What do you think?
Rate this book
Discipline That Lasts a Lifetime Publisher: Servant Books
Author, counselor, broadcaster and dad, Dr. Ray Guarendi, offers parents practical advice about disciplining children to form their children's character and to teach them the basics of living, moral responsibility, and respect. A Servant Book.
Paperback
First published March 31, 2003
105 people are currently reading
410 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
July 14, 2014
Dr. Guarendi's humoristic inserts can get to be irritating after a while. Some people might enjoy his random quips, "Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. I'm sorry. I never used to talk like that it. It all started when I became a psychologist" (pg. 124). Or, as seen in how he ends his response to a parent's questions about a child who no longer loves going to school. He suggests that the separation is helpful (they can't always be with you, after all) and to remind the child that school is not optional. The closing line, though, is "As one who specializes in knowing the mind of a child I often ask, 'Who knows the mind of a child?'" (pg. 185). Some readers might enjoy his sense of humor, but I found it overused and often annoying.
Yet slipped inside were some solid gems of parental wisdom. Many were of the reassuring nature, such as just because someone questions your parenting strategy (child, grandparent, neighbor, etc.) doesn't mean it's the wrong strategy to use. He also makes it a point to highlight normal child development behaviors and responses, which I think are often times wrongly labeled as defiant, obstinate, and troublesome behaviors by a large portion of the adult population. Few kids are going to appreciate the connection between their procrastination at bedtime, thereby "choosing" to get ready for bed 15 minutes earlier the next day. All but a few of the most laidback (meek?) kids will protest in some way or another their disapproval at the choice they just made. Just like any adult regrets going 75 in a 60 mph speed zone once the officer is writing out his ticket. Most of us just keep the long list of descriptive adjectives about our choice to ourselves knowing that if we don't we could face ANOTHER ticket. Kids need practice managing their affect appropriately. Dr. Guarendi reminds adults that this is part of their job as caregivers to help children learn those affect management skills.
For kids of writing age, Dr. Guarendi is clearly a fan of written consequences. Disrespectful talks results in a one page essay on what respect looks like or how Mother Theresa embodied respectfulness, etc. Probably one of my favorite ideas from this book was on page 161 where he mentioned his mother saying, "If you have to talk like that, you need a better vocabulary" and so you could suggest they find and define ten words with the letter "z" in the middle or find and define 15 words 3 syllables or more that end in "ion." A consequence like that certainly serves the additional purpose of enriching the child's vocabulary along with a kind reminder that using harmful words is not acceptable.
Another helpful topic was discipline at less than convenient times (i.e., in the car, while on the phone, Chapter 8). He provides actual strategies, such as making it clear what the expectations are during the 5 hour car ride (regarding fighting, yelling, volume level etc.) and then you can either stop the car if able to do so or levy the consequence when you're back home or at your destination. The consequence doesn't have to be immediate, especially with children in grade school who have started to figure out cause and effect. He does remind parents not to threaten what you won't back up. If you can't stop the car, then don't say "Knock it off or I'll pull this car over." If you can, though, do it, especially if you're headed some place they want to go (party, swimming, etc.).
On the phone the author suggests establishing the expectations first, of course, and then any infraction could be handled after the call, if you prefer not to hang up on the caller immediately. For instance, any interruptions results in 15 minutes less video/tv time or an older child could write a 50 word apology to both you and the person you were speaking to. Just make sure the expectations (and consequences) are clear before your next phone call. He reminds parents also to notice when your expectations ARE met, as well, and to point it out to the child and to thank her for making such a respectful choice.
Lastly, I did enjoy the question/answer style that he used. It's valuable to see what questions other parents have and to see actual do this or that tips rather than some vague "kids need discipline" mantra that plenty of other self-proclaimed experts use. By the way, the author has 10 kids of his own, so he's got some first-hand knowledge of parenting, as well. He got his Masters at Case Western University and his Doctoral Degree is from Kent State University; I think it's always good to know where there training came from (or didn't come from as is too often the case!) As a side note, there are occasional mentions of God woven throughout the pages for those who might care one way or another.Overall, I'm grateful for the suggestion to have read this book. While I still prefer authors Chick Moorman and Dr. John Gottman, I do think this book is worth reading, too.
Yet slipped inside were some solid gems of parental wisdom. Many were of the reassuring nature, such as just because someone questions your parenting strategy (child, grandparent, neighbor, etc.) doesn't mean it's the wrong strategy to use. He also makes it a point to highlight normal child development behaviors and responses, which I think are often times wrongly labeled as defiant, obstinate, and troublesome behaviors by a large portion of the adult population. Few kids are going to appreciate the connection between their procrastination at bedtime, thereby "choosing" to get ready for bed 15 minutes earlier the next day. All but a few of the most laidback (meek?) kids will protest in some way or another their disapproval at the choice they just made. Just like any adult regrets going 75 in a 60 mph speed zone once the officer is writing out his ticket. Most of us just keep the long list of descriptive adjectives about our choice to ourselves knowing that if we don't we could face ANOTHER ticket. Kids need practice managing their affect appropriately. Dr. Guarendi reminds adults that this is part of their job as caregivers to help children learn those affect management skills.
For kids of writing age, Dr. Guarendi is clearly a fan of written consequences. Disrespectful talks results in a one page essay on what respect looks like or how Mother Theresa embodied respectfulness, etc. Probably one of my favorite ideas from this book was on page 161 where he mentioned his mother saying, "If you have to talk like that, you need a better vocabulary" and so you could suggest they find and define ten words with the letter "z" in the middle or find and define 15 words 3 syllables or more that end in "ion." A consequence like that certainly serves the additional purpose of enriching the child's vocabulary along with a kind reminder that using harmful words is not acceptable.
Another helpful topic was discipline at less than convenient times (i.e., in the car, while on the phone, Chapter 8). He provides actual strategies, such as making it clear what the expectations are during the 5 hour car ride (regarding fighting, yelling, volume level etc.) and then you can either stop the car if able to do so or levy the consequence when you're back home or at your destination. The consequence doesn't have to be immediate, especially with children in grade school who have started to figure out cause and effect. He does remind parents not to threaten what you won't back up. If you can't stop the car, then don't say "Knock it off or I'll pull this car over." If you can, though, do it, especially if you're headed some place they want to go (party, swimming, etc.).
On the phone the author suggests establishing the expectations first, of course, and then any infraction could be handled after the call, if you prefer not to hang up on the caller immediately. For instance, any interruptions results in 15 minutes less video/tv time or an older child could write a 50 word apology to both you and the person you were speaking to. Just make sure the expectations (and consequences) are clear before your next phone call. He reminds parents also to notice when your expectations ARE met, as well, and to point it out to the child and to thank her for making such a respectful choice.
Lastly, I did enjoy the question/answer style that he used. It's valuable to see what questions other parents have and to see actual do this or that tips rather than some vague "kids need discipline" mantra that plenty of other self-proclaimed experts use. By the way, the author has 10 kids of his own, so he's got some first-hand knowledge of parenting, as well. He got his Masters at Case Western University and his Doctoral Degree is from Kent State University; I think it's always good to know where there training came from (or didn't come from as is too often the case!) As a side note, there are occasional mentions of God woven throughout the pages for those who might care one way or another.Overall, I'm grateful for the suggestion to have read this book. While I still prefer authors Chick Moorman and Dr. John Gottman, I do think this book is worth reading, too.
October 8, 2023
This book is excellent, I particularly loved the author’s humour throughout. My daughter, however, is not a fan - even though she has yet to read it 😉 The style of how it was written helpful: it didn’t take long to get through particular “issues”, and the advice was practical and direct. I did miss the advice for the smaller, younger children (ie toddlers!)
April 18, 2020
Perhaps this book deserves more than 3 stars, because I actually think the author has very very good discipline advice. My problem with the book, and therefore the marks down, is the lay-out. The book is broken into chapters, but honestly I don’t see what the difference is between one chapter to the next. Then within each chapter is just a few questions (from actual parents? I don’t know) and Dr. Guarendi’s answers. He infuses his answers with his sense of humor, which is fine and makes it a more fun read I suppose (except for the constant making up of kids’ names - by the end, I couldn’t take it any more!). But as with the chapters, I didn’t perceive any sort of order or similar subject among the questions in each chapter. So my problem is, I’ve read the whole book now, and came away with just a few nuggets tucked away in my discipline arsenal. That’s fine and helpful, but I would have loved, and what would have made this book soooo much better, is some sort of index, either by age or topic, or even better, BOTH! Maybe the nuggets that I have tucked away suited my kids ages 5-8, but what about in 3 years when I have 8-11 aged kids?! I don’t want to have to read the whole book again!
So here’s what I’ve done for you (and for me, so I don’t have to reread this). Here are some highlights that I want to remember.
The “I’m bored” situation:
“1. Don’t respond. Just return an amazed look that says “How could you possibly be?” - and walk away....
2. ‘I’m bored’ automatically leads to a) an essay on the pleasures of life, b) ten synonyms for ‘activity’ (or similar words) from the dictionary, defined and used in sentences, c) a written list of ten, or twenty, or whatever number of ‘things I’m grateful for.’
3. Create a ‘Bore Chores’ jar. (This is my favorite.) Put a number of routine household chores on slips of paper into a jar or box. Tell the kids that whenever you hear that somebody’s bored, you will assume they are asking for something to do. Whereupon they will be referred to, as one adolescent put it, the jar of torture. And don’t just threaten it. Expressed boredom leads to chores, period.”
The “nasty talk” situation:
“1. Each bout of nastiness leads to standing in a corner, sitting at the table with head down, or heading for their room anywhere from drive minutes to a half hour or more, depending upon the child’s age. Time doesn’t begin until all is quiet and time starts over if trouble starts over....
2. For nasty talk, Gabby will a) write twenty-fiver times (or some chosen amount) a sentence of your choosing; or b) copy a hundred-word-or-more paragraph, which you’ve composed on self-control, respect for others, controlling anger, and so on; or c) compose her own paragraphs, with the length depending upon the severity of the outburst....
3. Disrespect leads to work. {Job jar similar to bored jar above}...
4. If you want to teach respect all around, how about holding yourself answerable to the same standards? We grown-ups really have no more right to talk mean to the kids than they do us.”
A couple good quotes:
“If we linked expectations for our children to our own habits, waiting to discipline until we ourselves were well disciplined, would we ever discipline?”
“Discipline is action, not talk. Discipline with consequences, and you’ll discipline less. Discipline with mere words, and you’ll discipline more. Action discipline leads to calmer and quieter discipline. Wordy discipline leads to louder and meaner discipline.” <—-I would say this was the theme of the book and excellent advice. If you keep that in mind, you don’t have to read the book! But I will say, he gives lots of practical discipline ideas (essays, chores, lines, etc) now if only I could remember them all!
So here’s what I’ve done for you (and for me, so I don’t have to reread this). Here are some highlights that I want to remember.
The “I’m bored” situation:
“1. Don’t respond. Just return an amazed look that says “How could you possibly be?” - and walk away....
2. ‘I’m bored’ automatically leads to a) an essay on the pleasures of life, b) ten synonyms for ‘activity’ (or similar words) from the dictionary, defined and used in sentences, c) a written list of ten, or twenty, or whatever number of ‘things I’m grateful for.’
3. Create a ‘Bore Chores’ jar. (This is my favorite.) Put a number of routine household chores on slips of paper into a jar or box. Tell the kids that whenever you hear that somebody’s bored, you will assume they are asking for something to do. Whereupon they will be referred to, as one adolescent put it, the jar of torture. And don’t just threaten it. Expressed boredom leads to chores, period.”
The “nasty talk” situation:
“1. Each bout of nastiness leads to standing in a corner, sitting at the table with head down, or heading for their room anywhere from drive minutes to a half hour or more, depending upon the child’s age. Time doesn’t begin until all is quiet and time starts over if trouble starts over....
2. For nasty talk, Gabby will a) write twenty-fiver times (or some chosen amount) a sentence of your choosing; or b) copy a hundred-word-or-more paragraph, which you’ve composed on self-control, respect for others, controlling anger, and so on; or c) compose her own paragraphs, with the length depending upon the severity of the outburst....
3. Disrespect leads to work. {Job jar similar to bored jar above}...
4. If you want to teach respect all around, how about holding yourself answerable to the same standards? We grown-ups really have no more right to talk mean to the kids than they do us.”
A couple good quotes:
“If we linked expectations for our children to our own habits, waiting to discipline until we ourselves were well disciplined, would we ever discipline?”
“Discipline is action, not talk. Discipline with consequences, and you’ll discipline less. Discipline with mere words, and you’ll discipline more. Action discipline leads to calmer and quieter discipline. Wordy discipline leads to louder and meaner discipline.” <—-I would say this was the theme of the book and excellent advice. If you keep that in mind, you don’t have to read the book! But I will say, he gives lots of practical discipline ideas (essays, chores, lines, etc) now if only I could remember them all!
February 6, 2025
Every parent, new or seasoned, should read this book. In a world of permissive or “gentle” parenting, where moms and dads are confused about how to discipline, wondering if they’re being too strict or too lax, and being shamed or questioned by other people for having “too high of standards” for their children, this book quiets all that noise and reassures, motivates, and equips parents with the tools to raise decent, good, and mature members of society. My biggest takeaway: to be effective your discipline must be consistent. It may take days, months, or even years but consistency will eventually teach your child that bad behavior is not tolerated, will not get them what they want, and is detrimental to their overall well-being and success in life.
This book was so helpful and so encouraging to me as a new mom. I have been fearful and concerned about how my husband and I will discipline our children as they get older, but Dr. Ray’s book has given me the gift of being confident in myself because I am the most loving disciplinarian my children will ever have.
I truly cannot say enough good things about this book. It is so hands on, so practical, so hilarious, and so witty. I enjoyed every second of it. You will never be bored reading this. Without a doubt 5 stars.
This book was so helpful and so encouraging to me as a new mom. I have been fearful and concerned about how my husband and I will discipline our children as they get older, but Dr. Ray’s book has given me the gift of being confident in myself because I am the most loving disciplinarian my children will ever have.
I truly cannot say enough good things about this book. It is so hands on, so practical, so hilarious, and so witty. I enjoyed every second of it. You will never be bored reading this. Without a doubt 5 stars.
September 30, 2016
Gloriously confined to my room with a cold while my husband manages the children. (Guilty, but happy, sigh.) I'm currently in the middle of 6 books. D'oh! Time to finish them up or admit defeat.
Over half way though this book... LOVE it! This is the book on discipline that I've been needing to read. It talks about some specific techniques, but it is more about empowering and encouraging parents. Reading this book felt like finding water in the desert. Finally, the guidance I desperately needed as a new-ish parent.
I occasionally listen to the Dr. Ray radio program and he can be a bit blunt & harsh. Somehow this book sidesteps that. Reading (versus hearing) him is calming and encouraging.
Love the question and answer format.
I got this book through the library, but I want to own a copy to re-read and reference in the future.
UPDATE: Finished read it, LOVED it, bought my own copy for future reference.
Over half way though this book... LOVE it! This is the book on discipline that I've been needing to read. It talks about some specific techniques, but it is more about empowering and encouraging parents. Reading this book felt like finding water in the desert. Finally, the guidance I desperately needed as a new-ish parent.
I occasionally listen to the Dr. Ray radio program and he can be a bit blunt & harsh. Somehow this book sidesteps that. Reading (versus hearing) him is calming and encouraging.
Love the question and answer format.
I got this book through the library, but I want to own a copy to re-read and reference in the future.
UPDATE: Finished read it, LOVED it, bought my own copy for future reference.
October 9, 2014
I continue to be a huge fan of Dr. Ray. If you are a parent (and maybe even if you aren't) you should read his books.
January 10, 2026
One of the best parenting books I have read. I'm a big fan of Dr. Ray and his no nonsense, disciplinarian style of raising kids. He has 9 bullets on the final pages of his book that summarize his whole philosophy of parenting and discipline. The book has chapters and it's written more like a Q&A between him and parents. He tells you the mistakes parents make when disciplining their children in specific examples and his recommendations on what he did in a particular situation with his kids. He has 10 adopted kids, all ages and genders and now grown up. He is a Catholic so he doesn't preach woke parenting. His style is definitely more conservative and possibly fundamentalist, like no TVs in kids bedrooms, no cell phones for kids, if your kids friends don't follow your house rules you kick them out and hope that it either makes the unruly kid lose interest in the friendship or it improves the manner of the unruly/disrespectful kid and he becomes more like what you desire in a child.
February 21, 2018
If you are looking for a confirmation on issues you are already experiencing. This book is for you.
I was looking for helpful ways to discipline in certain situations. Many situations are listed in this book, but no methods that I was not already aware of... or really helpful for my son's issues. I am not disappointed, because the book was written very well with a lightness that puts you at ease. After reading it you feel like you are not alone.
I was looking for helpful ways to discipline in certain situations. Many situations are listed in this book, but no methods that I was not already aware of... or really helpful for my son's issues. I am not disappointed, because the book was written very well with a lightness that puts you at ease. After reading it you feel like you are not alone.
March 6, 2023
This book is excellent for clear, no nonsense guidance on discipline and behavior modification for raising children. The format makes it very difficult to get to “the meat” but I still enjoyed it and learned what I needed to know. I feel more confident as a parent having read this book. Dr. Ray Guarendi is one of the few experts who believes in loving but clear parental authority and I am definitely in his camp.
February 2, 2018
I like to return to this one every few years to remind myself how to disciple and that it is ok, appropriate and loving to do so.
I got the most out of chapters 4, 5 & 10. The rest is rather repetitious, especially if you listen to his radio show, but repetition is a good master and it helpful to see how he employs the same consequences to multiple different situations.
I got the most out of chapters 4, 5 & 10. The rest is rather repetitious, especially if you listen to his radio show, but repetition is a good master and it helpful to see how he employs the same consequences to multiple different situations.
April 7, 2023
The style- q&a, full of dad jokes, etc- gets old pretty quickly. Would be great at half the length. But the content was super helpful, and some repetition/going into every minute difference of situation was not a bad idea either- it’s a book I’ll keep around to reference for sure.
May 11, 2017
Essential parenting guide especially in this day and age.
October 14, 2018
Common sense, non-pop-psychological, moral approach to teenager problems. The stuff that our grandparents would have done but with modern application.
September 24, 2020
Practical advice, common sense parenting. When it comes to discipline, all that is needed is a patient parent with a consistently applied disciplinary method.
September 14, 2022
Lots of good, practical ideas. However, this book could have been edited to half its pages.
July 24, 2024
The most practical and useful parenting book I’ve come across. The author is a little goofy, but that’s easy to look past. I will use the strategies in this book for every stage of parenting.
September 23, 2024
Practical and realistic approaches that were exactly what I need in a book on discipline, and I appreciate Dr. Ray’s humor throughout!
May 7, 2023
1. You know what is best for your children
2. Authority is not a bad word
3. Discipline is not complicated - similar techniques can work for a wide range of problems. Likes sitting in the corner and writing essays. In fact, the simpler the better.
Talk is cheap - use if-then and actually implement (if you went out, then you will have to mow the lawn, if you are late then you will not go out next time)
Consistency is key - the same action gets the same discipline
Parents might not always agree on all discipline, but have some bourse rules and always agree on those.
2. Authority is not a bad word
3. Discipline is not complicated - similar techniques can work for a wide range of problems. Likes sitting in the corner and writing essays. In fact, the simpler the better.
Talk is cheap - use if-then and actually implement (if you went out, then you will have to mow the lawn, if you are late then you will not go out next time)
Consistency is key - the same action gets the same discipline
Parents might not always agree on all discipline, but have some bourse rules and always agree on those.
July 4, 2012
My husband and I listened to this book on the road to and from a family vacation. We really enjoyed that the author himself was the one who narrated the book. He has a quirky sense of humor and it comes across so much better when you hear him actually reading it himself. It was entertaining and practical. I did not agree with everything he said/wrote. Some things I felt were a little "out there" for us, but our daughter is also only two and a half, so we may feel differently when she gets to some of the ages and stages he talked about. But what irritated me the most was he would offer very in depth answers for some questions, and kind of skim over other things that needed more explanation. For instance, he supposedly rebutted many of the arguments against spanking, but I was left with more questions about it after his answer. I am still forming my opinions on spanking, and would like to be the kind of parent that does not resort to such punishment (because spanking is punishment, not discipline), but he didn't offer a lot of practical tips on how to avoid it. He even went so far as to claim it was necessary, something I am not altogether comfortable with. I just wish he would have gone more in-depth on the spanking issue, but I realize he was dealing with all ages in this book, not just with preschoolers, which is really what I want right now. But overall, a good listen, entertaining, funny, and many good tips. I will take what I liked and leave the rest.
July 29, 2010
Great book, very useful, written in a question-answer format. Author is humorous, doesn't take himself too seriously. Quick summary of the lessons in the book: trust your instincts, not so much "parenting experts"; although the earlier the better, it's never too late to start practicing discipline; CONSEQUENCES to bad behavior, not words and explanations; sometimes a good response to a child's whining is to not say anything; although consistency in discipline is nice, no one is ever completely consistent, so don't use that as an excuse to skip discipline; don't be afraid to be considered too strict by your own kids and your peers, stay strong. All sounds a bit general and common sense, but the book does have a lot of concrete suggestions in how to deal with specific behavior.
February 11, 2009
My husband likes Dr. Ray's show on Relevant Radio so I bought him this book for Father's Day last year. I then read it myself. Really liked it! I thought it took a very straight-forward, common sense approach and really helped me feel more confident in my parenting of our kids. Good discipline really is a gift, and my husband and I are living through the effects of what lousy (or non-existent) discipline does for a child. No child psychologist has all the answers and obviously you've got to take what you read and apply it to your own situation, being sensitive to the uniqueness of each of your children, but overall I found this to be a very encouraging read.
February 20, 2012
Good book. It’s full of discipline ideas, but doesn’t really come up with any theories or new concepts, other than ‘don’t feel bad about disciplining your children. It’s vitally important for their future that you discipline them now, so they don’t learn the same lessons later in life from someone who doesn’t love them like you do’.
It was also a pretty boring read, set up by listing questions, and responding to them.. for the entire book (loosely grouped by subject, into chapters).
I think I would like to read this again, when my daughter is 5 or so. Not super useful now (she’s 1.5).
It was also a pretty boring read, set up by listing questions, and responding to them.. for the entire book (loosely grouped by subject, into chapters).
I think I would like to read this again, when my daughter is 5 or so. Not super useful now (she’s 1.5).
April 29, 2010
Read this book two years ago and enjoyed the humor Ray Guarendi used to navigate the world of discipline. I have actually implemented some of his methods. I recently pulled the book off the shelf to revisit those techniques and to confirm that my brood of "wild things", are basically normal when compared to the real-life examples Dr. Ray references in this book.
June 16, 2014
Informative in a somewhat humorous way.
The examples are outdated, but still completely relevant. His play on words are subtle but funny. In a Q & A format. Gave me some good ideas on how to handle some inevitable situations in the future. I really liked the parents' toy box idea and other ones were interesting as well.
The examples are outdated, but still completely relevant. His play on words are subtle but funny. In a Q & A format. Gave me some good ideas on how to handle some inevitable situations in the future. I really liked the parents' toy box idea and other ones were interesting as well.
January 23, 2009
Dr. Ray offers a good dose of humor and solid, common-sense parenting advice. If you've heard him speak, or listened to his tapes, this is Dr. Ray in print. His advice doesn't change, but it does work. Just ask my ten kids!
July 18, 2012
Dr Ray must have been eaves dropping on my family as his stories sound very familiar. He gives some very good advice and his techniques seem very straight forward and effective. He has a great sense of humor as well which doesn't make reading his book a chore!
April 9, 2013
This book is absolutely marvelous! I wish I had read Dr. Ray's books long ago. He is fantastic in alleviating guilt, giving practical discipline tips for all ages, and promoting love--all with humor! I plan to read more of his books.
March 18, 2015
Dr. Ray gives good advice and this is written in a humorous way which makes it an easy read. We've always been proponents of consequences, even at a young age, so several of his examples resonated with me, though they may be a little outdated.
April 26, 2016
This is a good solid parenting book for large families. No vague or difficult to carry out prescriptions. No making you feel guilty because you want your child to behave in public and a good explanation of just what authority is.
March 20, 2008
This book completely changed my life.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews