Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed

by Wendy T. Behary, Jeffrey Young (Foreword), Daniel J. Siegel (Preface)

Do you know someone who is overly arrogant, shows an extreme lack of empathy, or exhibits an inflated sense of entitlement? Do they exploit others, or engage in magical thinking? These are all traits of narcissistic personality disorder, and when it comes to dealing with narcissists, it can be difficult to get your point across. So how do you handle the narcissistic people in your life? You might interact with them in social or professional settings, and you might even love one—so ignoring them isn’t really a practical solution. They're frustrating, and maybe even intimidating, but ultimately, you need to find a way of communicating effectively with them.

Disarming the Narcissist, Second Edition, will show you how to move past the narcissist's defenses using compassionate, empathetic communication. You'll learn how narcissists view the world, how to navigate their coping styles, and why, oftentimes, it's sad and lonely being a narcissist. By learning to anticipate and avoid certain hot-button issues, you'll be able to relate to narcissists without triggering aggression. By validating some common narcissistic concerns, you'll also find out how to be heard in conversation with a narcissist.

This book will help you learn to meet your own needs while side-stepping unproductive power struggles and senseless arguments with someone who is at the center of his or her own universe. This new edition also includes new chapters on dealing with narcissistic women, aggressive and abusive narcissists, strategies for safety, and the link between narcissism and sex addiction.

Finally, you'll learn how to set limits with your narcissist and when it's time to draw the line on unacceptable behavior.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Relationships, Audiobook, Health

224 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2008

About the author

Wendy T. Behary is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW).

Reviews

[Liz Henry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had decent advice, especially good at providing categories of abusive behavior and ways to answer them. I liked the bits of the book that advise the reader to remember their "sturdy self". Yay sturdy self!

I didn't really like the gender politics and had trouble with the idea that the book is helping people stay in miserable relationships. I get that sometimes you're going to relate with people like this, and they deserve compassion, but so many of the examples were to me of women living with flat out abusive men and then drawing a small line or asking for some concession that sounded so small and sad, like getting to sometimes go to the restaurant they choose or watch a tv show they choose, or like, begging for a drop of affection or attention. I think a much thicker book on Getting the Hell Out of the Path of a Narcissist would be nice...

[Polly Trout · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a useful book -- I'm just going to jot down here the things I want to be able to reference later before it goes back to the library:

Narcissistic Traits: self-absorbed, entitled, demeaning, demanding, distrustful, perfectionistic, snobbish, approval seeking, unempathetic, unremorseful, compulsive, addictive, emotionally detached

Note to self: if you get a crush on one of THOSE again, run. Run and hide.

Traits of "healthy narcissism," e.g., a healthy self: empathic, engaging, a leader, self possessed but not selfish, determined, assertive, good self-care

quoting from p. 33: "Jeffrey Young's schema therapy posits 18 early maladaptive schemas that show up in adulthood as dysfunctional life themes. They are also referred to as "buttons" or "life traps." The are considered early maladaptive schemas because they are derived from disquieting childhood and adolescent experiences where fundamental needs are not adequately met, thus interfering with healthy and stable development. Schemas are comprised of beliefs, or cognitions. They also involve emotional and bodily sensations, along with biological elements, such as temperament."

Here they are, the 18 schemas:

1. Abandonment/Instability -- I cannot rely on others for ongoing, stable emotional support.
2. Mistrust/abuse -- I cannot rely on others to protect me, even people I love might try to hurt me at any time.
3. Emotional deprivation -- I do not expect others to meet my emotional needs for nurturance and empathy.
4. Defectiveness/shame -- I am bad.
5. Social isolation/alienation -- I don't belong.
6. Dependence/incompetence -- I can't make it on my own.
7. Vulnerability to harm or illness -- exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time.
8. Enmeshment/undeveloped self -- nothing else matters compared to the euphoria of being lost in the embrace of the beloved other.
9. Failure -- I am a loser.
10. Entitlement/grandiosity -- I deserve better than other people because I am special.
11. Insufficient self-control/self-discipline -- poor impulse control to a destructive degree.
12. Subjugation -- excessive surrendering of control to others because you feel coerced -- usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment. There are 2 major forms: subjugation of needs and subjugation of emotions.
13. Self-sacrifice -- it is my responsibility to put my own needs last.
14. Approval seeking/recognition seeking -- look at me! look at me!
15. Negativity/pessimism -- life sucks.
16. Emotional inhibition -- inability to feel, articulate, and express emotion.
17. Unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness -- this includes perfectionism, rigid rules, and excessive preoccuption with time and effeciency
18. Punitiveness -- the belief that people should be harshly punished for making mistakes.

Behary argues that the narcissist and the person who loves him have a charged bond because they fire up each others schemas -- they push each others buttons in an addictive, crazy-making way. And that the way to fix this is to become mindfully aware of our schemas and stop punching our buttons the way you might compulsively pick at a scab or scratch a mosquito bite. Then we can stop reacting out of our pre-fabricated scripts and kneejerk reactions formed in childhood, but instead react out of our greater, kinder, more integrated self. When a button gets pushed, notice what is happening, and articulate it. Give yourself a time out if the emotion is too intense and overwhelming. Stay grounded in the present and differentiate it from the ghosts of the past, where the overwhelming emotion originates. Practice good self care, and respond from mindful awareness grounded in the present, not obsessive/compulsive patterns driven by subconscious schemas from the past.

Well, that's a meaty homework assignment. I'd better go get to work.

[Patty · Rating 2 out of 5]

You can't "disarm" a narcissist, so don't bother. I was disappointed in this book, I really was looking for ways to better relate to a narcissist, but instead it tells me to put myself in the (in one way or another) abused child of the narcissist, to empathize with them, truly put myself in their shoes. If they were in fact abused and I know what their particular abuse was then yes it would probably make me understand them better, but how to deal with them better, I don't think so. I happen to know a narcissist and he was in no way abused in his childhood, so not every narcissist is the result of a horrible childhood. Some people just have very difficult personality traits to deal with, or accept, because they are not going to change, they see absolutely no reason to change. A narcissist thinks it okay to be rude, dismissive, loud and a bully. I do think that at the heart of a narcissist their self-esteem somehow got all messed up and they are just constantly trying to place themselves in a position of a person with very high self esteem, but it just comes off desperate.

Thinking about childhood and how one remembers particular events - I have 3 sisters and we all have different feelings / emotions from the same events that happened in our childhood. What happens on one day will affect someone different than if the same thing happened on a different day, and we tend to remember the bad things much more easily than the good things. There is a book out currently that I have yet to read about living a year with gratitude, I think this is sort of how a childhood is, either you get stuck in all the bad memories or you can be grateful and get stuck in all the good memories. Obviously it isn't so cut an dry, but as an adult we do get to choose how we want to live and interact with others. A narcissist chooses too, they are not ignorant of their behavior, they just don't give a flip. One more thing - nature vs nurture - I believe we are born with a certain personality and then it get further developed by the events in our lives, do we have a happy disposition or an unhappy one - can we change that disposition by being aware and choosing a different behavior / thought / response - over time I think we can. Please in no way am I referring to people who were abused as children, my heart goes out to them and I hope they get all the help they can in life to live the best life they can.

[Kelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

First of all, the following excerpt should have been put at the beginning of the book because it is so important and not hidden 114 pages in.

"One important note: This approach [Putting Yourself in the Narcissist's Shoes] is inappropriate with anyone who makes you feel unsafe or abused. That's a completely different protocol, often requiring exit strategies and safety plans. If the narcissist in your life is violent, abusive, or threatens your safety in any way, please seek assistance immediately. If you don't know where to turn for help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (see Resources)."

From Resources:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ndvh.org; (800)799-7233, (800)787-3224(TTY)

As for my review, the first three chapters are full of a lot of important information that at first seemed confusing because it is full of psychological terminology. Chapter four is where everything starts coming together and the practical advice begins. I can see that highlighting and marking parts might be a useful tool for using this book as a reference since this is a continual process instead of a one-time fix.

Blessings to those of you living with a narcissist. Your road is difficult and I wish for you all the loving support you need to make it through.

[Dna · Rating 1 out of 5]

This deserves a half star or less.

I feel duped and wonder if Wendy Behary has actual, lifelong and personal experience with a malignant narcissist, or if she's just "book smart" and decided to write about dealing with NPDisordered individuals. She encourages the VICTIM of the narcissist to exorcise unrelenting compassion and to approach the narc with humanity.

If you've ever been in an intimate relationship with a narc, you know they are reprehensible, remorseless pieces of crap and do not deserve your time or your compassion. I've read far better books that give VICTIMS of narcs better tools to repair themselves and either break of contact or limit contact with the narcissist.

I recommend this book to people who want to continue self-punishing by engaging with these sick individuals.

Cheers.

[Malak aysh · Rating 3 out of 5]

قرأت هذا الكتاب بعد علاقة مؤذية وسامة مع شخص نرجسي ، بعد انتهاء العلاقة بسبب معرفتي التامة بنرجسيته أردت أن أعرف أسباب تكون هذه الشخصية البائسة وهذا الكتاب مفيد جداً في تفصيل الشخصية النرجسية وأسبابها وصفاتها . لكن الكاتبة مستفزة جداً خلال فصول الكتاب كلها تحدث ضحية النرجسي على أنه طبيب نفسي وأنه يجب عليه بذل كل ما يملكه لإصلاح العلاقة.
باختصار تريد الكاتبة مني أن أتعاطف مع النرجسي وأحاول إصلاحه ، عزيزتي أنا لست طبيبة نفسية ولا مصلحة اجتماعية. النرجسي يحول الحياة إلى جحيم لماذا علي بذل كل هذا المجهود من أجل أسوء شخصية على الإطلاق ؟؟ الحياة صعبة بما فيه الكفاية فلماذا أزيدها سوءًا بيدي . لا شكراً أخرجته من حياتي وكفى .

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous book. It helped me to understand what went on in my father's mind and my son's mind as well. Knowing who they are and how they got there has been so instrumental in how to handle my own reactions and hurt feelings. These are people without empathy, and lurking behind it all is having not been able to handle their own feelings of embarrassment and inadequance. I feel sad for them now instead of angry. My new understanding is...I love my family. I don't have to like them, but I do have to accept them the way they are and stop trying to change them.

[C · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some helpful cognitive therapy techniques, but I found the stories hard to relate to, and the focus on couples a little bit narrow.

[Miranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some notes -- not a review: There are some communication techniques in here that reminded me of things I learned in a facilitation class I once took. It seems to me that if you're dealing with someone who has NPD, learning how to communicate with them effectively should give you a wide range of communications skills for any difficult situation. The entire topic is treated with compassion, too, which I appreciated. Also, I did find the schema therapy information interesting.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the descriptive information on schemas very useful, but the rest of this book largely frustrating. I agree with the author's advice that I need to stay in the moment and not get lost in the past. What happens when the narcissist in your life is the same family member who created this schemas in the first place? I suppose the same rules still apply, they're just all the more frustrating.

I really did not like the examples used throughout the book. They completely missed some major traits of narcissists like denial and forgetfulness. These are major roadblocks to effective communication. For instance if I say, "I know you are just behaving this way because you're mother neglected you when you were young," he'll say "No she didn't." It is the denial of the truth that has got me in knots. What am I supposed to do with that?????

[Ken · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned that we all are narcissists, to one degree or another. A healthy narcissism is balanced between self-absorption, or possibly self-care and compassion for others. Working at striking that balance can be a life-long task.

As with many relationship issues, we all end up realizing that we aren't going to change someone else, we only have ourselves to change. It seems the schema study was aimed equally at the 'dealer with the narcissist' as much as the narcissist. The author goes deep into figuring out what makes a person's personality what it is, so you can better validate their feelings, so you can be heard and understood by someone who doesn't hear and understand much from others.

Even if you don't end up disarming your narcissist, you gain understanding and hopefully disconnect from any feelings of failing at dealing with your narcissist. You have compassion for the struggle we all have, when you realize they struggle as well, all appearances to the contrary.

[Kendra]

Something from the book that I found helpful:

"If your narcissist is a spoiled-dependent type, the implications for change are such that more emphasis will need to be placed on setting limits, as well as on enrolling in lessons in tolerating frustration. For the deprived-dependent type, you'll need to place more emphasis on ignoring boastful commentaries and instead pay attention to "ordinary" niceties and thoughtful gestures. Such people will also need to be held accountable for angry outbursts and be encountered to develop reflective self-regulating tools for calming overly reactive anger; establishing collaborative exit strategies, such as time-outs, will also be helpful. Of course, the causative factors and problematic behaviors will be unique to each individual, requiring a tailored approach. These issues and change strategies, as well as other interventions for change, will be elaborated on in later chapters."

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

More of a marriage/relationship manual that refers to the more difficult self-centered partner as a 'narcissist' than a set of tactics to deal with an actual pathological malignant personality disordered narcissist. A person with diagnosable NPD is unlikely to respond to a good talking-to as many of the examples in this book claim. These illustrated husbands may be jerks but they're not out of reach.

[YL · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hilariously bad.

As the title suggests, this book is directed towards people who are troubled by their interpersonal relationships with 'narcissists'. It seems that you would only buy this book after you've firmly decided that some 'narcissist' is a reoccuring figure in your life, and you must deal with him (btw, the author says 75% of narcissts are male).

So, you have a narcissist, and -- if you are at all like the author -- he probably makes you cry. You don't know what to do with yourself, because like, you're crying every half sentence he says. He only says brusque and nasty things, sort of like Hemingway perverted to only complain about your cooking.

Man.

So what do you do? Apparently, as the author tells in chapter 7 or whatever, you must simply empathize with him. Turn the other cheek. Remember the narcissist as a child! Here the author quotes wordsworth, 'My heart leaps up when I behold...the Child is the father of the man'. Because the child is the father of the man, you must see the child whenever you see the man, who is a narcissist. The child was probably a really sad kid, and if you just think about sad timmy sitting all alone at lunch, you won't hate the man so much anymore.

WoOooooooooo

[Mindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I started this book with high hopes, hoping to get some solid ideas regarding how to effectively handle narcissists---even had a notepad and pen at the ready. (I'd recently listened to an excellent interview on NPR with an expert on this subject; that talk was so good that I actually pulled into a parking lot to jot down some things they mentioned.) Unfortunately, this book droned on and on and on and on...like many a narcissist I know...and it just failed to make a compelling impression. And having Jo Anna Perrin read it was not a great choice. Her high-pitched tone sounds a bit preachy.

[johnny ♡ · Rating 1 out of 5]

my narcissist father doesn't deserve my empathy. not the book for me.

[John Kulm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really opened my eyes to what people have had to endure when it comes to my narcissistic behavior, and showed me that some of the conflict I've had with other people had to do with their narcissism - even stronger than my own!

The reviews on this book, posted by Goodreads members, are so good - with quotes and info on narcissism - I recommend the reviews as much as I recommend the book!

Narcissism is so intriguing, involving mood swings from feeling grandiose superiority and specialness, suddenly swinging downward into depression and inferiority. Here's a quote from the book:
"...her entitled and self-aggrandizing behavior is understandable to you because you're aware of the confusing messages she received as a child: One moment she was spoiled, and the next she was deprived and ignored."

[Tandie]

I think this would be a terrific book to read in front of your roommate or ex!

[Laura Finger · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was thrilled and a little bit relieved to win this in a Goodreads giveaway. I've recently ended a relationship with an overt maladaptive narcissist. Thanks to Behary, I learned how to put a name on what I'd been going through for the past year.

As part of my healing, I learned why I'd felt manipulated and ignored during our relationship. This was a blessing for me, because it's helped me move on.

But to be blunt, what I needed most was to learn what I was doing and allowing that caused me to be in a relationship with a narcissist in the first place. I really wanted to read the book to learn how to stop doing all the stupid stuff that I've been doing, and I really got help in that regard.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like Behary's approach to confronting narcissism wherever you may encounter it--from colleagues, co-workers, relations, associates, etc. She explains the roots of narcissism, why narcissistic behavior is so troubling, and helps the reader understand how to best address narcissistic behavior. She explains the need for empathy and compassion, but also champions readers to stand up for themselves and their rights and feelings. Very well written.

[Heatherk · Rating 4 out of 5]

I imagined this book to be a "How to Deal with the Assholes in your Life", and got it to serve that purpose. In fact, it made me look inside myself and figure out why the assholes bothered me so much. It also gave me tools to communicate with difficult people and not allow unacceptable behavior. I borrowed this book from the library but plan on purchasing a couple of copies. One for my husband and me, and one for another family member dealing with the same narcissist. I highly recommend this.

[Mary · Rating 1 out of 5]

Worthless

Run from this book! No truly practical info. You can 't
change a narcissist and you are just killing yourself and soul if you stay and think you can.
Get out! Leave! Too much emphasis on compassion for why they are this way. They are pure evil. Disappointed that the author would subject one to even more pain and hatred in hopes of "understanding" them. Rubbish!

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not only is this book not helpful, the advice is harmful. The example dialogues make think she has never met a narcissist before. The victim blaming and one sided compassion in this book make me sick. Carry around a picture of the narcissist as a child so you can feel bad for them when they are harming you? The examples of things to say in this book will get someone hurt

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly helpful. I flew through the beginning of this book and wished I could just implant all the knowledge. It will forever be on my reference self. I really connected with the schema identifiers, and found it very helpful.

[Wilme ("Vilmie") Steenekamp · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for both therapists and non-therapists. User friendly, to the point, lots of practical advice to apply. Coming from an angle of understanding and empathy for both the person with narcissistic behaviour traits as well as the codependant person.

[Jules · Rating 3 out of 5]

For reasons which remain an ongoing investigation between myself and my psychologist, I am continually compelled by narcissists: I’m drawn to them in my social life, and even worse, unwillingly thrust upon them in my professional life where I can’t escape unless I quit my job. Disarming the Narcissist is a good 101 into identifying a narcissist, figuring out it what makes them tick and why they trigger you specifically. Schema therapy doesn’t really resonate with me but this does provide a useful framework for understanding your narcissist and relationship to them.

My main issue with Disarming the Narcissist is that, like nearly every psychological intervention, it focusing on building one’s capacity to tolerate abuse or discomfort, rather than making one’s narcissist accountable. The basis of the strategies outlined involve immense effort and emotional labour on behalf of the narcissist’s victim, and I have a real problem with that.

[Corri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this because I was interested in what creates a narcissist. There was a lot of references to developmental psychology (such as Dan Seigel's whole brain child) and the impact of schemas that are established in childhood which I found fascinating. There is something in this for everyone, not just people with narcissists in their lives. Loads of tools for general conflict resolution and coping with the narcissistic tendencies of others as well as ourselves.

[Shannon Rosser · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a lot of books about narcissism, as I've had to deal with a pretty bad case with a relative. See me if you or anyone needs some of my collection...once you've absorbed what makes these disturbed people tick, you don't ever need a reminder. : )

[Zoe · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good book but I found the content hard to relate to.

[Bon Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

Choke full of practical advice. If you really apply yourself to try and test all the Narc-disarming techniques, you'll become something of a real walking talking specialist in the field.