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How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and courageous person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:
• Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
• Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
• Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
• Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
• Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.
This audiobook provides deep insight on many practical topics, including how to move beyond a painful childhood, how to look for an appropriate partner, how to attract and recognize adult love, how to negotiate conflicts, how to maintain personal boundaries, how to break up mindfully, and how to get over a breakup. Each chapter also concludes with useful exercises for putting the five A's into practice. 8 CDs, abridged. Running time 9 1/2 hours.
• Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
• Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
• Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
• Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
• Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.
When properly understood and applied, these five simple concepts—what Richo calls the five A's—form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By focusing on the Five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation. Richo encourages us to work on relationships using two basic approaches. First, we can explore our relationships from the point of view of Western psychotherapy, which means identifying any self-defeating patterns and uncovering their sources. This usually involves acknowledging and exploring any emotional wounds we may have experienced in childhood. Second, we can make a commitment to cultivate mindfulness—with the goal of learning to be with life just as it is. Taken together, these two approaches create a perfect balance between working on ourselves and developing a deep acceptance of ourselves and others.
This audiobook provides deep insight on many practical topics, including how to move beyond a painful childhood, how to look for an appropriate partner, how to attract and recognize adult love, how to negotiate conflicts, how to maintain personal boundaries, how to break up mindfully, and how to get over a breakup. Each chapter also concludes with useful exercises for putting the five A's into practice. 8 CDs, abridged. Running time 9 1/2 hours.
1 pages, Audio CD
First published June 18, 2002
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About the author
David Richo
89 books540 followersDavid Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
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January 3, 2011
This is an excellent book, but it's one to take some time with. Richo's writing is eloquent and right-on, but it can also be a bit dense at times. This is the kind of book to have going at the same time that you're reading other things. It's good to come back to when you're feeling calm, soft, and able to focus. The practices at the end of each chapter are excellent, and they require a lot of deep internal work. I think that if you did all of the practices in this book and really took it slowly, it would be like doing 6 months of therapy.... maybe. It's that kind of deep, tender work that has to happen slowly so that the rest of your being has time to adjust and to change.
Richo's theme is "the 5 A's." He states the importance of attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing in relationships. If we received the 5 A's adequately (or, ideally, more than adequately) in our childhood, then we are able to shower our adult partner and friends with them generously. If we didn't receive the 5 A's adequately.... well, then we have work to do. Good work, of course, but work that involves a lot of grief and a lot of opening up to vulnerability.
Here are some of my favorite quotes from his book (there were a lot.... he is an excellent writer and was able to put difficult feelings and experiences very precisely and gracefully into clear words):
"To love is to become loving." (p. 28)
"Psychologically healthy adults come from a background of flexibility, not severity." (p. 37)
"Practice does not mean forcing yourself to improve but trusting your potential to open." (p. 42)
"'They did it for my own good' is collaboration in the abuse." (p. 58) >> read Alice Miller for more on this
"Love is indeed a journey from aloneness through closeness and opposition into communion." (p. 69)
"When we tolerate not having our needs met fully, fear turns to vulnerability and a more generous love awakens in us." (p. 82)
"Human experience occurs only in a relational context, and specific conflicts from our past are excavated in relationships. As a result of relating to an adult partner, we can remember our life with our parents more vividly than we ever thought possible. In the conflict phase, in fact, we cannot help but meet up with the revenants of early life. This is the phase in which we hear ourselves saying to our partner and our children the very words we heard our parents say to us long ago. This is when we carefully train our partner to help us reenact our earliest and most bitter disappointments, hurts, and losses. In this phase we instinctively bring up the issues we are now ready to grieve and reenact the past to show what happened to us and to master it with the mirroring help of someone we trust. Every passing moment in a conflicted relationship dispossesses us of our illusions, as the psyche continually adjusts itself to newly revealed truths." (p. 127)
"We move from the extreme of romance to the extreme of contention in order to reach the center of commitment." (p. 127)
"Spirituality is not about transcendence of the world but deeper involvement in it." (p. 186)
"A commitment is to workability." (p. 227)
"Grief is a path to the virtue of compassion and to world progress, something that retaliation has never been able to effect." (p. 262)
Richo's theme is "the 5 A's." He states the importance of attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing in relationships. If we received the 5 A's adequately (or, ideally, more than adequately) in our childhood, then we are able to shower our adult partner and friends with them generously. If we didn't receive the 5 A's adequately.... well, then we have work to do. Good work, of course, but work that involves a lot of grief and a lot of opening up to vulnerability.
Here are some of my favorite quotes from his book (there were a lot.... he is an excellent writer and was able to put difficult feelings and experiences very precisely and gracefully into clear words):
"To love is to become loving." (p. 28)
"Psychologically healthy adults come from a background of flexibility, not severity." (p. 37)
"Practice does not mean forcing yourself to improve but trusting your potential to open." (p. 42)
"'They did it for my own good' is collaboration in the abuse." (p. 58) >> read Alice Miller for more on this
"Love is indeed a journey from aloneness through closeness and opposition into communion." (p. 69)
"When we tolerate not having our needs met fully, fear turns to vulnerability and a more generous love awakens in us." (p. 82)
"Human experience occurs only in a relational context, and specific conflicts from our past are excavated in relationships. As a result of relating to an adult partner, we can remember our life with our parents more vividly than we ever thought possible. In the conflict phase, in fact, we cannot help but meet up with the revenants of early life. This is the phase in which we hear ourselves saying to our partner and our children the very words we heard our parents say to us long ago. This is when we carefully train our partner to help us reenact our earliest and most bitter disappointments, hurts, and losses. In this phase we instinctively bring up the issues we are now ready to grieve and reenact the past to show what happened to us and to master it with the mirroring help of someone we trust. Every passing moment in a conflicted relationship dispossesses us of our illusions, as the psyche continually adjusts itself to newly revealed truths." (p. 127)
"We move from the extreme of romance to the extreme of contention in order to reach the center of commitment." (p. 127)
"Spirituality is not about transcendence of the world but deeper involvement in it." (p. 186)
"A commitment is to workability." (p. 227)
"Grief is a path to the virtue of compassion and to world progress, something that retaliation has never been able to effect." (p. 262)
January 27, 2011
Every radical queer i know should read this book, and everyone else too. The ways we act in relationships (in romance, friendship, house shares, community, etc) need to be as strong as our political analyses.
The Five Keys to Mindful Loving:
Attention
Acceptance
Appreciation
Affection
Allowing
What gets in the way:
Fear
Desire for our demands/expectations to be met on our terms
Judgment
Control
Illusion
David Richo is feminist-identified and GLBT-friendly, but he lacks a radical queer politic. Sometimes he privileges heteronormative gender roles and nuclear families, and he's not particularly poly or sex work posi. HOWEVER, his personal life/investments do not interfere with the 5 keys, which shows how strong and important they are.
The Five Keys to Mindful Loving:
Attention
Acceptance
Appreciation
Affection
Allowing
What gets in the way:
Fear
Desire for our demands/expectations to be met on our terms
Judgment
Control
Illusion
David Richo is feminist-identified and GLBT-friendly, but he lacks a radical queer politic. Sometimes he privileges heteronormative gender roles and nuclear families, and he's not particularly poly or sex work posi. HOWEVER, his personal life/investments do not interfere with the 5 keys, which shows how strong and important they are.
Read
November 9, 2013I typically eschew books like these, the self help/improvement category. But this one was offered when I was down and unable to fend it off. Sorry, Emma! I know I've always refused them from you, the few times you'd gently proffered them, using various excuses but basically boiling down to the fact that I find myself unable to retain what I read from them because I find them eyerolling. And boring. Maybe it was okay this time because I've aged and my taste has changed, like how eggs and potatoes made me gag as a child and now I could eat coops and fields of them?
I can't quite gulp these books down yet, and the spiritual bits don't do much for me, but a read/skim pulled out good and sensible ways of viewing a particular situation that weighs me down. Much of these are things I know (I know I know I knooooow already) but blank out in distress. Some of it was enlightening, putting working terms to things that I could sense but not grasp. I learned that I am nearly completely described by the group of characteristics falling under Fear of Abandonment, down to being the one to leave, although without realizing it was me. I also learned that I'm not as screwed up as I'd feared, judging from the issues and cautions discussed in the book. Self back pat!
This has been a year of ups and downs. There's still time for up. Come on, year. Work with me.
I can't quite gulp these books down yet, and the spiritual bits don't do much for me, but a read/skim pulled out good and sensible ways of viewing a particular situation that weighs me down. Much of these are things I know (I know I know I knooooow already) but blank out in distress. Some of it was enlightening, putting working terms to things that I could sense but not grasp. I learned that I am nearly completely described by the group of characteristics falling under Fear of Abandonment, down to being the one to leave, although without realizing it was me. I also learned that I'm not as screwed up as I'd feared, judging from the issues and cautions discussed in the book. Self back pat!
This has been a year of ups and downs. There's still time for up. Come on, year. Work with me.
February 5, 2014
There were many times at uni where I had to write long essays. I remember being really excited about some of the topics, as I'd have some brilliant points to make, but then I'd look at the word limit and think 'there's no way I can pad these points out that far'. So, I'd draw on my ability to write copious amounts of crap and I would search through books from all genres to find random quotes that I could use. I'll also admit (given the world of goodreads is so private) to letting my ego get the best of me, and trying to find random quotes from pseudo intellectual pretentious sources just so the essay would look really good, and I'd come off sounding so well read and clever for being able to link all these sources together. Of course, sometimes it worked, sometimes it failed...
To me, this book is a lot like that. Condensed down to it's essence, it's a 4.5 star book, some of the concepts really do gel, and it's a book that in parts has led me to have good discussions about how people relate in relationships, the impact of childhood needs and wants on your current relationship, and it was also insightful as to ways to parent and it has made me spend time thinking about how I apply, and could better apply, the 5 A's to my parenting style as well as relationship style. Some of the practice sections were also really interesting and potentially helpful. However all of this is, unfortunately, obscured, by superfluous language, unwieldy sentences, and a frustrating reliance on quotes from totally random sources, which while sometimes apt, many times just feel like padding. It needs a really really good editing, but I fear then that there would be issues in meeting the word limit!
So if this were a short 30-50 page book, filled with the gems which it really does contain, it'd be something I'd reread over and over. As it is, it was somewhat painful and drawn out to read, which is a shame.
To me, this book is a lot like that. Condensed down to it's essence, it's a 4.5 star book, some of the concepts really do gel, and it's a book that in parts has led me to have good discussions about how people relate in relationships, the impact of childhood needs and wants on your current relationship, and it was also insightful as to ways to parent and it has made me spend time thinking about how I apply, and could better apply, the 5 A's to my parenting style as well as relationship style. Some of the practice sections were also really interesting and potentially helpful. However all of this is, unfortunately, obscured, by superfluous language, unwieldy sentences, and a frustrating reliance on quotes from totally random sources, which while sometimes apt, many times just feel like padding. It needs a really really good editing, but I fear then that there would be issues in meeting the word limit!
So if this were a short 30-50 page book, filled with the gems which it really does contain, it'd be something I'd reread over and over. As it is, it was somewhat painful and drawn out to read, which is a shame.
December 2, 2013
I hate this book.
There, I said it. Now that this is out of the way, let me also say that this is a good book, and that I do recommend it, will probably recommend it to patients and friends, and I will eventually (and hopefully) get back to it and do some of the practices in it, when I am in a relationship again. So, why do I hate it?
It is naïve and presumptuous; it assumes and espouses values and philosophies I disagree with (notably Buddhism and monogamy), the editorial work is moderately sloppy and inconsiderate, and the way the affirmations and theoretical premises are presented is often sanctimonious and poorly supported by the theory.
However, given that relationships are a hot topic for me, that my track record in them is notorious for its many mishaps, that I've been in therapy for four years trying to sort them out, and that I recognize myself in many of the examples the author gives for ego-driven, unenlightened behaviour in relationships, I also fully acknowledge that my opinions about this book partly reflect my resistance to how it challenges and mirrors me.
Altogether a challenging read for me. I recognize its value, but I can also appreciate its potential usefulness, especially some of the practices it offers.
There, I said it. Now that this is out of the way, let me also say that this is a good book, and that I do recommend it, will probably recommend it to patients and friends, and I will eventually (and hopefully) get back to it and do some of the practices in it, when I am in a relationship again. So, why do I hate it?
It is naïve and presumptuous; it assumes and espouses values and philosophies I disagree with (notably Buddhism and monogamy), the editorial work is moderately sloppy and inconsiderate, and the way the affirmations and theoretical premises are presented is often sanctimonious and poorly supported by the theory.
However, given that relationships are a hot topic for me, that my track record in them is notorious for its many mishaps, that I've been in therapy for four years trying to sort them out, and that I recognize myself in many of the examples the author gives for ego-driven, unenlightened behaviour in relationships, I also fully acknowledge that my opinions about this book partly reflect my resistance to how it challenges and mirrors me.
Altogether a challenging read for me. I recognize its value, but I can also appreciate its potential usefulness, especially some of the practices it offers.
March 6, 2016
I was truly torn on how many stars to give. I would say that this book would be essential reading for anyone who's in or wants to be in a relationship, as there are a lot of gems in it. Unfortunately, to get to them, you have to be willing to slog through an inordinate amount of excess rhetoric. Where was the editor on this book??
Our first indication that this book needs some fat trimmed is on the cover. Its utterly condescending main title "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" is not actually what this book is about, and I don't think the author intended to condescend (though interestingly, one of his points in the book is that intentions matter not--it's how the words or actions make us feel--and this title did NOT make me feel good as a reader!). The book is actually about "The Five Keys to Mindful (and Mature) Loving." The title should have started and ended there.
Throughout the book, I found myself having to read and then re-read sentences to understand what the heck the author was trying to say. I didn't want to have to work that hard. I tried to skim, but found it un-skimmable to truly capture all the good ideas contained within. Even some of the "practical exercises" were incomprehensible on the first (and second) read.
I would love for someone to re-write this book in half the number of pages (minus all the bizarre poetry references and mentions of bodhisattvas) at an eight grade reading level--not because I don't enjoy literary jaunts, but because I don't seek them in self-help books. In my opinion, books of this genre should be quick and accessible, and the reader's time should be spent working through the practical exercises, not trying to decipher overly ambitious prose.
Our first indication that this book needs some fat trimmed is on the cover. Its utterly condescending main title "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" is not actually what this book is about, and I don't think the author intended to condescend (though interestingly, one of his points in the book is that intentions matter not--it's how the words or actions make us feel--and this title did NOT make me feel good as a reader!). The book is actually about "The Five Keys to Mindful (and Mature) Loving." The title should have started and ended there.
Throughout the book, I found myself having to read and then re-read sentences to understand what the heck the author was trying to say. I didn't want to have to work that hard. I tried to skim, but found it un-skimmable to truly capture all the good ideas contained within. Even some of the "practical exercises" were incomprehensible on the first (and second) read.
I would love for someone to re-write this book in half the number of pages (minus all the bizarre poetry references and mentions of bodhisattvas) at an eight grade reading level--not because I don't enjoy literary jaunts, but because I don't seek them in self-help books. In my opinion, books of this genre should be quick and accessible, and the reader's time should be spent working through the practical exercises, not trying to decipher overly ambitious prose.
September 30, 2007
I have a good, no, GREAT relationship with my parents, who make it very clear to me everyday how much they love me. We never discussed what love looked like; I just always knew that they loved me and what it felt like to be loved, but I was utterly unable to put that into words.
I started reading this as I thought I was falling in love with someone, and realized that I really truly was in love with him. Our relationship matched exactly what Richo talks about in this book. It didn't work out between us, but I know exactly what I should be looking for in other people and in myself when I am thinking about long-term partnership due to this book. On every page there were sentences that really resonated with me, that I copied into my own journal. I am kind of a book hound, but this is one that I will always have a copy of.
I started reading this as I thought I was falling in love with someone, and realized that I really truly was in love with him. Our relationship matched exactly what Richo talks about in this book. It didn't work out between us, but I know exactly what I should be looking for in other people and in myself when I am thinking about long-term partnership due to this book. On every page there were sentences that really resonated with me, that I copied into my own journal. I am kind of a book hound, but this is one that I will always have a copy of.
July 24, 2007
The trouble with reading a book called "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" is that people will ask you what you're reading and you have to tell them. That said, there were a lot of great messages, tools, and ideas in this book, the best (for me) being the description of "the five As", the keys to healthy relationships (friendly, romantic, any relationship): acceptance, affection, attention, appreciation, and allowing the other person in your relationship to be him/herself.
August 22, 2012
This book changed my life about 10 years ago so I'm re-reading it again as a reminder. Still tops my list of must reads for anyone who wants to learn how to be "an adult in relationships!!" Should be required reading for all!
April 7, 2013
Couldn't get through it. I'm not a fan of self-made gurus who like to hear themselves speak. Insipid, long-winded, and lacking any kind of evidence or logical thought (and this is coming from someone who very often "thinks" with her heart, and puts intuition before logic). I kept hearing myself saying "GET TO THE POINT!" Sorry, but I think there are so many better relationship books out there. Anything by the Arbinger Institute will blow this "book" out of the water.
December 26, 2007
Do not be fooled by the title, this is not your typical self-help book. Each chapter has valuable nuggets of information on how to love yourself, which then evolves into how to love others. I appreciated the lack of cliches seen in most relationship books. This is not about men versus women, but rather, mindful recognition and appreciation for the people you love.
January 28, 2014
While there are some aspects of this book that are potentially useful, overall this book is Freudian psychoanalytic malarkey. Richo doesn't properly cite sources and he reinforces gender stereotypes with old models of what men and women are like. A book written by someone who is a Certified Family Life Educator would be far more useful. He also is associated with the Esalen Institute, which is not known for legitimate research.
July 11, 2025
На Книжковому арсеналі 2025 вирішила купити одну книгу зі сфери, яку раніше оминала. Зупинила свій вибір на цій книзі. Мені стало цікаво, чи є щось корисне/нове для мене з досвідом стосунків довжиною у 18 років. Обіцяла поділитися чесним відгуком.
Кому я можу радити цю книгу:
- однозначно старшим підліткам або людям юного віку
- якщо у вас нещасливі стосунки
- якщо ви мало рефлексуєте і мало аналізуєте наявне.
У цій книзі я не впізнала себе, тому вона мені не відгукнулась. Вона торкається більше тем вразливих і крихких. Мої стосунки формувались з великої любові батьків у дитинстві, які стали для мене орієнтиром. Ви знайдете тут багато порад, за основу яких взято увага, прийняття, визнання, ніжність та свобода. Я б все це скоротила до єдиного — повага. Для мене саме повага формує все інше. І її відсутність чи наявність міняє стосунки/бачення/підходи/наміри і тд.
Що мені особливо сподобалося у книзі: багато питань, які ви можете задати собі.
Що мені особливо не сподобалося у книзі:
вислови/цитати відомих людей. Вони мені здались абсолютно недоречними/спорадичними і нагадали мені ессеї, які ми писали в університеті, завжди з наміром вставити думки когось розумнішого.
Кому я можу радити цю книгу:
- однозначно старшим підліткам або людям юного віку
- якщо у вас нещасливі стосунки
- якщо ви мало рефлексуєте і мало аналізуєте наявне.
У цій книзі я не впізнала себе, тому вона мені не відгукнулась. Вона торкається більше тем вразливих і крихких. Мої стосунки формувались з великої любові батьків у дитинстві, які стали для мене орієнтиром. Ви знайдете тут багато порад, за основу яких взято увага, прийняття, визнання, ніжність та свобода. Я б все це скоротила до єдиного — повага. Для мене саме повага формує все інше. І її відсутність чи наявність міняє стосунки/бачення/підходи/наміри і тд.
Що мені особливо сподобалося у книзі: багато питань, які ви можете задати собі.
Що мені особливо не сподобалося у книзі:
вислови/цитати відомих людей. Вони мені здались абсолютно недоречними/спорадичними і нагадали мені ессеї, які ми писали в університеті, завжди з наміром вставити думки когось розумнішого.
February 6, 2009
Cheesy? Yes. The examples of 'adult' dialogue between couples in this book are laughably ridiculous and unrealistic. That said, I do think this book helped me.
In particular, there's a shortish section on the differences in how to love and be loved by extroverts vs. introverts that helped put a lot of my relationship's issues in perspective for me. It basically perfectly described the difference between my boyfriend and I in a way that helped me realize that a lot of the things he does that make me feel insecure are simply the traits of an introvert, and why a lot of the things I was doing to express my feelings were being taken the wrong way.
I've come away feeling more prepared to keep the best relationship I've ever been in healthy and productive.
In particular, there's a shortish section on the differences in how to love and be loved by extroverts vs. introverts that helped put a lot of my relationship's issues in perspective for me. It basically perfectly described the difference between my boyfriend and I in a way that helped me realize that a lot of the things he does that make me feel insecure are simply the traits of an introvert, and why a lot of the things I was doing to express my feelings were being taken the wrong way.
I've come away feeling more prepared to keep the best relationship I've ever been in healthy and productive.
January 20, 2009
I could only make it through half of this before someone else wanted it from the library. Maybe I'm not quite ready to be an adult in relationships.
November 15, 2023
Felt like I was reading Das Kapital for the first half of the book. It does get better but you have to keep pushing through. I did appreciate all the attachment theory aspects.
February 2, 2015
I should preface this by saying that I lost interest around 60% into the book.
Richo's argument that relationship dyanmics are a function of the 5 As (Acceptance, Allowing, Affection, Appreciation, Attention) are analogous to many of the other frameworks laid out in other books on mindfulness. This book ends up being long-winded, overly dense, and peppered with unnecessary quotes seemingly to make the author sound smart. Richo bases much of the book's arguments on shaky ground, relying on spiritual / new age mumbo jumbo. Freud is a constant presence in the book-- our current needs and disposition towards others are a direction function of our relationship with our parents during our childhood. Then there's the perpetuation of gender stereotypes; something about males being predisposed to violence and sadism due to the inherent fear of their anima, which is supposed to be their contrasexual spiritual energy. Or something like that.
If this were a 80 page book, it would be a solid 4. But it's not. So it gets a 2. Some of the exercises were solid though. Might try them out with a partner.
Richo's argument that relationship dyanmics are a function of the 5 As (Acceptance, Allowing, Affection, Appreciation, Attention) are analogous to many of the other frameworks laid out in other books on mindfulness. This book ends up being long-winded, overly dense, and peppered with unnecessary quotes seemingly to make the author sound smart. Richo bases much of the book's arguments on shaky ground, relying on spiritual / new age mumbo jumbo. Freud is a constant presence in the book-- our current needs and disposition towards others are a direction function of our relationship with our parents during our childhood. Then there's the perpetuation of gender stereotypes; something about males being predisposed to violence and sadism due to the inherent fear of their anima, which is supposed to be their contrasexual spiritual energy. Or something like that.
If this were a 80 page book, it would be a solid 4. But it's not. So it gets a 2. Some of the exercises were solid though. Might try them out with a partner.
July 24, 2008
I love this book. It's deep and beautiful. I recommend it to anyone who is interested in learning how to give and receive love more fully. Not a lot "how to," but some great information about the different ways we express love and know your learning edge in relationship. Plus, I love the break-up chapter as it defines the grief we all go through at the end of a relationship and the foundation we need to start over again.
Want to read
November 15, 2022i’m here because mayim bialik told me so. picking up a copy as soon as i can. :)
March 9, 2026
3 stars
The part that sticked with me the most from this book was the one about the 5 a’s. How every relationship needs those: Attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, allowance. That resonated a lot with me.
The part that sticked with me the most from this book was the one about the 5 a’s. How every relationship needs those: Attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, allowance. That resonated a lot with me.
December 2, 2025
Важко мені пішла ця книга.
Ніби багато всього корисного й цікавого, а як тільки піднімаю очі — толком не розкажу, що саме прочитала чи запам’ятала.
Можливо, просто не той час її для мене
Ніби багато всього корисного й цікавого, а як тільки піднімаю очі — толком не розкажу, що саме прочитала чи запам’ятала.
Можливо, просто не той час її для мене
December 27, 2009
This book saved my relationship! At least for now : )
Seriously, if you don't want to grow up, don't read this book. If you do want to expand, read it, but only if your partner will too. Warning: if you read this book and your partner doesn't, your relationship may implode!
The book is a bit too wordy at times, and tends to go on at bit too much, but the message is brilliant. The author also writes from a mindfulness (Buddhist) perspective so there is a lot of spirituality mixed in, which I liked : )
The main message I came away from is this: let go of your expectations that your partner is going to make you happy, take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being. In other words...grow up! Easier said than done.
Oh, there is also a great section on the difference between introverts and extroverts, and their differing needs. This has been a big issue in my relationship, so I really appreciated that! It also has a whole chapter of advice for single people looking for a relationship, which could be very handy.
IN sum, I do recommend this book for anyone interested in psychology,counseling, healthy relationships.
P.S. Take first paragraph with a grain of salt. and
OK, I had some coffee this morning.
Seriously, if you don't want to grow up, don't read this book. If you do want to expand, read it, but only if your partner will too. Warning: if you read this book and your partner doesn't, your relationship may implode!
The book is a bit too wordy at times, and tends to go on at bit too much, but the message is brilliant. The author also writes from a mindfulness (Buddhist) perspective so there is a lot of spirituality mixed in, which I liked : )
The main message I came away from is this: let go of your expectations that your partner is going to make you happy, take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being. In other words...grow up! Easier said than done.
Oh, there is also a great section on the difference between introverts and extroverts, and their differing needs. This has been a big issue in my relationship, so I really appreciated that! It also has a whole chapter of advice for single people looking for a relationship, which could be very handy.
IN sum, I do recommend this book for anyone interested in psychology,counseling, healthy relationships.
P.S. Take first paragraph with a grain of salt. and
OK, I had some coffee this morning.
May 3, 2009
I can't recommend this book wholeheartedly enough. Was recommended to me by my last partner, and we are both putting it to use in preparation for future relationships, as well as in our efforts to be friends now that our own is over. This is different to other self-help/relationship books in that it is based in the premises of Buddhist mindfulness, and it addresses all aspects of relating in personal relationships, not just love/intimacy. This is a book for the ages. Full of hard-hitting self analysis and lots of practical tips for arriving at peace of mind and peace in love. Please give this book a look; you won't put it down.
February 21, 2021
In an effort to keep this review short & to the point... I didn't enjoy this.
I appreciate what the author is explaining and I don't disagree with him but for f*** sake this was boring. I feel like I read the same thing over and over again through the course of the book. A lot of the content was good if you can skim through all the other fluff. Despite having received some important insight I was exhausted and glad to be finished. Phew! And walking away, I don't even remember what was in here. So after buying it and reading it, I'm still left in the same place I started. Thank you?
I appreciate what the author is explaining and I don't disagree with him but for f*** sake this was boring. I feel like I read the same thing over and over again through the course of the book. A lot of the content was good if you can skim through all the other fluff. Despite having received some important insight I was exhausted and glad to be finished. Phew! And walking away, I don't even remember what was in here. So after buying it and reading it, I'm still left in the same place I started. Thank you?
January 25, 2024
Este livro permitiu-me conhecer-me melhor e a ter mais empatia com aqueles que me rodeiam.
Ficava tão embrulhada na sua leitura e em tudo aquilo que ela me estava a transmitir que foi sempre difícil largar este livro... há muito tempo que não experienciava esta sensação tão boa... que qualquer leitor sabe :)
Vou deixá-lo bem perto de mim para reler as imensas passagem que marquei... de tão bom que é.
Ficava tão embrulhada na sua leitura e em tudo aquilo que ela me estava a transmitir que foi sempre difícil largar este livro... há muito tempo que não experienciava esta sensação tão boa... que qualquer leitor sabe :)
Vou deixá-lo bem perto de mim para reler as imensas passagem que marquei... de tão bom que é.
December 9, 2022
Харилцааг үргэлж жаргалтай байна гэж төсөөлөх нь эндүүрэл аж харин ч зовлон бэрхшээл байдаг үүнийг хамтдаа даван туулах нь бидний нэг нэгэндээ хийж өгч буй тус иймд бусдыг өөрийн бодлоор шүүх, нөхцөл байдлыг сөргөөр харах нь шийдэл болж чадахгүй гэдгийг сайтар ойлгож авлаа.
March 17, 2026
I’d have a better review for this if it didn’t take me so long to finish it but I know I liked this!!!
I really enjoyed the author’s discussion of how what happened (or didn’t happen - hello unmet needs!) in childhood influences our thoughts and behavior in adult romantic relationships - aka my bread and butter - but of which remain our responsibility to address, rather than putting the onus on our partners to fill these unmet needs.
This also timed up really well with my current redefining of what feeling a ‘spark’/‘butterflies in my stomach’/‘jitters’ really means and if it’s actually just been anxiety all along that is better replaced by, as the author puts it, “rising in love with conscious choice, sane fondness, intact boundaries, and ruthless clarity”.
“Healthy relationships lead to interdependence and unhealthy ones to dependence or domination. The electricity of the false lead takes the form of a shock. The electricity of the true lead is a steady current. A shock leaves us depleted. A current keeps moving through us.”
I really enjoyed the author’s discussion of how what happened (or didn’t happen - hello unmet needs!) in childhood influences our thoughts and behavior in adult romantic relationships - aka my bread and butter - but of which remain our responsibility to address, rather than putting the onus on our partners to fill these unmet needs.
This also timed up really well with my current redefining of what feeling a ‘spark’/‘butterflies in my stomach’/‘jitters’ really means and if it’s actually just been anxiety all along that is better replaced by, as the author puts it, “rising in love with conscious choice, sane fondness, intact boundaries, and ruthless clarity”.
“Healthy relationships lead to interdependence and unhealthy ones to dependence or domination. The electricity of the false lead takes the form of a shock. The electricity of the true lead is a steady current. A shock leaves us depleted. A current keeps moving through us.”
February 4, 2025
This is one of those seminal books that I will remember reading for the rest of my life. If I could give it a higher rating than 5 stars, I would. If I could’ve highlighted the whole book and ingrained it in my consciousness, I would. I’m still in awe. Did Richio spend his entire life collecting the most poignant poems and quotes for this book? It would seem so. I’m so grateful to him for writing this book - it changed the way that I think and awakened my deepest ability to love mindfully and as a spiritual practice. It really leaves no stone unturned in the psyche of relationships - even if you’re in a happy, healthy, and stable relationship, I’m certain that there’s plenty you could get out of this. Wow. Just wow.
July 23, 2023
I couldn’t say enough good things about this book. It’s graceful and forgiving and also hard hitting where it really matters. Anyone seeking a fulfilled relationship( relationships in all forms: romantic, platonic, acquaintances) should read this. So good!!
March 3, 2025
I stumbled on this book in Libby and am so glad I did! Of course no relationship book is perfect, but this one kept me thinking about all of my relationships; friends, family, partner, work, etc. definitely recommend to anyone wanting even just a couple of new tools in their relationship tool box!
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