Remembering The Bone House

by Nancy Mairs

Nancy Mairs reconstructs her past by exploring her erotic and emotional development in order to lay claim to her life—and women's lives in general. Lyrical, intense, and particular, flouting taboos and self-censorship, this acclaimed memoir explores the spaces that have shaped a life, including the "bone house" of her body.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Feminism, Health, Essays, Autobiography, Disability

288 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

About the author

Nancy Mairs was an author who wrote about diverse topics, including spirituality, women's issues and her experiences living with multiple sclerosis. She received an AB from Wheaton College, and an MFA in writing and a Ph.D. from the University of Arizona.

She was diagnosed with MS when she was 28, and wrote several essays on her experiences as a self-described "cripple", including "On Being a Cripple," "Sex and the Gimpy Girl," and the memoir Waist High in the World.

Reviews

[Luke Peterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is nothing dishonest about Nancy Mairs' tale-telling of her own life in Remembering the Bone House; her approach is unique and her execution is complete.

From a personal perspective, reading an autobiography of this depth (albeit brief and somewhat scattered) was eye-opening and amazing. I think Mairs' book should be on some sort of intergalactic reading list.

[Stephanie Lehr · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a fairly uncommon publication that I have been wanting to read for years. The psychological theme of women's bodies through space and time that frames the book is very compelling, but deteriorates as the text moves along, as Mairs loses her focus with inconsequential details. At that point, it felt like she was writing for personal companionship and not to unveil insight. Additionally, the ever-expanding indulgence of her New England privilege obfuscates any real attempts of self-realization.

[Julene · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got fully engaged in reading Nancy Mairs "Remembering The Bone House." I was drawn to it by reading it addressed illness and sexuality frankly. It was a biography and took a long road to get to her young adulthood, sexuality, and the beginnings of her MS. But in setting such a through groundwork of her childhood we come to appreciate her in a deeper way then if she jumped into writing about her affairs. She was approximately ten years older than I am so I felt familiar with the time period, the world a white privileged woman grew up in with limitations because it was a man's world.

She was abandoned early by her father's death in a car accident, something that had a lasting influence. Near the beginning she writes, "Only after many years will I recognize that I, too, have survived a loss, and not necessarily intact. The depression and multiple sclerosis awaiting me will suggest that changes in the structural level have already occurred by the time I learn to forgive Daddy for abandoning me without even saying good-bye."

Often there is a fog to get through for women to see themselves as writers. She was admitted into a mental hospital. She attempted suicide. She had two children, the first one with no guidance or support, the second one not because she wanted to have another child but to give her husband a son, and luckily she had a boy the second time. These are stories I knew as a girl growing up. Women who had children only for their husbands and the expectations of the culture. She had no warning how difficult bringing home a new baby would be. She had a mother who helped. There was little access to good information and the men in powerful positions did not understand or give information that would be helpful.

About writing, this quote states what is still a problem: "For better or worse, writers have sought legitimacy and the means of making a living within the academy, that male model of ceremonial combat based on the boast and the flite, on the strife from excellence, the mastery of material, the control of language, on the probing analysis and the penetrating insight." This exemplifies the male world she/we are trying in our women's liberation to enter and even change.

Later she quotes Janette Turner Hospital, who goes beyond Virginia Woolf for what women need, "The quest of women writer is a search not just for a room of their own, but for safe quiet space, for nontoxic air, for a place where the self can really breathe." "...the search involves contraction into smaller and smaller space; frequently it leads to an ultimate withdrawal into the body itself."

Eventually, she removed herself from her household into a separate household so she could write. Part of the reason was because her husband did not support her in setting up norms for their son. She calls it, "The winter of icy silence." And writes: "As far as George is concerned, if I feel upset, even at him, then I've got a problem I need to straighten out. He is capable only of right action, and it an actin of his infuriates me, then I must be misreading it. In sum, I'm on my own."

She says her affairs were to elicit passion that helped her writing. She is quite blunt that sexual desire in a marriage dies once you have the person committed. I like the clarity that she came to despite the culture and years living in a world with guidelines that didn't suit her. She took power to do what she needed to do, it took a long time.

After reading the book I looked her up and watched a documentary on her life. She is delightful, funny, and her husband stayed with her. In fact, he had at least one infidelity himself. Marriage is not an easy thing. I have marked more books of hers I want to read.

[Ed Temple · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stephanie Lehr wrote a review of “Remembering the Bone House” that mentioned Nancy Mairs’ supposed “New England privilege. I knew Nancy more than fifty years ago while we were both inmates at a state hospital in Waltham , Ma. She was one of the brightest people I have ever known and I can credit her with our mutual survival in that modern day snake pit. We held hands while getting our electro shock treatments——twenty of them in all for each of us. The only thing that gave Nancy her ‘privilege’ was her greatly superior intellect and her compassion. I think of her often and am truly grateful for her memory, her wit and her friendship.

[Veronica Kirin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A gorgeous book digging into the space a body occupies. The concept that one’s body is one’s home. Mairs explore what that means when one has a chronic illness, how that affects one’s occupancy. She does not shy away from female sexuality, fully sharing the truth about life in her body. A daring feat at the time of its writing. A daring feat even today. A must read for those with chronic conditions, writers searching for their voice, and artists.

[Andrea Irvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book many years ago, but remember loving it.

[Francescajemm]

I want to re-read if!

[Rosalía · Rating 2 out of 5]

This memoir was of a woman who develops Progressive MS and on the last page cannot function normally in a physical way. The entire book though, is the life story of a woman I really care nothing about. It really is a memoir. Of a woman I've never heard of. I just checked it out of the library because I thought she may have some insight as to how to live with a degenerative disease. So I admit to skipping a fair number of pages in the middle, getting interested at parts, and then finishing with a sigh. If you have no interest in Nancy Mairs, I wouldn't bother. If you like autobiographies, you may get caught up in the story.

[Amy Bernhard · Rating 3 out of 5]

Would like to give this 3.5 stars. The writing was lovely, but I'm maybe biased because I love Plaintext, and I was disappointed that I didn't see the same level of insight being made in this memoir. I understand the form is different--essay/memoir--but I see no reason why the same level of analysis can't also be applied to memoir. In fact, I think it should. After the first half of this book, I started to feel like I was simply marching through time without pause to really reflect on some of the issues--feminism, sexuality, mental illness, physical disability--that the writer covers. I do like the reoccurring theme of house and body, though. Worth a read.

[Jeanette · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book stays with you. I like the way the author connects the homes she lived in to her story. You feel the power of place come alive.

I didn't like the cavalier attitude about her affairs. However, the book is a true account of a woman's life, with all the good and bad emotions deeply felt.

[lola · Rating 2 out of 5]

insufferable amount of self indulgence. reading it reminded me of when i was a kid and scanned through grown-up books just for the sexy parts. sexy parts were good. everything else was boring grown-ups talking about boring grown-up stuff.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent memoir by Nancy Mairs. Fills in some gaps in her essay work Plaintext. Reading some books I have been carrying with me for years, and it was worth finally reading; I knew I picked well years ago!

[Ursula S · Rating 1 out of 5]

This looked interesting but rapidly deteriorated into self-obsessed whining. I couldn't finish it.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wish I had a copy of this book to remember it by. Touches on issues of able bodies and sexuality.

[Jodie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is 20 years old (written in 1988) It is a fine and intriguing example of a thread of women's literature - not quite memoir, but an exploration of body and memory through the lens of place.

[Georgiann Hennelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

i could not put this book down totally engrossed me from start to finish .

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite Mairs books. I am rereading it now. Love her work.