Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment

by Steven Stosny

Betrayal has many faces, including anger, abuse, deceit, and infidelity. These feel like betrayal because they violate the implicit promise of emotional bonds, that your loved one will care about your wellbeing and never intentionally hurt you. If you've recently left a relationship where you felt betrayed by your partner―or if you want to repair one―it can seem impossible to view the world without the shadow of past betrayal hovering over you. As a result, you may struggle to create meaning in your life, find the strength to forgive, or build new, loving relationships.

In Living and Loving after Betrayal , therapist and relationship expert Steven Stosny offers effective tools for healing, based on his highly successful CompassionPower program. He founded the CompassionPower agency on the belief that we are more powerful when compassionate than when angry or aggressive, and that true strength comes from relating compassionately to others and remaining true to your deeper values. In this book, you’ll learn practical strategies for overcoming betrayal-induced trauma and the chronic resentment and depression that result, using this innovative compassion-empowerment approach.

Most books on betrayal only focus on the obvious issues, such as infidelity, abuse, or sex addiction. This book explores the effects of those kinds of betrayal, as well as less-talked-about types, such as emotional manipulation, dishonesty, deceit, and financial cheating. In addition, the book helps you regain a sense of trust in others so that you can eventually find another compassionate person to share your life with or, if you choose, to rebuild a relationship with your reformed betrayer.

Recovering from the betrayal of partner isn’t easy, but Living and Loving after Betrayal offers potent ways to heal, grow, and love again.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Nonfiction, Personal Growth, Love, Marriage

248 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is the founder of CompassionPower. His recent books are, Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain Under Any Kind of Stress, Living and Loving after Betrayal, How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love beyond Words, Love without Hurt, The Powerful Self, and Treating Attachment Abuse. He has treated over 6,000 clients for various forms of anger, abuse, and violence. He has appeared on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” “The Today Show,” “CBS Sunday Morning,” many CNN shows, and in the New York Times, Washington Post, U.S. News & World Report, WSJ, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, O, Psychology Today, USA Today. He has taught at the University of Maryland and at St. Mary’s College of Maryland. He currently has a blog on Psychologytoday.com with over 9 million views.

Reviews

[Desiree · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book on how to heal. Many others books I looked at focused to much you need to forgive the person who hurt you, like it would magically make things better, or he didn't mean it, it was just an addiction. This book focuses on YOU, not the person who hurt you.

[Alana · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a helpful read with a really valuable and important premise. However, if you have history of trauma, this book should be used in conjunction with professional help. I really like the idea of building a healing identity and investing in your core value as a path to healing. Some things I thought were lacking: 1) the traumatic nature of betrayal was inadequately dealt with 2) self-compassion is a vital part of the recommendations in this book but it was not fleshed out well 3) there is was not enough instruction on how to accept and tolerate vulnerable emotions (the author kept saying trying to access your core value but it seemed hollow after several repetitions). That being said I've gained something quite useful from reading this book and would recommend reading this while working with a professional. Betrayal is rarely something that can be worked through on your own.

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me and was initially very helpful in the first few months. As healing happened, though, I found myself turning to it less and less, which I guess is a good thing!

[Laurie Durbin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healing before forgiving

I loved the fact that the book said you needed to heal from the betrayal before you can move on with or without the relationship

[Chrisanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Caveat: it's not what you think. :)

So I picked this up because, lately, I've been sensing that the "younger generation" is struggling with feelings of betrayal. Oddly enough, the things that older adults see as transient-- organizations, government leaders, laws, etc-- the younger adults see as impermanent and the things that older adults were taught to think of as permanent, e.g. relationships, younger adults see as transient. Younger adults feel betrayed by "the establishment" but are okay, or talk like they're okay, when people and relationships dissolve.

I was hoping the book would give me some insight. It did. Sort of. But not really. Frankly, I'm not sure the how-to portion would work. I think there might be something better out there. But that is hard to know because there are so few books on betrayal period. This was the only one I found that was available to me. Someday when I have gobs of money I'll order them off of Amazon. By then, perhaps, the research will be better.

I really liked his points on trust (what it is and what it isn't). And I was pleasantly surprised that he even thought to bring up attachment theory---which, I suspect, has a deeper connection to the problem than he suspects.

[Adam · Rating 2 out of 5]

Yet another book I read hoping it would help me deal with my own personal situation, when written from the perspective with which it is, fails to resonate in the way I wished.

I had given up on moving on and given up on trusting anyway with my true self.
Then I met someone, someone special, and I gave myself a chance to trust. I explained in every way I thought possible why it was hard for me to trust. I was assured that all of the things that caused me to have issues with trust were understood and would not occur.
And then they did.

Maybe I’m just flailing, but I simply have lost any hope to trust again. The worst part about it is that I knew that if this particular relationship, in which I gave it one more shot, caused me to lose trust I would never regain it, and I said as much, yet I find myself in this position and nothing I can do, read, listen to or otherwise, seems able to fix it.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, perhaps trust is just not a commodity that can be found anymore. Which is what I thought going into this particular relationship, only to be repeatedly convinced I was wrong. Until I wasn’t.

[Chastidy Parks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a truly helpful and practical book. It is focused on intimate partner betrayal but is applicable if you’ve experienced betrayal in any part of life. Stosny shares the psychology of betrayal in a very readable fashion. He gives clear concepts for healing and even reconciliation and forgiveness.
If you’ve experienced a betrayal or want to help others in this area I’d really recommend this his book.

[drowningmermaid · Rating 4 out of 5]

- Sooo much horn-tooting about all the great shows he's been on and all the brilliant innovations only he has thought of. Pleh.

+ BUT he wound up winning me over about 2/3rds in once he really got into the process of recovery, which he has clearly put a lot of time into witnessing and developing cohesive recovery strategies. Not a marriage book but a good personal-growth book.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Received book from NetGalley for review.
This book addresses the many faces of betrayal in our lives. Very helpful and useful suggestions for moving on from the effects of betrayal. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to let go of the pain and resentment by creating a healing identity.

[Tori · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm a third of the way through this book and don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. I've highlighted some of the exercises to try again later but I feel like I should be getting something out of it at this point ... but alas 🤷‍♀️

[Alisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this to expand my skills in marital counseling. I really liked his other book,” Love Without Hurt,” but this one not as much. I would suggest reading chapters that you find useful and skipping the rest

[Ruth Baidya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Application across the wide spectrum of different types of betrayal

[Ruth Baker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical. So helpful. The exercises are easy, straight forward and genuinely have a positive impact.

[Heather Cadena · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook and went back a second time to do some of the work - writing and reflecting. This is worth buying and spending time on the practice portions.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this book 100 stars, I would.

[Abed Pablo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recovery is hard but there is hope after setting a path. 4/5

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great stuff in here. Could have been shorter though.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good exercises for how to deal with betrayal and learning to trust again

[Maryam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Words are therapeutically compassionate in the initial pages and offer insightfully fresh perspectives however the logical application for healing is not effectively nurturing

[Caleb Egolf · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reminders to discover the value of finding meaning and keeping it close to your heart.

[Bree]

DNF 22% it focuses more on infidelity and I couldn’t relate/ I usually just power through even if I can’t relate but times a ticking..

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best self-help books I've read. I'm going to purchase the hardcopy to re-read.

[Margot]

This book was very slow to get to the point (I never did, before it was due back at the library) and maybe just not for me. The pages that I read were all ephemeral and touchy-feely, with nothing concrete or actionable.

[Heidi E · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great homework exercises