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Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy
Screw Everyone is comedian Ophira Eisenberg’s wisecracking account of how she spent most of her life saying "yes" to everything —and everyone— and how that attitude ultimately helped her overcome her phobia of commitment.
Skeptical about long-term relationships, Eisenberg approached dating as a sort of research experiment from early on: she spent her twenties traveling from futon to futon and gathering data, figuring that one day she’d put it all together somehow and build her own perfect Frankenmate. When she met a guy who didn’t fall for the emotionally cavalier facade she’d constructed (a guy who wanted marriage and monogamy), she knew it was time to reevaluate.
From her first kiss to saying "I do," Screw Everyone is an honest, hilarious chronicle of how one woman discovered herself, conquered her fears, and even found the "real thing" —one promiscuous encounter at a time.
Skeptical about long-term relationships, Eisenberg approached dating as a sort of research experiment from early on: she spent her twenties traveling from futon to futon and gathering data, figuring that one day she’d put it all together somehow and build her own perfect Frankenmate. When she met a guy who didn’t fall for the emotionally cavalier facade she’d constructed (a guy who wanted marriage and monogamy), she knew it was time to reevaluate.
From her first kiss to saying "I do," Screw Everyone is an honest, hilarious chronicle of how one woman discovered herself, conquered her fears, and even found the "real thing" —one promiscuous encounter at a time.
288 pages, Paperback
First published March 26, 2013
22 people are currently reading
1620 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 133 reviews
May 31, 2013
I guess I was expecting a comedy book instead of a straight memoir with some humor involved. She has an authentic voice and writes well, but it goes back to the young chick lit genre: the reader doesn't really see her learn much from her mistakes. We don't see her grow as much as a person as one would expect in a memoir that begins from teendom to marriage.
March 24, 2013
In interest of full disclosure, I'll say first that Ophira's my client---I'm her literary agent. By way of saying what I love about her work and her book, I thought I'd say a bit about what attracted me to Lady O in the first place.
I started working with Ophira after seeing her perform on-stage with the Moth, the live storytelling group (also recommended!). I thought she was hilarious, as did my husband, who said, "You should track her down and ask her to do a book." I was intrigued, in part because my husband's book ideas usually involve things like the CIA or wars in countries I've barely heard of. In other words, if my serious-minded husband thought this lady was funny, and I also thought she was funny, I knew Ophira was a rare find.
When we met in person, we instantly started trading dating stories, and I loved that Ophira was honest about her many (many) experiences without ever devolving into bitterness or self-pity. She never apologized for having had so much experience between the sheets or for having gone through lots and lots of men before she met her husband. Instead, she was so funny about the whole thing, so open and celebratory and even wise. All that time dating didn't make her damaged or bitter (which is how it usually works in rom coms). It made her really smart, and it also helped Ophira appreciate the real thing when it came along. As you can guess, that conversation gave birth to the book.
The stories in the book are genuinely hilarious (I read it at work and it's the most I've ever laughed while at my desk), but also so refreshing and relatable. I got married in my thirties, lots of my female friends aren't married and don't necessarily plan to, and I feel we're surrounded by stories about women who are looking for love and are therefore desperate or demanding or just crazy. We're told to play hard to get, or to settle, to make a bee line to the altar or not to worry so much. All the advice kinda sucks (and IS crazy-making), and Ophira's genius is that she threw it out the window. The result is a happy ending as well as a madcap journey. I'm so glad she decided to share it.
I started working with Ophira after seeing her perform on-stage with the Moth, the live storytelling group (also recommended!). I thought she was hilarious, as did my husband, who said, "You should track her down and ask her to do a book." I was intrigued, in part because my husband's book ideas usually involve things like the CIA or wars in countries I've barely heard of. In other words, if my serious-minded husband thought this lady was funny, and I also thought she was funny, I knew Ophira was a rare find.
When we met in person, we instantly started trading dating stories, and I loved that Ophira was honest about her many (many) experiences without ever devolving into bitterness or self-pity. She never apologized for having had so much experience between the sheets or for having gone through lots and lots of men before she met her husband. Instead, she was so funny about the whole thing, so open and celebratory and even wise. All that time dating didn't make her damaged or bitter (which is how it usually works in rom coms). It made her really smart, and it also helped Ophira appreciate the real thing when it came along. As you can guess, that conversation gave birth to the book.
The stories in the book are genuinely hilarious (I read it at work and it's the most I've ever laughed while at my desk), but also so refreshing and relatable. I got married in my thirties, lots of my female friends aren't married and don't necessarily plan to, and I feel we're surrounded by stories about women who are looking for love and are therefore desperate or demanding or just crazy. We're told to play hard to get, or to settle, to make a bee line to the altar or not to worry so much. All the advice kinda sucks (and IS crazy-making), and Ophira's genius is that she threw it out the window. The result is a happy ending as well as a madcap journey. I'm so glad she decided to share it.
March 5, 2013
Note: I received this ARC for free in exchange for an honest review. It will be published on March 26, 2013 for you reading pleasure
Screw Everyone is, hands down, the funniest book I've read this year, I was chuckling before I was even 2 pages in. I was worried at first that this would be yet another "woe-is-me" self-deprecating story told by a successful, beautiful celebrity. Or a cliche tale of how life will only start being in control once you settled down and find the right man.
To my great pleasure, this was not the case at all. Ophira is the real-girl's Chelsea Handler. Her story felt honest, raw and uncomfortably familiar in many regards. A real girl, making real decisions that often left her feeling awkward or even more determined than before. This story wasn't coated with name-dropping or a wink-and-a-nudge about how she became successful thanks to the power of connections. It was coated with Lady Scout booty call badges, blind albino sex, intelligence, empowerment of women to not feel slut-shamed - mixed in with a bottle of Grey Goose, the story of a scar and a forever changed image of Garfield and Otis.
In the words of Eisenberg: "I had no idea how few steps there were between an ostrich feather and a butt plug"
Other favorite quotes:
"Good talk is like seduction"
"If we were going to role play, it would be Elizabethan-themed and involve iambic pentameter"
"There was no need to stop to take photos. A vacation with an STD in the back seat is a fast one
Screw Everyone is, hands down, the funniest book I've read this year, I was chuckling before I was even 2 pages in. I was worried at first that this would be yet another "woe-is-me" self-deprecating story told by a successful, beautiful celebrity. Or a cliche tale of how life will only start being in control once you settled down and find the right man.
To my great pleasure, this was not the case at all. Ophira is the real-girl's Chelsea Handler. Her story felt honest, raw and uncomfortably familiar in many regards. A real girl, making real decisions that often left her feeling awkward or even more determined than before. This story wasn't coated with name-dropping or a wink-and-a-nudge about how she became successful thanks to the power of connections. It was coated with Lady Scout booty call badges, blind albino sex, intelligence, empowerment of women to not feel slut-shamed - mixed in with a bottle of Grey Goose, the story of a scar and a forever changed image of Garfield and Otis.
In the words of Eisenberg: "I had no idea how few steps there were between an ostrich feather and a butt plug"
Other favorite quotes:
"Good talk is like seduction"
"If we were going to role play, it would be Elizabethan-themed and involve iambic pentameter"
"There was no need to stop to take photos. A vacation with an STD in the back seat is a fast one
June 1, 2021
Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy by Ophira Eisenberg is a delightfully funny memoir. It is very real life meets Sex and the City. The memoir starts when Ophira is in seventh grade in Calgary, Canada . During this school year she experiences her first boyfriend and her first kiss. As her life progresses, so does her sexual experiences. From her “almost” first time to her actual first time, to the many, many, many times after that.
Ophira doesn’t hide the fact that she has been around the block once or twice, not only in Canada where she grew up, but also in New York where she officially starts her comic career. After she graduates from high school, Ophira decides to take a year-long trip to Australia. She then bounces from one part of Canada to the next trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. She goes to college, in Quebec, Canada, and receives her degree in Anthropology, all while pining for her older ex-boyfriend and working on her "fieldwork," which is basically just a fancy word for sleeping with a few more guys so that she could forget about her ex.
After graduating and working many dead-end jobs in Vancouver, Canada, Ophira realizes it’s time to do something drastic and takes a stand up comedian class and an acting class. Finally done with Canada, she moves to New York with only $600 to her name. Along her journey throughout Canada and New York Ophira dates all sorts of guys: a few musicians, a pastry chef, a movie critic, a Garfield enthusiast, and so on and so on. Ophira wasn’t about to settle for just anyone; she even tells her final suitor that she never, ever wanted to get married.
I saw Ophira Eisenberg on TV a few weeks ago on a late night talk show to promote her book. She did a few minutes of her stand up routine and I was actually laughing out loud, at the gym, on the elliptical. I actually had to look around to see if anyone was near me and could hear me. As I turned back to watch the rest of the segment, I kept repeating the book’s name over and over to myself so that I wouldn’t forget to look it up when I got home. I just had to read it.
Ophira had me laughing on almost every single page; a few times I had to hush myself because my husband had already fallen asleep. The best part of many of the stories was that they actually happened. No one can make this stuff up; she seriously got herself into some hilarious situations. Ohira made her life sound hard, and in reality, everyone's life is hard; not every day is going to be rainbows and happiness. She made a point to say that growing up is lonely and confusing, which I totally agree with. She also made me think that trying to be a stand-up comedian is harder than becoming a writer. At least as a writer, you don’t have to see your reader’s reactions. As a comedian, you are out there, on the stage, all alone, staring your audience in the face.
I won’t spoil it for anyone, but I loved the end of the book. I’m not going to lie, I teared up a bit a certain sentimental moment. Who would have thought that even a comedian’s memoir could make me cry? I feel like I now know Ophira through her stories and her flat-out honesty. She did not hold anything back. She put herself out there by sharing the most intimate details of her life without any shame what-so-ever and it made me laugh so hard, I even cried.
Laugh your way through life when Ophira Eisenberg's memoir Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy hits the shelves on March 26, 2013.
I was given an ARC e-book of this book in return for an honest review.
Ophira doesn’t hide the fact that she has been around the block once or twice, not only in Canada where she grew up, but also in New York where she officially starts her comic career. After she graduates from high school, Ophira decides to take a year-long trip to Australia. She then bounces from one part of Canada to the next trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. She goes to college, in Quebec, Canada, and receives her degree in Anthropology, all while pining for her older ex-boyfriend and working on her "fieldwork," which is basically just a fancy word for sleeping with a few more guys so that she could forget about her ex.
After graduating and working many dead-end jobs in Vancouver, Canada, Ophira realizes it’s time to do something drastic and takes a stand up comedian class and an acting class. Finally done with Canada, she moves to New York with only $600 to her name. Along her journey throughout Canada and New York Ophira dates all sorts of guys: a few musicians, a pastry chef, a movie critic, a Garfield enthusiast, and so on and so on. Ophira wasn’t about to settle for just anyone; she even tells her final suitor that she never, ever wanted to get married.
I saw Ophira Eisenberg on TV a few weeks ago on a late night talk show to promote her book. She did a few minutes of her stand up routine and I was actually laughing out loud, at the gym, on the elliptical. I actually had to look around to see if anyone was near me and could hear me. As I turned back to watch the rest of the segment, I kept repeating the book’s name over and over to myself so that I wouldn’t forget to look it up when I got home. I just had to read it.
Ophira had me laughing on almost every single page; a few times I had to hush myself because my husband had already fallen asleep. The best part of many of the stories was that they actually happened. No one can make this stuff up; she seriously got herself into some hilarious situations. Ohira made her life sound hard, and in reality, everyone's life is hard; not every day is going to be rainbows and happiness. She made a point to say that growing up is lonely and confusing, which I totally agree with. She also made me think that trying to be a stand-up comedian is harder than becoming a writer. At least as a writer, you don’t have to see your reader’s reactions. As a comedian, you are out there, on the stage, all alone, staring your audience in the face.
I won’t spoil it for anyone, but I loved the end of the book. I’m not going to lie, I teared up a bit a certain sentimental moment. Who would have thought that even a comedian’s memoir could make me cry? I feel like I now know Ophira through her stories and her flat-out honesty. She did not hold anything back. She put herself out there by sharing the most intimate details of her life without any shame what-so-ever and it made me laugh so hard, I even cried.
Laugh your way through life when Ophira Eisenberg's memoir Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy hits the shelves on March 26, 2013.
I was given an ARC e-book of this book in return for an honest review.
March 27, 2014
I was delighted to learn that the host of one of my favorite NPR shows, Ask Me Another, had written a book. Then I read said book. This was one of the worst books I've read in the last 12 months...and that's saying a lot because I've read some stinkers recently. There were pockets of humor but for the most part you're reading about how a woman with abysmally low self esteem tried to gain self worth through sex. It ain't funny...it ain't compelling...it ain't liberating. It's just sad and makes me want a hot shower. I applaud that she learned something by her decades of sleeping around but I have no idea why anyone would want to commit this to paper. Even more unforgivable is the lazy storytelling style and the "I'm obviously trying to be funny! Please laugh, please laugh, please laugh" desperation of the narrative. I would give it no stars if I could.
April 15, 2020
Another stand up “COMEDIENNE” autobiography for me.
This one had a twist because it was a timeline of the author’a dating line in parallel with her work, which I liked. She was quite funny in recounting even the most goriest memories and I loved how open and relentless she was, both in experiencing and again in sharing her experiences.
And the title is a revealing happy end spoiler so you have nothing to lose in reading this book, only laughs to gain.
This one had a twist because it was a timeline of the author’a dating line in parallel with her work, which I liked. She was quite funny in recounting even the most goriest memories and I loved how open and relentless she was, both in experiencing and again in sharing her experiences.
And the title is a revealing happy end spoiler so you have nothing to lose in reading this book, only laughs to gain.
January 31, 2016
In a way, this book is funny, but only because she's a good writer. The material is "who cares?" I think for a comic memoir to work, the reader either has to care about the topic or the person it happened to. The topic is just sex and relationships, big deal...and she doesn't give you much of herself to care about.
May 1, 2013
There are plenty of solid laughs to be found in this book. I wish there had been a few more, but it's gotta be pretty damn hard to stay funny for 200+ pages. Screw Everyone is breezy and entertaining--perfect for when you want casual bedtime reading.
June 11, 2014
Ugh. How many times do I have to borrow a "comic memoir" from the library to realize that I don't like them and they're never really that funny?
January 7, 2023
Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to
June 25, 2014
I was interested by the copy on the back cover that promised she “approached dating like a science experiment”; she was gathering data to figure out who was her perfect match. The joke here is 1. she didn’t screw that many people, and 2. there’s almost no description of sex. Just a very neurotic woman who started off desperate for relationship, clinging to men long after the relationship was over, who then grew bitter when she couldn’t make a relationship work and ended up in her 30s drinking a lot and grabbing sex here and there. And it seems a lot of the sex was what she called “making out”—e.g. she talked about some bar where she’d pick guys up all the time, but she never left with them. The sex she did have was when she’d trade sex for a ride, or for drinks when she was broke. All of this history got used in her comedy routine, and evidently some people find it funny, but I can’t say I found any of it funny. She never talked about what she liked about sex, she never mentioned what she liked to do with men. The title and blurb on the back cover were obviously written by the PR department at the publisher. She did not approach dating like a science experiment. She started off pitiful and clingy and ended up jaded and exploitative. There's no sense of any personal growth. Not my idea of a model for young women. Then of course it has a happy ending with her marrying the perfect man (probably wouldn’t have been published without a happy ending). The only good part was when they decided to skip the big wedding and got married at City Hall secretly and didn’t tell anyone for a year.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 27, 2017
"Internet dating sites should stop asking people to sell the best version of themselves and instead prompt everyone to post their most unflattering photo and list their worst qualities. Is mean to waiters? Pass. Has unresolved anger issues? Who doesn't? Is stockpiling weapons in a secret location in case the Republicans don't win the next election? Sounds like a hobby that might get in the way. Is in love with his sister? Not my favorite, but dealable." pgs. 231-232
Wasn't as funny or original as I had hoped. But a breeze to read when you want to shut out Trump madness. This bit was funny though; "What the hell did that mean? One day in the future he'd finally feel comfortable enough to break out his collection of barnyard sex tapes? No, it couldn't just be porn. It had to be way worse-like a collection of ex-girlfriends' severed heads. And that would be horrifying if they were prettier than me." 230
Wasn't as funny or original as I had hoped. But a breeze to read when you want to shut out Trump madness. This bit was funny though; "What the hell did that mean? One day in the future he'd finally feel comfortable enough to break out his collection of barnyard sex tapes? No, it couldn't just be porn. It had to be way worse-like a collection of ex-girlfriends' severed heads. And that would be horrifying if they were prettier than me." 230
May 23, 2013
Hilarious. I love this book-- it's the reading equivalent of bantering about your love life over drinks with an old friend...
She's got the comic timing of stand-up, but the stories and anecdotes never feel like they exist just as a set-up for a punchline, which sometimes happens with books by comedians-- Bossypants was an example of that for me.
I laughed myself sick during the Raleigh chapter-- that alone is worth the price of admission.
She's got the comic timing of stand-up, but the stories and anecdotes never feel like they exist just as a set-up for a punchline, which sometimes happens with books by comedians-- Bossypants was an example of that for me.
I laughed myself sick during the Raleigh chapter-- that alone is worth the price of admission.
July 7, 2013
While this book had some entertainment value, it is very similar to another book I read last year. Many people have very similar experiences yet I guess it is the secret voyeur in us that makes us want to read them. I doubt that I will read any more that are similar. Been there, done that meaning if you've read one the rest are the same with the names and locales different.
November 12, 2015
It was an entertaining read but it was mostly her journey to finding the perfect man. Which I was slightly disappointed by; her story isn't particularly unusual or special, but it was told in a mildly entertaining way.
January 30, 2013
This was hilarious. That is all.
March 27, 2013
Find my review here: http://www.thewhynottblog.com/book-re...
July 19, 2013
Perhaps, I expected too much comedy.
March 4, 2015
3.5 stars. Not as funny as it sounds, more disturbing than anything but still interesting. Being single in NYC sounds horrible.
February 27, 2020
I’m glad I met you
In radio, Ophira,
And not through this book.
In radio, Ophira,
And not through this book.
June 27, 2020
This book was so fun! My only disappointment was that it was such a quick read. Ophira is a hoot and it was the perfect antidote to life as we know it at this moment.
June 14, 2014
Screw everyone, something I've said in my head many times, being a rebel at heart, but have never actually done. Guess I am more chicken than rebel when it comes to my genitals and STDs. Not Ophira Eisenberg though. In what started out as an experiment to "get rid of her virginity" as soon as she could, Eisenberg recounts schtupping her way across Canada and New York City in the hilarious book "Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way To Monogamy."
For you more modest readers, rest assured the title is more graphic than the coital contents inside. This is not porn disguised as a memoir. But it is a raucous romp through Eisenberg's revolving door of roommates, wacky jobs between comedy gigs, home-away-from-home dive bars, and sex-capades as she tries NOT to find "the one." She is a trooper, too, going back for more after her first sexual encounter with a "Top Gun" Goose-lookalike on a bathroom counter she recalls as being "two minutes long and kind of annoying." (I would have gotten rid of my virginity in a flash had a Maverick-lookalike come along for me! When "Top Gun" came out I saw it in the theater at least ten times and left titillated and moist every time!!) Then after her three-chord guitar strumming boyfriend who was hot in bed but had an even hotter temper, Eisenberg meets Michael, the one she thinks might be "the one" even though she doesn't want one. Turns out he is the one who can't accept her tryst with a Brit while she spent a year down under and he waited for her faithfully. Boo-hoo and bye-bye Michael. If you feel like a slut anyway, might as well be the biggest, best slut you can, right?!
So Eisenberg really ramps up her sex-as-an-escape life post-Michael, having Canadian encounters Mickey (aka Mr. Anal Beads); Gene, with the smallest penis ever (he told her so himself); and Roger, the nice guy she nearly moved in with but fled to NYC instead. In the Big Apple, Eisenberg hopes to find a better quality of men under the tutelage of the clickety-clack gals, so named for the sound their heels made on the pavement. Even with their advice on how to handle New York men that are demanding and fickle and the necessity of being Brazilian waxed -- which for the half-Israeli Eisenberg lasts about 40 minutes -- the sexual pickings Ophira finds are even worse than in Canada. Take, for instance, the on-again off-again coke guy with the on-again off-again girlfriend, er, wife; the Dark Pony bar back with the best pot EVER that nearly got Ophira arrested and killed in her sleep by his psycho bitch waitress girlfriend; and Mr. "Thanks for the blow job but don't expect anything in return." Who wouldn't give up after those guys??
Not Eisenberg. She keeps sleeping on and eventually meets "Bright Eyes," whom she thinks she might actually like. Only he won't go out with her because a) he can't date a girl that a friend of his already went out with (even though Ophira only went out with his friend by mistake as she thought the dude texting her for a date WAS Bright Eyes), and b) he isn't into actresses. "Um, I'm a comedian, not an actress," she finally convinces him, and he gives in to try a date. After spending most of her time and energy on sex-perimenting, morphing to a long-term relationship doesn't come easy for Eisenberg, but it sure is funny reading about her getting there. As you might have guessed from the title, there is a happy ending, but I'll let you find out for yourself.
Read "Screw Everyone" while lazing by the pool this summer, and I bet you will meet someone new who stops to ask what you're laughing out loud about!
For you more modest readers, rest assured the title is more graphic than the coital contents inside. This is not porn disguised as a memoir. But it is a raucous romp through Eisenberg's revolving door of roommates, wacky jobs between comedy gigs, home-away-from-home dive bars, and sex-capades as she tries NOT to find "the one." She is a trooper, too, going back for more after her first sexual encounter with a "Top Gun" Goose-lookalike on a bathroom counter she recalls as being "two minutes long and kind of annoying." (I would have gotten rid of my virginity in a flash had a Maverick-lookalike come along for me! When "Top Gun" came out I saw it in the theater at least ten times and left titillated and moist every time!!) Then after her three-chord guitar strumming boyfriend who was hot in bed but had an even hotter temper, Eisenberg meets Michael, the one she thinks might be "the one" even though she doesn't want one. Turns out he is the one who can't accept her tryst with a Brit while she spent a year down under and he waited for her faithfully. Boo-hoo and bye-bye Michael. If you feel like a slut anyway, might as well be the biggest, best slut you can, right?!
So Eisenberg really ramps up her sex-as-an-escape life post-Michael, having Canadian encounters Mickey (aka Mr. Anal Beads); Gene, with the smallest penis ever (he told her so himself); and Roger, the nice guy she nearly moved in with but fled to NYC instead. In the Big Apple, Eisenberg hopes to find a better quality of men under the tutelage of the clickety-clack gals, so named for the sound their heels made on the pavement. Even with their advice on how to handle New York men that are demanding and fickle and the necessity of being Brazilian waxed -- which for the half-Israeli Eisenberg lasts about 40 minutes -- the sexual pickings Ophira finds are even worse than in Canada. Take, for instance, the on-again off-again coke guy with the on-again off-again girlfriend, er, wife; the Dark Pony bar back with the best pot EVER that nearly got Ophira arrested and killed in her sleep by his psycho bitch waitress girlfriend; and Mr. "Thanks for the blow job but don't expect anything in return." Who wouldn't give up after those guys??
Not Eisenberg. She keeps sleeping on and eventually meets "Bright Eyes," whom she thinks she might actually like. Only he won't go out with her because a) he can't date a girl that a friend of his already went out with (even though Ophira only went out with his friend by mistake as she thought the dude texting her for a date WAS Bright Eyes), and b) he isn't into actresses. "Um, I'm a comedian, not an actress," she finally convinces him, and he gives in to try a date. After spending most of her time and energy on sex-perimenting, morphing to a long-term relationship doesn't come easy for Eisenberg, but it sure is funny reading about her getting there. As you might have guessed from the title, there is a happy ending, but I'll let you find out for yourself.
Read "Screw Everyone" while lazing by the pool this summer, and I bet you will meet someone new who stops to ask what you're laughing out loud about!
September 17, 2015
If I told you I was reading a memoir by an NPR personality who hosts a tame gameshow, and I asked you to guess the book’s title, you’d probably venture suggestions like, I don’t know... The Road to Character, This I Believe, or Life Among the Lutherans. But no. Ophira Eisenberg may have a prototypical NPR name, but she hardly has the stereotypical NPR personal history, as evidenced by her memoir’s actual title, Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way to Monogamy.
It’s not as hyperbolic as it seems. I tried tracking how many sexual interludes Eisenberg has over the course of the book, but I lost count after a dozen—and that only includes the men she describes sleeping with. It leaves out a couple half-hearted trysts with women; it ignores her trips to first, second, or third base, counting only the homeruns. And it bypasses hints that there are many one-night-stands with men who didn’t even warrant a pseudonym.
In other words, if I were the sort of person to pass judgment on others’ sex lives, the verdict would be pretty clear here. Eisenberg’s “offenses” are many; her acts are premeditated and she shows no remorse.
The narrative is chronological, and it starts early in her life: halfway through high school she successfully plots to lose her virginity, though the success is anticlimactic in every sense. She’s keeps up the pace from there, taking whatever action she can get both in and out of relationships as she heads to college and gets her first few jobs. But what starts out as an adventure, a light-hearted quest for pleasure, takes on a new tone through her twenties. By the time she hits thirty, her modus operandi is to assuage boredom and loneliness by scoping out men in bars, and the excitement of sex warps into something ominous: “I was desperate for connection, even if it was fraying, tenuous, or located in Queens. Like a junkie, when my narcotic of choice wasn’t available, I took what I could get” (204).
No, I don’t judge adults who engage in consensual sex, whatever the form or frequency. But by the book’s midpoint I was downright anxious for Eisenberg’s well-being, cringing every time her distaste for the word “no” leads her not just back to the bedroom but to bathrooms to drop acid or to lounges to smoke gravity bongs. The drugs aren’t typically to her liking, but alcohol certainly is; sexual conquest and substance abuse eventually go hand-in-hand.
In case this sounds like a book’s worth of tabloid-level trash—drama recounted to satisfy a taste for schadenfreude—let me assure you: Screw Everyone is not a list of raunchy encounters and naughty behavior. It’s not even titillating. Funny as it is (and her voice is bitingly funny throughout), the humor is aware of its own growing darkness. What else would we expect from a woman whose background is in stand-up comedy? This book isn’t exactly about sex, it’s about Eisenberg’s halting development into a self-respecting adult over the years. Like any memoir, it’s an examination of the self. Eisenberg just happens to examine herself through the lens of her extensive sexual history.
When it comes to recounting that history, she doesn’t brag and she doesn’t apologize. It is what it is, dear reader—sometimes thrilling, sometimes depressing, take it or leave it. But even if you’re more judgmental then I am, or as distressed by her alcoholism as I was, do still allow yourself to laugh along the way, because Eisenberg is terribly witty. And clearly she writes this book with the intention not to bring us down but to entertain us. Are we not entertained?
It’s not as hyperbolic as it seems. I tried tracking how many sexual interludes Eisenberg has over the course of the book, but I lost count after a dozen—and that only includes the men she describes sleeping with. It leaves out a couple half-hearted trysts with women; it ignores her trips to first, second, or third base, counting only the homeruns. And it bypasses hints that there are many one-night-stands with men who didn’t even warrant a pseudonym.
In other words, if I were the sort of person to pass judgment on others’ sex lives, the verdict would be pretty clear here. Eisenberg’s “offenses” are many; her acts are premeditated and she shows no remorse.
The narrative is chronological, and it starts early in her life: halfway through high school she successfully plots to lose her virginity, though the success is anticlimactic in every sense. She’s keeps up the pace from there, taking whatever action she can get both in and out of relationships as she heads to college and gets her first few jobs. But what starts out as an adventure, a light-hearted quest for pleasure, takes on a new tone through her twenties. By the time she hits thirty, her modus operandi is to assuage boredom and loneliness by scoping out men in bars, and the excitement of sex warps into something ominous: “I was desperate for connection, even if it was fraying, tenuous, or located in Queens. Like a junkie, when my narcotic of choice wasn’t available, I took what I could get” (204).
No, I don’t judge adults who engage in consensual sex, whatever the form or frequency. But by the book’s midpoint I was downright anxious for Eisenberg’s well-being, cringing every time her distaste for the word “no” leads her not just back to the bedroom but to bathrooms to drop acid or to lounges to smoke gravity bongs. The drugs aren’t typically to her liking, but alcohol certainly is; sexual conquest and substance abuse eventually go hand-in-hand.
In case this sounds like a book’s worth of tabloid-level trash—drama recounted to satisfy a taste for schadenfreude—let me assure you: Screw Everyone is not a list of raunchy encounters and naughty behavior. It’s not even titillating. Funny as it is (and her voice is bitingly funny throughout), the humor is aware of its own growing darkness. What else would we expect from a woman whose background is in stand-up comedy? This book isn’t exactly about sex, it’s about Eisenberg’s halting development into a self-respecting adult over the years. Like any memoir, it’s an examination of the self. Eisenberg just happens to examine herself through the lens of her extensive sexual history.
When it comes to recounting that history, she doesn’t brag and she doesn’t apologize. It is what it is, dear reader—sometimes thrilling, sometimes depressing, take it or leave it. But even if you’re more judgmental then I am, or as distressed by her alcoholism as I was, do still allow yourself to laugh along the way, because Eisenberg is terribly witty. And clearly she writes this book with the intention not to bring us down but to entertain us. Are we not entertained?
August 4, 2018
I really enjoyed reading this. I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of life and if I should do the whole random hookup thing. I don't think this book pushed me in one direction or the other, but it gave me valuable insight into what that experience is like. That's my favorite part of reading: being transported into other peoples lived experiences, walking a mile in their shoes.
There were parts of her story that sounded very much like my own life, for instance het highschool boyfriend who was crazy, her extreme lonliness at times and need for company, her go with the flow attitide, propensity for attracting danger, need to feel an adrenaline rush, her college major (i loved all the anthropology jokes!!!!!), her lasting dislike for marriage as an institution. However she had several personality traits that i do not have, that are essential to living the life she has. She couldn't be a comedian if she gave a shit what everyone thought. She was very direct, and really had this ability to push past all of the bullshit in her head.
Its fascinating to read BECAUSE shes so different than i am. And put in the same situations my reactions would be so drastically different. Personality is fascinating.
I did find her story compelling and funny. I hardly put the book down.
The story about the dude she dated while in Australia literally had me gasping out loud at the twist ending to the first part.
The garfeild guy is honestly what my idea is a worst nightmare is. THAT is why i havent hooked up with anyone. So creepy!
I also really adored the 1000 cranes thing! I used to have a blog named 1000 paper cranes. If someone did that for me I would melt forever, it was so perfect.
I also was really attached to how she didn't tell anyone at all in her life that she was married for a full year, what an amazingly fun secret to keep! That is so nicole!
Reflecting on my life though... So many of the hookups she had were because she was sad, or lonely, or desperate for human company... And in the end she had a lot of (what I would consider) negative encounters and that made her braver/shaped her into who she was, but it aisi naar her more skeptical and guarded.
My life is crazy enough as is. I can tell adventurous stories about my adrenaline highs that don't need to include sex. In fact, I prefer that they don't. For her, it was something that she really wanted to do from the beginning and had no doubts or regrets about.
I have nights where I'm just lonely and want some kind of human contact, but im also aware that (being the kind of person I am) the only thing that would satisfy that is having (what I consider) to be a good, deep, in depth conversation with someone. And i dont need to sleep with them to do that. I can talk to anyone. But its also true that it's easy easier for me to get attention from men.
Im just not good at laughing off my mess ups or misfortunes like the author is. I honestly wouldnt have known what to do with garfeild guy, that is a level too fucked up for me. And I would have been so angry after enduring that kind of objectificstion, I wound have just left. I could NOT have forced myself to sleep there. I don't want to put myself into situations where I could potentially run into something like that.
So why haven't I banged more people? I know theres lots of just normal people around, i have the social skills to do it, i can separate the emotional and physical, I'm not looking for anything serious, and i don't give a shit about how many people I end up sleeping with, i dont have to worry about pregnancy, and stds are usually easily fixable... So why not?
I honestly don't know.
I'm picky, but even that's not a good excuse because im a student in a huge touristy city. I could grab some guy that'll leave tomorrow, or a drugged up stranger at a club, or a rando online. And you hardly ever get axe murdered in europe despite all the hostel movies.
And its not like i NEED the sexual/physical spark because god knows ive slept with people i didn't find attractive before or have chemistry with
So why not?
Honestly, its a lot of effort for something I'll only marginally enjoy. I mean, i love sex, but i imagine sex with a stranger is usually uncoordinated and if you're drunk you won't remember it well. Plus i think I'd feel self conscious the whole time.
Its just not very me. But part of me wants to try this role on for size.
When I was a kid, i always imagined being that kind of girl, the one who could get any guy and didn't care about any of them. She tosses men aside the way you might old clothes you don't like anymore. And wears red lipstick and is confident. The idea feels so powerful and free. Ive sort of adopted this role from time to time just without the sex. I've charmed men, manipulated men into doing what I wanted, strung them along for my own benefit, dropped them when i was bored... Just without any of the physical perks.
And i partially want to know what it feels like to really wield this sword while I'm young, to really let loose my social charm. To have men buying me endless drinks and to leave the party early to go to a different place and to ditch the dude i came with, to sample all the different types of people and slip into their lives temporarily to know what is like, to wear their point of veiws like a glove that I can toss away at the end of the night, to feel absolutely drunk on the power.
But i also dont want that because I'd get bored of it really quickly. That's not what i actually want in a real relationship, and at the end of the day i need real connections. And this wont give you genuine long lasting connections. Id see it as a meaningless waste of time, the way i do with everything that i cant see the deep philisophic value in, and i would immediately regret not using the time to work on my education or read a book. Shallow connections just depress me. I also know from years in my party phase that when im sad i tend to bottle up my feelings and go talk to people in bars to fill some kind of void... And it doesnt work. What works is sitting down, processing my emotions, doing some meditation and reflection, and establishing a firmer sense of self. Not partying as a distraction and going home with a stranger because I'm hoping to feel some sort of emotional connection through meaningless sex.
What im saying is i have different needs than the author and i know by now what works or doesn't work for me. This little power fantasy I've concocted is devised to counterbalance all the parts of my life that make me feel powerless (most of it actually) and i shouldn't feed into it but instead look for healthy ways to deal with those feelings.
The only real reason i should use to sleep with strangers is the actual physical need, not all these bullshit 10 layer psychological desires to connect and be powerful. The thing is that i can normally just distract myself from the physical with more important stuff like books on colonialism or learning new skills.
So even though sex is an eventual physical necessity, i think its smarter to bide my time and choose carefully because what I want is for it to actually be good, even if there's no emotional connection or spark. It has to be someone attractive, who wont cause drama in my life (i.e roomates, classmates, taken people, braggarts, etc), that isn't an asshat, and that I wont emotionally destroy.
Speaking of this, now that I've worked through all these psyc layers. I also really dislike hurting people. My natural inclination is to be kind and empathetic... Being powerful in that way requires you to be emotionally distant and hard... And i dont think that's who i want to become. But alternate reality nicole who is less focused on psychology might have fell into this trap and possibly screws lots of people *shrug emoji*
There were parts of her story that sounded very much like my own life, for instance het highschool boyfriend who was crazy, her extreme lonliness at times and need for company, her go with the flow attitide, propensity for attracting danger, need to feel an adrenaline rush, her college major (i loved all the anthropology jokes!!!!!), her lasting dislike for marriage as an institution. However she had several personality traits that i do not have, that are essential to living the life she has. She couldn't be a comedian if she gave a shit what everyone thought. She was very direct, and really had this ability to push past all of the bullshit in her head.
Its fascinating to read BECAUSE shes so different than i am. And put in the same situations my reactions would be so drastically different. Personality is fascinating.
I did find her story compelling and funny. I hardly put the book down.
The story about the dude she dated while in Australia literally had me gasping out loud at the twist ending to the first part.
The garfeild guy is honestly what my idea is a worst nightmare is. THAT is why i havent hooked up with anyone. So creepy!
I also really adored the 1000 cranes thing! I used to have a blog named 1000 paper cranes. If someone did that for me I would melt forever, it was so perfect.
I also was really attached to how she didn't tell anyone at all in her life that she was married for a full year, what an amazingly fun secret to keep! That is so nicole!
Reflecting on my life though... So many of the hookups she had were because she was sad, or lonely, or desperate for human company... And in the end she had a lot of (what I would consider) negative encounters and that made her braver/shaped her into who she was, but it aisi naar her more skeptical and guarded.
My life is crazy enough as is. I can tell adventurous stories about my adrenaline highs that don't need to include sex. In fact, I prefer that they don't. For her, it was something that she really wanted to do from the beginning and had no doubts or regrets about.
I have nights where I'm just lonely and want some kind of human contact, but im also aware that (being the kind of person I am) the only thing that would satisfy that is having (what I consider) to be a good, deep, in depth conversation with someone. And i dont need to sleep with them to do that. I can talk to anyone. But its also true that it's easy easier for me to get attention from men.
Im just not good at laughing off my mess ups or misfortunes like the author is. I honestly wouldnt have known what to do with garfeild guy, that is a level too fucked up for me. And I would have been so angry after enduring that kind of objectificstion, I wound have just left. I could NOT have forced myself to sleep there. I don't want to put myself into situations where I could potentially run into something like that.
So why haven't I banged more people? I know theres lots of just normal people around, i have the social skills to do it, i can separate the emotional and physical, I'm not looking for anything serious, and i don't give a shit about how many people I end up sleeping with, i dont have to worry about pregnancy, and stds are usually easily fixable... So why not?
I honestly don't know.
I'm picky, but even that's not a good excuse because im a student in a huge touristy city. I could grab some guy that'll leave tomorrow, or a drugged up stranger at a club, or a rando online. And you hardly ever get axe murdered in europe despite all the hostel movies.
And its not like i NEED the sexual/physical spark because god knows ive slept with people i didn't find attractive before or have chemistry with
So why not?
Honestly, its a lot of effort for something I'll only marginally enjoy. I mean, i love sex, but i imagine sex with a stranger is usually uncoordinated and if you're drunk you won't remember it well. Plus i think I'd feel self conscious the whole time.
Its just not very me. But part of me wants to try this role on for size.
When I was a kid, i always imagined being that kind of girl, the one who could get any guy and didn't care about any of them. She tosses men aside the way you might old clothes you don't like anymore. And wears red lipstick and is confident. The idea feels so powerful and free. Ive sort of adopted this role from time to time just without the sex. I've charmed men, manipulated men into doing what I wanted, strung them along for my own benefit, dropped them when i was bored... Just without any of the physical perks.
And i partially want to know what it feels like to really wield this sword while I'm young, to really let loose my social charm. To have men buying me endless drinks and to leave the party early to go to a different place and to ditch the dude i came with, to sample all the different types of people and slip into their lives temporarily to know what is like, to wear their point of veiws like a glove that I can toss away at the end of the night, to feel absolutely drunk on the power.
But i also dont want that because I'd get bored of it really quickly. That's not what i actually want in a real relationship, and at the end of the day i need real connections. And this wont give you genuine long lasting connections. Id see it as a meaningless waste of time, the way i do with everything that i cant see the deep philisophic value in, and i would immediately regret not using the time to work on my education or read a book. Shallow connections just depress me. I also know from years in my party phase that when im sad i tend to bottle up my feelings and go talk to people in bars to fill some kind of void... And it doesnt work. What works is sitting down, processing my emotions, doing some meditation and reflection, and establishing a firmer sense of self. Not partying as a distraction and going home with a stranger because I'm hoping to feel some sort of emotional connection through meaningless sex.
What im saying is i have different needs than the author and i know by now what works or doesn't work for me. This little power fantasy I've concocted is devised to counterbalance all the parts of my life that make me feel powerless (most of it actually) and i shouldn't feed into it but instead look for healthy ways to deal with those feelings.
The only real reason i should use to sleep with strangers is the actual physical need, not all these bullshit 10 layer psychological desires to connect and be powerful. The thing is that i can normally just distract myself from the physical with more important stuff like books on colonialism or learning new skills.
So even though sex is an eventual physical necessity, i think its smarter to bide my time and choose carefully because what I want is for it to actually be good, even if there's no emotional connection or spark. It has to be someone attractive, who wont cause drama in my life (i.e roomates, classmates, taken people, braggarts, etc), that isn't an asshat, and that I wont emotionally destroy.
Speaking of this, now that I've worked through all these psyc layers. I also really dislike hurting people. My natural inclination is to be kind and empathetic... Being powerful in that way requires you to be emotionally distant and hard... And i dont think that's who i want to become. But alternate reality nicole who is less focused on psychology might have fell into this trap and possibly screws lots of people *shrug emoji*
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 8, 2013
A few notes:
loved that this woman was an anthropology major who had cool jobs like working at Kinkos ("ProcrastaPrint") from Canada...
"My only regret in life is that I didn't drink enough Champagne." -John Maynard Keynes= opening quote.
"You want a cupcake? Go buy one. They only have lime ones left? Guess what your favorite flavor is. As I got older, this translated to: If I wanted a job, apply! A boyfriend? Ask him out! To lose my virginity? Make it happen! To fall in love? Okay, that was a little more difficult, but having a job, a boyfriend, and some sexual experience would give me a running start." (p. 21)
I liked the part on pp. 94-95 where she talks about the mind games she plays: "If the bus comes in two minutes, we'll get back together. Okay three minutes..." I used to play mind games like that with my brother throwing strikes in his baseball games lol.
Also agreed with her that "acid doesn't make you touchy-feely or amorous at all/is the furthest thing from a sexy drug." p.106
agreed with her too that this is a good quote: "I don't feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am. The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning." -Michael foucault p. 115
she made Vancouver sound pretty cool on p. 117...and she orders coffee "with milk, no bullshit." (123)
"nostalgia makes her connections feel deeper..." (127)
I liked her description of depression and sadness in Vancouver too: "once you accepted the nine months of rainy gray skies, they wrapped around you like al lukewarm blanket." (131)
her description of sex with the baker on page 137 is pretty interesting...
p. 140
On page 159 she has to wear Vans to a formal event...
Her description of the "clickity-clack gals" and how Sex and the City isn't a parody, it's a documentary about her time in New York was funny...
P. 175 and her use of the Oscar Wilde quote: "life does imitate art."
I could relate to her relating to/use of the quote "give me your tired, your poor," about her relationships at one point in her life...(177)
she doesn't like narcissist cokeheads as relationship material (179)
"If you ever hear yourself adamantly declare that you're fine, you'll immediately hear how not fine you really are." (213)
she considers herself somewhat submissive (259)
she fantasizes about a wedding dress made of "bubbles and sparkles" (274) lol.
The last line of the book is this (about a guy who "expanded her horizons"): "Probably Dave."
loved that this woman was an anthropology major who had cool jobs like working at Kinkos ("ProcrastaPrint") from Canada...
"My only regret in life is that I didn't drink enough Champagne." -John Maynard Keynes= opening quote.
"You want a cupcake? Go buy one. They only have lime ones left? Guess what your favorite flavor is. As I got older, this translated to: If I wanted a job, apply! A boyfriend? Ask him out! To lose my virginity? Make it happen! To fall in love? Okay, that was a little more difficult, but having a job, a boyfriend, and some sexual experience would give me a running start." (p. 21)
I liked the part on pp. 94-95 where she talks about the mind games she plays: "If the bus comes in two minutes, we'll get back together. Okay three minutes..." I used to play mind games like that with my brother throwing strikes in his baseball games lol.
Also agreed with her that "acid doesn't make you touchy-feely or amorous at all/is the furthest thing from a sexy drug." p.106
agreed with her too that this is a good quote: "I don't feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am. The main interest in life and work is to become someone else that you were not in the beginning." -Michael foucault p. 115
she made Vancouver sound pretty cool on p. 117...and she orders coffee "with milk, no bullshit." (123)
"nostalgia makes her connections feel deeper..." (127)
I liked her description of depression and sadness in Vancouver too: "once you accepted the nine months of rainy gray skies, they wrapped around you like al lukewarm blanket." (131)
her description of sex with the baker on page 137 is pretty interesting...
p. 140
On page 159 she has to wear Vans to a formal event...
Her description of the "clickity-clack gals" and how Sex and the City isn't a parody, it's a documentary about her time in New York was funny...
P. 175 and her use of the Oscar Wilde quote: "life does imitate art."
I could relate to her relating to/use of the quote "give me your tired, your poor," about her relationships at one point in her life...(177)
she doesn't like narcissist cokeheads as relationship material (179)
"If you ever hear yourself adamantly declare that you're fine, you'll immediately hear how not fine you really are." (213)
she considers herself somewhat submissive (259)
she fantasizes about a wedding dress made of "bubbles and sparkles" (274) lol.
The last line of the book is this (about a guy who "expanded her horizons"): "Probably Dave."
May 19, 2015
after the debut of serial i went podcast crazy, realizing that i could stand to improve upon my listening skills with something interesting or funny, and also that sometimes it's just nice to just listen instead of talk. npr has a ton of awesome podcasts and one of them is ask me another. it's a game show that revolves around puzzles and word games and makes me laugh in the morning on my way to work when all i want is more sleep and kitty snugs. the host is ophira eisenberg and i've got a mad radio crush on her. she's hilarious and i like the sound of her voice. what can i say, i'm easy to please. after some wiki searching i found out that she wrote the book screw everyone, the title of which wonderfully plays on the fact that she had a lot of sex before settling down and getting married.
the book starts with ophira's sexual experiences in high school, across 3 more (i think?) cities in canada, a year in australia, and finally ending up in new york city. some of the stories are obviously funny, some awkward, and some cringe-worthy, as was my favorite about her attempt to get into s&m for a magazine article she was writing. she nails writing about being jaded and single in a big city, shining a mirror on my dating life currently and leading me to hope against hope that someday someone somewhere will fold a thousand paper cranes as part of her wedding proposal to me (ophira's now-husband, after cooking her a nice dinner starts folding a paper crane, a weird hobby of his. he says,
"There are all these stories in Japanese folklore about a thousand cranes…like if you fold a thousand cranes, it will bring you luck, or if you fold a thousand cranes, it will bring you health. But the one I like the best is, if you give the person you love a thousand cranes, your love will last forever."
dead. i'm such a sap.
this was a quick and funny read that is totally worth your time, especially if you're fed up with dating life and pretty cynical about things in general.
the book starts with ophira's sexual experiences in high school, across 3 more (i think?) cities in canada, a year in australia, and finally ending up in new york city. some of the stories are obviously funny, some awkward, and some cringe-worthy, as was my favorite about her attempt to get into s&m for a magazine article she was writing. she nails writing about being jaded and single in a big city, shining a mirror on my dating life currently and leading me to hope against hope that someday someone somewhere will fold a thousand paper cranes as part of her wedding proposal to me (ophira's now-husband, after cooking her a nice dinner starts folding a paper crane, a weird hobby of his. he says,
"There are all these stories in Japanese folklore about a thousand cranes…like if you fold a thousand cranes, it will bring you luck, or if you fold a thousand cranes, it will bring you health. But the one I like the best is, if you give the person you love a thousand cranes, your love will last forever."
dead. i'm such a sap.
this was a quick and funny read that is totally worth your time, especially if you're fed up with dating life and pretty cynical about things in general.
May 5, 2015
What a lovely read! This book was a bit well downright depressing at times (but not in the usual way; in the omg she really met and dated/slept with these kinds of people sort-of way). For example, imagine about to sleep with a man and being confronted with his stuffed Garfield collection. LOL But I simply could not put it down and for those of you who like happy endings, there is one here and one that is quite satisfying for me. This reads like an autobiography even though I really wasn't expecting one (which is okay with me, I like autobiographies and sadly I have read some mediocre ones lately; to be technical it is a memoir). She is a Canadian comedian who searches for a stand-up career as well as casually dating. She is frank, funny at times (but not as much as you would think given she is a comedian), and overall her honesty is refreshing. I loathe reading autobiographies where I cannot help but feel people are leaving the nitty gritty out; we all have some things we don't want everyone to know about, but um if you are writing an autobiography isn't the point in rehashing with some of the bad or embarrassing stuff, reflecting on it, and moving past it? Anyways, this was a refreshingly enjoyable read (I had low expectations going in since one I never heard of her before and two the title could have meant I was going down god knows what path). A great end of summer light read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 24, 2014
I found this book to be light, entertaining, and genuinely funny at parts. I really admired the author's candidness about her flaws, her insecurities, and her often sad sexual experiences. I felt her honesty and I think that most women can relate to her uncertainty and insecurity when it comes to dating at least on some level, even if we don't all approach it as she did. It was refreshing to read a memoir or even a story about a woman's dating experience that doesn't paint her as the victim and men as either Prince Charming or the incarnation of Hades. Her portrayals of the people in her life seemed realistic, if slightly exaggerated for comedic purposes, but believable nonetheless. Overall I really enjoyed reading this book, it was an extremely quick read and it never hurts when a book makes you laugh a little.
February 5, 2015
"Wish on all the stars you want, but no one's listening except you."
"I looked up to her so much, it surprised me that we were the same height."
"It was like telling an ugly person, 'Hey, it's great how your face is...always there, and your eyes really know how to blink.'"
"The glass wasn't half-full, but it was still refillable."
"Why set yourself up for disappointment when you can be disappointed now?"
"I was more the girl-nest-door's even nicer friend who'd just moved here from Canada. My entire life had been spent happily agreeing to take care of neighbors' cats or water their African violets. Sure, occasionally they'd return to new cats and different plants, but they never had to question what I was up to in their basement."
"I looked up to her so much, it surprised me that we were the same height."
"It was like telling an ugly person, 'Hey, it's great how your face is...always there, and your eyes really know how to blink.'"
"The glass wasn't half-full, but it was still refillable."
"Why set yourself up for disappointment when you can be disappointed now?"
"I was more the girl-nest-door's even nicer friend who'd just moved here from Canada. My entire life had been spent happily agreeing to take care of neighbors' cats or water their African violets. Sure, occasionally they'd return to new cats and different plants, but they never had to question what I was up to in their basement."
Read
June 11, 2013Sometimes it's good to get out of one's comfort zone and check out how 'the other half' lives. And Ophira's life has certainly been different than mine. I heard her speak at the bookstore and, while the subject didn't fit within the bounds of social convention, she was pretty funny. Somehow her book was a little less funny. She basically tells stories from her many sexual adventures on her route to true love. I kept wanting to tell her to grow up and I kept wondering whether she would regret writing the book if she ever had children. She certainly has plenty of material for her stand-up comedy routines.
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