Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings

by Judith Martin

The doyenne of American etiquette experts now turns her undivided attention to weddings. In her trademark witty, and authoritative way, Miss Manners gives advice that will make the big day more pleasant for one and all, including the bride. 15 line drawings.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Reference

208 pages, Hardcover

First published December 26, 1995

About the author

Judith Martin (née Perlman), better known by the pen name Miss Manners, is an American journalist, author, and etiquette authority.

Since 1978 she has written an advice column, which is distributed three times a week by United Features Syndicate and carried in more than 200 newspapers worldwide. In the column, she answers etiquette questions contributed by her readers and writes short essays on problems of manners, or clarifies the essential qualities of politeness.

Reviews

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

Miss Manners has gone musty. She appears to be stuck in a past century (not necessarily the last one) and vehemently sticks to rules of propriety that are realistically no longer feasible in this day and age. Take the response card for example, which she opposes because everyone should know to rsvp for a wedding. However, how many people would actually take the time to write a proper rsvp and put it in the mail in a timely manner? In this day of cell phones, blackberries, email, text messages, and the like, a list of numbers or email addresses would have to be included for a speedy rsvp, which I am sure would induce frowns on the part of Miss Manners, who presumably has never gone through a wedding of her own or she would go by the more appropriate Mrs. or Ms. While I do not think that the bar should be lowered when it comes to proper manners, I do that it should be cast in something less than steel. Even Martha Stewart seems to have a better grasp on reality when it comes to wedding etiquette, and her bar is probably covered with hand made lace doilies.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Miss Manners has both her fans and critics, but this book is a must-have resource for brides in the first camp.

The book was published in 1999, meaning that brides have been committing all sorts of internet sins in the absence of her guidence, but most of her instruction still rings true: only invite the amount of guests you can afford, handling family issues, etc.

She offers a bevy of advice, including examples, on various wording for wedding invitations. A helpful read for most brides.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very entertaining little book- it's not simply an etiquette book, but a series of anecdotes loosely arranged around the parts of a wedding.

I did learn quite a bit from this slim volume, but some of the real rules of etiquette, I fear, we will not be following. Response cards? Totally not necessary, in the world of etiquette. But I have a hard time seeing some people responding without them. I guess it's a sign of the times.

No matter! I am well warned against being a bridezilla, and am glad to have read it!

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I actually read a newer version entitled, Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, but that wasn't on goodreads.
This book caught my eye in the library and it was enlightening to read. I realized things I did wrong (I have never forgotten that I forgot to mail my thank you notes). I have also learned the importance of teaching manners, because so many things that are "necessities" for weddings are actually in poor taste.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been a fan of Miss Manners, the etiquette advice columnist, for some time. This entertaining and sometimes hilarious book (written in 1995) is still applicable today, and mixes short essays with re-prints of her advice to bemused brides, families, and guests. I enjoy her take on wedding etiquette, which debunks a lot of the supposed demands of wedding etiquette, such as matching bridesmaids dresses and multiple showers.

[Marnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book saved my sanity during a very stressful process. It seems everyone has advice for you when you are planning your wedding. This book served as a very good guide and allowed me to politely explain why I was doing things the way I had planned them; Miss Manners is highly regarded as a woman who knows her stuff.

[Magda · Rating 5 out of 5]

The monkey part gets me every time.

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

As a 2024 bride, I found this book to be extremely outdated. Many of her suggestions struck me as poor etiquette themselves (e.g. not providing guests with a means to RSVP and expecting them to come up with their own stationery and stamp to respond).

Miss Manners is very against spending $$$ on weddings and has certain viewpoints I had to reflect on for a couple days. This book made me feel terrible for inviting some of my colleagues to my big budget wedding but then I remembered how silly that was and that we are multifaceted beings who invite people to celebrate with us for bigger reasons than etiquette or to “show off” an expensive affair.

Other outdated viewpoints- multiple references that it is poor etiquette to have children outside of marriage (lol wtf) and taking a black and white approach to inviting family members (they must all be invited, period. Even if you have never met them or seen them in a decade).

I did agree with her stance on not having a registry, and avoiding gift grabbing or expecting guests to pay for their plates.

There has got to be a better wedding etiquette guide out there.

[Zahava · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was glorious! It's crazy to me that this book, copyrighted in 1995, felt like it could've been written yesterday the only thing it was missing were references to social media. It's simultaneously worrying and comforting that people have been asking the same questions about weddings since then and Miss Manners has been answering with dignified politeness but not without a dash of sass.

If you're planning a wedding or involved in one definitely read this for the catharsis and maybe for some answers to your own questions. Be warned, she might give you an answer you don't like, it'll be funny though!

[Eva Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted a mindless read for before bed and that’s what I got. I learned a little, and I found the writing style entertaining. It was especially interesting to read about what was considered proper and improper back when email was hardly even in existence. I wonder what Miss Manners would think of wedding websites and Pinterest weddings and all the things that are normalized nowadays. As expected, it was heteronormative and mostly focused on Christian traditions. Overall, I won’t be keeping it as a reference guide or anything, but it served its purpose.

[Catherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Miss Manners is amusing, as always, with her snarky admonitions… yet I am a bit disappointed that while this book is certainly instructive, I am left just as confused/unsure as ever when it comes to practical real-world wedding planning. If you are in need of a true bridal manual to answer your questions and guide you through doubts I suggest you look elsewhere. Moreover, readers should be advised that this author’s manner of speech can be hazardously contagious.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is primarily a collection of letters and responses on the subject of weddings from the Miss Manners advice column. I loved it. I have found myself tremendously overwhelmed and anxious planning my own wedding with my fiance and having this book, with its sensible advice couched in tongue-and-cheek delivery, helped me to find balance and humor in the process.

[Kara McCracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVE! Etiquette never goes out of style. Miss Manners brings a light-hearted, yet serious approach to all that encompasses a wedding.

[Purlewe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Last nite I went home and read more books. I am reading Miss Manner's Painfully Proper Weddings. I picked it up b'c when I saw the title I thought of Jackie. This book is SUCH a HOOT! I've been laughing my butt off and glad I picked it up. I might have to re-check it out before the wedding to get laughing about it again.

Right before bed, my new favorite was about a family we were refusing to come to the wedding b'c their MONKEY had not been invited. Yes, monkey. They are "training the monkey to help a parapelgic and take it with them everywhere. They were offended it wasn't invited. What should we do?" OMG I was rolling with laughter. She told them to treat the monkey like you treat uninvited children. Tell them you are sure their monkey behaves perfectly fine, but that you are afraid other people will bring their monkeys that are not perfectly behaved.

*snerk*

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

Miss Manners is kind of a snooty bitch. That said, this book was great for putting me to sleep and I enjoyed reading the outrageous letters from readers who felt they'd been slighted by brides and grooms, added by Miss Manners' outrage. I guess I violated some etiquette by sending response cards with my wedding invitation, but I am glad I now know bringing gifts to the reception is another etiquette violation.

[Brittany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very useful, especially the opening section, "Things the Bride Need Not Worry Her Pretty Head About." It seems to boil down to remaining calm, rational, and not acquisitive. Also, a very entertaining read aside!

[Whitney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Miss Manners, even if I don't 100% agree with her somewhat old-fashioned etiquette rules. She's hilarious and a bit condescending but she lets you in on the joke. I want to read all of her books!

[Olivia · Rating 2 out of 5]

That Miss Manners sure is a curmudgeon! This book is from like 1995...I found it at a used book store a few days after we got engaged, and thought I would check it out.

It's less of an "advice" book, per se, and more of a "making snide remarks at people you disapprove of" book.

[Richard · Rating 3 out of 5]

Miss Manners is delightfully terse in her replies to people who are a little confused about wedding etiquette. As someone who was more than a little confused about wedding etiquette, this was a big help for me.

[Kris Larson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Miss Manners wields her pen with wit and venom. Genius. Come for the biting retorts, stay for the monkey.

Also, wedding registries are tacky. There, we said it.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Miss Manners always makes me laugh. Plus, it feels great to smugly agree with her - until you don't and you have to get all defensive. No reply cards? Really?

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is pretty much exactly the same as Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.

[Devon · Rating 4 out of 5]

My go-to when I planned my wedding!