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Exit: The Endings That Set Us Free
The wisdom of saying goodbye
In this wise and provocative book, the renowned sociologist Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot trains her lens on the myriad exits we make in our exits big and small, extraordinary and ordinary, quick and protracted, painful and liberating.
Exits are ubiquitous. Part of the historical narrative of our country, they mark the physical landscapes we inhabit; they're braided into the arc of our individual development, laced into our intergenerational relationships, shaped by economic crisis, global mobility, and technological innovations. But we tend to ignore them, often seeing them as signs of failure.
For two years Lawrence-Lightfoot traveled around the country listening to people tell their stories of leaving, witnessing rituals of goodbye, and producing the penetrating portraits that have become her signature. A gay man who finds home and wholeness after coming out of the closet; a sixteen-year-old-boy forced to leave Iran in the midst of a violent civil war; a Catholic priest who leaves the church; an anthropologist who carefully stages her departure from the field after years of research; and many more. Lawrence-Lightfoot shares their stories with sympathy and insight, finding the universal patterns that reframe our exit narratives.
Exit finds wisdom in the possibility of moving on. It marks the start of a new a chance to discover how to make our exits with dignity and grace.
In this wise and provocative book, the renowned sociologist Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot trains her lens on the myriad exits we make in our exits big and small, extraordinary and ordinary, quick and protracted, painful and liberating.
Exits are ubiquitous. Part of the historical narrative of our country, they mark the physical landscapes we inhabit; they're braided into the arc of our individual development, laced into our intergenerational relationships, shaped by economic crisis, global mobility, and technological innovations. But we tend to ignore them, often seeing them as signs of failure.
For two years Lawrence-Lightfoot traveled around the country listening to people tell their stories of leaving, witnessing rituals of goodbye, and producing the penetrating portraits that have become her signature. A gay man who finds home and wholeness after coming out of the closet; a sixteen-year-old-boy forced to leave Iran in the midst of a violent civil war; a Catholic priest who leaves the church; an anthropologist who carefully stages her departure from the field after years of research; and many more. Lawrence-Lightfoot shares their stories with sympathy and insight, finding the universal patterns that reframe our exit narratives.
Exit finds wisdom in the possibility of moving on. It marks the start of a new a chance to discover how to make our exits with dignity and grace.
272 pages, Paperback
First published May 22, 2012
27 people are currently reading
296 people want to read
About the author
Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot
16 books27 followersSara Lawrence-Lightfoot is an American sociologist who examines the culture of schools, the patterns and structures of classroom life, socialization within families and communities, and the relationships between culture and learning styles. She has been a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education since the 1970s.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
June 22, 2012
I expected to like this book a lot, and I'm disappointed. Part of my problem with it is the subjects themselves, who are all comfortable professional people. True, two are immigrants and two have families of origin in the lower-classes. But three -- three! out of the 11 subjects are very comfortably well-off individuals whose struggle to "exit" means deciding to leave the world of philanthropy. All of the interviewees are fortunately situated in their lives so that they have the luxury of choosing to "exit". Two help others to exit (a doctor and a therapist). Given the economic struggles that so many have faced in the last few years, I wish the author would have included a few folks who weathered involuntary exits: Hurricane Katrina survivors, people who lost their jobs and their homes, etc. How about someone who, say, attempted suicide but fought their way back to mental health? How about a battered woman who found the courage to exit an abusive relationship after many false starts? It's a bit pathetic when the take-away lesson from a book is that you should allow your co-workers to throw a retirement party for you.
The writing itself is best when the author is walking us through her interviews, quoting her subjects' own words. But then there is the summary that appears at the end of each subject's story, which is no more than a paraphrase of the story itself.
The writing itself is best when the author is walking us through her interviews, quoting her subjects' own words. But then there is the summary that appears at the end of each subject's story, which is no more than a paraphrase of the story itself.
January 20, 2024
First, the positive: the author is astute, intelligent, accomplished and writes with clarity and conviction.
Now, the rest: the author, in this book, constructs a disjointed premise, incessantly repeats that disjointed premise, and chooses for her sociological study only the privileged, uber-wealthy intellectuals of her comfortable, lofty circle. I always enjoy reading about other people’s lives. This collection, however, became tiring as each “exit” involved multi-million dollar corporations, lavish accolades, and choices for the exit-ers of continued lives of privilege. Boring. Unrelateable. The ONLY exception was the fascinating story of a mother desperately struggling to protect her son from escalating bullying and terror. I could read about her all day.
Overall, not down-to-earth enough for me. I’ll stick with the numerous daily exits in my public service circle. They are more interesting anyhow.
Now, the rest: the author, in this book, constructs a disjointed premise, incessantly repeats that disjointed premise, and chooses for her sociological study only the privileged, uber-wealthy intellectuals of her comfortable, lofty circle. I always enjoy reading about other people’s lives. This collection, however, became tiring as each “exit” involved multi-million dollar corporations, lavish accolades, and choices for the exit-ers of continued lives of privilege. Boring. Unrelateable. The ONLY exception was the fascinating story of a mother desperately struggling to protect her son from escalating bullying and terror. I could read about her all day.
Overall, not down-to-earth enough for me. I’ll stick with the numerous daily exits in my public service circle. They are more interesting anyhow.
June 29, 2013
Since I'm almost done with grad school, I know that exiting this chapter in my life is important. In our society, we don't celebrate the ending of something. We prefer to celebrate new beginnings which is exciting. Though, exiting something really helps to close something so one is better prepared for a new beginning. The writer shares with us several people who experienced exiting by finding home, finding one's voice, gaining freedom, healing wounds, yearning for something else and finding grace within the exiting experience. When I actually finish grad school, I'm going to celebrate it with going out to dinner with friends.
December 30, 2019
It was a good read of the stories part. The explanation or theory part is boring because the stories were actually weaved with the theories already. This book has shown, but it has also told (which is the downside of it cause it downwrite the readers). Readers are not stupid and they don't require intense repetition through explanations. We can process the stories, especially when it's already weaved with direct concepts. It should have just shown and not tell, and it would have been a perfect read.
July 2, 2012
Stories = good. Commentary = so so. Worth reading if you're in transition of any sort.
Read
April 13, 2020p. 7 Exit, Voice, and Empathy <- classic work
p. 88 "exit *is* relationship"
p. 156 Becoming an Ex <- one of only other works on subject
p. 197 Du Bois, against eternity!! in an essay called "Of Beauty and Death," addresses "the relationship of beauty to the finite, of ugliness to the infinite"
p. 88 "exit *is* relationship"
p. 156 Becoming an Ex <- one of only other works on subject
p. 197 Du Bois, against eternity!! in an essay called "Of Beauty and Death," addresses "the relationship of beauty to the finite, of ugliness to the infinite"
May 14, 2017
Parts of this book were incredible potent and expressive of my current transition. A well-executed treatment of a topic which is, in the end, a part of all of our lives at one point or another (and in many ways.)
May 22, 2024
I picked this up at a thrift store when I was really vibing with non-fiction works, but what could have been an inspiring essay was just a collection of detached interviews with drastically different interpretations of "exits" and no clear thesis.
October 13, 2019
Great book to read if you are thinking about retiring
October 7, 2015
The cover of the book drew me in. And it was worth the read, especially at a time in my life when I think change is coming in various aspects of my life.
Passages that resonated with me:
-I am struck, as well, by how these big exit markers--those that are most vivid in my memory--are tinged with sadness, poignancy, a sense of defeat, even thought they all, in the end, led to something better and brighter.
-Are there steps to take, routines to be practiced, discerning questions to be posed to make our departures more bearable, revelatory, and generative? Are there rituals we might invent to light a clearer path toward the exit?
-Sometimes she feels as if Rosa knows her better than she knows herself. She is definitely less judgmental and more forgiving than Theresa is likely to be of herself.
-But a bigger part of her reticence in approaching friends is that they are used to coming to her for help and reassurance; they have always brought their worries to her, and se has always been the listener, the counselor.
-"We are people," she says passionately, "who need and thrive on connection."
-"I think of exit as a new beginning. Instead of the idea that you are closing a chapter... instead of the idea that you live life facing backward, looking behind you to see what you are leaving--I do not think of exits as the end."
-We live knowing full well that we could leave, change, be different, do something else, start anew.
-Sometimes the visible and invisible scars left over from our injuries are disabling; they hold us back, distort our self-image, compromise our strength, and make us feel ugly. We try to hid them, repress them, camouflage the pain that they represent. But scars can also signify the opposite. They can be badges of courage, signs of survive and resilience, beautiful adornments of our hard-won victory. They can remind us of our strength and our fight, and the wisdom we have earned from having endured.
-When he teaches, he becomes more articulate about what he knows, and how he knows it.
-"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is what you can do in spite of your fears. And courage is something you have to practice."
-He urges them to pay attention to the details as well as they whole, to work fast as well as deliberately, to dig into the data and transcend the numbers, to identify the many layers and pieces as well as synthesize the whole and notice the patterns, to consider the multitude of options and possibilities as well as make a clear diagnosis, a definitive decision.
-It is one thing to write down what you believe, another thing to give your views public voice, to hold yourself audibly accountable, to stand up and be counted.
-Only recently has she begun to recognize how important it is to let those you have worked with, partnered with, and given to have the opportunity to celebrate you in a way that is meaningful to them. "You owe it to them to let them raise a glass and toast you."
Passages that resonated with me:
-I am struck, as well, by how these big exit markers--those that are most vivid in my memory--are tinged with sadness, poignancy, a sense of defeat, even thought they all, in the end, led to something better and brighter.
-Are there steps to take, routines to be practiced, discerning questions to be posed to make our departures more bearable, revelatory, and generative? Are there rituals we might invent to light a clearer path toward the exit?
-Sometimes she feels as if Rosa knows her better than she knows herself. She is definitely less judgmental and more forgiving than Theresa is likely to be of herself.
-But a bigger part of her reticence in approaching friends is that they are used to coming to her for help and reassurance; they have always brought their worries to her, and se has always been the listener, the counselor.
-"We are people," she says passionately, "who need and thrive on connection."
-"I think of exit as a new beginning. Instead of the idea that you are closing a chapter... instead of the idea that you live life facing backward, looking behind you to see what you are leaving--I do not think of exits as the end."
-We live knowing full well that we could leave, change, be different, do something else, start anew.
-Sometimes the visible and invisible scars left over from our injuries are disabling; they hold us back, distort our self-image, compromise our strength, and make us feel ugly. We try to hid them, repress them, camouflage the pain that they represent. But scars can also signify the opposite. They can be badges of courage, signs of survive and resilience, beautiful adornments of our hard-won victory. They can remind us of our strength and our fight, and the wisdom we have earned from having endured.
-When he teaches, he becomes more articulate about what he knows, and how he knows it.
-"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is what you can do in spite of your fears. And courage is something you have to practice."
-He urges them to pay attention to the details as well as they whole, to work fast as well as deliberately, to dig into the data and transcend the numbers, to identify the many layers and pieces as well as synthesize the whole and notice the patterns, to consider the multitude of options and possibilities as well as make a clear diagnosis, a definitive decision.
-It is one thing to write down what you believe, another thing to give your views public voice, to hold yourself audibly accountable, to stand up and be counted.
-Only recently has she begun to recognize how important it is to let those you have worked with, partnered with, and given to have the opportunity to celebrate you in a way that is meaningful to them. "You owe it to them to let them raise a glass and toast you."
January 8, 2014
This book is great for: good examples of portraiture in literature (from a Grandmaster), stories of difficult exits, learning to empathize with those different from us.
I'm a person who has always been able to get up and leave, be it my childhood home, a place I lived for 4 years, or from a relationship that has gone sour. However, I realize in retrospect and with the help of this book that I did not respect my exits as much as I could have. My most recent exit, from the village where I served as a Peace Corps Volunteer, happened just as I needed it to, and I believe I did it in the best way for everyone. I was honest and open about needing to leave indefinitely because my unique personal culture required it, and I was honest about when I would leave, 6 months, 3 months, 3 weeks, 1 week, tomorrow. It hurt, but being honest and open allowed me to keep all my friends very close, even now that I'm far away.
Sarah L-L is an amazing portrait artist. True, she often repeats some findings, in order for you to be able to reflect on the portraits later with a greater clarity. If you can't handle the repetition, skip the few pages, she's certainly not forcing you to say - she would have you exit on your own terms!
Great for people in transition, in emotional crises, in late-life moments of decision making. I enjoyed it a lot.
I'm a person who has always been able to get up and leave, be it my childhood home, a place I lived for 4 years, or from a relationship that has gone sour. However, I realize in retrospect and with the help of this book that I did not respect my exits as much as I could have. My most recent exit, from the village where I served as a Peace Corps Volunteer, happened just as I needed it to, and I believe I did it in the best way for everyone. I was honest and open about needing to leave indefinitely because my unique personal culture required it, and I was honest about when I would leave, 6 months, 3 months, 3 weeks, 1 week, tomorrow. It hurt, but being honest and open allowed me to keep all my friends very close, even now that I'm far away.
Sarah L-L is an amazing portrait artist. True, she often repeats some findings, in order for you to be able to reflect on the portraits later with a greater clarity. If you can't handle the repetition, skip the few pages, she's certainly not forcing you to say - she would have you exit on your own terms!
Great for people in transition, in emotional crises, in late-life moments of decision making. I enjoyed it a lot.
May 26, 2012
Professor Lawrence-Lightfoot uses personal interviews and stories to illustrate how the process of exiting works in different situations, the ceremonial gestures we use to acknowledge leave-taking and to recognize for ourselves that a momentous event is occurring. The stages of "exit" are not discrete-- there is often an iterative process in how we decide to leave and when we leave, the emotions that are attached with this process and the actions we take to recognize that we are about to end something significant. We as a culture are better at celebrating beginnings and do far less to mark our endings.
The variety of the examples were interesting-- from exiting the closet, to leaving the priesthood, to transitioning out of an organization-- the focus was always on the person who was leaving and how they came to describe the process as they experienced it. However I almost wanted to hear more of the same types of exits, to see if there were further thematic commonalities. There was a tendency for Professor Lawrence-Lightfoot to reiterate and re-state her findings without necessarily shedding more insight or deepening the observations that had already been made.
The variety of the examples were interesting-- from exiting the closet, to leaving the priesthood, to transitioning out of an organization-- the focus was always on the person who was leaving and how they came to describe the process as they experienced it. However I almost wanted to hear more of the same types of exits, to see if there were further thematic commonalities. There was a tendency for Professor Lawrence-Lightfoot to reiterate and re-state her findings without necessarily shedding more insight or deepening the observations that had already been made.
March 19, 2014
TCL call number: 390 Lawrence S
Cindy's rating: 4 stars
I was scanning the new book shelf recently, and the title of this book intrigued me. It certainly is a unique perspective, looking at the various departures we make throughout our lives. Whether it's something large like leaving a job you've held for years to saying goodbye to a friend after lunch, we've all left something. I've often felt unsettled at times of transition, when I've made a decision to move on from something. Those awkward goodbyes reverberate more with me than a new start I've been looking forward to.
The author examines the narratives of 10 subjects and their exits...for example from emigration, divorce, or leaving a career. Her focus is on the ambivalence, decisions and epiphany of those leavings. In our culture that values new ventures and experiences Lawrence writes, exits "are often ignored or are invisible".
This was a thoughtful book on an interesting topic.
Cindy's rating: 4 stars
I was scanning the new book shelf recently, and the title of this book intrigued me. It certainly is a unique perspective, looking at the various departures we make throughout our lives. Whether it's something large like leaving a job you've held for years to saying goodbye to a friend after lunch, we've all left something. I've often felt unsettled at times of transition, when I've made a decision to move on from something. Those awkward goodbyes reverberate more with me than a new start I've been looking forward to.
The author examines the narratives of 10 subjects and their exits...for example from emigration, divorce, or leaving a career. Her focus is on the ambivalence, decisions and epiphany of those leavings. In our culture that values new ventures and experiences Lawrence writes, exits "are often ignored or are invisible".
This was a thoughtful book on an interesting topic.
October 13, 2013
I didn't find this as inspiring and deep as some of Lawrence-Lightfoot's other work (like the one about parent-teacher conferences that was so poignant and painful and true that I couldn't finish reading). As always, she narrates her interviewees' stories in a way that's nuanced and compelling and brings the characters to life. But this time, each narration was followed by an analysis by Lawrence-Lightfoot that was more repetitive than analytical, and I mostly skipped those.
The book did inspire me to think more about my own exits as a subject of inquiry (her description of certain exits from relationships particularly spoke to me), but unfortunately I can't say that anything I read here sparked any newer, deeper thoughts or revelations for me.
The book did inspire me to think more about my own exits as a subject of inquiry (her description of certain exits from relationships particularly spoke to me), but unfortunately I can't say that anything I read here sparked any newer, deeper thoughts or revelations for me.
May 7, 2016
I really enjoyed the content of the anecdotal sections, which were selected welland told very unique and interesting accounts of exits throughout life. I was never quite sure why Lightfoot provided summaries at the end of each anecdote -- in addition to the intro. I almost wished that this space was filled more stories of exit and the lines of similarity/ relation were saved for the final chapter. Enjoyable read that I am certain many readers will be able to relate to at many point in their lives.
May 7, 2013
This book is outstanding. The author is a highly acclaimed sociologist and a professor (Harvard) who intelligently discusses the transitions we all experience in life, whether related to work, home, relationships, and even the ultimate transition we all will take when we die. I'm now eager to read her other book about the 50-75 year age period in which many of us will embark on something altogether different. Read Exit, and take notes!
August 8, 2012
Loosely related stories about people working themselves out of difficult life circumstances. I didn't get a chance that these individuals made particular life choices about ending or leaving something behind. And I didn't really fully understand the premise that an exit was somehow different from a turning point or a new beginning.
October 1, 2013
I was looking to this book to help me understand this complex topic. Short of restating that we live in a culture which likes to celebrate beginnings, but ignores endings, I was disappointed in the thinness of the stories. The analysis in between was tiresome and pedantic. I really admire this author and love her interviews, but this book really missed the mark.
August 16, 2012
This book is very inspiring and comforting. Through portraits of unique and powerful individuals, Lawrence-Lightfoot casts exits as positive paths in life. When you exit a place or an option in your life, you also open multiple doors.
November 5, 2012
Most of the narratives were interesting, some much more so than others. The analysis was deficient and I was left with what felt like a collection of people's stories when I wanted something more that brought them together.
March 8, 2013
The intro was wonderful and made me want to invite the author to dinner. Sadly, the intro was the best part. This book, noting how exits in our lives are ritualized across a variety of contexts, would have been much better as a long essay. Darn! Double darn!
May 21, 2015
Dense. A beautiful and cohesive telling from diverse situations of the Exits, mostly chosen, and the fruits of those labored. I read this after undertaking my encore career and would have considered it a manual for making that transition gracefully and with celebrated meaning.
July 16, 2012
In light of my new job, I moved this book to the top of my list. But it wasn't at all what I expected. Rather than case studies I was hoping for more research based text.
Currently reading
July 8, 2012First woman in Harvard History to have an endowment named after her. About different kinds of loss/endings and what can happen afterwards. Interesting stories.
July 18, 2012
I am a big fan of Lawrence-Lightfoot, but was, frankly, disappointed with this book that I found perceptive at times, but very repetitive.
Want to read
September 10, 2012Added it after reading one newspaper review, but after reading the Amazon reviews I may not buy/read it.
October 2, 2012
Enh... Beyond the introduction, not much to take away.
October 4, 2012
This is no quick read, but there are some gems here for people of all ages as we transition to different seasons of life or change relationships.
October 24, 2012
Some of the stories do not really tie in with the "Exit" theme. Not what I expected.
December 11, 2012
I usually love her work, but this book seemed thin to me.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews