I was determined to finish The Wanderer, a novel I picked up last weekend at Saint Vinnie’s, if it killed me. I didn’t think it could literally kill me until I read the following:
"Don woke from his slumber, or thought he did until he realized that he was outside his body. He didn’t realize he was outside his body at first, but then he realized he didn’t have any arms or legs and he realized that couldn’t be right. Then he realized it was floating about six feet above his bed, and he realized that floating and not having any arms or legs indicated perhaps that he was not really there, so he tried to turn his head to see if his body was still lying on the bed below him but he couldn’t, of course, because he didn’t have a head because he was outside his body."
I’m paraphrasing, but only because I didn’t want to quote five more pages of disjointed text like that. I lived through it once, but I don’t think I could do it again, and I didn’t see any reason to put you through it, either.
At first The Wanderer was good fun, a romp through what is often called The Golden Age of science fiction when authors like Heinlein, Asimov, Campbell and this novel’s writer, Fritz Leiber, wrote space operas about square-jawed astro-explorers riding atom-powered rocket jets to Venus to meet a race of octopoids and either start a nuclear war or have sex with them. The Wanderer is about a space ship as big as a planet that pops out of hyperspace into orbit around Earth and starts to eat the moon. While the moon’s being broken up in to kibble, cat people in flying saucers abduct some Earthlings and have sex with them. There’s lots and lots of mass destruction and sex, although the sex is only hinted at while the mass destruction is described in excruciating detail.
I almost gave up in disgust about two-hundred pages into the book when Leiber kills off one of the most interesting characters, but by then I’d invested quite a bit of time and energy in it and there were only about a hundred thirty pages to go, so I pressed on, cheating a bit by skimming through the exposition and trying to catch as much of the story as I could from the dialog, until I came to the part where one of the main characters speaks to another character via hologram, which he explains away as “actually an advanced method of communication; incidentally, I’m in space right now!” When the dialog fails to hold your interest any longer, that’s a hint it’s time to give up any hope of finishing the story.
I took one last stab at making it all the way to the end by taking it to bed with me. After all, I had only thirty or so pages left, but they were pretty awful pages by that time. I got the feeling Leiber was sick of the story by then, too, and just wanted it to be over with. When I flipped open to the bookmark and started reading, My Darling B looked over and noted, “Oh, you’re almost done!”
“Thank goodness!” I added, and explained what a turd it was. She was amazed I was trying to stick with it.
“I thought reading was supposed to be something you enjoy,” she said, and that’s when I realized what I was doing by trying to finish was all wrong, and I realized I should put the book down, and I should turn the light out and I should float away bodiless to la-la land. The end.