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The Myths of Happiness
Happiness expert Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research-based lessons in how to find opportunity in life’s thorniest moments
In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky isolates the major turning points of adult life, looking to both achievements (marriage, children, professional satisfaction, wealth) and failures (singlehood, divorce, financial ruin, illness) to reveal that our misconceptions about the impact of such events is perhaps the greatest threat to our long-term well-being.
Lyubomirsky argues that we have been given false promises—myths that assure us that lifelong happiness will be attained once we hit the culturally confirmed markers of adult success. This restricted view of happiness works to discourage us from recognizing the upside of any negative life turn and blocks us from recognizing our own growth potential. Our outsized expectations transform natural rites of passage into emotional land mines and steer us to make toxic decisions, as The Myths of Happiness reveals.
Because we expect the best (or the worst) from life’s turning points, we shortsightedly place too much weight on our initial emotional responses. The Myths of Happiness empowers readers to look beyond their first response, sharing scientific evidence that often it is our mindset—not our circumstances—that matters. Central to these findings is the notion of hedonic adaptation, the fact that people are far more adaptable than they think. Even after a major life change—good or bad—we tend to return to our initial happiness level, forgetting what once made us elated or why we felt that life was so unbearable. The Myths of Happiness offers the perspective we need to make wiser choices, sharing how to slow the effects of this adaptation after a positive turn and find the way forward in a time of darkness.
In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky turns an empirical eye to the biggest, messiest moments, providing readers with the clear-eyed vision they need to build the healthiest, most satisfying life. A corrective course on happiness and a call to regard life’s twists and turns with a more open mind, The Myths of Happiness shares practical lessons with life-changing potential.
In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky isolates the major turning points of adult life, looking to both achievements (marriage, children, professional satisfaction, wealth) and failures (singlehood, divorce, financial ruin, illness) to reveal that our misconceptions about the impact of such events is perhaps the greatest threat to our long-term well-being.
Lyubomirsky argues that we have been given false promises—myths that assure us that lifelong happiness will be attained once we hit the culturally confirmed markers of adult success. This restricted view of happiness works to discourage us from recognizing the upside of any negative life turn and blocks us from recognizing our own growth potential. Our outsized expectations transform natural rites of passage into emotional land mines and steer us to make toxic decisions, as The Myths of Happiness reveals.
Because we expect the best (or the worst) from life’s turning points, we shortsightedly place too much weight on our initial emotional responses. The Myths of Happiness empowers readers to look beyond their first response, sharing scientific evidence that often it is our mindset—not our circumstances—that matters. Central to these findings is the notion of hedonic adaptation, the fact that people are far more adaptable than they think. Even after a major life change—good or bad—we tend to return to our initial happiness level, forgetting what once made us elated or why we felt that life was so unbearable. The Myths of Happiness offers the perspective we need to make wiser choices, sharing how to slow the effects of this adaptation after a positive turn and find the way forward in a time of darkness.
In The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky turns an empirical eye to the biggest, messiest moments, providing readers with the clear-eyed vision they need to build the healthiest, most satisfying life. A corrective course on happiness and a call to regard life’s twists and turns with a more open mind, The Myths of Happiness shares practical lessons with life-changing potential.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2012
261 people are currently reading
8705 people want to read
About the author
Sonja Lyubomirsky
14 books242 followersThe majority of my research career has been devoted to studying human happiness. Why is the scientific study of happiness important? In short, because most people believe that happiness is meaningful, desirable, and an important, worthy goal, because happiness is one of the most salient and significant dimensions of human experience and emotional life, because happiness yields numerous rewards for the individual, and because it makes for a better, healthier, stronger society. Along these lines, my current research addresses three critical questions: 1) What makes people happy?; 2) Is happiness a good thing?; and 3) How and why can people learn to lead happier and more flourishing lives?
Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?
I have always been struck by the capacity of some individuals to be remarkably happy, even in the face of stress, trauma, or adversity. Thus, my earlier research efforts had been focused on trying to understand why some people are happier than others (for a review and theoretical framework, see Lyubomirsky, 2001). To this end, my approach had been to explore the cognitive and motivational processes that distinguish individuals who show exceptionally high and low levels of happiness. These processes include social comparison (how people compare themselves to peers), dissonance reduction (how people justify both trivial and important choices in their lives), self-evaluation (how people judge themselves), and person perception (how people think about others). All of these processes, it turns out, have hedonic implications – that is, positive or negative consequences for happiness and self-regard – and thus are relevant to elucidating individual differences in enduring well-being. My students and I have found that truly happy individuals construe life events and daily situations in ways that seem to maintain their happiness, while unhappy individuals construe experiences in ways that seem to reinforce unhappiness. In essence, our research shows that happy individuals experience and react to events and circumstances in relatively more positive and more adaptive ways. For a recent example, we found that happy individuals are relatively more likely than their less happy peers to “endow” positive memories (i.e., store them in their emotional “bank ACCOUNTS”) but to “contrast” negative memories (i.e., “life is so much better now”) (Liberman, Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Ross, 2011).
On-going studies in my laboratory are exploring additional cognitive and motivational processes that support the differing worlds of enduring happiness versus chronic unhappiness. For example, several investigations have revealed that unhappy individuals are more likely than happy ones to dwell on negative or ambiguous events (Lyubomirsky, Boehm, Kasri, & Zehm, 2011). Such “dwelling” or rumination may drain cognitive resources and thus bring to bear a variety of negative consequences, which could further reinforce unhappiness. These findings demonstrate some of the maladaptive by-products of self-reflection, suggesting that not only is the “unexamined life” worth living, but it is potentially full of happiness and joy.
To cast our work on happiness in a broader framework, we have also been exploring the meaning, expression, and pursuit of happiness across cultures, subcultures, and age groups (e.g., Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Sheldon, 2011). For example, despite media reports, we have found that parents actually experience more happiness and meaning than do non-parents–both when evaluating their lives as a whole, when going about their days, and when caring for their children (versus doing other ACTIVITIES; Nelson, Kushlev, English, Dunn, & Lyubomirsky, 2013). Of course, parents’ happiness is impacted by myriad factors, including their age and SES and their children’s ages and temperaments (Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubomirsky, in press). Furthermore, we are currently carrying out happiness-increasing interventions among Japanese engineers,
Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?
I have always been struck by the capacity of some individuals to be remarkably happy, even in the face of stress, trauma, or adversity. Thus, my earlier research efforts had been focused on trying to understand why some people are happier than others (for a review and theoretical framework, see Lyubomirsky, 2001). To this end, my approach had been to explore the cognitive and motivational processes that distinguish individuals who show exceptionally high and low levels of happiness. These processes include social comparison (how people compare themselves to peers), dissonance reduction (how people justify both trivial and important choices in their lives), self-evaluation (how people judge themselves), and person perception (how people think about others). All of these processes, it turns out, have hedonic implications – that is, positive or negative consequences for happiness and self-regard – and thus are relevant to elucidating individual differences in enduring well-being. My students and I have found that truly happy individuals construe life events and daily situations in ways that seem to maintain their happiness, while unhappy individuals construe experiences in ways that seem to reinforce unhappiness. In essence, our research shows that happy individuals experience and react to events and circumstances in relatively more positive and more adaptive ways. For a recent example, we found that happy individuals are relatively more likely than their less happy peers to “endow” positive memories (i.e., store them in their emotional “bank ACCOUNTS”) but to “contrast” negative memories (i.e., “life is so much better now”) (Liberman, Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Ross, 2011).
On-going studies in my laboratory are exploring additional cognitive and motivational processes that support the differing worlds of enduring happiness versus chronic unhappiness. For example, several investigations have revealed that unhappy individuals are more likely than happy ones to dwell on negative or ambiguous events (Lyubomirsky, Boehm, Kasri, & Zehm, 2011). Such “dwelling” or rumination may drain cognitive resources and thus bring to bear a variety of negative consequences, which could further reinforce unhappiness. These findings demonstrate some of the maladaptive by-products of self-reflection, suggesting that not only is the “unexamined life” worth living, but it is potentially full of happiness and joy.
To cast our work on happiness in a broader framework, we have also been exploring the meaning, expression, and pursuit of happiness across cultures, subcultures, and age groups (e.g., Boehm, Lyubomirsky, & Sheldon, 2011). For example, despite media reports, we have found that parents actually experience more happiness and meaning than do non-parents–both when evaluating their lives as a whole, when going about their days, and when caring for their children (versus doing other ACTIVITIES; Nelson, Kushlev, English, Dunn, & Lyubomirsky, 2013). Of course, parents’ happiness is impacted by myriad factors, including their age and SES and their children’s ages and temperaments (Nelson, Kushlev, & Lyubomirsky, in press). Furthermore, we are currently carrying out happiness-increasing interventions among Japanese engineers,
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September 25, 2014
NOTE: Although I am not familiar with the author's finances, I am relatively sure that she is rather wealthy judging from the examples taken from her own life (e.g. moving to a new house where the shower has six shower heads, husband is a securities lawyer, etc.). To her credit, she does acknowledge the limitations that wealth (or a relative lack thereof) places on her research.
1. Pursue an appropriate goal
The crisis point at the heart of this section concerns our anxiety about not having yet achieved our dreams, yet the empirical evidence reveals that the critical factor in whether goal pursuit makes us happy lies in enjoying the journey and not in realizing the end-goal (dream).
Ask yourself the following questions about your so-far unrealized ambition or dream.
Is your goal—say, to start your own business—attainable?
Who is the owner of the goal—you or someone else?
Does it conflict with a long-held plan (e.g., to spend a lot of time with family or travel around the world)?
Do you truly feel “yourself” when you are pursuing your ambition or fantasizing about it?
Do you expect to grow in the process or to develop lasting relationships?
Would you still do it if the compensation were much more modest?
First, make a mental note of your initial intuitions or gut reactions about the path you should be taking—perhaps even write them down—and then shelve them for a while. After you spend time thinking through your situation systematically, you may reconsider the initial gut reaction in light of new information or insights. Second, seek the opinion of an outsider (impartial friend or counselor) or simply make an effort to take an objective observer’s perspective. The key is to liberate yourself from the nitty-gritty details of your particular problem (say, that you’re currently experiencing a loss of passion) and try to consider the broader class of problems to which yours belongs (say, the course of physical attraction in a long-term relationship).
Third, consider the opposite of whatever your gut instinct is telling you to do, and systematically play through the consequences in your mind. And, finally, when your crossroads involves multiple decisions (as opposed to just one), weigh all your options simultaneously rather than separately. Research reveals that such “joint” decision making is more successful and less prone to bias than “separate” decision making.
2. Plan as many (frequent, novel and) pleasurable experiences as possible into your life - happiness is correlated to frequency irrespective of intensity, novelty, anticipation, and an absence of obvious opportunity costs (e.g. why didn't I try the daily special instead of the usual)
A simple thrift strategy is suggested by research on the emotional benefits of forging positive experiences that are frequent rather than intense (e.g., several modest restaurant dinners rather than a single blowout) and separated rather than combined (rationing out our favorite Sopranos episodes week by week rather than splurging on several at a time).
Thus, although advertisers might tell us otherwise, we should aim to spend our money on a series of small intermittent pleasures (e.g., bouquets of fresh flowers or long-distance phone calls to close friends) rather than one big costly amenity (like a fancy sound system). This practice turns out to be both gratifying and relatively cheap. The reason is that when we savor a positive experience—whether it’s a gripping movie, half an hour in a massage chair, or a delicious piece of lemon cake—“the banquet is in the first bite.” In other words, with each passing minute, hour, or week, our capacity to savor the same experience dwindles. However, our capacity to savor and enjoy can be replenished after a break. Thus, carving up our consumption into smaller doses and separating it out by time can multiply those “first bites” and increase our pleasure.
Indeed, researchers who studied a thousand Dutch vacationers concluded that by far the greatest amount of happiness extracted from the vacation is derived from the anticipation period, a finding that suggests that we should not only prolong that period but aim to take several small vacations rather than one mega-vacation.
1. Pursue an appropriate goal
The crisis point at the heart of this section concerns our anxiety about not having yet achieved our dreams, yet the empirical evidence reveals that the critical factor in whether goal pursuit makes us happy lies in enjoying the journey and not in realizing the end-goal (dream).
Ask yourself the following questions about your so-far unrealized ambition or dream.
Is your goal—say, to start your own business—attainable?
Who is the owner of the goal—you or someone else?
Does it conflict with a long-held plan (e.g., to spend a lot of time with family or travel around the world)?
Do you truly feel “yourself” when you are pursuing your ambition or fantasizing about it?
Do you expect to grow in the process or to develop lasting relationships?
Would you still do it if the compensation were much more modest?
First, make a mental note of your initial intuitions or gut reactions about the path you should be taking—perhaps even write them down—and then shelve them for a while. After you spend time thinking through your situation systematically, you may reconsider the initial gut reaction in light of new information or insights. Second, seek the opinion of an outsider (impartial friend or counselor) or simply make an effort to take an objective observer’s perspective. The key is to liberate yourself from the nitty-gritty details of your particular problem (say, that you’re currently experiencing a loss of passion) and try to consider the broader class of problems to which yours belongs (say, the course of physical attraction in a long-term relationship).
Third, consider the opposite of whatever your gut instinct is telling you to do, and systematically play through the consequences in your mind. And, finally, when your crossroads involves multiple decisions (as opposed to just one), weigh all your options simultaneously rather than separately. Research reveals that such “joint” decision making is more successful and less prone to bias than “separate” decision making.
2. Plan as many (frequent, novel and) pleasurable experiences as possible into your life - happiness is correlated to frequency irrespective of intensity, novelty, anticipation, and an absence of obvious opportunity costs (e.g. why didn't I try the daily special instead of the usual)
A simple thrift strategy is suggested by research on the emotional benefits of forging positive experiences that are frequent rather than intense (e.g., several modest restaurant dinners rather than a single blowout) and separated rather than combined (rationing out our favorite Sopranos episodes week by week rather than splurging on several at a time).
Thus, although advertisers might tell us otherwise, we should aim to spend our money on a series of small intermittent pleasures (e.g., bouquets of fresh flowers or long-distance phone calls to close friends) rather than one big costly amenity (like a fancy sound system). This practice turns out to be both gratifying and relatively cheap. The reason is that when we savor a positive experience—whether it’s a gripping movie, half an hour in a massage chair, or a delicious piece of lemon cake—“the banquet is in the first bite.” In other words, with each passing minute, hour, or week, our capacity to savor the same experience dwindles. However, our capacity to savor and enjoy can be replenished after a break. Thus, carving up our consumption into smaller doses and separating it out by time can multiply those “first bites” and increase our pleasure.
Indeed, researchers who studied a thousand Dutch vacationers concluded that by far the greatest amount of happiness extracted from the vacation is derived from the anticipation period, a finding that suggests that we should not only prolong that period but aim to take several small vacations rather than one mega-vacation.
February 6, 2017
The underlying message of this book: We adapt.
Human beings have a tremendous capacity to adapt to new things or circumstances. This phenomenon is called hedonic adaptation. Therefore, ruminating about bad stuffs and being scared of an absence of good stuffs in our life don't make sense. Because human beings adapt.
This book was just okay. I thought it was more of the science or theories behind happiness but turned out, it was just a set of self-help tips in achieving happiness in certain situations: relationship, kids, jobs, money, etc. I didn't quite like the format. Initially, I thought the division of the situations would be complemented with specific tips for a particular situation but really, most of the tips can be applied to ALL situations. The format was weird, bland and messy. The most frustating part is, the division of the topics made me think that some situations weren't relevant to me, so I could easily skim over situations which didn't necessarily apply to me - but apparently I couldnt. I have to read ALL parts because ALL the tips are generally related to each topic.
Despite the setback of this book, I quite enjoyed reading it. The tips provided seemed simple and common. But sometimes, you just need something to slap you on the face, you just need to hear it from someone else. I dont know, sometimes you just need it.
Human beings have a tremendous capacity to adapt to new things or circumstances. This phenomenon is called hedonic adaptation. Therefore, ruminating about bad stuffs and being scared of an absence of good stuffs in our life don't make sense. Because human beings adapt.
This book was just okay. I thought it was more of the science or theories behind happiness but turned out, it was just a set of self-help tips in achieving happiness in certain situations: relationship, kids, jobs, money, etc. I didn't quite like the format. Initially, I thought the division of the situations would be complemented with specific tips for a particular situation but really, most of the tips can be applied to ALL situations. The format was weird, bland and messy. The most frustating part is, the division of the topics made me think that some situations weren't relevant to me, so I could easily skim over situations which didn't necessarily apply to me - but apparently I couldnt. I have to read ALL parts because ALL the tips are generally related to each topic.
Despite the setback of this book, I quite enjoyed reading it. The tips provided seemed simple and common. But sometimes, you just need something to slap you on the face, you just need to hear it from someone else. I dont know, sometimes you just need it.
February 18, 2013
I found this book's topic refreshing. The author takes a series of "I can't be happy if/when... (fill in the blank)" fallacies and lays them to rest. Using the theory of hedonic adaptation - our tendency to get used to almost anything positive that happens to us - she argues that certain adult achievements (marriage, kids, job, wealth), while initially satisfying, will not make us intensely happy (or for as long) as we expect they will.
Conversely, on the negative side of things, she highlights that time and time again, human beings are masters of surviving and, to her point, even thriving under difficult circumstances - so crises in our lives don't tend to make us as unhappy (or unhappy for as long) as we might believe. The truth is also that if you consider the single worst thing that has happened to you in recent years and the single best, we are often surprised that they are one and the same (eg laid off from your job only to find a much more fulfilling career). Basically, devastating crossroads can be gateways to positive change.
Overall, I appreciated this book because it helped put a scientific/behavioral paradigm around happiness in our society. I certainly came away feeling like the author succeeded in de-bunking many of these pervasive happiness myths, which was a breathe of fresh air.
Conversely, on the negative side of things, she highlights that time and time again, human beings are masters of surviving and, to her point, even thriving under difficult circumstances - so crises in our lives don't tend to make us as unhappy (or unhappy for as long) as we might believe. The truth is also that if you consider the single worst thing that has happened to you in recent years and the single best, we are often surprised that they are one and the same (eg laid off from your job only to find a much more fulfilling career). Basically, devastating crossroads can be gateways to positive change.
Overall, I appreciated this book because it helped put a scientific/behavioral paradigm around happiness in our society. I certainly came away feeling like the author succeeded in de-bunking many of these pervasive happiness myths, which was a breathe of fresh air.
June 19, 2024
This book strikes a middle course between academic psychology and popular self-help. It’s a bit dry and analytical, but focuses on great questions. The myths are popular assumptions that “I’ll be happy when I have XXX,” or else “I can’t be happy if I don’t have YYY.” All are deconstructed and found to be not necessarily so, largely because “hedonic adaptation” makes all things seem increasingly normal over time. I found the book initially depressing, mainly because the discussion exposed how lazy and defensive I am. But that’s what the studies show about the initial effects of considering happiness myths. It starts out disillusioning, then starts to feel better. The most interesting part was about alternative pasts—thinking about the differences that other choices would have made, which strangely tends to make you more appreciative. One typically good question is “If you conclude one day that you haven’t ‘made it,’ is that conclusion based on your personal goals or on some norm or standard set by others?”
Want to read
January 6, 2013I heard about this book on the Diane Rehm show and now want to read it immediately!
October 30, 2018
ไม่มีสูตรวิเศษใดๆ สำหรับความสุขและไม่มีเส้นทางใดตายตัวสำหรับความทุกข์เศร้าหมองใจ ไม่มีอะไรในชีวิตที่จะบันดาลความสุขหรือความทุกข์ให้อย่างที่เราคิด
การเข้าใจถึงคุณค่าของข้อเท็จจริงในข้อนี้ ไม่เพียงแต่จะช่วยปลดปล่อยเราให้เป็นอิสระ ทำให้เราเป็นตัวของตัวเองมากขึ้น และทำให้เรามีโลกทัศน์กว้างไกล แต่ยังทำให้เรามีโอกาสที่ดีที่สุดในการเลือกสิ่งที่ดีและถูกต้องอีกด้วย
- Sonja Lyubomirsky, The Myths of Happiness
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หนังสือเล่มนี้นำเสนอมายาคติ 10 ประการเกี่ยวกับความสุข โดยอิงกับงานวิจัยทางจิตวิทยา มายาคติดังกล่าวเกี่ยวข้องกับชุดความเชื่อที่ว่า "ฉันจะมีความสุขก็ต่อเมื่อ..." หรือ "ฉันจะไม่มีความสุขเมื่อ..." ซึ่งเราต่างยึดถือมันมาใช้เป็นแนวทางในการดำเนินชีวิต ผู้เขียนยามหักล้างมายาคติเหล่านี้ด้วยงานวิจัยพิสูจน์แล้วว่ามันไม่เป็นความจริง
สำหรับผม ฐานะที่ทำงานด้านจิตวิทยา หากจะกล่าวว่าความทุกข์ใจของผู้คนเกิดจากมายาคติที่มีต่อชีวิตก็ย่อมได้ ผมเรียกมันว่า "เงื่อนไข" ที่คนเราสร้างขึ้นให้กับชีวิตของตน ยิ่งมีเงื่อนไขตายตัวกับชีวิตมากเท่าใด โอกาสที่จะเกิดปัญหาหรือความทุกข์ใจก็ยิ่งมากขึ้นเท่านั้น
หนังสือเล่มนี้นำเสนอว่า แม้เราจะมีความสุขกับสิ่งที่อยู่นอกตัวก็จริง ไม่ว่าจะเป็นทรัพย์สินเงินทอง หรือความสะดวกสบายในชีวิต สิ่งเหล่านี้ก็ให้ความสุขเราได้ในระดับหนึ่งเท่านั้น มันคือปัจจัยพื้นฐาน แต่ไม่ใช่ปัจจัยสำคัญที่จะกำหนดความสุขและความทุกข์ในชีวิตได้อย่างสิ้นเชิง ยังมีความสุขรูปแบบอื่นที่ไม่ได้ขึ้นอยู่กับวัตถุสิ่งของด้วย
ผมคิดว่าเป็นเรื่องน่าเสียดายมาก ที่หนังสือแปลทำนองนี้ไม่เป็นที่นิยมในหมู่ผู้อ่านชาวไทย มันไม่ใช่หนังสือฮาวทูที่ผู้เขียนนำเสนอคำแนะนำเป็นข้อ ๆ ตามความคิดเห็นของตัวเอง แต่เนื้อหาทั้งหมดล้วนอ้างอิงจากงานวิจัย ผมได้หนังสือเล่มนี้มาจากกองหนังสือลดราคา ในราคา 50 บาท
การเข้าใจถึงคุณค่าของข้อเท็จจริงในข้อนี้ ไม่เพียงแต่จะช่วยปลดปล่อยเราให้เป็นอิสระ ทำให้เราเป็นตัวของตัวเองมากขึ้น และทำให้เรามีโลกทัศน์กว้างไกล แต่ยังทำให้เรามีโอกาสที่ดีที่สุดในการเลือกสิ่งที่ดีและถูกต้องอีกด้วย
- Sonja Lyubomirsky, The Myths of Happiness
----------
หนังสือเล่มนี้นำเสนอมายาคติ 10 ประการเกี่ยวกับความสุข โดยอิงกับงานวิจัยทางจิตวิทยา มายาคติดังกล่าวเกี่ยวข้องกับชุดความเชื่อที่ว่า "ฉันจะมีความสุขก็ต่อเมื่อ..." หรือ "ฉันจะไม่มีความสุขเมื่อ..." ซึ่งเราต่างยึดถือมันมาใช้เป็นแนวทางในการดำเนินชีวิต ผู้เขียนยามหักล้างมายาคติเหล่านี้ด้วยงานวิจัยพิสูจน์แล้วว่ามันไม่เป็นความจริง
สำหรับผม ฐานะที่ทำงานด้านจิตวิทยา หากจะกล่าวว่าความทุกข์ใจของผู้คนเกิดจากมายาคติที่มีต่อชีวิตก็ย่อมได้ ผมเรียกมันว่า "เงื่อนไข" ที่คนเราสร้างขึ้นให้กับชีวิตของตน ยิ่งมีเงื่อนไขตายตัวกับชีวิตมากเท่าใด โอกาสที่จะเกิดปัญหาหรือความทุกข์ใจก็ยิ่งมากขึ้นเท่านั้น
หนังสือเล่มนี้นำเสนอว่า แม้เราจะมีความสุขกับสิ่งที่อยู่นอกตัวก็จริง ไม่ว่าจะเป็นทรัพย์สินเงินทอง หรือความสะดวกสบายในชีวิต สิ่งเหล่านี้ก็ให้ความสุขเราได้ในระดับหนึ่งเท่านั้น มันคือปัจจัยพื้นฐาน แต่ไม่ใช่ปัจจัยสำคัญที่จะกำหนดความสุขและความทุกข์ในชีวิตได้อย่างสิ้นเชิง ยังมีความสุขรูปแบบอื่นที่ไม่ได้ขึ้นอยู่กับวัตถุสิ่งของด้วย
ผมคิดว่าเป็นเรื่องน่าเสียดายมาก ที่หนังสือแปลทำนองนี้ไม่เป็นที่นิยมในหมู่ผู้อ่านชาวไทย มันไม่ใช่หนังสือฮาวทูที่ผู้เขียนนำเสนอคำแนะนำเป็นข้อ ๆ ตามความคิดเห็นของตัวเอง แต่เนื้อหาทั้งหมดล้วนอ้างอิงจากงานวิจัย ผมได้หนังสือเล่มนี้มาจากกองหนังสือลดราคา ในราคา 50 บาท
February 27, 2019
This book provides a refreshing new vantage point on the major turning points of adult life: marriage, children, career, wealth. It also shows new strategies for dealing with life’s failures: singlehood, divorce, financial problems, illness, etc. The author reveals some major misconceptions about the impact good and bad events will have on long-term well-being.
Lyubomirsky argues that the path-of-life narrative we all learned is simply not realistic. We’ve all been assured that happiness and fulfillment will be attained once we hit the culturally anointed markers of success.
The good news is that the research shows that things typically work out better than you might think. People who don’t find their soulmate, live on tight budgets, experience serious health challenges, and don’t attain career success still have pretty great lives. It’s usually our expectations that make us miserable, not the actual circumstances of the situation.
In the book she draws on research to reveal new insights on how the big events of life typically play out. The highs will not be as rapturous as we think and the lows will not be as disappointing.
I found this to be a very practical book with solid strategies and new insights into the best ways to make life’s disappointments less painful and life’s successes more long lasting.
Lyubomirsky argues that the path-of-life narrative we all learned is simply not realistic. We’ve all been assured that happiness and fulfillment will be attained once we hit the culturally anointed markers of success.
The good news is that the research shows that things typically work out better than you might think. People who don’t find their soulmate, live on tight budgets, experience serious health challenges, and don’t attain career success still have pretty great lives. It’s usually our expectations that make us miserable, not the actual circumstances of the situation.
In the book she draws on research to reveal new insights on how the big events of life typically play out. The highs will not be as rapturous as we think and the lows will not be as disappointing.
I found this to be a very practical book with solid strategies and new insights into the best ways to make life’s disappointments less painful and life’s successes more long lasting.
January 16, 2013
The basic message is this: Humans adapt. We get used to really good things in time (and take them for granted) and we get used to really bad things in time too. So fearing the really bad stuff doesn't really help anything, and fearing a life without the really good stuff doesn't make sense either. I came away from this book with the reassuring notion that one's life experience, once basic needs are met, is mostly in what you think about it.
October 16, 2013
Bullet Review:
DNFing at page 50.
I was thinking this book would be a bit more generic, more about how the mind reacted to happiness and unhappiness. Instead, this looks at specific events (I'll be happy when I meet Mr. Right, I can't be happy now that I have cancer, etc.) and how we react and can counteract.
Problem is - I don't need any of that. I love my life. I'm not in a many years long committed relationship, bored and repetitive. I'm not single and whining for a spouse. I'm not desperate for kids, money, a new job, etc. I am not unemployed or sick or nearing a midlife crisis and unable to be happy.
So continuing to read this is pointless, even if there are interesting concepts about hedonic adaptation.
If ANY of the above concepts describe you, maybe you will enjoy. I can't deny that the author seems to have done pretty good research and has a good writing style. But why waste time on a book that won't really teach me anything? There are far too many other books out there to read.
DNFing at page 50.
I was thinking this book would be a bit more generic, more about how the mind reacted to happiness and unhappiness. Instead, this looks at specific events (I'll be happy when I meet Mr. Right, I can't be happy now that I have cancer, etc.) and how we react and can counteract.
Problem is - I don't need any of that. I love my life. I'm not in a many years long committed relationship, bored and repetitive. I'm not single and whining for a spouse. I'm not desperate for kids, money, a new job, etc. I am not unemployed or sick or nearing a midlife crisis and unable to be happy.
So continuing to read this is pointless, even if there are interesting concepts about hedonic adaptation.
If ANY of the above concepts describe you, maybe you will enjoy. I can't deny that the author seems to have done pretty good research and has a good writing style. But why waste time on a book that won't really teach me anything? There are far too many other books out there to read.
August 27, 2015
In The Myths of Happiness, Lyubomirsky gives excellent advice for coping with different situations that can occur in life. Most of it didn't apply to me.
I wish she had come right out and said something like: it doesn't matter what happens to you externally in life, it's what goes on internally that counts. People come and go, situations come and go, time passes, the world turns, the rain falls...it's all just life. But, she's never that straight forward about it. The whole book consists of specific advice for methods in each problem area. I actually liked the conclusion best where she talked about herself a bit and it read, for a page, more like a memoir than a self help book. So, this just wasn't my thing.
I wish she had come right out and said something like: it doesn't matter what happens to you externally in life, it's what goes on internally that counts. People come and go, situations come and go, time passes, the world turns, the rain falls...it's all just life. But, she's never that straight forward about it. The whole book consists of specific advice for methods in each problem area. I actually liked the conclusion best where she talked about herself a bit and it read, for a page, more like a memoir than a self help book. So, this just wasn't my thing.
May 16, 2022
I found this to be a unique and refreshing take on what makes one happy. It reminded me that we can't be happy all the time and that no thing (or person/job/situation) can make us truly happy for very long because we adapt...we get desensitized. So we need variety, risk, acceptance, and a solid and informed perspective (to put it in a nutshell). A very timely book for me.
March 28, 2019
There’s something about reading Sonja Lyubomirsky - you know that she makes a lot of sense and that you ought to really read this with intent and purpose but the mind wanders. I wonder why? Is it just me? Lyubomirsky, if at all you are interested in the science of happiness, is the foremost scientist on happiness. I had read her earlier book and while this book breaks down several of the myths, I felt that the reading of it might be a tad difficult. Yes, some of the myths need to be yelled at from rooftops - the myth that marriage makes you happy; the myth that being childless makes you unhappy; the myth that we need a lot of money - with her decades of research behind her, Lyubomirsky sets out to show how these myths are just that - myths.
The biggest takeaway for me is how Sonja talks about turning regrets into resilience. The counter-factor way of turning what we think are seemingly bad things in our life into powerful weapons of growth - that’s where the book hit home.
November 17, 2017
“Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while you are thinking about it.”
This was a quote that Sonja Lyubomirsky mentioned in the Introduction. She credited it to a fortune-cookie, but for me this quote set the tone for the whole book.
Sonja makes well thought out points about happiness. How we see, comprehend and relate to it. Unlike most of the self-help books I have read, "The Myth of Happiness" has a very simple process - Change your viewpoint. I for one liked it and plan to make sure I read this book several times a year.
In compliance with FTC guidelines, I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
This was a quote that Sonja Lyubomirsky mentioned in the Introduction. She credited it to a fortune-cookie, but for me this quote set the tone for the whole book.
Sonja makes well thought out points about happiness. How we see, comprehend and relate to it. Unlike most of the self-help books I have read, "The Myth of Happiness" has a very simple process - Change your viewpoint. I for one liked it and plan to make sure I read this book several times a year.
In compliance with FTC guidelines, I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads.
April 11, 2020
”Mijn ervaring bestaat uit dat waar ik aandacht aan besteed. Mijn geest wordt slechts gevormd door de zaken die ik opmerk.” (William James, filosoof, 1890)
Psychologisch immuunsysteem (Gilbert en Wilson):
- vaardigheden om niet in te storten onder stress: rationaliseren, veerkracht etc
- Werkt ook na positieve gebeurtenissen: hedonistische adaptatie = gewend raken aan positieve dingen.
Uit onderzoek blijkt dat ondanks vooroordeel niet de man, maar de vrouw als eerste seksueel verveeld raakt en belangstelling voor seks verliest met dezelfde partner. Door sociale acceptatie gaan zij niet vreemd, maar haken af.
Doelen in relaties:
- toenaderingsdoelen: voornemen om relatie dieper en hartelijker te maken, alletwee groeien.
- Vermijdingsdoelen: uit de weg gaan van onenigheid en ruzies.
Stellen met toenaderingsdoelen grootste kans op behouden levendige seksuele relatie.
Het feit dat hartstochtelijke liefde afneemt is onderdeel van mens-zijn. Strategieën om dit te vertragen:
- Waardering uiten
- Afwisseling
- Verrassing
- Vleugje nieuwheid, uitbreidende activiteiten
- Goed omgaan met goed nieuws
- Je partner helpen om haar/zijn ideale zelf te worden
- Kracht van aanraking
Strategieën om een groot probleem in een relatie te accepteren:
- Soelaas en blijdschap zoeken buiten de relatie: familie, vrienden
- Manieren vinden om dingen achter je te laten en meer grip te krijgen op het dagelijks leven: afstand nemen, opschrijven en opbergen
- Vergeving; maar niet te vaak en te gemakkelijk, word geen voetveeg.
Ongelukkig ouderschap:
- Vaker door veel dagelijkse ergernissen dan door een of enkele grote trauma’s.
- Te verminderen door ergernissen met gevoel op te schrijven. Daardoor begrijpen we ze beter en worden ze minder scherp.
- Uitzoomen en het grote plaatje zien: rol kinderen in je leven, situatie over x jaar...
Ongelukkig in werk? Ook in werk treedt hedonistische adaptatie op. Strategieën:
- Matig je aspiraties.
- Stel jezelf een rooskleurig(er) toekomst voor.
- Maak geen funeste vergelijkingen met anderen.
- Het nastreven van een doel is belangrijker voor geluk dan het behalen van het doel.
- Waar ben je intrinsiek voor gemotiveerd?
- Verkies groei en risico boven veiligheid
Materialisme: we worden er minder aardig van, zet een rem op geluk, minder meevoelend, minder geneigd om anderen te helpen, bedreigt tevredenheid met onze relaties, is schadelijk voor het milieu.
Strategieën:
- besteed geld aan activiteiten die behoeften bevredigen.
- Spendeer geld aan anderen
- Besteed geld aan het ‘kopen’ van tijd: minder werken, klussen uitbesteden. Wel iets zinvols doen met de vrij gekomen tijd.
Zien wat je wilt zien:
- Iedereen leeft in een ‘eigen wereld’ door verschil in aandacht, focus.
- Goed om onze aandacht af en toe rust te geven: slaap, natuur, meditatie.
Mattheus-effect (sociologie): “wie heeft zal nog meer krijgen, en wel in overvloed.” De opwaardse spiraal van positieve emoties.
Positief = die je gelukkig maken, of nieuwsgierig, enthousiast, rustig, hartelijk, in beslag genomen, zelfverzekerd, trots...
Sleutel tot geluk en gezondheid is niet intensiteit maar hoe vaak we ons positief en gelukkig voelen. Dus: kleine momenten van blijdschap, rust en enthousiasme maken uit.
Mens reageert twee maal op negatieve ervaringen met gezondheid:
- Korte termijn: jezelf mobiliseren, je kracht inschakelen voor vechten of vluchten
- Langere termijn: minimaliseren van de eerste reacties, rust zoeken, troost, hoop opzoeken.
Psychologisch immuunsysteem (Gilbert en Wilson):
- vaardigheden om niet in te storten onder stress: rationaliseren, veerkracht etc
- Werkt ook na positieve gebeurtenissen: hedonistische adaptatie = gewend raken aan positieve dingen.
Uit onderzoek blijkt dat ondanks vooroordeel niet de man, maar de vrouw als eerste seksueel verveeld raakt en belangstelling voor seks verliest met dezelfde partner. Door sociale acceptatie gaan zij niet vreemd, maar haken af.
Doelen in relaties:
- toenaderingsdoelen: voornemen om relatie dieper en hartelijker te maken, alletwee groeien.
- Vermijdingsdoelen: uit de weg gaan van onenigheid en ruzies.
Stellen met toenaderingsdoelen grootste kans op behouden levendige seksuele relatie.
Het feit dat hartstochtelijke liefde afneemt is onderdeel van mens-zijn. Strategieën om dit te vertragen:
- Waardering uiten
- Afwisseling
- Verrassing
- Vleugje nieuwheid, uitbreidende activiteiten
- Goed omgaan met goed nieuws
- Je partner helpen om haar/zijn ideale zelf te worden
- Kracht van aanraking
Strategieën om een groot probleem in een relatie te accepteren:
- Soelaas en blijdschap zoeken buiten de relatie: familie, vrienden
- Manieren vinden om dingen achter je te laten en meer grip te krijgen op het dagelijks leven: afstand nemen, opschrijven en opbergen
- Vergeving; maar niet te vaak en te gemakkelijk, word geen voetveeg.
Ongelukkig ouderschap:
- Vaker door veel dagelijkse ergernissen dan door een of enkele grote trauma’s.
- Te verminderen door ergernissen met gevoel op te schrijven. Daardoor begrijpen we ze beter en worden ze minder scherp.
- Uitzoomen en het grote plaatje zien: rol kinderen in je leven, situatie over x jaar...
Ongelukkig in werk? Ook in werk treedt hedonistische adaptatie op. Strategieën:
- Matig je aspiraties.
- Stel jezelf een rooskleurig(er) toekomst voor.
- Maak geen funeste vergelijkingen met anderen.
- Het nastreven van een doel is belangrijker voor geluk dan het behalen van het doel.
- Waar ben je intrinsiek voor gemotiveerd?
- Verkies groei en risico boven veiligheid
Materialisme: we worden er minder aardig van, zet een rem op geluk, minder meevoelend, minder geneigd om anderen te helpen, bedreigt tevredenheid met onze relaties, is schadelijk voor het milieu.
Strategieën:
- besteed geld aan activiteiten die behoeften bevredigen.
- Spendeer geld aan anderen
- Besteed geld aan het ‘kopen’ van tijd: minder werken, klussen uitbesteden. Wel iets zinvols doen met de vrij gekomen tijd.
Zien wat je wilt zien:
- Iedereen leeft in een ‘eigen wereld’ door verschil in aandacht, focus.
- Goed om onze aandacht af en toe rust te geven: slaap, natuur, meditatie.
Mattheus-effect (sociologie): “wie heeft zal nog meer krijgen, en wel in overvloed.” De opwaardse spiraal van positieve emoties.
Positief = die je gelukkig maken, of nieuwsgierig, enthousiast, rustig, hartelijk, in beslag genomen, zelfverzekerd, trots...
Sleutel tot geluk en gezondheid is niet intensiteit maar hoe vaak we ons positief en gelukkig voelen. Dus: kleine momenten van blijdschap, rust en enthousiasme maken uit.
Mens reageert twee maal op negatieve ervaringen met gezondheid:
- Korte termijn: jezelf mobiliseren, je kracht inschakelen voor vechten of vluchten
- Langere termijn: minimaliseren van de eerste reacties, rust zoeken, troost, hoop opzoeken.
March 15, 2023
#قراءات2023
#السعادة_الحقيقية_والسعادة_الزائفة
كتاب من كتب التنمية الذاتية أو مايسمى ب ال self help
من عنوانه بيتكلم عن مفهوم السعادة
وبيطرح اسئلة مهمة
هل أنت شخص سعيد؟ الى أي مدى إنت راضي عن وظيفتك؟؟ عن زواجك؟؟ عن شريكك الحالي؟؟ عن دخلك؟؟
وسؤال مهم جداً
هل لو غيرت وظيفتك هتشعر بسعادة أكبر؟؟
هل لو كنت مع شريك حياة تاني هتكون أفضل؟؟
هل لو كنت أكثر ثراءاً هتحس بسعادة أكتر ورضى عن وضعك؟؟
بعد كدة بيبدأ الكاتب ياخد كل جزء ويتكلم عنه بشكل علمي وبإحصائيات مؤكدة
ف بنتعرف على مراحل الرضا ف كل جزء(الوظيفة-الزواج...الخ)
وإمتى معدل الرضا بيكون ثابت وإمتى كلنا بنمر بفترات ملل وعدم رضا عن حياتنا
بعدها بيبتدي يعطينا حلول
يعني مثلاً ف الوظيفة بيقترح علينا نشتغل كأنه آخر شهر لينا ف الشغل...ونشوف هنحس ب إيه، كمان بيقترح إننا ناخد بريك كل فترة معينة ف اليوم لتجديد النشاط، حلول تانية كتير
كمان ف الزواج بيفاجئنا بإحصائية إن أغلب الأزواج بيحسوا بملل ف مرحلة معينة خاصة مع ضغوط الحياة والتعود، بيدي حلول فعالة للقضاء على الملل الزوجي قبل إتخاذ قرار الإنفصال الصعب
وهكذا في كل فصول الكتاب
الكتاب منظم، أسلوب العرض شيق رغم مادته العلمية الصعبة إلى حد كبير خاصةً لغير المتخصصين، الحلول أغلبها فعال جداً وسهل تطبيقها
الترجمة ممتازة وسلسلة جداً...نقطة قوة كبيرة فعلاً للكتاب
كتاب مهم...كل واحد فينا هيلاقي حل لمشكلة بيواجهها فيه
إصدار مميز جداً من دار دون
16/70
4-مارس
#السعادة_الحقيقية_والسعادة_الزائفة
كتاب من كتب التنمية الذاتية أو مايسمى ب ال self help
من عنوانه بيتكلم عن مفهوم السعادة
وبيطرح اسئلة مهمة
هل أنت شخص سعيد؟ الى أي مدى إنت راضي عن وظيفتك؟؟ عن زواجك؟؟ عن شريكك الحالي؟؟ عن دخلك؟؟
وسؤال مهم جداً
هل لو غيرت وظيفتك هتشعر بسعادة أكبر؟؟
هل لو كنت مع شريك حياة تاني هتكون أفضل؟؟
هل لو كنت أكثر ثراءاً هتحس بسعادة أكتر ورضى عن وضعك؟؟
بعد كدة بيبدأ الكاتب ياخد كل جزء ويتكلم عنه بشكل علمي وبإحصائيات مؤكدة
ف بنتعرف على مراحل الرضا ف كل جزء(الوظيفة-الزواج...الخ)
وإمتى معدل الرضا بيكون ثابت وإمتى كلنا بنمر بفترات ملل وعدم رضا عن حياتنا
بعدها بيبتدي يعطينا حلول
يعني مثلاً ف الوظيفة بيقترح علينا نشتغل كأنه آخر شهر لينا ف الشغل...ونشوف هنحس ب إيه، كمان بيقترح إننا ناخد بريك كل فترة معينة ف اليوم لتجديد النشاط، حلول تانية كتير
كمان ف الزواج بيفاجئنا بإحصائية إن أغلب الأزواج بيحسوا بملل ف مرحلة معينة خاصة مع ضغوط الحياة والتعود، بيدي حلول فعالة للقضاء على الملل الزوجي قبل إتخاذ قرار الإنفصال الصعب
وهكذا في كل فصول الكتاب
الكتاب منظم، أسلوب العرض شيق رغم مادته العلمية الصعبة إلى حد كبير خاصةً لغير المتخصصين، الحلول أغلبها فعال جداً وسهل تطبيقها
الترجمة ممتازة وسلسلة جداً...نقطة قوة كبيرة فعلاً للكتاب
كتاب مهم...كل واحد فينا هيلاقي حل لمشكلة بيواجهها فيه
إصدار مميز جداً من دار دون
16/70
4-مارس
April 15, 2024
إن أحد اهتماماتي العلمية الأساسية هو في مجال التكيف اللذيذ - أي حقيقة أن البشر لديهم قدرة رائعة على التعود أو التأقلم مع معظم ��لتغيرات الحياتية .
موضوع ساخن اليوم في مجالات علم النفس والاقتصاد ، يشرح التكيف اللذيذ سبب تلاشي إثارة النصر وعذاب الهزيمة مع مرور الوقت . لكن الأمر المذهل بشكل خاص في هذه الظاهرة هو أنها أكثر وضوحًا فيما يتعلق بالتجارب الإيجابية.
في الواقع ، اتضح أننا نميل إلى اعتبار كل شيء إيجابي يحدث لنا أمرًا مسلمًا به. عندما ننتقل إلى دور علوي جديد جميل بإطلالة رائعة ، عندما نخضع لجراحة تجميلية ، عندما نشتري سيارة جديدة فاخرة أو هاتف ذكي من الجيل التاسع ، عندما نربح مكتبًا في الزاوية وزيادة على الأجر في العمل ، عندما ننغمس في هواية جديدة ، وحتى عندما نتزوج ، نحصل على دفعة فورية من السعادة بسبب الوضع المحسن ؛ لكن التشويق يستمر لفترة قصيرة فقط. خلال الأيام والأسابيع والأشهر القادمة ، نجد أن توقعاتنا بدأت تتصاعد ونبدأ في أخذ ظروفنا الجديدة المحسنة كأمر مسلم به. لنعلق فيما بعد في حالة (ركود السعادة)
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Sonja Lyubomirsky
The Myth Of Happiness
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
موضوع ساخن اليوم في مجالات علم النفس والاقتصاد ، يشرح التكيف اللذيذ سبب تلاشي إثارة النصر وعذاب الهزيمة مع مرور الوقت . لكن الأمر المذهل بشكل خاص في هذه الظاهرة هو أنها أكثر وضوحًا فيما يتعلق بالتجارب الإيجابية.
في الواقع ، اتضح أننا نميل إلى اعتبار كل شيء إيجابي يحدث لنا أمرًا مسلمًا به. عندما ننتقل إلى دور علوي جديد جميل بإطلالة رائعة ، عندما نخضع لجراحة تجميلية ، عندما نشتري سيارة جديدة فاخرة أو هاتف ذكي من الجيل التاسع ، عندما نربح مكتبًا في الزاوية وزيادة على الأجر في العمل ، عندما ننغمس في هواية جديدة ، وحتى عندما نتزوج ، نحصل على دفعة فورية من السعادة بسبب الوضع المحسن ؛ لكن التشويق يستمر لفترة قصيرة فقط. خلال الأيام والأسابيع والأشهر القادمة ، نجد أن توقعاتنا بدأت تتصاعد ونبدأ في أخذ ظروفنا الجديدة المحسنة كأمر مسلم به. لنعلق فيما بعد في حالة (ركود السعادة)
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Sonja Lyubomirsky
The Myth Of Happiness
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
February 27, 2018
I have always enjoyed Sonja Lyunomirsky’s books on positive psychology and happiness. This book does not disappoint. Many of us are waiting for happiness, believing that we cannot be happy in the present. I liked Lyubomirsky’s approach of debunking the myths of happiness, that we can’t be happy or can only be happy when we have the right job, meet the right partner, have lots of money, achieve our goals. By exploring and acknowledging these myths we can better navigate life’s challenges and transitions.
January 29, 2021
I'm happy I started listening to this book right before getting laid off from what I considered my dream job. It has been a source of validation and has helped me move on from the event.
It reminded me to find solace by reaching out to loved ones. Not to dwell on the past and instead look towards the opportunities now available for me. It also helped me to start redefining my goals and how to attain them.
A lot of the topics intrinsically rang true for me although I'm not sure about completely becoming a satisfactionist vs maximizer. I normally find that looking for a really good deal to the point that I'm satisfied with a purchase has had long lasting good results for me. This may just be a personal quirk though.
It reminded me to find solace by reaching out to loved ones. Not to dwell on the past and instead look towards the opportunities now available for me. It also helped me to start redefining my goals and how to attain them.
A lot of the topics intrinsically rang true for me although I'm not sure about completely becoming a satisfactionist vs maximizer. I normally find that looking for a really good deal to the point that I'm satisfied with a purchase has had long lasting good results for me. This may just be a personal quirk though.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 24, 2025
,,Tariamės žiną, ar konkretus gyvenimo posūkis mus prajuokins, ar pravirkdys, bet iš tikrųjų teigiami ir neigiami įvykiai dažnai būna susipynę, todėl be galo sudėtinga prognozuoti, kokios pasekmės ir kokiais netikėtais būdais gali užgriūti."
June 29, 2022
3.5 or 4 stars.
October 2, 2024
The ideas were there but sometimes poorly thought out. It was a little redundant at times.
Read
January 3, 2022I read the Intro and Conclusion… skimmed the rest.
September 10, 2022
누구가 인간관계에서 부정적 경험을 피하는 것보다는 긍정적 경험을 증가시키려고 노력하면 된다는 뜻이니 말이다.
긍적적 감정 대 부정적 감정의 비율이 최소 3대 1은 되어야 한다는 얘기다.
고통스러운 경험을 건강하게 생각하는 법을 제시한 새로운 연구가 있다. 요점은 우리가 자신의 부정적 감정과 문제를 ‘자신과 거리를 두고self-distanced’ 분석해야 한다는 것이다. 다시 말해 우리는 다른 사람의 눈으로 스스로를 관찰하고 생각하려고 노력해야 한다는 말이다. 게다가 과거의 경험을 ‘나의 시각’으로만 생각하고 다시 떠올리는 일(창피했던 순간과 싸움을 머릿속으로 자꾸 되새기는 것)은 피해야 한다. ‘자기 관점’에만 사로잡히면 대개 부정적인 것만 되새김질 하는 독이 된다. 나쁜 경험을 관찰자의 시선에서 보게 되면 그 일을 새로운 각도에서 볼 수 있고, 통찰력이 생기며, 마음을 정리할 수 있다.
걱정거리를 봉인 가능한 용기에 담는 행위는 일종의 안도감을 주고, 내가 내 감정을 제어할 수 있다고 느끼게 해준다.
어려운 일이나 고민에 대해 가슴 깊은 곳에 있는 감정을 글로 쓰는 것이 신체적, 정신적 건강을 개선해줄 수 있다는 것을 발견했다. 빈 노트나 일기장을 한 권 사서 글쓰기를 시작한다. 최소한 3일에서 5일은 연달아 써야 하며 오래 쓸수록 좋다. 가장 힘들거나 화났던 경험에 관해 마음 깊이 자리한 생각과 감정을 쓰면 된다. 이 전략의 성공 비밀은 이런 감정에 관해 쓰는 행위, 단어 그 자체에 있는 것 같다. 걱정거리와 문제에 관해 글을 쓰기 되면 스스로 그 일을 이해하고 감수하는데 도움이 된다. 내 안의 감정적 풍파를 단어로 표현하면 그 감정을 납득할 수 있고 그 감정에 적응하고 넘어갈 수 있다. 이것은 궁극적으로 이런 감정의 소용돌이를 가까운 다른 이들에게 털어놓을 수 있게 준비시켜준다. 그러니 언어가 중요한 요소인 것이다. 격한 감정과 이미지를 일관성 있는 이야기로 변환하는 행위는 괴로움과 고통을 구조화하는 방법, 그에 관해 생각하는 방법, 우리의 인생담으로 통합하는 방법을 바꾼다. 더욱이 그 일기를 수년 후, 혹은 수십 년 후에 다시 읽게 되면 분명히 새로운 평가와 즐거움, 통찰을 얻는 기쁨까지 누릴 수 있을 것이다.
그 어떤 개인도, 아무리 운명적 사랑이라고 해도, 모든 상황에서 언제나 나의 전부가 될 수는 없다. 우리는 개인적 위기 상황에 대한 정서적 지지가 필요하기도 하고, 때로는 지적인 자극이 필요하며, 최근의 정치상황에 대한 통찰이 필요할 때도 있다. 기술적, 경제적인 조언이 필요할 때도 있고, 열과 성을 다해 내 등을 두드려줄 사람이 필요할 때도 있으며, 타성에서 벗어나려고 호통쳐줄 사람이 필요할 때도 있다. 많은 시간을 배우자에게 의지해온 사람들은 이 모든 욕구를 충족시키기에는 더 불리하다. 요컨대 많은 연구들이 강하고 따뜻하고 충만한 대인 관계가 우리를 행복하게 만든다는 점을 보여준다. 그러나 그 핵심적 관계가 반드시 성적이거나 이성 간의 관계여야 하는 것은 아니다.
로맨스 파트너가 없으면 결코 행복해질 수 없으리라는 생각이 강하게 들때 우리가 취할 수 있는 방법은 여러 가지다. 하나는 밖으로 나가 최대한 많은 사람을 만나고 데이트하는 것이다.
또 다른 방법은 로맨스 파트너가 없이도 정말로 행복할 수 있다는 생각을 받아들이고 스스로를 결혼하겠다는 목표에서 해방시키는 것이다. 그리고 독신자로서 삶을 충만하고 풍성하게 만드는 것이다. 물론 미래의 관계에 관해, 그것이 인생의 제 1의 목표는 아니더라도, 문을 열어두는 것은 자유이다.
마지막 방법은 자신이 도달할 수 있는 최고의 행복과 낙관주의와 전인격을 갖춘 성공한 사람이 되기 위해 온힘을 다해 노력하는 것이다. 그리고 이렇게 새로운 사람이 되면 최고의 짝을 끌어당기게 될 것임을 믿는 것이다. 이 대안부터 이야기를 시작해보자. 요체는 긍정적이고 행복하고 낙관적인 사람이 되면 현재의 독신 생활을 최대한 즐길 수 있을 뿐만 아니라, 커플이 될 가능성도 더 높아질 것이라는 점이다. 낙관주의는 ‘모든 게 어쨌든 지나치게 나쁜 쪽으로는 흘러가지 않을 것이라고 어느 정도 믿는 태도’정도로 좁게 정의한다.
우리가 외롭고 혼자라고 느끼는 날에, 최상의 자아를 만들어내기 위해서는 이런 종류의 ‘소박한 낙관주의’로 시작하는 것이 도움이 될 것이다. 하루를 견뎌낼 수 있을 것이라는 기대, 원하는 것을 모두 성취하지는 못하더라도 그 일부는 성취할 수 있으리라는 기대, 원하는 것을 항상 얻을 수는 없겠으나 절실하게 필요한 것은 얻을 수 있을 것이라는 기대, 삶을 신뢰해도 된다는 생각, 패배하지는 않을 것이라는 생각, 모든 게 잘 되지 않을 때에도 더 나아질 거라는 생각 등.
긍정적 사고를 강화하는 것으로 입증된 수많은 검증된 활동들이 있다. 가장 효과가 좋은 전략은 매일 10분에서 20분 정도 시간을 내서 규칙적으로 미래의 희망과 꿈을 일기로 쓰는 것이다. 꿈이 실현된 장면을 이미지로 그려보고, 어떻게 달성했는지, 그리고 성취 후에는 어떤 느낌임지를 묘사한다. 이 연습은 짧게 2분만 해도 우리를 더 행복하고 건강하게 만들어준다. 낙관적 사고는 장애와 역경에 굴하지 않고 전진하는 데 도움을 준다.
그러나 긍적적 생각이 눈앞의 냉혹한 현실을 견뎌내지 못해서, 부정적 추론과 결론에 흔들릴 때가 틀림없이 올 것이다. 그런 상황에서 빛을 발하는 방법이 있다. 주변 환경을 긍정적으로 재해석함으로써 부정적 사고와 싸우는 데 도움이 되는 방법으로서, 다음 사항을 글로 쓰는 것이다.
-현재의 문제점 혹은 장애물
-그것에 대한 최초의 해석
-긍정적 재해석
본질적으로 낙관주의를 실천한다는 것은 우리의 꿈과 목표를 현실적으로 판단할 수 있는 유연성과 넓은 시야를 가진다는 것이다.
친밀한 소울 메이트와 남은 생을 함께 보낸다는 목표를 내려놓았다면 어떻게 해나가야 할까? 과학자들은 더 나은 새로운 목표를 위해 비현실적인 목표를 접을 수 있는 과단성과 유연성 못지않게, 이루지 못한 꿈에 대해서 평정심을 유지하는 것이 매우 중요하다는 점을 밝혀냈다.
확실하게 앞으로 나아가기 위해서는 세 가지 단계가 필요하다. 첫째 짝을 찾으려는 노력을 줄인다. 둘째 짝을 찾는다는 목표가 이제까지 생각하던 것처럼 의미 있거나 중요하거나 행복에 결정적인 요소가 아니라는 점을 받아들인다. 셋째 대안적인 활동을 찾아서 실천한다. 그리고 나 자신과 나의 정체성에 대해 달리 생각하는 법을 학습한다.
사회적 비교는 신경 쓰지 않아도 자연스럽고 무의식적으로 일어나는 일이다. 모든 비교에 대해 눈을 감아 버리거나 다른 사람에게 전혀 신경 쓰지 않을 수는 없다. 내 자신의 성취에 만족하는 비결은 타인의 강점이나 성취를 무시하는 데 있는 게 아니라 그런 관찰의 부정적 결론으로 괴로워하지 않는 데 있음이 드러났다. 달리 말래 사회적 비교가 나를 괴롭히지 않도록 하면 되는 것이다.
'내가 얼마나 잘 하는가(성공적인가, 똑똑한가, 유쾌한가, 잘 나가는가, 윤리적인가)?'라는 질문에 대해 자기 내부에 있는 객관적 기준에 의거해 답하는 사람들이 가장 행복한 사람들이다.
사회적 비교라는 습관은 어릴 때부터 시작된다. 그러나 더 잘하는 사람은 언제나 있기 때문에 이런 비교는 우리의 기분을 좋게 해주기보다는 나쁘게 만드는 경우가 더 많다. 우리는 내 가치를 판단할 때 다른 사람들은 덜 참조하고 내 개인적인 기준에 더 의존할 것을 목표로 삼아야 한다. 스스로 비교를 하고 있는 것을 느끼게 되면 '그만'이라고 소리치거나 다른 즐거운 일들로 즉시 주의를 돌려야 한다.
그리고 무시하기가 불가능하다면 '타인의 불행에서 기쁨을 얻기'보다는 '타인의 성취에서 기쁨을 얻어'보려고 애써야 한다.
우리가 그 분투의 과정을 즐긴다면 목표를 추구하거나 목표를 위해 노력 중이라는 사실만으로도 기쁨과 만족을 얻을 수 있다. 목표를 추구하면 해야 할 일과 데드라인, 계획표 등이 생기므로 일상이 짜임새 있어지고 의미 있어진다. 그 과정에서 한 단계를 완수하게 되면 그 성취한 단계나 하위 목표(이것들 때문에 기분이 좋아지고 자신감이 올라갈 것이다)를 음미하면서 더 힘을 내서, 이미 성취한 목표엣 새로운 목표로 옮겨갈 수 있게 된다. 우리는 처음부터 최종 결승선에 너무 집중할 것이 아니라 진전을 이루는 여러 단계를 하나씩 수행하는데 초점을 맞추어야 한다. 그리고 그 과정을 최대한 즐겨야 한다.
누구나 새로운 직장 혹은 사업이 주는 참신함, 흥분, 도전에 길들여지게 되어 있다는 점을 이해하는 것이다. 현재의 직장이나 우리의 동료, 혹은 직업의식에은 아무런 잘못이 없는데 그저 우리가 자연적으로 발생하는 극히 인간적인 과정을 경험하고 있을지 모른다.
일을 점차 지루하게 느끼게 되는 이 과정을 늦추거나 되돌리기 위해 미리 내가 뭘 할 수 있을지 아는 것이다. 그리고 최대한 빨리 적절한 전략을 실천하는 것이다. 이런 노력을 아무리 기울여도 효과가 없고, 일이 정말로 수준 이하이거나 나의 선호와 능력에 맞지 않는다면, 그때는 더 자신 있게 준비된 상태에서 옮겨 타기를 결심할 수 있을 것이다.
우리가 성공(혹은 인정, 권한, 보상)을 원하는 이유가 행복이 거기에 달려 있다고 생각하기 때문이라면, 그런 생각이 현재의 행복을 제한할 뿐만 아니라 미래의 행복을 위협한다는 점이다. 무언가를 이루는 것은 불행에 대한 처방이 아니다. 독이 되는 비교를 그만두고 내적 기준에 집중하자. 결과보다는 꿈을 추구하는 여정에 초점을 맞추자.
행복은 단순히 기분이 좋은 것과만 관련된 것이 아니다. 행복은 기분이 나쁜 것과도 관련된다. 부정적 경험을 줄이면 긍정적 경험을 창조하는 것 보다 3배에서 5배나 큰 영향을 준다. 따라서 적은 것으로도 행복해지기 위한 현명한 행동의 첫 단계는, 빚을 줄이거나 없애는 것이다. 꼭 필요하지 않은 제품이나 서비스에 우리 돈을 소모해서는 안된다.
심리학 연구에 따르면 돈을 최대한 즐기기 위해서는 여섯 가지 원칙에 따라 살아야 한다. 물건보다 경험에 돈을 지출하고, 그 경험들 사이에 간격을 둘 것.
욕구를 충족시키는 활동에 써라. 최대한의 정서적 이익을 만들어내는 구매 혹은 지출은 인간의 기본적 욕구 세 가지 중에서 최소한 하나를 충족시킬 때이다. 1)역량(유능하다, 전문가라는 느낌), 2)관계성(소속감, 타인들과 교류한다는 느낌), 3)자율성(자신의 삶을 지배하고 통제한다는 느낌). 이런 활동은 행복을 가져다 줄뿐만 아니라, 갈수록 더 많은 것을 바라게 되는 중독 현상을 일으키지 않기 때문에 더욱 중요한 의미를 가진다.
자신이 아니라 다른 사람들을 위해 써라. 돈이 있다는 것은 지역사회에 실질적으로 기여하고 나아가 세계를 바꿀 수 있는 능력을 가지고 있다는 뜻이다.
시간을 벌기 위해 써라.
돈을 지금 지불하되 기다리는 기쁨을 누려라.
항상 이루고 싶었던 것들 중 많은 것을 (명목상으로라도) 이루고 나면, 삶은 재미없고 공허해진다. 더 이상 기대할 것이 없기 때문이다.
행복을 살 수 있는 핵심 열쇠는 우리가 얼마나 성공적인가가 아니라 성공을 가지고 뭘 하느냐에 달려 있으며, 소득이 얼마나 큰가가 아니라 소득을 어떻게 분배하느냐에 달려 있다.
내가 관심 갖기로 한 것이 내 경험이 된다.
자연이 주는 평화
명상이 주는 평화
한마디로 집중의 힘
사람들을 조사해보면 대부분의 사람들이 어떤 경험이 자신을 행복하게 해주고 어떤 경험은 그렇지 않은지 모른다는 사실에 깜짝 놀라게 한다. 그래서 나는 사람들에게 '매일의 경험' 일기를 쓰라고 가르치기 시작했다. 하루 중 특정한 시간에(예컨대 일주일 동안 매일 아침 9시와 오후 2시, 오후 7시) 자신의 감정을 기록하고 이 감정을 일으킨 사건과 상황, 사람, 활동을 적는 것이다. 이것은 일상적 경험 중 어떤 것이 당신에게 긍정적 감정을 일으키는지 쉽고 효과적으로 알 수 있는 방법이다. 기쁘게 하는 일을 더 자주 해야 하며, 하는 동안 더 많이 음미해야 한다.
행복과 건강의 핵심 열쇠는 얼마나 강렬한 행복을 느끼느냐가 아니라 얼마나 '자주' 긍정적이고 행복한 감정을 느끼느냐이다. 실제로 별것 아닌 것처럼 보이는 행동이 규칙적으로 기분을 상승시킬 수 있으며, 시간이 지나면서 축적된다.
1.잠깐의 반갑고, 평온하고, 기쁜 순간은 결코 하찮은 것이 아니다. 2.중요한 것은 강도가 아니라 빈도다. 3.대부분의 사람들은 이런 사실을 모르는 것 같다.
남들은 고통을 겪는데 내가 행복해도 돼?
1.세상에 이토록 많은 불공평한 고통이 있다는 사실을 인지하고 당신 자신의 행운에 감사하라. 2.당신의 모든 친구와 세상 전체의 문제가 해결될 때까지 당신의 행복을 미루는 것은 아무에게도 도움이 되지 않는다는 사실을 명심하라. 3.우리가 스스로의 행복에 더 공을 들이고 성공하는 편이 우리 자신은 물론 다른 사람을 돕는 길이다.
의미와 목적을 찾을 수 있는 방법은 많다. 그 중 하나는 내 삶을 판단할 기준을 세우는 것이다. 그리고 오늘부터 그 기준에 따라서 내 인생이 성공이라고 판단될 수 있도록 살기로 결심하는 것이다.
이런 개인적 삶의 의미는 각자의 선호와 가치, 추구하기로 선택하는 활동에 따라 수많은 방식으로 얻어질 수 있다. 그 결과 의학적 예후나 다가오는 죽음 때문에 아무리 공포에 질리더라도 내가 더 큰 무언가의 일부라고 느끼게 되면, 우리는 남은 생을 어떻게 살아갈지 방향을 잡을 수 있고, 보다 안정감 있고 중심 잡힌 느낌을 가질 수 있다.
동원 후 최소화 이론에 따르면 고통스러운 생각과 감정이라는 즉각적 반응은 그리 오래 가지 않는다.
그러니 절망에 빠져 있는 대신 여기 언급된 추천 사항들 중에서 한두 가지를 주간 목표로 정해보자. 당신에게 맞는다고 느껴지는 것을 고르면 된다. 사회적 지지망을 형성하고 강화하기로 해도 되고(오래된 친구에게 전화를 걸어 이야기를 들어준다거나 하면서), 명상하는 법을 배우거나 마음상태에 더 신경 씀으로써 집중력을 키워도 좋다. 혹은 매일 시간을 정해놓고 야외활동(아주 추운 날에는 그냥 창밖의 구룸을 감상하는 일이라도)을 해도 되고, 어떤 상황이 내 기분을 유쾌하게 해주는지 알아보고 규칙적으로 그 일을 반복하는 것도 좋다. 그리고 마지막으로 중요한 것은 인생의 의미를 얻고 내가 남길 유산을 확보할 수 있는 방향으로 매주 한 걸음이라도 더 나아가는 것이다.
우리는 반드시 과거에 마주쳤던 난관과 나의 후회를 인정해야 한다. 하지만 그 다음으로 중요한 단계가 하나 기다리고 있다. 이 자리에 머물지 않고 새로운 목표를 추구하기로 약속하는 것이다.
우리는 잃어버린 기회나, 버려진 목표, 깊은 후회에 관해 생각할 때 체계적이고 단계적이고 분석적인 방법을 따라야 한다. 가능하다면 글로 쓰는 것을 반성의 도구로 사용하는 것이 좋다. 예컨대 일기 형식으로 우리의 경험에 관한 사실이나 그에 대한 생각과 감정을 쓸 수 있다. 또는 실제 일어난 일과 가능했던 일에 관해 좋은 점과 나쁜 점을 목록으로 작성할 수도 있다. 무엇보다 우리는 생각을 곱씹는 악순환 속에 빨려 들어가지 않도록 노력해야 한다. 이런 징후를 느낀다면 중립적이거나 즐거운 생각에 집중하도록 노력하고, 전념할 수 있는 활동에 빠지는 것이 좋다. 다른 전략에는 지나친 생각을 뒤로 미루거나(그래 놓고 다시는 생각하지 않는다), 분별 있는 친구에게 이야기를 하거나, 기도 또는 명상을 하는 방법이 있다.
어떻게 해서 오늘의 내가 되었고 나의 미래는 어떻게 펼쳐질 것인지 인생의 내러티브를 써보면 많은 도움을 얻을 수 있다. 인생을 빠르게 지나는 단절된 순간들의 단순한 집합이라고 보지 않고, 각 순간들을 중요한 여정에 꼭 필요한 조각들이라고 생각한다면, 인생은 더 큰 목적을 지니게 되고 우리가 느끼는 행복도 더 커질 것이다.
우리의 행복한 순간은(해부가 아니라) 음미하고, 불행한 순간은 (재생이 아니라) 이해하려고 애써야 한다.
아름답게 보이는 과거에 연연하지 않고 미래에 초점을 맞추는 확실한 방법 중 하나는 중요한 인생의 목표를 향해 노력하는 것이다. '행동 없는 행복은 없다'. 목표의 추구 없는 행복도 없다. 그러나 앞서 언급했듯이 목표를 현명하게 선택하는 것도 중요하다. 또한 더 큰 행복을 가져올 수 있는 방향으로 목표의 방향을 바꿀 수도 있어야 한다. 다시 떠올려보면 우리가 선택하는 목표는 외적 동기가 아니라 내적인 것이어야 한다(부모나 문화가 정해준 것이 아닌, 나에게 의미 있고 기쁜 일). 그리고 목표들끼리는 서로 조화를 이루어야 한다(상충하면 안 된다). 타고난 인간적 욕구를 충족시켜야 한다(단순히 부자가 되거나 권력을 갖거나 아름다워지거나 유명해지는 것이 아닌, 뭔가에 전문가가 되고 싶은 욕구처럼). 목표는 나의 진정한 가치와 어울려야 한다. 목표는 달성 가능하고 유연해야 한다. 그리고 무언가로부터 도망가거나 회피하는 것이 아니라 뭔가를 이루는 데 집중하는 목표여야 한다.
위기가 불러오는 커다란 공포 혹은 실망에 대한 가장 건강한 반응에는 공통점들이 있다. 바로 노력을 요하는 행복 증진 전력이 필요하다는 것이다. 여러분은 신체나 돈, 시간에 투자하는 것만큼 행복 증진 전략을 통해 감정적 삶에도 투자해야 한다.
불쾌하거나 괴로운 어떤 것에만 관심이 편협하게 집중되고 있다면 더 큰 그림을 보는 것이 도움이 될 수 있다. 특정 이미지나 생각에 압도당하고 집착하고 있다면 관심사를 다른 데로 돌리려고 애써야 한다. 마지막으로 부정적 상황의 긍정적 면을 보는 것도 도움은 되겠지만 그럴 때는 창의성이 필요하다. 삶에 다양성과 참신함을 주입하라. 내적이고 진정성 있고 유연한 목표를 추구하고 그 목표를 내 것으로 만들어라.
행복의 신화들을 모두 날려버리고 나면 행복을 위한 마법의 공식도, 비참해지도록 정해져 있는 길도 없다는 점을 알게 된다. 인생에서 우리가 생각하는 것만큼의 기쁨을 주거나 비참함을 주는 것은 아무것도 없다. 이 진실을 알고 나면 우리는 자유로워지고 힘을 갖게 되고 넓은 시야를 갖게 될 것이다. 그리고 좋은 선택을 하고 제대로 실천할 최고의 기회를 얻게 될 것이다.
긍적적 감정 대 부정적 감정의 비율이 최소 3대 1은 되어야 한다는 얘기다.
고통스러운 경험을 건강하게 생각하는 법을 제시한 새로운 연구가 있다. 요점은 우리가 자신의 부정적 감정과 문제를 ‘자신과 거리를 두고self-distanced’ 분석해야 한다는 것이다. 다시 말해 우리는 다른 사람의 눈으로 스스로를 관찰하고 생각하려고 노력해야 한다는 말이다. 게다가 과거의 경험을 ‘나의 시각’으로만 생각하고 다시 떠올리는 일(창피했던 순간과 싸움을 머릿속으로 자꾸 되새기는 것)은 피해야 한다. ‘자기 관점’에만 사로잡히면 대개 부정적인 것만 되새김질 하는 독이 된다. 나쁜 경험을 관찰자의 시선에서 보게 되면 그 일을 새로운 각도에서 볼 수 있고, 통찰력이 생기며, 마음을 정리할 수 있다.
걱정거리를 봉인 가능한 용기에 담는 행위는 일종의 안도감을 주고, 내가 내 감정을 제어할 수 있다고 느끼게 해준다.
어려운 일이나 고민에 대해 가슴 깊은 곳에 있는 감정을 글로 쓰는 것이 신체적, 정신적 건강을 개선해줄 수 있다는 것을 발견했다. 빈 노트나 일기장을 한 권 사서 글쓰기를 시작한다. 최소한 3일에서 5일은 연달아 써야 하며 오래 쓸수록 좋다. 가장 힘들거나 화났던 경험에 관해 마음 깊이 자리한 생각과 감정을 쓰면 된다. 이 전략의 성공 비밀은 이런 감정에 관해 쓰는 행위, 단어 그 자체에 있는 것 같다. 걱정거리와 문제에 관해 글을 쓰기 되면 스스로 그 일을 이해하고 감수하는데 도움이 된다. 내 안의 감정적 풍파를 단어로 표현하면 그 감정을 납득할 수 있고 그 감정에 적응하고 넘어갈 수 있다. 이것은 궁극적으로 이런 감정의 소용돌이를 가까운 다른 이들에게 털어놓을 수 있게 준비시켜준다. 그러니 언어가 중요한 요소인 것이다. 격한 감정과 이미지를 일관성 있는 이야기로 변환하는 행위는 괴로움과 고통을 구조화하는 방법, 그에 관해 생각하는 방법, 우리의 인생담으로 통합하는 방법을 바꾼다. 더욱이 그 일기를 수년 후, 혹은 수십 년 후에 다시 읽게 되면 분명히 새로운 평가와 즐거움, 통찰을 얻는 기쁨까지 누릴 수 있을 것이다.
그 어떤 개인도, 아무리 운명적 사랑이라고 해도, 모든 상황에서 언제나 나의 전부가 될 수는 없다. 우리는 개인적 위기 상황에 대한 정서적 지지가 필요하기도 하고, 때로는 지적인 자극이 필요하며, 최근의 정치상황에 대한 통찰이 필요할 때도 있다. 기술적, 경제적인 조언이 필요할 때도 있고, 열과 성을 다해 내 등을 두드려줄 사람이 필요할 때도 있으며, 타성에서 벗어나려고 호통쳐줄 사람이 필요할 때도 있다. 많은 시간을 배우자에게 의지해온 사람들은 이 모든 욕구를 충족시키기에는 더 불리하다. 요컨대 많은 연구들이 강하고 따뜻하고 충만한 대인 관계가 우리를 행복하게 만든다는 점을 보여준다. 그러나 그 핵심적 관계가 반드시 성적이거나 이성 간의 관계여야 하는 것은 아니다.
로맨스 파트너가 없으면 결코 행복해질 수 없으리라는 생각이 강하게 들때 우리가 취할 수 있는 방법은 여러 가지다. 하나는 밖으로 나가 최대한 많은 사람을 만나고 데이트하는 것이다.
또 다른 방법은 로맨스 파트너가 없이도 정말로 행복할 수 있다는 생각을 받아들이고 스스로를 결혼하겠다는 목표에서 해방시키는 것이다. 그리고 독신자로서 삶을 충만하고 풍성하게 만드는 것이다. 물론 미래의 관계에 관해, 그것이 인생의 제 1의 목표는 아니더라도, 문을 열어두는 것은 자유이다.
마지막 방법은 자신이 도달할 수 있는 최고의 행복과 낙관주의와 전인격을 갖춘 성공한 사람이 되기 위해 온힘을 다해 노력하는 것이다. 그리고 이렇게 새로운 사람이 되면 최고의 짝을 끌어당기게 될 것임을 믿는 것이다. 이 대안부터 이야기를 시작해보자. 요체는 긍정적이고 행복하고 낙관적인 사람이 되면 현재의 독신 생활을 최대한 즐길 수 있을 뿐만 아니라, 커플이 될 가능성도 더 높아질 것이라는 점이다. 낙관주의는 ‘모든 게 어쨌든 지나치게 나쁜 쪽으로는 흘러가지 않을 것이라고 어느 정도 믿는 태도’정도로 좁게 정의한다.
우리가 외롭고 혼자라고 느끼는 날에, 최상의 자아를 만들어내기 위해서는 이런 종류의 ‘소박한 낙관주의’로 시작하는 것이 도움이 될 것이다. 하루를 견뎌낼 수 있을 것이라는 기대, 원하는 것을 모두 성취하지는 못하더라도 그 일부는 성취할 수 있으리라는 기대, 원하는 것을 항상 얻을 수는 없겠으나 절실하게 필요한 것은 얻을 수 있을 것이라는 기대, 삶을 신뢰해도 된다는 생각, 패배하지는 않을 것이라는 생각, 모든 게 잘 되지 않을 때에도 더 나아질 거라는 생각 등.
긍정적 사고를 강화하는 것으로 입증된 수많은 검증된 활동들이 있다. 가장 효과가 좋은 전략은 매일 10분에서 20분 정도 시간을 내서 규칙적으로 미래의 희망과 꿈을 일기로 쓰는 것이다. 꿈이 실현된 장면을 이미지로 그려보고, 어떻게 달성했는지, 그리고 성취 후에는 어떤 느낌임지를 묘사한다. 이 연습은 짧게 2분만 해도 우리를 더 행복하고 건강하게 만들어준다. 낙관적 사고는 장애와 역경에 굴하지 않고 전진하는 데 도움을 준다.
그러나 긍적적 생각이 눈앞의 냉혹한 현실을 견뎌내지 못해서, 부정적 추론과 결론에 흔들릴 때가 틀림없이 올 것이다. 그런 상황에서 빛을 발하는 방법이 있다. 주변 환경을 긍정적으로 재해석함으로써 부정적 사고와 싸우는 데 도움이 되는 방법으로서, 다음 사항을 글로 쓰는 것이다.
-현재의 문제점 혹은 장애물
-그것에 대한 최초의 해석
-긍정적 재해석
본질적으로 낙관주의를 실천한다는 것은 우리의 꿈과 목표를 현실적으로 판단할 수 있는 유연성과 넓은 시야를 가진다는 것이다.
친밀한 소울 메이트와 남은 생을 함께 보낸다는 목표를 내려놓았다면 어떻게 해나가야 할까? 과학자들은 더 나은 새로운 목표를 위해 비현실적인 목표를 접을 수 있는 과단성과 유연성 못지않게, 이루지 못한 꿈에 대해서 평정심을 유지하는 것이 매우 중요하다는 점을 밝혀냈다.
확실하게 앞으로 나아가기 위해서는 세 가지 단계가 필요하다. 첫째 짝을 찾으려는 노력을 줄인다. 둘째 짝을 찾는다는 목표가 이제까지 생각하던 것처럼 의미 있거나 중요하거나 행복에 결정적인 요소가 아니라는 점을 받아들인다. 셋째 대안적인 활동을 찾아서 실천한다. 그리고 나 자신과 나의 정체성에 대해 달리 생각하는 법을 학습한다.
사회적 비교는 신경 쓰지 않아도 자연스럽고 무의식적으로 일어나는 일이다. 모든 비교에 대해 눈을 감아 버리거나 다른 사람에게 전혀 신경 쓰지 않을 수는 없다. 내 자신의 성취에 만족하는 비결은 타인의 강점이나 성취를 무시하는 데 있는 게 아니라 그런 관찰의 부정적 결론으로 괴로워하지 않는 데 있음이 드러났다. 달리 말래 사회적 비교가 나를 괴롭히지 않도록 하면 되는 것이다.
'내가 얼마나 잘 하는가(성공적인가, 똑똑한가, 유쾌한가, 잘 나가는가, 윤리적인가)?'라는 질문에 대해 자기 내부에 있는 객관적 기준에 의거해 답하는 사람들이 가장 행복한 사람들이다.
사회적 비교라는 습관은 어릴 때부터 시작된다. 그러나 더 잘하는 사람은 언제나 있기 때문에 이런 비교는 우리의 기분을 좋게 해주기보다는 나쁘게 만드는 경우가 더 많다. 우리는 내 가치를 판단할 때 다른 사람들은 덜 참조하고 내 개인적인 기준에 더 의존할 것을 목표로 삼아야 한다. 스스로 비교를 하고 있는 것을 느끼게 되면 '그만'이라고 소리치거나 다른 즐거운 일들로 즉시 주의를 돌려야 한다.
그리고 무시하기가 불가능하다면 '타인의 불행에서 기쁨을 얻기'보다는 '타인의 성취에서 기쁨을 얻어'보려고 애써야 한다.
우리가 그 분투의 과정을 즐긴다면 목표를 추구하거나 목표를 위해 노력 중이라는 사실만으로도 기쁨과 만족을 얻을 수 있다. 목표를 추구하면 해야 할 일과 데드라인, 계획표 등이 생기므로 일상이 짜임새 있어지고 의미 있어진다. 그 과정에서 한 단계를 완수하게 되면 그 성취한 단계나 하위 목표(이것들 때문에 기분이 좋아지고 자신감이 올라갈 것이다)를 음미하면서 더 힘을 내서, 이미 성취한 목표엣 새로운 목표로 옮겨갈 수 있게 된다. 우리는 처음부터 최종 결승선에 너무 집중할 것이 아니라 진전을 이루는 여러 단계를 하나씩 수행하는데 초점을 맞추어야 한다. 그리고 그 과정을 최대한 즐겨야 한다.
누구나 새로운 직장 혹은 사업이 주는 참신함, 흥분, 도전에 길들여지게 되어 있다는 점을 이해하는 것이다. 현재의 직장이나 우리의 동료, 혹은 직업의식에은 아무런 잘못이 없는데 그저 우리가 자연적으로 발생하는 극히 인간적인 과정을 경험하고 있을지 모른다.
일을 점차 지루하게 느끼게 되는 이 과정을 늦추거나 되돌리기 위해 미리 내가 뭘 할 수 있을지 아는 것이다. 그리고 최대한 빨리 적절한 전략을 실천하는 것이다. 이런 노력을 아무리 기울여도 효과가 없고, 일이 정말로 수준 이하이거나 나의 선호와 능력에 맞지 않는다면, 그때는 더 자신 있게 준비된 상태에서 옮겨 타기를 결심할 수 있을 것이다.
우리가 성공(혹은 인정, 권한, 보상)을 원하는 이유가 행복이 거기에 달려 있다고 생각하기 때문이라면, 그런 생각이 현재의 행복을 제한할 뿐만 아니라 미래의 행복을 위협한다는 점이다. 무언가를 이루는 것은 불행에 대한 처방이 아니다. 독이 되는 비교를 그만두고 내적 기준에 집중하자. 결과보다는 꿈을 추구하는 여정에 초점을 맞추자.
행복은 단순히 기분이 좋은 것과만 관련된 것이 아니다. 행복은 기분이 나쁜 것과도 관련된다. 부정적 경험을 줄이면 긍정적 경험을 창조하는 것 보다 3배에서 5배나 큰 영향을 준다. 따라서 적은 것으로도 행복해지기 위한 현명한 행동의 첫 단계는, 빚을 줄이거나 없애는 것이다. 꼭 필요하지 않은 제품이나 서비스에 우리 돈을 소모해서는 안된다.
심리학 연구에 따르면 돈을 최대한 즐기기 위해서는 여섯 가지 원칙에 따라 살아야 한다. 물건보다 경험에 돈을 지출하고, 그 경험들 사이에 간격을 둘 것.
욕구를 충족시키는 활동에 써라. 최대한의 정서적 이익을 만들어내는 구매 혹은 지출은 인간의 기본적 욕구 세 가지 중에서 최소한 하나를 충족시킬 때이다. 1)역량(유능하다, 전문가라는 느낌), 2)관계성(소속감, 타인들과 교류한다는 느낌), 3)자율성(자신의 삶을 지배하고 통제한다는 느낌). 이런 활동은 행복을 가져다 줄뿐만 아니라, 갈수록 더 많은 것을 바라게 되는 중독 현상을 일으키지 않기 때문에 더욱 중요한 의미를 가진다.
자신이 아니라 다른 사람들을 위해 써라. 돈이 있다는 것은 지역사회에 실질적으로 기여하고 나아가 세계를 바꿀 수 있는 능력을 가지고 있다는 뜻이다.
시간을 벌기 위해 써라.
돈을 지금 지불하되 기다리는 기쁨을 누려라.
항상 이루고 싶었던 것들 중 많은 것을 (명목상으로라도) 이루고 나면, 삶은 재미없고 공허해진다. 더 이상 기대할 것이 없기 때문이다.
행복을 살 수 있는 핵심 열쇠는 우리가 얼마나 성공적인가가 아니라 성공을 가지고 뭘 하느냐에 달려 있으며, 소득이 얼마나 큰가가 아니라 소득을 어떻게 분배하느냐에 달려 있다.
내가 관심 갖기로 한 것이 내 경험이 된다.
자연이 주는 평화
명상이 주는 평화
한마디로 집중의 힘
사람들을 조사해보면 대부분의 사람들이 어떤 경험이 자신을 행복하게 해주고 어떤 경험은 그렇지 않은지 모른다는 사실에 깜짝 놀라게 한다. 그래서 나는 사람들에게 '매일의 경험' 일기를 쓰라고 가르치기 시작했다. 하루 중 특정한 시간에(예컨대 일주일 동안 매일 아침 9시와 오후 2시, 오후 7시) 자신의 감정을 기록하고 이 감정을 일으킨 사건과 상황, 사람, 활동을 적는 것이다. 이것은 일상적 경험 중 어떤 것이 당신에게 긍정적 감정을 일으키는지 쉽고 효과적으로 알 수 있는 방법이다. 기쁘게 하는 일을 더 자주 해야 하며, 하는 동안 더 많이 음미해야 한다.
행복과 건강의 핵심 열쇠는 얼마나 강렬한 행복을 느끼느냐가 아니라 얼마나 '자주' 긍정적이고 행복한 감정을 느끼느냐이다. 실제로 별것 아닌 것처럼 보이는 행동이 규칙적으로 기분을 상승시킬 수 있으며, 시간이 지나면서 축적된다.
1.잠깐의 반갑고, 평온하고, 기쁜 순간은 결코 하찮은 것이 아니다. 2.중요한 것은 강도가 아니라 빈도다. 3.대부분의 사람들은 이런 사실을 모르는 것 같다.
남들은 고통을 겪는데 내가 행복해도 돼?
1.세상에 이토록 많은 불공평한 고통이 있다는 사실을 인지하고 당신 자신의 행운에 감사하라. 2.당신의 모든 친구와 세상 전체의 문제가 해결될 때까지 당신의 행복을 미루는 것은 아무에게도 도움이 되지 않는다는 사실을 명심하라. 3.우리가 스스로의 행복에 더 공을 들이고 성공하는 편이 우리 자신은 물론 다른 사람을 돕는 길이다.
의미와 목적을 찾을 수 있는 방법은 많다. 그 중 하나는 내 삶을 판단할 기준을 세우는 것이다. 그리고 오늘부터 그 기준에 따라서 내 인생이 성공이라고 판단될 수 있도록 살기로 결심하는 것이다.
이런 개인적 삶의 의미는 각자의 선호와 가치, 추구하기로 선택하는 활동에 따라 수많은 방식으로 얻어질 수 있다. 그 결과 의학적 예후나 다가오는 죽음 때문에 아무리 공포에 질리더라도 내가 더 큰 무언가의 일부라고 느끼게 되면, 우리는 남은 생을 어떻게 살아갈지 방향을 잡을 수 있고, 보다 안정감 있고 중심 잡힌 느낌을 가질 수 있다.
동원 후 최소화 이론에 따르면 고통스러운 생각과 감정이라는 즉각적 반응은 그리 오래 가지 않는다.
그러니 절망에 빠져 있는 대신 여기 언급된 추천 사항들 중에서 한두 가지를 주간 목표로 정해보자. 당신에게 맞는다고 느껴지는 것을 고르면 된다. 사회적 지지망을 형성하고 강화하기로 해도 되고(오래된 친구에게 전화를 걸어 이야기를 들어준다거나 하면서), 명상하는 법을 배우거나 마음상태에 더 신경 씀으로써 집중력을 키워도 좋다. 혹은 매일 시간을 정해놓고 야외활동(아주 추운 날에는 그냥 창밖의 구룸을 감상하는 일이라도)을 해도 되고, 어떤 상황이 내 기분을 유쾌하게 해주는지 알아보고 규칙적으로 그 일을 반복하는 것도 좋다. 그리고 마지막으로 중요한 것은 인생의 의미를 얻고 내가 남길 유산을 확보할 수 있는 방향으로 매주 한 걸음이라도 더 나아가는 것이다.
우리는 반드시 과거에 마주쳤던 난관과 나의 후회를 인정해야 한다. 하지만 그 다음으로 중요한 단계가 하나 기다리고 있다. 이 자리에 머물지 않고 새로운 목표를 추구하기로 약속하는 것이다.
우리는 잃어버린 기회나, 버려진 목표, 깊은 후회에 관해 생각할 때 체계적이고 단계적이고 분석적인 방법을 따라야 한다. 가능하다면 글로 쓰는 것을 반성의 도구로 사용하는 것이 좋다. 예컨대 일기 형식으로 우리의 경험에 관한 사실이나 그에 대한 생각과 감정을 쓸 수 있다. 또는 실제 일어난 일과 가능했던 일에 관해 좋은 점과 나쁜 점을 목록으로 작성할 수도 있다. 무엇보다 우리는 생각을 곱씹는 악순환 속에 빨려 들어가지 않도록 노력해야 한다. 이런 징후를 느낀다면 중립적이거나 즐거운 생각에 집중하도록 노력하고, 전념할 수 있는 활동에 빠지는 것이 좋다. 다른 전략에는 지나친 생각을 뒤로 미루거나(그래 놓고 다시는 생각하지 않는다), 분별 있는 친구에게 이야기를 하거나, 기도 또는 명상을 하는 방법이 있다.
어떻게 해서 오늘의 내가 되었고 나의 미래는 어떻게 펼쳐질 것인지 인생의 내러티브를 써보면 많은 도움을 얻을 수 있다. 인생을 빠르게 지나는 단절된 순간들의 단순한 집합이라고 보지 않고, 각 순간들을 중요한 여정에 꼭 필요한 조각들이라고 생각한다면, 인생은 더 큰 목적을 지니게 되고 우리가 느끼는 행복도 더 커질 것이다.
우리의 행복한 순간은(해부가 아니라) 음미하고, 불행한 순간은 (재생이 아니라) 이해하려고 애써야 한다.
아름답게 보이는 과거에 연연하지 않고 미래에 초점을 맞추는 확실한 방법 중 하나는 중요한 인생의 목표를 향해 노력하는 것이다. '행동 없는 행복은 없다'. 목표의 추구 없는 행복도 없다. 그러나 앞서 언급했듯이 목표를 현명하게 선택하는 것도 중요하다. 또한 더 큰 행복을 가져올 수 있는 방향으로 목표의 방향을 바꿀 수도 있어야 한다. 다시 떠올려보면 우리가 선택하는 목표는 외적 동기가 아니라 내적인 것이어야 한다(부모나 문화가 정해준 것이 아닌, 나에게 의미 있고 기쁜 일). 그리고 목표들끼리는 서로 조화를 이루어야 한다(상충하면 안 된다). 타고난 인간적 욕구를 충족시켜야 한다(단순히 부자가 되거나 권력을 갖거나 아름다워지거나 유명해지는 것이 아닌, 뭔가에 전문가가 되고 싶은 욕구처럼). 목표는 나의 진정한 가치와 어울려야 한다. 목표는 달성 가능하고 유연해야 한다. 그리고 무언가로부터 도망가거나 회피하는 것이 아니라 뭔가를 이루는 데 집중하는 목표여야 한다.
위기가 불러오는 커다란 공포 혹은 실망에 대한 가장 건강한 반응에는 공통점들이 있다. 바로 노력을 요하는 행복 증진 전력이 필요하다는 것이다. 여러분은 신체나 돈, 시간에 투자하는 것만큼 행복 증진 전략을 통해 감정적 삶에도 투자해야 한다.
불쾌하거나 괴로운 어떤 것에만 관심이 편협하게 집중되고 있다면 더 큰 그림을 보는 것이 도움이 될 수 있다. 특정 이미지나 생각에 압도당하고 집착하고 있다면 관심사를 다른 데로 돌리려고 애써야 한다. 마지막으로 부정적 상황의 긍정적 면을 보는 것도 도움은 되겠지만 그럴 때는 창의성이 필요하다. 삶에 다양성과 참신함을 주입하라. 내적이고 진정성 있고 유연한 목표를 추구하고 그 목표를 내 것으로 만들어라.
행복의 신화들을 모두 날려버리고 나면 행복을 위한 마법의 공식도, 비참해지도록 정해져 있는 길도 없다는 점을 알게 된다. 인생에서 우리가 생각하는 것만큼의 기쁨을 주거나 비참함을 주는 것은 아무것도 없다. 이 진실을 알고 나면 우리는 자유로워지고 힘을 갖게 되고 넓은 시야를 갖게 될 것이다. 그리고 좋은 선택을 하고 제대로 실천할 최고의 기회를 얻게 될 것이다.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 28, 2013
In a nutshell: hedonic adaptation is about how we adapt to all the good things in our life, how they make us happy at the beginning and how they inevitably cease to make us happy. How we still continue to take them for granted. The myths like "I'll be happy when_____ (fill in the blank)", or even "I can't be happy when_______ (fill in the blank)"
Čítať knihy o psychológii, nech sa aj akokoľvek snažia operovať vedeckým výskumom, je ako prísť nakupovať do second-handu. Neprehľadná spleť oblečenia nevábne visiaceho na drôtených vešiakoch, vonia to tam podozrivo, vyzerá podozrivo, tovar rozložený viac menej náhodne, veľkosti od hoc a vlastne sa to tam vôbec neleskne, ako sa v obchodoch (vo vede) patrí. Naraz zbadáte škaredú rozťahanú sukňu, nepotrebnú, niečo ako ... v časti "Is forgiveness always a good thing?"
"Our likelihood of survival and reproduction sometimes depends on being forgiving and sometimes depends on being vengeful, and it's critical to differentiate situations that warrant one response over the other"
Duh?
Ale ak nie ste lovec a nevybrali ste sa na mamuta, ale skôr zberač, prescanujete lístočky a konáriky a trávu a obzriete sa znovu... a vlastne vám robí radosť pobyt v lese, prídete domov s vedrom plným všeličoho jedlého.
Sonja Lyubomirsky približuje niektoré (z môjho úplne subjektívneho uhla) ne-banálne a ne-irelevantné a ne-intuitívne výskumy, napr. fenoménu language style matching, alebo lingivstickej synchrónie medzi partnermi - a to nie na úrovni štylistickej - napr. používanie kvetnatej alebo jednoduchej reči, používanie klišé alebo emocionálnych slov. Novší výskum sa naopak zameriava na nevedomejšie používanie function words, ako napr. členov (a, the), zámen (I, you, we, he). Aj keď to vyzerá ezotericky, práve tieto slová dokážu reflektovať, do akej miery sa partneri v konverzácii snažia zachytiť toho druhého, rovnako ako mieru, v akej dokážu komunikovať úspešne.
Najväčší ťahák knihy ale je pojem hedonickej adaptácie, ktorú autorka skúma už dlhší čas. Hedonická adaptácia - v skratke o tom, ako ľahko si privykáme na dobré, aby nás to postupne prestalo uspokojovať, no napriek tomu to vyžadujeme, ba berieme za automaticky nárokovateľné.
Chvalabohu aj žiaľbohu, kniha neponúka návody. Ale o tom je základný výskum, však, nech mi skutoční vedeckí vedci prepáčia. Z tohoto second-handu som vyšla s plnou igelitkou zaujímavých handier, treba to vyprať, a potom hádam niečo z toho budem nosiť.
Čítať knihy o psychológii, nech sa aj akokoľvek snažia operovať vedeckým výskumom, je ako prísť nakupovať do second-handu. Neprehľadná spleť oblečenia nevábne visiaceho na drôtených vešiakoch, vonia to tam podozrivo, vyzerá podozrivo, tovar rozložený viac menej náhodne, veľkosti od hoc a vlastne sa to tam vôbec neleskne, ako sa v obchodoch (vo vede) patrí. Naraz zbadáte škaredú rozťahanú sukňu, nepotrebnú, niečo ako ... v časti "Is forgiveness always a good thing?"
"Our likelihood of survival and reproduction sometimes depends on being forgiving and sometimes depends on being vengeful, and it's critical to differentiate situations that warrant one response over the other"
Duh?
Ale ak nie ste lovec a nevybrali ste sa na mamuta, ale skôr zberač, prescanujete lístočky a konáriky a trávu a obzriete sa znovu... a vlastne vám robí radosť pobyt v lese, prídete domov s vedrom plným všeličoho jedlého.
Sonja Lyubomirsky približuje niektoré (z môjho úplne subjektívneho uhla) ne-banálne a ne-irelevantné a ne-intuitívne výskumy, napr. fenoménu language style matching, alebo lingivstickej synchrónie medzi partnermi - a to nie na úrovni štylistickej - napr. používanie kvetnatej alebo jednoduchej reči, používanie klišé alebo emocionálnych slov. Novší výskum sa naopak zameriava na nevedomejšie používanie function words, ako napr. členov (a, the), zámen (I, you, we, he). Aj keď to vyzerá ezotericky, práve tieto slová dokážu reflektovať, do akej miery sa partneri v konverzácii snažia zachytiť toho druhého, rovnako ako mieru, v akej dokážu komunikovať úspešne.
Najväčší ťahák knihy ale je pojem hedonickej adaptácie, ktorú autorka skúma už dlhší čas. Hedonická adaptácia - v skratke o tom, ako ľahko si privykáme na dobré, aby nás to postupne prestalo uspokojovať, no napriek tomu to vyžadujeme, ba berieme za automaticky nárokovateľné.
Chvalabohu aj žiaľbohu, kniha neponúka návody. Ale o tom je základný výskum, však, nech mi skutoční vedeckí vedci prepáčia. Z tohoto second-handu som vyšla s plnou igelitkou zaujímavých handier, treba to vyprať, a potom hádam niečo z toho budem nosiť.
March 30, 2013
This book was my book club's April pick. The title intrigued me, particularly after reading pieces by Tim Kreider: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/...
However, I don't think that I'm the right audience for this book, first and foremost because philosophically, I don't look at life as a search for happiness, but rather a journey for meaning and contentedness with "now." That, in itself, is a lifetime's worth of work.
Nevertheless, I could see that readers with outlooks or circumstances different from mine could benefit from chapters like"I Can't Be Happy When...My Relationship Has Fallen Apart."
The chapter that would apply to me was missing from the book, (I'll be happy when...I let go of worrying about my body image), but 12,000 other self-help books cover that topic abundantly.
After skimming through a few relatable quotes such as "Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while ou are thinking about it," and suggestions that giving to others is a sure way to "happiness," I found the book to be more self-help than a scientific exploration of why we seek happiness--which is what I had hoped the book was about.
I laughed out loud and read to my husband the last chapter title and first sentence, because it was just so dark that I didn't know how else to react: Chapter title: "I can't be happy when...the best years of my life are over." First sentence: "For some of us, the first instant of waking is our bleakest and most pessimistic moment." Holy shit, that's depressing.
I empathize with anyone suffering under the crippling gloom of depression. I've spent a lot of my life under it. However, if I were depressed, I don't think I'd choose this particular flavor of self-help book.
However, I don't think that I'm the right audience for this book, first and foremost because philosophically, I don't look at life as a search for happiness, but rather a journey for meaning and contentedness with "now." That, in itself, is a lifetime's worth of work.
Nevertheless, I could see that readers with outlooks or circumstances different from mine could benefit from chapters like"I Can't Be Happy When...My Relationship Has Fallen Apart."
The chapter that would apply to me was missing from the book, (I'll be happy when...I let go of worrying about my body image), but 12,000 other self-help books cover that topic abundantly.
After skimming through a few relatable quotes such as "Nothing in life is as important as you think it is while ou are thinking about it," and suggestions that giving to others is a sure way to "happiness," I found the book to be more self-help than a scientific exploration of why we seek happiness--which is what I had hoped the book was about.
I laughed out loud and read to my husband the last chapter title and first sentence, because it was just so dark that I didn't know how else to react: Chapter title: "I can't be happy when...the best years of my life are over." First sentence: "For some of us, the first instant of waking is our bleakest and most pessimistic moment." Holy shit, that's depressing.
I empathize with anyone suffering under the crippling gloom of depression. I've spent a lot of my life under it. However, if I were depressed, I don't think I'd choose this particular flavor of self-help book.
January 21, 2013
I read children’s picture books and travel narratives and creative nonfiction and literary fiction and Books About Happiness.
Yes, Books About Happiness. It’s one of my favorite genres.
I’ve read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and Happiness: Lessons from a New Science by Richard Leyman and Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project and Happier at Home and the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness and Sonja Lyubomirsky’s earlier book, The How of Happiness.
How could I pass up Lyubomirsky’s new book, The Myths of Happiness?
Of course I couldn’t.
And I am happy to report that reading it was four hours happily spent.
Lyubomirsky’s underlying theme relies on the truth of two quotes: Pasteur reminds us, “Chance favors the prepared mind,” and Socrates notes, “He who is not contented with what he has, Would not be contented with what he would like to have.”
Chapter by chapter, Lyubomirsky examines all the myths of happiness we Americans hide in our hearts---all the I’ll Be Happy When’s and all the I Can’t Be Happy If’s---and explodes them, using a lovely combination of scientific research and case studies.
Turns out, we are much more resilient than we think we are. We keep walking through great traumas with scarcely more than a few months’ dip in happiness. We keep walking through great good fortune with scarcely more than a few months’ rise in happiness.
Interesting. Unexpected. Good to know.
Yes, Books About Happiness. It’s one of my favorite genres.
I’ve read Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and Happiness: Lessons from a New Science by Richard Leyman and Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project and Happier at Home and the Dalai Lama’s The Art of Happiness and Sonja Lyubomirsky’s earlier book, The How of Happiness.
How could I pass up Lyubomirsky’s new book, The Myths of Happiness?
Of course I couldn’t.
And I am happy to report that reading it was four hours happily spent.
Lyubomirsky’s underlying theme relies on the truth of two quotes: Pasteur reminds us, “Chance favors the prepared mind,” and Socrates notes, “He who is not contented with what he has, Would not be contented with what he would like to have.”
Chapter by chapter, Lyubomirsky examines all the myths of happiness we Americans hide in our hearts---all the I’ll Be Happy When’s and all the I Can’t Be Happy If’s---and explodes them, using a lovely combination of scientific research and case studies.
Turns out, we are much more resilient than we think we are. We keep walking through great traumas with scarcely more than a few months’ dip in happiness. We keep walking through great good fortune with scarcely more than a few months’ rise in happiness.
Interesting. Unexpected. Good to know.
April 13, 2013
Sonja Lyubomirsky compiles and summarizes some important research and information concerning our happiness – what really makes us happy as opposed to what we think will make us happy. There are all kinds of things that we believe (or are taught, or have absorbed through our culture) about happiness. For instance, that it can be found in the perfect relationship/marriage, through having children, by being rich. Similarly, we believe that being single, poor, unhealthy, and elderly all detract from our happiness. This isn’t necessarily the case according to the research. It’s how we experience and think about these things that can make all of the difference. Offering examples and some assistance in how one can personally make these mental adjustments, Lyubomirsky has done her part to inject a little more happiness into our lives.
A lot of this seemed familiar to me, as I have disabused myself of a lot of the more popular misconceptions of what is supposed to make us happy. I think it’s a good reminder/refresher, though, especially since our cultural expectations pretty much force some of these viewpoints upon us.
A lot of this seemed familiar to me, as I have disabused myself of a lot of the more popular misconceptions of what is supposed to make us happy. I think it’s a good reminder/refresher, though, especially since our cultural expectations pretty much force some of these viewpoints upon us.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 18, 2015
This book was such a waste of time. I expected an interesting evaluation of what happiness means to people, and got a preachy self-help book that read like a textbook. The bland writing made it easy to skim over what did not apply to me, which was the first hundred pages as well as the last hundred.
I'll admit, the middle section was interesting. It dealt primarily with money and job insecurities, which was the closest thing to anything relatable to me in the entire book. But even though debt and money is a major stressor for me, the info in the book did not really hit home for me because my happiness is really not contingent on fickle circumstances.
I never really pegged myself as a happy, content person. But this book showed me people are so miserable that they need a book to tell them how not to be miserable. This book is for you if you allow temporary circumstances to affect your happiness on deep level.
I'll admit, the middle section was interesting. It dealt primarily with money and job insecurities, which was the closest thing to anything relatable to me in the entire book. But even though debt and money is a major stressor for me, the info in the book did not really hit home for me because my happiness is really not contingent on fickle circumstances.
I never really pegged myself as a happy, content person. But this book showed me people are so miserable that they need a book to tell them how not to be miserable. This book is for you if you allow temporary circumstances to affect your happiness on deep level.
February 15, 2013
For me this book was a slow read but I like the concept of the book and I believe that society as a whole would do better, if we had more people teaching these truths. Perhaps if people knew it was normal to have these ebbs and flows of happiness in their relationships, there would be lower rates of divorce.
The key things I took away from the book was the importance of gratitude and remembering (how things use to be) plays into us having fulfilling lives. In the end, I was reminded of a saying I heard sometime ago—happiness is about happenings. And truth is that sometimes in life the happenings aren't so good but we can still choose to walk in joy.
I was provided a complimentary copy of the book through TLC Book Tours. No other compensation was provided. See the complete review at: The Watered Soul
The key things I took away from the book was the importance of gratitude and remembering (how things use to be) plays into us having fulfilling lives. In the end, I was reminded of a saying I heard sometime ago—happiness is about happenings. And truth is that sometimes in life the happenings aren't so good but we can still choose to walk in joy.
I was provided a complimentary copy of the book through TLC Book Tours. No other compensation was provided. See the complete review at: The Watered Soul
January 5, 2016
Although I was already aware of many of the ideas in this book, in terms of what really makes people happy and strategies for maximizing happiness and minimizing unhappiness, I imagine that this might be a really good book for someone who is not as aware. I did find it helpful myself, particularly the second to last chapter on coping with large life disappointments and failed pursuits. In addition to this one, there are chapters on almost all major aspects of human existence such as marriage/singlehood, children, careers, aging, relationships, and illness or tragedy.
The book may have been a bit wordy, taking too many words to describe something, but overall it wasn't bad. Maybe it just needed some more examples or anecdotes to liven the writing.
The book may have been a bit wordy, taking too many words to describe something, but overall it wasn't bad. Maybe it just needed some more examples or anecdotes to liven the writing.
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