I'm nervous about writing a review about Fires on the Plain. There's a good chance I'm going to feel stupid and guilty about this after the fact (stopping in my tracks to feel hazy hot stupidity on my face. "I'm an idiot! And what does it all MEAN?!"). Why can't I be a useful reviewer, at least once? So this book is amazing. It deserves serious thought. I'm a hard thinker (it's not that), it's just that I'm a deeply confused individual, as I said. So Fires on the Plain is about the infrastructure wars (I definitely don't understand politics) going down in the Phillipines during world war II (Japanese occupation, losing the war, the coming of Americans, facts blah blah. People died and went through THIS shit and more). How much it fucking sucks to be a soldier (and more!). Death. Loneliness. The meaning of those words like the REAL meaning of the words, like how pain is only remembered truly while you are feeling pain. When it happens again?" I remember this. This is pain." No fucking shit. How could you forget? The account of the so-called insane Private Tamura is amputated pain insanity.
My mom was always fond of saying, "Life is tough all over." Or some "Shit out of luck" cliches. Um, this stuff? Not all that inevitable. It didn't HAVE to happen. This mental, health, social, godlike survival... Okay. Shit happens in life. Being a soldier? It's not a "Goes with the territory" book. Right fucking on. That's really important information about a book about war, in my opinion. What the hell are boundary lines? Country lines? (Lines get erased.) (Excuse me now if I color outside the lines.)
I want to share what is not about "war". Loneliness and insanity. The parts that resonated with me like those back and forth loops of songs that mean a whole fucking lot without changing a damned thing. I'm all about emotional "reality", y'see. I've got this half assed way of describing my hazy at best grasp of spirituality and religion: my Star Wars Buddhism. Yes. I'm an idiot (read my ramblings at your own peril). But what about meeeeee? I lost my way (so long ago I can't even remember) when I was not a pure Jedi. Confusion again. Emotional "reality". Fires on the Plain is, for me, one of those rare moments when it gets to be more than that. The way in the mirage horizons? Through the trees? The babbling brooks? Listen...
Throughout this "review" I will post of some of (I have loads more marked off) my favorite passages for my own memory's sake, hopefully backing up my confused ramblings. I still try to protect my future mental trains by trying to keep hold of what I barely can chase after now. I pretty much consider a favorite any book that makes me feel like I might get that goosebumpy mental trains feeling in the future. (Perfect for lying alone in the dark at night and trying to feel some kind of meaning about anything....) Before I lose it forever and it becomes lost to my galaxy far, far away...
D'oh! Private Tamura is a soldier. He's forced to go back and forth between his camp and the hospital. Neither will take him. Basically he's either to kill himself or... well, he's to kill himself. No one will really come out and say it. Who can afford humanity anymore?
"Again was it not this same presentiment of death that made it seem so strange to me now that I should never again walk along this path in the Philippine forest? In our own country, even in the most distant or inacessible part, this feeling of strangeness never comes to us, because subconciously we know that there is always a possibility of our returning there in the future. Does not our entire life-feeling depend upon this inherent assumption that we can repeat indefinitely what we are doing at the moment?"
This right here. I knew this book was going to be special to me. I'm always trying to hold onto my moments in time, like a freeze frame of my connectedness to what the hell is around me. Or if something good happens. I'll think, "This moment right here: I'm going to wish it was this moment and I could live it all over again." I"ll get caught up trying to memorize stuff for future pinings for what I'm currently living (I'm nuts, probably). Hell yes, I get this strangeness. I'm afraid of what will not be repeated to. Mortality... Trying to make some kind of a "This is important" land mark in memory of anything that happens? Your own history stuff.
"Now if, as a result of cowardice or of introspection, this solid carapace of meaninglessness should crack, what is revealed beneath is something even more meaningingless for living men: it is, in fine, a presentiment of death."
I do have this kinda bizarre envy of Judaism that I don't really understand (not being especially enlightened). Half fear 'cause of owing people who came before anything. I'm so jealous of the connected part. If there was a way to feel like you belong without the responsibility! Fires on the Plain echoes this feeling. Holy cow. I wasn't expecting that. This is a religious book for the lonely without a sure God...
"I wanted to say that I had come, not to be admitted to the hospital, but simply in the hope of joining the squatters. The words stuck in my throat as I realized what had originally been an interest had, during my solitary walk through the forests and plains, become a necessity. I could not tell him how desperate I was to belong once more to a group of living people."
Dead man walking...
"Now that I was one of them, however, I found to my surprise that there was a certain self-contained calm about these men. It was clear from their expressions that each was guarding his own private personality, that each had his individual needs and moreover a spirit which still strove to tackle these needs. Even their movements, which from the ward had seemed so pointless, now began to acquire a meaning."
I know I've said that this book is about a whole lot of everything: personal hells. I don't know if this is really a survival story more than a... life until death? You can't survive forever. Take your definitions of all the possible hells and REMEMBER that echo of pain. The fear of it happening again is another layer of hell.
"And now I perceived that it was just because the sky was likewise unattainable that I so yearned for it. It was not because I was still alive that I clung to the notion of life, but because I was already dead."
"Everyone in the world, my past self included, lived under a constant illusion of repetition. Only I, as I headed toward death, no longer believed that I would repeat the present. This conviction lent me a new sense of daring."
"Just as repetition was inherent in nature, so, I now realized, should it exist in human life. My life in the mountains had fitted into a regular cycle, but when I had come down to the village I had broken that cycle. As a result, I had killed an innocent Filipino woman. To be sure, it had been an accident; yet if the accident had arisen from my breaking a cycle, then I could hardly disclaim responsibility."
The murder of the Filipino woman was an accident as much as it could be an accident to travel to another country and aim weapons at other people. Tamura felt no will to cross that ocean and kill anybody. Yet he felt no will to not kill anyone. The right hand versus left hand sides of brain versus pendulum of mental hells swinging was fascinating. I've never been in that situation. I couldn't help but stare off into space and wonder what I would have done if I had been him. (I live in a time and country where females are not required to fight in war. If for no other reason I was always sooo glad to be born a female. Still, in my unstoppable mental trains of "What ifs?" I can't answer the question to myself what I'd really do, if I were him. What if you can't answer the questions of what you DID do?)
"I was lonely. I was terrifyingly lonely. Why did I have to return to the mountains harboring this loneliness? This was the path I had thought last night I would never pass again. That I should be walking along it now in the opposite direction seemed even stranger than had the idea of not seeing it again."
I'm fixated a bit on this fate feeling that Fires on the Plain had because of his walks in the forest and mountains. Doomed to repeat? Walk the same steps?
"Then in the distance across the dark fields I saw a flame. With the rainy season, the fireflies had long since disappeared. What then could this be? The flame flickered, now brightly, now dimly, and sometimes it glowed like a halo, as if it had sunk deep into water. I was frightened by this flame. for in my heart I, too, carried a flame."
If my brain weren't a miserable haze of stupidity I constantly fight through to figure shit out... I guess I'd call passion and strong feelings the flame in the heart. This is why I'm retarded enough to have my Star Wars buddhism. Nature and the feeling of hot and cold are reminders of life and history outside (duh it is outside! Dumb, Mariel). Horizons become actual horizons to something. I hope I don't sound totally fruit cakey.
"Then a strange thing took place: I found that my left hand was firmly grasping the wrist of my right hand, the wrist that held my bayonet. This odd movement of my left hand was to become an ingrained habit: whenever I was about to eat something that I should not eat, my left hand would spring forward of its own accord; it would seize the wrist of the hand holding the fork and clasp it firmly until my errant appetite hand vanished. I became so used to this habit that it seemed quite normal. At the time I felt that this living left hand of mine actually belonged to someone else."
Yes! I can't get enough of physical abstractions of mental shit. This is my kind of shit. His new universe is still not an all new universe. Eating the flesh of dead people? Sure, do what you gotta do. When in the jungle, do as Sher Kahn would do. Buuuut.... You're still you. Snakes go through a bit more to shed those skins.
"Everything was looking at me. The hill at the end of the plain gazed at me, revealing only that part of its body which lay above its breast. The trees vied with each other in coquetry to capture my attention. Even the blades of grass, decked with raindrops, raised their heads in greeting, or again, drooping their slender bodies, turned their faces in my direction."
"My left side understood: it understood that though I had until now not hesitated to eat plants and bark and roots and leaves, it was in fact more wrong to eat these than dead people. For these were living things."
"The voice rose, opening up like a funnel above the flowers; it seemed to come from the flower-filled space above me. So this was God!"
"Part of my body- the left-hand part- soared into the sky with the heron. I felt that my soul had left me and that I could no longer pray; now my right side was free to act as it wished."
I just liked all of those (pretty much for the same reasons I tried to say already).
"No one in the future can make me do what is hateful to me...."
If only...
"But if I am an angel of God, why am I so grieved? Why is this heart of mine, which should now be free of all earthly attachments, so full of uneasiness and fear? I must make no mistake...."
Fires on the Plain is one of those relationship feelings like you try to convince yourself you are over someone and you aren't. Sometimes it feels possible that there's new life out of destruction. It's really kinda convincing yourself it doesn't hurt. Bite down hard! This relationship is with humanity. The break fucking hurts. I'm fascinated with the inner humanity, the society kind of humanity, what one can live with themselves and what one can't. It's not all war. I really wish I could have articulated better what all of that is in THIS book but I'm one of those half convincers types myself. There are more productive members of the goodreads society, never fear. Carry the flame!
I wish I belonged to a group of people. At least I've got goosebumps over walking those life steps. (Told you I was retarded.)
P.s. I have the dvd of the film and I'm going to watch it soon. (May 2012 edit: I never watched it. I lied last year. I didn't mean to!)