If all is not yet lost, it certainly will be very soon, for I do not know how to live.
I haven’t come across a text this close to my condition since seeing Louis Malle’s The Fire Within. Here, Karásek depicts an inner journey of monastic solitude and spiritual nihilism as their protagonist searches for meaning, and seeks answers to the reason why they no longer feel alive.
He was not capable of living. He was not born for life, as a blind man is not born to see. He tried in vain to enter life, yet was destined to stand outside of it.
Unfortunately, the book, at times, is a little too mired in the decadent tropes of the time (I say “unfortunately” because the protagonist’s condition is universal beyond any genre). The religious reflections are historically interesting, if passé, for we are now in a period of atheistic ascent. However, Karásek’s concern that there’s no feeling without faith is even more pertinent to the present moment, for there seems to be no faith left—even in humanity—in this godless, egocentric, materialist world we now inhabit.
The prose itself is rather simple. Nothing really elevates it other than the emotion of the protagonist’s despair. But that’s ok as Karásek is mostly concerned with meaning here. Regrettably, though, there is no real resolution, and the ending itself is incredibly underwhelming.
I have never known what it means to live. I have considered my vices to be virtues, my laziness to be work, myself to be a paragon and everything else a caricature.
On the other hand, the author’s introduction was rather commendable. In it, Karásek advocates for inner life art (the kind I’m most drawn to) rather than plots revolving around physical action and exterior reality. They say, for example: “Biographies are abominable: they relate insignificant details about significant people. Only autobiographies are tolerable, and only when they disdain reality. For autobiographies offer so many opportunities to portray the soul, and so much freedom to ignore reality and to create a work of art from one’s own life.” Moreover, Karásek makes a nice distinction between illusory suffering (i.e., suffering created not by reality but by one’s inner self) and suffering in real life, as the protagonist’s fear is really a fear of themself and the impossibility of escaping themself and transcending their condition. During the initial reception of the novel, the protagonist was deemed to be pathological and abnormal, but Karásek normalises the protagonist’s condition by responding: “It has been forgotten that some may feel almost the same anxiety when confronted by the normal as others feel when confronted by the abnormal.” For even if the protagonist’s life is not commonplace, it doesn’t make it any less true.
Day after day passed. He lost track of time. He only felt himself ageing. And as time passed, he grew colder. The world that appeared before his eyes was no longer the world of his youth.
There is also an undercurrent of repressed homosexuality throughout the text. Being originally published in the year 1900, homosexuality was shunned and criminalised at that time. So while it is daring to display same-sex desire so openly in a text during that period, I feel that the protagonist’s potential solution to their condition (a communion of two souls) is somewhat misattributed to their sexuality. Community and love are indeed important, even more so when it’s so ubiquitously repressed, but if the main character really felt dead inside, then I believe this too would be just another illusion like all the rest.
He yearned to speak with someone alive, rather than merely crying out into emptiness. He yearned to speak the ancient words about old longings and dreams. Old truths, even if they were now nothing but illusions.
He wanted to speak intimately with anyone at all. To forget trivial pursuits and to love. Everyone. To love everything about them. Simply not to want to scrutinise everything!
It was an enemy of man who invented the maxim: “Know thyself.” That is the same as saying: “Despise thyself."