“But the cat…would’ve died. If it had a mother, it would be fed. If we both left, who else would come? And if that’s all there is—then what I do is kinder.”
I’ve been making my way through the Neon Genesis Evangelion Manga Series. I like them, the characterisation isn’t drastically different to the Anime, just in bits and pieces, but then I got to Volumes 9, 10, & 11 and I was promptly destroyed. The main difference in the Manga to Anime is in it’s treatment of Kaworu, which I find fascinating.
Kaworu, in his grand total of 13 minutes of screen time stood out in multiple ways, given the fact everything he says is either religious, gay or vaguely autistic, but he was most notable in his relationship with Shinji. He was the one person who cared for Shiji’s happiness as his own, wanting nothing in return except the knowledge that it was true. He’s odd and awkward and difficult but kind and genuine in his wish for Shinji’s happiness.
“Maybe I was born to meet you.”
Kaworu is untouchable, Shinji’s guardian angel, a small light Shinji barely realises is in his own two palms. But Manga Kaworu is not, he is not any of those things. He is dark and visercal and *real*, a blackhole sucking up all it can. More than anything else, he is an angel, a being that cannot be understood by humans and cannot understand humanity in return. But he wants to understand, he wants to know of the disgusting feeling he gained from Rei’s contamination, to know why humans care despite endlessly hurting each other, he wants Shiji’s love, but can’t. And he is direct in those wants, he feels jealousy at Rei’s feelings, he encroaches on Shiji’s space, chides him for his grief, and he is horrifying. He honestly feels Lovecraftian in his design, this inescapable, unintelligible being, yet tangible in the vicerality of his feelings.
In the Anime, it’s clear that Shinji returns Kaworu’s feelings on some level, but because of his internalised homophobia & fragile masculinity, it isn’t something he can accept. On the other hand, Manga Shinji despises Kaworu, and with good reason. At a time when all of Shinji’s hopes for human connection have been severed, the harsh reality Kaworu’s propagates is far too much to bear. Made even worse by his desperation to be someone Shinji holds dear, even if it’s through hatred. He sees Shinji’s nightmares as a breathing problem, and out of his own morbid curiosity, kisses him to regulate it. He is happy at the fact he won’t need to get a bag, as well as the being flustered at his choice, then fails to understand Shinji’s distress. Kaworu mixes scientific fact with wild emotion, unable to truely understand the byproduct, because that is the world of human beings.
In his eyes, killing the kitten is easier for it than the life of suffering that awaits it. The final choice is decided anyway, because even if Shinji despises him, the act betrays him, it shows he cares. It is an action of both violence and kindness, love and hate. In his death, he is one of the people Shiji will remember, he will be someone Shiji wished to protect. In a life of observation and a decided fate, Kaworu wants choice by his own freewill, despite the end result being the same, he wanted to be loved by Shinji, as unintelligible as that is, and so asks to die by his hands.
The cat will have nothing left, alone, wandering the ruins, so to kill it is to be kind.