Deranged Marriage

by Sushi Das

An affectionate, often hilarious, memoir of growing up in London in the 1970s in an Indian household, and avoiding an arranged marriage.

Genres: Book Club, Nonfiction, Biography, Autobiography

304 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2012

Reviews

[Lia · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read and insight into Indian culture.

[Monique Mulligan · Rating 4 out of 5]

“From the age of fourteen, I was aware my parents expected me to have an arranged marriage, a big Bollywood wedding. There was just one hitch: nobody asked me.” – Sushi Das

How many of you can relate to that statement? I remember speaking with a young Lebanese girl in the 1990s about her impending arranged marriage; in this one-off conversation she let slip her anxiety about what lay ahead and the fact that she wanted to marry the man she was seeing secretly. Reading Sushi Das’ memoir about growing up in the 1970s in an Indian household, knowing that an arranged marriage was expected, triggered memories of the young girl I met who was facing a similar situation two decades later. I never did find out what happened in the end.

Das grew up in 1970s London – a culturally messed-up time. Feminists were telling women they could be whatever they wanted, skinheads were yelling at foreigners to go home and punk music was urging revolt. Amid the social upheaval, Das was trapped by Indian tradition – and a looming arranged marriage she would do almost anything to avoid. But how do you turn your back on centuries of tradition without trashing your family's honour? How do you escape your parents' stranglehold without casting off their embrace? And how do you explain to your strict dad why there's a boy smoking in his living room and another one lurking in the garden?

“I wanted to grab the girl and shake her by the shoulders. I wanted to shout at her, ‘No, don’t do it. Don’t place yourself permanently in the custody of men. You belong to your father right now. But soon you belong to your husband and then, when you are old, you will belong to your sons. You will never belong to yourself.” – Sushi Das

Arranged marriage is not the only thing Das rebels against. She goes to pubs when she’s supposed to be at the theatre, attends university where she smokes pot, drinks and studies journalism, embraces feminism and marries a non-Indian man. In turn, her parents struggle against what Das describes as a shifting landscape, with change sweeping through the family in an inevitable wave.

Deranged Marriage is a self-deprecating look at how Das tried to avoid the expected arranged marriage, ultimately by moving to Australia. Her insight to Eastern traditions is by turns funny and informative. Reading about annual husband-worship ceremonies, the differing expectations for Indian girls and boys, and the fact that marriage was often motivated by a wish for economic prosperity rather than love was eye-opening and had me laughing aloud on more than one occasion. Her depiction of her tradition-bound mother was particularly funny, but in an affectionate way – in fact, her affection for her family, despite her desire to break free, is never in doubt. It’s one of the things I liked most about this memoir.

Laugh out loud with a thoughtful, serious edge, Deranged Marriage promotes tolerance of different cultural and personal values as well as awareness of everything that shapes a person. Recommended reading for those who enjoy a good memoir.

For more of my reviews, see www.writenotereviews.com

[J.L. Whitaker · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a book club book, so it's not likely I would have chosen it for myself. In fact, I put off reading it until the weekend before our discussion (my normal behaviour, truth be told).

Once I started, it was hard to put down. The story of a different culture in recent history, certainly my lifetime, is often tricky, but there was a lot in here I could relate to. Conservative values of one generation shifting through the speed of disruptions that lead to conflict in families. Tick. Migrating to another country. Tick. Rebuilding a life in a new career. Tick. Australia (eventually). Tick.

This is an autobiography by a skilled writer. The tone is right for the subject, and humour is sprinkled throughout.

On the down side, there were a few slow bits of repetition that wouldn't have been missed.

If you like reading life stories, I believe you would enjoy this one.

[Vanessa Edwards · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book. It's easy to read and despite not being of Indian descent, very easy to relate to. Australia is a multicultural society, so I'm sure we have all had friends who lead a western type of public life at the same time as a traditional life within the closed doors of homes and family units.
I have recommended this book to my teenage daughters who will enjoy the author's brutally honest and often humorous insight into family relationships, focusing on traditional values. Forced teenage marriage is a huge social issue that does not get enough airtime!

[Daizy Maan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading this book! As a Punjabi Australian woman there was so much in this book that I could relate to and I love how Sushi adds humour to the way she makes sense of her life. Each chapter will have you laughing at least once with candid stories. It goes into topics of racism, Indian culture and of course marriage through Sushi's personal experience. There were times I couldn't put this book down, so worth reading, epecially for any South Asian women navigating growing up with traditional parents.

[Rajdeep Singh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely fantastic memoir - hits home and very relatable.
If you're Indian in any way, shape or form, this novel hits the nail on the head.
Das' breakdown of the Indian psyche and explanations of how it embodies itself in all Indian families is spot on.
Read it all in one sitting, definitely an easy read.
Would recommend 10/10

[Preet Kaur · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe because I can relate to myself. I just loved this book.

[Shikha Malviya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very well written, hilarious, witty and brutally honest

[The Bookish Gardener · Rating 2 out of 5]

My summer reading pile always surprises me. I tend to grab a few things based on vague interests and then I line them up, read the first page of each and put them in order to read.
Having travelled to India twice, the first time resulting in a memoir I still am tweaking, I was instantly drawn to Sushi Das's title and cover design and looked forward to the delights it would bring.
Born in London to traditional Indian parents, Das's journey is similar to friends and acquaintances I have known. Torn between wanting their own world, and respecting the old.
I love to read books with similar themes to those of my life writers, to be able to share others' insights and to gain a greater appreciation for my own understanding as both a reader and a person on the outside looking in.
Das spends a lot of time giving the background information about her parents, her childhood and her family and by the half way mark I was hungry for some testing the boundaries action.
The first part of the book was like how her life was meant to be. The second half was what her life became.
I went into this book looking for insight, familiarity and connection. I wasn't disappointed. But I am greedy. I wanted more. To me there were chunky gaps, ten years, twelve years. After sticking with all the info about the olds and the trials of living at home, I was hoping for a bit more detail and continuity in her personal timeline.
Whether these gaps were for brevity, or privacy, I am not sure, but it took me out of the story as I wondered what had transpired in between.
This is still a good book that I will recommend to my writers and I am sure it will generate interesting discussion as to how much to include or leave out, where and when.

[Neha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I inhaled this. Das writes with a level of detail that brings her family to life, I feel like I know every member of her family now (probably also because they remind me so much of my own). Highly recommend, especially for South Asians!

[Anupama · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Singer_SA · Rating 3 out of 5]

Somewhat facile memoir of a girl/woman from Indian heritage brought up in England, facing the dual issues of the traditional expectations of her Indian parents and racism in various guises. It centres around the expectation of an 'arranged marriage' and the cultural background to that within the Punjabi community and the loss of face of the parents if she refuses such an arrangement - which she does! Her younger sister accepts the man, who becomes a wealthy medic, and lives an apparently serene life with him. Meanwhile the rebellious sister goes off the rails at university, drinking and not studying hard. She meets a fellow student, falls 'in love' and decides to marry him. Her parents and family find it hard to reconcile with this. They end up in Australia and manage reasonably well, but distanced from her family. After many years she divorces him and there is a reconciliation of sorts with the parents and sister [by then in the USA]. She is plagued by self-doubt pretty much throughout the book about the effect of her decision on the parents, their loss of face in the Punjabi community in the UK, etc. I didn't really enjoy the book but it was revealing about these sorts of issues in the Indian expat community - and especially about 'forced' marriages which still continue in some communities.

[Cassie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had trouble putting this book down. I read it at traffic lights, in the bathroom, while waiting for my computer to startup... always wanting to know what was going to happen next.

Sushi Das's entertaining and enlightening memoir focuses on the future unknown arranged marriage that was always hanging over her head as a girl growing up in Britain in a traditional Indian family and her eventual move to Australia.

Things don't go according to plan for the author or her family. Her family expects her to accept an arranged marriage, despite her British upbringing, because that's what everyone in her family has always done. It's obvious how much her family love and care for her, and how bewildering it is to everyone when someone wants to do things differently from how they've always been done.

I know Sushi's writing for The Age, but it was lovely to see the depth and personal experience of the woman behind those articles. She also writes about the issue of forced marriage (which is different to arranged marriage) and how society and culture can coerce people into accepting arranged marriages they would rather not.

I would recommend this to anyone, especially people trying to understand Indian culture or how arranged marriages are supposed to work in theory.

[Banafsheh Serov · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the story of Sushila, growing up in a strict Indian family, struggling to break the barriers of arranged marriage which her culture demands.

Generally, it's a good insight into second generation migrant kids growing up with two cultures: one at home and fiercely defended by their parents and the other, their adopted country. These kids, navigating between the two, not fully belonging to either, forge their own culture (a melting pot of the two).

Although on the decline by immigrants in the west, arranged marriages are still widely practiced. There is genuine attempt by Das throughout the book to put forth arguments for and against the practice.

A pleasant book with some light moments of culture clash and I might have even considered it groundbreaking had I been completly ignorant of the practice.

[Jenny · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely an interesting read, if not a bit slow to start. Das takes us through a very challenging upbringing highlighting the difficulties of growing up in an Indian family where there are defined expected behaviours. Sushi is rebellious and throughout her life pushed the boundaries of what was expected of her causing her family much pain and disharmony. She definitely trod her own path while still recognising the anguish this caused. Throughout her memoir there is much self reflection and in the end there is resolution and a return to her parents favour. It raises the debate of arranged marriages and explains strict cultural beliefs and customs. It also provides much insight into racism and multiculturalism in Australia and England. It takes us through times of significant political unrest and terrorist acts. Will make for an interesting discussion.

[Olwen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous read! The cover made me pause before picking it up but the story inside is so worthwhile. It sets out in gritty reality what it's like to be the daughter of migrants who are passionately trying to apply their marriage customs from India to a daughter brought up in Britain. A very headstrong daughter!

I found myself cheering on the author as much as I felt great sorrow for the parents who had to make the painful decisions that could potentially ostracise them from the small Indian community of migrants around them.

If you've ever wondered what it's really like being the daughter of migrants and trying to straddle the two cultures, this is the book for you.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I expected a light-hearted memoir, a bit of holiday reading, and some of Deranged Marriage fit the bill. But I was surprised at how unflinching and confrontational Sushi Das was about her parents' traditions. Surprised in an impressed way, that is. This was eminently readable and a bit of an eye-opener, and I read the vast bulk of it (not that it's vastly bulky) in one lazy day.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very honest look into this family in the telling of Sushi's decision to step away from the cultural path her parents planned for her. I'm not sure that us 'westerners' really understand the grit needed to do this. Sushi's Mum and Dad sound like very fine people indeed. I zipped through it and even found myself reading it while brushing my teeth, a record.

[Jacqui · Rating 3 out of 5]

The intriguing autobiography of a woman trapped in her culture, trapped in a foreign culture and the tricky navigation it takes to find her own path in the world. A fascinating insight into the struggles of immigrants. I can now have compassion for my neighbours who are facing the same challenges.

[Sally Tsang · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read. Humorous and insightful reflections on Indian traditions and family relationships - especially that intangible kind between a parent and a child. Easy to read and identify with, at the same time deep and thoughtful, with deliberate use of words. A positive experience and recommended.

[Chee Chee · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written memoir, brutally honest but also very funny! Anyone who lives between two cultures or knows about the migrant experience will find a lot they can relate to in this book. Highly recommended.

[Marg · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

Indian ex-pat

[Shriya P · Rating 4 out of 5]

What if you were told that when you grew up you’d have an arranged marriage and there was nothing you could do to stop it? Sounds pretty scary doesn’t it?
In the book Deranged Marriage, we follow the true life story of Sushi Das, as we embark through the encounters of her childhood and teenage life. Sushi grows up in London in the 1970s which happened to mark the beginning of a culturally changing time. Being the oldest child of two Indian-immigrant parents she is constantly torn between being the so called “perfect Indian daughter” her parents want her to be, and being the young and intrepid person that she truly is. In the book it says, “I felt a profound uneasiness, a creeping anxiety that all my problems stemmed from being a brown girl in a white world…. I wanted to speak freely, to question the world, to mock the prevailing orthodoxy” (Das 14). After growing up in the Western world and being exposed to all the dynamic changes of society, it became increasingly difficult for Sushi to adapt to the orthodox world that her parents had crafted so carefully. I mean after being put through a British schooling system for 12 years on top of experiencing British culture and having British friends, it only makes sense that the idea of an arranged marriage seems completely preposterous.
Throughout the book Sushi explains a multitude of different customs that root from Hindu and Indian culture. As she learns that these morals and beliefs simply don’t line up with hers and amount to a life that she doesn’t want to live, her thrive to escape from this tightly bound path only increases. And I don’t think Sushi is the only one who thinks that a life which entails being married of to a stranger and slaving away at a wicked mother-in-law’s feet isn’t exactly… glamorous.
When I was reading the book I honestly didn’t want to put it down. You find yourself rooting for Sushi’s happiness and I think that’s what really makes the book such a good read. Though it may not be laced with constant cliffhangers, the plot itself is still one that just makes you never want to stop reading it.
But I didn’t just love the book because the story itself was an engaging one, I also loved it because I could relate to this book so easily. Though my situation is not as dire as being forced into an arranged marriage, being the first-generation-Asian-immigrant child that I am, many of the pressures she faces at home are ones that I can understand on a very personal level. In the book Sushi talks about how her and her sister Vin were raised, “Vin and I had an exceptionally disciplined upbringing: we were instructed to speak respectfully to elders, discouraged from pursuing careers that involved music or dance and ordered to dress modestly…” (Das 24-25). I’m sure that there are millions upon millions of people that could mull over how REAL this struggle is. I know that especially in Asian culture ideologies like this are heavily pushed onto kids. I’m at this constant crossroads just like Sushi; on how to talk, how to act or even just how to be. It’s very hard to decide between doing what you want versus what your parents want. Especially with immigrant parents. Knowing that they’d worked so hard to bring you a comfortable life and made massive sacrifices for you, it’s just so difficult to know what to do. So do you just go along with whatever they say then?
Reading about experiences that Sushi Das had that seem so similar to ones that I have gone through in my life growing up and even still really interested me. Despite the cultural background of a reader, anyone can relate to this book easily and this just makes it all the more lovable.
I hope you take the opportunity to read this wonderful book because it truly informs you on how a lot of the issues the existed at the time of this book, the 1970s, are still existent today. With her sarcastic and cutting-edge humor, Sushi Das makes you fall in love with the book Deranged Marriage. So if you’re looking for a spectacular book, this might just be the one.

[Rachel Z · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a woman, meaning that I do not get to make my own decisions, that I belong to someone else, that I am expected to be obedient and compliant. Although I myself do not struggle with these issues, being privileged enough to live in a time and place where gender biases barely exist, these statements are very true for some women around the world. Women around the world are fighting for their right to have voice, to be seen as equal rather than belongings of men.
In the book Deranged Marriage, the author Sushi Das describes the gender biases that her culture has, that “...boys are best” (Das 52) in Indian culture. Boys are encouraged to be experimental and to be brave and stand out, the same is not for girls in Indian culture. Her parents, who are immigrants from India, desire her to be everything that she is not, they desire for her everything she does not want. They wanted her to be perfect wife material, to be less outspoken and obedient...everything that she was not and did not want. She wanted to live the Western lifestyle, she wanted to fall in love, she wanted to be a journalist, she wanted to do whatever she desired— all things against her parents’ Eastern ideals of what a woman was supposed to behave like. If she were to follow her own desires she would tarnish her family reputation, bring dishonor upon her household.
Although I am not of Indian descent, I was able to understand Das’s struggles. She incorporates bits and pieces of Indian culture and history throughout the book seamlessly and meaningfully. These little pieces emphasize the conflict within herself, ultimately caused by her parents’ Eastern culture expectations while living in a Western culture. She struggles with her parents’ expectations feeling as if she is a “...defective daughter” (Das 35). Her sister, on the other hand, was everything her parents wanted her to be. I myself have two older brothers, both going to some of the best colleges in their fields. My parents expect me to be much like my “perfect” brothers. They have lived up to everything my parents had wanted and more. They were obedient, and hardworking, and talented, and smart, and disciplined— the perfect children. Culturally, my brothers have learned to embrace their Eastern upbringing in the Western world, appreciating it later in life than as children. I am still struggling, I struggle with finding a good balance between East and West, my parents’ expectations and the expectations of my peers and the people around me.
The expectations that had been piled onto Das, while living in the Western culture with expectations so different, are what causes her to rebel against her parents later in life. She rejects the men that her parents bring to her in hopes of having an arranged marriage, she goes to college, studies journalism, a career that was seen only fit for a man in Eastern culture, she parties, she falls in love, she does everything that would bring dishonor upon her family in Eastern culture. She rebels against almost everything her parents had brought her up to avoid.
Although in the end, the path she decided to go down did not turn out the way she had expected, she was able to do everything she had dreamed of doing as a child. She went against her parents’ Eastern expectations and followed the Western desires that she always had. She was able to live the life that she dreamed of rather than being compliant and living up to all the expectations her parents had set out for her despite her desires. She was able to live her dream, learning from the mistakes and hardships that came with it rather than living a life filled with what ifs. Her rebellion causes a tidal wave of change throughout her family, changing the views they had on Eastern culture and values that had existed for years and years.
While writing about a more serious topic, Das is able to incorporate humor into her memoir, keeping it more lighthearted. She does this especially well with the characterization of her mother who is portrayed as very traditional. Humorous, informational and insightful Sushi Das is able to capture all of these elements and intertwine them quite well in her memoir.