50 Shades of Gray Matter

The Swordsman #1

by Pat Connid

Book 1 Excerpt

Ultimately, I think it was the traffic that got to me.

To be blunt, zombies can't drive.

And, I live in Atlanta-- people here started off being really, really crappy drivers. And adding in the effects of ZBF [zombie bird flu]-- the blurred vision, inconsistent eye-hand coordination, and a cerebral cortex shriveled like Hitler's testicle on an Arctic expedition-- you've got a traffic jam that encircles the city, cuts through the city and clogs up most streets downtown.

Yet, while it was the 24/7 bumper-to-bumper traffic that put me over the edge, I have to admit, it's really the globe-wide traffic jams-- with undead motorists honking, growling, and giving whatever fingers that might be left to other zombie motorists-- that have allowed the few remaining uninfected to avoid, so far, being summarily attacked and eaten.

Many of them, the survivors, I understand, have gone to Canada.

Think of how that must frustrate the Canadian tourism industry to no end! All those print ads and broadcast campaigns about skiing and fresh air and "darn good fishing"?

What a waste! Turns out, they had it all wrong.

Here's your big winner: "Come to Canada. Zombies don't do winter."

So, then, what about those of us who are no longer pure human? We must ask ourselves, we who have begun "the turn," What's our future like?

Okay, there isn't one.

That's the thought that led me to a local pharmacy-- drunk and infected, already starting to turn, and seeking enough painkillers to punch my ticket for the way out. I was nearly undead and wanted to die.

But, it didn't turn out that way.

It didn't turn out that way at all.


* * *

The series was formally known as 50 SHADES OF GRAY MATTER but with continued and ongoing confusion, that title is now the the subtitle of this series.

Genres: Zombies, Romance

42 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 5, 2012

Reviews

[Annika Cleeve · Rating 1 out of 5]

What a load of crap.

[Jaci · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was the perfect read for purgatory in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Boners = LOL, that's just science.

[Felicia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This shit was pure entertainment. The writing, I've seen so many complain about, is spot on and made the book better. And to all the comments that have words in them like porn and naughty obviously didn't read this book, but if you did find this book pornish and naughty then you are one twisted fuck. In reality these people are just to stupid to see they are commenting on the wrong book.
If you want a quick hilarious read about zombies and boners this is it. Long live the General!

[Kane · Rating 1 out of 5]

SCARY BOOK DONT READ LOTS OF ICKY STUFF IM 5 YEARS OLD MY MUM GAVE IT TO ME AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT I SAT UP CRYING ALL NIGHT WHILE READING THIS BOOK

DONT BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Michelle Bibliovino · Rating 5 out of 5]

This first installation is ridiculously awesome. The story arc definitely needs the sequels, but then you should just consider this the first few chapters of a longer novel.

[Rosemary Cantrell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book completely took me by surprise. I ordered it on Kindle for my niece and then, downloaded it to my IPAD. The erotic nature was unexpected and very graphic; however, it created a nice fantasy for me.

[Vanya · Rating 2 out of 5]

Не смятам да продължавам с другите 2 - като оставим идеите за садистични изпълнения в леглото, които са ок, понеже всяка идея е ценна ;)) , трите дни, които ми отне първата част, ми се струват много и бих ги отделила за нещо по-струващо си.

[Zag Arnnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I`ve readed all the 3 books in a week, I couldn`t put the books done, brillant storylines and now can`t wait to see the film when it comes out x

[Sandra]

uhmmm, not finished -still have to start when I get it lol

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, I might not be proud to admit it, but sometimes women need to read a little "mommy" porn too. I thought it was a little shallow but then I wasn't expecting a literary masterpiece.

[Ann Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book and I can understand why women liked it. I read it mostly to see what the hoopla was about. I am not sure I will read the next two in the series.

[Jacqueline King · Rating 4 out of 5]

enjoyed this book

[Jerrod Gander · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not much plot. Juvenile story except for the sex

[Maureen Stefano · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read it because of all the hype. It was OK if you got past all the crazy parts.

[Libretto · Rating 1 out of 5]

Literal claptrap. Creepy.

[Julia Flaherty · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read it because everyone else in the world was reading it. I found it enlightening ,to say the least, but very bizarre.

[Kimberly Quinones]

Its a good book

[Belangela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very hilarious. what a good laugh! highly recommended! Warning there's no fine literature or deep philosophy just a good laugh

[Amanda Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

naughty naughty ;)

[Eme Zeta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book.
I did not expect that ending

[Recy Dunn]

GREAT book!

[Ando Manukyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

good thing

[Justin Bulson · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was so good i would read it a million times!!! #greatbook

[Weslie M · Rating 1 out of 5]

DO NOT RECCOMEND.

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

First novella, short story, in a series of five. Definitely worth a look!

[Carol Bergman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read this disturbing book of the relationship of a woman and her boss because it was popular. Never read the sequels

[NianBao*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥ · Rating 2 out of 5]

En su momento, me gustó..pero me niego a darle más de dos estrellas y eso que estoy siendo generosa. Así como hay que supervisarle el uso del internet a los menores de edad, igual con la lectura...

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny and its zombies what else could u ask for

[Gerlie]

fun

[William Stearns · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bossss like a bossssssssssssssssssss////////////////