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328 pages, Paperback
First published July 5, 2011
The prologue begins with some discouraging talk about unspecified people who have nine lives, and the worryingly ominous statement that “nothing in Rosewood is ever really over”. Not as long as the publisher is still signing the cheques anyway.
Our four privileged heroines are introduced holidaying in a Jamaican luxury paradise hotel, swimming in their designer bikinis and listening to “Redemption Song” played on steel drums, either to hint at the upcoming themes of enslavement and oppression or because it’s the only reggae song Sara Shepard knows. Although this prologue is for once not a flashback to events previously featured in the books we are still treated to many, many pages of plot reiteration, with the result that the whole section is more treading water than moving forward. Alison’s motives for her various crazy actions in the last few books are restated, but still remain a mystery to me. The girls are all aware that Alison “hated them with every ounce of her being”, even though her anger could surely be directed more logically toward her parents since it was they who accidentally shipped her to a mental institute twice even though she’s the “not-crazy” twin. Incidentally the phrase “not crazy” here means “crazy murderer”.
The developments which do occur are that Noel has been hanging around with Mike the sexist too much, regressing him to a level where the entirety of his conversation is merely rephrased demands for his girlfriend to take her clothes off. Hanna’s father is casually announced to be running for senate (Party not mentioned. I’m assuming Republican), Spencer is moaning about school and Emily keeps being sick, and is therefore probably pregnant. Then suddenly they all spot a girl with Freddy-Krueger-skin and an air of radiant beauty and confidence. It must be Ali! End of prologue.
Then onto the book proper, set 10 months later. Chapter 1 begins with someone shoving cheese into Spencer’s face, which is promising but sadly turns out to be a badly phrased description of serving hors-d’oeuvres rather than a vicious and messy assault. After this disappointment we are told that the girls are now no longer friends, since they are all vile bitches who can’t go 10 minute without turning on each other. Then the usual monotonous drone of brand-names begins. In amongst the white noise we pick up a few pieces of news: Melissa and Officer Wilden are now going out with each other, presumably because they were both left spare after the various deaths in the last cycle. This reminds me that we never cleared up who murdered Wilden’s Amish ex-girlfriend, to whom he was abusive. She wasn’t from Rosewood though, so nobody cares about her and her mysterious disappearance, least-of-all her ex. Meanwhile Melissa’s completely redoing her kitchen as a means of passing the time, and has used her rich-cow contacts to get Wilden a cushy job in a museum, since it’s closer to her “luxuriously renovated townhouse” and therefore more convenient for her. I sincerely hope she ends up trapped in a cupboard with a corpse again by the end of this book. She’s certainly asking for it. Also Spencer has got into Princeton because she gets everything she wants and both the Hastings parents have got new partners already, because no one is ever single in these books for more than 2 hours. And Wilden is curious about why Spencer and Emily are no longer friends, but cannot be told because the answer pertains to the Jamaica Incident (JI), which we the readers cannot hear about yet because it’s the thrilling finale reveal.
Meanwhile Emily is working as a coat check girl at her friend’s party, which no-one thinks is a bit off, and has quit the swim team for reasons we cannot hear about related to the JI. Which means, as stated in my previous review, that her only characteristic is her part-time lesbianism. With this is mind she immediately meets a new love interest who offers (roughly five minutes after they meet) to solve Emily’s problem of not having earned a university scholarship by simply getting Daddy to fix things, Daddy being a rich man who has bought favour with a university. It’s certainly nice to have influential friends. In other news Emily now had a “silky tassel” talisman, which sounds very peculiar but can’t be explained because of JI.
Hanna’s life is still mainly dull sibling rivalry, plus her father’s senate bid, an offer of a modelling contract and, of course, thinking about JI. Aria is not having sex with her boyfriend, which he is not taking well, although considering he’s the kind of boy who calls his girlfriend “woman” he was never likely to be the considerate type. We also learn that she never had sex with Ezra Fitz, which is news to me. Noel is distracted from his attempts at soliciting sex when he has to go and collect the new Finnish exchange student who will be staying with him, which he does whilst making many racist jests about Finnish culture which are limited only by the fact that he knows nothing about Finland, and in fact has it slightly confused with Holland. But it’s all Europe, so what’s the difference? Aria finds all this hilarious even though she lived in Iceland for 3 years and is supposedly cosmopolitan, but is horrified to find that the exchange student is a gorgeous Nordic blonde racial stereotype and is instantly aflame with jealousy. Aria is an awful person and her life is ridiculous. Also, don’t forget the JI.
Everything proceeds exactly as you would imagine. Spencer meets her mother’s new boyfriend Mr Pennythistle, who is inexplicably horrible to her without being questioned by her family, thus precipitating a sulk. Then she encounters a boy who meets her approval on the basis that “prepster was her favorite look.”, they bond over their love of sports, money and idiocy, he calls her hot, and then in a shocking twist he turns out to be Master Pennythistle! Hanna is disappointed in Mike for not being more sympathetic about her Daddy Issues, even though she is surely well aware that he has all the sensitivity of a copy of Nuts magazine. He also refuses to allow her to do any modelling, so she promptly dumps him. Again. I’m very much at a loss as to which of them is most vile. Emily continues to hang around with her new love interest Chloe, who totes her baby sister about the place presumably in order to make Emily feel guilty. Surprisingly Emily actually gets a storyline of her own, although it’s only the hand-me-down older-male-molester storyline that all the other girls have already had a turn with. This time the perpetrator is Chloe’s father, but it doesn’t really make much of a difference because the whole story always runs in exactly the same way, and is consistently irrelevant.
Meanwhile we are reminded almost constantly about the JI. There are also many mentions of the new PLL film, as well as repeated instances of people spotting Alison in the corner of their eye, in an old photograph, on TV etc., exactly as in every other book. The label-obsession steadily worsens, as we are told the brand names of candles and computer-game cars. We are also gradually drip-fed JI-related flashbacks, mainly regarding how everyone was immediately frightened of Tabitha the burnt girl, but how they non-the-less managed to split up and wander aimlessly about until each one of them had had an individual chance to meet up with her alone and be spooked by her doing nothing. Meanwhile the present-day plot-strand continues as usual, with vague threats from ‘A’#3 running alongside the standard individual plots. Mr. Roland’s harassment of Emily is made easier by the fact that Rosewood Day is quite happy to allow parents to videotape children to whom they are not related in their swimwear. Klaudia the exchange student makes friends with Aria, apparently because she’s the only person who doesn’t think of people from Finland as comedy caveman-Vikings. Spencer and her new boyfriend go to the Kahn’s Racist Finn-Welcoming Party and casually discuss how one of the women present is a predatory paedophile, but no one seems bothered about it. Hanna continues to be a narcissistic bitch, yet we are supposed to be worried about ‘A’#3’s potential threat to her irritatingly perfect life. Aria realises that like all girls in this series Klaudia is a man-hungry vacuum who wants to steal her boyfriend. Spencer’s new boyfriend turns out to be gay, which she immediately happily accepts, thereby rendering the storyline moot. Emily’s new girlfriend tells her that she used to have a sexual relationship with her teacher, which I’m pretty sure was Aria’s storyline first. Emily insists on droning on about Alison (technically Courtney) being the love of her life, even though they only actually knew each other as children. She also finally admits the baby thing, and immediately thereafter is sexually assaulted by Mr.Roland and blamed for the assault by ‘A’#3, the proximity of these events creating a very unpleasant atmosphere of judgement against Emily for her transgression in being impregnated. The actual fate of the baby is also left hanging, as Shepard would rather drone on about the blackmail business some more, even though ‘A’#3 has absolutely nothing to say.
After a lot of dullness Hanna’s photographer friend decides to blackmail her in return for some photographs of her with her bra very-slightly showing which would apparently ruin her dad’s campaign for senate if they got out. He also attempts to rape her for good measure, but this is quickly brushed aside. It’s hard to get particularly excited about this plot since all 4 of the girls already have a constant string of blackmailers after them throughout the series. Meanwhile Aria decides to sleep with her boyfriend to stop him cheating on her and Emily refrains from telling anyone about the adult male who sexually assaulted her in case she is somehow blamed. The sexual politics of this book leave summat to be desired, to be honest.
In other news, Spencer is delighted to have a gay friend since due to his sexual preferences he will be delighted to watch “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” with her and “argue over Robert Pattinson’s hotness”, surely a very brief argument? Then there’s a make-over sequence, after which Zach decides that he might not be gay after all. None of this constitutes an actual story. Also Chloe turns out to have had an alcohol problem in the past, although unlike most teens it relates to champagne rather than alcopops and cider, Hanna steals some money from her father’s campaign fund rather than selling any of her myriad luxury possessions, because she is a selfish idiot, and Aria screams and runs away at the sight of a naked girl, for what reason I do not know.
Whilst Spencer is occupied letting her step-brother-to-be use her body as a sexual test ground with which to determine his preferences Emily is once more sexually assaulted by the father of her new love-interest, who naturally catches them in the act and yet more naturally assumes that it’s Emily’s fault. Hanna is occupied with framing her dad’s assistant Jeremiah for the theft she committed, a cruelty he has earned by not liking her because she is a bitch. She is repaid for this almost immediately when TabAli apparently manages to trap her in a darkened lift using her hitherto-unmentioned electrician’s skills, sneak into said lift after disabling the emergency lighting and whisper vaguely sinister nonsense to her before escaping unseen. This makes no sense whatsoever. Meanwhile Aria finally recalls the exciting secret of JI – the girls pushed TabAli off a roof and presumed that they had killed her, although doubtless she will rise again as standard, especially since her body managed to dematerialise as soon as no eyes were upon it, in classic Michael Myers manner. I don’t know why this is supposed to be an exciting reveal as the girls all evidently believe TabAli is dead, and would had to have thought so for the current plot to make sense. Where else would they suppose her to be? It was obviously a shock to Aria though, as the mere memory of it causes her to push Klaudia off a ski-lift to her potential death. Luckily Klaudia had revealed herself seconds before to be an evil psychopathic manipulator, thereby validating Aria’s ridiculous jealousy and rendering herself a viable target for serious physical injury. I assume we’ll see her again by the end of the book, alive but in plaster.
As we near the end Spencer inflicts yet another ridiculous Alighost dream upon us, before getting tangled up in some histrionics involving the Pennythistle family and their over-reaction to Zach possibly being gay. Aria lies to her boyfriend about the accident with Klaudia. Hanna suddenly realises that they should just tell the police about everything, since all they’re guilty of is pushing a girl who’s known to be an insane stalker and murderer. Nobody actually tells the police. Emily contributes nowt, as usual. Then news conveniently comes in that a girl’s body has washed ashore in Jamaica. Is it Alison this time? Or perhaps another identical psychotic sibling whose corpse has ended up where she should be due to a chain of unbelievable and ill-planned events? No, it turns out that it’s merely Tabitha, an innocent girl with a tragic backstory whom our four Pretty Little Idiots mistook for Alison Reborn. Or wait…. Maybe it actually WAS Alison. No, no it wasn’t. Or was it? And if Alison is dead then who is ‘A’#3, the mysterious figure who knows all their secrets and has exactly the same writing style as both Alison and the long-forgotten Mona. There’s no point in me paying attention to anything the characters say, since they are entirely unreliable and totally ignorant. Similarly, there’s no point in me scouring the plot for clues, since Shepard is a stranger to foreshadowing and plot-structure and will no doubt pull the eventual answer out of nowhere 3 books from now. So I guess I’ll just plough on until she finally puts me out of my misery.
Most Racially Insensitive “Rich White Kid” Behaviour”
At a restaurant table in Jamaica:
“everyone clinked glasses and said “Yeah, mon!” in faux-Jamaican accents.”
she wrote her name in strange characters, folded origami shapes out of her spelling tests, and had the straightest, blackest hair Aria had ever seen.
“I bet Klaudia walks around the house naked 24/7. I heard Finns do that. They’re huge sex addicts, too—there’s nothing else to do there.”
“Ironically, Spencer was the only person in her family not dating”
“Jeremiah, Mr. Marin’s number-one campaign advisor—or, as Hanna liked to call him, his bitch boy”
“Mike gave his opinion by belching loudly during one of the takes. Hanna adored him for it.”
“He’d insisted on only eating at Burger King and paying for cans of Budweiser with U.S. dollars.”
“raw turnip ravioli”




