When Growgirl was released, in 2012, I'd been waiting since its announcement -- with fairly fanatical impatience. It arrived from Amazon a day early, and I was voracious: consume-in-a-single-night style, you know, cause that's what happens when your favourite actress releases a book. Particularly when said actress has stopped acting and kinda fallen off the face of the earth -- GIVE IT HERE.
So, in retrospect: I read it like fire, and when it was all burned out -- I felt really fucking weird. There are things that you don't necessarily want to know about the people you idolize, right -- like, I totally didn't need to know about her bodily functions, amirite? She's so, like, confused and that's not like, what I pictured, you know? I couldn't review the book, not because I didn't like it -- I did, objectively; it was great. But I kind of wanted to forget about it and go back to my idealized, sanitized, fictionalized version of a person who, quite clearly, was anything but ideal, sanitary, and fictional.
I was 25.
I was set in my life.
I wanted things to be exactly the way they'd always been.
And I had no fucking idea.
It's been a few years; I've lived through a few crises. Freshly 31, I'm headed to the proverbial desert to burn my shit: nothing so dramatic as Heather Donahue's bonfire, but I have a lot to lose and my gains are uncertain. Trusting possibility in your 30s is a lot fucking harder than it seems in your mid-20s ---- and so, before all this becomes official, as royal green spring blooms on Montreal streets, my copy of Growgirl caught my eye. I devoured it, again -- but so differently, because I finally saw it for what it was: 300 pages of brutal, unfettered, absolutely goddamn brilliant & aesthetically beautiful honesty.
This woman shies from nothing. Don't like it? Too bad. "I will probably always be too much," she writes. "Instead of fighting it, I'm learning to live with it." That raw intensity permeates every last word of this book, from the self-deprecating digs to the sarcastic observations; the gorgeous turns of phrase to the easy profanity; the quick cuts between moments and the lingering glances at what might have been. Heather Donahue writes like a prism: clear, fractured, exploding in colour and stunningly beautiful -- but so bright you might go fucking blind.
If you manage to keep your eyesight, here's what's waiting:
- language you want to lick.
- moments of truth so awkward and genuine she must be reading your mind.
- deeply real emotion -- fear, and desire, and passion and rage, and oh so much quiet, desperate hope.
- unfiltered relationship drama, alongside all those comments you wish you could make about those exclusive communities that pop up around what is unequivocally inclusive.
- seriously damn profound social/personal/philosophical insight, for someone you probably only know from a 90s horror film -- but she's been dropping this for years, guys; you just weren't paying attention.
- feminism (and femininity) that isn't angry or specific, but funny, and real, and grateful.
- some info about growing pot (because yeah, that's kind of what this book's about, but only kind of).
- and the feeling like a hand is reaching out to beckon -- not to hold yours; you get no guide, babe, we know jackshit out here ----- but to remind you that there is so much more than what you might be holding to out of fear. Let go, be free: what comes may leave you in the red, but you'll be a goddam rainbow.
- "I fear neither frost nor bear this morning because it's April and, despite my sketchy start, I will bring the spring."
I think we fear rawness, these days. We want everything tied up neatly, aesthetically pleasing, perfectly presented. Sanitized. Idealized. Fictionalized. We want what we can't possibly have, because we are messy, and broken, and real. And that reminder, shoved back in your face, can be so terrifying you want to ignore it. That's the only explanation I can think of for why Heather Donahue does not have publishers begging her for what comes next: she hits too hard, too deep, too profoundly. If it's not the right moment, it sticks, wounds, hurts.
And good.
Sticky, bloody, and hurt, darling, let's burn the past into a supernova.
And there is no one, but no one, who has captured it better.
Heather Donahue, in the 14 years since I first saw her onscreen, has shifted miles from her original title of "my favourite actress." What she has produced, in roles and in words, means more to me than I can ever express. Maybe, if any of this strikes a chord -- go see what she'll mean to you.