When Kids Say They're Trans: A Guide for Thoughtful Parents

by Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano, Stella O'Malley

'Brilliant, compassionate, and wise beyond measure, therapists Marchiano, Ayad, and O'Malley provided a haven of understanding and calm support for me after my child announced a trans identity. Their insights helped me regain my parental footing and helped our family stay connected through a very challenging time. What a gift to have their insight and expertise available!' - Kate Parker, parent and library director Being the parent of a gender-questioning child is confusing. There is a lot of advice out there, but much of it goes against what many parents feel instinctively is the right approach. And the stakes are very high if you get it wrong. There have been many books written for parents who are facilitating a child's gender transition, but almost none for parents who decide that social or medical transition is not the best option for their child. Written by three professionals working in the field – Sasha Ayad, Lisa Marchiano and Stella O'Malley – Is My Child Trans? is explicitly a resource for parents who want their children to flourish, but do not believe that hasty medicalisation is the best way to ensure long-term health and well-being. Parents who have successfully helped their children navigate gender distress without resorting to surgery and hormones have done so by actively taking the reins, not waiting until they found the right therapist or doctor. Is My Child Trans? will tell you all you need to know, and will give you the confidence to trust your own instincts.

Genres: Gender, Nonfiction, Parenting, Psychology, LGBT, Transgender, Self Help

419 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 7, 2023

Reviews

[Kevvie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is advocating for conversion therapy for transgender children, something that is proven to lead to more children’s depression and suicide. This book’s existence is dangerous because it could give parents advice that will lead them to irreparably traumatize their kids. If you are the parent of a child who is questioning their gender, this book is not the right resource for you.

[Rosie Chalk · Rating 1 out of 5]

@ parents, scroll down for actual good advice


For the love of god don’t buy or read this hateful book. Listen to your child and their suffering, a child supported to explore their name and clothes will make a more informed choice about their gender than a child bullied in to ignoring their own suffering. This will just cause them to resent you further down the line. This book sounds like conversion therapy encouraging parents to “take the reins” to do what they think is best for their child instead of listening to what is actually best for their child.

Emitting fear- mongering rhetoric about transitioning is not helpful or evidence based. Having a trans child or being a psychologist doesn’t make you an expert on the matter. Speak to actual trans people about transitioning.

Conversion therapy is cruel and doesn’t work and never has done because you can’t fight against your own identity.

I had the unfortunate experience of reading a few extracts, one abhorrent extract showing an example script discussing a child not wanting to be called their previous name any longer because it’s causing them severe distress and all the parent can say basically is sorry but no. That says it all to me really. Also plenty of cisgender people are unhappy with their names and change them or go by their last and middle name??

I’m cisgender and I can’t stand my first name at all I don’t identify with it it doesn’t feel like me and I feel distressed being called that so I go by a shortened version of it. Respecting someone’s way to be addressed is just basic manners.


A better resource would be The Transgender Issue by Shone Faye, highly recommended. There is an interview in there with a family of a trans child which I think other parents of trans children will find really helpful.


More help here:

https://www.pinkmantaray.com/resource...

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/think-yo...

[Emily Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm glad there is a book like this available for parents who know our children best and want to trust our instincts in dealing with these sensitive issues, but are fearful of going against the current culture. It is always good, and healthy, to make yourself completely aware of all possible alternatives. Thank you, and I'm sorry to see the book is being review-bombed.

[Tri · Rating 1 out of 5]

Woof. This is a long book, so this review is going to be long too. If you want the TLDR; this book is massively self-referential and relies too heavily on the concept ROGD (rapid-onset gender dysphoria)- a concept that has no medical or scientific recognition and is widely criticized by professional and academic institutions for its methodology. This book also encourages parents to isolate their children, cut off any trans friends, and deny trans identities even well into adulthood and regardless of if they feel at peace and live fulfilling lives.

—-

Coming into this book I had anticipated it to be more of a parental guide focusing on advice on tackling some of the larger troubles with teenage angst with a lens on gender. However, right off the bat it informs the reader that transitioning is in no way a possibility, and is really only to affirm parents who’ve either made up their minds to rejecting transition or to scare already worried parents using false comparisons and disturbing language.

Despite the book stating it’s organization’s support for and by trans people (more on that later), it never actually offers any way for a parent to establish a measure or guide to help navigate with their child if transitioning in the future (even as an adult) is a possibility. It instead focuses its language it admonish all aspects of transitioning, drawing comparisons to diseases, addictions, and even dementia.

“…you will have your pick.” The book states when mentioning where a parent can seek help for information on gender or transitioning. “If, however, you would like to slow down a child’s rush to engage in life-altering medical procedures…you may find professional help in short supply.”

It paints a harsh picture: Parents who affirm are “rushing”, the decisions are “reckless”, that allowing transition is allowing teens to “control” their parents. That parents of adults who are trans can only go only hope and cope with the grief. That transition is destruction, and the parents are victims to witness this tragedy.

While the book offers some words of comfort who may be feeling a variety of emotions, it doesn’t help to fuel the fire of fear, confusion, and anger when it’s opening outright says that the desire to transition is a slippery slope that only ever leads to failed medical operations,xxx addiction, and misery.

While I can appreciate what the book suggests in allowing gender exploration and familial bonding (minus the part where they said painting one’s nails is an “accoutrements of adult dress.”…huh??), what measures to be taken to make a teen ‘desist’ can be wildly extreme.

From suggestions in parent’s stories- “We were “unavailable” for get-togethers with the “trans” friend/s.” and “We decided to leave the liberal echo chamber, and our daughter’s social circle, by renting our home, quitting our jobs and moving abroad, where our girls would go to another school in another country.” and “We let her know we would not support her doing anything that could cause permanent damage to her body until she was financially independent, living on her own and twenty-five years old.”…

Parents reading these stories and suggestions are encouraged to isolate their teens and even adults(!!!) from even having trans people in their social circles. That the appropriate reaction to hearing ‘Mom, Dad, I’m trans’ is to pack up and move countries. This isn’t a one-time mention in a testimony either- These are ideas brought up multiple times throughout. While changes in scenery and routine can help teenagers and young adults out of a funk, to say these will aid in ushering desistance is wildly misguided and can lead to way more frustration for a parent when their child may still be trans.

Now, we need to look at Genspect. This is an organization frequently referenced in the book and is mentioned briefly that the authors are the founders. While Genspect is mentioned as being an organization for having criticisms of medicalization of trans teens with both trans and non-trans people alike behind the cause, Genspect has contested against social and medical transition at any age, drag queens, and health insurances covering trans medical care.

It’s also important to note that while the authors are transparent that they are founders of Genspect, multiple organizations mentioned as being reliable sources for information and research turned out to also be either founded or boarded by the authors, with NO MENTION IN THE BOOK THAT THE AUTHORS ARE A PART OF THEM.

This includes but is not limited to; Society For Evidence-Based Gender Medicine (SEGM), Gender Exploratory Therapy Association (GETA), Clinical Advisory Network on Sex and Gender, The Institute for Comprehensive Gender Dysphoria Research (ICGDR), Thoughtful Therapists Wider Lens Consulting, The Gender Dysphoria Support Network (GDSN)…I’m honestly probably missing a few. Some orgs mentioned in the book also don’t have a boards or founders page, so I can’t verify who made them or aid with leadership in them. It makes it harder to put a face to the name, and makes it even harder to believe how authentic some of these are, at least in terms of credibility. Some voices mentioned are also a part of one or a few of these orgs (genspect specifically), such as Lisa Littman, who’s the “clinical advisor” at Genspect and who’s concept of ROGD is repeatedly cited.

It’s important to know that none of these orgs mentioned are recognized by any professional scientific or medical board, despite the book toting them as such. Tooting your own horn much?

I could say a lot more…about the gross implications that all trans people are a social contagion, the beat-for-beat rationalizations once used against gay men and lesbians for their lives, the double standards of methodology, the shocking (or not that shocking) lack of writing on intersex people and the offensive terms used to refer them, etc etc.

Booo 👎🏼 I’ll be reading through the other literature in their reference section for further review (if I hadn’t dropped a review already), though some of this stuff is self-published amazon books and not at a library, so we’ll see. Don’t bother reading this unless you’re into giving yourself grey hairs early.

My favorite part was playing a drinking game on how many organizations had the authors featured on the “about” page ahaha.

[max theodore · Rating 1 out of 5]

what a sly little rhetorical trick the title of this book performs. a guide for thoughtful parents--why, that almost makes it sound like the authors of this book want to help confused but well-meaning parents figure out how to support their trans children!

not so. the first chapter of this book declares that "it is highly questionable that a person needs lifelong medication to be their true self." my cisgender brother who is on antidepressants would like to speak to you. the second chapter puts forth the concepts of social contagion and "rapid-onset gender dysphoria" as truths, as if those haven't been debunked (and debunked) (and debunked) (and debunked) (and--do i need to keep going here?). there's a whole appendix about possible "coexisting conditions" that might trick kids into thinking they're trans--like autism and ADHD, because kids with autism and ADHD often feel lonely and might get swindled into transness by the promise of community (this is a line of rhetoric that hasn't been used against us before!), or OCD, because kids with OCD tend to ruminate (true) and might start wondering if they're trans (sure) and then ruminate their way into believing (?) that it's absolutely true and must be so and they need hormones right now (???) (not how ruminating works) (not how OCD works) (have you ever spoken to a person with OCD).

throughout the entire book, case study kids' preferred names are put in dubious quotes "like this," as if to indicate that those names are not their "real" "names." the fourth chapter is for real titled "parenting alternatives to affirmation." you know, for those parents who are worried they might be validating and respecting their child's autonomy and feelings a little too much. do you know what i would have done, age 14, had my parents found alternatives to affirming my transness? truthfully and literally killed myself. which is a course of action i am not recommending to the authors of this book because i don't want to get my account banned 😌

for parents who actually want to support their trans (or questioning) kids, these articles are really good starts! i also recommend this andrea long chu article on the ethics of children transitioning; it might sound pretty radical, but it should at least provoke some thought about the current political situation. for parents who don't want to support their trans kids, idk go back to watching jordan peterson and resign yourself to the fact that your kids will not talk to you after they turn 18 lmfao

[Geoff · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nothing you can do will ever stop your children from being who they are. Transgender people have existed forever, they are not a fad, they are not prey to anyone trying to convert them to an alternative lifestyle. Stop trying to control every single thing they think, and you are disgusting for being obsessed with their genitals and I assure you, even heavily dysphoric transgender people care less about their genitals than you do. You are in denial if you think your child is an agentless doll for you to play with. They are a human being with feelings. Not only is it idiotic to be obsessed with the surgical aspect-- when by the way, hormone therapy and surgical transition are only offered to people over the age of 18 unless they have heavy parental support--something you would clearly never bother to give to your child since you're reading this book. Leave them alone and say the pronouns they want to say. You will never, ever change reality, and you need to learn it isn't defined by biology, even from birth. They will become who they are one way or the other, the only thing you are changing is whether or not they can openly love and trust you, or whether they have to hurt their soul and pretend in order to make you happy. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I am not going to see any comments on this review, so save your breath. I hope all of your transgender children and adults have happy, free lives in their truth. I hope they feel amazing in their post-transition bodies, and I pray that you will let them be happy.

[Lisa J Shultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a solid and sound guide for parents of young kids who say they are trans. Parents need all the tips provided. I particularly liked the suggestions for what to ask during the surgical consultation before a daughter's mastectomy. Another valuable section is self-care for parents. A few quotes in the self-care chapter that stood out to me:
"The plight of parents of trans identifying young people is uniquely difficult...none are quite like the upside down experience of seeing your beloved child deny her bodily reality and seek harmful and unnecessary medical procedures while the world around you cheers her on and condemns you for being a bigot. For many, this harrowing experience can be the most difficult challenge you have ever faced. And yet sympathy from one's family, friends and community may be in short supply." "Parents are often in the doubly difficult position of facing the worst pain of their lives, while having their feelings and experiences invalidated. While we are dealing with devastating loss, we may be told we should be happy or proud while going through the agony of grief."
The appendix of terminology is also helpful. I recommend this book to any parent who finds themselves in the worst nightmare of their lives, losing a child to trans ideology and trans medicalization. Read it and share it to help other parents. 
(I listened to the audio version, and the narration was excellent.)

[Allison Sylviadotter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Going against the crazy current culture of telling kids they were born "wrong" and need pharma and surgery to become "their true selves" is hard. Parents are called bigots for disagreeing with the whims of a child, and "abusive" when they don't want their children to permanently destroy their bodies.

[Kristina · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is awful and it’s message will cause harm and possible death

In reality, Trans women are women, trans girls are girls, trans men are men, trans boys are boys, non binary people are who they tell you they are. (Thx Si)

This book will…
“will give you the confidence to trust your own instincts”. No, my translation of this is, “will shove just enough neutral learning toward harmful sounding research at you to make you believe it is okay to tell your kids they are not really trans”. This book is especially dangerous because it does not touch religion. If it did, it would be obvious they were telling something like being trans is not acceptable. It is written to let parents know if they feel their kids are not trans, it is their job as parents to help their kids see they are not trans. This action is harmful and is known to cause DEATH.

[Monica Phillips · Rating 1 out of 5]

In short, this book is extremely dismissive of many people's very real experiences. It leads the reader to believe that all children who come out as trans are victims of social contagion. It is much more complex than that. If I had followed all the advice in this book, I'm 100% sure I would not have a relationship with my adult child and probably any of my other kids, for that matter. The book is sprinkled with good advice here and there, but please don't take this as gospel. The trans experience is sorely misrepresented.

[Kent · Rating 5 out of 5]

A veritable fount of knowledge

I highly recommend this book for all parents. Whether your child is exhibiting signs of gender questioning or not simply because you never know what may happen at each phase of development. When this ideology first started presenting in children initially, most of us were flying blind when navigating this new territory. Now we have so many resources available and this book contains a lot plus links to many more.

[Rachel Mahon-Castles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. These authors have a healthy and appropriate response to exploring gender distress. Highly recommended reading for any parent navigating the Wild West of the current transgender trend.

[Lisa Price · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me reair my relationship with my child and gave me healthy ways to deal with my concerns.

[Christin Nord · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book highly enough. The authors clearly have a wealth of clinical experience and knowledge and write sensitively and empathically about gender questioning children and their families. "When Kids Say They're Trans" is easy to read and contains a helpful glossary and list of resources. The whole approach of the book is one of openness, warmth, compassion and acceptance. While the authors cite existing evidence and provide suggestions about how to manage certain situations, they are also honest when evidence is scarce and willing to acknowledge that their suggestions may not help in all cases. I learned a great deal from this book and I am sure that parents, teachers, therapists, grandparents and others struggling to make sense of what's happening to many children currently, would find the book extremely helpful and reassuring. It provides practical advice and helpful information on child development, gender identity theory and the many mental health conditions that may contribute to gender dysphoria. The final chapter is titled 'It's not really about gender' and explores the need we all have to belong and, in adolescence, to differentiate yourself from your parents. It also talks about how to love your child while feeling angry both with them and what is happening to them. I found it very moving. It encapsulates the caring way in which these authors have approached this guide for parents. I applaud them for writing it as they will inevitably receive fierce criticism from some quarters and accusations of transphobia and bigotry. Please ignore those criticisms and the one star reviews here which come from a place of perceived threat, vulnerability and anger. Those reviews do not accurately represent the content of this book or the kindness, compassion and obvious clinical skills and experience of its authors. Don't hesitate to purchase a copy. You won't regret it.

[Joe Mitchell · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a lot of information out there and it can be confusing. Let me tell you if you're not sure where to start this book is it. I've read probably about 10 books now and counting not including substacks and listening to podcasts. Even if you've already read other books you need to have this one. I downloaded it as an audiobook and then bought the physical copy to use as reference when needed. Buy extra copies so that you can give to friends family or even doctors, therapists, teachers and school counselors, who may not have been properly informed on what's going on with our kids these days. This book is very thorough and well done. I cannot recommend it enough.

[Jacqueline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow talk about polarjzation. This book is a five or a one depending on I guess the po!it I've you read it with. Or o whether you are just seeking g to u versa d the debate OR have an entrenched position. I found it a good addition to my research on the issues involved.

[Bonnie Mancini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sensible.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not an easy read, feels academic, but full of great information. The authors offer valuable insights on alternatives to the current trend of the affirmation approach to gender dysphoria.

[Alex · Rating 1 out of 5]

If I could give this 0 stars -- preferably a negative rating -- I would.
Southern Poverty Law Center lists Lisa Marchiano as playing a key role in the development of contemporary anti-LGBTQ+ pseudoscience, citing her 2017 Jungian paper which has since been used to support anti-trans rhetoric and hate groups.

Marchiano actively tries to harm transgender individuals. I'm not even going to mention O'Malley's track record of harmful anti-trans hate speech because it would triple the length of this review. In short, this book is nothing more than a veiled sermon preaching conversion therapy and detransition.

For a more detailed review of Marchiano's harmful practices, please read this recent article by Dr. Julia Serano, an actual trans person with a PhD in biochemistry and molecular biophysics from Columbia (compared to Marchiano's degree from Columbia in International Affairs) who has written several books on the trans experience over the past 15 years.

There are plenty of good, research-based books out there about raising a trans child (some of the other reviews mention them). This is not one of them!
When your kid says they are trans, here's what you do:
1. Believe them and support them, unconditionally!
2. Don't read this book.
3. Read books written by trans authors writing about being trans, or written by parents with trans children.
BAM! DONE! Congratulations on being a fantastic parent, and thank you for reading my review and not this book.

[Bridget · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book questioning the "affirmation model" which has become prevalent among many medical and counselling personnel. The "affirmation model" suggests that kids (pre-puberty onwards) should be affirmed, without questioning, when they say they want to transition to the opposite sex.
Taking hormones and having plastic surgery to change one's outward appearance involves risks (as does all medication and surgery) and has long-term consquences, many of which are irreversible.
We change throughout our lives, and coming to terms with our sexuality is a key task of teenage years.
This book offers practical advice to parents who would like to guide young people with gender dysphoria (i.e. a conflict between one's biological sex and the gender with which one identifies). Social transitioning, hormones and surgery are not the only way to respond to gender dysphoria - there are many other options to consider first.
Our brains are not fully developed until about the age of 25 and encouraging a young person to allow time to fully consider their options and also to adapt to the changes that occur to their minds and bodies during their teenage years seems like a sensible approach.

[Caroline Rowan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very compassionate and respectful book for parents. This book takes a calm and measured approach to dealing with teens and children who are exploring gender identity issues. The authors address the challenges parents face, including dealing with teachers, healthcare professionals, and well-meaning family members, how to support other siblings, concerns about whether parents are to blame for their children's behaviour, the impact of a trans-identifying child on marriage and parent-parent relationship, and much more.
It's also very helpful for those who are not parents to understand the challenges facing parents in this situation.
A book which encourages empathy and understanding.
#RecommendedRead

[Namila Ryerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Right, I'm throwing down on this one. I'm tired of seeing our children either abused or taken for granted by the system. Kids don't know what they want. Not in terms of what they want for the rest of their lives. Y'all on the left want to tell us that when a kid says they're trans, we have to take them at their word? Come on, get serious. Kids need their parents to help them understand themselves and to protect them from harm. Like people who want to profit by mutilating their bodies.

They want to come out and review bomb books like this. I'm not going to take it. Y'all need to get it in your heads that we aren't going to lie back and take it. We're fighting back now.

[Valerie Novak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like every book that dares go against the cult of trans-activism, this book is going to be slammed by those who wish to tear it down for their own hateful reasons. Like "Time to Think", this is a much needed book to balance out the grip that the TRA activists have over civil society. We only need look at what has happened to Roisin Murphy very recently to see the damage that these activists are looking to inflict on anyone who doesn't sing from their hymn sheet. Please support this book any way you can. We need more of this sort of thing to be out there.

[Meg Metzler · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a life saver of a book for parents out there who are so thrown off balance and confused about their child's proclamation that they are trans. It is packed with information, resources and advice about how to navigate this difficult path while respecting your child's feelings and psychological health. If I'm honest, I listened to the podcast first, "Gender: A Wider Lense", and I liked that even better. It was the first thing I heard in my journey with this that felt like someone had thrown me a life preserver.

[Patricia · Rating 1 out of 5]

A book advocating 'exploratory' therapy for trans kids, written by an author who privately admits it has a weak evidence base.

"I think we need to be careful in declaring we’re the ‘evidence-based side,’ as most parents seek psychotherapy for their gender distressed kids and psychotherapy doesn’t have a strong evidence base." - Stella O'Malley https://www.dailydot.com/debug/genspect/

[Daniel DesRosiers · Rating 1 out of 5]

The sections of this book that I have read offer harmful advice that goes against the prevailing medical and psychological professions’ guidance on the topic. This book advocates for harmful delays in care or treatment, and even advocates for conversion therapy; a practice that the UN has called for a ban on with their expert on sexual orientation and gender identity comparing it to torture

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoughtful and compassionate book. The authors clearly have a lot of experience working with gender dysphoric kids and know their stuff. They use a lot of good data to back up their approach to gender dysphoria, and I appreciate this evidence-based take. Well worth the read if a child (or even adult!) in your life is struggling with gender dysphoria.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so grateful for these women who are speaking out in a time when it is not "woke" to do that. I am so concerned for our youth and young adults. There are false prophets out there on the internet, and in our schools.

[Samantha Reins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Moer books like this, please. Educating our children on the dangers of extreme activism is paramount.

[Sasha Cohen · Rating 5 out of 5]

God bless the authors of this book.