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كوني سعيدة دون أن تبلغي الكمال
* کمال گرایی آری- کمال پرستی خیر
310 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
86 people are currently reading
776 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 94 reviews
November 30, 2014
لكل إمرأة، زوجة، أم، موظفة، ربة منزل أنصحها بقراءة هذا الكتاب. وخاصةً لمن تُعاني من هوس الكمال! الضحية التي تقع في دوامة الشك وتأنيب الضمير والتدقيق في التفاصيل والتذمر من شريك حياتها والمبالغة في الخوف على أبنائها ومقارنتها الظالمة لنفسها مع غيرها، والانتقاص من ذاتها لدرجة الخجل والشعور بالدونية. عند قراءة هذا الكتاب بكافة فصوله وما يحتويه من قصص مرضى الدكتورة أليس دومار -التي تُعبر عن حال أغلب النساء في أي مجتمع- حتمًا ستشعر بالأسف على هَؤُلاءِ النسوة!
علمًا بأن المُلام في صراع المرأةِ هذا هو الإعلام الجديد بكافة صورهِ من عارضات الأزياء وجميلات أغلفة المجلات ومارثا ستيوارت ورايتشل راي وكل ما يختص بالموضة والجمال والرشاقة والديكور والطبخ بمنتهى الترتيب والمثالية والسرعة كذلك! جميع تلك الصور والمشاهد التي لا نرى منها إلا الصور النهائية بعد عمليات تنقيح وتنقية طويلة، ولن نُصدق مالا يُرى، وهو بطبيعة الحال ما يحدث خلف الكواليس والفوضى التي تمخضت عنها هذه النهاية الكاملة، ولو طبقنا كل ما نشاهده فلن نحقق جزء يسير من تلك المثاليةِ الزائفة! لذلك فإن الواقع أبسط بكثير من التكلف الذي قد يقود المرأة إلى الكآبة أو احتقار الذات في نهاية المطاف!
ذكرت الدكتورة أليس عن إحدى المريضات أن ابنتها المراهقة حضرت مع صديقاتها حلقة دراسية عن "صورة الجسد واحترام الذات للفتيات اليافعات (اللاتي لما يبلغن الثالثة عشرة من أعمارهن بعد)" شاهدن شريط فيديو على الإنترنت عرض لهن فريقًا من فناني المكياج وخبراء الحاسوب يحولون امرأة عادية جدًا بوجه تملؤه البثرات وشعر غير مصفف إلى امرأة فائقة الجمال، فجعلوا منها عارضة أزياء حقيقية!
وجدت هذا الرابط، وأعتقد أن الفكرة مُشابهة..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYYkt...
هذا ما يفعله بكِ العالم المادي حتى تكوني أُلْعوبة في يده من أجل السباق المحموم الاستهلاكي دائمًا!
الخلاصة التي لابُد أن تَعِيها المرأة وتتعايش معها، وهي الحقيقة لسلامتها العقلية والقلبية؛ "أنتِ لستِ مثالية، ولا يجب أن تكوني كذلك، بل كوني سعيدة دون أن تبلغي الكمال".
September 16, 2008
So, I was ironing my pillowcases when I decided to take a break and read this book. But then I got distracted and had to make muffins from scratch and fold the towels correctly. Then, later that day at work, I got annoyed because no one moves as fast or works as hard as me. Then I decided to work out, but after realizing that I wouldn't be able to devote a full hour to lifting, said "screw it" and went home to spend three hours doing freelancing. I'm pretty sure this book has nothing to do with me anyway.
Ok, so this book got a little too "self-helpy" at times but it was excellent just for the fact that it made me recognize when my all or nothing thinking is getting in the way of enjoying life - at work, at home and in my marriage. Of course, I am married to a super perfectionist so there is probably no hope for us.
However, this book also made me question - what's WRONG with striving for the best? As long as it is not causing undue anxiety or problems with relationships?
Anyway, I laughed when they described examples of crazy perfectionism: recopying grocery lists because they are not neat enough (guilty), rewashing dishes washed in the dishwasher because they have water spots (guilty), thinking people are dumb b/c they do things differently or slower than you do (triple guilty).
I need a lobotomy. This is all my mother's fault.
Ok, so this book got a little too "self-helpy" at times but it was excellent just for the fact that it made me recognize when my all or nothing thinking is getting in the way of enjoying life - at work, at home and in my marriage. Of course, I am married to a super perfectionist so there is probably no hope for us.
However, this book also made me question - what's WRONG with striving for the best? As long as it is not causing undue anxiety or problems with relationships?
Anyway, I laughed when they described examples of crazy perfectionism: recopying grocery lists because they are not neat enough (guilty), rewashing dishes washed in the dishwasher because they have water spots (guilty), thinking people are dumb b/c they do things differently or slower than you do (triple guilty).
I need a lobotomy. This is all my mother's fault.
September 10, 2019
A 2 hour audio book worth listening to.
But honestly, I did skip some chapters because I cannot relate or not interesting to me like the parenting and things related to married couple, but I did enjoy listening to most parts related to being perfectionist at work and how to divert your thinking of everything needing to be perfect.
This is informative and educational.
But honestly, I did skip some chapters because I cannot relate or not interesting to me like the parenting and things related to married couple, but I did enjoy listening to most parts related to being perfectionist at work and how to divert your thinking of everything needing to be perfect.
This is informative and educational.
May 30, 2022
عظيم ونافع!
*ربما أعود لمراجعته لاحقا.
*ربما أعود لمراجعته لاحقا.
January 13, 2011
Much of this book was not relevant to my life because I don't have kids (lots of stuff on dealing with kids) or a negative body image and I, apparently, am not as much of a perfectionist as my family would have people believe. It was also a bit redundant and boring, but had a few good tips on relaxtion and re-training the brain. Would recommend to individuals who I feel truely have an issue with perfectionism, but I'm not sure that I know anyone who does. Would not recommend the audio version to others...stick with the book. The reader on the audio version is a bit annoying.
March 22, 2010
Have you ever read a book and thought "They have totally got my number!" ? Well, this book is painfully accurate about my life.
Co-written with a psychologist, this book starts out by addressing the social influences and pressures, especially on women beginning in the 1940's, to have everything perfect. It points out that media and consumer culture (especially the culture of Martha and Rachaele Ray) exists purely to sell us an image that is basically unachievable (unless you also have scores of makeup artists, set dressers, cooks, etc. helping you) and in turn sell us things to make us feel more successful.
Once the societal pressures are covered in the first few chapters, the following couple of chapters help identify whether you are a perfectionist, or essentially discover whether you're letting perfectionism affect your life and create anxiety and depression. (Here I check a big box for YES and ALSO YES)
After that, it introduces coping mechanisms, exercises, and a chapter-by-chapter examination of how perfectionism can play out in careers, scheduling, decisions, and relationships. I hate to use the term "eye-opening" but it really was.
One of the best takeaways from this book is the point that everyone should be mindful of their priorities when making decisions. When you are saying "yes" to one thing and agreeing to spend your time on it, you are saying "no" to spending your time on something else. And if the thing you're saying "no" to is more important to you, you need to spend more time making decisions to be able to really follow what you want. This may include turning down things that sound fun, or just essentially developing the habit of telling people that "you'll get back to them" in order to give yourself time to ruminate. As someone who perpetually overextended herself, I find this incredibly important in re-evaluating how I make decisions.
If you find yourself continually stressed about issues like housework and whether you're doing enough for your friends, then it would probably be a good idea to check out this book. I'm returning the library copy tomorrow!
Co-written with a psychologist, this book starts out by addressing the social influences and pressures, especially on women beginning in the 1940's, to have everything perfect. It points out that media and consumer culture (especially the culture of Martha and Rachaele Ray) exists purely to sell us an image that is basically unachievable (unless you also have scores of makeup artists, set dressers, cooks, etc. helping you) and in turn sell us things to make us feel more successful.
Once the societal pressures are covered in the first few chapters, the following couple of chapters help identify whether you are a perfectionist, or essentially discover whether you're letting perfectionism affect your life and create anxiety and depression. (Here I check a big box for YES and ALSO YES)
After that, it introduces coping mechanisms, exercises, and a chapter-by-chapter examination of how perfectionism can play out in careers, scheduling, decisions, and relationships. I hate to use the term "eye-opening" but it really was.
One of the best takeaways from this book is the point that everyone should be mindful of their priorities when making decisions. When you are saying "yes" to one thing and agreeing to spend your time on it, you are saying "no" to spending your time on something else. And if the thing you're saying "no" to is more important to you, you need to spend more time making decisions to be able to really follow what you want. This may include turning down things that sound fun, or just essentially developing the habit of telling people that "you'll get back to them" in order to give yourself time to ruminate. As someone who perpetually overextended herself, I find this incredibly important in re-evaluating how I make decisions.
If you find yourself continually stressed about issues like housework and whether you're doing enough for your friends, then it would probably be a good idea to check out this book. I'm returning the library copy tomorrow!
October 27, 2010
Maybe if this had been one of the first books I'd read about happiness, I might have a different opinion about it. I ended up skimming most of it. It was written in a casual, upbeat tone, began with a quiz, and was set up like a typical self-help book. The recommendations in each chapter also seemed a bit repetitive.
The book isn't bad, but as I seem to have moved into a more inside-out approach with my happiness project, the simple "try these 5 techniques" style of this book isn't really what I'm looking for.
The book isn't bad, but as I seem to have moved into a more inside-out approach with my happiness project, the simple "try these 5 techniques" style of this book isn't really what I'm looking for.
March 29, 2013
يقدم كتاب كوني سعيدة دون أن تبلغي الكمال، طريقة لكسر القيود التي تفرضها الذات
ويسببها التفكير، إضافة إلى حلول حقيقية ونصائح علمية، الكتاب جمييل في أسلوبه
ربما تكون/ين ممن يعاني من هوس الكمال في جانب من جوانب الحياة دون أن تدري
"كما حدث معيّ"!
أنصح بقراءة الكتاب جميل جداً وممتع.
من اصدارات العبيكان.
ويسببها التفكير، إضافة إلى حلول حقيقية ونصائح علمية، الكتاب جمييل في أسلوبه
ربما تكون/ين ممن يعاني من هوس الكمال في جانب من جوانب الحياة دون أن تدري
"كما حدث معيّ"!
أنصح بقراءة الكتاب جميل جداً وممتع.
من اصدارات العبيكان.
January 14, 2024
It wasn't as relevant as I thought. I only scored as a perfectionist in one area of my life so the rest of the book didn't help me. That being said, it totally woke me up to that one area with tips on how to change my thinking. I'm already working on those changes using the tips provided in the book.
September 25, 2021
Interesting self-help book talks about the behavior of perfectionists, how to know you are among them, and how to overcome it. The sequence of the book is good; staring with an overview about perfectionism and the difference between it and OCD, moving forward by talking about a strong technique to deal with it which is “cognitive restructuring”, then - the most important chapter in my opinion - describing the different techniques to help us get control of ourselves and destroy the perfectionist in us (which by the way can be used in healing anxiety and stress in general), finally talking in the last 6 chapters about each and every aspect of our life, how perfectionist react to them and how we can react to perfectionism in them.
You do not need to be a perfectionist to benefit from this book. As long as you are a woman, you will for sure have an important take away. :)
Starting from chapter 5 on, Each chapter is a standalone study about perfectionism in one aspect of the woman’s life: her body, her home, her relationship, her work, being a mother and her decisions. Each chapter explains how perfectionism can affect this part of our lives, different real-life examples, and the solution suggested.
You can read this book as is from the first paper to the last one, or you can read each chapter separately and choose the chapter that tackles your problem.
The good thing about the book also is that you feel while reading the book that the writer is having a casual conversation with you. The language of the book is very simple and warm. The book is very engaging.
You do not need to be a perfectionist to benefit from this book. As long as you are a woman, you will for sure have an important take away. :)
Starting from chapter 5 on, Each chapter is a standalone study about perfectionism in one aspect of the woman’s life: her body, her home, her relationship, her work, being a mother and her decisions. Each chapter explains how perfectionism can affect this part of our lives, different real-life examples, and the solution suggested.
You can read this book as is from the first paper to the last one, or you can read each chapter separately and choose the chapter that tackles your problem.
The good thing about the book also is that you feel while reading the book that the writer is having a casual conversation with you. The language of the book is very simple and warm. The book is very engaging.
August 19, 2018
الكتاب بالمجمل لفت الإنتباه إلى مشكلة مهمة و دقيقة قد تكون هي الأساس في خلخلة علاقات الكثير ، و مما راق لي كان موجهًا بشكل شخصي إلى النساء بالرغم أن هذه المشكلة قد تواجه كلا الطرفين ، استمتعت جدا بالجزء التاريخي لعمل المرأة في أمري��ا و علاقة هذا التاريخ بهوس الكمال لكن للأسف الشديد وجدته كغيره من كتب تنمية الذات المليء بالثرثرة و الحلول الغير واضحة و العملية ، من المشاكل التي أنتقدها في هذا الكتاب: التكرار كان الإختبار المطروح في بداية هذا الكتاب شديد الدقة في تحديد مدى هذا الهوس و سيطرته على جوانب حياتنا لكن الحالات التي طرحت كانت غير شاملة و مكررة ببعض التعديلات مما أصابني بالضجر و الفتور ، و التركيز على المنزل و التربية والإخلال بالجوانب الأخرى ، و الإختزال لبعض العوامل المهمة التي قد تشارك فيه مما جعله قليل الفائدة.
خلاصة الكتاب: أن الهوس شعور داخلي ينمو بتغذيته بالتفكير و الإستجابة له عن طريق الأفعال ، و بالرغم أن الكاتبة قد فرقت بينه وبين الوسواس القهري إلا أنني أجده يشترك معه في الحل السلوكي بعدم إعطاء الأفكار أهمية و المقاومة من فعل ما يحثه هذا الشعور ، بالإضافة إلى الرضا بالنتيجة الكافية لا المثالية ، و رؤية الأمور من زاوية أخرى إيجابية قد تساعد في التخفيف من هذا الهوس ، و تعزيز العلاقات و ممارسة الرياضات الروحية أمر مهم في تحقيق هذه القناعة النفسية و توازن الذات.
خلاصة الكتاب: أن الهوس شعور داخلي ينمو بتغذيته بالتفكير و الإستجابة له عن طريق الأفعال ، و بالرغم أن الكاتبة قد فرقت بينه وبين الوسواس القهري إلا أنني أجده يشترك معه في الحل السلوكي بعدم إعطاء الأفكار أهمية و المقاومة من فعل ما يحثه هذا الشعور ، بالإضافة إلى الرضا بالنتيجة الكافية لا المثالية ، و رؤية الأمور من زاوية أخرى إيجابية قد تساعد في التخفيف من هذا الهوس ، و تعزيز العلاقات و ممارسة الرياضات الروحية أمر مهم في تحقيق هذه القناعة النفسية و توازن الذات.
July 8, 2008
I want to go back and get my masters degree in the nest few years and specialize in counseling for women so that is why I read this book. Maybe someday I will write a paper about it-it was that good. It has information in it to help most women who suffer from perfection deception - as it is coined in this book. I think we can all benefit from parts of it. She helps by offering tips on how to overcome anxiety, relax more, and let things go. I don't know that I have ever met a woman who didn't need to bea little easier on herself in some way or another.
September 22, 2016
OMG HELL NO. 6 hours into this book, I am abandoning ship. Was this written in 1996 and intended for 40-something working moms? When I got to the chapter on perfectionism at work-- the part that should speak to me the most-- it told me about how "men and women just operate differently in the workplace." It also advised me in very specific terms on how to dress at work, involving "a rainbow of shells."
Ultimately? Some useful nuggets, but mostly only for 45+ mommy women with traditional gender roles in their marriages. Not me!
Ultimately? Some useful nuggets, but mostly only for 45+ mommy women with traditional gender roles in their marriages. Not me!
November 6, 2015
I listened to this as an audiobook, read by the same woman who reads the Mrs. Piggle Wiggle stories to my kids. It was very helpful and gives great tips about cognitive restructuring and interesting quotes from real women, some who are still struggling, and some who have made big steps in the right direction. Domar helped me understand perfectionist traits in myself and my offspring, but not in a condemning way. Very helpful.
March 24, 2015
ناشدات الكمال؟ ماذا عن ناشدين الكمال؟
ربما لأن هوس الكمال يلاحق النساء أكثر من الرجال؟ ربما!
كتاب لجلد الذات من الدرجة الاولى ومهم لكل أنثى وخاصة للأمهات :( باْذن الله هديتي لأمي بيوم العيد سيكون هذا الكتاب (أن لم أنسى)
"يبدو أن ترقب أن يكون كل شيء كاملاً هو أمر جيد. نعيش في عالم ممتلئ بالنقائص إلى حد بعيد يلومنا إن أردنا أن نجعل الزاوية البسيطة التي نحتلها فيه مثالية."
ربما لأن هوس الكمال يلاحق النساء أكثر من الرجال؟ ربما!
كتاب لجلد الذات من الدرجة الاولى ومهم لكل أنثى وخاصة للأمهات :( باْذن الله هديتي لأمي بيوم العيد سيكون هذا الكتاب (أن لم أنسى)
"يبدو أن ترقب أن يكون كل شيء كاملاً هو أمر جيد. نعيش في عالم ممتلئ بالنقائص إلى حد بعيد يلومنا إن أردنا أن نجعل الزاوية البسيطة التي نحتلها فيه مثالية."
October 24, 2018
what a pity that valuable advice was so smothered in sexism and stereotypes
June 16, 2022
I grabbed this book on a whim at a garage sale, and it was the first book that I really resonated with on a deep emotional level. I literally would get off of work and rush home to read (a very new concept for me). As a self proclaimed perfectionist in my personal and work life, this book taught me how to view myself in a bigger picture and bigger way and to not be so self critical. I found myself crying as I reflected on how my perfectionism has played in previous relationships and conflict throughout my adulthood and reflect on how to change my thinking and show more flexibility with myself and others. I think the most important thing I learned was how to show myself grace and compassion and how much easier it is to extend that to others. There is a chapter on parenting, which I just skipped over, but overall I would absolutely recommend anyone read this book.
October 30, 2021
Very useful in getting rid of the stress that we suffer from because of the way we deal with things.
You need to read it with concentration and may be more than once. The book is generally useful for everyone to relieve the pressures of life, not just for women. For those who prefer listening, the book is available on the Storytel app.
مفيد جدا في التخلص من التوتر الذي نعاني منه بسبب طريقة تعاملنا مع الأمور .مفيد جدا انصح بقراءته وتطبيق التقنيات الموجوده فيه .
تحتاجين الى قراءته بتركيز وربما اكثرمن مره .الكتاب مفيد بشكل عام للجميع للتخفيف من ضغوط الحياه وليس للنساء فقط . لمحبي الاستماع ، الكتاب موجود على تطبيق ستوري تل .
You need to read it with concentration and may be more than once. The book is generally useful for everyone to relieve the pressures of life, not just for women. For those who prefer listening, the book is available on the Storytel app.
مفيد جدا في التخلص من التوتر الذي نعاني منه بسبب طريقة تعاملنا مع الأمور .مفيد جدا انصح بقراءته وتطبيق التقنيات الموجوده فيه .
تحتاجين الى قراءته بتركيز وربما اكثرمن مره .الكتاب مفيد بشكل عام للجميع للتخفيف من ضغوط الحياه وليس للنساء فقط . لمحبي الاستماع ، الكتاب موجود على تطبيق ستوري تل .
September 19, 2017
I fee as though 3 stars is overly harsh. This wasn't a bad book, but self-help books just have never been my thing. I'm definitely a perfectionist and I did glean some good suggestions/recommendations from this book, but it didn't always hold my interest. Also a lot of the suggestions, are great but not entirely practical (sometimes the kiddos won't let you do a mini refresh no matter how you try). Anyway, if you're a perfectionist and recognize it and want to change it- this is a good book for you, but you have to be already wanting to change for it to have an impact.
February 23, 2018
2.5stars. The author's voice bugged me. Her views on stay-at-home parents seemed to have a little condescending undertones with the examples or generalizations she gave (and I've been a working mom, part-time working mom, stay-at-home mom, and work part-time from home mom so I've been all of it.) Her facts are spot on but her examples for improvement & suggestions felt a little too "just snap out of it & do it different" to me. Good for recognizing perfectionist patterns & where you should be, but less helpful on steps in between.
July 9, 2019
This book was a surprise for me because I expected something completely different from the title. I put it on hold on Libby a long time ago and when I finally got it I had no idea what to expect.
I'm not gonna lie, I know I'm not the most laid back person ever, but I wasn't expecting to listen that some of my most common behaviors could possibly be harmful to my mental health. Perfectionism is such a cliché word that I wouldn't have used it to describe myself, but here I was, realizing I have very evident traits, but also learning to deal with them.
I'm not gonna lie, I know I'm not the most laid back person ever, but I wasn't expecting to listen that some of my most common behaviors could possibly be harmful to my mental health. Perfectionism is such a cliché word that I wouldn't have used it to describe myself, but here I was, realizing I have very evident traits, but also learning to deal with them.
August 6, 2019
This book was eye opening for me. I knew I was a perfectionist in some areas but I didn't realize the extent in others. I see some of my tendencies in a new light and have learned some tricks to help me. I listened to the audio book and think it would be better to read a printed version for easier note-taking and skipping around. My rating reflects feeling this book is good but was a bit too repetitive to be great. Wanted to get to the point more and give a better summary at the end with recap of tips.
January 28, 2020
4.5 out of 5. I didn't realize until reading this book that so much of my anxiety and depression issues stem from perfectionism. To be honest I didn't really think I was that much of a perfectionist, because in the society and culture I live in, this is pretty normal behavior. There are so many women that deal with these same issues. Many times during this book I felt like the author was describing me perfectly. All in all I felt like I got some great insight into overcoming these tendencies. Another step closer to figuring out why I am the way I am.
March 2, 2021
Some good insights, but could definitely use a 2021 update to be more inclusive beyond a heteronormative family unit and expanding on gender roles. I choked on my coffee when she expected us to praise our SO for contributing to the household because their fathers didn’t do squat and omg husband of the year medal because they took out the trash. I also cringed majorly when she gave the example of the woman researching doctors for a medical procedure and who said she would eliminate all doctors with an accent. I know it was an example, but it definitely did NOT age well.
May 30, 2022
I am glad I listened to this audiobook. When I started listening to it, it seemed totally cheesy, but a week later I found I'd been totally using Domar's tools and benefitting from them, so I finished it. This is hard to articulate, but it seems like Domar has figured out The Perfect Way to not be a perfectionist... and in some ways I found it hard to measure up to her example. However this gave me some insight about what it is like hang out with a perfectionist (cringe...). Anyway, like I said, I'm glad I read it. It was thought-provoking and gave me some good tools going forward.
July 18, 2017
This book describes, at length, examples of perfectionism in body image, at work, at home, when parenting, and when making decisions. The also provides short descriptions of strategies to overcome perfectionist tendencies; but the descriptions are summary. I thought this book would unpack more about strategies to overcome perfectionist tendencies rather than describing how to recognize perfectionism and how it can be harmful. A little disappointed.
June 28, 2018
The target audience for this book is the married woman with kids. Several examples are geared toward this audience.
Chock full of coping mechanisms including mindfulness (meditation, breathing exercises), thinking distortions (negative thinking, catastrophysinng, black and white thinking), interpersonal skiils (gender differences) even time mannagement (prioritizing)
Chock full of coping mechanisms including mindfulness (meditation, breathing exercises), thinking distortions (negative thinking, catastrophysinng, black and white thinking), interpersonal skiils (gender differences) even time mannagement (prioritizing)
October 11, 2018
S'alright.
November 1, 2018
Perception, Perspective, Permission
February 12, 2019
This was a good and fast read. This book was about having a happy life without expecting perfection from yourself and others.
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