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Love Me, Feed Me: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Ending the Worry About Weight, Picky Eating, Power Struggles and More
Love Me, Feed Me is a relationship-building, practical guide to help fostering and adoptive families enjoy family meals and raise children who eat a variety of foods and grow to have the body that is right for them. Grounded in science, but made real with the often heart-breaking and inspiring words of parents who have been there, Dr. Katja Rowell helps readers understand and address feeding challenges, from simple picky eating to entrenched food obsession, oral motor and developmental delays, “feeding clinic failures,” and more.
Though written primarily for the adoptive and fostering audience, Rowell, aka, the “Feeding Doctor,” shares that her clients are more alike than different. “This book is a distillation of the advice and support I provide all my families as they transform a troubled feeding relationship into a healthy one, and bring peace and joy back to the family table.”
Though written primarily for the adoptive and fostering audience, Rowell, aka, the “Feeding Doctor,” shares that her clients are more alike than different. “This book is a distillation of the advice and support I provide all my families as they transform a troubled feeding relationship into a healthy one, and bring peace and joy back to the family table.”
354 pages, Paperback
First published September 14, 2012
49 people are currently reading
332 people want to read
About the author
Katja Rowell
7 books8 followersKatja Rowell M.D is a family doctor and childhood feeding expert. Her mission is to bring peace and joy back to the family table. Rowell has a special interest in helping adoptive and foster families who struggle with weight and feeding worries. Rowell also supports parents of children with feeding differences and challenges from a brain-body focus.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
March 16, 2013
Although I am not an adoptive or foster parent, I am the parent of a child with sensory issues that created similar feeding problems for our family for years. Initially, I picked up Love Me, Feed Me out of curiosity, to see if anyone out there might have been able to teach us how to do things differently (hindsight is 20/20, after all). After reading just the first chapter, all I could think was, “Dr. Rowell, where have you been all my life?”
Rowell’s common-sense approach, reassuring tone, and extensive research make this very practical guide a terrific resource for families struggling to rediscover the joy of shared mealtimes. The parent anecdotes and personal examples Rowell shares bring a feeling of support and understanding that I never experienced during our years of feeding problems. It seems that every time Rowell addresses a specific concern, she also suggests practical, customizable solutions and endless additional resources to which parents can turn. I love her one-size-doesn’t-fit-all approach; as Rowell says, “There’s more than one right way to feed a child.” It’s the opposite of what we are so often told as parents.
While the book is thoroughly researched and brimming with solid science and statistics, Rowell displays courage and candor in letting her readers know when she bumps up against research that doesn’t support her mission of helping families find healthful, sane ways to feed their children—a candor and sanity often missing for struggling families.
Though the title makes it sound as if this book is only for adoptive and foster parents, I hope that all parents dealing with these issues take the time to read it, adoptive or not. I really believe it could have made a huge difference for our family and believe it will for many other families, too.
Rowell’s common-sense approach, reassuring tone, and extensive research make this very practical guide a terrific resource for families struggling to rediscover the joy of shared mealtimes. The parent anecdotes and personal examples Rowell shares bring a feeling of support and understanding that I never experienced during our years of feeding problems. It seems that every time Rowell addresses a specific concern, she also suggests practical, customizable solutions and endless additional resources to which parents can turn. I love her one-size-doesn’t-fit-all approach; as Rowell says, “There’s more than one right way to feed a child.” It’s the opposite of what we are so often told as parents.
While the book is thoroughly researched and brimming with solid science and statistics, Rowell displays courage and candor in letting her readers know when she bumps up against research that doesn’t support her mission of helping families find healthful, sane ways to feed their children—a candor and sanity often missing for struggling families.
Though the title makes it sound as if this book is only for adoptive and foster parents, I hope that all parents dealing with these issues take the time to read it, adoptive or not. I really believe it could have made a huge difference for our family and believe it will for many other families, too.
October 4, 2021
This book was recommended to me by my daughters adjustment counselor at school. She’s in seventh grade, and was adopted this past year and has been living with us for almost 2 years. Truly I wish that I had read this book before she had even moved in with us. It seems like it has a lot of good knowledge and I think it’s going to be very helpful.
October 11, 2012
This book is incredible, and is not to be missed if you're an adoptive or foster parent, hope to become one, or work in a professional capacity with adopted or foster children (whether as a therapist, nutritionist, doctor, teacher, childcare provider or caseworker). Dr. Katja Rowell goes beyond "how to force my picky child to eat" and instead presents a total overhaul of your family's approach to food and mealtimes. Getting at the emotional roots of parents' and children's (especially adopted children's) dysfunctional relationships with food, the approach Dr. Rowell presents is truly healing for families that have long found mealtime to be a time of power struggles, control issues, bad behavior and food rejection. This book gives ideas that can help with everything from malnutrition to avoiding feeding tubes to the food hoarding issues common in children from neglectful or impoverished backgrounds. She explores how to use the "trust" approach to remove the charge from mealtimes, thus helping children learn to listen to their own bodies and recognize and meet their nutritional needs. This is not a handy little reference guide to nutritional requirements. Instead, Dr. Rowell goes far beyond what most dietitians and speech therapists can offer adoptive families whose children have feeding challenges, by teaching the adoptive parent to alter their own beliefs and way of talking to their children about food, to transform meal time into a positive family experience, and to do something that many of us find very hard: Trusting our children to, over time, learn to eat a healthy and relatively balanced diet without the pressure, games and struggles most of us have become used to. This book is nearly as applicable to non-adoptive families, but unlike Ellyn Satter's books (which Dr. Rowell's approach is based on) it is tailored to the issues of kids who've had a rough start to life. It made me question so much of what I thought I knew about teaching my children to eat healthfully.
August 12, 2017
I read this book because my wife and I are preparing to adopt a son from China. This book was recommended by our adoption agency.
Dr. Rowell promotes the Trust Based feeding model: parents determine when and what kids each; the kids determine how much. This means that kids might eat more or less of a particular food than you might like. But it encourages kids to listen to their bodies and eat until they're full—not more, not less.
There are a lot of other details—desserts are still portioned, you can let other people have a chance to eat something before kids finish it, you don't ever praise for eating or guilt for not eating, etc.
I thought this approach made a lot of sense and I'd definitely recommend this book.
Dr. Rowell promotes the Trust Based feeding model: parents determine when and what kids each; the kids determine how much. This means that kids might eat more or less of a particular food than you might like. But it encourages kids to listen to their bodies and eat until they're full—not more, not less.
There are a lot of other details—desserts are still portioned, you can let other people have a chance to eat something before kids finish it, you don't ever praise for eating or guilt for not eating, etc.
I thought this approach made a lot of sense and I'd definitely recommend this book.
December 30, 2015
I have an adult child with sensory and tactile issues surrounding food. I have taken her to nutritionists, and have tried to introduce her to different foods, to no avail. She is sometimes anemic, has low energy, consumes soda, chicken, cheese, milk, and not much else. This book was quite helpful, but ultimately, it is up to each child to decide what they are willing to eat.
March 11, 2025
This book could have been at least 100 pages shorter. Responsive feeding is definitely the most effective way for kids with trauma to experience felt safety but this book was way too far in the “everything you know is wrong” arena. I found myself disagreeing with her conclusions pretty often because every family and child I have worked with is different.
February 21, 2023
Skimmed over a few parts that aren't relevant to us (infants, allergies, etc). I feel in my gut that this is the right approach to feeding, but I don't know if I'm emotionally or mentally ready for it yet. My own eating habits have been pretty screwy my entire life. Will need to come back to this.
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January 19, 2024Division of Responsibility:
Parents decide three things: the when, where, and what of feeding.
Children decide how much and if they will eat from what is provided.
"Children want to grow up to be like their parents. They want to learn to be capable adults, and they have an innate, or internal, drive to do that. They try on your shoes, put on your makeup, want to drive a car, and pick themselves up over and over again then they are learning to walk. Eating is no different. Even with challenges, children want to learn to grow up and eat the foods the family eats. This drive to grow up and be capable, called 'internal motivation,' comes from within the child, and it is a powerful force. It is your best ally in helping your child become a competent eater.
When the motivation exists in a natural setting - one in which the child has a desire to succeed rather than senses he is being pushed or feels he has to comply or lose face to make progress - it can work wonders. You can't replace internal motivation with therapy, praise, or stickers. For many children, external rewards and pressure undermine and hinder the true, deep motivation to grow up and be capable" (70).
Parents decide three things: the when, where, and what of feeding.
Children decide how much and if they will eat from what is provided.
"Children want to grow up to be like their parents. They want to learn to be capable adults, and they have an innate, or internal, drive to do that. They try on your shoes, put on your makeup, want to drive a car, and pick themselves up over and over again then they are learning to walk. Eating is no different. Even with challenges, children want to learn to grow up and eat the foods the family eats. This drive to grow up and be capable, called 'internal motivation,' comes from within the child, and it is a powerful force. It is your best ally in helping your child become a competent eater.
When the motivation exists in a natural setting - one in which the child has a desire to succeed rather than senses he is being pushed or feels he has to comply or lose face to make progress - it can work wonders. You can't replace internal motivation with therapy, praise, or stickers. For many children, external rewards and pressure undermine and hinder the true, deep motivation to grow up and be capable" (70).
July 3, 2016
I'd stalled out in the middle of this one in part because (full disclosure) I'm one of the parents quoted throughout, which kind of freaked me out as a reader even though I think the anecdotes I shared fit in well! But I'm dealing with a different eating issue now and knew this was the place to go for the advice and support I needed, and I think it was. I went away at peace with the knowledge that I know my job as the parent and with plans to implement a gentle transition to trust-oriented feeding once we move into our new home in a few weeks, and I do expect to see improvements from there (and have my own dang testimony from years ago that this is something that can make a big difference!)
December 28, 2018
I don't know if it will help, but finally - a professional who actually understands my kid. I'm anxious to try her approach.
January 11, 2016
In my opinion ALL adoptive families should read this book! Even if you have very little feeding issues it is invaluable.
March 4, 2023
As a mom of a child with a history of complex trauma, I appreciate the author’s thoughtfulness and focus on connection. While I don’t completely agree with all of her conclusions and methods, I enjoyed reading her perspective which is very well researched and sourced. The Dr. Rowell provides many feasible solutions and her experience working with children, especially those who were adopted or are in foster care, is an invaluable credit to the book.
We are currently facing multiple challenges with our youngest regarding feeding. The book addresses some of the main issues, but others were not touched. There are large areas and behaviors for us that were not addressed, and while some of her advice is great, it will be a guessing game to implement other tactics as I was left with numerous questions, even after reading the book cover-to-cover (2nd edition). I appreciate the support, advice, and perspective offered in the book, but it wasn’t a perfect fit for our family’s needs.
We are currently facing multiple challenges with our youngest regarding feeding. The book addresses some of the main issues, but others were not touched. There are large areas and behaviors for us that were not addressed, and while some of her advice is great, it will be a guessing game to implement other tactics as I was left with numerous questions, even after reading the book cover-to-cover (2nd edition). I appreciate the support, advice, and perspective offered in the book, but it wasn’t a perfect fit for our family’s needs.
November 21, 2019
This book came in very handy for my family. I appreciated its depth and patient tone for this challenging subject.
January 5, 2021
Life changing.
March 8, 2017
If you plan to foster or adopt a child, buy this book, read it in advance, and revisit it regularly after the child comes into your home. If you already foster or have adopted a child, buy this book, read it immediately, and revisit it regularly. I cannot over-state it: this book is so, so very helpful.
The premise is based on Ellyn Satter's work, and it's pretty simple: the adults' job is to teach kids to be competent eaters. Competent eaters feel good about eating, eat consistently, and enjoy food. This means they can eat a wide variety of foods, try new foods, choose foods that support their physical health, eat enough to satisfy their hunger, and stop eating when they are full.
It's not the adults' job to MAKE kids do anything or to GET kids to do anything.
That simple premise, then, gets implemented through the division of responsibility (DOR): Adults choose what foods are offered, when they are offered, and where they are offered. Kids choose if, what, and how much they will eat from the offered foods. The DOR means you can parent all of your kids the same way, because the rules are the same for the adopted and biological kids, the "too fat" and "too thin" kids, or the typically- and differently-abled kids. The DOR also means meals can be relaxed and pleasant opportunities to connect, because the adult has finished all of his/her part of the responsibilities BEFORE sitting down at the table.
The book delves into the details of how to implement the DOR, potential roadblocks, typical eating problems with foster/adoptive kids, and a host of other topics. There's a ton of valuable information. Suffice to say, though, that it revolutionized how I thought about feeding my children, particularly the non-biological kids. With that revolution in thinking came a tremendous sense of relief and an immediate increase in the joy of preparing and eating meals in my house.
Go buy this book. Seriously.
The premise is based on Ellyn Satter's work, and it's pretty simple: the adults' job is to teach kids to be competent eaters. Competent eaters feel good about eating, eat consistently, and enjoy food. This means they can eat a wide variety of foods, try new foods, choose foods that support their physical health, eat enough to satisfy their hunger, and stop eating when they are full.
It's not the adults' job to MAKE kids do anything or to GET kids to do anything.
That simple premise, then, gets implemented through the division of responsibility (DOR): Adults choose what foods are offered, when they are offered, and where they are offered. Kids choose if, what, and how much they will eat from the offered foods. The DOR means you can parent all of your kids the same way, because the rules are the same for the adopted and biological kids, the "too fat" and "too thin" kids, or the typically- and differently-abled kids. The DOR also means meals can be relaxed and pleasant opportunities to connect, because the adult has finished all of his/her part of the responsibilities BEFORE sitting down at the table.
The book delves into the details of how to implement the DOR, potential roadblocks, typical eating problems with foster/adoptive kids, and a host of other topics. There's a ton of valuable information. Suffice to say, though, that it revolutionized how I thought about feeding my children, particularly the non-biological kids. With that revolution in thinking came a tremendous sense of relief and an immediate increase in the joy of preparing and eating meals in my house.
Go buy this book. Seriously.
December 12, 2012
Interesting explanation of "Division of Responsibility" theory of eating: parents are responsible for when, how, and what children eat; children for if and how much they eat. As a recent adoptive parent, I can say it relieves stress to be able to acknowledge that my child's eating will fluctuate, and that trusting her and avoiding power struggles is OK. It's a hard philosophy to do perfectly, though. I think this book could have benefited from more editing. Its message could be straightforward but the presentation is long, and at some point the anecdotes became distracting rather than illustrative. I think I could have gotten what I needed from several selected chapters rather than the whole thing. The inclusion of a chapter on parents with eating disorders might seem like overkill, but I found it a good reminder for us to leave our own issues with eating at the door around kids.
January 20, 2016
A needed resource for parents of children with severe feeding problems (for whatever cause, not just adoption) that is nonetheless a slog to read.
The author seems to have a lot of experience and excellent ideas about creating a healthy food cycle/ relationship. However, she is overly dependent on one source and tends to take a long time to say what she wants - something that is less tolerable when in the throws of difficult parenting. Case studies seem to weigh it down instead of illuminate. It was good enough that I have recommended to other adoption parents.
This is the kind of book that you remember and recommend because you haven't seen anything else on the topic, yet wish there was something more approachable for exhausted parents trying to their best by kids with significant challenges.
Goodreads readers, anyone aware of a better resource?
The author seems to have a lot of experience and excellent ideas about creating a healthy food cycle/ relationship. However, she is overly dependent on one source and tends to take a long time to say what she wants - something that is less tolerable when in the throws of difficult parenting. Case studies seem to weigh it down instead of illuminate. It was good enough that I have recommended to other adoption parents.
This is the kind of book that you remember and recommend because you haven't seen anything else on the topic, yet wish there was something more approachable for exhausted parents trying to their best by kids with significant challenges.
Goodreads readers, anyone aware of a better resource?
January 21, 2014
I really enjoyed this book. I was already very familiar with Ellyn Satter's "Division of Responsibility," but I felt that the numerous examples and scenarios helped to flesh the idea out for me a little more. It really reinforced the things I already knew and also helped me to re-evaluate some feeding patterns we'd fallen into that weren't helpful. Even though this is written to foster/adoptive parents specifically, I think it is useful for any parent.
The only negative is that some of the stories are retold multiple times in different parts of the book. Because I read straight through, this got old. It could have used a little more editing in that respect.
The only negative is that some of the stories are retold multiple times in different parts of the book. Because I read straight through, this got old. It could have used a little more editing in that respect.
July 30, 2013
This book rocked my world and created quite a bit of stress, but I believe the author has some significant insights into trauma and eating that line up with other things I've been learning about trauma since adopting our children six years ago. Our family will be switching to the trust model of feeding as soon as we get back from summer vacation.
February 1, 2015
This book addresses the needs of my child like no other book has. Finally a book that gets that my child really has a problem that has to be addressed. The Trust Model is an approach that I have never heard of before but I am open to trying it.
May 1, 2017
I have struggled for 3 years with my son's food and sugar obsession. As a recovering compulsive overeater and sugar addict myself, I worried constantly that he would grow up to have the same addiction I had. In trying to encourage him to have "healthy eating habits", food became even more of a struggle for him and a power struggle for both of us.
This book has freed both of us from that unhealthy power struggle and his relationship with food is being transformed right before my eyes!!! Just the other day he willingly threw his half-eaten chocolate chunk cookie away of his own volition!!! In the past he would have voraciously stuffed the giant cookie in his mouth and begged for more!
Although this book speaks specifically about foster and adoptive children, the concepts are universal and would clearly be beneficial for any child/family.
This book has freed both of us from that unhealthy power struggle and his relationship with food is being transformed right before my eyes!!! Just the other day he willingly threw his half-eaten chocolate chunk cookie away of his own volition!!! In the past he would have voraciously stuffed the giant cookie in his mouth and begged for more!
Although this book speaks specifically about foster and adoptive children, the concepts are universal and would clearly be beneficial for any child/family.
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