The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After Introverts in Love (Paperback) - Common

by Sophia Dembling

From the author of The Introvert’s Way, a friendly and accessible guide to dating and relationships for introverts. Love is tricky for everyone--and different personality types can face their own unique problems. Now the author of The Introvert’s Way offers a guide to romance that takes you through the frequently outgoing world of dating, courting, and relationships, helping you navigate issues that are particular to introverts, from making conversation at parties to the challenges of dating an extrovert.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Personal Development, Love

Paperback

First published January 6, 2015

Reviews

[Moryah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I received this book in a goodreads giveaway. Being a single introvert I was excited to read this. However, I did not learn anything in this book. I think that the main problem for me was that the author seemed to have shyness confused with introversion. This two things often go together but, not always. It also seemed to me that she presented potential problems in a relationship but did not really give any strategy for dealing with these potential problems. The overwhelming theme of the book seemed to be that everyone has different levels of need for human interaction and that is okay. I am guessing that if someone already knows they are an introvert this book will not be helpful.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a single introvert, but I am not currently looking for love, and the reason I read this book was because I thought it would be interesting and would give me some good ideas for my fictional characters. The book was theoretical and experience-based, filled with introvert's anecdotes, and was not scientific or precise, so if you're looking for something more academic, this is not the answer. This book is intended for people who want practical help and encouragement for how to find a love interest when you'd rather stay home on the couch than go mingle at a party.

This was an easy read, with short chapters and ideas broken into manageable portions. Because much of the information is distributed categorically, it is often repetitive. While that may be helpful to reinforce the information for some readers, it bothered me. However, on the positive side, if you're curious about just a few topics and you don't want to read the whole book, it's possible to just read the parts you need, because the book does not build on itself.

Overall, the book has some good thoughts, and points out areas of potential conflict for introvert/introvert and introvert/extrovert pairs. Even though I have never been in a romantic relationship, I could relate to a lot of this from platonic friendships, and it was helpful to think through some of the concepts in an orderly way instead of talking circles in my head. The book offers a few practical solutions for some of the relational issues that arise from personality combinations, but for the most part, it just lays out the main ways a potential problem could develop, and leaves you to think through it on your own. This might bother some readers who really want practical ideas, but I thought the vagueness was respectful, because it acknowledged the complexity of human personalities and relationships, and didn't pretend to have any easy fix for problems. It is different for everybody.

I enjoyed this quick and easy read, and although I would not highly recommend it, I think it could be helpful and encouraging for the right audience.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this book had been around when I was in my dating years. It's chock full of so much wisdom, and it was extremely validating to read about how it feels to approach relationships from an introvert perspective. Sophia knows introverts! I found myself both laughing out loud and nodding my head in agreement so many times. And even though I'm now happily married, I still found myself inspired by the advice and stories... because really, even if we're married, shouldn't we still be dating and courting our spouse?

I especially loved the stories shared by people she interviewed, woven in with her own stories and advice from renowned experts. The scope of the book was impressive as well. The three big sections include ways to discover who you want to be in relationship with (introvert or extrovert, as well as other variables); the early stages of meeting, dating and connecting; and finally, dating and building a long-term relationship.

Whether you're an introvert looking for love or looking to keep the love you have, this is a great book.

(Disclosure: I received an advance review copy of the book and am one of the introverts Sophia interviewed. This review has been posted voluntarily and without any external influence!)

[Karisa Musolf · Rating 2 out of 5]

I know the author had really good intentions, but this book is pointless! I learned absolutely nothing new about being single, dating, or on being an introvert. I think one of the main problems is that she is confusing introversion and being shy! I found it strange that she never really defines what she means by introversion/extroversion, which leads me to think that she doesn't fully have a grasp on it. I don't know entirely what I was hoping or expecting to get out of this book, but considering that I got nothing, I'm a bit disappointed.

[Erfan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I should have read this book earlier. It's not magical, even quite normal on the contrary. However, what is written is something that feels very familiar, and it gives the impression that I'm not alone, after all.

[Breana Bittner · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Extroverts sparkle, introverts glow. Extroverts are fireworks, introverts are a fire in the hearth. Extroverts attract people who like razzle dazzle, introverts attract people who want to bask in your warmth."

"There's something inherently annoying about talking to most people. It's obvious when they aren't really listening and responding, but just waiting for you to stop talking. There's a reason I don't talk much; it usually feels like a waste."

"An introvert understands that it's possible to just plain run out of words, and when that happens, silence is golden, necessary, and a honkin' big relief."

"ah, the mixed tape. The mating call of the introvert."

[Gina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I received this book as a first read. It provided a nice list of pros and cons of introverts dating other introverts vs extroverts. It also provided tips for introverts to meet new people or what sorts of dates might be better than others or tips for bowing out of social events. Nothing was terribly earth shattering in this read and it could've easily been trimmed down into a magazine article.

[Jil · Rating 2 out of 5]

Helaas een tegenvaller, las vooral veel hetzelfde, weinig vernieuwends en heel boek hierover werd daardoor te veel en had ook in een artikel gekund.

[Ifrah · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone in a relationship with an introvert, this book was really eye-opening. Some of the scenarios and problems described were so similar to my situation, it's like she knew me.

I definitely feel like I understand him a bit better.

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was okay. Seeing that I had read about five of the six books cited throughout the book, it was a tad repetitive. Or, I'm in rut. Time to switch to enneagram analysis! Ha.

[J · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one book that I chose to go with since we are juggling some pretty interesting introvert/extrovert problems in our own relationship. As such I was hoping for some nice tips on that, how dating really is perceived by other introverts and how to cope in a world where finding a significant other is like trying to find another person in the Amazonia jungle.

Instead I found that so far as the book goes we have already reached pretty much the same resolutions although privately filtered to our own relationship and that the book pretty much just repeated what I have found out in my own many years of dating. If you take out the words introvert or extrovert for the most part and relaxed the focus then this becomes a pretty good introductory dating book for those who just may be learning how to fish the sea.

The writing itself was repetitive in a sense and a bit on the dull side but at least I was able to read it much faster than her original introvert book, which was its own blessing. Otherwise again if you aren't just starting to date then this won't be a book for you....

[Jenna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ihan mukava tietokirja introverteista ja heidän rakkauselämästään ja sen löytämisestä. Löysin paljon samaistumiskohtia. Aika ajoin ärsyynnyin ekstroverttien liiasta stereotypioimisesta, kuinka he "viihtyvät ihmisten seurassa jatkuvasti" ja "mitä enemmän ihmisiä, sen parempi". Olen aika varma, että eivät ekstrovertitkaan ihmisiä ihan joka päivä jaksa nähdä tai kommunikoida heidän kanssaan, ainakaan minkään ison joukkion kanssa. 3,5 tähteä.

[Seana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I am not fully an introvert, I am kinda dating one and I’d like to understand him better. This was a simple, quick read that helped me get it more.

[Michael · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not really read this book all the way through, mainly cause I knew where it was going. Although I appreciate the author advice concerning love life for introverts but I think this should have been included in Dembling previous book. A brand new book for a different topic such for love was a waste of time, it just seemed like the author wanted to just elaborate on what she already did. Just from the opening pages, obviously we are all individuals and introverts or extroverts think differently about love.

Birds of a feather flock together or choose something like you? That all depends on the person, it is not like introverts or extroverts are two different species. Rather it is their personality that defines then as people, nothing more or less.

I just felt that this book was unnecessary but I applauded the author intentions.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked it. I read these primarily because my husband is a fairly strong introvert, and I am a extrovert who has moved more toward introversion as I've gotten older. It is a very helpful book for introverts, and it did open my eyes to some ways I could be more sensitive to/ and or understanding of my spouse's introvert quirks, and innate gifts and strengths. I made me, frankly, appreciate him and those like him more...

Thanks Sophia.

[Aleasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just flipped through this one. The majority of the advice is things I've pretty much figured out on my own through many years of being an introvert but it would probably benefit a younger teen audience just beginning to find themselves in the dating scene/identify themselves.
My favorite part was the quote that Extroverts sparkle and introverts glow.

[Nichole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the only books I've read where I actually wanted to highlight parts of it. I found myself smiling at some descriptions and laughing ruefully at others that I didn't realize described me to a T. All in all it was a wonderful book and very eye opening. I know I'll need an extrovert in my life, but now I have a good idea on how to make that relationship work :)

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I think introverts struggle in most of their relationships with extroverts, romantic and otherwise, and I can appreciate that the book was relatable for introverts who “cherish solitude and crave togetherness,” I didn’t feel that the author provided many suggestions for practical application in dealing with such struggles.

[Sherri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this and thinking about how it applied to my relationship.

One of my favorite quotes: "ah yes, the mix tape. The mating call of the introvert. I've made and received many."
So funny, so true!

[Allison Bartley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has helped me feel normal. now I realize I'm not a freak and I can find love, I've just have been looking in all the wrong places!

[Megan Glemza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hmmmm...makes sense.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative. Easy-to-read. Painfully close to home. But good.

[Emkoshka · Rating 3 out of 5]

I expected to enjoy this a lot more than I did, but unfortunately I found it repetitive and annoying and it brought up all sorts of grumpy memories of my time dating an extrovert this year: he never shut up, was incapable of active listening, and was more inclined to booze away the night at a cocktail bar with 20 friends than take in a symphony orchestra concert or sit quietly and read. Not the greatest match for me, I realise now.

This book was useful though in making me reflect on the enigmatic mystery of introversion. I am definitely an introvert, very happy with my own company and quiet solo pursuits like reading and walking, but I find myself inextricably drawn to work in industries that are extremely people focused: the arts, tourism, social work, teaching. Surprisingly, a lot of my fellow teachers have 'confessed' to introversion too; I find it so remarkable that we can hold court in front of a classroom despite our general reticence around people.

I've also just spent the past 15 months travelling the world as a volunteer, something that no ordinary introvert would do given the need to be outgoing and proactive and confident in constantly engaging with strangers, and so I do often question the extent to which I am introverted. The other volunteer at my current placement is so reserved and self-contained that he makes me look like a raging extrovert in comparison!

So I think introversion is something that is conditional on context; in social circumstances where I'm surrounded by noisy people, I'm quiet. It's just too much effort to make myself heard. But in situations where everyone else is quiet, I take charge and become the social butterfly. So if nothing else, this book has shown me that I'm an adaptable introvert. And that I shouldn't date guys who talk too much. ;)

[Kristie J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a fairly strong introvert and most of my life I've felt like something is wrong with me. I've called myself anti-social, a homebody, or shy and other people have described me as one of "the quiet ones." So, when I read this book, it was so refreshing to realize that I'm not weird or abnormal, I'm just an introvert! Many of the author's descriptions of introvert behaviors really hit home with me, like how she and other introverts deal with conflict, socialize at parties, enjoy traveling alone, or have a basic need to unwind in solitude.

This book is partially geared toward introverts dating and finding a mate and partially about introverts in relationships. One criticism I have of the book is that a lot of the advice about finding a mate says to bring a friend if you don't feel comfortable going alone. I feel like this advice is much more suited to younger people, in their teens, college, or twenties, rather than older singles. Once you hit your thirties, many of your friends are married and even having kids and it's hard for an introvert to find friends to go with to events, parties, etc. That's the problem -- finding friends to go with you in the first place. I also feel like she glossed over online dating too much--it's the introvert's best friend. That's how I met my introverted husband.

Overall, this is a great book for anyone who feels they are introverted to read. Most dating/relationship books don't recognize the introvert/extrovert dynamic and for a lot of us that's a key factor in our relationships.

[D. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would recommend this book...

...to introverts or anyone who would like to get inside the mind of one. In terms of advice, most of it is is common sense but what is common sense to one person may not be to another. I thought Dembling did a good job of laying out thought processes, explaining how they develop, and why they are sometimes good and sometimes bad. With respect to the latter, she provides a clear understanding why an introvert may want to consider changing some of their relational behaviors but she does not really explain how for the most part. Still though, I liked the book because as an introvert, it's nice to read that what you are thinking isn't as uncommon as you may personally believe. I read Susan Cain's 'Quiet' which is a lot more analytical than this book but 'Introverts In Love' uses first person stories to layout arguments which provided for a more personal experience and allows readers (at least this one) to better identify and appreciate the message.

I am not sure this book will change anyone's life dramatically but it will certainly bring comfort to many out there.

[AJ · Rating 1 out of 5]

You’d think that a book on introvert would define introversion and extroversion correctly. Introverts gain their energy from being alone while extroverts gain their energy from spending time with others. The book does not mention this once. In fact, it categorizes introverts as quiet, demurred, bookworms that are socially awkward, and categorizes extroverts as people that drive around neighborhoods looking for people to talk to. Sooo off base. It even suggests “hiding in the bathroom during parties” as a way to deal in social situations. Such terrible advice. SHYNESS IS NOT INTROVERSION.

Sometimes I wonder how people can write such wacky, awful books and become successful. I honestly couldn’t even finish the book and i usually finish my books 99% of the time. I had to skim it because the information was so basic and based on lots of assumptions. It seems like the author ran out of ideas by the end and just kept repeating herself. This book was BS and I can’t believe I wasted an hour of my life pretending to read this crap.

[Kim Galt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provides an excellent opportunity to understand how introverts and extroverts approach relationships differently (spoiler: one way isn’t necessarily better than the other, just good in different ways). As an extrovert, I sought out this book as a way of looking for insider information, so to speak. I was seeking to understand and respect how introverts function in a relationship so that I could understand and support an introvert I care deeply about. I wish I had read it sooner. Part three is full of good and practical advice, and could be especially helpful for equipping these differing types to not only coexist but flourish as an introvert/extrovert duo. If you are an introvert who is or has ever been in or would like to ever be in an intimate relationship, I highly recommend this book. If you are an extrovert in a relationship with an introvert, stop what you are doing and read this now.

I also enjoyed The Introvert’s Way, another book by this author, which provided useful insight on how to accept and love introverts just as they are.

[Lina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being a single introvert, who isn't actively looking for love but open to it anyway, this book really opened my eyes on some issues like being more active in my social life and overall more open to opportunities.

I can get "people-weary" quite fast and it makes it difficult to meet new people or even go out with my own friends, the author encourages you to go out of your comfort zone at your own pace (which is great!). Looking for a romantic partner doesn't mean having to sacrifice your introversion or having to "fake it", which I hadn't thought about before. Also it talks about relationships with introverts alike and extroverts, giving a basic roundup of the possible interactions and some conflicts that might arise during the relationship.

So overall, this is a good book. Not spectacular or eye opener but good.

[Karen McCamant · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an extroverted person, I read this quick little book to help me understand and navigate my increasingly serious relationship with an introverted guy, and I did find value in it.

However, as others have noted, I found the author’s at times “all this way vs all that way” descriptions of complex individuals, as well as her apparent confusion about shyness as analogous to introversion, very frustrating.

Still, I did like her emphasizing that we need each other, and that we are able to have balance when we’re together. I also felt she made it clear that introverts can and do enjoy deep, meaningful relationships, often with extroverts.

Lastly, even with the disclaimer to extroverts that “you won’t find your voice in this book,” does anyone really want to be referred to as a “yaketty yakker?”

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be very helpful. I definitely saw myself in the descriptions of introverts and how they think and feel. Some of what was talked about were things I have heard before, such as going to places where the type of person you would want to date might be. A lot of it was new information. For example, I never considered before whether I would want to date an introvert or an extrovert and what exactly that would mean. I recommend this to introverts, whether or not you’re looking for a romantic relationship, because it really helped me to understand myself better.