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Desescalar: Cómo calmar a una persona furiosa en menos de 90 segundos
Una guía basada en la empatía y la comunicación no violenta para apaciguar una pelea en casa, con los hijos, en la escuela, en el trabajo... o incluso una situación de violencia física. Vivimos en un mundo cada vez más dividido y no es extraordinario encontrarse con personas agresivas y confrontaciones difíciles. Afortunadamente, existen herramientas para convertirnos en pacificadores y transformar situaciones conflictivas en diálogos serenos y sin violencia. Basado en los últimos hallazgos en neurociencia, Desescalar ofrece un sencillo método con ejercicios prácticos y ejemplos de situaciones reales para disipar conflictos y cultivar relaciones más sanas. Douglas E. Noll es abogado, mediador y experto en resolución de conflictos en lugares tan diversos como prisiones de máxima seguridad o el Congreso estadounidense. Fue elegido Mejor Abogado de Estados Unidos en 2014 (Best Lawyers in America) y nombrado Mediador del Año en 2018 (The National Academy of Distinguished Neutrals). La crítica ha dicho... «Enorme contribución a la literatura sobre resolución de conflictos y pacificación». Ron Claassen, experto en arbitraje «Uno de los principales expertos en resolución de conflictos y mediación». Don Philbin, mediador profesional «Tanto si te enfrentas a un niño enrabietado como a una discusión política con un adulto, este libro te servirá para mantenerte al mando». Laurel Kaufer, cofundadora de Prison of Peace
288 pages, Paperback
Published June 12, 2023
157 people are currently reading
855 people want to read
About the author
Douglas E. Noll
4 books9 followersDouglas E. Noll, JD, MA left a successful career as a trial lawyer to become a peacemaker. His calling is to serve humanity, and he executes his calling at many levels. He is an award-winning author, teacher, and trainer. He is a highly experienced mediator. Doug’s work carries him from international work to helping people resolve deeply intractable interpersonal and ideological conflicts.
With Laurel Kaufer, Doug founded Prison of Peace in 2009. The Prison of Peace project has been the most profound peace training Doug has conducted thus far in his career. He has been deeply moved by inmates who have learned and applied deep, empathic listening skills, leadership skills, and problem-solving skills to reduce violence in their prison communities. Their dedication to learning, improving, and serving their communities motivates him to expand the principles of Prison of Peace as much as possible so that every human wanting to learn the skills of peace may do so.
Doug's honors include recognition as a Purpose Prize Fellow, a California Lawyer Magazine Attorney of the Year, and a Best Lawyers in America Lawyer of the Year.
Doug is an accomplished alpine skier, whitewater rafter, fly fisherman, jazz violinist, and pilot (airplanes and helicopters). With his wife Aleya, he makes his home in the foothills of the central Sierra Nevada, halfway between Yosemite and Kings Canyon National Parks.
With Laurel Kaufer, Doug founded Prison of Peace in 2009. The Prison of Peace project has been the most profound peace training Doug has conducted thus far in his career. He has been deeply moved by inmates who have learned and applied deep, empathic listening skills, leadership skills, and problem-solving skills to reduce violence in their prison communities. Their dedication to learning, improving, and serving their communities motivates him to expand the principles of Prison of Peace as much as possible so that every human wanting to learn the skills of peace may do so.
Doug's honors include recognition as a Purpose Prize Fellow, a California Lawyer Magazine Attorney of the Year, and a Best Lawyers in America Lawyer of the Year.
Doug is an accomplished alpine skier, whitewater rafter, fly fisherman, jazz violinist, and pilot (airplanes and helicopters). With his wife Aleya, he makes his home in the foothills of the central Sierra Nevada, halfway between Yosemite and Kings Canyon National Parks.
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June 26, 2017
DE-ESCALATE: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less
Written by Douglas E. Noll
I have always tried to keep a safe distance from angry people. There is something about being around an angry, volatile person that has always automatically made me very uncomfortable. Throughout my entire adult life I have tried to avoid angry, volatile people. Reading DE-ESCALATE seemed to be a perfect fit for me because I wanted to learn the skills that the sub-title claims. The sub-title states that within this book lies the ability to calm a person in 90 seconds or less. I read this book twice because what the author is promising seemed valuable skills that when applied seemed to make sense.
In life it has been unavoidable not to encounter anger since it is a real emotion. Douglas E. Noll, the author, is a lawyer but describes himself as peace-maker. He has had a lot of experience as a mediator between his job as a lawyer and a consultant. Since 2010 the author along with a colleague has given workshops and starts the beginning of the book with a letter from a female incarcerated in Valley State Prison asking him to please come to the prison and teach her and a group of willing incarcerated participants his methods on diffusing volatile situations. The female's name is Susan and Susan states in her letter to Douglas E. Noll's colleague that the group once taught the skills will form their own groups and pass on the skills and methods to the general population. The author instantly agrees.
This book explains the skills the author teaches with his colleague Laurel Kaufer to a pilot group of 15 women serving life or long sentences. This group of women consisted of a representation from every walk of life, ethnicity, educational level and socioeconomic background. They were tough, shut down, angry and deeply wounded women. These women's goals were wanting to end fighting and arguing in their prison community and needed to learn the skills to do it. During the fourth week of training the author claims to have had something powerful going on.
I have to say that by testing these skills on inmates and claiming if the skills are successful with prison inmates that the skills can work for anybody makes me uncomfortable because I don't like to stereotype. I understand that in order teach these methods and skills outlined in this book to anybody, first, you have to be able to calm an angry person down. I was able to learn from examples of using what the author terms affect labeling, from multiple examples of dialogue between an adult and children between the ages of two through eleven that affect labeling works and was a valuable lesson to learn. I remain skeptical how effective affect labeling with older more sophisticated people who are able to see through this method and may feel manipulated and not like it.
Basically, affect labeling is ignoring the words of an angry person and tuning into the emotions behind the words and acknowledging those emotions. By ignoring the words and acknowledging emotions that underlie the words works well with children. By ignoring the words of an angry child gives you the ability to not get pulled in to the vortex and trying to listen for the underlying emotions behind the words is helpful and is sort of common sense. The author explain's this method by giving multiple examples and instructs the person to use statements that begin with "You" and not "I." He claims that people feel more deeply understood when reflecting back by using "You" and not "I," statement's acknowledging the emotions and reflecting them back always leads to deeper communication and the person will always feel listened to and heard.
I will use one of the many samples given in the book as an example of affect labeling:
1. Ignore the words.
2. Guess at and reflect back the emotions.
Since we are interested with de-escalation, we really only have to remember six fundamental affects. In the usual number of presentation, they are: --Anger
--Fear
--Anxiety
--Disgust
--Grief-Shame-Humiliation
--Abandonment/Unloved
Here is an example quoted from the book of basic affect labeling between two friends:
SPEAKER (S): "My husband never listens to me. He just comes home and turns on the television."
LISTENER (L): "YOU are frustrated and feel disrespected."
S: "Yeah! And anytime I ask him how he is feeling, he completely shuts down,"
L: "YOU are frustrated and sad because he will not connect with you."
S: "It can be lonely at times. It's like we are living in two universes."
L: "YOU are lonely and sad and you feel unloved."
S: "Yeah, that's it exactly. Thanks for listening to me."
L: "You're welcome. Anytime."
That is as simple as it looks. The author doesn't offer further information regarding how to solve the situation between the Speaker and the disconnected husband. But does make the point that when the Speaker or the person you are trying to de-escalate responds by saying "Yeah," or drops their shoulders or sighs, that these are verbal and non-verbal signs, that the Speaker feels understood and listened too. That is your goal.
There are many terms that the author uses that you need to memorize. He devotes a whole chapter of useful samples just like the one above only switching the speaker as the reader on how to de-escalate teen-agers. As I said above, the older the person that the reader is trying to use these samples on, the more likely the angry or frustrated or tuned out emotions that you are trying to help your teen articulate and recognize and begin to understand their emotions--they are that much more sophisticated and can easily tell what you are doing, it is likely that they will ask you to stop, because the tendency is to feel manipulated. The author gives you sample dialogue to deal with which become a lot longer sessions of continuing to affect label.
I found some chapter's to be extremely informative with concepts at communicating that I use already, the author might use the correct term, which is easy to remember. There are a lot of things that need to be memorized to even begin to put into practice. There are 217 pages of different skills and methods to put into practice and learn. I will definitely buy a copy when this book is published because it is impossible to remember all of the different key points he uses. What the author suggests makes sense. I found this to be a highly valued resource to return to and am glad that I read it. I am sure there are wise practices that make for a more peaceful way of living.
Thank you to Net Galley, Douglas E. Noll and Atria Publishing for providing me with my digital copy in exchange for a fair and honest review.
Written by Douglas E. Noll
I have always tried to keep a safe distance from angry people. There is something about being around an angry, volatile person that has always automatically made me very uncomfortable. Throughout my entire adult life I have tried to avoid angry, volatile people. Reading DE-ESCALATE seemed to be a perfect fit for me because I wanted to learn the skills that the sub-title claims. The sub-title states that within this book lies the ability to calm a person in 90 seconds or less. I read this book twice because what the author is promising seemed valuable skills that when applied seemed to make sense.
In life it has been unavoidable not to encounter anger since it is a real emotion. Douglas E. Noll, the author, is a lawyer but describes himself as peace-maker. He has had a lot of experience as a mediator between his job as a lawyer and a consultant. Since 2010 the author along with a colleague has given workshops and starts the beginning of the book with a letter from a female incarcerated in Valley State Prison asking him to please come to the prison and teach her and a group of willing incarcerated participants his methods on diffusing volatile situations. The female's name is Susan and Susan states in her letter to Douglas E. Noll's colleague that the group once taught the skills will form their own groups and pass on the skills and methods to the general population. The author instantly agrees.
This book explains the skills the author teaches with his colleague Laurel Kaufer to a pilot group of 15 women serving life or long sentences. This group of women consisted of a representation from every walk of life, ethnicity, educational level and socioeconomic background. They were tough, shut down, angry and deeply wounded women. These women's goals were wanting to end fighting and arguing in their prison community and needed to learn the skills to do it. During the fourth week of training the author claims to have had something powerful going on.
I have to say that by testing these skills on inmates and claiming if the skills are successful with prison inmates that the skills can work for anybody makes me uncomfortable because I don't like to stereotype. I understand that in order teach these methods and skills outlined in this book to anybody, first, you have to be able to calm an angry person down. I was able to learn from examples of using what the author terms affect labeling, from multiple examples of dialogue between an adult and children between the ages of two through eleven that affect labeling works and was a valuable lesson to learn. I remain skeptical how effective affect labeling with older more sophisticated people who are able to see through this method and may feel manipulated and not like it.
Basically, affect labeling is ignoring the words of an angry person and tuning into the emotions behind the words and acknowledging those emotions. By ignoring the words and acknowledging emotions that underlie the words works well with children. By ignoring the words of an angry child gives you the ability to not get pulled in to the vortex and trying to listen for the underlying emotions behind the words is helpful and is sort of common sense. The author explain's this method by giving multiple examples and instructs the person to use statements that begin with "You" and not "I." He claims that people feel more deeply understood when reflecting back by using "You" and not "I," statement's acknowledging the emotions and reflecting them back always leads to deeper communication and the person will always feel listened to and heard.
I will use one of the many samples given in the book as an example of affect labeling:
1. Ignore the words.
2. Guess at and reflect back the emotions.
Since we are interested with de-escalation, we really only have to remember six fundamental affects. In the usual number of presentation, they are: --Anger
--Fear
--Anxiety
--Disgust
--Grief-Shame-Humiliation
--Abandonment/Unloved
Here is an example quoted from the book of basic affect labeling between two friends:
SPEAKER (S): "My husband never listens to me. He just comes home and turns on the television."
LISTENER (L): "YOU are frustrated and feel disrespected."
S: "Yeah! And anytime I ask him how he is feeling, he completely shuts down,"
L: "YOU are frustrated and sad because he will not connect with you."
S: "It can be lonely at times. It's like we are living in two universes."
L: "YOU are lonely and sad and you feel unloved."
S: "Yeah, that's it exactly. Thanks for listening to me."
L: "You're welcome. Anytime."
That is as simple as it looks. The author doesn't offer further information regarding how to solve the situation between the Speaker and the disconnected husband. But does make the point that when the Speaker or the person you are trying to de-escalate responds by saying "Yeah," or drops their shoulders or sighs, that these are verbal and non-verbal signs, that the Speaker feels understood and listened too. That is your goal.
There are many terms that the author uses that you need to memorize. He devotes a whole chapter of useful samples just like the one above only switching the speaker as the reader on how to de-escalate teen-agers. As I said above, the older the person that the reader is trying to use these samples on, the more likely the angry or frustrated or tuned out emotions that you are trying to help your teen articulate and recognize and begin to understand their emotions--they are that much more sophisticated and can easily tell what you are doing, it is likely that they will ask you to stop, because the tendency is to feel manipulated. The author gives you sample dialogue to deal with which become a lot longer sessions of continuing to affect label.
I found some chapter's to be extremely informative with concepts at communicating that I use already, the author might use the correct term, which is easy to remember. There are a lot of things that need to be memorized to even begin to put into practice. There are 217 pages of different skills and methods to put into practice and learn. I will definitely buy a copy when this book is published because it is impossible to remember all of the different key points he uses. What the author suggests makes sense. I found this to be a highly valued resource to return to and am glad that I read it. I am sure there are wise practices that make for a more peaceful way of living.
Thank you to Net Galley, Douglas E. Noll and Atria Publishing for providing me with my digital copy in exchange for a fair and honest review.
April 10, 2018
If you read nothing else in this review read this next single paragraph.
"We tend to focus on our own emotional needs and pay less attention to what our partner is experiencing. This [the author] believes is the source of fighting , arguments, and even VIOLENCE in relationships". Yes, if only we were nicer and more understanding to our partners we wouldn't get physically abused.... UHG! Author has no real understanding of violence and the people who commit it even though they supposedly have programs in prisons (4, since one of the 5 prisons actually shut down 2 years after starting the Prison of Peace program). Examples used to support the partner relationship section are very cliche and gender-normative. Author does not mention that brain disorders play an enormous part in relationship problems and that sometimes no amount of good communication or deescalation attempts will accomplish anything. Some people have harmful and violent intent and no amount of "affect labeling" is going to prevent that. Author has on rose-colored-glasses and are in full on denial if they can't acknowledge this very simple fact about humanity. TLDR: Skip this book and look for other conflict resolution and deescalation books.
The narrator for the audiobook version is like listening to a computer speaking - mechanical and flat. It's a bit painful to listen to.
/sigh I've barely started and this book is already sounding like New Age philosophy/spirituality using words like "transformation" and other things that basically mean you're gonna be one of those ascended enlightened beings bringing peace to the Earth by the end of this book. If that's what you're into... then you found a book that will speak to you.
The author has chosen to use obscure technical terms for simple concepts in what really seems like an attempt to make themselves sound more legit.
The author has also chosen to spend a ridiculous amount of time talking about themselves and how they did all of this research and did all of these programs but fails to list anything of substance like stats or real results. Basically the author takes a crapload of time telling you how amazing they are and how smart they are and how cool their work is. Talking yourself up without actually listing anything substantial is a blatant attempt to manipulate the reader into thinking you and your words hold more weight than they actually do.
Also, the author claims they have never encountered someone who responded poorly to being emotionally "labeled". If you've done any amount of reading on compassion then you know that people HATE other people telling them how they feel (or should feel). If someone is talking and all you say is "you're angry", they're gonna be like "no shit, sherlock" or they will yell that you have no idea how they feel (because honestly no matter how good you are at reading people you will never know exactly how someone feels about anything) and then realize you aren't listening to a word they say and possibly respond with violence or dismiss you and the conversation with you entirely. Telling someone how you think they feel is counter productive. If this is the author's way of saying that "the issue is not the issue" then they should have written it that way. Making sure you understand what they are saying is different than labeling someone and repeating back to them what you think they've said is a legit technique of communication but labeling someone based on your interpretation of their visibly expressed emotions is not smart.
The author then goes on to talk about "you" vs. "I" statements and that the only reason why the author's students don't want to use "you" statements, like "you are angry" is because they think they will sound stupid or rude or incompetent and that "I" statements are full of ego and you can't have your ego involved. Maybe this is just me but I would respond poorly to someone trying to "affect label" me by using aggressive language like "you" statements unless it was from a counselor or therapist. If some random person said "dang, you're angry" it comes off as dismissive and unhelpful.
"Affect labeling" is basically what is called "Leading the Witness". If someone recognizes what you're doing (manipulation) they might just go along with it just to get you to shut up and or become offended when you label them with something that is completely wrong. When you think someone feels a certain way about something is more about how YOU would feel in that situation, not how THEY feel. For example a kid might really just dislike beans and not "feel like no one cares" about them as you might suggest. Sometimes it is just about the beans! When you do this with a child they will unconsciously learn what they "should" be feeling by the labels you suggest - even when they initially don't feel that way at all. It might make them more emotionally educated but it might also emotionally condition them to respond to certain situations in certain ways.... And that can be very damaging.
Apparently, if someone gets angry at you for not filling up their gas-tank when you use allllll of the gas it actually means that they have an "avoidance attachment mechanism going on, [they] can't trust anyone, can't depend on anyone, and has isolated [themselves] emotionally". And an empty gas tank isn't worthy of an argument....?! "The gas tank is not the issue, the issue is his feeling of abandonment that was triggered by the situation." Pretty sure the person is rightfully angry in this situation since the other person is displaying bad behavior that resulted (in the scenario) that they couldn't make it to the gas station because the car was so low on gas. The person who used all the gas and didn't have the basic decency to fill it up even a little, apparently, isn't the problem here at all, it's the other person that is angry about it. In this scenario, if you affect label him the whole time you are displaying that you are reliable and there for him.... "unlike his parents". Yes.... totally reliable (sarcasm). Just not reliable in the sense to have the decency to fill up the gas tank. Personally, when I am angry at someone all I need to calm down is the other person acknowledging that they did something wrong, I don't need them to acknowledge my feelings or even apologize, I need them to own up to their own behavior. If all someone did was "affect label" me I would want to punch them in the face because that is literally a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior by focusing on the feelings the other person thinks I'm experiencing rather than what actually happened.
According to he author, when you feel the urge to fix things it just means that you have anxiety about being unloved & rejected and only want to fix things to make YOU feel better. This is the weirdest logic.
This book makes so many logic leaps without any real evidence as backup it makes my brain hurt.
Now, if you got this far I do want to point out that when you get through the first couple of chapters there is some good info on how to engage with people with compassion.
Annnnnnnd just for giggles I looked up the 5 prisons mentioned in the book/ on the POP website and ZERO of the prisons mention this program online in their lists of inmate programs. And the statistics on the POP website will disappoint anyone remotely knowledgeable in stats.
TLDR:
Skip this book and look for other conflict resolution and deescalation books.
"We tend to focus on our own emotional needs and pay less attention to what our partner is experiencing. This [the author] believes is the source of fighting , arguments, and even VIOLENCE in relationships". Yes, if only we were nicer and more understanding to our partners we wouldn't get physically abused.... UHG! Author has no real understanding of violence and the people who commit it even though they supposedly have programs in prisons (4, since one of the 5 prisons actually shut down 2 years after starting the Prison of Peace program). Examples used to support the partner relationship section are very cliche and gender-normative. Author does not mention that brain disorders play an enormous part in relationship problems and that sometimes no amount of good communication or deescalation attempts will accomplish anything. Some people have harmful and violent intent and no amount of "affect labeling" is going to prevent that. Author has on rose-colored-glasses and are in full on denial if they can't acknowledge this very simple fact about humanity. TLDR: Skip this book and look for other conflict resolution and deescalation books.
The narrator for the audiobook version is like listening to a computer speaking - mechanical and flat. It's a bit painful to listen to.
/sigh I've barely started and this book is already sounding like New Age philosophy/spirituality using words like "transformation" and other things that basically mean you're gonna be one of those ascended enlightened beings bringing peace to the Earth by the end of this book. If that's what you're into... then you found a book that will speak to you.
The author has chosen to use obscure technical terms for simple concepts in what really seems like an attempt to make themselves sound more legit.
The author has also chosen to spend a ridiculous amount of time talking about themselves and how they did all of this research and did all of these programs but fails to list anything of substance like stats or real results. Basically the author takes a crapload of time telling you how amazing they are and how smart they are and how cool their work is. Talking yourself up without actually listing anything substantial is a blatant attempt to manipulate the reader into thinking you and your words hold more weight than they actually do.
Also, the author claims they have never encountered someone who responded poorly to being emotionally "labeled". If you've done any amount of reading on compassion then you know that people HATE other people telling them how they feel (or should feel). If someone is talking and all you say is "you're angry", they're gonna be like "no shit, sherlock" or they will yell that you have no idea how they feel (because honestly no matter how good you are at reading people you will never know exactly how someone feels about anything) and then realize you aren't listening to a word they say and possibly respond with violence or dismiss you and the conversation with you entirely. Telling someone how you think they feel is counter productive. If this is the author's way of saying that "the issue is not the issue" then they should have written it that way. Making sure you understand what they are saying is different than labeling someone and repeating back to them what you think they've said is a legit technique of communication but labeling someone based on your interpretation of their visibly expressed emotions is not smart.
The author then goes on to talk about "you" vs. "I" statements and that the only reason why the author's students don't want to use "you" statements, like "you are angry" is because they think they will sound stupid or rude or incompetent and that "I" statements are full of ego and you can't have your ego involved. Maybe this is just me but I would respond poorly to someone trying to "affect label" me by using aggressive language like "you" statements unless it was from a counselor or therapist. If some random person said "dang, you're angry" it comes off as dismissive and unhelpful.
"Affect labeling" is basically what is called "Leading the Witness". If someone recognizes what you're doing (manipulation) they might just go along with it just to get you to shut up and or become offended when you label them with something that is completely wrong. When you think someone feels a certain way about something is more about how YOU would feel in that situation, not how THEY feel. For example a kid might really just dislike beans and not "feel like no one cares" about them as you might suggest. Sometimes it is just about the beans! When you do this with a child they will unconsciously learn what they "should" be feeling by the labels you suggest - even when they initially don't feel that way at all. It might make them more emotionally educated but it might also emotionally condition them to respond to certain situations in certain ways.... And that can be very damaging.
Apparently, if someone gets angry at you for not filling up their gas-tank when you use allllll of the gas it actually means that they have an "avoidance attachment mechanism going on, [they] can't trust anyone, can't depend on anyone, and has isolated [themselves] emotionally". And an empty gas tank isn't worthy of an argument....?! "The gas tank is not the issue, the issue is his feeling of abandonment that was triggered by the situation." Pretty sure the person is rightfully angry in this situation since the other person is displaying bad behavior that resulted (in the scenario) that they couldn't make it to the gas station because the car was so low on gas. The person who used all the gas and didn't have the basic decency to fill it up even a little, apparently, isn't the problem here at all, it's the other person that is angry about it. In this scenario, if you affect label him the whole time you are displaying that you are reliable and there for him.... "unlike his parents". Yes.... totally reliable (sarcasm). Just not reliable in the sense to have the decency to fill up the gas tank. Personally, when I am angry at someone all I need to calm down is the other person acknowledging that they did something wrong, I don't need them to acknowledge my feelings or even apologize, I need them to own up to their own behavior. If all someone did was "affect label" me I would want to punch them in the face because that is literally a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior by focusing on the feelings the other person thinks I'm experiencing rather than what actually happened.
According to he author, when you feel the urge to fix things it just means that you have anxiety about being unloved & rejected and only want to fix things to make YOU feel better. This is the weirdest logic.
This book makes so many logic leaps without any real evidence as backup it makes my brain hurt.
Now, if you got this far I do want to point out that when you get through the first couple of chapters there is some good info on how to engage with people with compassion.
Annnnnnnd just for giggles I looked up the 5 prisons mentioned in the book/ on the POP website and ZERO of the prisons mention this program online in their lists of inmate programs. And the statistics on the POP website will disappoint anyone remotely knowledgeable in stats.
TLDR:
Skip this book and look for other conflict resolution and deescalation books.
September 6, 2019
TLDR on why this book belongs in the trash can and not your shelf.
Me : Wow. This book is really bad. Like incredibly, offensively, bad.
Douglas : You seem angry.
Me : Yes Sherlock. While you make some good points in the book, I can't get over how incredibly unrealistic your dialogues and examples are.
Douglas : You feel disrespected.
Me : Yup. It's absurd you even mention emotional granuity, when it's clear you've gone out of your way--made extreme efforts--to parrot the same responses regardless of context, and somehow be convinced it's representative of real situations. This book should be 6 sentences instead of 228 pages.
Douglas : You feel like you're not being heard.
Me : Yeah. I'm also feeling lonely and unloved too. Don't forget that one.
Douglas : You're feeling lonely and unloved.
Me : Thank you! I feel so much calmer now that you've just repeated verbatim what I said.
Douglas : You're welcome.
Douglas : Lastly, I want to make this absolutely clear. If people get upset with me for how I'm using my approach, I'm right and they're wrong.
Get yourself another book on this topic. If you want something similar, try "I Hear You" by Michael S. Sorensen, or something by Robert Bacal.
Just not this one, please.
Me : Wow. This book is really bad. Like incredibly, offensively, bad.
Douglas : You seem angry.
Me : Yes Sherlock. While you make some good points in the book, I can't get over how incredibly unrealistic your dialogues and examples are.
Douglas : You feel disrespected.
Me : Yup. It's absurd you even mention emotional granuity, when it's clear you've gone out of your way--made extreme efforts--to parrot the same responses regardless of context, and somehow be convinced it's representative of real situations. This book should be 6 sentences instead of 228 pages.
Douglas : You feel like you're not being heard.
Me : Yeah. I'm also feeling lonely and unloved too. Don't forget that one.
Douglas : You're feeling lonely and unloved.
Me : Thank you! I feel so much calmer now that you've just repeated verbatim what I said.
Douglas : You're welcome.
Douglas : Lastly, I want to make this absolutely clear. If people get upset with me for how I'm using my approach, I'm right and they're wrong.
Get yourself another book on this topic. If you want something similar, try "I Hear You" by Michael S. Sorensen, or something by Robert Bacal.
Just not this one, please.
July 8, 2018
Purports to tell us how to deescalate anger in 90 seconds or less by recognizing the emotional truth of our interlocutors. He suggests ignoring the words, listening for the emotion, labeling it, and suggesting a cause. (“You’re frustrated. No one appreciates you.”) He says it’s fine to get it wrong; just keep making declarative sentences guessing until they calm down. Apparently this is called “affect labeling.”
I’m a leetle dubious of some of the assertions. It has model conversations with angry persons that do not resemble conversations, angry or not, that I have ever had. Fairly sure if I had said some of the things he recommended to people who have been angry with me things would have escalated.
But I do think he’s on to something – empathy is powerful. Even if it takes a while to slip into sync with someone, it’s still powerful. People aren’t reliable witnesses to anything, let alone their own feelings, and if you just listen to what they say, you’ll miss what they mean and the anger and miscommunication will escalate.
Best line in the book: “Remember that most people, including your spouse, are emotionally incompetent.” (116).
Ok bus book.
I’m a leetle dubious of some of the assertions. It has model conversations with angry persons that do not resemble conversations, angry or not, that I have ever had. Fairly sure if I had said some of the things he recommended to people who have been angry with me things would have escalated.
But I do think he’s on to something – empathy is powerful. Even if it takes a while to slip into sync with someone, it’s still powerful. People aren’t reliable witnesses to anything, let alone their own feelings, and if you just listen to what they say, you’ll miss what they mean and the anger and miscommunication will escalate.
Best line in the book: “Remember that most people, including your spouse, are emotionally incompetent.” (116).
Ok bus book.
September 6, 2018
Me: A good attempt at telling you how to de-escalate situations. It goes from dealing with children, to spouses, to bosses and co-workers. However, the book does not tell you when de-escalation is useful as opposed to dealing with the problem. It seems to lump all situations into the emotional, when some are actually practical problems.
You:You are sad because you are unable to understand the book enough to use it.
Me: If the book actually differentiated between situations, it would be a little more useful. I would say it would probably be counterproductive to use these techniques in many situations, particularly with someone who is depressed, and doesn't need someone else to help them focus on how depressed they are. Sometimes a situation can be resolved by actually doing something about it, not just talking about how people are feeling. It discounts the feeling of control you can get from creating a plan in a hopeless situation.
You:You are depressed because you don't know how to apply this to depressed people.
Me:The sample discussions mostly seem unbelievable, or idiotic even. The idea that there will never be a negative reaction for guessing someone's emotion is complete nonsense. The narrator's insistence on spelling out swear words instead of saying them further adds to the disbelief of these discussions. I found myself yelling "Who the FUCK talks like that?" Oh pardon, "Who the F U C K talks like that?"
You:You are angry because you want people to swear to appeal to your lizard brain.
Me: I would recommend skipping ahead to the 5th cd once you get bored, because that is finally where the useful parts come in. It speaks about the relation between being able to emotionally judge other people and self-control, positing that the self-awareness gives people the feeling of control they need to short-circuit their anger. Later the part about reverse guessing with Faux sincerity in order to force the person to confront the contradiction seems particularly clever. It's basically a plod through of people's emotions, dealing with that first and then dealing with the actual issues. If only the book made it clear that it this was the point in the first place!
You:You are angry because no one likes you.
Me: Overall: The book is useful for deescalating emotional people so that you can get to a place where you can begin solving the problem, but will not be useful in all cases. The emotional mirroring is far too obvious, and will be caught by most intelligent people. The conversations are mostly laughable and entirely unbelievable. There is the grain of truth in the deescalation, but to rely solely on it invites peril. If you must read this, do this with much salt. Advise skipping CDs 2-4.
You:You are feeling abandoned because no one likes your GoodReads reviews and you're not actually funny.
Me:...
You: (Congratulate yourself on having made a silent connection.)
You:You are sad because you are unable to understand the book enough to use it.
Me: If the book actually differentiated between situations, it would be a little more useful. I would say it would probably be counterproductive to use these techniques in many situations, particularly with someone who is depressed, and doesn't need someone else to help them focus on how depressed they are. Sometimes a situation can be resolved by actually doing something about it, not just talking about how people are feeling. It discounts the feeling of control you can get from creating a plan in a hopeless situation.
You:You are depressed because you don't know how to apply this to depressed people.
Me:The sample discussions mostly seem unbelievable, or idiotic even. The idea that there will never be a negative reaction for guessing someone's emotion is complete nonsense. The narrator's insistence on spelling out swear words instead of saying them further adds to the disbelief of these discussions. I found myself yelling "Who the FUCK talks like that?" Oh pardon, "Who the F U C K talks like that?"
You:You are angry because you want people to swear to appeal to your lizard brain.
Me: I would recommend skipping ahead to the 5th cd once you get bored, because that is finally where the useful parts come in. It speaks about the relation between being able to emotionally judge other people and self-control, positing that the self-awareness gives people the feeling of control they need to short-circuit their anger. Later the part about reverse guessing with Faux sincerity in order to force the person to confront the contradiction seems particularly clever. It's basically a plod through of people's emotions, dealing with that first and then dealing with the actual issues. If only the book made it clear that it this was the point in the first place!
You:You are angry because no one likes you.
Me: Overall: The book is useful for deescalating emotional people so that you can get to a place where you can begin solving the problem, but will not be useful in all cases. The emotional mirroring is far too obvious, and will be caught by most intelligent people. The conversations are mostly laughable and entirely unbelievable. There is the grain of truth in the deescalation, but to rely solely on it invites peril. If you must read this, do this with much salt. Advise skipping CDs 2-4.
You:You are feeling abandoned because no one likes your GoodReads reviews and you're not actually funny.
Me:...
You: (Congratulate yourself on having made a silent connection.)
July 3, 2017
When I came across this I jumped at the chance to read it. My husband has been wrestling with anger issues for years and I come from a family who takes anger issues to a therapy inducing level so I very much wanted to learn ways to help de-escalate incidents rather than increase the tension.
Noll, someone who has worked in the legal field, comes with lots of experience and a long resume to back up his ability to put a book like this out and be taken seriously.
The only way you’re going to truly know if his techniques work is to try them on an angry person. I don’t recommend purposely making someone angry but look at it as being certified for CPR – you hope you never have to use it but it’s a good skill to have should the need present itself.
As a parent of children on the autism spectrum I also found his techniques beneficial to calming them down as well. Sometimes when my youngest in particular is in a full meltdown it can be difficult to soothe her so she doesn’t harm herself or anyone around her. The basic principles worked on her too and helped me learn some new parenting tricks. Often when she’d have a meltdown it’s not because she’s really angry about Netflix not working but because she’s tired, overstimulated and wants to pull away from the world. Whereas before I’d get frustrated she’s getting upset over the internet having a hiccup thanks to this book I started paying more attention to the emotions instead of the words which have allowed me to find ways to help her that work for us both.
Some of what he uses such as using direct statements that being with “You” are basic communicative psychological principles you would normally learn in marriage therapy or an Everybody Loves Raymond episode but all joking aside I can tell you they work.
This is a MUST have book for any parent, teacher, person in a relationship, etc because it will teach you some valuable skills to better the world around you. With the exponential rise in anger around us what could it possibly hurt to try?
Noll, someone who has worked in the legal field, comes with lots of experience and a long resume to back up his ability to put a book like this out and be taken seriously.
The only way you’re going to truly know if his techniques work is to try them on an angry person. I don’t recommend purposely making someone angry but look at it as being certified for CPR – you hope you never have to use it but it’s a good skill to have should the need present itself.
As a parent of children on the autism spectrum I also found his techniques beneficial to calming them down as well. Sometimes when my youngest in particular is in a full meltdown it can be difficult to soothe her so she doesn’t harm herself or anyone around her. The basic principles worked on her too and helped me learn some new parenting tricks. Often when she’d have a meltdown it’s not because she’s really angry about Netflix not working but because she’s tired, overstimulated and wants to pull away from the world. Whereas before I’d get frustrated she’s getting upset over the internet having a hiccup thanks to this book I started paying more attention to the emotions instead of the words which have allowed me to find ways to help her that work for us both.
Some of what he uses such as using direct statements that being with “You” are basic communicative psychological principles you would normally learn in marriage therapy or an Everybody Loves Raymond episode but all joking aside I can tell you they work.
This is a MUST have book for any parent, teacher, person in a relationship, etc because it will teach you some valuable skills to better the world around you. With the exponential rise in anger around us what could it possibly hurt to try?
January 3, 2018
Excellent, clear instructions on how to handle tricky, angry, upsetting people and situations. A wonderful resource and guide that I will return to time and again in the future in order to become a better listener and a better ‘reader of emotional messaging’.
There’s even a segment that you can practice on your own to better understand your own emotions more clearly.
On a more personal note: I have actually used some of the basic techniques when handling my kids (I’ve got two teens and one nearly 13 yr old) when they’ve been angry and/or uncommunicative and they have worked almost magically.
Though you do have to be careful and back down if ‘caught’ using the techniques or risk everything you’ve worked at to fall apart. I have even used some of the mirroring and affect labeling during happier conversations to much success.
There’s even a segment that you can practice on your own to better understand your own emotions more clearly.
On a more personal note: I have actually used some of the basic techniques when handling my kids (I’ve got two teens and one nearly 13 yr old) when they’ve been angry and/or uncommunicative and they have worked almost magically.
Though you do have to be careful and back down if ‘caught’ using the techniques or risk everything you’ve worked at to fall apart. I have even used some of the mirroring and affect labeling during happier conversations to much success.
November 17, 2020
I thought there was a lot of good information here. Like any self-help, sometimes it feels very matter-of-fact.
September 23, 2017
A very informative book. I have an older teen who is on the spectrum and has bipolar disorder. He is extremely explosive and confrontational. Not all of the info contained here is new to me. We've learned a lot of it here and there through the years. I've found a lot of these strategies to be very helpful while dealing with my father who also has an explosive personality. It can be hit or miss with my son however. Sometimes it works great but he is very, very, bright and even though I tried to be subtle, sometimes recognized quickly what I was doing and accused me of trying to "manage him" or "manipulate him" and that I was throwing his emotion back in his face. It made him angrier in some cases. Still, a very good book with some excellent strategies.
I received this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review
I received this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review
June 5, 2024
Definitely not earth-shattering, but definitely important to understand. This is professionally necessary for me.
January 16, 2024
Descripción de una técnica para desescalar conflictos en diversos ámbitos, basada en el reconocimiento de las emociones de nuestro interlocutor. La técnica propuesta requiere práctica, pero es relativamente sencilla, incluyendo el obviar las palabras y la emisión de mensajes centrales. El último capítulo incluye un consejo bastante útil: si el discurso de nuestro interlocutor está basado en elementos emocionales, no entres al trapo. Entretenido, el libro es bastante repetitivo, sobre todo cuando se trata de ejemplos; los diálogos son bastante ficticios, pero da herramientas para utilizar en las situaciones más conflictivas.
February 25, 2019
I liked this book. It was clear and offered help on how to communicate with angry, upset and emotional people. When emotions are high and someone feel strongly, the verbal communications tend to be challenging. This book offers a way to continue verbally communicating and de-escalate emotions and get to the solutionizing. The book gives you a method or a tool to use. It's not the end all fix for communications, but it's a way to help. How do you know if a tool will help or not unless you try it out?
October 10, 2017
I stopped reading at,
"1. Ignore the words being spoken.
2. Guess at the emotions.
3. Reflect the emotions with direct, declarative statements. (For example, "You are angry, frustrated, and sad.")"
Having worked about 20 years with the public, in customer service, tech support, the public sector, and sales, this is probably the WORST advice I've ever read. Seriously, these steps are the quickest way to get fired or killed.
Just, no.
"1. Ignore the words being spoken.
2. Guess at the emotions.
3. Reflect the emotions with direct, declarative statements. (For example, "You are angry, frustrated, and sad.")"
Having worked about 20 years with the public, in customer service, tech support, the public sector, and sales, this is probably the WORST advice I've ever read. Seriously, these steps are the quickest way to get fired or killed.
Just, no.
December 24, 2023
La construcción de libro es excelente, se exponen muchos ejemplos y situaciones en las que ver que la técnica mostrada funciona. Esta es precisamente su parte buena y su parte mala, ya que si analizamos la esencia de cada capítulo, realmente se aplica prácticamente lo mismo en todas las situaciones: el etiquetado de afectos. Está bien mostrar su uso en diferentes circunstancias, de esta manera queda mucho más clara. No obstante, el libro puede hacerse algo pesado por este motivo.
November 10, 2017
An arc was provided generously in exchange of an honest review via Netgalley.*
I really liked the idea and it seems to be working. So if you need to know how to calm down your children or your parents, or someone else, this book is for you.
I really liked the idea and it seems to be working. So if you need to know how to calm down your children or your parents, or someone else, this book is for you.
July 20, 2023
Un libro muy útil para mejorar cómo nos relacionamos y gestionar mejor las emociones de los otros. Creo que puede ayudar mucho en situaciones de fricción y conflicto
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May 18, 2025**De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less** by Douglas E. Noll is a practical guide to defusing conflict and managing emotional intensity in personal, professional, and public settings. Drawing from neuroscience and decades of mediation experience, the author offers simple yet powerful techniques to calm others—and oneself—during high-stress interactions.
The central idea is that emotions must be acknowledged and validated before rational dialogue is possible. Using what Noll calls “affect labeling,” individuals can quickly reduce tension and foster connection, even in hostile situations.
Key takeaways and actionable ideas:
* Emotions must be validated, not ignored
* People calm down when they feel heard and understood
* Reflect back emotions using simple, nonjudgmental language
* Avoid advice, questions, or denials during emotional peaks
* Affect labeling is the core technique
* State the other person’s emotions out loud (e.g., “You’re angry,” “You feel disrespected”)
* Use a calm, steady tone without rushing or interrupting
* Let the brain process the emotional labeling, which naturally reduces amygdala activity
* The 90-second rule is based on neuroscience
* When emotions are acknowledged, the brain can reset in about 90 seconds
* During this time, refrain from defending, explaining, or reasoning
* Stay quiet and present after labeling; let the other person release tension
* Focus on emotions, not content
* The facts don’t matter until the emotional wave passes
* Address feelings before discussing solutions
* De-escalation is emotional regulation, not problem-solving
* De-escalation is not agreement or surrender
* You can validate emotion without condoning behavior or conceding a point
* Saying “You’re really frustrated” does not mean “You’re right”
* Emotional reflection is about connection, not compromise
* Practice with low-stakes situations
* Use affect labeling with friends or family during minor conflicts
* Build skill and confidence by observing emotional cues
* Over time, automatic responses will shift from reaction to reflection
* Use body language that communicates safety
* Maintain open posture, relaxed facial expression, and steady eye contact
* Avoid abrupt gestures or defensive stances
* Match your tone and pace to the other person’s emotional level, then slowly guide it downward
* De-escalation can be used in all environments
* Works with children, coworkers, customers, patients, or strangers
* Especially effective in crisis response, customer service, and leadership roles
* Prevents escalation, reduces conflict cycles, and builds long-term trust
* Self-regulation is essential
* Practice mindfulness and emotional self-awareness
* Learn to recognize your own triggers and internal responses
* Use deep breathing and inner labeling to manage personal stress before engaging
* De-escalation builds emotional intelligence
* Enhances empathy, listening, and interpersonal influence
* Strengthens relationships and improves communication under pressure
* Turns conflict into opportunities for connection and growth
The central idea is that emotions must be acknowledged and validated before rational dialogue is possible. Using what Noll calls “affect labeling,” individuals can quickly reduce tension and foster connection, even in hostile situations.
Key takeaways and actionable ideas:
* Emotions must be validated, not ignored
* People calm down when they feel heard and understood
* Reflect back emotions using simple, nonjudgmental language
* Avoid advice, questions, or denials during emotional peaks
* Affect labeling is the core technique
* State the other person’s emotions out loud (e.g., “You’re angry,” “You feel disrespected”)
* Use a calm, steady tone without rushing or interrupting
* Let the brain process the emotional labeling, which naturally reduces amygdala activity
* The 90-second rule is based on neuroscience
* When emotions are acknowledged, the brain can reset in about 90 seconds
* During this time, refrain from defending, explaining, or reasoning
* Stay quiet and present after labeling; let the other person release tension
* Focus on emotions, not content
* The facts don’t matter until the emotional wave passes
* Address feelings before discussing solutions
* De-escalation is emotional regulation, not problem-solving
* De-escalation is not agreement or surrender
* You can validate emotion without condoning behavior or conceding a point
* Saying “You’re really frustrated” does not mean “You’re right”
* Emotional reflection is about connection, not compromise
* Practice with low-stakes situations
* Use affect labeling with friends or family during minor conflicts
* Build skill and confidence by observing emotional cues
* Over time, automatic responses will shift from reaction to reflection
* Use body language that communicates safety
* Maintain open posture, relaxed facial expression, and steady eye contact
* Avoid abrupt gestures or defensive stances
* Match your tone and pace to the other person’s emotional level, then slowly guide it downward
* De-escalation can be used in all environments
* Works with children, coworkers, customers, patients, or strangers
* Especially effective in crisis response, customer service, and leadership roles
* Prevents escalation, reduces conflict cycles, and builds long-term trust
* Self-regulation is essential
* Practice mindfulness and emotional self-awareness
* Learn to recognize your own triggers and internal responses
* Use deep breathing and inner labeling to manage personal stress before engaging
* De-escalation builds emotional intelligence
* Enhances empathy, listening, and interpersonal influence
* Strengthens relationships and improves communication under pressure
* Turns conflict into opportunities for connection and growth
June 19, 2020
I got this because I work with the public in a sort of customer service/public service setting (the desk of a city's public library), and we get a LOT of angry people. And now that we've been closed for COVID-19 and are struggling with the extremely chaotic process of partially reopening. Basically, we're expecting to be yelled at. A lot. Maybe constantly.
So this isn't really a book about GENERAL de-escalation principles, it's about Douglas Noll's own system for it. He's run it in prisons and classrooms, allegedly to great effect. But does it work? It's hard to say. It's not very intuitive, but there is a sort of logic underlying it.
Basically, when someone is really escalated, you ignore their exact words and instead try to take in their emotional state as a whole, and then state it back to them (he calls it "affect labeling"). So if someone shouts "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT FIVE DAYS TO GET MY BOOKS," instead of going "I'm sorry, but that's our soonest opening," I should go "You're frustrated and disappointed. You were hoping to get them right away." It wouldn't be my instinctive answer, but I can imagine it maybe working?
The idea is that you aren't giving them anything to build on. You're not offering a solution or explanation or even an apology, you're just telling them that you understand what they're feeling. And in theory, they then calm down. When I've described this to people, a lot of parents have gone "Oh, I do that with my kids all the time. It works really well on them." So the idea is sort of that it doesn't JUST work on kids. An adult throwing a temper tantrum isn't that different from a toddler.
This book's primary failing in my eyes is that it doesn't even attempt to address de-escalating in like a customer service setting. It seems like that would be a prime demographic to speak to with this. Also, everyone else's reviews are correct-- his example conversations in this are TERRIBLE. I passed this book up to my manager but also warned her to not take the dialogue seriously. Yikes.
I'll update this in the future with my experience. I'm willing to give it a try (if I can remember it all in the heat of the moment), and I'm willing to believe it might work, but I could also imagine it going wrong. (Mostly, someone yelling "DON'T TRY TO TELL ME HOW I FEEL" or something.) Wish me luck!
So this isn't really a book about GENERAL de-escalation principles, it's about Douglas Noll's own system for it. He's run it in prisons and classrooms, allegedly to great effect. But does it work? It's hard to say. It's not very intuitive, but there is a sort of logic underlying it.
Basically, when someone is really escalated, you ignore their exact words and instead try to take in their emotional state as a whole, and then state it back to them (he calls it "affect labeling"). So if someone shouts "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO WAIT FIVE DAYS TO GET MY BOOKS," instead of going "I'm sorry, but that's our soonest opening," I should go "You're frustrated and disappointed. You were hoping to get them right away." It wouldn't be my instinctive answer, but I can imagine it maybe working?
The idea is that you aren't giving them anything to build on. You're not offering a solution or explanation or even an apology, you're just telling them that you understand what they're feeling. And in theory, they then calm down. When I've described this to people, a lot of parents have gone "Oh, I do that with my kids all the time. It works really well on them." So the idea is sort of that it doesn't JUST work on kids. An adult throwing a temper tantrum isn't that different from a toddler.
This book's primary failing in my eyes is that it doesn't even attempt to address de-escalating in like a customer service setting. It seems like that would be a prime demographic to speak to with this. Also, everyone else's reviews are correct-- his example conversations in this are TERRIBLE. I passed this book up to my manager but also warned her to not take the dialogue seriously. Yikes.
I'll update this in the future with my experience. I'm willing to give it a try (if I can remember it all in the heat of the moment), and I'm willing to believe it might work, but I could also imagine it going wrong. (Mostly, someone yelling "DON'T TRY TO TELL ME HOW I FEEL" or something.) Wish me luck!
December 22, 2019
So I've picked up the book with the hope of learning how better to deal with high-conflict situations that take place mainly in the workplace.
In the first few pages, I learned about the author's credentials that I thought would recommend him as an expert on the matter of de-escalating conflicts.
The approach described for de-escalating conflicts is to ignore the angry person's words, and to focus on the emotions, mainly reflecting back their complaints in a neutral tone, so in other words, to allow the person to feel that they've been listened to and they've been heard. This fact alone does not add information to the conversation that takes place, its only purpose being to help the person feel that they've been listened to.
This entire approach the author calls "affect labeling".
The mindset is that you can't solve an emotional problem with logic alone. Arguing will not solve it.
After that, allegedly, you're supposed to guess at how the person's feeling and to tell them your guesses, and if you're lucky, then the person would feel not only heard but also understood, and that will accomplish the goal of de-escalating the conflict.
This entire spiel is then re-iterated multiple times throughout the book, the varying elements being the people involved, the situation(workplace,classroom,family,etc) and the angry person's arguments, but the approach is the same every single time.
However, the author themself cautions the reader not to "get caught" when trying to use this approach, and to be careful, and that even if they get ridiculed as a response to a failed de-escalation attempt, that the method is still valid, it's just that the reader needs more practice in using it. I think this is proof that the subject is not that simple.
This book is good and bad at the same time. It's good because it emphasizes the aspect of making it clear to the other person that their complaint was heard and to help them feel understood and that someone actually listened to them and is aware of how they feel.
I've also learned from the book that it's a good idea to try to help the person switch from an angry mood into a problem-solving mode by trying to present them with alternatives and offer to help go through them to help them see beyond the conflict, and to find a solution to the conflict.
At the same time, the book is bad because it's somewhat superficial. I think this is a very complex topic and the book really just scratches the surface and the approach is rather simplistic. I can understand the idea of detaching from the anger context, but at the same time there may be situations that require a tailored solution, where something generic will not work.
Maybe the solution presented throughout the book is generic and can be used as a fallback for a person has a history of not responding well to constructive problem-solving or to a tailored response.
But the book does have its merits for presenting some valid points.
I will give this book 3 stars.
In the first few pages, I learned about the author's credentials that I thought would recommend him as an expert on the matter of de-escalating conflicts.
The approach described for de-escalating conflicts is to ignore the angry person's words, and to focus on the emotions, mainly reflecting back their complaints in a neutral tone, so in other words, to allow the person to feel that they've been listened to and they've been heard. This fact alone does not add information to the conversation that takes place, its only purpose being to help the person feel that they've been listened to.
This entire approach the author calls "affect labeling".
The mindset is that you can't solve an emotional problem with logic alone. Arguing will not solve it.
After that, allegedly, you're supposed to guess at how the person's feeling and to tell them your guesses, and if you're lucky, then the person would feel not only heard but also understood, and that will accomplish the goal of de-escalating the conflict.
This entire spiel is then re-iterated multiple times throughout the book, the varying elements being the people involved, the situation(workplace,classroom,family,etc) and the angry person's arguments, but the approach is the same every single time.
However, the author themself cautions the reader not to "get caught" when trying to use this approach, and to be careful, and that even if they get ridiculed as a response to a failed de-escalation attempt, that the method is still valid, it's just that the reader needs more practice in using it. I think this is proof that the subject is not that simple.
This book is good and bad at the same time. It's good because it emphasizes the aspect of making it clear to the other person that their complaint was heard and to help them feel understood and that someone actually listened to them and is aware of how they feel.
I've also learned from the book that it's a good idea to try to help the person switch from an angry mood into a problem-solving mode by trying to present them with alternatives and offer to help go through them to help them see beyond the conflict, and to find a solution to the conflict.
At the same time, the book is bad because it's somewhat superficial. I think this is a very complex topic and the book really just scratches the surface and the approach is rather simplistic. I can understand the idea of detaching from the anger context, but at the same time there may be situations that require a tailored solution, where something generic will not work.
Maybe the solution presented throughout the book is generic and can be used as a fallback for a person has a history of not responding well to constructive problem-solving or to a tailored response.
But the book does have its merits for presenting some valid points.
I will give this book 3 stars.
January 5, 2024
This book needs to be at the top of the reading heap for any communicator. To my knowledge, there is no work on communication, mediation, arbitration, conversation, or related subject matters that thoroughly (or even helpfully) explores de-escalating someone in an agitated state. We know that cops use force when their commands are ignored, medical staff will restrain or tranquilize, family and friends will escalate verbally and physically, and strangers…who knows?
“Calm down!” That is almost always an epic failure, yet folks continue to say that. Noll has the best system I am aware of for handling that state *between* calm and violence. With experience as an attorney, mediator, and student of peace studies, he incorporates modern neuroscientific findings to create a systematic way of approaching and de-escalating anger (and other emotional states). At the center stage of his strategy is the understanding that we are emotional beings. That truth is denied to negative consequences to physical health and relationships.
The book includes his case for this methodology, sample dialogues as well as follow up strategies and exercises for productive conversations and longer lasting peace after a de-escalation. He adopts his techniques to use with various people such as children, supervisors, customers, grievers, spouses, the politically polarized and even oneself.
I quibble with some things in the book like the relationship between emotions and rationality though I get where Noll is going. Having listened to many of the interviews he’s granted, I know we have worldview differences. It would also make better sense in a section on de-escalating the politically polarized to not make all the examples of the polarized on one side of the political spectrum. Even with a few caveats this book deserves five stars for such a helpful work on relationships in perilous times. I have used this to great effect in my business and personal life. It does take practice. Think weeks and months when training yourself.
“Calm down!” That is almost always an epic failure, yet folks continue to say that. Noll has the best system I am aware of for handling that state *between* calm and violence. With experience as an attorney, mediator, and student of peace studies, he incorporates modern neuroscientific findings to create a systematic way of approaching and de-escalating anger (and other emotional states). At the center stage of his strategy is the understanding that we are emotional beings. That truth is denied to negative consequences to physical health and relationships.
The book includes his case for this methodology, sample dialogues as well as follow up strategies and exercises for productive conversations and longer lasting peace after a de-escalation. He adopts his techniques to use with various people such as children, supervisors, customers, grievers, spouses, the politically polarized and even oneself.
I quibble with some things in the book like the relationship between emotions and rationality though I get where Noll is going. Having listened to many of the interviews he’s granted, I know we have worldview differences. It would also make better sense in a section on de-escalating the politically polarized to not make all the examples of the polarized on one side of the political spectrum. Even with a few caveats this book deserves five stars for such a helpful work on relationships in perilous times. I have used this to great effect in my business and personal life. It does take practice. Think weeks and months when training yourself.
January 5, 2018
DE-ESCALATE is a non-fiction, self-help book about How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less. The book is particularly aimed at women and parenting. The author demonstrates methods in calming yourself and the angry one, as he has worked on this issue for over 20 years.
The magic works in a very unique way. The author believes that emotions are labeled, and if the speaker to these feelings listens to these emotions, then he or she can quickly calm the person down. The author demonstrates this method through many examples and scenarios using the same skills and different lifestyles.
After reading this book, you are able to control any future confrontations, angry disputes and aggressive people you may meet along the way in your life. You can create a peaceful world around you and that subsequently creates a calmer life for yourself. Imagine breaking tension at your place? Calming down your angry husband? Better comforting your child? Who would not want that?
These social listening and communication skills are spread chapter by chapter in this book and are written in a way that is easy to understand and to follow. To make it work for yourself, I believe the reader will have to make some changes in their own behavior as well as applying the techniques taught. Essentially one should be able to communicate better and prevent arguments in the future.
I recommend this book to people that seek a better living and a quality lifestyle.
The magic works in a very unique way. The author believes that emotions are labeled, and if the speaker to these feelings listens to these emotions, then he or she can quickly calm the person down. The author demonstrates this method through many examples and scenarios using the same skills and different lifestyles.
After reading this book, you are able to control any future confrontations, angry disputes and aggressive people you may meet along the way in your life. You can create a peaceful world around you and that subsequently creates a calmer life for yourself. Imagine breaking tension at your place? Calming down your angry husband? Better comforting your child? Who would not want that?
These social listening and communication skills are spread chapter by chapter in this book and are written in a way that is easy to understand and to follow. To make it work for yourself, I believe the reader will have to make some changes in their own behavior as well as applying the techniques taught. Essentially one should be able to communicate better and prevent arguments in the future.
I recommend this book to people that seek a better living and a quality lifestyle.
October 27, 2020
Patronizing but helpful to consider repeating back not the content of what someone is projecting, but focus on the feelings of an upset person. ie: You feel angry. Truth: people need to be validated to be heard. Unfortunately, we are first emotional beings and not always logical. I really liked the idea of guessing the feelings of a teen or child who won't talk. "You are sad and lonely" and then maybe the child will correct and explain. That might work better than questioning "how was your day?" One point that was noted toward the end of the book was that if someone hears a good argument against their political bias it doesn't change their opinion, it enhances it! I believe that. I thought the ideas in this book were especially helpful if you want to confront someone. Instead of saying, you did this, it might be helpful to say "you feel this way and that's why you did that thing." It helps for the offender to explain why they did something. But the practice in this book seems to go too far by projecting too many feelings onto someone else. A person's natural inclination will be to say, NO! stop telling me how I feel. lol.
May 8, 2021
Overall, this book is a phenomenal read, and we'd all probably be better off if it was more widely read. That said, portions of the book did fall flat or appear repetitive, and I sometimes felt bored or wanting more. Additionally, the book does not sufficiently distinguish between moments requiring a specific set of skills suited for deescelation and emotionally-tense situations more broadly. Lastly, the book isn't clear that victim-blaming isn't appropriate or accurate.
In short, ~15% of this book is an introduction and general knowledge, 80% of the book is about one specific strategy (affect labeling), and 5% of the book is other strategies. The concept of affect labeling is shared over and over, often in a variety of situations (what affect labeling looks like in parenthood, what is looks like in marriage or divorce, what it looks like in the workplace, etc.). Part of this repetition was useful in exploring new applications and reinforcing key ideas. But it did get old at times, and I was left really wanting more tools along similar veins to add to my repertoire. Sadly, I didn't get many others.
In short, ~15% of this book is an introduction and general knowledge, 80% of the book is about one specific strategy (affect labeling), and 5% of the book is other strategies. The concept of affect labeling is shared over and over, often in a variety of situations (what affect labeling looks like in parenthood, what is looks like in marriage or divorce, what it looks like in the workplace, etc.). Part of this repetition was useful in exploring new applications and reinforcing key ideas. But it did get old at times, and I was left really wanting more tools along similar veins to add to my repertoire. Sadly, I didn't get many others.
March 25, 2018
I had 2 experiences in a week with angry people shouting obscenities at me. The first was when I was silently praying in front of an abortion clinic. The second was when a woman came after me in a parking lot because I hadn't seen she wanted to cross an intersection. So when I saw this book at the library soon after, I thought it might be helpful. A red flag right up front was when the author said humans are not rational creatures, but emotional ones. His affect labeling, "You are angry " could help with people you have a relationship with, but I don't believe it would help in the situations I was in. The chapter on the transcendent state is egolessness where he describes how using affect labelling led to his sense of I disappearing and his true essence appearing was hard to believe. He further says affect labeling might be a spiritual practice! The last chapter on dealing with polarized people was purely biased. The 3 people he gave examples for were unhappy with illegal immigration, mandated health insurance and sexual orientation, transgenderism and abortion rights. He gave examples of affect labelling them so they can be led into problem solving and see the unfairness of their beliefs.
September 8, 2018
I liked the information in this book. It might just be a life-changing book for me where my communication skills are forever changed. However, I felt like most of the information could have been summarized in a good article versus an entire book. This book was rather repetitive. Then, some parts (like core messaging) were covered too quickly. Since I listened to the audiobook, I couldn't easily flip back to review.
I also felt like the book presented the best-case conversation scenarios. Most of the conversations I couldn't see happening in real life. I've tried using affect labeling with my kids and this is definitely a skill that requires practice! My affect labeling tends to turn into a question even though it's not supposed to be. "You felt angry?" I'm excited to continue working on this skill.
Overall, I'm glad I read this book but I'm not sure I would recommend it. Oh, and side note, I found it shocking how biased the political section was. How hard is it to come up with examples for both sides?
3 Stars.
I also felt like the book presented the best-case conversation scenarios. Most of the conversations I couldn't see happening in real life. I've tried using affect labeling with my kids and this is definitely a skill that requires practice! My affect labeling tends to turn into a question even though it's not supposed to be. "You felt angry?" I'm excited to continue working on this skill.
Overall, I'm glad I read this book but I'm not sure I would recommend it. Oh, and side note, I found it shocking how biased the political section was. How hard is it to come up with examples for both sides?
3 Stars.
November 10, 2020
Written by a lawyer who has moved into mediation and who also does work with inmates, this work is unexpectedly helpful and simple in its recommendations for approaching challenging situations. Recommendations dovetail nicely with functional psychology including de-escalation of toddlers (as in books like No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. In particular contains a simple 3 step approach for de-escalating others, a helpful exercise for considering our own potential triggers, and what victims often need and the most productive ways to help them meet those needs. Definitely a helpful book in my toolkit.
February 3, 2023
There are negotiation skills taught in this book that remind me of Never Split The Difference. But this book really dives into the labeling of affect emotions. I labeled one of my cousins emotions yesterday and it worked. Now I'm thinking that if I can do this to someone at least once per day, then slowly but surely, I will learn to set my emotions aside and help other people be heard. If I can do this, my children will subtly pick up on it. My office staff will subtly pick up on it. Our customer service should increase. I'd love to be able to listen to someone, gain understanding when they're upset and not to take their critical words to heart. All that does is put me on the defensive and then friction ensues. So the first step to avoiding confrontation is learning how to diffuse it. Then everyone feels better and solutions to problems can be found.
April 10, 2019
I like the basic idea of this book; staying curious about the responses of others and their experiences to bridge the gap when you have heightened conflict.
However, the book gets pretty repetitive and as other reviewers have said, the real-world scripts suggested are NOT realistic and would create really awkward and borderline manipulative conversation if you actually tried them on the unsuspecting friend or family member.
The gold nugget at the core of the book is this: Affect labeling. When you are in a conflict with an emotionally escalated person, ignore the words and insults and search for the emotion they are feeling, and validate it, and continue validating it and empathizing until you reach the core.
However, the book gets pretty repetitive and as other reviewers have said, the real-world scripts suggested are NOT realistic and would create really awkward and borderline manipulative conversation if you actually tried them on the unsuspecting friend or family member.
The gold nugget at the core of the book is this: Affect labeling. When you are in a conflict with an emotionally escalated person, ignore the words and insults and search for the emotion they are feeling, and validate it, and continue validating it and empathizing until you reach the core.
November 7, 2017
I learned some things on how to deal with others that are frustrated, angry, etc. Not every section may seem to apply to you but read them anyway because you just may find a helpful tip. There were numerous examples provided which also helped to get the authors point across. In some instances I don't see a few of the suggestions working however I haven't tried so I can't say anything negative without having an experience to base that on. It just seems if someone is extremely angry that it may anger them more if you just repeat back to them what they already know/feel. I do highly recommend the book!
June 19, 2025
Doug Noll presents some incredibly interesting concepts. His approach centers around affect labeling emotions to help people feel heard and get to a point where they can calm their emotions in order to think about the situation and come to a more thoughtful decision. Most conflicts deal with emotion, and unless we are more “emotionally intelligent”, we cannot reach a true level of empathy and understanding in order to get to resolution. I look forward to continuing to practice these techniques.
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