Crap Kingdom

by D.C. Pierson

THE CHOSEN ONE MUST BE RETRIEVED FROM EARTH

HE WILL BRING DOWN THE WALL AND RESTORE THE KINGDOM TO GLORY

HIS NAME IS TOM PARKING

With this mysterious yet oddly ordinary-looking prophecy, Tom's fate is sealed: he's been plucked from his life and whisked away to a magical kingdom to be its Chosen One.

There's just one problem: The kingdom is mostly made of garbage from Earth. Okay, well, two problems: the king hates Tom. Also, the princess likes to wear fake mustaches. And being Chosen One seems to consist mainly of cleaning out rats' noses at the Royal Rat-Snottery.

So, basically, the kingdom sucks.

When Tom turns down the job of Chosen One, he thinks he's making a smart decision. But when Tom discovers he's been replaced by his best friend Kyle, who's always been cooler, more athletic, and better with girls, Tom wants Crap Kingdom back—at any cost. And the hilarity that ensues will determine the fate of the universe.

Genres: Fantasy, Young Adult, Humor, Fiction, Audiobook, Magic, Teen

360 pages, Hardcover

First published March 7, 2013

About the author

D.C. Pierson (born December 27, 1984) is an American comedian, author, and actor. He is best known for his involvement in the sketch and improvisational comedy group Derrick Comedy.

Reviews

[Mitch · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had an idea in my head of the kind of book Crap Kingdom would be. It was going to be irreverent, crass, and hilariously inappropriate, the kind of memorable send-up to traditional fantasy that would completely skewer everything commonly associated with the genre, magic lands and Chosen Ones and princesses in distress and every single other staid overdone cliche. But in this case, I think I got my hopes up for nothing, because turns out Crap Kingdom is not nearly as funny as it sounded in my head.

Humor is of course one of those ‘your mileage will vary’ deals, so take of this what you will, but for me at least the first warning sign of my disappointment comes in the first few sentences of the book. I’m more of a physical comedy kind of guy, I like action more than the idea of something being funny, so seeing DC Pierson starting the book by basically telling me how Crap Kingdom is going to be different from every single other fantasy, how Tom’s impending adventure is going to be different from every single other Chosen One’s, well, it didn’t really work for me. Cute but not laugh out loud. More of an eh than a lol. And as I read on, it just seemed like the writing never manages to be more than mildly amusing and the laughs just weren’t coming. Were there moments? Sure, parts I liked, such as a discussion of the mechanics of barfing in cars with and without windshields, but they were mostly few and far between other stuff that was just strange for the sake of being strange like how the princess likes to wear mustaches or a cheesy variant on a traditional fantasy trope like the whole treatment of magic, nothing that really made fun of the things the book promised to make fun of, you know?

And then turns out, Crap Kingdom actually has a plot (but not a very good one). I know I usually insist on books having plots, in fact I probably harp on it more than I should when I review paranormals because it seems half the time there isn’t one, but in the case of satire, eh I think the plot harmed more than it helped because, well, it’s more full of holes than actually funny. I’m not opposed to nonsensical hilarity, in humor sometimes it actually works just hitting readers with random funny shit and not caring in the least whether it’s all logical or not, but still the plot has to be sufficiently funny that I don’t care about the fallacies, and it wasn’t here. So I’m thinking why the hell Kyle gets magical powers right off the bat when Tom doesn’t, why it seems all the denizens of Crap Kingdom but the King in particular are so darn capricious, and what’s with all the weirdness going on, and while it’s all required for the story to work, I guess, it also makes the story seem silly rather than funny.

And ultimately, that’s my problem with Crap Kingdom, it’s more silly than funny. I get the feeling Pierson wanted Tom to learn a lesson from his experiences, like don’t prejudge a place to be crap because if you do you’ll have second thoughts and might miss out on your big chance to make a difference, which is not a bad idea in theory, but in practice the story seemed to fall apart by the time that message really mattered. I only kept reading after Tom rejects Crap Kingdom the first time because I expected a train wreck from the whole not-Tom in Tom’s body doing all sorts of suave but outlandish things while Tom’s physically in Crap Kingdom (don’t ask), and all I got out of it was one apparently really dirty letter than I didn’t even get to read - after that, the whole conflict with Crap Kingdom's militant neighbor turned out to be rather generic and absolutely not satirical in the slightest, well maybe a bit more weird than your typical fantasy but nothing entirely way out there.

So. Crap Kingdom - funny? Not really, at least for me. Hence my disappointment.

[Renata · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK so a minute ago I said that romcoms aren't my thing... THIS is my thing. If meta-humor about fantasy kingdoms isn't your thing, you probably won't like this, but if they are.... oh man, this book NAILS it.

SO SO funny. I kept tweeting lines from it as I read--they aren't as funny out of context but I didn't care.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Ngggththtthh? The name of our kingdom."
"Gark said the kingdom didn't have a name."
"It doesn't. But there are times where, grammatically, it makes sense to speak the name of the kingdom aloud. And since it does not have a name, it is traditional just to mumble unintelligibly for the length of the average kingdom name."

It reminds me of The Magicians but funnier and less scary. Like not scary at all really. But it has that same kind of vibe, of someone who's consumed a lot of fantasy novels finally getting to write their own and using every trope to its best advantage. And then... without spoilers... even the parts that at first I was "meh" about evolved into awesomeness.

I'M 20 GHOSTS ABOUT THIS BOOK

PS the best part is how it's a fantasy book that did not force me to look at a map of a madeup country. good job Crap Kingdom!

[Jim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic, despite it's ridiculous name.

It's been a long time since I read an entire book in one day. I picked this up around 2:00ish this afternoon and finished about 7 hours later. It's only 360 pages, and other than making dinner and taking out the trash, I spent my Sunday afternoon plowing through Crap Kingdom.

As far as I know, D.C. Pierson only has one other published book The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To and it was one of my favorite reads of the last several years. Crap Kingdom may have actually been a bit better. The prior mainly revolved around the friendship between friends Darren and Eric. Crap Kingdom is also a bro-mance of sorts, however there's an added "love"-story to make this a bit more "adult" oriented than The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To.

Now I understand that some people, actually probably a lot of people aren't going to enjoy this book. This isn't a literary masterpiece, and may not be very identifiable by anyone much older than myself, but it's FUN! I'm pretty sure I'm almost the exact demographic that this book was written for. I may be a bit older than the target audience, but I can still appreciate the references to LOST or Pokémon. There's also no mech-suits this time around, but there's still some fun use of teenage-boy sci-fi love.

It's hard to come across books about teenage boys where the author isn't trying to cram some boy scout life lesson down your throat. Or the complete opposite, a "rebel" at the other end of the spectrum (ala Catcher In The Rye, or even Youth In Revolt). It's nice to read about uncoordinated boys who overanalyze the wrong things and underemphasize the important things. It's more believable and certainly more relatable. The fact that it's all mixed in with some crazy Fantasy (epic?) is an added bonus.

After seeing D.C. Pierson in a recent Fiber One commercial on TV, I was a little concerned about his career. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm on TV in any capacity, but I always enjoyed Derrick Comedy (and the movie Mystery Team) as well as his first book (see above). So I was a little nervous about seeing him in product commercials since that seems to be where actors go to die, and he's far too young and talented for that. This book has helped to assuage my fears that his creativity had been put out to pasture. On the contrary, it seems his creativeness is still very active and I can't wait to see what else he has in store.

[Gavin Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Crap Kingdom is a young adult’s novel by D.C. Pierson. It begins with the main character, Tom Parking, contemplating on why his life isn't all bad and how he would like it more if it were. The character has a crush on a close friend. Lindsey Kopec. The girl that makes up a 1/3 of Tom's world. She's only a branch of the trouble that is to come. Then there's Kyle, Tom's best friend, who's like Tom, but only accelerated. Which makes him better than Tom in almost every way. This ends up being a disadvantage to Tom because, after being the Chosen One in Crap Kingdom for a while, the king claimed it was a mistake and Tom saw that he had made Kyle the new Chosen One over the fact that he thought Tom wasn't quite fit for the job. Kyle was ecstatic when he saw Tom enter Crap Kingdom. He had so much to tell him. By that statement, Tom had the feeling that this choice wasn't just made recently. It was actually made a few weeks in advance. This all made Tom really angry, made him feel betrayed by his best friend, and a whole lot jealous. On top of that, Kyle somehow got special powers that allow him to switch between worlds and be in two places at once (sort of). After that major downer, Lindsey is now Tom's girlfriend. Thanks to the soul that takes over Tom's body when he's technically not in it. This other soul is turns out to be a better Tom than the actual Tom. Soon after having a slight argument with Kyle, Tom finds this second kingdom called the Ghelm Kingdom. This Kingdom is full of people who are smarter, a lot more positive, and especially cleaner. Tom had agreed to help fight Crap Kingdom in the upcoming war. When Kyle found out about this agreement, it changed his perspective on Tom. He thought that Tom really must have hated him for taking his spot in Crap Kingdom. So, when the war finally came around, Tom ended up fighting on Crap Kingdom's side. He thought, how could he turn his back on them like that? Kyle was glad he didn't. After all the hullabaloo, it came to the point where tom took a missile for Kyle. Not an arrow, not a bullet, but a missile. Good thing Kyle was able to use his magical powers to revive him. Only problem was, the king of Crap Kingdom didn't approve. He thought it was Jason, the other that soul that took over Tom's body when he wasn't there. This caused even more problems, but Kyle and Tom were able to convince the king that he should just accept it.
This book was surprisingly funny. Funnier than I expected. I really liked how at the beginning of the book h was complaining about his life and how he would like it more if it were worst. That amused me because I've never heard of or read about a character doing that. In most stories it seems like the characters are either pretty content with their lives or they want it to be better. I also liked that at one point it referenced a time in the story that happened a couple chapters back. It went in depth as to what really happened and how it started out. This was helpful to me, and hopefully other readers, because in the chapter before, it was very vague as to what went down. This left me in awe and drew me closer to this book. I always loved when stories made references to past events. To me, it makes the story more interesting. Some of the parts I disliked were only slight things that could be changed. It felt like some parts were just in there to look nice instead of serving a really purpose to the story. This was a small turn off because it made some parts feel boring to read. Makes you want to skip a few pages so you can get to the good part. This was really only thing I didn't like about this book. It was an excellent read overall. Some things that could have been changed to make it better would be a little more dialogue from characters. I didn't find much wrong with this book.
In Conclusion, This book is a fantastic read. I can honestly say this book has much to offer. Its minor downfall of stuffing unimportant details into certain parts of the story could easily be looked past. It has a solid plot, an excellent story, and a decent structure. I would definitely recommend this book to those who enjoy the comedic, small journal entry type, fantasy based books. Don’t know if there are many out like it, but this is definitely one of a kind.

[Peter Derk · Rating 3 out of 5]

Before you look at the description of this book DO NOT READ THE DESCRIPTION OF THIS BOOK. OR READ ABOUT IT ANYWHERE ELSE.

As the very beginning lines point out, Tom ends up in an alternate world kingdom thingy and is its chosen one, which is what he'd always hoped for. Buuuuuuut it turns out that the kingdom pretty much sucks.

It's a quick read, fun for people who like stuff like Zelda or have gotten a little tired of the whole thing where a guy falls into some stupid cabinet, ends up in a forest, and then has a magic sword all of a sudden.

The book has some twists and funny lines, and I honestly think I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't heard so much about it before. The book description spoils a pretty fun reveal that doesn't happen until over a hundred pages into the story.

This is partially my fault. I'm a fan of D.C. Pierson, especially his last book, The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep and Never Had To. And he recently made the podcast rounds and ended up on a few shows I listen to. Between those, I heard too much about the book.

It's a tough line. How much do you tell someone in order to get them interested in reading the book, and at what point do you start spoiling some of what makes it enjoyable? And what do you do if there's crossover between those two points?

It reminds me of when the Matrix came out. The movie was a big deal and everything, but what people sometimes forget is that the ad campaign, the trailers, told us almost nothing. And it still turned out to be a hit. I remember thinking, "Yeah, what the hell IS the Matrix?" Part of going was almost to see what it would turn out to be, and it was win-win because if it was great, it was great. If it sucked, we could all rejoice in Nerd Rage, one of the more potent forms of stress release.

Honestly, at this point I kind of wish that things were less outlined. The internet has opened up so many ways to find media we're interested in, I don't know that I need to be hand fed as much. When there's a movie coming out that I know I'm going to see (the latest Batman, for instance) I have to bend over backwards to avoid it completely before its release. Because even a brief trailer can really blow a lot of the fun. Jesus christ, bloggers, podcasters, and internet commentators are more responsible about not blowing the best parts than the creators are.

It's not Pierson's fault. He's got to sell books, and I'm betting that some of the things he did (writing the names of those who pre-ordered into wrap songs, making that same podcast circuit, and so on) had a lot more impact than a lot of traditional marketing does.

The real answer, just like with everything, is that I have to take responsibility for myself, I suppose. When it comes to books, video games, movies, whatever, I just have to try picking more with less information. Especially if I KNOW I'm going to read it.

Next book by Pierson, I'll just wait for it to hit the shelves.

[Casey Bryce · Rating 4 out of 5]

Crap Kingdom is a fun, gentle subversion of the conventional fantasy story—you know, the kind in which the hero finds himself in a mysterious land and destined to stop a terrible threat. And that's what Tom Parking wants—to escape his decent but mundane life and instead be the “chosen one” of an alternate world, one in which he can be a hero with a special purpose. The funny thing, though, is that he actually gets his wish, but perhaps one should be careful what he wishes for...

And the title sums up the rest. Tom's "kingdom" is not the usual fairy tale kind with sunny skies, glittering castles, and frolicking white unicorns. Rather, it's almost literally a junk heap, with a king who distrusts him, an indifferent populace, and a surprising lack of magic all around. Or so it seems.

D.C. Pierson's book is an unpredictable one. The plot bounces and twists in unexpected directions, constantly pushing its befuddled protagonist into circumstances both bewildering and bizarre. Indeed, the most predictable element is Tom himself, who regularly makes poor decisions despite being an overall decent guy.

It's all in good fun, however—Tom's reaction to his less than idyllic surroundings are probably no different than what anyone else's would be, and much of the story's humor is derived by the reader sympathizing with the character as he goes from one predicament to the next. In truth, Tom's "Crap Kingdom" is so crappy, it sometimes seems like Pierson is trying too hard to make his point just for the sake of a few more laughs. The narration of the story itself is also slightly obtrusive, sometimes over-explaining Tom's feelings and thoughts when less would have been more.

But the book succeeds for one reason—it's hard to put down. Readers will constantly wonder what will ultimately become of Tom, hopeful he might finally attain some measure of happiness or vindication. The author’s depictions of other lands and worlds, however fleeting, are also richly imaginative and inventive. It's just a pity the supporting cast never rises beyond their one-dimensional boundaries.

Crap Kingdom is a clever, worthy read bolstered by its believable protagonist. It lacks the sheer laughs of the funniest books out there and the epic qualities of the best fantasies, but for what it is, well, there's nothing else quite like it.

3.5 stars

[Sean · Rating 5 out of 5]

DC Pierson is one of the funniest guys out there. If you've listened to as many podcasts as I have, you'll know that he's incredibly witty and hilarious and so it should be no surprise that his new novel Crap Kingdom ​is a refreshing, fun book that hides a lot of meaning and depth inside a whimsical YA package.

Crap Kingdom tells the story of Tom Parking, a high school student in the middle of nowhere living an all too boring life. Even as a teen, Tom is having an existential crisis...he just wants to be part of something bigger than himself. He's no good at sports, and only OK in theatre, where he's trying to attract the attention of Lindsy, the hottest girl in the drama department.

All this yearning to be part of something comes to a head when he's approached by Gark, a resident of the Kingdom of Pffftthh (or whatever name it has, it sort of varies by the speaker). As it turns out, Tom is The Chosen One of the kingdom, only there's one problem. The kingdom in question is composed primarily of, well, crap: houses are made of tattered networks of old bed sheets, bars are housed in disused (but probably not properly cleaned out) portajohns...and to top it all off, the king appears to hate Tom from the start, causing Tom to wonder if the whole Chosen One thing is all it's cracked up to be.

The story that follows is bright and whimsical, and Pierson does a great job of making Tom into a likeable and believable character who is worth rooting for, even if he messes up almost every situation he's put into. The prose is clean and dialogue-heavy, but don't let that scare you off, since Pierson is skilled enough to propel the story forward without weighing things down with unneeded detail.

Pierson's brevity and sharpness is great for the most part, but in the end, I sort of wish the book was longer. The ending especially sort of feels rushed along, and there's a lot of explanation and info dumping in the last third of the book that I felt could have been given more time.

That being said, if my only complaint about the book is that it was too short for its own good, it means I enjoyed it greatly. Hopefully Pierson will return to the world of Tom Parking later on to give us more adventures in the Kingdom of Tphhhttthh (or whatever).​

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Crap Kingdom is one of the funniest books I've read in a while. I found the name a little off-putting and was unsure of how much I would really enjoy this novel, but D.C. Pierson caught my attention in the first paragraph with his humor and relatable writing.

The story centers around Tom Parking, a slacker who's into the drama club and very little else. Tom is also very relatable. Pierson did a fabulous job at developing this character to be sympathetic even when he's not very likeable. From Tom's desire to please his mother while trying to avoid doing any type of school work, to his crush on a girl in the drama club and his attitude toward his friends, stepping into Tom's view point is seamless. Pop culture references, like to The Daily Show, and Tom's funny observations about his world suck you into the story.

One night, after performing in a play, Tom is brought to a no-name kingdom on another world by Gark, who is clearly a fuck up. Gark pronounces Tom as his land's Chosen One, an honor Tom considers dubious at best. The kingdom is essentially made of repurposed junk (or, crap) from Earth and looks like some kind of shanty town or hovel. The attitude of its people is just as miserable and the kingdom keeps getting worse with each step Tom takes. When he's assigned to work in a rat snottery, Tom decides that being a hero just isn't for him...until he has a change of heart. Which sucks for him because at this point, a new Chosen One has been found and the kingdom doesn't want Tom back.

Everything about this book was an excellent read, although I felt that the ending was a little rushed. It wasn't bad, but it fell a little flat for me; not enough to ruin the read, but enough to make me mention it. The end is also set up so that more books in a series or companion novel could spring from the Crap Kingdom world.

So if you're sick of love triangles or the paranormal, and want a funny, quick read, pick up Crap Kingdom.

[Ken Feucht · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like Pierson's other book, "The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep (etc.)." This one was not as good. It has a celebrity endorsement calling it "hilarious" on the cover, and that certainly wasn't true. I got a few chuckles, but the comparisons to the "Hitchhiker' s Guide" are way overblown.

The main character is sold as being pretty pathetic, even though all outside input suggests he's well above average in ability and probably looks. At one point the girl of his dreams (whom he considers unattainable even though she flirts with him in the first chapter if the book) is throwing herself at him for sex. This is complicated because she has also been interacting with his body possessed by an entity who is not him, which raises a whole bunch of consent issues that are never really dealt with at all.

He also has a best friend who apparently exists to make him feel bad about himself and be able to make sports references because he's not a sports guy. Then his friend becomes his enemy because he took a job the main character turned down and the friend proves to be better at. But not really. Because even though He's jealous, he also accepts that the friend is doing a better job, and the friend remains super nice to him.

The "other side" is not at all fleshed out. There's the titular "Crap Kingdom" with food is characters with funny sounding names and then some luck dragons or something, and then there's a war and a short chapter late in the game that explains that whole history of what's going on, but not really.

Then the book ends with an out of nowhere reveal that sets up another book that I'll never read because this one wasn't that good.

[Janine · Rating 3 out of 5]

when I first started this audiobook, I wasn't too sure of it. the narration was awesome, but I didn't know if I liked the writing itself.

as the story moved along, however, I found myself really enjoying it. I loved the way the story took the fantasy tropes of "the chosen one" and the Magical Kingdom and kind of turned them on their heads. I also really appreciated that Tom, the main character, was really just pretty average. he didn't have a terrible life, and he wasn't Mr. Popular. I liked his inexperience and naiveté. it felt honest to me. I also really appreciated that Tom never TRIED to be someone or something that he wasn't, the way so many teenage protagonists seem to.

Anyway, despite my reluctance early on, I really grew to enjoy the story and like Tom and his adventures. I also enjoyed that the author/narrator sounded an awful lot like Nathan Filion when he voiced the king of Crap Kingdom. that is never a bad thing :-)

[Debbie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unfortunately, I only made it to the halfway point before I had to put this book down. Tom is one funny character who I could easily relate to and I think he was the only reason I kept reading. Crap kingdom is funny but it's so much of a satire that it all felt like a joke that quickly got boring. Towards most of the story, I felt apathetic and bored and the world building is very two dimensional. If only the story wasn't so very contrived, it could have been a great novel.

[Becky · Rating 3 out of 5]

Crap Kingdom is a funny book with a relatable MC but it kind of falls flat in the end. In the middle of the book it was doing more plot-wise than I expected; I thought it was going to continue with the soul-swapping stuff, and I wish it had.

[Charlos · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5: Funny at times, but lacking the charm that would make it something that would endure. I think the author doing all voices was a bad choice: not that all his reading is bad, but it lacked variety.

[Megan Tabler · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible book!!!!!!

[Marsha · Rating 3 out of 5]

A neat skewing of the Chosen One genre, this novel centers squarely on its average protagonist-manqué and manages to make us sorry for him, rooting for him and absolutely fed up with his self-absorbed behavior, often at the same time.

Tom Parking is living a good life. He’s got a mom who loves him, food on the table, loads of clothes and decent schooling. But he yearns to be thrust into the fantasy novels he read as a kid. As it turns out, he didn’t really delve into those novels. He never finished The Fellowship of the Ring, for goodness sakes, and that’s a classic. Tom comes off as a tad ungrateful for the life he’s living, even though children in Third World countries would give their dubious health to be living it. Then he gets thrust into a different world where he is the CHOSEN ONE—and that turns out to be a disappointment as well.

He’s the sort who can put in 100% but only when he’s really really incentivized to do it. He’s not a bad kid; he just can’t put in the effort. Even speaking up is a problem for him. Think of the story of the “The Tortoise and the Hare”. The tortoise challenges the boastful hare to a race. When the hare gets far ahead of the tortoise, it thinks it can slack off and take a nap. But the warmth of the sun, its own overconfidence and the lengthy head start undoes the hare. The tortoise continues plodding along and finishes before the lazy hare does. The hare is Tom is a nutshell.

Tom is a waffler, a moper, a loser with females and yet quick to leap out of a situation where he’s got the girl on the bed and her feet on the mantelpiece. When someone else gets the Chosen One gig instead of him, he doesn’t even manage to snare the role of the plucky sidekick. What are you to do with a wishy-washy hero like this?

The story of how Tom (sort of) rises to the occasion, gets the girl, saves worlds and plays the hero (finally!) is convoluted, wry and dosed with monstrous beasts, costumed princesses, junky buildings, mopey citizens and the occasional bit of nudity. Having read a previous D.C. Pierson novel with a similarly disaffected protagonist, I was well prepared for the sloppy mess that is Tom Parking. If average Joes are your bag, this is the kind of novel you’ll vastly appreciate.

[Abi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, I bought this book today at the first library sale I've been to in years, yay. I bought eight books (for less than twenty dollars!) and there were two that I hadn't read. I took the opportunity to pick up the others cheaply. At any rate, I read the book today, telling myself that I wouldn't end up reading it unless I did it right then.

I mostly enjoyed Crap Kingdom. I think the cover is great, and the idea is, too. Tom, the main character, has a very authentic teenage voice. He's fifteen, and he acts like it. I could completely relate to his wanting to be a Chosen One. I mean, books like those are eighty percent of what I read!

The book pulled me in at page one. I liked Tom - like I said, he felt very real. I liked the plot, too. It was interesting, and I felt bad for Tom when he was replaced by Kyle. Kyle, I liked. He was an alright guy, but not the best friend to Tom, and I think that both of them should have actually talked more.

While I generally enjoyed the main character and the plot of the book, I did think the world building was weak, and some of the situations could have been executed better. The book was entertaining, so that was nice. The humor fell flat for me in some places - it did feel forced, and a lot of the characters had very little fleshing out, which also bugged me.

3.5 stars. I have mixed feelings, but ultimately enjoyed this book. Apologies for the jumbled review.

[Kyle Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard about this book when the author, a comedian, was on Doug Loves Movies. The pitch drew me in right away: "Kid is the chosen one who discovers that the magical land he's supposed to save is complete garbage- literally and figuratively. So he rejects it." And the actual book delivers on that premise. It's a very smart deconstruction of the young adult tropes of "the chosen one" and "the savior child of unfathomable power." The characters are well-developed and relatable-- I suspect if I was a drama geek in school it would be even more so. And the story is crisp and simple, sticking true to it's core ideas. But interwoven through all of it is a clever undermining of the reader's expectations of young adult adventures, without sacrificing a good young adult adventure. My only criticism was that it was too short and fast moving. I suspect the author had much more material developing the world of "Crap Kingdom" but was forced to cut stuff to make it a standard "YA length" novel. However, that's a bit of a shame because I would have liked to learn more of it and let the characters breath. However, that's a slight complaint. Great book.

[Ana Rancel · Rating 2 out of 5]

No offense to the author, but...well, when you name a book Crap Kingdom, you're going to write a crap story. Controlling every willpower in me to be annoyed af and tryingggg to be objective, here's my take.

This book is good for someone who doesn't like to read. As in, you don't care about structure, character development, world-building, or organization. You just want to have fun and go on a chaotic adventure where you have no idea where you're going or why shit is happening.

This book is total ultimate super powered trash with a messed up plot and the stupidest characters. This book is as fun as a spinning rollercoaster after eating caramel apples and nachos drenched in nacho cheese and puking all over the seat.

[Joshua · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a fine early novel - I would have guessed first but apparently it’s his second. Our main character is the kind of inertia-plagued self-doubting guy I relate to on a cellular level. His story is unique, too. What if you were the chosen one in a fantasy kingdom that kinda sucks?

The trouble here is pacing. The first three quarters sets up a big world with big ideas and possibilities…leaving only 50 pages to actually explore them. It gets very busy at the end and leaves a distinctly unfinished feeling.

It’s hard to rate something down when I’d happily read more of it, but it does feel incomplete.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. There were some funny parts and a couple of good serious-edged lines, but overall it didn't quite make it; I wasn't quite as engaged as I'd hoped to be, and it definitely wasn't as funny as Pratchett (though, granted, that's setting the bar pretty high). The story seemed to lose its way and wander around in the middle, and the ending was a touch abrupt. Though it wrapped things up (leaving room for possible sequels without being a cliffhanger), it wrapped up too quick and tidy, so it didn't feel right.

[Ben Meek · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had a really hard time getting into this book. It didn't really get exciting until almost the very end. The main character is kind of lame, which fits the title but almost makes you wish the book was about one of the other characters. Pretty cool idea, and it did make me laugh a few times.

[Janice Albert · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good teen book

[Ian · Rating 3 out of 5]

The protagonist and the premise are so keenly observed that I feel attacked. But the third act has a REAL ugly meltdown, which makes me feel superior, so I guess it all evens out.

[Jacob Cooper · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really bad read!

[Kerri1975 · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars

[Edward ott · Rating 4 out of 5]

You are the chosen one. Chosen by who to fo what, well that you have to discover on your own.

[Y · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75 stars.

[John Beyer · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was crap but there was a good line, “Tom didn’t know where to start. But he knew that not knowing where to start should not prevent him from starting.”

[Travis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Tom Parking is an ordinary teenage guy. He goes to school, hangs out with friends, eats dinner, does his homework, and goes to bed. Rinse and repeat. For Tom, though, his regular, happy life is just a bit too perfect. Kids like Tom are never destined to be the “Chosen One” for some magical kingdom. That role is typically reserved for the kids that spend their home-life locked in a closet. At least that’s what Tom thinks until he meets Gark, a strange man sent to reveal Tom’s true destiny – but not until after Gark kidnaps him, forces him into a clothing donation box in front of K-mart, and nearly sets him on fire with a flame spell. To Gark’s credit, the donation box is actually a portal into a magical kingdom. Unfortunately for Tom, the magical kingdom is a nameless land of garbage and despair, where the locals recently discovered the wonders of clothing, live in Earth’s garbage, and have native magic that consists of making people smell farts. Tom holds hope that there may be more to this kingdom, but after learning that the king’s job is simply to keep his subject’s in a constant state of pessimism, since tomorrow can’t possibly be better than today, Tom loses hope. He doesn’t think he wants to be the Chosen One of the land he calls “Crap Kingdom.” So, the kingdom chooses his best friend, Kyle, instead. When Tom gets jealous of his friend’s positive efforts and gets banned from the kingdom, he realizes he threw away the chance of a lifetime.

Crap Kingdom is filled with laugh out loud moments, mostly because of the way Pierson puts Tom into a number of very relatable (and often awkward) situations. Pierson does a nice job incorporating a realistic adolescent male experience into a fantasy novel. As a guy, and an avid fantasy reader, it’s nice to be able to relate to a male protagonist. Tom isn’t simply tossed into some struggle in a magical kingdom; he fumbles with schoolwork, his crush, jealousy over his best friend, and the moral consequences of his choice. It’s also a genuinely fun spin on the high fantasy clichés. The problem is that the book starts off really slow. The majority of the novel is exposition, and the antagonists are only mentioned in passing until they show up in the last quarter of the novel. Like Tom, the reader doesn’t actually realize what the protagonist’s purpose actually is. Tom’s struggle is with his personal life, not with some dark lord or evil empire – at least not until the end of the book. It’s also a fresh concept to write a fantasy novel about the real-world problems, and Pierson still manages to create a very imaginative universe filled with fantastic elements. It just happens that those elements consist of mustache-wearing princesses, drinking from toilets, and working the nostril probes in the rat-snottery.

As fresh and funny as the novel is, however, it’s still not as funny as I initially hoped. Maybe, like Tom seeing the nameless kingdom for the first time, I went into the book with my hopes a bit too high, excited by the positive reviews from some of my favorite stand-up comedians on the back cover. It’s still funny, though, and the payoff is worth it in the end. The novel shows the Pierson has the capacity to write realistic experiences in a humorous manner, as well as imaginative fantasy and well-organized action sequences. Fortunately, the novel is both short and enjoyable enough to merit reading. I would recommend this book to teenage guys and fantasy fans looking for a fun spoof of the average fantasy read.

[Anna-Lara · Rating 2 out of 5]

My review from The Bookstitutes

So when I saw this book in Barnes and Noble, I thought the title sounded fun, the cover was clever, and the inside cover copy hinted at a fun parody of fantasy books. Let's just say that Crap Kingdom kind of lives up to the name.

First of all there's Tom, the main character, who is so pessimistic and self-entitled when it comes to being a "chosen one" that he drags the pace of the book down. In the first few pages I thought, "Well he seems kind of snarky and funny. He's clearly crushing on this girl and has no life. This'll be fun." However, just a little ways into the book, Tom becomes downright annoying. It was just like the first line of C.S. Lewis' The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: "There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." Basically meaning: Tom Parking is annoying and dull. The voice is clever, at times, but the character himself falls flat.

All Tom has ever wanted is to be the chosen one of a fantastical world. He wants magic powers and all that goes with it. Of course, like most kids, he knows that magical worlds aren't real and his fantasy will never be realized. However most kids don't get all down-in-the-dumps about not being able to be a chosen one. Then it happens: Tom is the chosen one of a magical world. And what does he think about it? The self-entitled little snot is upset because the world isn't all he dreamed it would be. So instead he decides to go back home and quit the chosen one gig.

That's the first HALF of the book. That means that by the time you're done reading 50% of this book, nothing has really happened. The more frustrating thing is that there are lots of Chekhov's guns that appear and then get tossed aside, like, "Just kidding, that's not actually important." One of these is when the princess of this magical land tells Tom about some big conspiracy with her father. As a reader, I was thinking, "Yes! We're finally getting somewhere!" And then she turned around and laughed and said the whole thing was a joke she'd thought up. There wasn't any real conspiracy. And then we were back at square one plot wise.

Of course the only interesting character who comes along is Kyle. For the first half of the book we know next to nothing about Tom, his personal life, his interests, his family, or his past. We have no reason to empathize with him, and his griping just makes him annoying. Then comes Kyle. We finally get a glimpse into Tom's jealousy of his best friend and Kyle becomes a key player. Finally, 40% of the way through the book (according to my Kindle) tension starts to build.

So overall, I'd say this: don't waste your time on Crap Kingdom. There are no laugh-out-loud funny moments like you might expect there to be. The main character is not that interesting. When the fantasy stuff really gets going, it's pretty lackluster. The whole time I wanted the author to take a crappy kingdom and use it to parody fantasy is some hilarious way - he failed to do so.