Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back

by Kelly Farley

Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back is a collection of candid stories from grieving dads that were interviewed over a two year period. The book offers insight from fellow members of, in the haunting words of one dad, "this terrible, terrible club," which consists of men who have experienced the death of a child. This book is a collection of survival stories by men who have survived the worst possible loss and lived to tell the tale. They are real stories that pull no punches and are told with brutal honesty. Men that have shared their deepest and darkest moments. Moments that included thoughts of suicide, self-medication and homelessness. Some of these men have found their way back from the brink while others are still standing there, stuck in their pain. The core message of Grieving Dads is "you're not alone." It is a message that desperately needs to be delivered to grieving dads who often grieve in silence due to society's expectations. Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back is a book that no grieving dad or anyone who cares for him should be without. As any grieving parent will tell you, there are no words to describe the hell one experiences after the death of a child. Many men have no clue how to deal with or understand the myriad emotional, mental, and physical responses experienced after the death of a child. Stories appearing in the book have been carefully selected to represent a cross-section of fathers, as well as a diverse portrayal of loss. This approach helps reflect the full spectrum of grief, from the early days of shock and trauma to the long view after living with loss for many years. Any bereaved father will find brotherhood in these pages, and will feel that someone understands them. While there is plenty of raw emotion in this book-the stories are not exercises in self-pity nor are they studies in grief. They are survival stories instead. Some are testimonies to hope. Some are gut-wrenching accounts of overwhelming despair. But all of them are real-life stories from real-life grieving dads, and they show that even if one reaches his physical and emotional bottom, it is possible (although not easy) to live through that pain and find one's way to the other side of grief. Most dads in this book found themselves in a state of physical, mental, and emotional collapse after the death of their child. As if the losses alone weren't enough to drive these men to the brink, most try to deal with their grief according to the conventional wisdom so many men are brought up with, which perversely, increases their suffering all the more. We all know the party line about how men are "supposed" to deal with loss or even disappointment: toughen up, get back to work, take it like a man, support your wife, don't talk about your emotions, don't lose control, and if you must cry-by all means do so in private.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction

123 pages, Paperback

First published June 8, 2012

Reviews

[Brett Folkman · Rating 3 out of 5]

My sweet 23 year old daughter Brooke was called home in May. Everyone has their own grief journey, a journey that won't be complete until we are reunited with our loved ones after this mortal wandering. I found the first half of this book and the stories very depressing to be honest. Losing a child is horrible, it can't be put into words, some cope better than others. I didn't find it comforting to read of others who had a much much harder time. The second half of the book was better, some light at the end of the tunnel. I would have appreciated more stories around those who have successfully navigated the journey without "going to the brink". I personally feel, it's not necessary to go to the brink before you can make progress forward. But I'd never judge anyone for going to the brink over and over again, we all process grief and loss differently, there isn't a formula for successful grieving, as it's unique to each person. I've written a number of things during my grief process and have found that therapeutic in my personal grief journey. One sample below. For anyone reading this review, it likely means you're in deep anguish and pain, I pray God and His Son Jesus Christ will envelop you in the arms of their love and help you through!! I can also say with absolute certainty from actual experience, our departed loved ones are gone forever, their spirits live on and do watch over us and even at times come to us in dreams and when we are awake and we can feel their love and concern. God Bless.

Sitting with Grief 7/17/18
Long late night flight, time to think and grieve, time slows and I feel all alone, isolated in my pain, tears silently emerge, coursing down my crimson cheeks, no bother, let the sorrow drain from my soul, just sit with your grief, embrace it, that’s what they say, but how do you just sit when your heart has been ripped wide open, how do you just sit with your grief when hot searing shafts of pain relentlessly stab at what’s left of your heart, how do you just sit when grief feels like a consuming fire burning you to ashes, how do you just sit with grief when you ache so deep to just hold your daughter again, to feel her warmth, to feel the pulsing of her perfect beating heart, to have her warm sweet breath gently caress your neck as you hold her tight, as you whisper, I love you sweet Brooke, daddy loves his little angel, to feel the depth and grandeur of her spirit emanating from her flesh, she feels so safe in my arms, she whispers back, I love you daddy, she doesn’t pull away, I rock gently back and forth with her in my embrace, just feeling the love engulf my sweet Brooke and I, this was my daily ritual with my Brooke, our long hugs, I’d whisper sweet things into her ear, she’d reciprocate, I’d whisper of God’s love, of Christ’s love, she’d say, I know daddy, thank you daddy for this and that, mostly trivial things of the day, a new toy for Indie, gas for her car, dinner for she and Guich, Brooke was so grateful for everything, when we’d hug, she’d always apologize for the smallest of things that she thought might annoy me, sorry daddy, I’d laugh and say no worries my angel, I’m not annoyed at all, Brooke is so tender hearted, she never wanted to hurt Sandy or I, especially Sandy, it always pained her to see her mommy suffer, Brooke’s empathy for suffering was so deep, because she suffered so deeply, but she’s suffering no more, Christ’s perfect atonement Brooke new intimately, she relied on her Savior to carry her in this life, Christ literally carried her through unwanted mental health challenges, horrific abuse, significant injustice, numbing addiction, her mortal journey took her through the valley of death and beyond many times, but she never lost sight of her redeemer, and now, she’s redeemed, now I need to learn from my angel Brooke, I need to look to my Savior to carry me through my grief and pain, she blazed the path, she showed me the way to rely on Christ to carry me through this mortal journey, a blink of an eye in eternity, I feel my Brooke guiding and comforting me now, my tears now dry, sweet memories of Brooke fill my soul, I reach towards my Savior and he encircles me about in the arms of his love, I surrender my grief and pain to him, I can’t comprehend it, but he compassionately sooths my aching soul, he brings solace to my broken heart, I know him, he’s no stranger, I welcome his healing embrace, he whispers into my ear, I love you, I feel my pain slip silently away, I feel him rocking me back and forth, I feel so safe in his embrace, I thank my Savior for his atoning sacrifice, for redeeming me from sin, for releasing my Brooke from her mortal suffering and pain, for knowing that his eternal sacrifice made possible that I’ll be with my Brooke again, for revealing her mortal journey was complete, tears silently run free, coursing down my crimson face, no longer alone, my Savior comforts me, the sorrow now drained from my soul, the new tears fill my soul with the peace that passeth all understanding, Christ’s perfect grace, peace and joy consume me, gratitude overflows it’s bounds, gratitude for my sweet angel wife, Sandy, gratitude for being sealed to her for time and all eternity in God’s holy temple, for being blessed with four lovely, amazing, talented daughters, for my new sons and grandson, for a sure knowledge that this mortal life is just a dot in our eternal existence, I know my Brooke lives on, I feel her spirit comforting me, I’m humbled, I’m in awe, I will forever praise my Heavenly Father and Mother and their perfect Son, Jesus Christ – I long to keep this feeling!! Yet I know that’s not how mortality works, so I’ll treasure this sweet experience and remember it often, they say to just sit with your grief, to embrace it, and you know what, they’re right, for that’s when God can work a miracle in your soul! So the grief cycle continues, pain, suffering, comfort, healing, joy, repeat – a microcosm of mortality.

[Jonny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest and direct about something that is difficult to talk about. Was great to hear what “normal” is for others going through this journey. Amazing resource.

[Steven · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very helpful book, aimed at letting grieving dads know that it really is OK to publicly grieve the loss of a child. This book also helps dispell the myth that there is a short time to grieve, and then we must move on. I got a lot out of this book, and highly recommend this book to anyone that has lost a child.

[AJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very deep and moving book. I would recommend it to any man who has suffered the loss of a child or anyone who cares about such a man. Be warned though, it is a very challenging book emotionally. It may be just under 125 pages, but you probably should not try reading it at one sitting. Give yourself time to digest what you will learn, one chapter at a time.

[R.J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rating this 5 stars because there are too few books for dads who've lost a child, and this one is very well written. There is a lot of commentary about what it feels like to be a grieving dad (or parent) and as a wife, I related to a lot of what each of these dads said. I was able to recognize my husband's struggle with grief. We went through this book together and I'm glad we did; it opened up conversation topics for us and gave me (the wife) a different perspective and way of helping my husband where other books geared towards women were completely useless.

Cautions: There are a lot of stories, not terribly graphic, but I couldn't read them and neither could my husband. Our story is still too fresh. There is also some cursing, but honestly, I think that made the book more relatable because when you're in this situation, sometimes the only words that encapsulate the right feelings are curse words.

I recommend this book especially to anyone who may know a grieving dad, because as someone on the outside, you might not know how to help someone in this situation. These dads shared both their frustrations and comforts from how those around them responded to them, and most of the time, what you think will "help" might actually hurt very deeply.

[Troy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a hard book to read as my 23 year old son, Hunter, passed away on 12 August 2017. Aside from my reluctance to read it, I'm glad I did. Not only did it validate some things I thought (people not knowing what to say to me), this book also provided me with some additional coping skills that may help.

The fact that this book is written by a father who lost two children and all of the stories within it are also from fathers who have lost children makes this a rare find. There are very few resources out there for grieving fathers, but this helps close the gap a little. The only thing I wanted to see more of were stories of fathers whose children were older and died from an accident - ones that were most like what I have been facing the last seven weeks. Aside from that, this was well worth the read.

While this book is geared toward grieving dads, I feel that the advice and some of the coping skills could also benefit moms as well. Well written, honest, and emotionally hard to read at times, but I'm thankful I had the opportunity to read this.

[Josh Allen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I appreciate the sentiment of the book. The reason for my 2 star review was perhaps because it was not what I anticipated. It wasn’t very deep and it wasn’t written from a Christian worldview, which is a necessary part of real healing. I think if anything this book has taught me, it’s that different men grieve in different ways. A prominent theme of advice seemed to be, “do what you need to do” in order to grieve. I strongly disagree. I agree with the author that being a part of a support group is helpful. I may be wrong, but I feel that the author took other people’s stories and told them in a way that he heard them. It may have been better to have other fathers write and memoir their accounts of their lives and experiences with their children’s deaths. I’m happy to hear that this book was helpful to some people, but in all honesty, I would not recommend spending the time to read this.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this after my husband finished it, shortly after we lost our 18-year-old to fentanyl poisoning. It is important for dads to have their own community and to share their unique grieving process, which the book offers, and I agree is different from moms. My husband (not a reader/not on Goodreads) thought it was a good book, and thought I would benefit from getting the dads’ perspective, which I did by reading it. I am glad I read it but do think dads will benefit more from it than moms.

The one image I keep quoting from this book is that grieving spouses are similar to being stranded on two isolated islands near each other, and they can wave to each other across the ocean, but they can’t get to each other to be there for each other in their grief. That is our journey at this 3 month point since our lives turned upside down forever.

[Alexis · Rating 4 out of 5]

The collection of stories from grieving dads was hard to relate to at first. I was looking for something I would be able to connect directly with. What this collection does is show you that your situation is unique and not at the same time. We all have our own stories. The emotions may be different, and how we deal with grief is different, but there is a fundamental aspect highlighted in this book that helps you understand that you are not alone in your thoughts and your feelings.

Overall, it's a must read to the end to see the light at the end of the tunnel and the totality of the message the author brought together to convey.

[Mallory Plotz · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband received this book from the SUDC Foundation and since I had already read the one I was given, so I decided to read it. It helped me understand a little more from my husband's perspective of a grieving dad and how society will be more likely to ignore a man's grief completely. It also helped me gain a better picture of the different ways couples will grieve and how to better support one anothers process. My husband chose not to read it... he was overwhelmed by the details of the other losses and felt like it wasn't helpful to him.

[William A Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great place to start

This really helped me start dealing with the death of my three month old granddaughter. I'm not happy, but I realize I'm not alone and believe it or not, it could be worse. Straight forward stories, insight, ideas, and support, very helpful.

[Don P. Lamb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book spoke to me about what I am experiencing.

All grieving dads need to read this. It helps to given you so many views of what you are going through

[Bill Williams]

Sigh. So what I feel is normal? It sucks