistic atheism and tinted by his experiences with LSD), along with the fallout from this period of his life (not as much as you'd think, but still more than most of us could handle) and where he stands on the issue of mind-altering drugs now. This book probably won't change your life, but at the end of it, you'll understand the author in ways you might never understand your closest friends. It takes a lot of courage to bare yourself and your failings in text; it takes creativity and more than a little devil-may-care recklessness to do it in such an entertaining manner. Lastly, this book currently costs $3 for a Kindle edition. I don't know of any other media that has a better value/price ratio; pick it up and read it.

[Jason Kivela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not sure what I expected, but an explanation on what being on hard drugs was like isn't it. Many, many tangents along the way, and it took the author a while to get to any sort of point, but that is a lot like talking to someone who is high, so it set the right mood. I got lost/bored with some of the explanation on the more advanced research and theories about drug use. I was very interested in the narrator's decent in madness. There were interesting and humorous footnotes, but the eBook I read didn't have back links, so it was hard to read them. Which is a shame, I'm pretty sure I missed a good portion of the story. Seeing how the drug use and break down moved into full out madness was really interesting, not a topic I've ever looked into. The narrator's father was hilarious, I enjoyed his parts--which is another interesting thing the author did, had various people give their thoughts and memories of certain events. The conclusion got both a bit abstract and preachy, not that I didn't agree with most of his conclusions, I just don't like being told how to think or how to experience the world.

[Sett Wai · Rating 3 out of 5]

Peter Welch(programmer, blogger who wrote "Programming Sucks") recounts that time he did LSD, stopped sleeping and went crazy, culminating in having full blown psychosis and getting institutionalised. Entertaining and fascinating, Welch offers a look into the mind of an insane person as his misadventure takes him through various activities through his hometown, ranging from hilarious to almost deadly. He offers some rather pragmatic insights and little bit of personal philosophy on the whole ordeal from a sober, and slightly analytical, perspective.

[Stacey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was fascinating and really well-written. I read it in a single day. I dock it a star only for how it seems to have been proofread by the Microsoft Word paperclip. It left me feeling like I am very happily but boringly sane and that I'll make sure I stay so by never taking any hallucinogens. I wonder if his experience offers lessons in how to bring crazy people back into our reality, but I haven't found most of them to be so agreeable about being told, "You know that's crazy, right?" or "Don't be stupid."

[Miki · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first third of this is witty, interesting, and worth the rather low price of admission all on its own. At about the half-way point I'd completely lost interest in the details of the author's sequential delusional states. They're interesting individually, but the unending progression renders them banal.

[Gary Walker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good account of the psychedelic experience, and what it's like to have a psychotic break. Begins strongly with some funny and action-packed anecdotes, but flags in the second half with numerous, boring descriptions of the various delusions the author underwent.

[Mad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting description of a psychotic episode that utilizes engaging and sometimes beautiful prose as well as pop culture references to make madness understandable. There is a bit of filler, but it's all at the end and easy to skip or dig into if you prefer.

[John Baker · Rating 3 out of 5]

First-person account of major onset of mental illness brought on by LSD. Great account; painful to read for anyone who knows casualties of such an event.

[Sam Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious, well written, tragic, and a pervasive insight into the psychedelic experience. Brilliant.

[Jure · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting look into LSD trip.

[CK · Rating 2 out of 5]

Autobiographic account. Initially interesting but becomes a bit repetitive.

[Nathaniel Dempkowski · Rating 3 out of 5]

A tale that delves deep into drug induced psychosis and the recovery process from it. An interesting story, but there is little to take away from it.