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Zazdrość - niebezpieczna namiętność
Dlaczego mężczyźni i kobiety wzajemnie się oszukują?
Co naprawdę czują mężczyźni, gdy ich partnerka ma kontakty seksualne z innymi mężczyznami?
Co bardziej martwi kobiety: partner, który zakochuje się w innej kobiecie czy partner poszukujący przygód seksualnych nie angażujących emocjonalnie?
Czy mężowie i żony mogą się wyleczyć z chorobliwej zazdrości? I czy na pewno powinni to robić?
W zaskakującej i pasjonującej książce, jaką jest Zazdrość - niebezpieczna namiętność, David M. Buss wnika w najciemniejsze zakamarki ludzkiej duszy, twierdząc, że uczucie zazdrości leży w naturze zarówno kobiet, jak i mężczyzn. Prawdziwości swojej tezy dowodzi, opierając się na badaniach przeprowadzonych w trzydziestu siedmiu krajach i odwołując się do najnowszych doniesień z dziedziny biologii, antropologii i psychologii.
Zdaniem Bussa mężczyźni częściej niż kobiety poszukują przygód seksualnych, natomiast kobiety, które zdradzają partnera, nieświadomie czynią to w okresach swej największej płodności.
Aby zapobiec tym niepokojącym skłonnościom - i wzmocnić związek dwojga partnerów - natura rozwinęła w nas reakcję zazdrości, czyli system wczesnego wykrywania sygnałów niewierności. Buss zabiera nas w fascynującą podroż po odległych tysiącleciach i kulturach, by pokazać wpływ zazdrości na życie każdego człowieka. Tylko zdrowa równowaga pomiędzy zazdrością a zaufaniem może dać nam pewność co do prawdziwości uczuć partnera.
Co naprawdę czują mężczyźni, gdy ich partnerka ma kontakty seksualne z innymi mężczyznami?
Co bardziej martwi kobiety: partner, który zakochuje się w innej kobiecie czy partner poszukujący przygód seksualnych nie angażujących emocjonalnie?
Czy mężowie i żony mogą się wyleczyć z chorobliwej zazdrości? I czy na pewno powinni to robić?
W zaskakującej i pasjonującej książce, jaką jest Zazdrość - niebezpieczna namiętność, David M. Buss wnika w najciemniejsze zakamarki ludzkiej duszy, twierdząc, że uczucie zazdrości leży w naturze zarówno kobiet, jak i mężczyzn. Prawdziwości swojej tezy dowodzi, opierając się na badaniach przeprowadzonych w trzydziestu siedmiu krajach i odwołując się do najnowszych doniesień z dziedziny biologii, antropologii i psychologii.
Zdaniem Bussa mężczyźni częściej niż kobiety poszukują przygód seksualnych, natomiast kobiety, które zdradzają partnera, nieświadomie czynią to w okresach swej największej płodności.
Aby zapobiec tym niepokojącym skłonnościom - i wzmocnić związek dwojga partnerów - natura rozwinęła w nas reakcję zazdrości, czyli system wczesnego wykrywania sygnałów niewierności. Buss zabiera nas w fascynującą podroż po odległych tysiącleciach i kulturach, by pokazać wpływ zazdrości na życie każdego człowieka. Tylko zdrowa równowaga pomiędzy zazdrością a zaufaniem może dać nam pewność co do prawdziwości uczuć partnera.
239 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
59 people are currently reading
1457 people want to read
About the author
David M. Buss
36 books714 followersDavid M. Buss is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, known for his evolutionary psychology research on human sex differences in mate selection.
Buss earned his PhD in psychology at University of California, Berkeley in 1981. Before becoming a professor at the University of Texas, he was assistant professor for four years at Harvard University, and he was a professor at the University of Michigan for eleven years.
The primary topics of his research include mating strategies, conflict between the sexes, social status, social reputation, prestige, the emotion of jealousy, homicide, anti-homicide defenses, and—most recently—stalking. All of these are approached from an evolutionary perspective. Buss is the author of more than 200 scientific articles and has won many awards, including an APA Distinguished Scientific Award for Early Career Contribution to Psychology in 1988 and an APA G. Stanley Hall Lectureship in 1990.
Buss is the author of a number of publications and books, including The Evolution of Desire, The Dangerous Passion, and The Murderer Next Door, which introduces a new theory of homicide from an evolutionary perspective. He is also the author of Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, whose fourth edition was released in 2011. In 2005, Buss edited a reference volume, The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology. His latest book is Why Women Have Sex, which he coauthored with Cindy Meston.
Buss is involved with extensive cross-cultural research collaborations and lectures within the U.S.
Education:
Ph.D.University of California,Berkeley:1981
B.A.University of Texas, Austin: 1976
Academic Employment History:
1996-Present Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Texas, Austin.
1991-1996 Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Michigan.
1985-1991 Associate Professor: Department of Psychology, University of Michigan.
1981-1985 Assistant Professor, Department of Psychology, Harvard University (promoted to Associate Professor, Harvard, 1985)
Buss earned his PhD in psychology at University of California, Berkeley in 1981. Before becoming a professor at the University of Texas, he was assistant professor for four years at Harvard University, and he was a professor at the University of Michigan for eleven years.
The primary topics of his research include mating strategies, conflict between the sexes, social status, social reputation, prestige, the emotion of jealousy, homicide, anti-homicide defenses, and—most recently—stalking. All of these are approached from an evolutionary perspective. Buss is the author of more than 200 scientific articles and has won many awards, including an APA Distinguished Scientific Award for Early Career Contribution to Psychology in 1988 and an APA G. Stanley Hall Lectureship in 1990.
Buss is the author of a number of publications and books, including The Evolution of Desire, The Dangerous Passion, and The Murderer Next Door, which introduces a new theory of homicide from an evolutionary perspective. He is also the author of Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, whose fourth edition was released in 2011. In 2005, Buss edited a reference volume, The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology. His latest book is Why Women Have Sex, which he coauthored with Cindy Meston.
Buss is involved with extensive cross-cultural research collaborations and lectures within the U.S.
Education:
Ph.D.University of California,Berkeley:1981
B.A.University of Texas, Austin: 1976
Academic Employment History:
1996-Present Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Texas, Austin.
1991-1996 Professor, Department of Psychology, University of Michigan.
1985-1991 Associate Professor: Department of Psychology, University of Michigan.
1981-1985 Assistant Professor, Department of Psychology, Harvard University (promoted to Associate Professor, Harvard, 1985)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
September 22, 2021
3.5 "well laid out, thought provoking but over-reaching" stars !!
This is a poem by Sappho after she catches her beloved Queen Lesbia flirting with a man !!
He is a god in my eyes, that man,
Given to sit in front of you
And close to himself sweetly to hear
The sound of you speaking.
Your magical laughter — this I swear —
Batters my heart — my breast astir —
My voice when I see you suddenly near
Refuses to come.
My tongue breaks up and a delicate fire
Runs through my flesh; I see not a thing
With my eyes, and all that I hear
In my ears is a hum.
The sweat runs down, a shuddering takes
Me in every part and pale as the drying
Grasses, then, I think I am near
The moment of dying.
Translated by Paul Roche (1966)
Jealousy the green eyed serpent, that most destructive, complex and base of emotions. Or is it??
Professor Buss is an evolutionary research psychologist and he argues that although jealousy is all of the above it is much more an adaptive response to holding on and keeping our mates in order for men to be certain of their paternity of offspring and for women to be protected and provided for. There is much more to this and I have oversimplified his theory but his research and theories are incredibly interesting to me and a little bit radical as I am immersed in both a psychodynamic and feminist background.
I will be honest though despite his well presented arguments and some research to back up his theory it felt a bit overgeneralized and over-arching and over-reaching. Often he would take percentages that were only mildly in one direction to make points without hypothesizing or trying to understand the sizable minorities that behave or respond differently. He also appeared to make too much of gender differences when there would only be a few percentage difference in responses.
The other issue I had is that he minimized delusional or pathological jealousy which we know is either part of a psychotic disorder when it is fixed or a cluster A or B personality disorder when it is more generalized, transient.
The cost of Jealousy to both genders is huge, however, for women it is often fatal or incredibly damaging psychologically and physically. I feel that more time could have been spent on describing both societal and personal interventions or even public health initiatives that could help with this very complex emotion in reducing domestic violence and murder.
He did an excellent job though at depicting mild jealousy as an adaptive response to keeping and holding onto our partners that can be nabbed away by a buxom blonde or a muscular studmuffin.
All in all, a very good book that will have me reflecting and doing more research from a variety of perspectives on this complex and misunderstood emotion.
Elizabeth Bowen writes in her interpersonal wisdom:
-Jealousy is no more than feeling alone with smiling enemies.
Pet Shop Boys song -Jealousy (particularly listen to chorus)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chq88...
This is a poem by Sappho after she catches her beloved Queen Lesbia flirting with a man !!
He is a god in my eyes, that man,
Given to sit in front of you
And close to himself sweetly to hear
The sound of you speaking.
Your magical laughter — this I swear —
Batters my heart — my breast astir —
My voice when I see you suddenly near
Refuses to come.
My tongue breaks up and a delicate fire
Runs through my flesh; I see not a thing
With my eyes, and all that I hear
In my ears is a hum.
The sweat runs down, a shuddering takes
Me in every part and pale as the drying
Grasses, then, I think I am near
The moment of dying.
Translated by Paul Roche (1966)
Jealousy the green eyed serpent, that most destructive, complex and base of emotions. Or is it??
Professor Buss is an evolutionary research psychologist and he argues that although jealousy is all of the above it is much more an adaptive response to holding on and keeping our mates in order for men to be certain of their paternity of offspring and for women to be protected and provided for. There is much more to this and I have oversimplified his theory but his research and theories are incredibly interesting to me and a little bit radical as I am immersed in both a psychodynamic and feminist background.
I will be honest though despite his well presented arguments and some research to back up his theory it felt a bit overgeneralized and over-arching and over-reaching. Often he would take percentages that were only mildly in one direction to make points without hypothesizing or trying to understand the sizable minorities that behave or respond differently. He also appeared to make too much of gender differences when there would only be a few percentage difference in responses.
The other issue I had is that he minimized delusional or pathological jealousy which we know is either part of a psychotic disorder when it is fixed or a cluster A or B personality disorder when it is more generalized, transient.
The cost of Jealousy to both genders is huge, however, for women it is often fatal or incredibly damaging psychologically and physically. I feel that more time could have been spent on describing both societal and personal interventions or even public health initiatives that could help with this very complex emotion in reducing domestic violence and murder.
He did an excellent job though at depicting mild jealousy as an adaptive response to keeping and holding onto our partners that can be nabbed away by a buxom blonde or a muscular studmuffin.
All in all, a very good book that will have me reflecting and doing more research from a variety of perspectives on this complex and misunderstood emotion.
Elizabeth Bowen writes in her interpersonal wisdom:
-Jealousy is no more than feeling alone with smiling enemies.
Pet Shop Boys song -Jealousy (particularly listen to chorus)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chq88...
September 10, 2020
I don't often write reviews, but as I work on ideas surrounding jealousy for my dissertation and a side project I came upon Buss's work... and let's just say I am disgusted. The number of blatant assumptions and the conflation of the "evolutionary" motivations with the "statistical" observations and implicitly the "personal" motivations makes this book plainly nonacademic despite Buss's academic background.
Here's a very simple example:
“Women married to men matched to their level of desirability will sometimes be tempted to have affairs with men whom they find sexier than their husbands .” P. 120 (pdf copy)
I see two ways to interpret this claim:
1) Uninformative: Of course, anyone who is tempted to have an affair is going to find something about their fling more attractive than their current spouse in some way. There is nothing surprising or new about this, so the implicit assumption is that he is saying more than just that...
2) Dangerous (and this is what I take him to be saying): There is something inherent to women's biology due to our "ancestral mothers" that encourages them to commit infidelity. A little lower he even says "Women, of course, don’t think about these things consciously. Their passions for other partners are blind to the evolutionary functions that have shaped them. Women just need to find other men sexy; knowing why is unnecessary." So in other words women just can't help it.
How else am I supposed to understand these claims? What's worse is that after many of the real examples he gives of men brutally murdering their wives, instead of saying anything negative whatsoever about the man's actions (even if it's obvious) he immediately follows up with defenses and justifications for the jealous behavior.
This is the moral of his book:
Women are going to cheat on men because they can't help it.
Men are going to experience morbid jealousy and potentially brutally assault their wives.
By the time you reach the chapter offering "solutions" he simply rejects some of the common practices surrounding jealousy (which, to be fair, many aren't great) and offers some advise of his own that is... dubious at best.
TL;DR If you're an incel though, let me tell you. You're going to absolutely love this book. But please don't read it because it's going to make you hate women even more and the world would be a much better place with less hate in it.
Here's a very simple example:
“Women married to men matched to their level of desirability will sometimes be tempted to have affairs with men whom they find sexier than their husbands .” P. 120 (pdf copy)
I see two ways to interpret this claim:
1) Uninformative: Of course, anyone who is tempted to have an affair is going to find something about their fling more attractive than their current spouse in some way. There is nothing surprising or new about this, so the implicit assumption is that he is saying more than just that...
2) Dangerous (and this is what I take him to be saying): There is something inherent to women's biology due to our "ancestral mothers" that encourages them to commit infidelity. A little lower he even says "Women, of course, don’t think about these things consciously. Their passions for other partners are blind to the evolutionary functions that have shaped them. Women just need to find other men sexy; knowing why is unnecessary." So in other words women just can't help it.
How else am I supposed to understand these claims? What's worse is that after many of the real examples he gives of men brutally murdering their wives, instead of saying anything negative whatsoever about the man's actions (even if it's obvious) he immediately follows up with defenses and justifications for the jealous behavior.
This is the moral of his book:
Women are going to cheat on men because they can't help it.
Men are going to experience morbid jealousy and potentially brutally assault their wives.
By the time you reach the chapter offering "solutions" he simply rejects some of the common practices surrounding jealousy (which, to be fair, many aren't great) and offers some advise of his own that is... dubious at best.
TL;DR If you're an incel though, let me tell you. You're going to absolutely love this book. But please don't read it because it's going to make you hate women even more and the world would be a much better place with less hate in it.
May 8, 2024
I actually don’t think this is particularly well written. Some parts of research are interesting but it’s mainly just conjecturing and story-telling rather than a real and nuanced exploration. The talking points also became repetitive and could have easily been covered in half the book. Also in terms of academic rigour, none of the assumptions made by the author hold to scrutiny nor are they backed by data - he actually just transposes his own opinions and evolutionary theory onto some studies and anecdotes, then conflates them as if he’s trying to fool the reader into accepting his opinions as scientific fact.
October 5, 2020
Very interesting! I mostly like the fact that the book is replete with studies that corroborate the claim the author makes.
October 14, 2020
متلازمة عطيل ...
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على الرغم من قيمتها للناس في الماضي والحاضر ، فإن الغيرة هي عاطفة تعرض الشركاء لخطر شديد. يتسبب الجانب المظلم للغيرة في انفجار الرجال بعنف لتقليل احتمالات ضلال شركائهم. النساء اللواتي يبحثن عن ملجأ في ملاجئ النساء المعنفات يذكرن بشكل شبه دائم أن أزواجهن يشعرن بالغيرة. في إحدى الدراسات التي أجريت على النساء المعنفات ، وكثير منهن بحاجة إلى رعاية طبية ، ذكرت المرأة النموذجية أن زوجها "يحاول الحد من اتصالي بالأصدقاء والعائلة" (أسلوب الإخفاء) ، "يصر على معرفة مكاني في جميع الأوقات" (تكتيك اليقظة) و "يناديني بأسماء تشعرني بالحزن وتجعلني أشعر بالسوء تجاه نفسي" (أسلوب تقويض احترام الذات) الغيرة هي السبب الرئيسي للضرب الزوجي ، لكنها أسوأ من ذلك. إن غيرة الرجال تعرض النساء لخطر القتل.
خذ بعين الاعتبار الملاحظات التالية التي أدلى بها رجل يبلغ من العمر 31 عامًا للشرطة طعن زوجته البالغة من العمر 20 عامًا حتى الموت ، بعد لم شملهما ، بعد انفصال دام ستة أشهر.
(ثم قالت إنها ضاجعت الرجل الآخر عشر مرات منذ عودتها في أبريل / نيسان. أخبرتها كيف يمكنك التحدث عن الحب والزواج وأنتي تضاجعين هذا الرجل الآخر. كنت غاضبًا حقًا. ذهبت إلى المطبخ وحصلت على السكين. عدت إلى غرفتنا وسألتها: هل كنت جادة عندما أخبرتني بذلك؟ قالت نعم. تشاجرنا على السرير ، رحت أطعنها. جاء جدها وحاول أخذ السكين من يدي. قلت له أن يذهب ويستدعي الشرطة من أجلي. لا أعرف لماذا قتلت هذه المرأة ، فقد أحببتها.)
يمكن أن تكون الغيرة حامضًا عاطفيًا يفسد الزواج ، ويقوض احترام الذات ، ويؤدي إلى الضرب ، ويؤدي أيضا إلى جريمة القتل . على الرغم من مظاهرها الخطيرة ، ساعدت الغيرة في حل مأزق إنجابي حرج لرجال الأجداد. كان الرجال الغيورون أكثر عرضة للحفاظ على التزاماتهم القيمة لأطفالهم بدلاً من إهدارها على أطفال منافسيهم. بصفتهم أحفاد سلسلة طويلة من الرجال الذين عملوا لضمان الأبوة ، يحمل الرجال المعاصرون معهم العاطفة الخطيرة التي أدت إلى النجاح الإنجابي لأسلافهم.
روى لي معالج ثنائي محترف أعرفه القصة التالية : (جاء إليه زوجان شابان ، جوان وريتشارد ، بشكوى من الغيرة غير المنطقية. دون استفزاز ، ينفجر ريتشارد في خطابات غيورة ويتهم جان بالنوم مع رجل آخر. كانت غيرته التي لا يمكن السيطرة عليها تدمر زواجهما. وافق كل من ريتشارد وجوان على هذه النقطة. هل يمكن للمعالج أن يساعد في علاج ريتشارد من الغيرة غير المنطقية؟ من الممارسات الشائعة في العلاج الزوجي إجراء جلسة واحدة على الأقل مع كل فرد من الزوجين على حدة. كان السؤال الأول الذي طرحه المعالج على جوان خلال هذه المقابلة الفردية هو: هل لديك علاقة غرامية؟ انفجرت في البكاء واعترفت بأنها ، بالفعل ، كانت تقوم بعلاقة غرامية منذ ستة أشهر. اتضح أن غيرة ريتشارد لم تكن غير عقلانية بعد كل شيء. لقد كان يلتقط إشارات خفية لخيانة زوجته التي أثارت غيرته. نظرًا لأنه وثق بجوان وأكدت له على إخلاصها ، فقد اعتقد أن غيرته كانت غير عقلانية. بمعنى ما ، فشل ريتشارد في الاستماع إلى همساته العاطفية الداخلية. لقد توصل إلى نتيجة خاطئة لأنه تجاوز مشاعره بـ "العقلانية".)
أعطتني هذه الحلقة أول تلميح إلى أن الغيرة تمثل شكلاً من أشكال حكمة الأجداد التي يمكن أن يكون لها عواقب مفيدة ومدمرة أيضا. على الرغم من المخاطر المحتملة لإجراء بحث عن الغيرة ، أقنعتني فعاليتها بأنه لا يمكن للعلم تجاهلها. اكتشفنا في استطلاعات الرأي أن جميع الرجال والنساء تقريبًا قد مروا بنوبة واحدة على الأقل من الغيرة الشديدة. يقول واحد وثلاثون في المائة أنه كان من الصعب أحيانًا السيطرة على غيرتهم الشخصية. ومن بين أولئك الذين يعترفون بالغيرة ، يقول 38 بالمائة أن غيرتهم دفعتهم إلى الرغبة في إيذاء شخص ما.
أُطلق على الغيرة الشديدة العديد من الأسماء - متلازمة عطيل ، والغيرة المرضية ، والغيرة الذهانية ، والبارانويا الزوجية ، ومتلازمة الغيرة الجنسية. الغيرة ، بالطبع ، يمكن أن تكون مرضية. يمكن أن تدمر العلاقات المتناغمة سابقًا ، وتجعلها كوابيس جهنم اليومية. الثقة التي تم بناؤها ببطء من سنوات الاعتماد المتبادل يمكن أن تنهار في لحظة انهيار. تقود الغيرة المزيد من النساء إلى الفرار في رعب إلى الملاجئ أكثر من أي سبب آخر. 13 في المائة من جميع جرائم القتل هي جرائم قتل بين الزوجين ، والغيرة بشكل كبير هي السبب الرئيسي.
لكن الدمار لا يعني بالضرورة أن الأمر يخص علم الأمراض. الجانب المرضي للغيرة الشديدة ، وفقًا للحكمة السائدة ، ليس الغيرة نفسها. إنه الوهم بأن أحد الأحباء قد ارتكب الخيانة عندما لم يحدث شيء. الغضب نفسه على الاكتشاف الفعلي للخيانة الزوجية هو شيء يفهمه الناس في كل مكان بشكل حدسي. (في تكساس حتى عام 1974 ، الزوج الذي قتل زوجته وعشيقها عندما قبض عليهم متلبسين بالجريمة لم يُحاكم كمجرم. في الواقع ، نص القانون على أن "الرجل العاقل" سيرد على مثل هذا الاستفزاز الشديد بأعمال العنف. قوانين مماثلة كانت موجودة في الكتب في جميع أنحاء العالم. الغضب الشديد عند اكتشاف زوجة عارية بين ذراعي رجل آخر هو أمر يجده الناس في كل مكان مفهومًا وبديهيًا.
إن رؤية الغيرة على أنها مرضية تتجاهل حقيقة عميقة حول دفاع مهم مصمم لمحاربة تهديد حقيقي. الغيرة ليست دائمًا رد فعل على خيانة تم اكتشافها بالفعل. يمكن أن يكون رد فعل استباقي ، ضربة استباقية لمنع الخيانة الزوجية التي قد تحدث. إن وصف الغيرة على أنها مرضية يتجاهل حقيقة أن الغيرة يمكن أن تمنع الخيانة الزوجية التي قد تكون كامنة في أفق العلاقة.
يمكن أن تكون الغيرة المفرطة مدمرة بشكل غير عادي. لكن الغيرة المعتدلة ، وليس الإفراط أو الغياب ، تشير إلى الالتزام.
لفهم قوة هذه المشاعر غير العادية ، يجب علينا تتبعها إلى أصلها ، قبل فترة طويلة من الرأسمالية ، قبل فترة طويلة من الزراعة والاقتصاد النقدي ، وقبل وقت طويل من كتابة التاريخ وتسجيله ، وقبل فترة طويلة من انتشار البشر واستعمارهم لكل قارة صالحة للسكن. يجب أن نتتبع جذوره إلى تطور واحد من أكثر التطورات غرابة في تاريخ الرئيسيات ، ومع ذلك فإننا نعتبره أمرًا مفروغًا منه بحيث يصعب التشكيك في وجوده: ظهور الحب طويل الأمد!
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David M. Buss
The Dangerous Passion
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
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على الرغم من قيمتها للناس في الماضي والحاضر ، فإن الغيرة هي عاطفة تعرض الشركاء لخطر شديد. يتسبب الجانب المظلم للغيرة في انفجار الرجال بعنف لتقليل احتمالات ضلال شركائهم. النساء اللواتي يبحثن عن ملجأ في ملاجئ النساء المعنفات يذكرن بشكل شبه دائم أن أزواجهن يشعرن بالغيرة. في إحدى الدراسات التي أجريت على النساء المعنفات ، وكثير منهن بحاجة إلى رعاية طبية ، ذكرت المرأة النموذجية أن زوجها "يحاول الحد من اتصالي بالأصدقاء والعائلة" (أسلوب الإخفاء) ، "يصر على معرفة مكاني في جميع الأوقات" (تكتيك اليقظة) و "يناديني بأسماء تشعرني بالحزن وتجعلني أشعر بالسوء تجاه نفسي" (أسلوب تقويض احترام الذات) الغيرة هي السبب الرئيسي للضرب الزوجي ، لكنها أسوأ من ذلك. إن غيرة الرجال تعرض النساء لخطر القتل.
خذ بعين الاعتبار الملاحظات التالية التي أدلى بها رجل يبلغ من العمر 31 عامًا للشرطة طعن زوجته البالغة من العمر 20 عامًا حتى الموت ، بعد لم شملهما ، بعد انفصال دام ستة أشهر.
(ثم قالت إنها ضاجعت الرجل الآخر عشر مرات منذ عودتها في أبريل / نيسان. أخبرتها كيف يمكنك التحدث عن الحب والزواج وأنتي تضاجعين هذا الرجل الآخر. كنت غاضبًا حقًا. ذهبت إلى المطبخ وحصلت على السكين. عدت إلى غرفتنا وسألتها: هل كنت جادة عندما أخبرتني بذلك؟ قالت نعم. تشاجرنا على السرير ، رحت أطعنها. جاء جدها وحاول أخذ السكين من يدي. قلت له أن يذهب ويستدعي الشرطة من أجلي. لا أعرف لماذا قتلت هذه المرأة ، فقد أحببتها.)
يمكن أن تكون الغيرة حامضًا عاطفيًا يفسد الزواج ، ويقوض احترام الذات ، ويؤدي إلى الضرب ، ويؤدي أيضا إلى جريمة القتل . على الرغم من مظاهرها الخطيرة ، ساعدت الغيرة في حل مأزق إنجابي حرج لرجال الأجداد. كان الرجال الغيورون أكثر عرضة للحفاظ على التزاماتهم القيمة لأطفالهم بدلاً من إهدارها على أطفال منافسيهم. بصفتهم أحفاد سلسلة طويلة من الرجال الذين عملوا لضمان الأبوة ، يحمل الرجال المعاصرون معهم العاطفة الخطيرة التي أدت إلى النجاح الإنجابي لأسلافهم.
روى لي معالج ثنائي محترف أعرفه القصة التالية : (جاء إليه زوجان شابان ، جوان وريتشارد ، بشكوى من الغيرة غير المنطقية. دون استفزاز ، ينفجر ريتشارد في خطابات غيورة ويتهم جان بالنوم مع رجل آخر. كانت غيرته التي لا يمكن السيطرة عليها تدمر زواجهما. وافق كل من ريتشارد وجوان على هذه النقطة. هل يمكن للمعالج أن يساعد في علاج ريتشارد من الغيرة غير المنطقية؟ من الممارسات الشائعة في العلاج الزوجي إجراء جلسة واحدة على الأقل مع كل فرد من الزوجين على حدة. كان السؤال الأول الذي طرحه المعالج على جوان خلال هذه المقابلة الفردية هو: هل لديك علاقة غرامية؟ انفجرت في البكاء واعترفت بأنها ، بالفعل ، كانت تقوم بعلاقة غرامية منذ ستة أشهر. اتضح أن غيرة ريتشارد لم تكن غير عقلانية بعد كل شيء. لقد كان يلتقط إشارات خفية لخيانة زوجته التي أثارت غيرته. نظرًا لأنه وثق بجوان وأكدت له على إخلاصها ، فقد اعتقد أن غيرته كانت غير عقلانية. بمعنى ما ، فشل ريتشارد في الاستماع إلى همساته العاطفية الداخلية. لقد توصل إلى نتيجة خاطئة لأنه تجاوز مشاعره بـ "العقلانية".)
أعطتني هذه الحلقة أول تلميح إلى أن الغيرة تمثل شكلاً من أشكال حكمة الأجداد التي يمكن أن يكون لها عواقب مفيدة ومدمرة أيضا. على الرغم من المخاطر المحتملة لإجراء بحث عن الغيرة ، أقنعتني فعاليتها بأنه لا يمكن للعلم تجاهلها. اكتشفنا في استطلاعات الرأي أن جميع الرجال والنساء تقريبًا قد مروا بنوبة واحدة على الأقل من الغيرة الشديدة. يقول واحد وثلاثون في المائة أنه كان من الصعب أحيانًا السيطرة على غيرتهم الشخصية. ومن بين أولئك الذين يعترفون بالغيرة ، يقول 38 بالمائة أن غيرتهم دفعتهم إلى الرغبة في إيذاء شخص ما.
أُطلق على الغيرة الشديدة العديد من الأسماء - متلازمة عطيل ، والغيرة المرضية ، والغيرة الذهانية ، والبارانويا الزوجية ، ومتلازمة الغيرة الجنسية. الغيرة ، بالطبع ، يمكن أن تكون مرضية. يمكن أن تدمر العلاقات المتناغمة سابقًا ، وتجعلها كوابيس جهنم اليومية. الثقة التي تم بناؤها ببطء من سنوات الاعتماد المتبادل يمكن أن تنهار في لحظة انهيار. تقود الغيرة المزيد من النساء إلى الفرار في رعب إلى الملاجئ أكثر من أي سبب آخر. 13 في المائة من جميع جرائم القتل هي جرائم قتل بين الزوجين ، والغيرة بشكل كبير هي السبب الرئيسي.
لكن الدمار لا يعني بالضرورة أن الأمر يخص علم الأمراض. الجانب المرضي للغيرة الشديدة ، وفقًا للحكمة السائدة ، ليس الغيرة نفسها. إنه الوهم بأن أحد الأحباء قد ارتكب الخيانة عندما لم يحدث شيء. الغضب نفسه على الاكتشاف الفعلي للخيانة الزوجية هو شيء يفهمه الناس في كل مكان بشكل حدسي. (في تكساس حتى عام 1974 ، الزوج الذي قتل زوجته وعشيقها عندما قبض عليهم متلبسين بالجريمة لم يُحاكم كمجرم. في الواقع ، نص القانون على أن "الرجل العاقل" سيرد على مثل هذا الاستفزاز الشديد بأعمال العنف. قوانين مماثلة كانت موجودة في الكتب في جميع أنحاء العالم. الغضب الشديد عند اكتشاف زوجة عارية بين ذراعي رجل آخر هو أمر يجده الناس في كل مكان مفهومًا وبديهيًا.
إن رؤية الغيرة على أنها مرضية تتجاهل حقيقة عميقة حول دفاع مهم مصمم لمحاربة تهديد حقيقي. الغيرة ليست دائمًا رد فعل على خيانة تم اكتشافها بالفعل. يمكن أن يكون رد فعل استباقي ، ضربة استباقية لمنع الخيانة الزوجية التي قد تحدث. إن وصف الغيرة على أنها مرضية يتجاهل حقيقة أن الغيرة يمكن أن تمنع الخيانة الزوجية التي قد تكون كامنة في أفق العلاقة.
يمكن أن تكون الغيرة المفرطة مدمرة بشكل غير عادي. لكن الغيرة المعتدلة ، وليس الإفراط أو الغياب ، تشير إلى الالتزام.
لفهم قوة هذه المشاعر غير العادية ، يجب علينا تتبعها إلى أصلها ، قبل فترة طويلة من الرأسمالية ، قبل فترة طويلة من الزراعة والاقتصاد النقدي ، وقبل وقت طويل من كتابة التاريخ وتسجيله ، وقبل فترة طويلة من انتشار البشر واستعمارهم لكل قارة صالحة للسكن. يجب أن نتتبع جذوره إلى تطور واحد من أكثر التطورات غرابة في تاريخ الرئيسيات ، ومع ذلك فإننا نعتبره أمرًا مفروغًا منه بحيث يصعب التشكيك في وجوده: ظهور الحب طويل الأمد!
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David M. Buss
The Dangerous Passion
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
January 22, 2023
I read this book because it was referenced in one of Karla McLaren's books...either The Language of Emotions or The Art of Empathy. I was intrigued by Karla's insights about the gifts that jealousy bring and wanted to go to the source.
This book was a very interesting read. Its takes the view that all the behaviors related to love, jealousy and relationships were developed via a long period of human evolution and they all serve a purpose. It goes into the differences of what men are looking for in a relationship vs what women are looking for. This is based on the recognition that from a biological perspective sperm is cheap and eggs are expensive. A woman can have one child a year...at great physical and emotional cost...whereas men can father many children at little investment on their part. Men are motivated by variety and novelty while women seek commitment and support for the children that will come from sex. From here the book takes you through many relationship values and behaviors of the two sexes and explains a great deal of what otherwise might seem confusing or mystifying.
The bottom line is that you can't have love without jealousy. Jealousy's purpose is to guard and protect your deepest loving relationships. Without jealousy you will find it difficult to discern who is a trustworthy mate and who should be avoided. You will also have difficulty monitoring the status of your most intimate relationships. I like these two paragraphs from the last chapter of the book:
"According to Ayala Pines, protecting love is the primary function of jealousy. "jealousy aims to protect romantic relationships. It is not a useless flight of irrationality, but a useful signal people can learn to interpret correctly...Jealousy makes people examine their relationships...it teaches couples not to take each other for granted...ensures that they continue to value each other and ...indicates that people value the love relationship it protects."
"It's unlikely that love, with the tremendous psychological investment it entails, could have evolved without a defense that shielded it from the constant threat from rivals and the possibility of betrayal from a partner."
This book was a very interesting read. Its takes the view that all the behaviors related to love, jealousy and relationships were developed via a long period of human evolution and they all serve a purpose. It goes into the differences of what men are looking for in a relationship vs what women are looking for. This is based on the recognition that from a biological perspective sperm is cheap and eggs are expensive. A woman can have one child a year...at great physical and emotional cost...whereas men can father many children at little investment on their part. Men are motivated by variety and novelty while women seek commitment and support for the children that will come from sex. From here the book takes you through many relationship values and behaviors of the two sexes and explains a great deal of what otherwise might seem confusing or mystifying.
The bottom line is that you can't have love without jealousy. Jealousy's purpose is to guard and protect your deepest loving relationships. Without jealousy you will find it difficult to discern who is a trustworthy mate and who should be avoided. You will also have difficulty monitoring the status of your most intimate relationships. I like these two paragraphs from the last chapter of the book:
"According to Ayala Pines, protecting love is the primary function of jealousy. "jealousy aims to protect romantic relationships. It is not a useless flight of irrationality, but a useful signal people can learn to interpret correctly...Jealousy makes people examine their relationships...it teaches couples not to take each other for granted...ensures that they continue to value each other and ...indicates that people value the love relationship it protects."
"It's unlikely that love, with the tremendous psychological investment it entails, could have evolved without a defense that shielded it from the constant threat from rivals and the possibility of betrayal from a partner."
February 8, 2016
I am a robot.
At least sometimes it feels like I am a robot. And I guess there is some truth to it. I tend to view everything through a overly logical lens. From where I sit, emotional entanglements tend to fuck things up, so I dismiss the emotions that I feel get in the way of making logical decisions. As such I think that I have managed to short circuit some of those emotions in myself, including jealousy.
I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but reading David M. Buss' The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex, it seems that I may have short-circuited some sort of survival method along the way. Buss is an evolutionary psychologist, and as such his research indicates that jealousy is something that is hard-wired into humanity. Without jealousy, men would not be able to maintain their genetic lines and women would not be able to procure the resources needed to support her children (I know, a horribly patriarchal view), according to Buss. If we take Buss' theory as axiomatic, then it also logically follows that men and women have different approaches to jealousy, as they have different ulterior goals. Again, if you agree with the premise, then Buss might have the explanation to the frequent communication breakdowns between men and women.
As this is an academic text, the prose is quite dry, but it is well researched. I don't know if it has any clue as to answering the question if I am a broken robot or not, but it did change my views on what jealousy is and how it can actually be a helpful thing.
At least sometimes it feels like I am a robot. And I guess there is some truth to it. I tend to view everything through a overly logical lens. From where I sit, emotional entanglements tend to fuck things up, so I dismiss the emotions that I feel get in the way of making logical decisions. As such I think that I have managed to short circuit some of those emotions in myself, including jealousy.
I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but reading David M. Buss' The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex, it seems that I may have short-circuited some sort of survival method along the way. Buss is an evolutionary psychologist, and as such his research indicates that jealousy is something that is hard-wired into humanity. Without jealousy, men would not be able to maintain their genetic lines and women would not be able to procure the resources needed to support her children (I know, a horribly patriarchal view), according to Buss. If we take Buss' theory as axiomatic, then it also logically follows that men and women have different approaches to jealousy, as they have different ulterior goals. Again, if you agree with the premise, then Buss might have the explanation to the frequent communication breakdowns between men and women.
As this is an academic text, the prose is quite dry, but it is well researched. I don't know if it has any clue as to answering the question if I am a broken robot or not, but it did change my views on what jealousy is and how it can actually be a helpful thing.
November 27, 2011
I am a sucker for "how do people really work" with experimental evidence. This book delivers. David is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas who has spent a serious hunk of his career studying the strategies of human mating. Jealousy has evolved to protect against infidelity. Infidelity is bad for those being cheated upon because their genes are less likely to be passed on to a future generation. This book explores infidelity (especially the meat market-- what makes someone attractive?), jealousy (when has it proven appropriate or not), and the strong gender differences in these areas. It's a fairly dark book, because these are not happy topics; it spends a lot of time exploring how people's lives go awry. The last chapter of the book is "what wisdom can we gain from all this?" but it's pretty thin.
July 15, 2019
"Necessary" from the POV of the genes...
Jealousy exists, like love and sex, to help propagate an individual's genes. It is a mechanism of the species to help insure for males paternity, and for females that their offspring receive the benefit of male protection, support and guidance. Jealousy is not "necessary" (as the subtitle disinformationally suggests) in the same sense that sex per se is necessary; nor is it an emotion, like love, that we might want to retain, had we our druthers. Jealousy is the emotional downside of the sexual/reproductive strategies employed by humans. It is "necessary" in the same sense (although not to the same degree) that pain is necessary. Furthermore, in the environment we now find ourselves, as opposed to the prehistoric savannahs in which the mechanism of jealousy proved adaptive, it is unnecessary, and something we might want to understand and come to grips with in an attempt to lessen its hold on us.
But what this book is really about is infidelity, how and why it occurs, and what can be done to forestall it. In this context, jealousy (not envy which is directed at somebody who has something we want) is seen as an adaptive mechanism to protect the individual against a straying partner, either through heightened awareness or through inducing threats of reprisal, or through actual punishment of the infidel. Buss, a psychologist and author of the college text, Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, uses case histories from our culture and others and the results of personality inventories laced with humor to illustrate how the experience of jealousy leads to "mate guarding" and "mate retention tactics" that help the individual secure his or her position in the "mating market." As such jealousy is seen as a "signal" to both one's self (awakening one to the imminent danger of infidelity) and to one's partner (as a warning that one is on to the other's tricks). Consequently, Buss defines jealousy (p. 196) as "an adaptive signal of an impending threat to a primary love relationship." Included in this view is the understanding that infidelity, painful as it is, is a normal human behavior practiced by "as many as half of all married individuals."
The style here is easy and accessible to a wide range of readers. The material is light-hearted (inasmuch as such a serious subject can be) but without any pasting-over of the dangers of jealousy. Underpinning the exposition is a thorough knowledge of human sexuality as derived from biology and evolutionary psychology. Buss not only knows what he is talking about, but imparts the information in a manner that, chapter by chapter, leads the reader to a deep and satisfying understanding of infidelity and the mechanism of jealousy.
Along the way we learn some unsettling facts. For example, marital happiness has no effect on the instance of male infidelity. "In fact, 56 percent of the men who were having affairs judged their marriage to be very happy" (p. 146). Or that women pursue a sexual strategy including a "desire to stray" that "exists today solely because that's what benefitted ancestral women" (p. 159). We also learn which type of personality is likely to stray (pp. 148-151) and that the more attractive partners ("those...higher in mate value") are more likely to cheat (p. 143). Also interesting is the semi-obvious observation that women can attract a higher-ranked male on a one-night stand than as a husband (and so might), and that men will stoop to lower-ranked females for pure sex than those they choose for wives.
Buss devotes the last two chapters to coping mechanisms. He concludes with the fine observation that "knowledge...of our dangerous passions...will, in some small measure, give us the emotional wisdom to deal with them." This observation is what evolutionary psychology is all about, and why it is the emergent psychology of the twenty-first century.
Best joke (p. 185): At a therapist's gathering with a straying husband, his wife and the other woman, the wife informs the affairee that she is still sleeping with her husband, and that he has lied to both of them. "The affairee felt betrayed and stalked out, saying...that all men betray their wives, but only a real asshole would betray his girlfriend." Buss adds, "Therapy was unsuccessful in this case."
--Dennis Littrell, author of “The World Is Not as We Think It Is”
Jealousy exists, like love and sex, to help propagate an individual's genes. It is a mechanism of the species to help insure for males paternity, and for females that their offspring receive the benefit of male protection, support and guidance. Jealousy is not "necessary" (as the subtitle disinformationally suggests) in the same sense that sex per se is necessary; nor is it an emotion, like love, that we might want to retain, had we our druthers. Jealousy is the emotional downside of the sexual/reproductive strategies employed by humans. It is "necessary" in the same sense (although not to the same degree) that pain is necessary. Furthermore, in the environment we now find ourselves, as opposed to the prehistoric savannahs in which the mechanism of jealousy proved adaptive, it is unnecessary, and something we might want to understand and come to grips with in an attempt to lessen its hold on us.
But what this book is really about is infidelity, how and why it occurs, and what can be done to forestall it. In this context, jealousy (not envy which is directed at somebody who has something we want) is seen as an adaptive mechanism to protect the individual against a straying partner, either through heightened awareness or through inducing threats of reprisal, or through actual punishment of the infidel. Buss, a psychologist and author of the college text, Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind, uses case histories from our culture and others and the results of personality inventories laced with humor to illustrate how the experience of jealousy leads to "mate guarding" and "mate retention tactics" that help the individual secure his or her position in the "mating market." As such jealousy is seen as a "signal" to both one's self (awakening one to the imminent danger of infidelity) and to one's partner (as a warning that one is on to the other's tricks). Consequently, Buss defines jealousy (p. 196) as "an adaptive signal of an impending threat to a primary love relationship." Included in this view is the understanding that infidelity, painful as it is, is a normal human behavior practiced by "as many as half of all married individuals."
The style here is easy and accessible to a wide range of readers. The material is light-hearted (inasmuch as such a serious subject can be) but without any pasting-over of the dangers of jealousy. Underpinning the exposition is a thorough knowledge of human sexuality as derived from biology and evolutionary psychology. Buss not only knows what he is talking about, but imparts the information in a manner that, chapter by chapter, leads the reader to a deep and satisfying understanding of infidelity and the mechanism of jealousy.
Along the way we learn some unsettling facts. For example, marital happiness has no effect on the instance of male infidelity. "In fact, 56 percent of the men who were having affairs judged their marriage to be very happy" (p. 146). Or that women pursue a sexual strategy including a "desire to stray" that "exists today solely because that's what benefitted ancestral women" (p. 159). We also learn which type of personality is likely to stray (pp. 148-151) and that the more attractive partners ("those...higher in mate value") are more likely to cheat (p. 143). Also interesting is the semi-obvious observation that women can attract a higher-ranked male on a one-night stand than as a husband (and so might), and that men will stoop to lower-ranked females for pure sex than those they choose for wives.
Buss devotes the last two chapters to coping mechanisms. He concludes with the fine observation that "knowledge...of our dangerous passions...will, in some small measure, give us the emotional wisdom to deal with them." This observation is what evolutionary psychology is all about, and why it is the emergent psychology of the twenty-first century.
Best joke (p. 185): At a therapist's gathering with a straying husband, his wife and the other woman, the wife informs the affairee that she is still sleeping with her husband, and that he has lied to both of them. "The affairee felt betrayed and stalked out, saying...that all men betray their wives, but only a real asshole would betray his girlfriend." Buss adds, "Therapy was unsuccessful in this case."
--Dennis Littrell, author of “The World Is Not as We Think It Is”
July 20, 2017
This book astonished me. I had no idea that jealousy was so useful! I had no idea it was so necessary. I had no idea how dangerous it can be. David Buss made jealously make complete sense to me even while it's very complex. Mostly, he puts the onus on the liar and cheater, not the jealous partner.
I underlined and dog-eared many pages and excerpts. Here's one: "... less attractive men, usually unsuccessful in charming women, allotted far more time to tending the home nest, doing household chores, teaching children, and investing in the family. A man's attractiveness, in short, affects how he allots his limited time to getting outside sex or tending the home fires." Makes me want a less-attractive man!
Here's another: "Starting from scratch can be an enormously costly endeavor - in the search for a new mate, attracting and courting that new mate, and developing the relationship to the point where the couple becomes an intimate union." Don't I know that!
I underlined and dog-eared many pages and excerpts. Here's one: "... less attractive men, usually unsuccessful in charming women, allotted far more time to tending the home nest, doing household chores, teaching children, and investing in the family. A man's attractiveness, in short, affects how he allots his limited time to getting outside sex or tending the home fires." Makes me want a less-attractive man!
Here's another: "Starting from scratch can be an enormously costly endeavor - in the search for a new mate, attracting and courting that new mate, and developing the relationship to the point where the couple becomes an intimate union." Don't I know that!
June 12, 2021
I have read the first two-and-a-half chapters and cannot go on. Buss offers his empirically-supported views on evolutionary function of jealousy and even tries to give his reader a guide on how to utilize jealousy without getting into trouble. But he repeats the same argument over and over again throughout the pages I have read. I arguably value his ideas, but reading his articles is a much more informative and much less time-consuming way of learning about evolutionary psychology of jealousy.
May 5, 2025
Despite a promising early start that attempts to examine such topics as why men feel more jealous than women, along with a generous dump of numerous studies on the subject, David Buss is far too concerned to appeal to the self-help crowd rather than bona-fide thinkers. The nauseating checklists permeating this volume really turned me off. Buss, are you an academic or a huckster? Well, I'll split the difference and give a generous three star rating.
January 26, 2021
This further confirmed why I have trust issues and that men are disgusting.
December 31, 2018
Happy new year - this might come in handy:
The trouble with this type of book is there are so many references, in this case approximately 275. Now who’s going to read all of those, much less verify the research and so on. In addition, it can get tedious reading about all the studies as well as all the anecdotal evidence. After all, most of the research is based on self-report questionnaires and those only tell us what people imagine, think, or believe about them. In other words, they are not exactly reliable. As Bobbi Low said in her book Why Sex Matters, “What people say is often not consistent with what we observe them doing.” Low, like Buss, can be categorized as an evolutionary theorist (as am I), and she has 1,140 references, as well as glossary, author, subject, taxonomic, and society/social group indexes! She cites Buss four times. I like her style more. Nevertheless, this book ought to be read by serious thinkers, however, more often than not evolutionists are pooh-poohed because most of the world believes in some other story about how we humans came into being. Buss addresses this problem in the last chapter, “Emotional Wisdom”, saying “knowledge of sex differences [meaning that men and women have evolved different ‘strategies’ / behaviors when it comes to their instinctual emotions and motivations] is critical if we are to stand any chance of dealing with the evolved demons that lurk within all of us.” Others have called these demons “whisperings within” and “shadows of forgotten ancestors.” The point is—do so [ignore evolutionary motivations] at your peril. Because, as Buss states repeatedly, “evolution is an inherently competitive process.” His point about jealousy is that it “evolved to protect the loss of love and [especially] to a rival.” This is explained via the “theory of bond testing”, a method by which an individual makes a cost/benefit analysis and decision with regard to if they can trust a potential mate to stick with and by them through thick and thin [also known as love] when things go wrong – as they almost always do in the real world.
Jealousy is a complex emotion, a secondary emotion, a reflex/reaction to psychological pain and hurt that can manifest in rage, shame, depression, anxiety, confusion, suspicion, sorrow, injured pride, and fear of abandonment, as well as physical pain and the oft referenced “broken heart”, which can in fact lead to death—which evolution evolved us to resist. Jealousy is, Buss points out, a coping mechanism, an adaptation, not a pathology! That’s a “jagged little pill” for many mental health professionals. Jealousy is distinguished from envy, and it’s an important one. [Another reason to read the book.]
The rage and hate toward Donald Trump being expressed by Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and the rest of the political Left today can be explained, it can be argued, by jealousy, which is something I do in my just published book, Election 2016: the Great Divide, the Great Debate. You can read the press release here: www.markedwardjabbour.com and perhaps get a free copy, or purchase it here:
www.markjabbour.com .
Buss, early in the book, quoting Martin Daly and Margo Wilson define jealousy as: “a state that is aroused by a perceived [or real] threat to a valued relationship or position [emphasis mine] and motivates behavior at countering the threat.” And, “Jealousy motivates action designed to deal with the threat.” “Impeach forty-five!” and so on, and on, and on.
Buss reminds readers that jealousy and love are inextricable.
To that, a personal anecdote.
I once had a relationship with a woman who said she never experienced jealousy, and that seemed true to me and should have warned me not to take the relationship seriously. But, I didn’t heed the warning and fell for her. She was so confident in her exquisiteness that she couldn’t imagine a lover would ever leave her, and history has proven her correct. She is the one who leaves, always. Which can be interpreted, from the bond testing theory and Buss’s jealousy research, that she is incapable of loving another in the true sense of the word (through thick and thin, etc.)? Now, the reasons for her being unable to commit to love? That’s another discussion that other books have been written about. This, yes exquisite woman, is supporting evidence to the reticulate fact of love and jealousy—that you can’t have one without the other; and that jealousy is not a pathology but an evolved adaptation in the service of the survival of the human species.
The trouble with this type of book is there are so many references, in this case approximately 275. Now who’s going to read all of those, much less verify the research and so on. In addition, it can get tedious reading about all the studies as well as all the anecdotal evidence. After all, most of the research is based on self-report questionnaires and those only tell us what people imagine, think, or believe about them. In other words, they are not exactly reliable. As Bobbi Low said in her book Why Sex Matters, “What people say is often not consistent with what we observe them doing.” Low, like Buss, can be categorized as an evolutionary theorist (as am I), and she has 1,140 references, as well as glossary, author, subject, taxonomic, and society/social group indexes! She cites Buss four times. I like her style more. Nevertheless, this book ought to be read by serious thinkers, however, more often than not evolutionists are pooh-poohed because most of the world believes in some other story about how we humans came into being. Buss addresses this problem in the last chapter, “Emotional Wisdom”, saying “knowledge of sex differences [meaning that men and women have evolved different ‘strategies’ / behaviors when it comes to their instinctual emotions and motivations] is critical if we are to stand any chance of dealing with the evolved demons that lurk within all of us.” Others have called these demons “whisperings within” and “shadows of forgotten ancestors.” The point is—do so [ignore evolutionary motivations] at your peril. Because, as Buss states repeatedly, “evolution is an inherently competitive process.” His point about jealousy is that it “evolved to protect the loss of love and [especially] to a rival.” This is explained via the “theory of bond testing”, a method by which an individual makes a cost/benefit analysis and decision with regard to if they can trust a potential mate to stick with and by them through thick and thin [also known as love] when things go wrong – as they almost always do in the real world.
Jealousy is a complex emotion, a secondary emotion, a reflex/reaction to psychological pain and hurt that can manifest in rage, shame, depression, anxiety, confusion, suspicion, sorrow, injured pride, and fear of abandonment, as well as physical pain and the oft referenced “broken heart”, which can in fact lead to death—which evolution evolved us to resist. Jealousy is, Buss points out, a coping mechanism, an adaptation, not a pathology! That’s a “jagged little pill” for many mental health professionals. Jealousy is distinguished from envy, and it’s an important one. [Another reason to read the book.]
The rage and hate toward Donald Trump being expressed by Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and the rest of the political Left today can be explained, it can be argued, by jealousy, which is something I do in my just published book, Election 2016: the Great Divide, the Great Debate. You can read the press release here: www.markedwardjabbour.com and perhaps get a free copy, or purchase it here:
www.markjabbour.com .
Buss, early in the book, quoting Martin Daly and Margo Wilson define jealousy as: “a state that is aroused by a perceived [or real] threat to a valued relationship or position [emphasis mine] and motivates behavior at countering the threat.” And, “Jealousy motivates action designed to deal with the threat.” “Impeach forty-five!” and so on, and on, and on.
Buss reminds readers that jealousy and love are inextricable.
To that, a personal anecdote.
I once had a relationship with a woman who said she never experienced jealousy, and that seemed true to me and should have warned me not to take the relationship seriously. But, I didn’t heed the warning and fell for her. She was so confident in her exquisiteness that she couldn’t imagine a lover would ever leave her, and history has proven her correct. She is the one who leaves, always. Which can be interpreted, from the bond testing theory and Buss’s jealousy research, that she is incapable of loving another in the true sense of the word (through thick and thin, etc.)? Now, the reasons for her being unable to commit to love? That’s another discussion that other books have been written about. This, yes exquisite woman, is supporting evidence to the reticulate fact of love and jealousy—that you can’t have one without the other; and that jealousy is not a pathology but an evolved adaptation in the service of the survival of the human species.
August 8, 2019
I'm interested in psychology and the psychology of relationships fascinate me, which is why I picked up this book. I rated it highly because, even though I read a lot of psychology books, this one had material I've not read before. I took away a few stars because 1) the title is a misleading, and 2) the writing style is quite research-y.
With respect to the misleading title, the author DOES cover jealousy, but a good portion of the book (half?) discusses infidelity and other subjects related to jealousy. I don't mind the material, but I think the title should reflect the content. As I mentioned, the writing style is research-y. Most of the details are relevant to what the author is saying (e.g., details about the tribes where research took place) but the way it was presented is more like a research paper than a book to inform a general audience.
I do recommend this book and I'd give it 3.5 stars rather than three if I could. If the title intrigues you, don't let my comments about it being to research-y scare you away. The book might not deliver exactly what you expect, but it does deliver interesting and novel (to me, at least) material.
With respect to the misleading title, the author DOES cover jealousy, but a good portion of the book (half?) discusses infidelity and other subjects related to jealousy. I don't mind the material, but I think the title should reflect the content. As I mentioned, the writing style is research-y. Most of the details are relevant to what the author is saying (e.g., details about the tribes where research took place) but the way it was presented is more like a research paper than a book to inform a general audience.
I do recommend this book and I'd give it 3.5 stars rather than three if I could. If the title intrigues you, don't let my comments about it being to research-y scare you away. The book might not deliver exactly what you expect, but it does deliver interesting and novel (to me, at least) material.
October 1, 2018
Just as cognitive science, neurology, endocrinology etc. begin to make the DSM look like a classification of symptoms with little in the way of an aetiological foundation, evolutionary psychology begins to make sense of some major and too often dangerous emotions which on the surface seem irrational.
They are more curb-able than cure-able. And given their destructive power and underlying roots, require more effective treatment and active dissuasion. A stalker or ex-partner killer requires far more protection from their own intended behaviour than most other criminal intent.
Patriarchy theory has some constructive contributions, but is missing a substrate. (See Boys Will Be Boys: An exploration of power, patriarchy and the toxic bonds of mateship)
They are more curb-able than cure-able. And given their destructive power and underlying roots, require more effective treatment and active dissuasion. A stalker or ex-partner killer requires far more protection from their own intended behaviour than most other criminal intent.
Patriarchy theory has some constructive contributions, but is missing a substrate. (See Boys Will Be Boys: An exploration of power, patriarchy and the toxic bonds of mateship)
December 12, 2025
𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘶𝘴𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺. 𝘏𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘬𝘪𝘥𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦' 𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘧𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘺𝘳𝘪𝘹@𝘨𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘭.𝘤𝘰𝘮 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘵' 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘶𝘨𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘴𝘈𝘱𝘱 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘭𝘶𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘥, 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘮𝘢𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘧𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘺𝘳𝘪𝘹@𝘨𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘭.𝘤𝘰𝘮 “ 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘶𝘦𝘭 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 😫💔
January 6, 2021
Scientific truth on jealousy
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to know about the science of jealousy. The author explains in detail the stories of many individuals who have experienced such powerful emotion backed up with studies and their results. Just hope one day it becomes available in audio as well.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to know about the science of jealousy. The author explains in detail the stories of many individuals who have experienced such powerful emotion backed up with studies and their results. Just hope one day it becomes available in audio as well.
June 13, 2019
Scientific look at feelings as necessary in regards to sex and love. Pretty interesting. Definitely gets you thinking about what love is, and whether jealousy is really required in this day and age where traditional sex roles are no longer required.
March 4, 2022
Very thorough explanation of the theories behind jealousy and quite a few interesting tidbits, but I must say that it was quite repetitive. Would probably be a bit more exciting for someone with no background in evolutionary psychology.
May 15, 2023
This first half of the book was incredibly insightful and certainly broke some schemes I had around jealousy.
Towards the end of the book, the information started getting a bit repetitive, but overall very interesting and it certainly changed my mindset around jealousy.
Towards the end of the book, the information started getting a bit repetitive, but overall very interesting and it certainly changed my mindset around jealousy.
April 29, 2024
Who would have thought that jealousy is a vital part of any relationship! It's almost as crucial an emotion for successful mating as love itself. It may have a negative connotation but as far as getting and keeping or guarding a mate goes, it seems like a virtue.
April 5, 2025
Excellent. Good validation for our error management systems and it's possibility for over perception sometimes to protect us considering the dangers in loss of a mate.
As usual, interested in feminist critiques of David buss and possibly an integrative approach from the Jungian Psychs.
As usual, interested in feminist critiques of David buss and possibly an integrative approach from the Jungian Psychs.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 3, 2018
Awesome!!
January 26, 2018
Another good book by the author. Considers human jealousy as part of adaptive mechanism that often is necessary for a happy relationships.
October 23, 2022
Een hoop open deuren intrappen, maar dan onderbouwd met wetenschappelijk onderzoek. Interessant onderwerp. Leest wel okay, maar veel herhaling.
November 21, 2024
This book really opens your eyes to the unspoken truths of inter-gender competition and interaction.
December 17, 2024
it was a book. good for writing papers.
January 31, 2014
Initially, I read after getting caught up in the jealousy trap of two male friends. But most of this was much too in-depth or didn't apply to that simple scenario. I finished the book and used it for research for my fiction writing. Quite fascinating though I probably could have deducted a lot of this from watching Spanish novellas.
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