I've read a good number of mafia themed books, including the original Godfather by Puzo and all the prequels and sequels. When you are from the Bronx, this stuff runs in your blood. I've read some other mafia themed books. Two that were particularly bad were Quitting the Mob and Bound By Honor. Neither were quite as painful as this foul tome I am reviewing. This is the worst book I've ever had the misfortune to read.
Christian, known by his sobriquet "Mac", (as in MacGyver) is a 6th grade "fixer" who solves his classmates problems for a fee. He boasts a clean operation, and it would be, if a clean operation were to involve theft, breaking and entering, intimidation and bodily harm.
Christian is as dull as Bruno Tattaglia and his instincts are just as keen. (Fun fact: Tony Giorgia hails from - yes - Herkimer, NY!) His trusty consigliere Vince is no Tom Hagen, much less Genco. These two half wits couldn't run Immobiliare, much less a quasi-criminal ring of grade school favors. The personality-free Joe is a kinder, dumber, more ineffectual Luca Brasi. Christian doesn't do any of the dirty work (obligatory Norm MacDonald reference here) of his "business" himself, he has a cadre of psycho bullies for that. Every one of them has a nickname and this is just one of the author's sad attempts at humor.
The world in which Christian lives seems to be the backwards bizarro world: up is down, down is up, you say "hello" when you leave, "goodbye" when you arrive. (Or you can say "badbye", it is entirely up to you.)
In this bizarro world, janitors who are dependent upon their jobs to feed their children make deals with 6th graders. They give them keys to the school and let them run their "business" from an unused bathroom, to which they also give them keys. They lie to their boss to protect aforementioned 6th grader.
The story begins with a request from one Trixie Von Parkway (yes, that is the stupid fake name she gives, no, the queasiness will not go away, I apologize). She wants new teacher and awesome coach Mr. Kjelson taken down. Why? They don't know. (He's her FATHER. And she wants to go back to her old school. But, then she wants to stay.) What might have been a palatable story went nowhere. I think the only point of Trixie was to show that Christian and Vince are uncomfortable around screwy dames.
After Trixie departs, we learn the school lunches have become unhealthy and someone is hiding poo in lockers. Something is going on. Something….
Enter Dr. George, the new VP. Dr. George has a PhD, which makes him a "fake doctor." Was this jealousy, or was it said tongue-in-cheek? I'm sure I'll never know. Anyhow, Dr. George is here to clean up the school and Christian bemoans that now the school will be run by "two jerks."
I was a little disturbed at Christian's frequent descriptions of Dr. George's physical features. I'm not sure I can describe my spouse with a similar level of detail.
Christian says the word "suit" often and by it he means a person in authority, more specifically, a school administrator. Every time I encountered this word, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. I mean, we all want it to be 1983 again, but I don't hear many 12 year old dudes using that term today.
It becomes apparent that Dr. George is onto Christian's "business". Then Dr. George begins giving detention to bullies. Hyman Roth sees this as a threat to his "business". Free-roaming bullies from which kids would need protection (which he would provide, for which he would be paid) would be his preference.
Everyone is worried about the upcoming standardized tests. The school has to pass, or it will be shut down immediately! Frankie Five Angels has his lackey snatch the tests and the answer key. His merry band of bullies alter the tests with the supposed correct answers. It is common knowledge that bullies are unmatched in their sharp abilities to follow the precise instructions that this would involve. School is saved!
Well, no. The school failed miserably. Christian's parents weep when they are notified (with lightning speed for a state test) that Christian hasn't "met the standards." How can this be?
Cue Lex Luthor music. It's Dr. George up to his old tricks. How do we find this out? He tells Kjelson, Christian and Vince in true Scooby-Doo villain style. He planted a fake answer key!
When Don Corleone asks the Turk what the Tattaglia family's take will be from the Turk's drug selling proposal, the Turk compliments Tom Hagen because he knows the ginger consigliere had found out that the Tattaglias sponsored him. Similarly, Christian should have given Dr. George respect. Christian views most adults as dimwitted as his parents, but George was onto him from the beginning. He knew enough to bait him with false test answers. That was brilliant. (Why didn't Christian suspect they were fake? Even Fredo would have been on the lookout for that.) He knew about Christian's operation. He had gotten into the bathroom way before Christian knew about it.
Dr. George is obviously the hero of this book. He wants the school to shut down so a charter school can be opened in its place. He wants to reward the hard working students with a good education. He is concerned that kids like Christian and Vince don't show respect for the teachers. He envisions a school that emphasizes hard work, discipline and respect. So, he doctors the state tests….wait, no he didn't do that at all. Christian did that for him. Sure, Dr. George changed menus and dispersed poop, but the state tests are what matter. This is all expressed in Dr. George's soliloquy, titled "Things Not To Tell Your Enemies."
Christian confesses his sins at the school board meeting and the school is saved. Dr. George, who would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids, would actually have been fine if he hadn't taken Tony and Carmine Rosato to the fourth stall for a little talking-to, also known as "Things Not To Do During A Crowded School Board Meeting". We all know how poorly union appointed lawyers defend their clients in court, so it is not hard to imaging that Dr. George does jail time for his attempts to educate America's youth.
A few concerns I still have:
If Tyrell was such a great spy, how come he couldn't figure out that Trixie and Kjelson were related?
How severely was Tyrell punished for breaking into the school?
If the school was so wonderful, why was Dickerson a, well, a jerk? Why did many of the other teachers besides Kjelson not care that something might be going on? Why were there bullies running rampant?
No mention of the fate of the kind janitor. He surely would be out of a job and probably in jail since the lawyers appointed to a janitor - oh right, he would have had to pay for his own lawyer.
Did this book result from some middle-school trauma in the author's life? Does he see Dr. George in his nightmares? Is fantasizing he is Mac the only remedy?
Reading this book was like being hit in the face repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer by a woman who is singing the national anthem off key and then being forced to watch a Cubs game and the only snack food is rice. (I hate rice.)
(If you actually found that analogy funny, you might like this book. It is chock full of lame analogies.)
The Godfather and the Godfather Part II movies were both written from one book. However, if we liken these Fourth Stall books to the Godfather movies, then the quality of the third book would drop as the quality of the movie the Godfather Part III dropped significantly when compared to the first two. I know - how is that even possible? Oh no! Will Bridget Fonda be in the book or - no, please no - Sofia Coppola? I can't bear it.