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Mind Whispering: A New Map to Freedom from Self-Defeating Emotional Habits
With her book Mind Whispering, Tara Bennett-Goleman, the New York Times bestselling author of Emotional Alchemy , draws on the the fields of cognitive psychology, neuroscience, and Eastern traditions to present a workable means to overcome the negative patterns in our lives.Mind Whispering is a new map of the emotional mind. This groundbreaking approach shows us that we have a choice of our moods, emotions, actions, and reactions. Mind Whispering teaches how to manage our brains, and incorporate the timeless wisdom of mindfulness into everyday situations.Ultimately, Mind Whispering exposes the modes of being that act as obstacles in our lives and relationships, and shows us how we can choose to improve our relationships and free ourselves, living with a lasting sense of happiness. With a foreword by the Dalai Lama, Bennett-Goleman's Mind A New Map to Freedom from Self-Defeating Emotional Habits gives you the keys to lasting emotional freedom.
336 pages, Unknown Binding
First published April 23, 2013
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622 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
July 31, 2013
This is a tricky one. There is good information and some lovely passages but the book is plagued with wafty prose and hazy details. I ended up annoyed and wanted to punch the editor
July 26, 2016
This was really a tale of 2 books. The first half of the book appealed to me, but I struggled to get through the second half. It was almost as if it was written by two different people. The first half seemed straightforward, and a lot of interesting information. I love the concept of the mode and reset, and how these relate to changing habits. In the second section, I found the sections relating to the frontal cortex interesting. Throughout the book, I was interested in the correlations between mind whispering and horse whispering. In the second half of the book, to me I thought there was a lot of name dropping (which seems strange in a book of this type), much more emphasis on the spiritual of mindfulness, and many short accounts of different people and events (which I felt were thrown in rapid fire, and would have been better had they been introduced throughout the book.)
All of this being said, I think this book was thought provoking and worth reading.
All of this being said, I think this book was thought provoking and worth reading.
January 5, 2016
I forgot I'd read this book. The re-read was pleasant nonetheless. Nice reminder to find our strengths. For example, if we're in the avoidant mode, the upside may be a knack for being self-contained. For the anxious mode, strengths = ensuring a sense of safety and staying connected. In the anxious mode, we can ruminate to get a clear understanding of some issue.
We are hardwired for positivity (a class of neurons are dedicated to spotting someone's smile or laugh). Playfulness is a powerful mode shifter.
In the secure mode, we're more understanding, having a larger perspective, and think more clearly. We feel stable, centered and replete. We're more responsive, less reactive. We feel connected, and are more kind and patient, viewing things more positively.
When we intentionally shift out of a negative mode, we take charge of our own brain function. In theory, the brain rewires a tiny bit each time we made a mode shift. The more we do it, the stronger that new wiring becomes, and the easier it gets -- a principle known as neuroplasticity.
Repeated practice rewires the brain. As the basal ganglia take over, that response becomes the new default option -- what we automatically do. Just a small nudge can create some breathing space or a few soft words to ourselves may open us to a wider perspective/change in attitude. With more entrenched and emotionally charged modes, the shift requires dedication and diligence.
The Tibetan words that are translated into English as 'midfulness' are drempa (literally remembering to be aware and recollect the pertinent instruction) and sesshin (knowingness or consciousness, reconnecting, presence). A third quality is bayu: applying choice wisely, how to apply a remedy in a particular situation.
Awareness is the hidden ingredient.
A mindful pause allows us to step back from immersion and be aware of what's going on.
A hug can nudge us toward a secure mode, as does just talking with someone who is caring. When we see someone in need of connection, we might help connect with their inner strength -- then we become something like each other's immune system of the heart. When someone is in the anxious mood, your mindful presence is enough, offering the safe container of the secure mode by pay full attention with heartfelt empathy. It's not advisable to say: You're in an anxious mode and try to talk them out of it. Instead, yield to a sense of calm spaciousness. A kind and caring warmth can help them feel safe, if only at the subliminal level. It invites them to find that healthy mode within themselves.
Everywhere everyone gravitates to a shared secure base.
3 types of people prime a secure mode:
- Who do you like to spend time with?
- Who do you turn to for comfort when you're upset?
- Who do you feel you can always count on?
You don't need to be i their physical presence to benefit. Just bringing them to mind can be soothing.
- May I be safe and feel secure
- May I be tolerant, patient, and kind
- May I be calm and clear
- May I be free from anxious clinging
(Reminds me of the Sanskrit - Lokah samastha sukhino bhavanthu - may all beings be happy & free)
Sati, the Pali word for mindfulness, means 'not forgetting.'
"We are not only connected, we are inseparable."
notes from 12 Jul 2013
“Don’t put your purpose before your connection.” Bob "RJ" Sadowski
There are people who act in such mildly predator-like ways all too often. They try to get their way, to dominate. In this mode, people are aggressive, self-interested, ready to take over. They can be effective in some ways -- taking bold risks, getting things done -- but at an emotional cost to those they push around.
“I want this horse to feel safe while I’m working with her so I try to stay attuned to how she might be feeling... That’s the art of this work: responding to the needs and changes of the moment and staying tuned in to that.” - Bob
If we notice the disconnects, which ordinarily occur without our realizing it, we can change course and greatly improve the quality of our communications.
MODES
Attached (I want): Greedy yearning. Grasping and clinging
Aversive (I don’t want): Negativity, anger, resentment. Sees faults, makes harsh judgments, rejects
Bewildered (I don’t understand): Feelings of confusion, agitation, indecision, indifference.
Avoidant (Stay away): Numbness. Withdrawal from people and avoidance of emotions.
Predator-like (I’m the boss; I’m special): Extreme confidence, grandiosity. Arrogance, condescension.
Prey-life (I must do whatever others want): Helplessness. Passivity and acquiescence to demands.
Perfectionist (I must meet highest standards and do my duty): Feelings of guilt and self-judgment. Duty-bound lack of spontaneity.
Secure (I am safe, capable, resilient, positive, connected): Feelings of security, repletion, happiness, openness to others. Acts with confidence and flexibility.
Mindful pauses can develop into the habit of checking our intentions and distinguishing between our choices as well as aligning our choices with what’s needed in the moment. Sprinkle the day with mindful pauses...Mindfulness acts like a mental immune system, roaming its domain to repel undesirable invaders.
ANTIDOTE TO MODES
Attached (I want): Apply restraint to impulse, be self-contained and content. Be generous and disenchanted.
Aversive (I don’t want): Be patient and accepting and empathize and understand others
Bewildered (I don’t understand): Bring clarity, investigative inquiry, a discerning attention to situations.
Anxious: Challenge exaggerated fears. Be more self-contained in relationships.
Avoidant (Stay away): Feel safe confronting intense emotions, become comfortable with intimacy and closeness
Predator-like (I’m the boss; I’m special): Empathize and consider other people’s needs and wants rather than imposing an agenda; be open to honest feedback; take responsibility rather than blame others.
Prey-life (I must do whatever others want): Be assertive in expressing your needs and rights strongly and clearly. Connect with your own preference.
Perfectionist: Relax and be more accepting of yourself and others. Be more spontaneous. Balance productivity with taking care of yourself.
If we find partners who are sensitive, responsive and caring, having repeated secure-base experiences with them can be reparative, making us more able to be there for other people in our lives.
We can also look inward. Build the foundation of a secure mode on our own and become that source of nurturance for ourselves.
“I wish I could show, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own Being.”
- Hafiz
We are hardwired for positivity (a class of neurons are dedicated to spotting someone's smile or laugh). Playfulness is a powerful mode shifter.
In the secure mode, we're more understanding, having a larger perspective, and think more clearly. We feel stable, centered and replete. We're more responsive, less reactive. We feel connected, and are more kind and patient, viewing things more positively.
When we intentionally shift out of a negative mode, we take charge of our own brain function. In theory, the brain rewires a tiny bit each time we made a mode shift. The more we do it, the stronger that new wiring becomes, and the easier it gets -- a principle known as neuroplasticity.
Repeated practice rewires the brain. As the basal ganglia take over, that response becomes the new default option -- what we automatically do. Just a small nudge can create some breathing space or a few soft words to ourselves may open us to a wider perspective/change in attitude. With more entrenched and emotionally charged modes, the shift requires dedication and diligence.
The Tibetan words that are translated into English as 'midfulness' are drempa (literally remembering to be aware and recollect the pertinent instruction) and sesshin (knowingness or consciousness, reconnecting, presence). A third quality is bayu: applying choice wisely, how to apply a remedy in a particular situation.
Awareness is the hidden ingredient.
A mindful pause allows us to step back from immersion and be aware of what's going on.
A hug can nudge us toward a secure mode, as does just talking with someone who is caring. When we see someone in need of connection, we might help connect with their inner strength -- then we become something like each other's immune system of the heart. When someone is in the anxious mood, your mindful presence is enough, offering the safe container of the secure mode by pay full attention with heartfelt empathy. It's not advisable to say: You're in an anxious mode and try to talk them out of it. Instead, yield to a sense of calm spaciousness. A kind and caring warmth can help them feel safe, if only at the subliminal level. It invites them to find that healthy mode within themselves.
Everywhere everyone gravitates to a shared secure base.
3 types of people prime a secure mode:
- Who do you like to spend time with?
- Who do you turn to for comfort when you're upset?
- Who do you feel you can always count on?
You don't need to be i their physical presence to benefit. Just bringing them to mind can be soothing.
- May I be safe and feel secure
- May I be tolerant, patient, and kind
- May I be calm and clear
- May I be free from anxious clinging
(Reminds me of the Sanskrit - Lokah samastha sukhino bhavanthu - may all beings be happy & free)
Sati, the Pali word for mindfulness, means 'not forgetting.'
"We are not only connected, we are inseparable."
notes from 12 Jul 2013
“Don’t put your purpose before your connection.” Bob "RJ" Sadowski
There are people who act in such mildly predator-like ways all too often. They try to get their way, to dominate. In this mode, people are aggressive, self-interested, ready to take over. They can be effective in some ways -- taking bold risks, getting things done -- but at an emotional cost to those they push around.
“I want this horse to feel safe while I’m working with her so I try to stay attuned to how she might be feeling... That’s the art of this work: responding to the needs and changes of the moment and staying tuned in to that.” - Bob
If we notice the disconnects, which ordinarily occur without our realizing it, we can change course and greatly improve the quality of our communications.
MODES
Attached (I want): Greedy yearning. Grasping and clinging
Aversive (I don’t want): Negativity, anger, resentment. Sees faults, makes harsh judgments, rejects
Bewildered (I don’t understand): Feelings of confusion, agitation, indecision, indifference.
Avoidant (Stay away): Numbness. Withdrawal from people and avoidance of emotions.
Predator-like (I’m the boss; I’m special): Extreme confidence, grandiosity. Arrogance, condescension.
Prey-life (I must do whatever others want): Helplessness. Passivity and acquiescence to demands.
Perfectionist (I must meet highest standards and do my duty): Feelings of guilt and self-judgment. Duty-bound lack of spontaneity.
Secure (I am safe, capable, resilient, positive, connected): Feelings of security, repletion, happiness, openness to others. Acts with confidence and flexibility.
Mindful pauses can develop into the habit of checking our intentions and distinguishing between our choices as well as aligning our choices with what’s needed in the moment. Sprinkle the day with mindful pauses...Mindfulness acts like a mental immune system, roaming its domain to repel undesirable invaders.
ANTIDOTE TO MODES
Attached (I want): Apply restraint to impulse, be self-contained and content. Be generous and disenchanted.
Aversive (I don’t want): Be patient and accepting and empathize and understand others
Bewildered (I don’t understand): Bring clarity, investigative inquiry, a discerning attention to situations.
Anxious: Challenge exaggerated fears. Be more self-contained in relationships.
Avoidant (Stay away): Feel safe confronting intense emotions, become comfortable with intimacy and closeness
Predator-like (I’m the boss; I’m special): Empathize and consider other people’s needs and wants rather than imposing an agenda; be open to honest feedback; take responsibility rather than blame others.
Prey-life (I must do whatever others want): Be assertive in expressing your needs and rights strongly and clearly. Connect with your own preference.
Perfectionist: Relax and be more accepting of yourself and others. Be more spontaneous. Balance productivity with taking care of yourself.
If we find partners who are sensitive, responsive and caring, having repeated secure-base experiences with them can be reparative, making us more able to be there for other people in our lives.
We can also look inward. Build the foundation of a secure mode on our own and become that source of nurturance for ourselves.
“I wish I could show, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own Being.”
- Hafiz
May 21, 2013
Bennett-Goleman writes in beautiful prose about interesting fields, but fails to truly integrate Buddhism, psychology, and horse whispering. Even the transitions between paragraphs remain thoroughly disjointed. I preferred her book Emotional Alchemy, even though I usually appreciate when an author widens her approach.
September 8, 2013
I nearly left this book unfinished. That I was on page 120 and still having those thoughts might tell you that I'm overly optimistic about bad books getting better. Fifty pages of unhappy reading is what most readers seem to be willing to put up with before they call it quits. In this case, my tenacity turned out to be a good idea.
Tara Bennett-Goleman, along with her husband, Daniel Goleman (he of Emotional Intelligence fame), are long-time Buddhist practitioners. They also are respected psychotherapists and teachers, and have long advocated the value of integrating Western and Eastern practices in therapeutic work. In Mind Whispering, Bennett-Goleman adds a new piece to the argument. She recounts her experiences with a "horse-whisperer" who helps her to work more effectively and happily with her horse by teaching her to communicate in the animal's language (hence "mind whispering)."
In those first 120 pages, the author writes a lot about "modes," an aspect of a therapeutic model called schema therapy. To put it (overly) simply, modes can be compared to outlooks on life that cause us to fall into unhealthy repetitive patterns. Although as a therapist Bennett-Goleman may think it crucial to differentiate "modes" from other terms with which those of us who took Psychology 101 in high school or college are already familiar, writing about them so extensively added nothing to my understanding of her main thesis. Instead, I was bored and frustrated. To me, it seems a case of a therapist who is very excited about schema therapy and who got a titch over-enthusiastic when it was time to write.
I also admit a strong resistance to the term "Mind Whispering," and I have no doubt that it colored my initial reaction. In fact, even after I finished the book (with a much better view of the rest of it), I still felt that it detracted from the good and useful things Bennett-Goleman had to say. And she does say useful things. She focuses, unsurprisingly, on building awareness of self-defeating mind-patterns and learning to replace them with more realistic ones. She makes the case for the value of mindfulness meditation--and offers supporting scientific evidence--to create space in which to do this; she also counsels us on how to start untangling the knots into which we often twist our thoughts, to our detriment. She even does a nice job of using her work with her horse as a metaphor for healthy communication. Overall, she does exactly what she sets out to do: to help the reader understand and appreciate how these various practices work together and enhance each other, and she does so credibly from the perspective of Western culture.
Just be forewarned. Unless you're coming to this topic completely fresh, you may want to skim through the first third of the book.
Tara Bennett-Goleman, along with her husband, Daniel Goleman (he of Emotional Intelligence fame), are long-time Buddhist practitioners. They also are respected psychotherapists and teachers, and have long advocated the value of integrating Western and Eastern practices in therapeutic work. In Mind Whispering, Bennett-Goleman adds a new piece to the argument. She recounts her experiences with a "horse-whisperer" who helps her to work more effectively and happily with her horse by teaching her to communicate in the animal's language (hence "mind whispering)."
In those first 120 pages, the author writes a lot about "modes," an aspect of a therapeutic model called schema therapy. To put it (overly) simply, modes can be compared to outlooks on life that cause us to fall into unhealthy repetitive patterns. Although as a therapist Bennett-Goleman may think it crucial to differentiate "modes" from other terms with which those of us who took Psychology 101 in high school or college are already familiar, writing about them so extensively added nothing to my understanding of her main thesis. Instead, I was bored and frustrated. To me, it seems a case of a therapist who is very excited about schema therapy and who got a titch over-enthusiastic when it was time to write.
I also admit a strong resistance to the term "Mind Whispering," and I have no doubt that it colored my initial reaction. In fact, even after I finished the book (with a much better view of the rest of it), I still felt that it detracted from the good and useful things Bennett-Goleman had to say. And she does say useful things. She focuses, unsurprisingly, on building awareness of self-defeating mind-patterns and learning to replace them with more realistic ones. She makes the case for the value of mindfulness meditation--and offers supporting scientific evidence--to create space in which to do this; she also counsels us on how to start untangling the knots into which we often twist our thoughts, to our detriment. She even does a nice job of using her work with her horse as a metaphor for healthy communication. Overall, she does exactly what she sets out to do: to help the reader understand and appreciate how these various practices work together and enhance each other, and she does so credibly from the perspective of Western culture.
Just be forewarned. Unless you're coming to this topic completely fresh, you may want to skim through the first third of the book.
June 28, 2015
I really liked the book, it's true that it's very connected to "Emotional Alchemy" which was a truly great book, of the same author.
In this book Tara Bennet-Goleman expose the unconscious mind structures in a very clarifying way, using very close and understandable examples of clients, friends or even herself. It is a book written for a wide range of audience, the users and the psychotherapists (or coaches) are the most beneficed by the clear point of view and degree of authenticity of the writer who make clear all her theories with a no-therapeutic language, simple but profound.
She combines Mindfulness and easter psychology with horse whispering techniques, neuroscience and cognitive therapy. I think this book will be useful for the therapist who want to apply several effective methods to help their patients as well as for anyone who want to improve their life, understanding their own mind mechanism and empathizing with others at the same time.
This book is also available as auidio-book which I consider it's a great idea as well.
Unfortunately for spanish audience, I couldn't find any edition of this book, I encourage to the editorials and author, to launch it in Spanish language.
In this book Tara Bennet-Goleman expose the unconscious mind structures in a very clarifying way, using very close and understandable examples of clients, friends or even herself. It is a book written for a wide range of audience, the users and the psychotherapists (or coaches) are the most beneficed by the clear point of view and degree of authenticity of the writer who make clear all her theories with a no-therapeutic language, simple but profound.
She combines Mindfulness and easter psychology with horse whispering techniques, neuroscience and cognitive therapy. I think this book will be useful for the therapist who want to apply several effective methods to help their patients as well as for anyone who want to improve their life, understanding their own mind mechanism and empathizing with others at the same time.
This book is also available as auidio-book which I consider it's a great idea as well.
Unfortunately for spanish audience, I couldn't find any edition of this book, I encourage to the editorials and author, to launch it in Spanish language.
January 5, 2022
Perhaps b/c I just finished Letting Go and Becoming by Marianne Williamson, this didn't have as great of an impact on me. It was good in spurts, but overall it was unsatisfying. Tara's reflections on her work with horses made sense, but often times her tales of travels and dance circles made me groan. It felt as if she was trying to pack every boho trip she'd taken into her teaching, and it felt out of place. While Williamson can be too religious for some non-believers, she felt more practical and modern to me. Tara's approach felt more new age and seemed less pragmatic, although she doesn't mention a higher power. I think if you're looking for more instruction on how to live in the present, go with Williamson, but if you're spiritual IQ is high and you like zen gurus, this will do.
August 31, 2014
Eh, not too fond of this book. "Emotional Alchemy" was much better than this one. Part one of "Mind Whispering" was pretty interesting as she analyzes different types of modes, but part two was boring and redundant. Part three was a mixture of part one and two.
December 25, 2015
If it were an option I'd rate this a 3.5. The information and ideas are useful.
December 11, 2019
This was as insightful a read as it was difficult, and after lots of starts and stops, I finally managed to finish it. I'm actually giving it 3.5 stars because, again, it was a slow read, and could've benefited from a tighter structure. That said, this is one of those books that you just have to read because every page is filled with invaluable insights and wisdom.
The basic idea is that each of us is operating from a "mode", and being aware of when we're in a negative/positive mode allows us to have more space from which we can then choose a better response. The mode concept applies not just to individuals but also to relationships and groups, which I thought was fascinating and explains a lot of relationship dynamics.
I'll be updating this with my notes on the major take-aways from this book soon.
The basic idea is that each of us is operating from a "mode", and being aware of when we're in a negative/positive mode allows us to have more space from which we can then choose a better response. The mode concept applies not just to individuals but also to relationships and groups, which I thought was fascinating and explains a lot of relationship dynamics.
I'll be updating this with my notes on the major take-aways from this book soon.
January 31, 2018
Potentially good work for people who've not been exposed to much psychology or Buddhist thought. However, it covered a lot of material I'd already been exposed to in other works, and it wasn't captivating enough for me to continue. Some of the insights from working with horses are interesting and would appeal to people who like horses.
June 29, 2018
This is quite a thought provoking book for one to reflect on our inner motivations in our relations to the world.
Personally I find the the second part onwards has really too much mention and repetition on horse whispering.
Personally I find the the second part onwards has really too much mention and repetition on horse whispering.
October 30, 2017
Worth to reread!
February 24, 2017
Such interesting thoughts. I loved learning about horse whispering. I'd like to listen again sometime and f further my meditation skills
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 9, 2020
This book is definitely one to reread and to read again. Totally brought to light some serious realizations. Sparked a thought process.
September 27, 2013
It's wonderful when you read a book and not only do you really connect with it, but it helps you to grow as a person You learn how to classify your modes, where they came from, what triggers them, and most importantly, how to stop the negative ones. I've been working on it and it does work. Any book about peace and positive aspects is #1 in my book.
January 5, 2017
A good book with many different stories to collectively convey the message of mindfulness. The author provides a good amount of personal experiences with different perspectives that can result to widening the understanding of a situation.
August 19, 2013
very good , 4.6. Psychology book on mindfulness with inclusion of some horse whispering techniques.
January 9, 2014
Don't know if I can finish this book...
Read
October 2, 2014Actually need to finish this book, very interesting premise
March 1, 2019
slow to read but excellent
January 1, 2022
Excellent book!
August 7, 2014
very insightful.
December 6, 2015
It talks alot about horses. I like horses : )
April 21, 2017
Audiobook. So-so narration, hard to tell the quality because I listened to it sped up as the book is too long.
This book takes some concepts from psychology, buddhism and meditation and marries it with horse whispering. The metaphor that is the thesis (handle the behaviour of your mind like a horse whisper handle horses) is clunky, and whenever you reach the horse whisper parts they feel tacked on to have a good title. But aside from that, it did a good job of laying the groundwork teaching of why and how to think about your mind. It could have used some stronger editing and less anecodotes about her life.
What I found particularly useful as I have through many of the other meditation books I've read is the idea that through meditation you are training your overwatch who's job it is to be aware of how you are thinking so you can change thought patterns (like CBT).
The concept I found unique was the idea that your mind can get caught in a mode and then everything else is coloured by it. The modes are a negative adaption to scenarios, and when you identify a mode there are specific remedies you can take to break the loop. You want to break the loop because your mind gets better at thinking in whatever way you are using it, eg: if you are in perfectionist mode a lot of the time than you are practicing falling into that mode more easily. And it works in reverse, the more you practice breaking from a mode the easier it gets to do so in the future. The negative modes are: attached, aversive, bewildered, avoidant, predator-like, prey-like, perfectionist. The goal is to move from the negative modes to the secure mode where you act with confidence and flexibility.
This book takes some concepts from psychology, buddhism and meditation and marries it with horse whispering. The metaphor that is the thesis (handle the behaviour of your mind like a horse whisper handle horses) is clunky, and whenever you reach the horse whisper parts they feel tacked on to have a good title. But aside from that, it did a good job of laying the groundwork teaching of why and how to think about your mind. It could have used some stronger editing and less anecodotes about her life.
What I found particularly useful as I have through many of the other meditation books I've read is the idea that through meditation you are training your overwatch who's job it is to be aware of how you are thinking so you can change thought patterns (like CBT).
The concept I found unique was the idea that your mind can get caught in a mode and then everything else is coloured by it. The modes are a negative adaption to scenarios, and when you identify a mode there are specific remedies you can take to break the loop. You want to break the loop because your mind gets better at thinking in whatever way you are using it, eg: if you are in perfectionist mode a lot of the time than you are practicing falling into that mode more easily. And it works in reverse, the more you practice breaking from a mode the easier it gets to do so in the future. The negative modes are: attached, aversive, bewildered, avoidant, predator-like, prey-like, perfectionist. The goal is to move from the negative modes to the secure mode where you act with confidence and flexibility.
MODES
Attached (I want): Greedy yearning. Grasping and clinging
Aversive (I don’t want): Negativity, anger, resentment. Sees faults, makes harsh judgments, rejects
Bewildered (I don’t understand): Feelings of confusion, agitation, indecision, indifference.
Avoidant (Stay away): Numbness. Withdrawal from people and avoidance of emotions.
Predator-like (I’m the boss; I’m special): Extreme confidence, grandiosity. Arrogance, condescension.
Prey-life (I must do whatever others want): Helplessness. Passivity and acquiescence to demands.
Perfectionist (I must meet highest standards and do my duty): Feelings of guilt and self-judgment. Duty-bound lack of spontaneity.
Secure (I am safe, capable, resilient, positive, connected): Feelings of security, repletion, happiness, openness to others. Acts with confidence and flexibility.
ANTIDOTE TO MODES
Attached (I want): Apply restraint to impulse, be self-contained and content. Be generous and disenchanted.
Aversive (I don’t want): Be patient and accepting and empathize and understand others
Bewildered (I don’t understand): Bring clarity, investigative inquiry, a discerning attention to situations.
Anxious: Challenge exaggerated fears. Be more self-contained in relationships.
Avoidant (Stay away): Feel safe confronting intense emotions, become comfortable with intimacy and closeness
Predator-like (I’m the boss; I’m special): Empathize and consider other people’s needs and wants rather than imposing an agenda; be open to honest feedback; take responsibility rather than blame others.
Prey-life (I must do whatever others want): Be assertive in expressing your needs and rights strongly and clearly. Connect with your own preference.
Perfectionist: Relax and be more accepting of yourself and others. Be more spontaneous. Balance productivity with taking care of yourself.
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews