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Your Survival Instinct Is Killing You: Retrain Your Brain to Conquer Fear, Make Better Decisions, and Thrive in the 21s t Century
Thanks to technology, we live in a world that’s much more comfortable than ever before. But here’s the paradox: our tolerance for discomfort is at an all-time low. And as we wrestle with a sinking “discomfort threshold,” we increasingly find ourselves at the mercy of our primitive instincts and reactions that can perpetuate disease, dysfunction, and impair performance and decision making.
Designed to keep us out of danger, our limbic brain’s Survival Instinct controls what we intuitively do to avert injury or death, such as running out of a burning building. Rarely are we required to recruit this instinct today because seldom do we find ourselves in situations that are truly life-threatening. However, this part of our brain is programmed to naturally and automatically react to even the most benign forms of discomfort and stress as serious threats to our survival.
In this seminal book we learn how the Survival Instinct is the culprit that triggers a person to overeat, prevents the insomniac from sleeping, causes the executive to unravel under pressure, leads travelers to avoid planes or freeways, inflames pain, and due to past heartache, closes down an individual to love. In all of these cases, their overly-sensitive Survival Instinct is being called into action at the slightest hint of discomfort. In short, their Survival Instinct is stuck in the “ON” position…with grave consequences.
Your Survival Is Killing You can transform the way you live. Provocative, eye-opening, and surprisingly practical with its gallery of strategies and ideas, this book will show you how to build up your “instinctual muscles” for successfully managing discomfort while taming your overly reactive Survival Instinct. You will learn that the management of discomfort is the single most important skill for the twenty-first century. This book is, at its heart, a modern guide to survival.
Designed to keep us out of danger, our limbic brain’s Survival Instinct controls what we intuitively do to avert injury or death, such as running out of a burning building. Rarely are we required to recruit this instinct today because seldom do we find ourselves in situations that are truly life-threatening. However, this part of our brain is programmed to naturally and automatically react to even the most benign forms of discomfort and stress as serious threats to our survival.
In this seminal book we learn how the Survival Instinct is the culprit that triggers a person to overeat, prevents the insomniac from sleeping, causes the executive to unravel under pressure, leads travelers to avoid planes or freeways, inflames pain, and due to past heartache, closes down an individual to love. In all of these cases, their overly-sensitive Survival Instinct is being called into action at the slightest hint of discomfort. In short, their Survival Instinct is stuck in the “ON” position…with grave consequences.
Your Survival Is Killing You can transform the way you live. Provocative, eye-opening, and surprisingly practical with its gallery of strategies and ideas, this book will show you how to build up your “instinctual muscles” for successfully managing discomfort while taming your overly reactive Survival Instinct. You will learn that the management of discomfort is the single most important skill for the twenty-first century. This book is, at its heart, a modern guide to survival.
272 pages, Hardcover
First published March 21, 2013
95 people are currently reading
1354 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 49 reviews
August 1, 2013
I've just finished reading 'Your Survival Instinct is Killing You", by Dr. Marc Schoen. Let me preface this review by saying that I have a Ph.D. in Management, and am well-versed in common terminology in habit theory, the science of stress, and decision-making. I do not say this intending for readers to agree with my on an appeal to authority, but rather just to provide a foundation on which to base my critique.
I felt the general thesis of this book is fair: As a result of modern conveniences, we now live in a world where we are becoming less tolerant to discomfort. When this discomfort inevitably arises in our lives, our "survival instinct" sets in, leading to fear and panic. The book seeks to train individuals to better manage this discomfort, if even to avoid some forms of it altogether.
Part 1 of the book discusses the origins of discomfort, while Part 2 is the more self-help techniques offered by Dr. Schoen. I'll critique each part separately, for they are grounded in different issues.
PART ONE:
I was generally annoyed that this part committed such an atomistic fallacy. Too many case studies were used to draw general theoretical conclusions about the nature of discomfort. For instance, on p. 78 we are told that people "turn to medication, alcohol, and avoidant behaviors to deal with fear". Well, in some cases medication IS valuable, but the tone is such that everyone is overusing meds to deal with fear, as per your later disclaimer in Part 2 which backs off this claim a bit, p. 166 (Note: I am seriously curious if the publisher required that disclaimer be put in before press). Rather than these cases, a stronger argument from theory and scientific findings would bolster the lead-in to later assertions. But these things are lumped together as poor coping mechanisms. Some are, no doubt, but medicine does have it's place as valuable, just as it's unfair to also lump the discomfort of panic attack sufferers along with those of obese people seeking food to manage discomfort. Yet alas, readers may relate more to the stories and metaphors, and to the layperson "theory" has somehow become a pejorative synonym for "probably untrue". The book is 231 pages of what could be said in 50. Example (p. 49): "the more agitance we feel, the more out of sync we become with our inner and outside worlds. And the more out of sync we become, the greater level of misalignment." This reeks of tautology (i.e. this phrase is true by definition because agitance IS misalignment).
My next issue was what felt like a tone of narcissism and shameless self-promotion by the author. We are given numerous new terminology throughout the book, which I found confusing and unscientific. The author frequently says "what I call _______", when common terminology would certainly suffice, unless he can sufficiently argue for a different definition. Come on!: Agitance and Discomfort and Misalignment are the same thing (so the cycle of agitance seems weird)! Resonance is Comfort or Balance. Let Down Effect? Cozy Paradox? Lecturing Your Emotions (is this possible?)? Conditioned Powerlessness (i.e. learned helplessness)? Brain Community? Inner Core State of Balance? This is either pseudoscience nonsense, or already has a scientific basis, but the author prefers his own new terms. The Schoen Breathing Technique is called "Deep breathing and holding your breath at the top and bottom". The agitance checklist even feels impossible not to score highly on. First, a 33% yes score means you're in the danger zone. I won't copy questions out of his possible propriety, but uncertainty avoidance is too common (and also is in other existing measures...) I found it too bold a claim that this Survivalist Strategy of the 21st Century (which seems none other than to boost my self-efficacy, or to learn to enjoy discomfort) should somehow be more beneficial than scientifically-supported findings of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the like.
Chapter 4 was just a very weird shift to a biochemical discussion of the "survival instinct", with impressive medical discussion about dopamine regulation and this and that. Despite this discussion, I am forced to ask: is this book REALLY about a survival instinct? What IS the survival instinct? I feel we never got a clear understanding of this, other than thinking of it as getting a panic attack from a cusp-catastrophe of discomfort. To be clear, the book is about discomfort and managing that, not managing your survival instinct itself. However, Part 2 speaks too openly about retraining your limbic system--which is unconscious, by the way--and finding harmony by making your brain work together. I'm jumping the gun on this section, but the science is too thin and the foundation of these claims too precarious to start a sound argument, though I agree with the ultimate point. (jenga)
Ch. 5: I'll define habits as repeated patterns of learned behavior. I don't really think there are Sick Habits, and an Insomnia Habit is just called insomnia. and protective/avoidance habits are phobias, not habits. I feel like medicine is really given short-shift here, where the author frequently gives examples of medicinal abuse (which no doubt, is true for many), but shouldn't be foregone in favor of willpower alone. I think many manage fear poorly, but the argument for willpower alone was disconcerting--and likely ineffective for many.
This leads me to PART TWO:
The contribution of this book NEEDS to be: what are some viable techniques to manage this growing (or lowered tolerance of) discomfort in our lives?
My main problem with some of recommendations is that many have unfounded bases on which to build arguments. If we can change our discomfort, we should be good, right? We just have to change our emotions by lowering our agitance, or by managing it (p. 132). I like some of the points to manage our comfort, but 15 points should really be like six (seriously, point 12 is the exact same as points 1, 3, 4, 5, 7 and 14, while some points are just weird, like 9 [well, just don't get agitated!]; same for the later list in Ch.10, and in an earlier list about conditioning...smh, pairing IS association). Moreover, many are just common knowledge, like other reviewers note (breathe, exercise, limit the amount of time spent on technology). I don't think we can control our limbic brain as simply as the author suggests, and the limits of willpower to manage truly stressful situations--beyond those that are just challenges. Neuroplasticity is an interesting field, but Dr. Schoen *REALLY* stretches to the malleability of many predispositions. But hey, self-help books can't profit unless people think they can make easy changes. I just wish there were a closer connection between the scientific findings presented, and the application Dr. Schoen makes to the concept of consciously managing discomfort for positive results. The jump from those studies to his assertions was too wide for me.
The point is, some events are **predisposed, chemical imbalances** to the way we live our life, imbalances that require professional and medicinal attention. Ultimately I would recommend many of these tools like breathing and yoga and tech-fasts, but this book shouldn't be considered a catch-all solution, and certainly we shouldn't think it so easy to really change our habits and just FEEL THE OPPOSITE! or EMBRACE IT! whenever we do feel discomfort. I don't think it's impossible, but more discussion of the fine-grained habitual changes in our life should be discussed, rather than redundancies, or trying to convince us--and weakly in my opinion--that we can consciously alter our brain physiology. Example: Simply because a study finds amygdala size is associated with social network size, doesn't mean increasing my social network size will increase my amygdala size. Correlation doesn't equal causation.
CONCLUSIONS:
I agree that discomfort is an issue with our lives, and books like The Shallows and Amusing Ourselves to Death have made that point more clear with regard to our attention and it's relation to digital technology use. The tools suggested here, like "don't use technology if technology is keeping you wired at night", are nothing new. Though I did think some points are valuable, it takes until Part 2 to really get to the meat, especially given that I think the scientific arguments offered in Part 1 were a bit loosely connected, and based on case studies and conjecture rather than theory. Don't think that the techniques offered here are going to be the quick fix you seek, because such a thing doesn't exist, and reinforces his point about instant gratification. If you want to change your agitance, change your habits causing your agitance. Follow some steps in this book on the habitual changes to make. But to start setting better habits (and don't shirk this point, because habits are HARD to change), I would start by reading The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson, which helps you to really work on getting to the core of changing your habits first. And as the author concedes in the end, simply because many people do overuse medications to get a short-term fix (leaving the underwater iceberg untouched), there is still value in professional help and many people do need medicine to deal with anxiety/discomfort. But if you are willing to work hard and fundamentally change how you approach situations, this book offers a couple good pointers.
I felt the general thesis of this book is fair: As a result of modern conveniences, we now live in a world where we are becoming less tolerant to discomfort. When this discomfort inevitably arises in our lives, our "survival instinct" sets in, leading to fear and panic. The book seeks to train individuals to better manage this discomfort, if even to avoid some forms of it altogether.
Part 1 of the book discusses the origins of discomfort, while Part 2 is the more self-help techniques offered by Dr. Schoen. I'll critique each part separately, for they are grounded in different issues.
PART ONE:
I was generally annoyed that this part committed such an atomistic fallacy. Too many case studies were used to draw general theoretical conclusions about the nature of discomfort. For instance, on p. 78 we are told that people "turn to medication, alcohol, and avoidant behaviors to deal with fear". Well, in some cases medication IS valuable, but the tone is such that everyone is overusing meds to deal with fear, as per your later disclaimer in Part 2 which backs off this claim a bit, p. 166 (Note: I am seriously curious if the publisher required that disclaimer be put in before press). Rather than these cases, a stronger argument from theory and scientific findings would bolster the lead-in to later assertions. But these things are lumped together as poor coping mechanisms. Some are, no doubt, but medicine does have it's place as valuable, just as it's unfair to also lump the discomfort of panic attack sufferers along with those of obese people seeking food to manage discomfort. Yet alas, readers may relate more to the stories and metaphors, and to the layperson "theory" has somehow become a pejorative synonym for "probably untrue". The book is 231 pages of what could be said in 50. Example (p. 49): "the more agitance we feel, the more out of sync we become with our inner and outside worlds. And the more out of sync we become, the greater level of misalignment." This reeks of tautology (i.e. this phrase is true by definition because agitance IS misalignment).
My next issue was what felt like a tone of narcissism and shameless self-promotion by the author. We are given numerous new terminology throughout the book, which I found confusing and unscientific. The author frequently says "what I call _______", when common terminology would certainly suffice, unless he can sufficiently argue for a different definition. Come on!: Agitance and Discomfort and Misalignment are the same thing (so the cycle of agitance seems weird)! Resonance is Comfort or Balance. Let Down Effect? Cozy Paradox? Lecturing Your Emotions (is this possible?)? Conditioned Powerlessness (i.e. learned helplessness)? Brain Community? Inner Core State of Balance? This is either pseudoscience nonsense, or already has a scientific basis, but the author prefers his own new terms. The Schoen Breathing Technique is called "Deep breathing and holding your breath at the top and bottom". The agitance checklist even feels impossible not to score highly on. First, a 33% yes score means you're in the danger zone. I won't copy questions out of his possible propriety, but uncertainty avoidance is too common (and also is in other existing measures...) I found it too bold a claim that this Survivalist Strategy of the 21st Century (which seems none other than to boost my self-efficacy, or to learn to enjoy discomfort) should somehow be more beneficial than scientifically-supported findings of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and the like.
Chapter 4 was just a very weird shift to a biochemical discussion of the "survival instinct", with impressive medical discussion about dopamine regulation and this and that. Despite this discussion, I am forced to ask: is this book REALLY about a survival instinct? What IS the survival instinct? I feel we never got a clear understanding of this, other than thinking of it as getting a panic attack from a cusp-catastrophe of discomfort. To be clear, the book is about discomfort and managing that, not managing your survival instinct itself. However, Part 2 speaks too openly about retraining your limbic system--which is unconscious, by the way--and finding harmony by making your brain work together. I'm jumping the gun on this section, but the science is too thin and the foundation of these claims too precarious to start a sound argument, though I agree with the ultimate point. (jenga)
Ch. 5: I'll define habits as repeated patterns of learned behavior. I don't really think there are Sick Habits, and an Insomnia Habit is just called insomnia. and protective/avoidance habits are phobias, not habits. I feel like medicine is really given short-shift here, where the author frequently gives examples of medicinal abuse (which no doubt, is true for many), but shouldn't be foregone in favor of willpower alone. I think many manage fear poorly, but the argument for willpower alone was disconcerting--and likely ineffective for many.
This leads me to PART TWO:
The contribution of this book NEEDS to be: what are some viable techniques to manage this growing (or lowered tolerance of) discomfort in our lives?
My main problem with some of recommendations is that many have unfounded bases on which to build arguments. If we can change our discomfort, we should be good, right? We just have to change our emotions by lowering our agitance, or by managing it (p. 132). I like some of the points to manage our comfort, but 15 points should really be like six (seriously, point 12 is the exact same as points 1, 3, 4, 5, 7 and 14, while some points are just weird, like 9 [well, just don't get agitated!]; same for the later list in Ch.10, and in an earlier list about conditioning...smh, pairing IS association). Moreover, many are just common knowledge, like other reviewers note (breathe, exercise, limit the amount of time spent on technology). I don't think we can control our limbic brain as simply as the author suggests, and the limits of willpower to manage truly stressful situations--beyond those that are just challenges. Neuroplasticity is an interesting field, but Dr. Schoen *REALLY* stretches to the malleability of many predispositions. But hey, self-help books can't profit unless people think they can make easy changes. I just wish there were a closer connection between the scientific findings presented, and the application Dr. Schoen makes to the concept of consciously managing discomfort for positive results. The jump from those studies to his assertions was too wide for me.
The point is, some events are **predisposed, chemical imbalances** to the way we live our life, imbalances that require professional and medicinal attention. Ultimately I would recommend many of these tools like breathing and yoga and tech-fasts, but this book shouldn't be considered a catch-all solution, and certainly we shouldn't think it so easy to really change our habits and just FEEL THE OPPOSITE! or EMBRACE IT! whenever we do feel discomfort. I don't think it's impossible, but more discussion of the fine-grained habitual changes in our life should be discussed, rather than redundancies, or trying to convince us--and weakly in my opinion--that we can consciously alter our brain physiology. Example: Simply because a study finds amygdala size is associated with social network size, doesn't mean increasing my social network size will increase my amygdala size. Correlation doesn't equal causation.
CONCLUSIONS:
I agree that discomfort is an issue with our lives, and books like The Shallows and Amusing Ourselves to Death have made that point more clear with regard to our attention and it's relation to digital technology use. The tools suggested here, like "don't use technology if technology is keeping you wired at night", are nothing new. Though I did think some points are valuable, it takes until Part 2 to really get to the meat, especially given that I think the scientific arguments offered in Part 1 were a bit loosely connected, and based on case studies and conjecture rather than theory. Don't think that the techniques offered here are going to be the quick fix you seek, because such a thing doesn't exist, and reinforces his point about instant gratification. If you want to change your agitance, change your habits causing your agitance. Follow some steps in this book on the habitual changes to make. But to start setting better habits (and don't shirk this point, because habits are HARD to change), I would start by reading The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson, which helps you to really work on getting to the core of changing your habits first. And as the author concedes in the end, simply because many people do overuse medications to get a short-term fix (leaving the underwater iceberg untouched), there is still value in professional help and many people do need medicine to deal with anxiety/discomfort. But if you are willing to work hard and fundamentally change how you approach situations, this book offers a couple good pointers.
December 28, 2019
I really, really enjoyed this one. Mindfulness mixed with ACT theory. So, nothing new, but practical and action-based and accessible (I'm not 100% sold on the Schoen Method of Breathing, but hell, I'll try it for a while).
I love the name he gives to the feeling of unease and incompleteness I get: agitance. That feeling that something is not-right and I need to take action to fix it. And I'm cycling through actions (often these involve eating. Or napping. Or watching YouTube in an effort to distract myself) but what I need to do is just sit with the agitance. Make friends with it, and train myself to create a duality: agitance and also peacefulness. Agitance and relaxation. Just as you can anchor a boat in a choppy sea: you are safe, you are still, even though the agitance is there.
I love having a name for it now. Agitance. I like how naming it gives me power. (I'm colonizing the twisting sensation in my gut, the ants under my skin, heh.) I name it: I can recognize it. See it for what it is. Acknowledge it and leave space for it to co-exist with my actions.
Schoen's practice revolves around 15 strategies, which are pretty much all just facets of the same D15:
1) Technology time out
2) Value imperfection
3) Limit sensory input
4) Chill at bedtime
5) Slow down
6) Stop procrastinating
7) Stop trying to get it all done
8) Embrace Uncertainty
9) Kick the anger habit
10) Keep a regular schedule
11) Expand your comfort zone
12) Take a breather
13) Delay the need for gratification (note to self: practice this!!)
14) Practice 'hanging out'
15) Exercise every day - even if only 5 minutes
I found Schoen's analysis really resonates with me regarding my procrastination over the last year . I procrastinate because I feel agitance and think I need to do something first, I'm just not sure what that something is. I can rationalize a thousand things I need to do before I begin, a hundred reasons why I must interrupt my plans. There truthfully is no "something". My challenge and goal for 2020 is to learn to sit with the agitance and act anyway. See - this is just exactly like ACT therapy, so this book works really well in tandem with The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT
Regarding gratitude, I think a lot about how planners now often have a section for 3 Daily Gratitudes, or Good Things That Happened, or Thankful Thought etc. And we know the benefit of being grateful and focusing on what we have instead of what we lack. So I particularly like Schoen's injunction to sit with the thought of gratitude for an appreciable amount of time, to focus on and feel that sense of joy and peace instead of rushing through an exercise in box-ticking.
I'm looking for a second-hand copy to buy and keep. It's going on my favorites shelf.
I love the name he gives to the feeling of unease and incompleteness I get: agitance. That feeling that something is not-right and I need to take action to fix it. And I'm cycling through actions (often these involve eating. Or napping. Or watching YouTube in an effort to distract myself) but what I need to do is just sit with the agitance. Make friends with it, and train myself to create a duality: agitance and also peacefulness. Agitance and relaxation. Just as you can anchor a boat in a choppy sea: you are safe, you are still, even though the agitance is there.
I love having a name for it now. Agitance. I like how naming it gives me power. (I'm colonizing the twisting sensation in my gut, the ants under my skin, heh.) I name it: I can recognize it. See it for what it is. Acknowledge it and leave space for it to co-exist with my actions.
Schoen's practice revolves around 15 strategies, which are pretty much all just facets of the same D15:
1) Technology time out
2) Value imperfection
3) Limit sensory input
4) Chill at bedtime
5) Slow down
6) Stop procrastinating
7) Stop trying to get it all done
8) Embrace Uncertainty
9) Kick the anger habit
10) Keep a regular schedule
11) Expand your comfort zone
12) Take a breather
13) Delay the need for gratification (note to self: practice this!!)
14) Practice 'hanging out'
15) Exercise every day - even if only 5 minutes
I found Schoen's analysis really resonates with me regarding my procrastination over the last year . I procrastinate because I feel agitance and think I need to do something first, I'm just not sure what that something is. I can rationalize a thousand things I need to do before I begin, a hundred reasons why I must interrupt my plans. There truthfully is no "something". My challenge and goal for 2020 is to learn to sit with the agitance and act anyway. See - this is just exactly like ACT therapy, so this book works really well in tandem with The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT
Regarding gratitude, I think a lot about how planners now often have a section for 3 Daily Gratitudes, or Good Things That Happened, or Thankful Thought etc. And we know the benefit of being grateful and focusing on what we have instead of what we lack. So I particularly like Schoen's injunction to sit with the thought of gratitude for an appreciable amount of time, to focus on and feel that sense of joy and peace instead of rushing through an exercise in box-ticking.
I'm looking for a second-hand copy to buy and keep. It's going on my favorites shelf.
August 18, 2020
This was an interesting read and kind of scientific. It is about why we do what we do, and also why we can't help ourselves, especially when it is tied into our Survival Instinct.
I liked his approach in identifying agitance. We are busy. The world is loud, and colorful. We tend to master our surroundings and constantly looking for something more interesting and as my mother would say, "More better". I have a son who suffers from anxiety. I've had to teach him coping skills through out the years. This book gave me some insights and ideas on that. So 4 stars.
Update:
I read this 5 years ago and at that time, I felt I got some useful ideas to help my son with his anxiety. I also liked the science. This time around though, there wasn't anything particularly new, but I still loved the brain science. I've read quite a few of these books over the years. I think "being comfortable with discomfort" will always be a challenge for him.
I liked his approach in identifying agitance. We are busy. The world is loud, and colorful. We tend to master our surroundings and constantly looking for something more interesting and as my mother would say, "More better". I have a son who suffers from anxiety. I've had to teach him coping skills through out the years. This book gave me some insights and ideas on that. So 4 stars.
Update:
I read this 5 years ago and at that time, I felt I got some useful ideas to help my son with his anxiety. I also liked the science. This time around though, there wasn't anything particularly new, but I still loved the brain science. I've read quite a few of these books over the years. I think "being comfortable with discomfort" will always be a challenge for him.
April 22, 2022
An interesting model for separating major elements of the brain and highlighting a central cause of inner conflict. Shoen offers models for self control that seems helpful, though I have not had a chance to apply it. The science is largely in layman's terms, and anecdotes bring his points to light clearly. This book walks the line between social science and self help, and I found it well worth the read.
May 20, 2013
talks about "agitance" rather than stress. We are always in a hurry, always expecting more, can't wait, can't tolerate discomfort. This kicks in our survival instinct which is hard on our bodies to be in a constant state of fight or flight. things to do about it - take a break from technology, tolerate imperfection, limit sensory input, regular schedule and bedtime, slow down, don't procrastinate,don't try to get it all done, embrace uncertainty, get rid of anger habit (always angry at something), expand your comfort zone,rest, don't expect instant gratification,chill out, exercise.
Good advice. Kind of a boring read. Repetitive.
Good advice. Kind of a boring read. Repetitive.
March 5, 2021
Discomfort threshold...
May 8, 2014
** Getting comfortable with discomfort **
Back in the Stone Ages, our survival instincts were really a matter of life or death. If a caveman didn’t have enough fear raging through him when confronted by a drooling tiger, the outlook was pretty grim.
Although we’re rarely confronted by drooling tigers in today’s world, our primitive survival instincts still kick in when they detect a threat—and, more often than not, the perceived threat is not an actual threat. Our body’s hypersensitivity to these “threats” takes quite the toll on our physical, biochemical, and psychological health.
Adding modern complexity to our stone-age wiring, our tolerance for discomfort is abysmally low, thanks to distractions galore and unlimited forms of quick (but fleeting) relief. And—ironically enough—it’s this discomfort with discomfort that’s making our lives more uncomfortable than they need to be.
As author Marc Schoen explains:
“Discomfort or vulnerability in our present day actually has more survival value than being comfortable once had in prehistoric times. Seeking and settling for comfort and familiarity now leads to rigidity and a constriction of brain resources. Although our ancient wiring strives for familiarity and comfort because it allowed us to survive in the past, today it actually impedes our ability to function and age more successfully. After all, aging is nothing more than a reflection of our behaviors and habits, as well as how we choose to preside over what we confront in life.” (p. 230)
So, what’s the remedy for this mismatch between our over-active survival instincts and strong urge to avoid discomfort? It’s all about getting comfortable with discomfort:
“The management of discomfort is the single most important skill for the twenty-first century. Whether your goal is improvement in work performance, health, or relationships, or higher levels of being, they are still ultimately contingent on developing a higher threshold of discomfort while relying less on the survival instinct to keep you safe. In this next century, our overly engaged survival instinct will be our biggest obstacle to finding health and happiness, and it will hold us back from exploring other areas that make life worth living...The survival instinct is truly our inner gatekeeper, separating us from our animalistic past and from our potentially more highly evolved selves. So becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and vulnerable is really the most important tool in the twenty-first century. Once you form this new relationship and partnership with discomfort, the survival instinct will be relegated to where it is truly needed. Any remaining obstacles will be far less formidable and much more manageable...with discomfort as our partner, we can go far.” (p. 231)
Through his book, Marc offers practical and effective ways to increase distress tolerance including:
• Taking a break from technology
• Valuing and tolerating imperfection
• Limiting the flood of sensory input
• Winding down before bedtime
• Slowing down during the day
• Stopping procrastination
• Refraining from trying to get it all done
• Embracing uncertainty
• Kicking the anger habit
• Keeping a regular schedule
• Expanding your comfort zone
• Taking a breather
• Delaying your need for gratification
• Practicing just hanging out
• Exercising
• Pairing discomfort with positive motivators and rewards, such as empathy, love, and compassion, strategy, challenge, fun and focus
Before reading this book, it might be hard to imagine how this claim could be true: “Discomfort is arguably the most powerful change agent we have to expand our lives in unimaginable ways.” (p. 225)
But, once you read the book and start retraining your brain, it won’t be so hard to imagine how achieving comfort with discomfort really does make for a more comfortable life.
September 27, 2018
It was not one of my favorites. Another book with a lot of research from a clinical professor at UCLA on discomfort training. He has his own website and advertises in his book for additional assistance for personal discomfort, which manifests itself into addictions such as eating, drinking, sex, etc. His approach is to “rewire the brain” from the cognitive pairing operant conditioning. The author premises that when we our uncomfortable at work or in our relationships, we use compulsive behaviors to cope (using a computer, sex, drinking, alchohol, food, etc) He spends hours on describing patients with varying disorders. Externalization can enhance triggers of discomfort. “The more instant gratification is available to us the higher our levels of agitants and the more we need to seek relief.” Our impulses do not lessen; it takes more and more of our “drug” to satisfy the compulsion. The expectation of perfection is a trigger for the discomfort. Far too often, anger becomes an addiction; and it is difficult to give up. In order to let go of anger, we have to let go against the grain of the override limbic Amygdala Anger stokes the fire of agitants. Embrace forgiveness. The focus of this book is to encourage us to face discomfort and build up a discomfort management system. Establishing routines can be helpful. Even though our outer mind or consciousness often lacks novelty and becomes bored with predictability our inner minds, or subconscious mind and body may seek predictability. Familiarity creates comfort. It is important to strike a balance between familiarity (predictability) and uncomfortable agitants or discomfort.
Experimenting with different foods and routes home from work can build patience and comfort. I learned a lot from the book that I recognized from other books. I would recommend the book if your are looking into the whys and how to overcome of personal demons..
Experimenting with different foods and routes home from work can build patience and comfort. I learned a lot from the book that I recognized from other books. I would recommend the book if your are looking into the whys and how to overcome of personal demons..
December 10, 2016
Like many self-help authors, Schoen has interesting points to make but falls serious victim to putting forward the idea that he's figure something out that is the most brilliant thing ever and is the only thing you'll ever need to learn EVER and will solve all of your problems if you just follow his advice exactly. Sheesh! For those of us with a low tolerance to dogma, this seriously undermines what's interesting about his argument.
I found the early analysis more interesting than his strategies, which again were made out to be the most brilliant ever. All that said, I did get a lot out of the general argument and premise, and I've been watching my reaction to discomfort and trying to hold it alongside safety and other positive feelings, rather than thinking I need to get rid of it immediately.
I found the early analysis more interesting than his strategies, which again were made out to be the most brilliant ever. All that said, I did get a lot out of the general argument and premise, and I've been watching my reaction to discomfort and trying to hold it alongside safety and other positive feelings, rather than thinking I need to get rid of it immediately.
October 9, 2013
This is possibly the most important book I will ever read. Groundbreaking and surprising this book offers unique and powerful (yet simple) tools to deal with the discomfort in our lives that create anxiety, anger, depression and maladaptive behaviors at unprecedented levels throughout our modern society.
This is not yet another one of those New Age books with recycled ideas about how to talk yourself out of your problems. Dr Schoen backs everything up with scientific research and case studies. I found it fascinating and helpful and can't wait to read his other book, "When Relaxation is Hazardous to Your Health" about the letdown effect.
If you are remotely interested in how you brain works, read this book!
This is not yet another one of those New Age books with recycled ideas about how to talk yourself out of your problems. Dr Schoen backs everything up with scientific research and case studies. I found it fascinating and helpful and can't wait to read his other book, "When Relaxation is Hazardous to Your Health" about the letdown effect.
If you are remotely interested in how you brain works, read this book!
March 24, 2015
Highlighted a lot of sections of this book, then tweeted the author and we ended up connecting to see what could possibly be created for my organization Modern Widows Club. A community of women building resilience and yet, disadvantaged and often paralyzed by fear in small and great ways. Sure hope a partnership is fulfilled.
I enjoyed the science behind learning we all have the qualities to live a resilient life.
I enjoyed the science behind learning we all have the qualities to live a resilient life.
July 26, 2018
Although the concepts and logical pathways make a compelling case for the author's positions, his explanations are long-winded, somewhat repetitive, and at times, hard to follow. I was hoping this book would offer more clarity to self-training techniques for handling instincts and learning to manage your responses to stress in beneficial ways. Instead I feel that I could have got the majority of the value from just reading the first couple chapters.
July 19, 2017
A very in depth look at the behavioral side of our brain. The main point is that being unable to manage stress results in survival instincts kicking in. The ability to thrive under pressure is a skill to develop. The author also focuses a lot on how modern convenience has altered our brains. If we are inconvenienced, we experience stress and other issues.
December 1, 2020
He lost me when he started equating porn usage to pedophilia. One does not naturally lead into the other. Some good information in this book but some BS as well. Use critical thinking and do your own research.
September 21, 2013
Author self-aggrandizes constantly. I got tired of him and his accomplishments.
October 23, 2017
Another self help book
Another self help book, with a lot of pseudo scientific talking. A typical book to read on a commuter train...
Another self help book, with a lot of pseudo scientific talking. A typical book to read on a commuter train...
February 3, 2024
Your Survival Instinct is Killing You by Marc Schoen is about people’s ability to deal with discomfort and how failing to do so effectively is linked to multiple health problems. Despite being an older book, it seems more relevant today than ever, with people bombarded by constant distractions. However, the idea of discomfort seems more relevant to issues of stress rather than touching on survival instincts.
The idea of state dependant learning makes sense, how we have feelings of agitation and discomfort and when paired with environmental conditions (eg, a room being hot and stuffy), we associate the physical sensations and form maladaptive coping behaviours. I’ve read about fragility/antifragility, and it’s interesting to see some of the ideas discussed here, how as we become more comfortable in life, little things bother us more.
There are some techniques for dealing with discomfort, including breathing exercises, changing your mindset, and reducing constant distractions. Overall, there are some helpful ideas in the book, but I feel like other books do a more through job of addressing the issues.
The idea of state dependant learning makes sense, how we have feelings of agitation and discomfort and when paired with environmental conditions (eg, a room being hot and stuffy), we associate the physical sensations and form maladaptive coping behaviours. I’ve read about fragility/antifragility, and it’s interesting to see some of the ideas discussed here, how as we become more comfortable in life, little things bother us more.
There are some techniques for dealing with discomfort, including breathing exercises, changing your mindset, and reducing constant distractions. Overall, there are some helpful ideas in the book, but I feel like other books do a more through job of addressing the issues.
May 2, 2018
One of the most important books of our time
Increasing comfort levels are leading us to overreact to discomfort. This is activating our survival instinct for more and more trivial issues, increasing our anxiety and reducing our ability to perform successfully and use our resources.
This book reframes discomfort, pointing out what it is and managing yourself to perform while uncomfortable is so important.
I have had a hairtrigger reaction to certain situations all my life. I tried all kinds of solutions: mostly cognitive but also accupressure, and others. None did the job fully because they weren't directed at retraining the response of my limbic system, the 'reptile' part of the brain.
After using these techniques for three days I am significantly calmer and starting to look forward to discomfort as the waves on which I will surf towards success. Do I enjoy my discomfort? No, because it has been a problem for too long? Can I master it? For the first time in a while, I actually think so.
Increasing comfort levels are leading us to overreact to discomfort. This is activating our survival instinct for more and more trivial issues, increasing our anxiety and reducing our ability to perform successfully and use our resources.
This book reframes discomfort, pointing out what it is and managing yourself to perform while uncomfortable is so important.
I have had a hairtrigger reaction to certain situations all my life. I tried all kinds of solutions: mostly cognitive but also accupressure, and others. None did the job fully because they weren't directed at retraining the response of my limbic system, the 'reptile' part of the brain.
After using these techniques for three days I am significantly calmer and starting to look forward to discomfort as the waves on which I will surf towards success. Do I enjoy my discomfort? No, because it has been a problem for too long? Can I master it? For the first time in a while, I actually think so.
March 15, 2021
Extremely dangerous book IMMHO. A bunch of Pseudo-sciences (no footnoted references provided to back up numerous claims of studies at least in the audiobook) appears to me to try to justifies sadism, undesirable masochism, and extreme bullying along with worker hostile management. Hypnosis appears to be recommended as a dominatrix type of control of youth. Enough truths to be frighteningly convincing. This may be an extrapolation of a theory-based apparently on 'no pain, no gain'. I worry that such behaviors solutions described if put into practice will create a dystopia of hurt and discomfort and subject us to the control of ruthless people. ((reference linked notes in hard copy / kindle version still no direct footnotes - there is a bibliography chapter link at the end of the non-audio-book, it say to go to the web site for reference if something listed as a study is not found in the bibliography)) Recommendation, self-help book recommendation that I think will make the world a BETTER place: Laugh Your Way to Happiness by Lesley Lyle.
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February 15, 2024Slightly repetitive. Nothing new if you have consumed any other type of media related to this idea. All the solutions offered were pretty common sense (although not necessarily easy) and not all that helpful. One solution is "value and tolerate imperfection" and he tries to simplify something that isn't simple. Most people are aware that they don't need to be perfect however tolerating imperfection isn't as simple as just knowing that. That is just one example to highlight the theme of this book.
August 14, 2021
This is good to understand more about your survival instinct. There are some things that makes so much sense and I wish I had known earlier. There are also some interesting findings that I would be taking with a grain of salt because it might be research on the edge where things are messy and constantly changing. Overall, It is very engaging,I love it!
October 16, 2017
This is a truly insightful book. Dr. Schoen really nails modern issues of psychology and presents practical, easy, and free methods for dealing with discomfort and how to use discomfort to make your life more full.
I highly recommend this book!
I highly recommend this book!
November 23, 2017
Some helpful strategies. Chapter 8 was probably the best chapter... there were more helpful tips and strategies there.
February 15, 2018
I think if you are under 40, this may be a more helpful read.
April 19, 2018
Nice book, offered a valid point about how discomfort can be spur of growth rather than being something to avoid. The secret is how to live the discomfort.
September 1, 2020
Great exercises for building confidence. Loved this book. Read it slowly as doing the exercises is very beneficial.
September 3, 2020
very probably. but I had to be a lawyer. where everyone drops by, and asks if you can solve the worst problem they've had in 5 years. in 2 hours . . .
September 5, 2022
现代生活的舒适悖论挺有启发的，作者也给出了提高双重感知能力的训练方法，不知道容不容易自己操作。
January 27, 2023
Good food for thought.
August 24, 2024
绝境中读的书，更好的深入解析了人为什么会被抑郁焦虑这样的病症打倒
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