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My Dining Hell: Twenty Ways to Have a Lousy Night Out
I have been a restaurant critic for over a decade, written reviews of well over 700 establishments, and if there is one thing I have learned it is that people like reviews of bad restaurants. No, scratch that. They adore them, feast upon them like starving vultures who have spotted fly-blown carrion out in the bush. They claim otherwise, of course. Readers like to present themselves as private arbiters of taste; as people interested in the good stuff. I'm sure they are. I'm sure they really do care whether the steak was served au point as requested or whether the souffle had achieved a certain ineffable lightness. And yet, when I compare dinner to bodily fluids, the room to an S & M chamber (only without the glamor or class), and the bill to an act of grand larceny, why, then the baying crowd is truly happy. Don't believe me? Then why, presented with the chance to buy this ebook filled with accounts of twenty restaurants - their chefs, their owners, their poor benighted front of house staff - getting a complete stiffing courtesy of the sort of vitriolic bloody-curdling review which would make the victims call for their mothers, did you seize it with both hands?
63 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 25, 2012
26 people are currently reading
218 people want to read
About the author
Jay Rayner
21 books86 followersJay Rayner is a British journalist, writer and broadcaster born in 1966.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
April 27, 2017
A couple weeks ago a hilarious restaurant review popped to the top of The Guardian's most-read stories, probably because everyone who read it spit up their coffee and immediately forwarded it to someone else. (And if you haven't read Jay Rayner's celebrated, ecstatically savage meringue of metaphors, hop to it. You can thank me in the comments.)
Today this peppy Penguin appeared in my mailbox, the gift of a friend who knew how much I'd enjoyed the first round. It's a sampler of spiteful reviews, as amusing as you'd expect from a writer who's been described as having a face like monkfish genitalia. Rayner knows his audience: the book greets its reader with the announcement "You are a horrible person." It's a welcome addition to my porcelain shelf, where it will join other minor meditations such as Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love and The Biographical Dictionary of Literary Failure.
Today this peppy Penguin appeared in my mailbox, the gift of a friend who knew how much I'd enjoyed the first round. It's a sampler of spiteful reviews, as amusing as you'd expect from a writer who's been described as having a face like monkfish genitalia. Rayner knows his audience: the book greets its reader with the announcement "You are a horrible person." It's a welcome addition to my porcelain shelf, where it will join other minor meditations such as Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love and The Biographical Dictionary of Literary Failure.
September 17, 2017
I found this teeny-tiny book on my mum's bookshelves and decided to give it a quick read, and I was not disappointed! I loved his cynical approach and condescending tone mocking absolutely everything about these restaurants, and his audacity/bravery at points (himself, a Jew, going to have lunch with a Nazi at an anti-Semitic cafe was an interesting idea, to say the least). also, he has some really good one-liners that are guaranteed to make you chuckle. this was perfect for reading in the car on an hour-or-two long trip, and I highly recommend!
January 13, 2017
I wish this were a physical book. It would be the ideal thing to keep in the loo and leaf through while engaging in bowel movements. Dipping in and out of e-books just isn't the same. In any case, great reading for hungry sadists everywhere - its the Darwin Awards of restaurantdom.
August 25, 2021
From an introduction which basically gives the reader a bollocking for closet schadenfreude to his iron-fist-in-a-velvet-glove takedowns of Marco Pierre White, Marcus Wareing and Brian Turner, this collection of exquisitely negative restaurant reviews sees Rayner at his take-no-prisoners finest. Some choice cuts:
“At Cocoon, hate springs eternal. I hated the thumping music. I hated the wispy flounces to net hanging floor to ceiling, which, like shower curtains, reached out to grab you. I hated the ceiling centrepieces of red ruched fabric pushed into a central hole, which decorated every one of the separate spaces and looked like cats’ arses. I hated the clipboard Nazi at the front door, and the bar area with its crumb-crusted seats from the previous occupants and the floor-walkers with their earpieces who still managed to run around like headless chickens when we tried to get shown to our table.”
“The Marco Pierre White Steakhouse and Grill, formerly Lanes, is a big airy pale cream space, at the heart of the City, and sells food aimed at red-blooded hedge-fund managers who are down to their last million and crying for Nursie.”
“The view from the dining room over the Loch is gorgeous, but when dusk has fallen you are left with the dining room itself, which is a grey space with all the charm of a dentist’s waiting room without the promise of anaesthetic.”
“A king prawn makhanwala was sold with the optimistic legend: ‘Go on, don’t be shy, lovely jubbly’. No, it wasn’t. A bath with randy scorpions would have been lovelier than this.”
“Langtry’s does indeed celebrate British food, but only in the way a murderer might dance upon its victims’ graves.”
Delicious!
“At Cocoon, hate springs eternal. I hated the thumping music. I hated the wispy flounces to net hanging floor to ceiling, which, like shower curtains, reached out to grab you. I hated the ceiling centrepieces of red ruched fabric pushed into a central hole, which decorated every one of the separate spaces and looked like cats’ arses. I hated the clipboard Nazi at the front door, and the bar area with its crumb-crusted seats from the previous occupants and the floor-walkers with their earpieces who still managed to run around like headless chickens when we tried to get shown to our table.”
“The Marco Pierre White Steakhouse and Grill, formerly Lanes, is a big airy pale cream space, at the heart of the City, and sells food aimed at red-blooded hedge-fund managers who are down to their last million and crying for Nursie.”
“The view from the dining room over the Loch is gorgeous, but when dusk has fallen you are left with the dining room itself, which is a grey space with all the charm of a dentist’s waiting room without the promise of anaesthetic.”
“A king prawn makhanwala was sold with the optimistic legend: ‘Go on, don’t be shy, lovely jubbly’. No, it wasn’t. A bath with randy scorpions would have been lovelier than this.”
“Langtry’s does indeed celebrate British food, but only in the way a murderer might dance upon its victims’ graves.”
Delicious!
January 6, 2016
It takes a very very horrible person to devour 72 pages of vitriol spewed by an infamous restaurant critic, and I can’t believe that I was that horrible person!
Or maybe the flavour of Jayner’s stinging sarcastic venum is just something seasoned to my liking, as it reminds me a lot of Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. If there were to be an audiobook for this book, I would highly recommend Jim Parson to narrate it (and that would be like an evil dream come true)!
It is true that these food reviews do not seem to come from a nice and benevolent person (although mercilessly honest and stylishly sharp), but let's be blunt, food review is not a synonym for restaurant spiel and I would be spitting at the author if he described Big Mac as a godsend culinary wonder (yes, he reviewed the McDonald's). As a bystander I just cannot help laughing and enjoying his performance of satirical art and wordsmithship. I adore his special sense of humour.
It is a fun read for a not-so-empathetic and playful soul.
Or maybe the flavour of Jayner’s stinging sarcastic venum is just something seasoned to my liking, as it reminds me a lot of Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory. If there were to be an audiobook for this book, I would highly recommend Jim Parson to narrate it (and that would be like an evil dream come true)!
It is true that these food reviews do not seem to come from a nice and benevolent person (although mercilessly honest and stylishly sharp), but let's be blunt, food review is not a synonym for restaurant spiel and I would be spitting at the author if he described Big Mac as a godsend culinary wonder (yes, he reviewed the McDonald's). As a bystander I just cannot help laughing and enjoying his performance of satirical art and wordsmithship. I adore his special sense of humour.
It is a fun read for a not-so-empathetic and playful soul.
August 21, 2022
Most of the restaurants reviewed here I will never eat in, some because they have subsequently closed (Rayner's review being symptomatic rather than causal re their failure), or because they are way beyond my price point (most of them charging current day cost-of-living-hike prices despite the reviews dating from pre-2008 crash). The only exception is McDonalds, and I have to concur on all his comments there. As he state in one of his chapters "Money can't buy you love... or nice things to eat" but it should do the latter, so it was nice to read these pretentious eateries being taken down, with a heaped spoonful of relish.
July 17, 2022
So many excellent barbs in here I will add to my arsenal "the sort of people that prefer their mirrors horizontal to vertical"
August 30, 2013
According to the author one (me, I suppose) must be a horrible person to have picked up his book. After all, it's a mere compendium of 20 of his negative restaurant reviews. And they are negative. What at first might be enticing in that sort of vicarious thrill one gets from reading a truly trashing review becomes wearing when piled one atop the other. They worked spread out over years of publication - gathered together, they don't. While now and again Rayner gets off a laugh out loud line, overall he's not nearly as humorous as he thinks he is. Read it in small doses and you might enjoy it far more than I did sitting down and plowing straight on through.
August 18, 2015
This book came at a great time as I was needing a little bit of snark. This book is a collection of Jay Rayner's bad restaurant reviews. After reading some of the first few, I decided it would be better to read only a couple at a time. I read some of these to my boys and they snorted in appreciation of the witticisms. I will pass it on to my sister who lived in the UK for a time and may have heard or even gone to one of these places.
November 29, 2021
If you’ve read any of Jay Rayner’s books, you know he’s witty, honest, and well-versed about the restaurant and food business. Typically, books by food critics include chapters on multiple eateries, some good, others not. In My Dining Hell, he plays the devil, talking only about restaurants that failed to impress. A short and entertaining book, you can possibly finish it during a forgetful meal at any of the places mentioned in it
December 8, 2020
An engaging and compulsively readable collection of twenty reviews Jay Rayner has written over the years after suffering through appalling restaurant meals, served (usually sneeringly or chaotically) at wildly inflated prices, this is great fun. Almost all the restaurants here on the receiving end of his always well-turned writing have long-since closed down. Thankfully, if Jay is to be believed. And there's no reason he shouldn't be.
Still, entertaining as this book is, there's nothing as brilliantly disdainful as his verdict on Pizza Hut's cheeseburger stuffed crust pizza at the end of his excellent 2013 book, 'A Greedy Man in a Hungry World.' But honestly, that's an exceptionally high standard to aim for.
Still, entertaining as this book is, there's nothing as brilliantly disdainful as his verdict on Pizza Hut's cheeseburger stuffed crust pizza at the end of his excellent 2013 book, 'A Greedy Man in a Hungry World.' But honestly, that's an exceptionally high standard to aim for.
May 3, 2018
Too short, I feel I only got an appetizer!
Now I can't avoid the fact that I read Jay Rayner's articles in The Observer each Sunday with glee, so I am hardly unbiased as a critic. I enjoyed this book but couldn't help thinking that at only 96 pages it was a bit on the sparse side.
It could do with updating as he's been scathing since 2011 (latest date of a review in the book). It's not a difficult job is it? All he has to do is collate what he's already written and add it to other stuff he's already written! Mind you for £1-99 it was worth it for an hour's entertainment!
Now I can't avoid the fact that I read Jay Rayner's articles in The Observer each Sunday with glee, so I am hardly unbiased as a critic. I enjoyed this book but couldn't help thinking that at only 96 pages it was a bit on the sparse side.
It could do with updating as he's been scathing since 2011 (latest date of a review in the book). It's not a difficult job is it? All he has to do is collate what he's already written and add it to other stuff he's already written! Mind you for £1-99 it was worth it for an hour's entertainment!
June 9, 2018
A fun little read that hit the mark for a pretty rough week. A nice quick read that's worth picking up. Everything else you need to know is in the title. I bought the paperback edition in the London Review of Books shop in London last month as I was intrigued by the title, and it did not disappoint.
January 13, 2019
Great fun
I am, as Mr Rayner observes at the beginning of this book, a Bad Person, because I loved it. Schadenfreude or something. I’m a also an ex Maitre D so I’ve been there. This book is all the more entertaining for the elegance of its expression and some cracking laugh out loud jokes. Well worth £3.99 of anyone’s hard earned dollar
I am, as Mr Rayner observes at the beginning of this book, a Bad Person, because I loved it. Schadenfreude or something. I’m a also an ex Maitre D so I’ve been there. This book is all the more entertaining for the elegance of its expression and some cracking laugh out loud jokes. Well worth £3.99 of anyone’s hard earned dollar
May 6, 2024
I like reading Jay Rayner's restaurant reviews in The Guardian, and hadn't realized he'd written some books. This is as described- a collection of (amusingly written) negative restaurant reviews previously published in the paper.
This was a (fun) short read. If I had more self-control I would have read one a day, but got through it in two sittings.
This was a (fun) short read. If I had more self-control I would have read one a day, but got through it in two sittings.
March 20, 2021
Loved this book! If you want a really good laugh, I can definitely recommend My Dining Hell. Jay Rayner has a way with words, especially when reviewing bad food in equally dodgy dining establishments, particularly if those places really ought to know better and be serving up fine dining!
October 26, 2022
4.5 - what keeps it from being a solid 5 is just the fact that you really can't read this (rather slim) book in a single sitting or two because it is full of that sardonic humour that is best in small chunks. But in small chunks at a time it is absolutely brilliant.
July 17, 2017
a collection of his negative restaurant reviews...gets a bit redundant by the end, but funny.
August 5, 2017
Great if a little short
November 18, 2017
Funny af
September 25, 2018
Essential reading for weekend paper readers who only buy them to gobble up the restaurant reviews.
March 6, 2019
A strange little delight. It's a collection of restaurant reviews, all of them negative, by a brilliant reviewer. Not everyone's cup of tea, but I loved it.
April 6, 2019
Amusing and witty, pretty much like Rayner's Guardian reviews.
September 25, 2019
Brilliant stuff, clever and funny. And makes you realise how fluid the restaurant business is!
January 28, 2020
It was interesting but not as good as the previous one of his. I’d have liked more information about the food and what was wrong with it.
September 8, 2020
A few of the reviews sounded repetitive.
April 20, 2021
It was okay
This book was okay. It have good story and some just to make a impact. It have the over take with it. It was good and that all I can say.
This book was okay. It have good story and some just to make a impact. It have the over take with it. It was good and that all I can say.
March 12, 2022
Very short, very funny book, not quite enough detail in the writing to be great, but understandable given the reviews were written for a newspaper column.
October 29, 2022
Scathing reviews are rare, and in the hands of a first-class wit, that much more enjoyable. Rayner's takedowns are mostly of pretentious, overpriced frauds, who met an early demise.
October 2, 2023
Really made me laugh.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews