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Losing and Gaining
At three-hundred-sixty-seven pounds, Douglas Everett Smith spent his school years being teased and verbally abused almost every day. He was spared by no one, except for Jesse Billson, a classmate who treated him like a normal person. Douglas's crush on Jesse kept him going when things got really tough, even though deep down he knew Jesse would never see him as anything other than a charity case.
After spending years hating himself and feeling miserable, Douglas finally took action. Two years of hard work and the support of a trainer helped him drop one-hundred-fifty pounds. And, his first name. Now, as the new and improved Everett Smith, he's thrilled when Jesse Billson comes back into his life. Even more amazing, his schoolboy crush doesn't even recognize him, but he does start flirting with him. Everett knows he should come clean, but as romantic feelings quickly develop between the men, the fear of losing Jesse makes it harder for Everett to admit the truth about his identity.
But nothing stays hidden forever. And when the old days collide head-on with the new, Everett wonders whether his improved life will fall flat before it gets fully started? Or can he somehow make his past disappear?
Gay / Contemporary
169 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 24, 2012
1 person is currently reading
74 people want to read
About the author
Heidi Champa
92 books39 followersHeidi Champa is a typical last-born child. Snarky, attention-seeking and rebellious, she started to create dirty stories to keep herself out of real trouble. Having tried her hand at a million terrible jobs, she bought herself a laptop and finally started typing up those handwritten tales. After much deliberation, she started to let other people read her work.
In addition to her flare with the written word, she knows every sentence of the movie Clue by heart and bakes a mean Funny Cake. She loves Aussie Rules Football (Go The Cats!!), dancing to bad music and laughing too loud in public. A natural born klutz, she has been known to fall for no reason at all and always has a bruise somewhere on her body. Her life has taken her all over the world, but a piece of her heart will always be in Australia. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband.
She has been published in numerous anthologies including Best Women’s Erotica 2010, Best of Best Women's Erotica 2, Playing With Fire, Frenzy, College Boys, Like Magnets We Attract, Skater Boys and Ultimate Curves. Her first novella, White Out, was published by Amber Allure in August 2010 and her second, All Expenses Paid, was released in June. She has also steamed up the pages of Bust Magazine. If you prefer your erotica in electronic form, she can be found at Clean Sheets, Torquere Press, Ravenous Romance, Oysters and Chocolate, Dreamspinner Press, and The Erotic Woman.
In addition to her flare with the written word, she knows every sentence of the movie Clue by heart and bakes a mean Funny Cake. She loves Aussie Rules Football (Go The Cats!!), dancing to bad music and laughing too loud in public. A natural born klutz, she has been known to fall for no reason at all and always has a bruise somewhere on her body. Her life has taken her all over the world, but a piece of her heart will always be in Australia. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband.
She has been published in numerous anthologies including Best Women’s Erotica 2010, Best of Best Women's Erotica 2, Playing With Fire, Frenzy, College Boys, Like Magnets We Attract, Skater Boys and Ultimate Curves. Her first novella, White Out, was published by Amber Allure in August 2010 and her second, All Expenses Paid, was released in June. She has also steamed up the pages of Bust Magazine. If you prefer your erotica in electronic form, she can be found at Clean Sheets, Torquere Press, Ravenous Romance, Oysters and Chocolate, Dreamspinner Press, and The Erotic Woman.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
August 2, 2012
What a surprise this book was for me. I've never read any Champa books before but I'm hooked and I'm looking for more. I really enjoyed the writing style and characters.
Everett/Doug is an IT guy at a pharmacutical company. He works out daily and watches his calories. Gabi, his trainer and friend, is the only one who knows about his past and it's with her help over 2 years that he was able to drop all the weight he did. They have a sweet relationship and there's a nice secondary romance here with Gabi and Everett's friend Matt.
There's difficult stuff to read here mostly as Everett thinks back on his childhood when he was extremely overweight and the bullying he suffered throughout his years at school. One bright spot during this time was his crush Jesse who treated him kindly but still never owned up to being his friend except when they were alone.
Everett has a hard time seeing the man he is now when in his mind he's still Doug. He can't gracefully accept compliments when he feels deep down he doesn't deserve them. There's quite a battle going on in his head that's fascinating to read.
Jesse comes back into his life as a new hire to the company. There's instant attraction there but Jesse doesn't recognize him as a Doug and Everett doesn't own up to it. There's tension there waiting for the shoe to drop. When will Jesse find out, how will he find out, how will he react?
Add to that fact that Everett is also a 27 year old virgin and he doesn't know how to bring that up without scaring away Jesse only adds to the tension.
I really loved Everett. He suffered quite a bit growing up, the bullying was horrendeous, but he's at a good place in his life if he could just accept it. I've never read a book with this kind of storyline before and I enjoyed the uniqueness of it.
I could understand Everett's reluctance to reveal himself but at the same time I could see the train wreck coming. I found this to be a really sweet read with well written dialogue and characters. Refreshing and recommended.
Everett/Doug is an IT guy at a pharmacutical company. He works out daily and watches his calories. Gabi, his trainer and friend, is the only one who knows about his past and it's with her help over 2 years that he was able to drop all the weight he did. They have a sweet relationship and there's a nice secondary romance here with Gabi and Everett's friend Matt.
There's difficult stuff to read here mostly as Everett thinks back on his childhood when he was extremely overweight and the bullying he suffered throughout his years at school. One bright spot during this time was his crush Jesse who treated him kindly but still never owned up to being his friend except when they were alone.
Everett has a hard time seeing the man he is now when in his mind he's still Doug. He can't gracefully accept compliments when he feels deep down he doesn't deserve them. There's quite a battle going on in his head that's fascinating to read.
Jesse comes back into his life as a new hire to the company. There's instant attraction there but Jesse doesn't recognize him as a Doug and Everett doesn't own up to it. There's tension there waiting for the shoe to drop. When will Jesse find out, how will he find out, how will he react?
Add to that fact that Everett is also a 27 year old virgin and he doesn't know how to bring that up without scaring away Jesse only adds to the tension.
I really loved Everett. He suffered quite a bit growing up, the bullying was horrendeous, but he's at a good place in his life if he could just accept it. I've never read a book with this kind of storyline before and I enjoyed the uniqueness of it.
I could understand Everett's reluctance to reveal himself but at the same time I could see the train wreck coming. I found this to be a really sweet read with well written dialogue and characters. Refreshing and recommended.
June 25, 2012
2.5 stars. Ok m/m romance about a guy who's always been obese until finally, at age 25 (two years before the story starts), he decides to reinvent himself by eating better, working out, getting a new job, and changing his name. Too bad you can't escape the past quite that easily... I thought this had a lot of potential, but I got frustrated with the main character's doormat nature. People using each other's names too much in conversation was an additional frustration.
September 24, 2012
This review can be found at The Armchair Reader.
Two years ago, at three hundred and sixty-seven pounds, Doug Smith had enough of being pitied and disgusted and finally did something to change all that. He turned his life around by moving to a new town, going by his middle name, Everett, and signing up for a gym. Now, he’s a hundred and fifty pounds lighter but still deals with the daily struggle of not eating anything and everything he wants. He’s also still the shy, nervous and secretive boy he was in high school. When his former crush and classmate, Jesse, gets hired at his job, he’s terrified of his past coming back to haunt him again. He doesn’t expect for Jesse not to recognize him nor for Jesse to find him attractive but after avoiding Jesse for several weeks, he finally agrees to a date. Soon their fledgling relationship starts becoming more serious. Unfortunately, Everett struggles with revealing to Jesse who he really is. Until the day all of Jesse’s former friends pop up and Everett gets outed before he’s ready to be, creating more hurt feelings than Everett expected.
One of the things I loved about this book was Everett. The way the author handled his feelings on his weight problems and his struggle to be where he is today was spot on, IMO. Everett loves and misses food but he wants to be normal more than he wants to indulge in sweets and junk food. I also felt like the author captured Everett’s downhill spiral accurately when things got messy with Jesse. It’s heartbreaking the self-loathing and disgust Everett has for himself, though. It made me cry because Everett is definitely harsher on himself than others are. Beyond that, Everett is a shy, inexperienced character. He’s a virgin and never been in a relationship. The one experience he had ends in his humiliation. When Jesse comes along, Everett is nervous he’ll screw things up because of what Jesse would think of a twenty-seven year old virgin and the rejection if Jesse found out he used to be Doug.
I liked Jesse to a certain extent. I loved how he handled Everett’s vulnerability and how sweet and kind he was to Everett most of the time. Unfortunately, that was usually only when him and Everett were alone. One of the things I didn’t like about Jesse was how dismissive and cold he was when around others. Especially at work. And around his friends and family he seemed more focused on hanging out with them than being around Everett. He seemed more like the jock he was instead of the ‘changed’ man he is now. But he was very gentle and caring towards and with Everett. There are definitely some sweet moments within this story and ultimately he helps Everett come to terms with who he was and who he is now.
Beyond that, the only other thing I didn’t like about the story was how it glossed over much of the more important scenes (at least to me) like the meeting of both sets of parents, Rodney’s apology to Everett and when/where Jesse asked Everett to move in. Granted, the epilogue was very cute and made me smile so I’m glad we at least got that but I just wished the rest would have been fleshed out because I would have loved to see how everyone took their relationship after what happened and such.
All in all, this is both a heartbreaking and heartwarming story. Heartbreaking because of Everett’s self-loathing but heartwarming because of his ultimate acceptance of merging the fat boy he was into the healthy, fit man he is now and finally accepting his past self. The secondary characters, Matt and Gabi, make the story come alive and help it move along when things heat up as well as add funny moments to the plot. The tension and chemistry between Jesse and Everett is hot and believable especially since its dabbles a bit with an unrequited crush.
Two years ago, at three hundred and sixty-seven pounds, Doug Smith had enough of being pitied and disgusted and finally did something to change all that. He turned his life around by moving to a new town, going by his middle name, Everett, and signing up for a gym. Now, he’s a hundred and fifty pounds lighter but still deals with the daily struggle of not eating anything and everything he wants. He’s also still the shy, nervous and secretive boy he was in high school. When his former crush and classmate, Jesse, gets hired at his job, he’s terrified of his past coming back to haunt him again. He doesn’t expect for Jesse not to recognize him nor for Jesse to find him attractive but after avoiding Jesse for several weeks, he finally agrees to a date. Soon their fledgling relationship starts becoming more serious. Unfortunately, Everett struggles with revealing to Jesse who he really is. Until the day all of Jesse’s former friends pop up and Everett gets outed before he’s ready to be, creating more hurt feelings than Everett expected.
One of the things I loved about this book was Everett. The way the author handled his feelings on his weight problems and his struggle to be where he is today was spot on, IMO. Everett loves and misses food but he wants to be normal more than he wants to indulge in sweets and junk food. I also felt like the author captured Everett’s downhill spiral accurately when things got messy with Jesse. It’s heartbreaking the self-loathing and disgust Everett has for himself, though. It made me cry because Everett is definitely harsher on himself than others are. Beyond that, Everett is a shy, inexperienced character. He’s a virgin and never been in a relationship. The one experience he had ends in his humiliation. When Jesse comes along, Everett is nervous he’ll screw things up because of what Jesse would think of a twenty-seven year old virgin and the rejection if Jesse found out he used to be Doug.
I liked Jesse to a certain extent. I loved how he handled Everett’s vulnerability and how sweet and kind he was to Everett most of the time. Unfortunately, that was usually only when him and Everett were alone. One of the things I didn’t like about Jesse was how dismissive and cold he was when around others. Especially at work. And around his friends and family he seemed more focused on hanging out with them than being around Everett. He seemed more like the jock he was instead of the ‘changed’ man he is now. But he was very gentle and caring towards and with Everett. There are definitely some sweet moments within this story and ultimately he helps Everett come to terms with who he was and who he is now.
Beyond that, the only other thing I didn’t like about the story was how it glossed over much of the more important scenes (at least to me) like the meeting of both sets of parents, Rodney’s apology to Everett and when/where Jesse asked Everett to move in. Granted, the epilogue was very cute and made me smile so I’m glad we at least got that but I just wished the rest would have been fleshed out because I would have loved to see how everyone took their relationship after what happened and such.
All in all, this is both a heartbreaking and heartwarming story. Heartbreaking because of Everett’s self-loathing but heartwarming because of his ultimate acceptance of merging the fat boy he was into the healthy, fit man he is now and finally accepting his past self. The secondary characters, Matt and Gabi, make the story come alive and help it move along when things heat up as well as add funny moments to the plot. The tension and chemistry between Jesse and Everett is hot and believable especially since its dabbles a bit with an unrequited crush.
June 25, 2012
Reviewed for Hearts On Fire Reviews
The author of this story did a fantastic job with Douglas Everett Smith. You are able to see the fat boy inside the fit man, because that’s how Evs sees himself. Even below his goal weight, he views himself as a fat person, self-conscious and ready to be ridiculed. He’s heartbreaking because he is all too real. A lifetime of being bullied, tormented and looked down on just can’t be erased overnight, even when he finally decides enough and begins to do something about himself. He doesn’t handle compliments well, he is so self-deprecating that you want to scream, and he believes other people’s problems (Kurt the asshat) are his fault. As the story is told in first person from his point of view, it’s an on-target view of Ev’s body/confidence issues. When he hits that 150 pounds lost his trainer, Gabi, is ecstatic and is surprised that he isn’t more excited. But I could see it – he’s at his goal, isn’t his life supposed to be magically amazing now? He just broke my heart ¬sometimes. When he talks about the day he officially started feeling bad about himself every minute of every day, it’s a too familiar feeling for so many people. Like he says – you can hide some problems, but you can’t hide being fat. It’s just out there for everyone to see and complete strangers find it acceptable to let you know that you are fat, and how you can combat it. Can’t just quit food, after all.
The story was a solid four for me just due to Doug/Everett. It lost a half because his choice in men – both Kurt and Jesse – was just bad. Kurt is an out and out jerk and Evs deserved better. But then we move on to Jesse. Jesse doesn’t recognize Doug/Evs, which I could understand. He’s 150 pounds lighter, fit and it’s years after high school. Plus, they weren’t great friends. But then I felt like Jesse, with his comments about the stranger in the restaurant, hadn’t changed since high school, when he allowed his friends to treat Doug like crap and then would stop talking to Doug himself. Even at work, when supposedly he didn’t have Everett’s phone number so that’s why he avoided him for over a week, why wouldn’t he talk to him when the group was around (in the breakroom)? Why did he blow off the lunch? Suddenly when Everett is alone in the garage, THEN it’s okay to talk to him? I didn’t buy it.
When Evs is “outed” as Doug, so to speak, by a high school friend of Jesse’s at a party that Evs didn’t even know he was going to be attending, Jesse acts like a jerk and allows his very giant jerk of a brother to hit him? Really?
Doug’s reactions seemed real to me, in an “I don’t deserve better” way. Could completely see him going binging after that whole fiasco and giving up the gym. Why bother, if his life is the same? But he’s a lovely character, and I wanted something more for him. It’s a thought provoking story about how you view yourself.
The author of this story did a fantastic job with Douglas Everett Smith. You are able to see the fat boy inside the fit man, because that’s how Evs sees himself. Even below his goal weight, he views himself as a fat person, self-conscious and ready to be ridiculed. He’s heartbreaking because he is all too real. A lifetime of being bullied, tormented and looked down on just can’t be erased overnight, even when he finally decides enough and begins to do something about himself. He doesn’t handle compliments well, he is so self-deprecating that you want to scream, and he believes other people’s problems (Kurt the asshat) are his fault. As the story is told in first person from his point of view, it’s an on-target view of Ev’s body/confidence issues. When he hits that 150 pounds lost his trainer, Gabi, is ecstatic and is surprised that he isn’t more excited. But I could see it – he’s at his goal, isn’t his life supposed to be magically amazing now? He just broke my heart ¬sometimes. When he talks about the day he officially started feeling bad about himself every minute of every day, it’s a too familiar feeling for so many people. Like he says – you can hide some problems, but you can’t hide being fat. It’s just out there for everyone to see and complete strangers find it acceptable to let you know that you are fat, and how you can combat it. Can’t just quit food, after all.
The story was a solid four for me just due to Doug/Everett. It lost a half because his choice in men – both Kurt and Jesse – was just bad. Kurt is an out and out jerk and Evs deserved better. But then we move on to Jesse. Jesse doesn’t recognize Doug/Evs, which I could understand. He’s 150 pounds lighter, fit and it’s years after high school. Plus, they weren’t great friends. But then I felt like Jesse, with his comments about the stranger in the restaurant, hadn’t changed since high school, when he allowed his friends to treat Doug like crap and then would stop talking to Doug himself. Even at work, when supposedly he didn’t have Everett’s phone number so that’s why he avoided him for over a week, why wouldn’t he talk to him when the group was around (in the breakroom)? Why did he blow off the lunch? Suddenly when Everett is alone in the garage, THEN it’s okay to talk to him? I didn’t buy it.
When Evs is “outed” as Doug, so to speak, by a high school friend of Jesse’s at a party that Evs didn’t even know he was going to be attending, Jesse acts like a jerk and allows his very giant jerk of a brother to hit him? Really?
Doug’s reactions seemed real to me, in an “I don’t deserve better” way. Could completely see him going binging after that whole fiasco and giving up the gym. Why bother, if his life is the same? But he’s a lovely character, and I wanted something more for him. It’s a thought provoking story about how you view yourself.
July 5, 2012
3.5 stars. I liked this story for a number of reasons, but the most important one I think is that the writer captured well Doug/Everett's feelings of self-loathing and his slavery to the scale and food choices and his embarrassment at being overweight. Why would he want to tell his former crush - who didn't even recognize him - that he was a former fat person who felt he had only been pitied or the object of disgust in high school? While I don't think starting off any relationship with keeping secrets is a good one, given Everett's complete lack of experience with dating, relationships or even really many friendships, it's not all that hard to understand his reticence. Jesse's comment about another fat person while they were at dinner I thought spoke a lot more about his character and lack of understanding and empathy. I can't imagine making a comment like that about a perfect stranger. Both guys made mistakes and made assumptions about the other's motivations. Everett's binge after the fight was also realistically portrayed - including the throwing up after eating so much food after months of a restricted diet. There's nothing that feels worse than eating sugar and carbs after not eating them for a long while. Most importantly the story showed that just losing weight is NOT that answer to all of life's problems and there is still work to be done - especially in relationships with other people.
June 26, 2012
3.5 stars
I think I would have enjoyed this more if there was less talking to Gabi at the gym and his boring IT work. It was a chore for Everett and also for me at times even though I do get it was for his own good. More focus on the relationship between Jesse and Everett would have been an improvement in getting a better feel for them both. Still a good little romance, worthwhile to see Everett's hard work has paid off and how far he has come.
I think I would have enjoyed this more if there was less talking to Gabi at the gym and his boring IT work. It was a chore for Everett and also for me at times even though I do get it was for his own good. More focus on the relationship between Jesse and Everett would have been an improvement in getting a better feel for them both. Still a good little romance, worthwhile to see Everett's hard work has paid off and how far he has come.
June 25, 2012
This had great potential but after a while I got tired of Everett always putting himself down and the speech sounded really wooden and unrealistic. Also Jesse was a prat about his brother!
September 30, 2012
I loved this book, I completely understand where the main character was coming from of wanting to reinvent himself after his childhood of being bullied (I've thought of it many times myself through my life!).
As fate would have it, one of the good things from his past makes an appearance in his present, but he does not admit the truth of who he is and the history they have. While you understand why, at the same time, you know that it is not going to go well when Jesse finds out Everett is actually Doug, and while he knew who Jesse was the whole time, Jesse is going to feel lied to....
I liked how this was dealt with, that Everett had friends, even though he did not think he had people who cared about him aside from his parents, and that even when you make a huge mistake, if both parties are willing to talk and be open, you can get through the challenges.
Another author I will be reading more of!
As fate would have it, one of the good things from his past makes an appearance in his present, but he does not admit the truth of who he is and the history they have. While you understand why, at the same time, you know that it is not going to go well when Jesse finds out Everett is actually Doug, and while he knew who Jesse was the whole time, Jesse is going to feel lied to....
I liked how this was dealt with, that Everett had friends, even though he did not think he had people who cared about him aside from his parents, and that even when you make a huge mistake, if both parties are willing to talk and be open, you can get through the challenges.
Another author I will be reading more of!
March 12, 2013
I won this book in the Big-Ass Holiday Author Giveaway™-Thank you so much Heidi :D xxx
When I read the description of the book I knew I had to read it.
I liked Everett and Jesse a lot and their story is cute and held my attention.
4 stars because I would have liked a little more history or interaction between the MCs and their friends and family, especially with an ass-hat Rodney!!!.
When I read the description of the book I knew I had to read it.
I liked Everett and Jesse a lot and their story is cute and held my attention.
4 stars because I would have liked a little more history or interaction between the MCs and their friends and family, especially with an ass-hat Rodney!!!.
July 2, 2012
I really liked this, loved the plot and the idea. I did get annoyed at how Jesse said Everett's name almost every time he spoke and thought there was too much Gabbi. Still, a sweet read and I liked the ending.
September 25, 2012
3.5 stars
June 11, 2013
Another winner from Heidi Champa. She never fails to deliver a well-written, riveting love story with characters that capture your heart and make you root for them to have their HEA.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews