Miss Manners' Basic Training: The Right Thing to Say

by Judith Martin

Miss Manners hereby declares that "You look terrific -- did you have a facelift?" is not an acceptable compliment. For this and the other myriad rudeness that nowadays pass for consolation, congratulation and other forms of verbal communication, Miss Manners provides politely pointed comebacks, as well as the gracious and proper thing to say in any situation.

Miss Manners feels compelled to do so because saying the wrong thing -- whether in the name of originality, self-expression, honesty or instant empathy -- has become all too

To a Bereaved
"You must realize it's all for the best."

To a Newly Engaged
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

To a Pregnant
"You can still do something about it, you know."

The Right Thing to Say is a refresher course in etiquette as a second language, filled with the practical advice and sly humor that make Miss Manners such "good wicked fun, and helpful too" ( Cosmopolitan ). Including useful phrases for dealing with life's special occasions and mishaps, The Right Thing to Say explores the subtleties of saying "no," conducting a conversation without causing offense and the art of the apology when you do anyway.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Reference, Humor, Essays

192 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Judith Martin (née Perlman), better known by the pen name Miss Manners, is an American journalist, author, and etiquette authority.

Since 1978 she has written an advice column, which is distributed three times a week by United Features Syndicate and carried in more than 200 newspapers worldwide. In the column, she answers etiquette questions contributed by her readers and writes short essays on problems of manners, or clarifies the essential qualities of politeness.

Reviews

[ALLEN · Rating 4 out of 5]

For years, Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") has had the right thing to say in all matters of etiquette. This book isn't large (fewer than 200 pages, chapbook-sized trim), so even though it's hardbound, it isn't cheap to buy new. I wouldn't warn anyone against it, as her celebrated wit is well on display here (To an in-towner asked if her neighborhood is safe enough to visit, she recommends the comeback: "Don't worry, I won't hurt you".)

I still think the brand-new-to-Miss-Manners reader would have more fun -- if only because there's so much more bang for the buck -- in her big classics like MISS MANNERS' GUIDE TO EXCRUCIATINGLY CORRECT BEHAVIOR, MISS MANNERS' GUIDE TO DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY, and MISS MANNERS' GUIDE TO REARING PERFECT CHILDREN. But if you are always stuck for something to say, especially when put on the receiving end of others' rude intrusiveness, this is a great place to start, too. Bear in mind, though, that this book is now over 20 years old, and while most of Miss Manners' advice holds up beautifully, there are the occasional exceptions, such as the young man who simply couldn't bring himself to say "I'm gay and partnered" when asked if he was married.

[Kevin Cole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite her annoying style, it is this subject that I think Miss Manners reigns supreme. You may never enjoy a formal dinner party, but who doesn't find themselves in situations where you don't know what to say or are rendered speechless by others' rudeness--especially those who don't even know they're being rude.

[Tamara · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is not a piece of advice in this book (humourous though it may be) that is not common sense. I was hoping for a way to learn to say "No" to people - as though doing it politely might somehow make it easier for me - which was one of the chapters advertised on the book's dust jacket cover, but only found phrases tailored to individual situations (which I'm not actually convinced were sent in by readers, but rather written by the author, since her answers were so wonderfully tidy and the voice in both the letters and the responses was similar) that have no relevance, thus far, on my life.

However, it was witty and charming all the same, and for that it gets two stars.

[Jenn "JR" · Rating 3 out of 5]

A quick read and often very amusing - this is sort of a Miss Manners column plus - there is narrative content plus some illustrative letters to Miss Manners, with a focus on responses to different situations, often in bold text. I can't really remember reading Miss Manners' column as much as Dear Abby/Ann in my youth, and regretfully so - she has a wonderful dry sense of humor.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up somewhat jokingly for a book challenge, and ended up really learning a lot. I will never send another postcard in my life.

[Khanh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Judith Martin, writing as the ever-perceptive “Miss Manners,” has long established herself as one of the most distinctive voices in the realm of etiquette. Miss Manners’s Guide to the Right Thing to Say continues in this tradition, offering a compendium of conversational strategies designed to shepherd readers through awkward encounters, delicate exchanges, and the innumerable small crises of social interaction. The book organizes its counsel around common situations—grief, congratulations, invitations, rebukes, compliments, and everyday pleasantries—providing sample phrases that embody the author’s distinctive mix of politeness, precision, and wry humor.

As in her other works, Martin’s wit remains her strongest tool: the slyness of her humor undercuts what might otherwise be unbearably prim prescriptions. Even as she insists on courtesy, she does so with a wink, crafting responses that highlight both the absurdity and the necessity of social lubrication. Reading her counsel feels less like receiving a lecture in manners and more like being let in on the joke that etiquette itself can be a performance.

That said, my own experience of the book was more detached than with some of her other works. While I appreciated the humor, I found myself less invested in the central premise. The insistence on “the right thing to say” presupposes that such a thing exists universally, a notion with which I do not wholly agree. I am persuaded by the value of tact and honesty, but I resist the sugar-coating that etiquette often prescribes. For instance, Martin suggests incorporating “I’m sorry” and “thank you” even in circumstances where these phrases may not reflect genuine feeling. To me, the recitation of such niceties rings hollow; I am not inclined to offer thanks or apologies unless they are sincerely meant.

Thus, while the book is undeniably clever and sharply observed, my engagement faltered in the face of what I perceived as excessive politeness deployed primarily to soothe or deflect. The result was a reading experience that, though pleasant and amusing, did not resonate deeply with me. Still, Martin’s prose remains a delight, and her wit—dry, sly, and ever-so-slightly barbed—continues to elevate the genre of etiquette writing beyond mere instruction into the realm of social satire.

[Randy Garry · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes amusing, sometimes helpful, always well-mannered in teaching manners for speaking. If everyone observed the thoughtful manners prescribed in this book, civility would be at a much higher level.

[CHRISTINA PARKER · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you think Miss Manners is all about which fork to use, think again. (Although she will tell you about that, if asked.) If you think her approach to modern verbal communication would be all about being "nice" and letting people violate your boundaries, wrong again. In fact, she's at her best when she gives us ways to put rude, nosy people in their place in a classy way, without being rude in return. That's why I love her so much. That and her subtle, stealth humor. If I have any complaint, it's only that sometimes her sentences are so convoluted that I have to say "huh?" and read them again. I'm often afraid that readers without a degree in English won't understand her fully.

[Sheila Garry · Rating 4 out of 5]

A refreshing reminder of proper etiquette,done in Miss Manners sly humorous way. Some examples...

The response to thank you....is you’re welcome. Not: No problem, which implies that there was, in fact, a problem.

Topic: Unsolicited information...sometimes when I’m dining with other people they feel it’s their duty to inform me of how much fat/ cholesterol is on my plate. What should I say to them?
Miss Manners: Want some?

How to acknowledge curiosity without satisfying it: Thank you for taking an interest.

[Joy Pixley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can never get enough of Miss Manners! Some of the technology in this book is out of date, but Miss Manners' wit remains exactly as sharp as it needs to be, and her advice on how to treat people never stales. I enjoy reading the letters aloud to my boyfriend and we discuss what our answers would be before reading hers -- which are always better or at least more cleverly stated.

[Laura Steinert · Rating 5 out of 5]

As usual, it is comforting to read that other people are frustrated with rudeness--and with people who blurt out the wrong thing because they don't think before blurting. Not so comforting when Miss Manners points out my own blunders caused by lack of forethought. I promise to do better.

[Nancy Bandusky · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are some gems of etiquette included in this short book. The author's wisdom covers a wide range of topics from responding to rudeness to saying "no". While this reader found it tiring having most of the book written in letter/answer format, the author's replies often had some clever wit.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very charming and useful, despite being 21 years old!

[Esther]

Read for fun

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

What can I say? I have a weakness for Miss Manners. She is frequently insightful, usually interesting, and always entertaining. Unless one hates the entire idea of etiquette, I can think of no author better suited to educate and entertain one.

This little book focuses to a large extent on customary remarks ("Congratulations!", "I'm so sorry.") and how and why they are often kinder, more thoughtful, less painful, etc., etc. than whatever spontaneous utterances one might be inspired to produce in their stead. As with most of her books, she intersperses general discussion with letters to which she responded in her column; this one, however, feels as though it has fewer letters than most, and for me that's a positive trait, as she writes better than the majority of her correspondents.

[Clover · Rating 3 out of 5]

while I don't agree with everything Miss Manners has to say (I don't think it's rude when someone says "no problem" in response to "thank you". maybe it's a sign of the times but I'll just be glad if they say anything at all!) it was fun to read about how awful some people can be. Also being with other people sometimes requires knowing how to handle awkward situations- this book really helps with that.

take away: "oh really." (note the lack of question mark) is a good thing to say when someone is being stupidly rude

[GM Hayes-McCloskey · Rating 5 out of 5]

The conversational, informative tone made the book easy to read. Most of all, Miss Manners a.k.a. Mrs. Judith Martin's book is entertaining. I enjoyed reading it, and kept it from the library for 2 months, retouching my etiquette and observing the good/bad manners of others. I recommend this book to all people, of any age, to learn from and enjoy.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I do enjoy Miss Manners' books, and this one was no exception. She presented variety of useful responses for politely extracting oneself from all sorts of ettiquette quandries. The only disappointment? I would love a copy of this book for my personal library, and it appears to be out of print. I shall have to scour secondhand bookshops.

[Luisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, kill-them-with kindness ideas for how to handle most situations. I would have liked it more if the readers' questions sections weren't quite so large, because many of their dilemmas are irrelevant for me. But overall, a good guide.

[Jenne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Miss Manners is the master of the freezing reply to a left-handed compliment. She is also hilarious.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Miss Manners is always good for a laugh.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

One can always use a refresher on etiquette & manners.

[Triscia Smallman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Humorous. Informative. Empowering.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice, but dated in language.

[Richard Cytowic · Rating 3 out of 5]

Judith Martin continues in top form. Funny, witty, erudite—an always on note. You could do worse than this practical primer.

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was hilarious! Judith Martin is witty and clever in her writing. This book was a quick read and was a lot of fun!

[Jenna R · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was amusing and informative. I plan to read more from the series.

[Gello]

I find her enormously entertaining, and I also generally like her suggestions!

[Judy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read !