How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You

The Oatmeal

by Matthew Inman, The Oatmeal

If your cat is kneading you, that's not a sign of affection. Your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness. If your cat brings you a dead animal, this isn't a gift. It's a warning. How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You is an offering of cat comics, facts, and instructional guides from the creative wonderland at TheOatmeal.com.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You presents fan favorites, such as "Cat vs. Internet," "How to Pet a Kitty," and "The Bobcats," plus 17 brand-new, never-before-seen cat jokes. A pullout poster is included at the back of the book.

Genres: Humor, Comics, Graphic Novels, Cats, Nonfiction, Animals, Comedy

131 pages, Paperback

First published July 15, 2012

About the author

Matthew Inman (a.k.a. "The Oatmeal") is a Web designer and developer from Seattle, Washington. He has been designing Web sites since the age of 13 and is a seasoned programmer, systems administrator, and online marketer. Matthew launched theoatmeal.com in 2009.

Reviews

[MischaS_ · Rating 2 out of 5]

Oh no... I don't get it! This book screamed my name the moment I saw it. I love this type of books, I love cats and I agree that cats are secretly planning to kill us all. See? There was no way I would not love this book.
And yet that's exactly what happened. Wish I liked this more but unfortunately I could not. I did not laugh one... it was just missing something, it felt very flat.

[Mohammed Arabey]

After seeing this picture, it's a Must Read Book since I have a Cat...


enough said :)
Update (12-2-2014)It's happening AGAIN

[Kemper · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't really need this book because as the proud owner of five cats, I know full well that the only reason I’m still breathing is because their lack of thumbs makes it impossible for them to open their favorite cans of food.

Readers of Matthew Inman’s website The Oatmeal should have a pretty good idea what to expect here. There are lots of very funny comics related to cat behavior well as a chapter filled with The Bobcats, two necktie wearing felines who make the office hell for their coworkers.

The bonus on this one is that the wife and I got to meet Inman at a book signing where he did a Q&A as well as relate several stories about his life that included cats, dogs, horses, bears, frozen gerbils, a fish named Peter Jennings, a house fire and acting friendly towards a neo-Nazi kid just to use his Game Boy.

[Archit · Rating 5 out of 5]

"This is the guide I needed to convince my husband against having a cat" - my dearest wife

Sharp and 100 percent fact laden humor!



Cats are aloof. They own you and NOT the other way round.

I am not so afraid of an alien invasion as of cats rising to power.

Be ware of the catkind, HUMANS!

For all those wannabe cat lovers, this is your bible. Get it read!

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book of non-fiction.

I cohabitate with two cats. They are cruel owners, and one of them made a 4 year old girl cry today. He was so proud of himself for doing it that he mrowed all over the living room in a victory lap and made the Boy Human pet him while calling him a good kitty. (He wasn't being a good kitty though. We just know better than to refuse.)

The other cat steals my bed. She weighs 8 pounds and somehow manages to cover an entire human-sized bed. She also is totally into wearing all black, and she is an expert stealth-attack ninja.

This book makes me laugh - purely out of relief that I'm not alone. There are others being held hostage in their own homes by their furry overlords, and maybe if we band to- (One looked at me. SHE KNOWS.)

Oh. Oh no. She's coming closer. She knows I'm using the blinkybox and neither one of them was laying on it but that was until they knew I wanted to use it and now here she comes OWW!.

Pleas...se... SEND HE--

[Sheri · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cat humor for adults, some funny, some not so much. A quick read, I recommend you borrow it from the library.

[Nayra.Hassan · Rating 3 out of 5]

متي ساخطط انا لقتل قطتي؟هذا هو السؤال الذي ينبغي ان يدور في عقلها الشرير بعد سلوكها الجرائمي المتعمد

كوميكس ساخرة عن العقلية الخبيثة للقطط الكيوت
كيف ترانا
و كيف نراها
و كيف تكسب دوما فى النهاية

قرات الكتاب بعد ان عدت من محل تصليح المراوح بعد ان اطارت القطة المروحة في لفتة من لفتتها
كما اطارت زجاجة الدواء بذيلها
والكتب بيدها الشريرة
و مستحضرات التجميل بقدمها الطائشة 🐱

و بالطبع كتابتي علي اللابتوب سيظل مسحها و اضافه الالغاز اليها هدفها الاجرامي الاسمي

[Montzalee Wittmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You by Matthew Inman, The Oatmeal is such a hilarious book that I sat and giggled the whole way through it. Anyone with cats will understand the craziness in this book. The author is a genius when it comes to putting the cat mind into cartoon form. Awesome work! I borrowed this from the library and going to check for more! Too funny!!

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

This humorous book, composed of cartoons about cats, is sure to make pet lovers smile. The comical cats in the book get up to all kinds of tomfoolery....both at home and - in the case of the two corporate cats called "the Bobs" - at work.

To provide a little flavor of the book I'll give some examples of the droll entries.

If you're worried that your cat might be plotting to kill you, look out for the following:

Your kitty shovels too much litter after pottying....he's practicing for burying bodies.

Your kitty lays all over your electronics....he's stopping you from communicating with the outside world.



In one set of cartoons a tabby that wants more attention meows and rubs against her owner - who's busy working at his computer. When these maneuvers don't work the cat gets more and more creative. Among other things she proceeds to: use a bullhorn, launch herself at the owner's head with a trebuchet, make a party with balloons, cake, and punch, and - as a last straw - scratch up the furniture. THAT finally does the trick. (Ha ha ha)





****************************************

The two corporate worker cats, Bob and Bob, are your typical office jokesters. When they want to derail a meeting, for instance, the two Bobs call the boss and say ".....your wife was hit by a meteor.....she's on fire....you need to come to the hospital immeteor-ately." (They're punsters as well!)

Bob and Bob normally wear (only) ties but show up in undies on casual Friday. When the CEO says "....[by] casual Friday I meant t-shirts and jeans, one Bob says "I can think of nothing more casual than my enchanting cheetah thong" and the other Bob says "I think he's got man-envy for our incredible taste in underpants."



The Bobs also spell out insulting messages with dead flies, bully fellow employees to get their pudding cups and sandwiches, and ruthlessly fire the CEO ("Don't make this harder than it has to be, Jim.")



In the cartoon that made me laugh the most the Bobs post a xerox copy of one of their rumps....with an arrow pointing to the butt hole. The message on the picture says: "Our CEO, Mr. Jimmers is a giant Stinky. Ha ha ha." And the cats sign the message "Anonymous (not the Bobs)."



The book's a quick light read that would entertain cat owners.... or anyone amused by funny animals. Highly recommended if you need a laugh.

You can follow my reviews at http://reviewsbybarbsaffer.blogspot.com/

[STEPH · Rating 2 out of 5]

So now I know that I am a Gorillapig.. Haha, that's cute. And I know a few Howler monkeys at work, so that part made me laugh a bit.

This was an OK book. I didn't really need to read it to know that my cats are plotting to kill me. But I'm hoping they'd realise I was a cat in my past life and decide to abort that mission. Haha.

But, the title was intriguing and catchy so I gave it a go. It was so-so. The drawings were funny. The Bobcats episode wasn't really entertaining.. Also, the part "How To Tell If Your Cat Is A Raging Homosexual" --totally uncalled for. Not funny at all, like, "gay demons"? Seriously?

Anyway, I laughed a couple of times. I love cats like crazy and I finished this in under 30 mins. Such a quick read and you'll love the drawings.

[Magdalena · Rating 3 out of 5]

Half of the book worked for me, the other half...not so much.

What worked was stuff like this:





What didn't work:

The bobcat comic just wasn't that funny to read. It was more "I hope this isn't the rest of the book. I seriously hope something is coming after this instead of this boring comic". And luckily it was just part of the book and then it got fun to read again.



Then we have this part and is this suppose to be funny? I just read and though "wtf?"...



Review also posted on It's a Mad Mad World

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little book was hilarious lol

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Did I enjoy the book? Yes. But that's really beside the point. I bought it mostly as a display of support for Oatmeal, who has been providing me free online laughs for years and years now.

If you haven't checked out his website, you really should:

http://theoatmeal.com/

[Kaethe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Are You Dead Yet?

Then your cat is plotting to kill you. I give you this spoiler because I have four cats in my house, and that means probably not much time left. You should definitely run out and buy this with your holiday gift money (I did!): it may save your life.

Feel free to read the following aloud when you finish reading your copy: My theory is once the cat knows you're on to it, it'll have to keep its vengeance hidden, lest everyone know who to blame. In fact, now that the secret is out, it is in the best interest of all our cats to make sure we stay alive and healthy without suffering any suspicious accidents.

You're welcome.

Personal copy

[Aqsa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was different from what the title implied.

I loved the start. It was funny and it made me miss my cat. I loved it. Then came the Bobcats which I hated! Kinda took the fun away. It seemed like someone was trying too hard, and most of it was just lame. I liked Wednesday, when they fired Frank. Then came other chapters. I enjoyed reading about Tuna which is so true and internet which was so cute and some other parts but the rest didn’t interest me. It kinda disgusted me and was kinda cheap.

The drawings were beautiful though and others might enjoy this. This wasn’t my cup of tea for the most part.

**Thank you Catreads for the recommendation.**

[Megan Baxter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have cats, so this seemed like an obvious one for me. And the first few cartoons I did find hilarious. But I put it down for a while, and when I picked it back up, it just wasn't tickling my funnybone in the same way. Either I wasn't in the right mood for it, or they led off with the best comics, and it just got progressively less funny from there.

Note: The rest of this review has been withdrawn due to the changes in Goodreads policy and enforcement. You can read why I came to this decision here.

In the meantime, you can read the entire review at Smorgasbook

[Flo · Rating 5 out of 5]

These days I've been experimenting with some awesomely weird books. Yes, people may think that I'll never grow up, but these books I've read that seem to be for kids, I assure you they're not. Suggestion: if you don't want kids suffering awful traumas or to be potential psychos...



...turn off the TV and give them some Roald Dahl to read.

So, this book is not only useful, because it offers some great ideas to know if your cat is plotting to kill you, is also too damn funny. There are several explanations about cats and their behavior: direction of ears according to each kind of mood, what they love and hate, how they see us. Also some hilarious cartoons about the Bobcats: angry, bossy and selfish working cats that bully everybody in the office. They wear little ties, steal everyone's lunch and hates the “howler monkey”. (I can think of a few people that fit the “howler monkey” kind of guy; yes, quite annoying fellas).

It also shows us cats' big battle against the Internet. Big lesson to remember at all times: when they demand attention, you should listen. Your furniture would be grateful.
Anyway, this book finishes with what's like to have a baby and to have a cat. Mothers' could think it's a harsh and twisted kind of humor (?) Well, I liked it...

All in all, it's a hilarious book that every person with a cat should read. These superb and intelligent creatures that treats dogs and humans as idiots and slaves, respectively, are great companions, especially on rainy afternoons when you're reading an awesome book by the window with a cup of coffee next to you. (Yes, I'm focusing on the nice aspects.)

I love animals, and right now, I have a cat. Well, yesterday, this nice feline broke a set of cups that has been in my family for 70 or 80 years. I wanted to leave him with only five lives, but once I saw such a little and innocent face, what could I do?



I feel powerless.


May 09, 14
* Also on my blog.
** Photo credit: via Memedroid.
Shrek 2 / Dreamworks Animation via Daily Mail.

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Borrowed this from Lynn. Astonishing amount of cat fur floated down from the pages, which means her felines have read the book!

I worry for her safety . . .

[Kelly (and the Book Boar) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/

If you are (1) a fan of The Oatmeal or (2) a crazy cat lady, then this is a book that someone should buy for you (Who has two thumbs and is a crazy cat lady? This gal - so hint, hint). It confirms everything that a person with cats already knows - we are their servants, and they would be okay with us being dead as long as we leave our rotting corpse behind so they can nom nom on our face.

A sane person would never live with a roommate who:


Undecorates their Christmas tree . . .


Engages in weird PICA behavior like eating holes in every “green” bag in the house . . .


Steals their childrens’ toys . . .


Interrupts their reading time . . .


SUCKS at hide-and-go-seek . . .


Can't even bathe without help . . .


Or tries to smother them while they sleep . . .


I mean SERIOUSLY tries to smother them . . .

Somehow cats get away with all that and more. Probably because they are better than us.

[Sam Quixote · Rating 5 out of 5]

“How to Tell If Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You” by Matthew Inman is a devastating expose on the shocking secret that felines across the world are planning a mass takeover of the planet. Why President Obama or none of the other world leaders have not been talking about this is a mystery especially as cats seem well placed to enact their global attack at a moment’s notice - hell, there’s even one of them in my house! (It’s ok, I’m typing this in the other room, and - I think - he’s asleep. If you’re reading this then I made it long enough to post this call to arms for humans everywhere)

Well, now I think about it, it might also be a book of comedic web-comics about cats. I mean, the author does call himself “The Oatmeal”. If so, then that changes everything. This is no longer a terrifying glimpse into a dystopian future like the Planet of the Cats and more a cheerful and oftentimes hilarious collection of witty and clever comics featuring overweight humans and overweight animals.

The book is mostly a collection of cartoon guides such as “6 Ways To Tell If Your Cat Thinks Its a Mountain Lion”, a guide I loved especially as my cat has been displaying no. 6 “Being Overly Vocal - your cat thinks these are terrifying roars of awesomeness”. Also the title guide where one of the points is if your cat dashes about madly for no reason, it is because their ambush failed and they are escaping!

There are some comic strips included which are brilliant - The Bobcats are a pair of talkative felines in an office who’re just awful to everyone. After locking everyone into an elevator with them and farting excessively (“the gas chamber”), one of them has a hot sauce drinking contests and runs about the office after necking four bottles and pukes everywhere.

The book is really fun especially if you’re a cat owner and genuinely made me laugh many times. I especially loved the description of petting the tummy of a kitty as “like frolicking in the back hair of an angel”! It’s cleverly observed, really funny, and attractively drawn, “How to Tell If Your Cat is Planning to Kill You” by Matthew Inman is highly recommended comics fun for all ages.

[Becky · Rating 3 out of 5]

I recently acquired a farm cat which my husband rescued from starvation in literally the middle of a cornfield. His name is Gringer. He spends all day training and plotting to kill us when he isnt walking around begging for tummy rubs from anyone at the farm. He likes to hunt bugs as practice until he is old enough to move on to bigger prey (presumably, us), and he also likes to crawl up into saplings and wait for passerbys* to startle them by mewling loudly, then hopping down from the tree, and running away.

I love that cat. Its completely insane.

* can passerby even be made plural? Passerbies? That just looks strangly french.

[Laima · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is hilarious! Anyone who knows me knows that I love cats. My kids keep saying one day I will turn into the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons. Currently I have only two. I used to have five but we experienced a lot of passings recently. I have a shelf of urns to prove it. My vet even sends me sympathy cards.

My favorite part of this book is the “Bobs”. They are two tie wearing cats that work in an office full of humans. As usual, the cats don’t treat humans with too much respect. It’s like a feline version of “The Office”. I laughed so hard I cried!

[Alice-Elizabeth (Prolific Reader Alice) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh gosh, this was such a funny collection of humorous cartoons, all involving cats and for the majority of the time, I was in stitches. I liked how the book was laid out, with various categories. Some parts such as the cartoons involving the cat out at night was enjoyable. The odd one or two chapters didn't make me laugh so much. It's simple, quick and easy to read. Fun for cat lovers!

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! HA-HA! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!!!!! HA— (Remembers to breathe... *Huff, huff...) PAUSE... HA!

How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You was the funniest book I have ever read. With every page I busted a gut. I especially liked BRINGING YOU DEAD ANIMALS: This isn't a gift. It's a warning. HA! Anyways, I recommend this book to everyone, so long as they don't mind a bit of a potty-mouth. Everything about this book was brilliantly humorous—everything from the Bobcats comics to HOMELESS MAN VS YOUR CAT. My mom got quite a bit annoyed at my constant laughter as I looked over 130 pages of pure awesomeness. I looked at my cat a few times, who laid quietly on my lap, and simply thought "Is she trying to kill me?"
She may be.
...I hope not...

[Christine · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I was reading this graphic novel, my cats were watching me. It was hard to tell what their eyes looked like.
Just remember cats, I’m the one who feeds you, who buys the food, and who opens the cans. Until you develop thumbs, I think the cans are going to be a bit of a problem.
If you have ever owned or currently own a furball of death, this book will crack you up. Totally. Except maybe the sections about the Bobcats which goes on for bit too long. However, there are handy dandy charts for understanding your cat’s eyes and ears.

[Malice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Algunas de las ideas sobre los gatos son graciosas, porque son verdad, sin embargo, la mayor parte de las historietitas no me han encantado. Al menos, siento que los gatos no son así, pero bueno. Tres estrellas, porque me hizo reír.

[Rinda Elwakil · Rating 3 out of 5]

دليل لطيف خفيف الدم يحاول جاهدا تفسير بعض سلوكيات القطط، بلا جدوى في الواقع :D
لن يفهم أحد ما يدور داخل تلك الرؤوس المشاغبة الجميلة

يستحق القراءة.

[Eirini Proikaki · Rating 1 out of 5]

Θυμίστε μου σας παρακαλώ να μην ξαναπαρασυρθώ απο τίτλους που μου φαίνονται αστείοι ,γιατί είναι η δεύτερη φορά που την πατάω έτσι φέτος.Αυτό το βιβλίο παίρνει βραβείο χαζομάρας.Δεν έχει κανένα ,μα κανένα νόημα και αν και ξεκινάει χαριτωμένα στη συνέχεια είναι μπλιαχ!Μια ηλίθια εικονογραφημένη ιστορία με κάτι γάτες με γραβάτες που δουλεύουν σε ένα γραφείο και κλ...αερίζονται.Το χιούμορ πέθανε και το θάψαμε στην άμμο της γάτας.

[Isidora · Rating 3 out of 5]

Odma' da kazem,uzela sam da je citam jer i ja imam macku(ako se neko pita,da,pokazuje neke znake :P),i ocekivala sam da me knjiga zasmeje do suza. Sto i jeste,na par mesta. Ali me knjiga,nazalost,nije odusevila i zato je i dobila samo tri zvezdice. Necu joj se vracati,ali je ipak preporucujem,mozda nekome bolje legne,a i treba znati jeste li bezbedni ;)

[Omnia Helmy · Rating 3 out of 5]

لذيذ ودمه خفيف ومثالي لحالات فتور القراءة 💖