Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner

by Kate N. Thieda MS LPCA NCC

Dealing with an anxiety disorder is hard, but loving someone with an anxiety disorder can be equally as difficult. If your partner suffers from extreme anxiety, they may have panic attacks, constantly be voicing their worried thoughts, or may not be able to participate in social events because of a fear of social settings. No matter how compassionate you are, you may sometimes feel frustrated, unable to help, and even find your own life restricted—all of which can lead to conflict, resentment, miscommunication, and ultimately, an end to the relationship altogether. Loving Someone with Anxiety is one of the few books written specifically for the partners of people with anxiety disorders. The book is designed not only to aid you in helping your partner cope with anxiety and worry, but also to help you take care of your own needs. Inside, you’ll learn the importance of setting healthy boundaries, limiting codependent behaviors, and why taking over roles that make your partner anxious—such as answering the phone, driving, or doing the grocery shopping because your partner feels too anxious to be in public—can be extremely damaging for the both of you. Codependency in relationships with an anxious partner can lead to resentment, anger, and a sense of helplessness on your side. This book will help you and your partner overcome these negative behaviors, build better communication and a stronger personal connection. Written by a licensed professional counselor who specializes in helping the partners of those with mental illnesses, this book is the resource that you have been looking for to help you understand your anxious partner and keep anxiety from sabotaging your relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Relationships, Self Help, Health

200 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2013

Reviews

[Crystal Oros · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written and very relatable. Even though I am the one who suffers from GAD anxiety I read this book so I could have a better understanding of what is recommended to those who choose to support me go through when dealing with me. Reading this has helped me to consider trying new tools for coping and how to communicate more effectively with my loved ones. If you have a partner who suffers any anxiety disorders then all I can say is read this book and try the suggestions to help them get into recovery.

[Andy]

DNF. About diagnosable serious anxiety disorders.

[Camille McCarthy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a very helpful guide for when your partner has anxiety and you are trying to help them deal with it. It's useful especially for those who don't know much about anxiety and are trying to better understand their partners. A lot of it seems common-sense and basic, but it was useful for it to be broken down in simple terms so that it seems a lot less confusing. There are journal prompts every few pages to help organize your thoughts along the way, which can be really helpful. She also goes into helpful communication tips, and it is all put together very thoughtfully.
From a practical standpoint, I wish she had included more examples towards the end, especially examples of accommodating versus helping a person work through their issues, because I have difficulty with that in my own relationship. She switches between using "he" and "she" to describe the anxious partner, which I liked in some ways, but it might have been less confusing to just use the singular "they." I also liked that she included examples of both straight and queer relationships, unlike a lot of self-help books which seem to be only geared towards hetero people.
Overall this was a very useful book for a situation that is very difficult and isolating, and I really appreciated the book. There is a whole series of books like this, including "Loving someone with PTSD," "Loving someone with Depression," and "Loving someone with Bipolar disorder," so if you have a partner with any of these issues, they are likely to be good resources for you.

[Aaryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I learned a lot about myself in reading this book. During a time where the world seems like it's imploding, this book provided a plethora of tools to help both your own as well as others' (not necessarily just a romantic partner's) anxieties. It discusses several different types of anxiety and offers everyday solutions to getting through anxious times.

The only reason I give this 4 stars is because I wasn't a huge fan of the Reflective Listening tool in Chapter 4. I understand that feeling and being told you're heard while going through an anxious time is absolutely necessary to some level of healing; however I feel that hearing reflective listening used on me would probably make things well worse before it helped. Obviously this is a highly personal experience and may not be reflective of how others would feel in that circumstance, but it was the difference between 4 and 5 stars for me.

[Libbie George · Rating 5 out of 5]

I rate self help books differently than fiction. If a SH book makes me stop in my tracks, re listen, journal, change something in my life, it gets 5 stars. If I nodded along and thought, aw, well there's that... eh, maybe 3 stars. This is a five star book. I can't tell you the amount of times I said- oh my goodness...that's me. If you need to understand your partner's anxiety, listen to this book. It's firm yet sensitive. Many examples of what to say and how to protect yourself. So many tools and techniques on how to not prolong that anxiety OR internalize it. I wish I'd have read this 20 years ago.

[Chase Chisholm · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent book with good tips on how to assist your significant other on how to deal with anxiety as well as how to manage your mental health with it.

[Jillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a very good "beginner's guide to anxiety" in its various forms. The plain language and examples would be very comforting to someone who is baffled by their partner's anxiety but really wants to help. The only thing that I would caution about with this book is a reader leaning too hard into the caregiver role and not recognizing that the person with anxiety also has a responsibility to help with their own healing. There is a good section at the end about self-care for the caregiver, but I wish there was a little bit more discussion about how it's great that a partner wants to help with anxiety and they can offer all of these tools, but the decision, will, and effort to handle anxiety differently needs to come from the anxious person. Otherwise, the relationship becomes very codependent, and the anxious person needs their partner to stabilize them.

[Jon Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though a lot of the info in this book is kind of common sense, and self-explanatory, it is nevertheless, as the title suggests, very helpful in improving your relationship with your partner, and developing a deeper sense of understanding and compassion. The part that surprised me, and that I found extremely helpful, was the section on self-care for the caregiver. It should be obvious, but like the author says, when you are on an airplane and the flight attendant instructs the passengers regarding what to do in an emergency situation, you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then to assist loved ones. I will be meditating on the lessons learned in this book, and returning regularly for reference and guidance.

[Jonathan Tennis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dealing with an anxiety is hard. Loving someone with anxiety can sometimes feel like its harder. This book helps put it all in perspective and give both the person with anxiety and the person who loves them a way to work together on making it better. Great book. Really helped me understand what it’s like to suffer from anxiety.

“It can feel very lonely to be in a relationship that’s dictated by your partner’s anxiety.” – p. 65

[Janet Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was hoping this would help me find ideas to help my daughter with anxiety but this book was geared more towards a romantic relationship. I figured "loving someone" meant anyone, not just your "partner". Many ideas could cross over but most could not really. I think if she read this with me it would have been more helpful. I did like the section on not enabling the anxiety but there she could have been more specific with ideas.

[Osvaldo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I saw you in my sleep, darling
I think I saw you in my dreams
You were stitching up the seams
On every broken promise
That your body couldn't keep
I think I saw you in my sleep

Oh, I think I saw you in my sleep darling
I think I saw you in my dreams
You were stitching up the seams
On every broken promise
That your body couldn't keep
I think I saw you in my sleep

I thought I heard the door open, oh no
I thought I heard the door open
But I only heard it close
I thought I heard a plane crashing
But now I think it was your passion snapping

I think you saw me confronting my fear
It went up with a bottle and went down with the beer
And I think you ought to stay away from here
There are ghosts in the walls
And they crawl in your head through your ear

I think I saw you in my sleep, lover
I think I saw you in my dreams
You were stitching up the seams
On every mangled promise
That your body couldn't keep
I think I saw you in my sleep

Such Small Hands - La Dispute

[Xavier Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book with tools to navigate anxious partners and better understand your mental health to promote a better version of yourself.

The book contains many exercises which cause pause and reflection. To get the most out of this book, it is crucial to have a journal handy and pause regularly to think about and write down responses to prompts provided throughout the book. Working through this book in small increments was the most beneficial so I could slowly absorb different parts of information and reflect.

On top of journal prompts, the book gives great background into anxiety and it’s effects on relationships in general and romantic relationships. Furthermore, the book provides many mindful techniques to cope with anger and stress.

Overall the book is well written and is fulfilling if you spend adequate time working through the exercises and journal prompts.

[Libardo Muñoz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lo encontré con un libro informativo para entender mejor a las otras personas. A ver algunas pinceladas de los que sufre una persona que combate todo el tiempo con sus propios demonios.
Quitando la parte de que la autora se auto referencia en cada par de párrafos, es un libro informativo para aprender algo nuevo.
Me sorprendió mucho la proporción de gente ansiosa que existe en el mundo, pero no mas que la proporción de gente que no busca ayuda cuando lo atraviesa.
Me hizo reflexionar sobre la cantidad de hombres, que por el estigma social, usan el silencio como escudo de fuerza para sobrellevar las consecuencias del estar ansioso.
Me gustó bastante. No me puedo quejar de lo que aprendí con la autora.

[Jessica Williamson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful <3

For someone who's in a relationship or even taking care of someone with anxiety this is an amazing book!

It's simple, straight forward but informative. It's a very encouraging book to help your partner/loved one, the book is not too overwhelming as it's only 200 pages. The books provides you to do writing exercises to help you reflect your notes and see how you can help yourself and your partner to have a stronger relationship.
The fact it also provides help/self care guide for the caregiver (you, the reader) as well is amazing, it shows it doesn't have to be exhausting.. you can't help other people unless you help yourself first!

With the help provided and using these tools practically, it feels very awarding to see your relationship grow stronger. Communication is key in every relationship <3

Highly recommend! 10/10

[Madison Schoolfield · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really good surface level book. Definitely did not go in depth into some of the big topics, but really really well organized and some really practical tips. I read as someone trying to navigate being the partner with anxiety and also having a partner with anxiety… I feel like it’s applicable both ways. Highly recommend, but don’t expect to walk away mind blown. More so is a good book to get the ball rolling with niche interests.

[Just another reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you Kate N. Thieda for writing this. Relatable and well-written.
However, the book is written in mind for understanding one's partner anxiety but it helped me to understand my own anxiety; gave me many insights and how to cope with it by employing the tools mentioned by the author.
Recommended!!!
Looking forward to reading other books in the Loving someone with... series.

[Cindy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some useful information; some not applicable.

[Matt Blair · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well worth a read. Lots of great perspective on anxiety disorders, with plenty of tips on what sufferers and their partners can do to look after themselves and each other.

[Jim Herbert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good pragmatic suggestions for living with someone who lives with anxiety

[Drew Reilly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful, practical, with hands on exercises.

[Bennor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm far from an expert in this area but it felt like the book was full of good advice. The chapter on communication was particularly useful.

[Heather Stamper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some things I already knew and some new things to try. Very informative.

[Daniel Demarle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very useful

[Jeanpaul · Rating 4 out of 5]

The information on the different types of anxiety disorders was interesting. I found the tips on responding to someone with anxiety to be simple but worthy of trying.

[Martin Ďurec · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everybody knows somebody with anxiety. This is very practical guide to be supportive for such a people. Some ideas are also applicable for better life balance in general.

[Bibianasandoval · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful for sure. As I see and support my partner, I will definitely use some of the techniques learned here.

[Mary Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good overall - I wish the author had used “they” instead of switching between “he” and “her.”

[Bevan Boychuk · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't think I got as much out of this as I was hoping to, but I definitely took a few points out of it

[Jessica Carr · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easy read. Good tips and reminders.

[Eduardo Lira · Rating 5 out of 5]

MARAVILLOSO✨