The Everyday Parenting Toolkit: The Kazdin Method for Easy, Step-by-step, Lasting Change for You and Your Child

by Alan E. Kazdin, Carlo Rotella

Some of us are just naturals when it comes to parenting. But the rest of us wish that parenting came with operating instructions.

Now it does. The result of thirty years of scientific research, Alan Kazdin’s The Everyday Parenting Toolkit will guide you through every developmental stage—from toddler to teenager—and make you a more relaxed, confident, and competent parent. The rigorously tested strategies in this book will not only help change your child’s behavior, they will also decrease the stress in family relations, increase your joy in parenting, and help build a more nurturing home life that can directly improve children's mental and physical health and school success.

You won’t find abstract philosophy here. You’ll see every point, every strategy, illustrated with real-life examples. From toilet training to teaching a child to accept “no” without a tantrum all the way up to struggles over cellphones and curfew; from swiftly and gently correcting problem behaviors to fostering positive character qualities like respect for others, honesty, good friendships, or altruism, The Everyday Parenting Toolkit will surprise you time and again with counterintuitive advice that works.

For years parents have been coming to Dr. Kazdin’s Parenting Center at Yale University for help with the challenges, large and small, of child rearing. With the publication of this book, every reader can gain access to that advice and to parenting know-how that transforms families.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Childrens, Self Help, Family, Education

192 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D., is the John M. Musser Professor of Psychology and Child Psychiatry at Yale University and Director of the Yale Parenting Center. His work on parenting and childrearing has been featured on NPR, PBS, the BBC, and he has appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, ABC News, 20/20, and Dr. Phil. He frequently lectures to parents, educators, and business groups interested in learning the latest research and techniques of childrearing.

Reviews

[Valentina · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best parenting book I've ever read. And I've read a lot. Ok, I've started a lot. Generally, I just check parenting books out from the library when I'm feeling frustrated, so I can have a good wallow reading about all of the things I'm doing wrong. Once the fun of wallowing wears off, usually about halfway through the book, I turn my anger from myself onto the author, who is usually a smug a-hole. Rinse, lather, repeat over the course of six years and two kids. Twisted fun, but not overly instructive.

This book on the other hand, was full of actually helpful ideas. Instead of the usual "You're doing it all wrong!" tone, Dr. Kazdin presents his ideas clearly, and non- judgementally, with the backing of his extensive psychological research studies at the Yale Parenting Center. He presents techniques for behavior modification based not on ideas of "good parenting" but on what is effective. He lays out the fairly complex process involved in getting compliant behavior from children and gives the reader many techniques, and - here's the awesome part - they freaking work! Simple adjustments in phrasing and tone turn out to make a HUGE difference in the response you get.

Kazdin is well-known for the "extinction" method of behavior modification - which is basically, ignore behavior you don't want, lavish praise on the behavior you do. I've always thought this sounded ridiculous in practice - "Oh, sorry my child bit your child. No I'm not going to say anything to him about it, I'm extinctioning him!" Sure, that'll go over well. But reading the book helped me to understand it more clearly. Yes you must correct your child when they misbehave (especially in public!) but you do it calmly and quietly and save the large outpouring of emotion for the good stuff that you want to commend. Guess what, that's actually a lot more enjoyable as well!

No book is going to solve all of your problems overnight, but this one sends you back into the game feeling more confident and prepared, and that alone is a big deal for me.

[Nathan Schwartz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really interesting. In my mind there are two approaches to parenting advocated by parenting books. One is to treat kids like adults or peers (e.g. How to Talk So Kids will Listen) the other is to treat kids like kids (e.g. Have a New Kid by Friday). This is definitely of the latter, behavior modification, school. It was particularly interesting because, unlike pretty much all parenting books, it is actually science based.

[Lucas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely come back and read this when I need to change a child's behavior.

The Kazdin Method Blueprint:

Step 1. Start by specifying the goal behaviors. What do you want your child to do?
Define what you want in specific terms. What is the behavior you want to occur, and when? What would the behavior look like if it were exactly the way you wanted it to be? If you're interested in decreasing or eliminating some behavior, remember to specify and focus on the positive opposite.
It's valuable to write out exactly in a sentence or two what you want to see in your child. It's not as obvious as it sounds. A parent said to me, "I know when my kids eats vegetables at dinner: like never!" Yes, but in specifying the behavior, what's the goal? Eating at least three forkfuls of vegetables? Eating all the vegetables you serve him every night? Do some vegetables--say, fried potatoes--not count? Being specific makes a difference once we get to shaping and consequences. Fuzzy behavioral goals in the beginning can lead to very inconsistent reinforcement, so it pays to be specific up front. You can't specify everything that will come up, but try to paint a clear verbal picture of what the behavior you want looks like.

Step 2: Antecedents: How do you get the behavior going?
User verbal prompts--clear statements, usually preceded by "please," with a positive (rather than authoritarian) tone, that specify exactly what you would like. The effectiveness of prompts is not increased by mere repetition; in fact, repetition decreases your effectiveness by making your prompts aversive.
You can use physical prompts, too, like gestures and modeling. You can, for instance, help the child with early parts of the behavior: "Let's do this together," or "Let's take turns; I can go first," or "Let's take turns and toss this coin to see who gets to go first" (a good addition of a little game or competition here).
You can also use setting events, which help set the stage for a behavior in addition to your use of prompts to specifically guide or instruct it. What is going on right before the behavior you want and leading up to that? Is there something you can control to make the behavior more likely? Well before bedtime, for instance, start some winding-down routine that is calm, quiet, leading to getting into bed. More generally, plan transitions from one activity to the next so that you're not springing abrupt changes or demands on your child if you can avoid it. Ask yourself, "If I want my child to do X soon, is what he's doing now a good or seamless transition to that?" If not, schedule something that sets a little better tone or platform for going to the next behavior.
If you feel it's likely that your child will resist what you're asking her to do, set the stage with some high-probability requests. These are requests she's likely to follow, like doing something with you, helping you, having a snack with you, anything that will not be perceived as a chore. High-probability requests can increase compliance with low-probability requests.
Give choices when you can because choice is a setting event that increases the likelihood of getting the behavior you would like. Even when there's no real choice to make--for example, homework has to be done before school tomorrow--there can still be choices along the way. "Would you like me to start the homework with you, or do you want to start on your own?" "Do you want to do the homework tonight at the kitchen table, while I'm preparing dinner, or in your room as usual?"
Finally, a challenge is a great setting event. For young children, a playful "I'll bet you can't..." can be a very effective setting event that motivates behavior and increases the likelihood of getting the behavior you wish.

Step 3: Behaviors: What can you do to get the final behaviors you want?
Think of the final behavior you want. What would you like the behavior to look like, as specified in Step 1? Write it down at the bottom of a blank sheet of paper. Now describe exactly what your child usually does right now. Write that down at the top. Think of these two lines you've written as the first and last of a list of steps. The top of the list, the first line, is what your child is doing now--say, no homework, and she won't even sit at her desk. The last line, the bottom of the list, is the final behavior that you want--forty-five minutes of homework in which the child is sitting at her desk at her desk at home, without having to be told, doing schoolwork assigned by the teacher.
Now consider shaping as inserting into the list some intermediate steps between the top of the list (nada) and the bottom (the final behavior). We want to shape the child's behavior in such a way that we systematically move from what the child does now to the next step (say, sitting down with homework in front of her for a minute), and the next (doing a few minutes of homework), and so on to the final behavior. Shaping will develop the behavior systematically and consistently so that the program will not have to be in place forever.
Avoid the trap of saying to yourself, "My child already knows how to do this final behavior, even if she refuses to do it, so shaping isn't needed." Remember that knowing that something is true about a behavior--smoking is bad for you, donating to charity to help children is good, eating spinach and broccoli is really wise, being less sarcastic with my in-laws would be good--is only weakly related to one's actual behavior. The point of departure for shaping is beginning with what a person actually does now.
If the behavior you want never occurs or is very infrequent, set up simulations in which you can get the behaviors you want under fake or pretend conditions. Make up a game (for example, the Tantrum Game) and use antecedents (prompts, modeling, setting events like playfulness and choice), shaping (ask for just a little at first), and consequences (spectacular praise). How do you decide whether to use shaping by itself or to set up simulations? As a rough guide, if the behavior does not occur once or twice a day in any form so it cannot be shaped, go to simulations for a week.
Sometimes the child has done a particular behavior (a chore, for instance, or a school assignment) in the past but has stopped or slacked off for some reason, and you just want him to start doing it again. Here is a case where the child really has done the behavior (rather than just knowing how to do it), so shaping is not needed--no need to develop the final behavior. Also, simulations aren't needed because the behavior does occur, if you could only get your child started on it again. This is where jump-starting can come in handy. You help the child with early steps, to just get started. If the behavior is doing homework and he can do that, go with him to start the first task--then you can leave or fade yourself out as he gets going on the homework. When you jump-start, you ask yourself, "What can I do positively just to prime the pump and get the behavior going?" Helping with early steps can get the sequence of behavior going, and you can also use antecedents--a challenge, a choice--and then, of course, effusively praise starting without you.
Behavior is a key step because the goal of the program is to get the behavior to occur often, regularly, and consistently. Shaping, simulations, and jump-starting are valuable aids to getting the behavior to occur so that you can reinforce it--and reinforced practice is the key to success.

Step 4: Positive consequences: What positive consequences will you use to follow the behavior?
You want to provide a reinforcing consequence for the behavior you are developing. What are the consequences you can provide regularly when the behavior occurs? Praise is the default consequence to consider--your praise and attention are likely to be very powerful. Yet praise has to be delivered in a special way if it is to be used strategically to change behavior. You need to be enthusiastic, say what exactly you are praising, and then add something nonverbal like an affectionate touch or high-five.
Points and point charts can be used. Points are provided for behavior and are used to buy agreed-upon rewards. To provide a point chart you need a medium of exchange (such as marks, stars, tallies), rewards that can be purchased by the points, and a list of what behaviors earn how many points and how many points are required to buy each reward. Points can be useful to help structure and organize your effort to change behavior, but they can be a distraction, too. The magic is not in the points at all. Even when you are awarding points, the praise and attention that come with them remain important. Keep in mind that your objective is reinforced practice, getting the behavior to occur and providing reinforcing consequences, and points are merely one of several types of consequences.

Step 5: Punishment: Is there any punishment that can be a constructive part of the program?
Punishment is not needed to change behavior in most settings. Also, remember that punishment does not teach a child what to do and only temporarily suppresses the behavior you're trying to eliminate. At the same time, I recognize that as a parent you will want to punish some behaviors that you just don't allow in your home. So, if you have to use it, make sure punishment is mild and brief. A few minutes of time out is just as effective as a longer period of time out; take away a privilege for the day or evening, not two weeks. Most critical of all, any time you punish a behavior, make sure you're reinforcing the positive opposite of that behavior more frequently. If you're not getting enough chances to reinforce the behavior you want, consider shaping or simulations.
Also, if you are going to use punishment, plan it in advance. How many minutes of time out do you give for talking back disrespectfully? Where? In your child's room? Somewhere else? And if your child does not go to time out right away, what privilege will you take away, and for how long? Also, what if you wish to use punishment while you're riding in the car or shopping, and time out is not possible? Choose a privilege in advance that you can withdraw in such situations. When they don't plan in advance, parents often select an unnecessarily harsh punishment in the heat of the moment, which greatly increases the likelihood of undesirable side effects.
There's also withholding reinforcement--not attending to misbehavior. To the extent possible, ignore and walk away from behaviors you don't like. Attention to behavior, even reprimands or other negative attention, can reinforce the very behaviors you with to eliminate. It is important to make the point that not all reinforcers that maintain behavior are positive, lovely events. When you get mad, when you yell and scream and rage at your child, you're still providing more contact, giving more (negative) attention to a behavior--all of which could unwittingly be maintaining behavior because such attention works like positive reinforcement. No child would identify your angry reaction as a reward, but it's still a reinforcer (that's why psychologists distinguish between reinforcers and rewards; they're often not always the same) because your negative response is still attention, which can sustain a behavior like oxygen feeds a fire.

Step 6: Do a quick check of context
The preceding steps address specific procedures to use in developing a behavior-change program. Yet the context, the more general background or atmosphere in which you use the tools in this book, is extremely important. Context can have a big effect on the behaviors you may want to change, and on your success in changing them. For example, if there is a major disruption in a child's routines and activities, or a stressful event such as a separation, move, change in schools or classrooms, or an illness in the family--any such event that disrupts a more stable context could easily lead to an increase in the child's misbehavior. In these cases the child's misbehaviors are a common part of adaptation and will come and go as a routine hits an unstable patch and then becomes more stable again. In these situations, focus on putting as many of the context pieces we have outlined back into place as you can. Often you can diminish behavioral problems by checking on context alone and doing what you can to reestablish a familiar routine. Remember that the list includes promoting good communication with your child; building positive family connections; promoting positive social behavior; fostering flexibility in your household; monitoring your child--knowing where he is, whom he's with, what he's doing; minimizing negative social, psychological, and biological conditions for your child; and taking care of yourself.

[Ben Smitthimedhin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man, what a book. So many helpful tips and tricks, mainly dealing with not going insane trying to change a child's behavior. Kazdin is professor of Psychology and Child Psychiatry and was the director of the Yale Parenting Center when he wrote the book. Kazdin is a systems thinker like me and instead of asking, "How do I get my damn kid to do what I want, whenever I want" asks "What increases the overall likelihood that the child will listen and obey?" The gist of the book comes down the acronym ABC:

Antecedents - groundwork BEFORE you tell your child to do something that increases likelihood of good behavior (i.e. smiling when telling them what to do, going up closer to them, stooping to their level, building up requests with baby steps, using a gentler tone, saying please, giving them choices, challenging them by making it a game, etc.)

Behavior - changing behavior means finding the positive action that replaces the "don't do" mandate: be as explicit as possible. What do you want your child to do instead? Imagine how frustrating it would be if you show up to work and no one tells you what to do, only what not to do after you've already done it. Model and rehearse these expectations by role-playing or practicing with your child because they'll likely forget if you just tell them.

Consequence - ensure you have a 5:1 ratio on rewarding good behavior vs. punishing bad behavior. Rewarding could mean creating a point system, enthusiastically praising and thanking, etc. Repeat ad infinitum. Slowly shape the behavior by praising even when they get close to the right behavior and by creating steps to ensure they get closer to the ideal behavior to meet them where they are e.g. if your kid only eats chicken nuggets for dinner, start with chicken nuggets + trying one vegetable; don't just get upset because "she doesn't eat a variety of fruits and vegetables," build on from there and reward that.

[Micki Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Parenting Toolkit for Parents Raising Children of All Ages!

This is a great parenting book that focuses on encouragement more than punishment. It teaches parents to anticipate behavior before it occurs and help to set the scene for better behavior.

Alan E. Kazdin teaches parents to use a calm voice rather than using anger or demands to get a children to do what is asked of them. It teaches parents to praise the behavior that you want to see when you see it and to start with the basics of the behavior that you want to see and build on it over time. If you want your child to take a shower without complaining or refusing to take one, you should anticipate this behavior before asking them to take a shower. Use a system that motivates your child such as a sticker/point system to earn extra tv time, picking dinner for the night, downloading a game, playing a board game, etc. He teaches parents to give their children more choices that will make them want to do what is asked of them, rather than being demanding. It will take a little more effort to get the behavior that you want to see more of in your child, but highly worth the time and effort. I highly recommend this book to anyone raising children. It has helped me to get my boys to stop fighting as much and has helped me to get my daughter to help around the house without as many prompts!!

[Ocean G · Rating 4 out of 5]

This seemed to have some great advice, although I realized I should probably be reading this along with my wife, to make sure we both are applying the same concepts at the same time. So until that happens, here are some notes I made for myself:

- Positive opposites
Specify what the correct action is ahead of time (along with punishment for not doing it)
People are quick to punish for bad behavior, but what about praising the opposite? (Good job brushing your teeth! You spoke without interrupting us, great job!, etc.). This is more likely to stop the bad behavior than punishment, which the child just gets used to over time.
ABCs = antecedents, behavior, and consequences

[Timo Brønseth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was already sold on the idea that punishment was bad and ineffective, but his ideas on how to reinforce the positive opposite were new and usefwl to me. For example, if the child is mean to his sister; you can start praising him for when he's doing something nice for her. That sets up an external incentive to be nice, yes, but it also gives him the opportunity to discover internal rewards for the act as well (unlike with punishments). The book goes over several examples and variations of this idea.

[Izunia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book reads a bit like a dog training book... And it seems that the kids need to do their homework for a certain amount of time a day instead of doing it "until they are done". And the parents force their kids to play instruments.
Ok. Except for these examples, it was not a bad read. It emphasises praising positive opposite behaviours if we want to change something. It seems to actually work.
It would be maybe good also to have sections specific to a certain age (or age-specific summaries). Some methods look different when applied to 2 yo and to 15 yo.

[Cole Eagland · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best parenting book I’ve read. There were many passages that caused me to reflect on my own previous attempts to influence my child’s behavior and think, “OH! I wish I’d read this book before I tried that.”

It is pretty repetitive. I bet it says “if punishment is used, be sure use it much less frequently than positive reinforcement “ at least a dozen times. That’s my only real complaint. Otherwise, this is a valuable book and worth the read.

[Adi]

I'm not rating this until I actually test it out, but it seemed to have some solid methods for encouraging positive behaviors and decreasing negative ones. The only parts that really bugged were when he refers to weight loss/dieting in similes for behavior management. Thankfully it was brief and infrequent. I'm also not a fan of ignoring children as a punishment, which was brought up as an option, but if it replaces screaming, maybe it's worth it? Anyway. We'll see.

[Lucrecia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've never included a parenting book on my Goodreads list because I've never actually completed one cover to cover. This one is different--I ate up every word of it, and I think it's incredibly helpful with concrete, well-laid out steps to take. It's already helping tremendously with my highly spirited almost -5 year old.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful content which seems to be working from a parenting standpoint. Suggest readers start with the last chapter for better context about the method and then proceed with the preceding chapters for more details about planning one's approach. Do recommend, particularly for parents who find punishment isn't helping to change their child's undesirable behavior(s).

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a super helpful book for parenting children of any age. I find that the author highlights things that my mother did (before the book was written), that I am trying to emulate, but have forgotten until I read about them. I think some of these tools are probably helpful in teaching, mentoring, or being a managing employees at a company.

[Mo AlZahrani · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to all parents or teachers who interact with kids. Personally this book have helped me understand my son and figure out what's effective in order to save both of us some time and effort!

[Lesley · Rating 2 out of 5]

There’s useful ideas in here. I often found the writer’s tone to be somewhat condescending or dismissive. My biggest critique is he used to so many words to say so little. This should have been a TED talk or a 45 min webinar.

[Ben Wong · Rating 5 out of 5]

A comprehensive list of tactics and techniques to get your child to behave. A must read for every parent and parent to be

[Ben C · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very useful. Clear advice. Backed by research. Easy to follow with examples.

[Theresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well written for anyone to understand regardless of their training background.

[Cory · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the more important books I've read. Definitely recommend.

[Michelle]

Basics of behavior management.

[Mallory]

Good for first time parents. it's the 10th behavior book I've read this year. nothing super revolutionary

[Elizabeth Maddrey · Rating 3 out of 5]

My standard disclaimer for parenting books definitely applies here -- no one has a formula that will work for every child in every situation. Once you accept that, parenting books become a helpful bunch of suggestions to try and many of them contain the same information that you find in the other thousands of parenting books out there. This one is no different.

The Kazdin method centers around his ABCs. A is for Antecedents -- setting yourself up to get the behavior you want. Generally speaking, I agreed with the theory behind this, which is, essentially, you catch more flies with honey. (Say please, don't yell, etc.) BUT, he nearly lost me when he compared this to how hostage negotiators work, because the parent should never view their child as a hostage taker with whom you have to bargain to get correct behavior (in my mind, at least). If you've reached that point, you have some serious issues that reading books is not likely to fix.

B is for behaviors. The best aspect of this is how he asks you to focus on defining your goal behavior in a positive manner. So rather than saying "I want him to stop hitting his brother" you would say "I want him to use gentle hands when he interacts with his brother." Once you have a positive goal it's much easier to figure out the steps for getting there, which leads to...

C, for consequences. I also appreciated the fact that consequences was not automatically related to punishment in this book. In fact, Kazdin is pretty anti-punishment. Instead, he wants you to take your positive goal behavior and then reinforce when you see that occurring ("Hey, great job with that gentle pat you just gave your brother. That was excellent.") When children realize they get attention for positive behaviors, not just negative ones, they'll do the behaviors you want because they want that attention. And everyone feels better about motivating from a positive position.

There were other things I disagreed with (I'm not as anti-punishment and I do believe in the value of a time-out. Kazdin doesn't, really. And I also believe there are situations where the parent simply needs to be obeyed, not because you've coerced or manipulated your child into doing it, but because you're the one in charge. The idea that parents are in charge is not one that I found in this book - kids and parents seem to be put on an even playing field by Kazdin. Not sure if that is the truth of his feeling or just a poorly written aspect of the book though.)

So there are tools to add to your parenting toolkit here, and that makes it a worthwhile read.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really informative parenting how-to from the director of the Yale Parenting Center. Based on years of evidence-based research (a rarity for a parenting book), Dr. Kazdin explains his basic parenting tool, "the ABCs" -- antecedents, behavior, and consequences. Then he works through each of these concepts and finally gives worked examples of how the entire system can operate on a particular problem behavior.

I'm a sucker for science and I like reading about parenting solutions, so this was a winner for me. I have to say, the only weakness I found was that I walked away with not enough understanding or examples of antecedents. The "Bs" and "Cs" seems utterly clear to me, but antecedents were a touch glossed over. Maybe it's because it's the one concept that we're not all immediately familiar with as parents. I could've used an extra "As" chapter.

But I really do recommend this book for any parents who want to change any of their kid's behaviors!

[Barb Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

Behaviorism-based parenting methods, with plenty of real-life examples to help parents use the methods at home. As with all parenting methods, effectiveness depends on consistency and correct implementation, but this method is research based and allows an affectionate, positive approach while getting real and lasting results.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome, clearly written book with easy-to-understand methods for changing your child's behavior. Unlike most parenting books, this is research-based and gives concrete tools to employ every day. There are also not a lot of wasted words, which I appreciate--even the introduction was informative.

[Julianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Evidence based parenting methods, gave me confidence in some things I felt in my gut, redirected other ideas, and I appreciated the philosophy and style. Call me in 18 years and I'll let you know if it actually worked.

[Susan]

Nothing new here, but a good reminder of some useful ways to diffuse tense situations or prevent them in the first place.

[Gina Stepp · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're tired of trying to find a parenting book with research-proven advice that makes sense and really works: stop searching the book stores now. This is the one you've been looking for.

[Ehud · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some very good behavioral techniques which worked immediately when I implemented them. The writing is clear and engaging and the book isn't that long.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read quite a few parenting books, and this one is my favorite by a long shot! I love the practical advice and methods, the concept of praising the good behaviors more than punishing the bad, and the simplicity of the techniques. I have already begun using the methods on one problematic behavior with one of my sons and have seen a quick alleviation of shenanigans already! Five stars here!