ADVISORY Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel have both written books for children. This is definitely not one of them.
A series of misunderstandings between Philip, a pet shop owner and all around good guy, and Jeffery, a forensic plumber and complete asshole, escalate into international terrorism, revolution and the end of Donald Trump's political career.
Just a simple misunderstanding, officer
Looking back, I realize how it must have looked to the cops when they saw me. They’re all tense, they have a guy on the ground they think is Osama bin Whatever, and all of a sudden another guy, who they also don’t know, comes running toward them in the middle of the Henry Hudson Parkway, shouting and waving his arms, and he has what looks like a monkey on his shoulder. It could arouse suspicions, I can see that now.
Please believe me
"The point is, it was all a big mistake. I’m not a terrorist.”
The bartender nodded. “Of course,” he said, “if you are terrorist, you will say you are not terrorist. Terrorists do not say, ‘Hello, I am terrorist.’”
The speed of TV
He waved toward the TV set, which was showing pictures of me and Horkman over a headline that said BRIDGE TO TERROR. There was also a logo, like a silhouette of the GW Bridge with a bomb in front of it. Say what you want about TV news, they move fast. A gas explosion wipes out a preschool, five minutes later they have a logo for it.
Where is a good Samaritan when you need one...?
In Des Moines, if people saw two guys tied up on the sidewalk, they’d stop and help out, but this was New York, so nobody slowed down. Most of them didn’t even look up from texting.
My lawyers...?
“Wait. You’re my lawyers?”
“I would hope so, for your sake,” said Mike. “Because if we weren’t your lawyers, this wouldn’t be a privileged conversation. And if that were the case, we’d have no choice, as citizens, but to turn you in.”
“We’d hate to do that,” said Sharisse.
I stared at them. They were smiling at me, big smiles. Like moray eels, but without the warmth.
Land Ho!
And so we went to Cuba. It took us six hours, with CNN, Fox, and the rest of the news networks covering every second. They were showing aerial shots of our ship, and you could see that there were big U.S. navy vessels surrounding us, just out of sight over the horizon. Also there reportedly were submarines in the area, including some from China and Russia.
There were all kinds of Terrorism Experts on TV, and they were going nuts, throwing out theories about what was happening, what our plan was, what the U.S. should do, what would happen next. Everybody agreed that tensions in the Caribbean had not been this high since the Cuban Missile Crisis.
The secret rescuers
“Who are you guys?”
“We’ll ask the questions,” answered my rescuer. He definitely had an American accent. Suddenly it hit me who these guys had to be.
“Jesus,” I said. “Are you Navy SEAL Team 6?”
One of them snorted. “We call Navy SEAL Team 6 the Campfire Girls,” he said.
“So who are you?” I said.
He took a step closer and said, “Did you ever hear of the U.S. Coast Guard Salamander Unit 9?”
“No,” I said.
“Good,” he said. “Because we don’t exist.”
Revolution by virus
When activated, the virus immediately senses and penetrates any nearby networks. Once it gets inside, it quickly replicates itself and mutates as necessary until it has totally taken over. The effects, as we saw in China, are swift, and utterly devastating.
WILLIAMS: Do we have any idea who developed this virus, and how Horkman and Peckerman would have obtained it?
PEARSON: That’s a murky area, Brian. All we really know is that whoever developed it must have extremely advanced programming capabilities. The U.S. is believed to be doing top-secret work in this area, as are Israel, North Korea, Russia, Japan, and no doubt other nations as well. It’s also possible that another kind of sophisticated, extremely powerful and obsessively secretive international entity is behind this whole thing.
WILLIAMS: You don’t mean .
PEARSON: That’s right, Brian: Google.
WILLIAMS: My God.
PEARSON: I’m told Apple may be working on something similar, but with a cleaner design.
A humorous story of how misadventure helped many millions of people and overturned world politics.
Unfortunately the funniest parts should not be retold at your dining table in front of your grandmother and maiden aunts.
Enjoy!