Women and Desire : Beyond wanting to be wanted

by Polly Young-Eisendrath

Many years ago the famous French psychoanalyst Jaques Lacan said that women want to be wanted, not to be loved. Now, in her fascinating book about female desire and empowerment, internationally renowned Jungian analyst and author Polly Young-Eisendrath explores this idea further. Women look to others to provide them with confidence, happiness and self-esteem. This reliance produces a need to please others, in order to receive praise. We please others by trying to conform to an image, rather than finding out what our real needs are. If this image conflicts with our inner needs we can become resentful, frustrated and out of control. Often we deal with this unhappiness by trying even harder to make ourselves the kind of spouse, lover, mother or worker who is wanted and desired. We have to abandon these female images and discover our own real needs, without fear or shame. Only by learning to voice these needs clearly, and meet them from within, can we escape the cycle of 'wanting to be wanted'.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Feminism, Self Help, Womens, Health

Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., is a Jungian analyst, psychologist, and psychotherapist in private practice. She is Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont and the founder and director of the Institute for Dialogue Therapy. She is past president of the Vermont Association for Psychoanalytic Studies and a founding member of the Vermont Institute for the Psychotherapies. Polly is also the chairperson of Enlightening Conversations, a series of conversational conferences which bring together participants from the front lines of Buddhism and psychoanalysis. Polly has published sixteen books, as well as many chapters and articles, that have been translated into more than twenty languages, including The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance> and Love Between Equals: Relationship as a Spiritual Path>.

Reviews

[Kay Pistachio · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm always never sure when I start one of polly's books like eeehhhh I dunno about this....I think it's the titles. You're Not What I Expected is not a book you really want your life partner to find you immersed in and Women and Desire sounds like erotic trash fiction. But both are amazing books. I really recommend any of Polly Young-Eisendrath's books, she offers some incredible analysis in anything she writes. For most women who read this book, I think they will find her thoughts spot-on with maybe feelings or subconscious emotions that we have about society but find difficult to really clarify or express coherently. I especially liked the interpretation of Rumplestilstkin as a feminist folktale. It is much harder for women to establish autonomy and Polly really gives voice to that struggle and offers encouragement. Really loved this book.

[Rebecca Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up at a second hand bookstore and what a find it is! This book explores the idea that women are conditioned to find value and meaning in life through being wanted; initially as a desire-awakening maiden and then (once we're too old for that) as a mother. It considers the difficulties and challenges of discovering our own desires away from "wanting to be wanted", which is awesome and scary. I'd have given it five stars but it lost me a bit once it got stuck into religion and spirituality - maybe just the wrong time for this for me. Anyway, an excellent and enlightening read.

[Mella · Rating 4 out of 5]

"There is no real independence for humans, because we always need and depend on others; independence is an illusion."

aspects of this book are dated but besides that, v thoughtful and interesting explorations of desire in many forms

[Lion Ladz · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful look into the various expectations that women face through socialised norms of what it means to be a woman and the impacts this has on our own repressed desires. Could not put it down - was very helpful for me at this point in my life as I shift into crone energy…

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

helpful book for any woman feeling conflicted and trying to balance the demands of career, family, and self

[Suha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm definitely going to be reading this over and over again. It's packed with so much information and insights that I feel I need to be constantly reminded of.

[Lora Temelkova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Книгата има своето важно място сред литературата за женската психология. Малка, но с много храна за размисъл, чрез приказки и митове разказва за ключови теми в живота на жената. Тезата, която авторката застъпва е, че е важно жените да стигнем наистина "отвъд желанието да бъдем желани" и приемани от другите и да създадем свой собствен смисъл и лична себестойност.

[Ronja · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though it's over 20 years old, the book is unfortunately still very relevant today. A very interesting read.

[Betty Vernon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offers a different view point for women. I read it years ago and it made me think about many gritty issues in new ways. I am going to read it again soon and see if it still resonates ten years later.

[Raji Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted" is a remarkable and timely contribution to the discourse on female desire. Dr. Eisendrath offers readers a thoughtful and empowering perspective that challenges societal norms and encourages women to embrace the richness of their desires but recognize the 'Hungry Ghost' within... of having insatiable appetites or desires but are unable to satisfy them because it is a wanting to be wanted. ...which is a state of suffering, wandering in search of unfulfilled desires... women often want to be wanted rather than to be fully engaged with life. The desire of wanting to be wanted may be a contribution of many factors....

POWER DYNAMICS: Examining how traditional power structures within a patriarchal society can influence women's agency and autonomy in expressing and fulfilling their desires.

SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS: Analyzing how societal norms, often shaped by patriarchal values, impact women's understanding of their desires. This may include expectations placed on women in terms of relationships, family roles, and societal standards of beauty and behavior.

INTERSECTIONALITY: Considering how the experiences of desire are shaped not only by gender but also by other intersecting factors such as race, class, and sexuality within a patriarchal framework.

HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE/RELIGION: Exploring how historical practices and religious and cultural norms influenced the shaping of desires for women and how these have evolved or persisted over time.

RESISTANCE AND ENPOWERMENT: Discussing ways in which women challenge or resist patriarchal norms, asserting their own agency and reclaiming control over their desires.

This book is not only an intellectual journey but also a call to action for women to reclaim agency over their desires of wanting to be wanted and to celebrate the diverse and dynamic nature of their being.
Dr. Young-Eisendrath shows us how to break out of this double bind so that we can encounter the challenges of choice and responsibility for our own desires. She wisely uses mythological and personal stories to help us take control of our sexual, relational, material, and spiritual lives. If you feel confused, resentful, or trapped in a life that does not seem to be fully yours, then you can find a clear path to your true self, once and for all, with the help of this book.

[Daniel · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hated this book. I read this to learn something about women psychology that I thought could be useful in appreciating women, instead my takeaway is that the author is a femme-nazi with modern day twisted thinking (despite the book being two decades old). It feels like it's a whole book of "man's fault" for women having issues.

What's so easy about being a man? It's not really a glorious existence either if you start to look close. Stop blaming, and start changing yourself from inside. Sounds like this woman has serious issues... she should go see someone.

[Anna Pecinová · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book I felt so incredibly seen. The combination of Poly’s philosophies - Buddhism, Feminism and Jungian analysis made this book feel extremely personal. She is bold in her statements yet able to critically examine ways of thinking. She points out all the different ways women are socialised and draws conclusions that have blown my mind at times.
She’s bold yet soft and compassionate.
This is a must read for every woman.

[Morgan Tierney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow what an exceptional book. I came to this from ‘Why Bother’ by Jennifer Louden (another exceptional book) as I’m on a mini-women’s studies reading path.

I found this to be fantastic. Polly is well researched and has great analysis on long-standing dynamics that play out within our society and how you can acknowledge and free yourself from them.

[Andjelka Jankovic · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Women are fundamentally unpractised I’m being the Subjects of our desires” BOOM. A thought provoking book on personal sovereignty and living in alignment with our values and true self. From wanting to be wanted by others, to being sustained by the love of our own heart.

[hozierhoe · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5
the first 70 pages or so are so engaging and filled with information i wanted to underline every line, she lost me at the end with spirituality and just repetition

but she said fuck the male gaze, listen to your pussy and let’s go lesbians

[Sarafina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful well written book!

[cato · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel very lucky to have come across this book

[Adinda Nurrizki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mind blowing, describe what makes a woman in psycoanalyst perspective.

[Shea · Rating 4 out of 5]

much to think about

. i still don’t know what i want

[Caddyshack Project · Rating 4 out of 5]

Caddyshack three word review:
Thought provoking, insightful & helpful

[Jenn "JR" · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written by self-described Jungian psychoanalyst & long time Zen Buddhist, this book has a very particular style at the outset. The author does a great job of using myths and fairy tales to illustrate the difference between being the "Object of Desire" and the "Subject" of one's own desires. She also uses case studies from her work and everything works pretty well for most of the book. I found the section about hot house mothering and the child to be most illuminating -- I wish I could find more literature that expands on the defective concept of hot house mothering.

I see how my mother was raised in that kind of environment post-WW2 and then a swing away from that allowed us to be largely "free range" children and latch key kids. A swing back toward that resulted in my sister staying at home to be a full time mother (no nanny, no nearby family) and subsequently rewriting our childhood as one of neglect and abuse. I hear mothers talking about "attached parenting" and "free range children" and I think that there is a bit of transition in the paradigm of parenting right now, so I might conduct some research among friends who are parents.

Her chapter on spirituality and religion seemed weak to me - I'm not convinced, for example, that I need to belong to a spiritual community in order to see my errors & flaws, and to grow as a human being and to find transcendent meaning in mortality. Her complaints about sexism and constraint in religion and women functioning as leaders in religious communities just sounded like some unrelated article or discourse tacked onto the end of the book to finish it off.

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book recommended to me by a friend who lately reads nothing but feminism. The first few chapters resonate with me; I like her use of Jungian archetypes and mythology to illustrate points. Where she loses me is later when she begins to make statements like "couples who pool their finances stay together longer" without qualifying the statement and the last part of the book on spirituality. While I agree with her notion that spirituality is necessary for a fulfilling life, I don't exactly understand or agree with her presentation of these ideas.

[Yvonne O'Connor · Rating 5 out of 5]

A non-fiction look at women struggling with the desire to be loved and the desire to achieve a true identity without having to sacrifice either. Lesbian and heterosexual, feminist and traditional theories and stereotypes are explored and detailed with the end result being the advice to seize upon the opportunity to make the choices you really want.

A good book to read all at once or piecemeal due to the construction. Polly remains non-preachy and interesting throughout. A welcome change to the "woman as victim" series so prevalent at this time in the market.

[Noor Alhuda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably my favorite concept this book introduced to me is the idea of "mature dependence," as distinguished from codependency and (pseudo)independence. I also appreciated what she had to say about spirituality, as something that deepens and inspires an enrichment of our emotional maturity and psychological health.

[Jude]

Re reading again this awesome book points me towards having all that I can achieve without the guilt and condemnation from popular culture. I am once again aware of the roles men play in shaping our desire and self esteem.

[Kristin Duncombe · Rating 5 out of 5]

An extremely accessible self help book that addresses how women often stop being the subject of their own lives in order to be the object of someone else's. Highly recommended.

[Brigitte · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book I read for class, but really informative about women and sexuality.

[Baby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel very lucky to have come across this book