The Douche Journals: The Definitive Account of One Man's Genius

by Allan H. Schmidt, Nick Miller (Introduction)

Before Jess was the new girl, there was Nick, Winston, Schmidt . . . and The Douchebag Jar.

Originally devised to do nothing more than alter Schmidt's wardrobe, hairstyle, and personality, the Douchebag Jar has become an apartment-wide phenomenon, forever changing the way douche-like behavior is viewed, policed, and penalized.

Compiled and annotated by Schmidt himself, The Douche Journals catalogs the jar's first years in existence. Every jar-worthy outfit, faux pas, and innuendo is captured exquisitely and for all time, transporting fans and scholars alike into the inner orbit of a master douche at the height of his powers. Comprehensive, unflinching, and fully illustrated, The Douche Journals delves deep into the annals of douchery.

Genres: Humor, Comedy, Fiction, Adult, Short Stories, Collections, Ebooks

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 18, 2012

Reviews

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

No, it isn't a perfect book. But I grinned and chuckled all the way through it because Schmidt is amazing.


Here are some of my faves...

"What kind of tanning salon doesn't take Discover?"

Suggestions to Chris and Gwenyth for their next child's name including Desk, Lid, Throat, Oreo, and Goo.

"The question is, why don't YOU wear driving gloves?"

"Skinny Chandler makes me laugh, but Puffy Chandler makes me think."

"She wouldn't put a tiny straw in my drink if she didn't want me to use it."

"Sometimes all it takes is an apostrophe to turn 'manslaughter' into 'man's laughter.' "

And my very favorite...

"If I had a penny for everytime someone mispronounces "bruschetta" in my presence, I'd be a billionaire."


If you love The New Girl, it's definitely worth a read. =)

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fun, light-hearted read from the world of my very favorite TV show! I smiled the entire time I read this and I could really hear Schmidt's voice throughout!

[Hannah Lowry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perfect for fans of New Girl! Wish there were more Nick cameos.

[Beach Girl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a great reminder of the wonderful show, New Girl. You could hear the voices of the characters throughout. It was a light entertaining mix of quotes and silly events.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is not really a book. It's more...lines from the show. But like, one per page. So it reads quickly, but it's not all that funny. I expected more. Schmidt was hilarious in New Girl.



2 stars.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ridiculously fun.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious book. Classic Schmidt. Can't wait for the next volume!!!

[Niche · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn't quite sure what to expect with this one, but it's the character Schmidt from The New Girl documenting the various times he was penalized paying into the Douche Jar (an item from the show that's sort of like a swear jar, but for Schmidt's "douchey" musings and actions). It's arranged chronologically and the general format is his quote (or a rare photo) followed by the setting/situation and then his notes and comments. I could definitely "hear" Schmidt's voice in the writing, the chronicling serving as a record for the future when these penalties will be vindicated and recognized as being simultaneously on point and on the bleeding edge of trends and ideas.

I had liked the character on the show and found his persona pretty entertaining, the quotes are on brand, but following one after the other without any of the other characters to react and play off highlighted the unevenness of them. Some I burst out laughing, others garnered little response.

I think the ones I laughed the hardest at were:
"Most people assume that if I could change one thing about Nick it would be the flatulence, but actually I’d love to make him Vietnamese."

“Paramilitary groups get a bad rap—but I think it’s brave that handicapped people want to serve.”

“It would be so much easier for me to invest in Les Misérables if I knew what kind of bread he was stealing.”

[Lauren Schnoebelen · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75⭐️

I accidentally found this while looking for something completely different. The moment I saw it I was like “yup, I’m reading this now.” And I can say that it didn’t disappoint one bit. Is it the greatest book in the world? No, but it is definitely entertaining and had me laughing throughout the entire thing. We learned about many of these events from the show but it’s still fun to read through it all. I loved Nick’s forward which was the email conversation and also all the random extra photos and charts and everything Schmidt included for side notes revolving around the moments. Would highly recommend for any fan of the show. It’s a quick read and makes you want to go watch the show again.

[julianna ☽ · Rating 3 out of 5]

i ordered this book online and read it all in one sitting as soon as it was delivered to my house not even two hours ago. it was kinda funny, i love schmidt and was thrilled to know there was a book based on him and the douche jar, but it wasn’t nearly as good as i expected it to be and some of the quotes were so offensive that instead of laughing i just felt terribly uncomfortable. i’d still recommend this to diehard new girl fans like myself but just don’t go into it expecting it to be anything more than decent. (and if you buy it get a used version, it’s not worth spending the original price!)

[Courtney Hengel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful find by me at my local bookstore. It was a short read because it is just everything Schmidt has said that has made him put money in the douchebag jar. Definitely read every word of this in Schmidt's voice, and he is my favorite character on New Girl so I absolutely loved this book. I am happy for this book's existence. I kind of wish there were more but this is just a funny book and I enjoyed it too much.

[Kris Escalante · Rating 3 out of 5]

it's a funny book and it helps to make it funnier, if you're familiar with the show. If you didn't watch the show and didn't know the character, it probably would feel very offensive during this day and age.

[Emily Clift · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick read, but was amused the whole way through. 😊

[Courtney · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ha!
Enjoyable if you like the show.
Nice to read it in Schmidt's voice.

[Isley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Schmidt’s character is embodied throughout this book and had me laughing the whole time! Fans of New Girl must read The Douche Journals for a good laugh.

[mar · Rating 5 out of 5]

ladies love schmidt

[Tiffany Bostrom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this fun, fast read was perfect for any "New Girl" fan. You can really hear the characters' voices in the text! - B

[Lauren Porteneuve · Rating 3 out of 5]

schmidt is such a silly guy

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

lol omfg schmidt, you loser hahahaha

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Elicits just enough smiles and laughing-on-the-inside to squeak by with a (very low) 3. Which was the impression that I got from the reviews I had read, but I went ahead and bought it anyway because there's a good chance I may die from lack of New Girl before Tuesday. (Seriously, why am I not a TV critic or Zooey Deschanel's BFFL or something that would grant me access to advance copies of the show? Although let's be honest, I probably wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut...)

Anyway, there's really nothing in this book that comes close to touching the hilarity of the jar moments on New Girl. Or even Schmidt's non-jar lines: "I'm a squirrel, you're my nut. Winter's coming and I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl." I REST MY CASE.

So, it's a shame that this book didn't reach its potential, because I feel like there are so many jar lines for Schmidt that you could never possibly put them all in the show. Hell, you could make a whole series just about the jar. Who knows, maybe in a few years they'll release a book of things he's actually said on the show. I'd buy that. But I'll buy pretty much anything when it comes to fandom.

[Maddy · Rating 3 out of 5]

There really isn't much to say about this book. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Was there really much to it? No.

I made the mistake of buying this book without really knowing what it was and only based on my love for the character. While I had assumed this book would be a collection of journal entries from Schmidt detailing the origin of the infamous jar and events where he was forced to cough up money for acting like a douche, it actually was just a collection of quotes. Sure, the quotes were douche-y but they alone didn't make for an outstanding book... especially if your comparing price to quantity. There just wasn't a lot of anything here.

Overall, it was a nice funny tie-in if you love Schmidt from New Girl. However, if you don't want to spend a lot of money, this book is definitely not essential. I recommend only buying it if you got money burning in your pocket or if you really love New Girl. If not, I recommend getting it from the library or a half-priced book store if you can.

[Tina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I saw this on display at the library and grabbed it to read between customers. I watched New Girl for a couple seasons and was interested in what Nick'd write in a foreword for his friend. The foreword was the best part of the book. If you're someone like me who can only take Schmidt in small doses, this is most definitely not the book for you. I wonder when the concept of this book was developed as it seemed to parallel more to the very early episodes of season 1 when it was trying to find its groove. I would have preferred reading about Schmidt during the CC era. But maybe that's just me.

Also whoever was in charge of photoshopping that cover deserves to be shot.

[Melanie Cusick-Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love 'New Girl' and a friend who I geek (a bit) over this show with bought me this recently. It's lots of fun if you're a fan of the show - some really good, pure Schmidt moments, where you completely read the short exceprts as to how he got fined for the douche jar, in his voice. There are odd 'violations' which are less funny than others, but some of the further examples he gives, are absolute gold.

I kept it beside the bed and just dipped in and out for a few pages, otherwise I'd have blasted through it in a couple of sittings. If you're a fan of the show, you'll probably enjoy this, because I think everyone has a little bit of Schmidt in them...maybe just not wearing a pashmina...

[Rich Yavorsky · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why yes: I do think that Schmidt belongs in the annals of classic literature and/or on* the back of my toilet. If you disagree, you and your whore mouth can march right on out of this Pottery Barn. To wit:

- Horse names to consider, #5: Neverglue
- Places I'll never make love again, #22: "Abandoned" helipad
- Fallback titles for my lesbian wild west novel, #1: All Holsters, No Guns
- [Through tears, credits rolling] Football? I just assumed a movie called We Are Marshall was about a schizophrenic guy named Marshall.

___
* a very necessary second preposition. But don't say I didn't think about leaving it out, just to see who would get the joke.

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I sort of loved this. Being a huge fan of the show, I could really hear Schmidt's voice through this--and that was important. I'm not usually the type to read books that go along with movies, let alone a tv show. But this was just funny.

"What blind, thumbless child julienned this radish?"

"If you don't look good in your driver's license photo, get the hell off the road."

"Porous grout? On a cooking surface? Let's just cut out the middleman and eat off a turd."

[Lisa-Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Douche Journals is a humorous companion to the television show New Girl. I would say you would need to be a fan of the show to even enjoy the book. It's witty, fun, and a quick read.

It takes you along the journey of the creation of the Douche jar, and just where all that money came from that you see in the jar when Jess joins the guys in the loft.

Quite an interesting book, and a fun, light read before bed.

[Unraveling · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. I wasn't expecting much, so I wasn't disappointed.

My favorite line: If a pony only doing one trick has become synonymous with failure, perhaps we as a society have become too demanding of our ponies.

Runner-up: It would be so much easier for me to invest in Les Miserables if I knew what kind of bread he was stealing.

[Brittany Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was brilliant. I was laughing the whole way through this quick little read. You must be an avid New Girl watcher to fully enjoy this one because you'll want to be familiar with Schmidt and the jar. I can hear him saying each and every offense. Love. I hope there's a volume two somewhere down the line!

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love New Girl and Schmidt is my favorite character. When I saw this book on the library shelf I just had to read it. I read the whole thing in 30 minutes and laughed all the way thru it. Some of the things he says are just out there. Not sure if he is stupid or just says things without thinking but whatever it is its funny.

[Jerika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I was expecting. It's not really a book, so much as a list, and took zero time to read. I thought there'd be more of Schmidt's voice in this. But it did crack me up at times. It was good enough to hold me over until the show starts again.