Tim Rowland's Creature Features

by Tim Rowland

When Tim Rowland’s earlier book of his animal essays, All Pets are Off, was published, readers immediately clamored for more. Their preference for animal stories over the political columns Tim’s also known for is understandable: animals are way more fun to read about than politicians. Especially now.

So here’s a new volume of over 75 columns, from the introduction to the farm of bovines Cleopatra and Heifertiti, the Belted Galloway beauties, to the further antics of Hannah the English Bulldog and Juliet the tiny Siamese---and of course, more of the joyful bouvier des Flandres named Opie---that’s sure to provide loads of smiles and even outright guffaws.

Tim Rowland is an award-winning columnist at Herald-Mail Media in Hagerstown, Maryland. He has written for numerous history and outdoor magazines and news syndicates nationwide. He has also authored several books, most recently Strange and Obscure Stories of the Civil War.

Tim is also keeper and lackey for a wide assortment of mostly non-useful, freeloading critters, aided as always by his trusty (well, mostly trusty) companion Opie.

160 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2012

Reviews

[Phillip Mclaughlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

The trials and tribulations of animal husbandry continues

Uproariously funny columns of the adventures of Tim Rowland and keeping a farm in Boonsboro, then across the river.
You have solid introductions to the hero’s( the animals, dogs, cat, cows, goats, alpacas sort of)
Followed in many short stories about their escapades.
By the end of this volume it’s a family of favourites you can root for.
Great easy reading entertainment. Recommend.

[Lori L (She Treads Softly) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tim Rowland’s Creature Features is a new collection of 75 essays from Rowland's column at Herald-Mail Media in Hagerstown, Maryland. The essays, written between June 2008 and October 2012, are all about the animals Tim and his wife Beth lived with on their "Little Farm by the Creek" in Boonsboro, Maryland.

Rowland writes:
"Will Rogers said he ever met a man he didn’t like; by contrast, my wife Beth and I never met an animal we didn’t like. No question about it, our course is less challenging than Mr. R’s. But that doesn’t mean that our souls have not been tried time and time again, and our patience stretched well beyond the breaking point to the regions where it snaps and sends us over top of Mars." Page 11


"So we started with a pair of dairy goats. Or maybe it was the flock of chickens. It all starts to run together at this point. Pretty soon we had an ark-like assembly of about every farm animal that comes to mind. People who collect cars go through the same dynamic, I suppose. After a while the frame of logic shifts from 'Do we need it?' to 'What’s one more?' ” Page 12

"So with this collection of essays, I am letting animals past and present know that I forgive them. I absolve them of their sins, because hopefully some good has come from it, and I can focus on the laughs and entertainment they have provided to both myself and, hopefully, the reader.
Now if only the animals can see their way clear to forgive me. Page 12

Their wide assortment of animals (pets if they have a name, food if they don't) include: Juliet, the Siamese cat; Hannah the bulldog; Opie the Bouvier des Flandres; Magellan the zucchini eating pig, Roosters Stink and Chuckles, Doodlebug the cantankerous miniature horse; Cappy the horse, cows Cleopatra, Heifertiti, and the princesses; goats Hillary and Horsefly; plus horses, donkeys, more goats, llamas, chickens, geese, more pigs, and turkeys.

Some of the essays included in this collection are:
Egyptian royalty takes up residence on farm
Patch makes horse berry upset
Magellan the pig as adventurous as namesake
Ill-fitted pair finds short-term love on the farm
Cats live to make people look foolish
Broody duty has disastrous underpinnings
Rooster that eats stink bugs not for sale at any price
Chuckles the rooster avoids date with death
Goats, pigs compete for overconditioned kudos
This Thanksgiving promises to be the best ever
British invasion brings changes in pig culture
Turkeys go to big garnished platter in the sky
Darwin was wrong: Sometimes it’s “survival of the most pathetic.”
An Elizabethan collar by any other name would be a ‘Happy Hat”

This collection was hilarious. I laughed, hooted, snorted, whooped, chortled, wheezed, sputtered, chuckled, snickered, guffawed, howled... In other words, as I was reading Tim Rowland’s Creature Features, I sounded like I belonged on Tim and Beth Rowland's farm. The stories are short and easy to read, but thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining. The word play Rowland engages in is a great part of what made these short essays so wonderful and satisfying. I wish I could share one of his columns with you, but you'll have to settle for some selected quotes below and read the book.

I'd like to also read Tim Rowland's earlier book, All Pets are Off, which is more about his pets while Creature Features focuses on other animals on the farm.

Very Highly Recommended - I loved this collection!

[Sandra Olshaski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tim Rowland’s Creature Features by Tim Rowland
ISBN: 978-0-9761597-3-5
Published by: High Peaks Publishing
Published: November 2012
Trade Paperback, 160 pages


I enjoyed reading this laugh-out-loud series of essays about the exploits and “personalities” of a large menagerie of animals sharing a farm (or farmette) as the author calls it, with him and his wife. What animal lover could resist the cows, Cleopatra and Heifertiti, a horse named Cappucino aka Cappy, a blond (?) bulldog called Hannah, a mini horse known as Doodlebug, or the ever-present and lovable bouvier des Flandres dog, Opie? And there are a multitude (or so it seemed to me) of other animals to meet and laugh about. And there are plenty of political comments (mostly American) thrown in for good measure.

The title of each essay is original and funny, i.e. Pants on the Trees Keep Water in the Trough (hilarious story), British Invasion Brings Changes in Pig Culture, Birds of a Feather Get Stuck in Stovetop Vent Together. In the essay entitled Essence of Bovinity Something to Chew On the author reveals that the decoding of the genome of the common cow took 6 years, cost $53 million and involved 200 scientists from 25 countries. So basically, decoding a cow genome is as involved as developing the software for Photoshop, says the author…..wasn’t sure whether I should laugh at that or not.

Here is an excerpt from the chapter on unusual dog breeds: “Labradoodle. Just stop it, OK? I don’t want to hear of any of these designer breeds cooked up just because they result in a clever name. I don’t want to hear about any Pomertriever or Bassetweiler or Cockerpincher or any other compound hound. It just smacks of elitism….” The chapter on Hattie the chicken ends this way: “The self-help chicken books are full of advice and cures concerning physical ailments, but they are silent on the matter of moral imperfections. So I am left with little recourse, other than to erect a rather embarrassing sign at the end of the drive: Beware of the Chicken.” For the whole story, read the book.

This is a quick read when you need a picker-upper and/or makes a delightful gift for a friend who revels in animal tales.

[Wall-to-wall books - wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Are you an animal lover? Do you have a dog, or cat or both and a few goats, chickens and a pig or two? If you do than this just might be the book for you! This is a collection of cute anecdotes all about different happenings with animals. They are all short, simple, sweet, sometimes humorous, and quick to read.
Here are a few of the story titles -

Blondes have more fun - even Bulldogs
Acorn shortage sends squirrels into tailspin
Cats live to make people look foolish
Rooster that eats stink bugs not for sale at any price
The goop and the poop about goats
When pigs fly they need a pet carrier

And that's just a few of the cute titles.

One of my favorite ones is -Animals are Only Human After All.

"IF anything, animals can trump most of our undesirable characteristics...
The Alpacas spend all day spitting at each other; goats will chase other goats away from the haymow, even though there's plenty to go around; donkeys will scream if we dare feed other animals before they have had theirs; and a chicken of ours named Hattie will come up and peck at the back of your leg if you are favoring another animal with too much attention.
But these are minor vices compared to the geese - two of the most lawless and unlovable birds that ever roamed the face of the earth.They are as loud as a band of drunken pirates and mean as sin." ~this is so true, have you ever been chased by a goose?

I only had two minor disappointments when reading this book - There were no pictures. Yes, I know its nit-picky and doesn't take away from the stories... but I was really expecting pictures! I wanted pictures. And I was hoping this would be a book that I could read to my daycare children. And while it is very clean enough for children I just don't think they would keep their attention (some of the stories might). So maybe read it out load to the family while the children are playing with their Gameboy DS's, LOL.

THE ALL-IN-ALL -
All in all this was a cute, sweet collection of shorts. Fun to take on the road with you. Fun to read out loud to the hubby! A nice book to just maybe read one or two stories a day, take your time and enjoy them.

[Lelia Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Books that feature animals and their antics are right up my reading alley—in fact, you might say I’m a complete pushover for them. Mention one to me and I’m all over it, maybe because they’re almost always highly entertaining and bring both laughter and tears. I’m glad to say that Tim Rowland’s Creature Features is no exception.

Mr. Rowland’s stories revolve around the small farm he and his wife had in Maryland and it’s clear this farm was just like the one I have always secretly wanted, a handful of animals that might be found on any farm. In this case, though, the farm animals are clearly part of the family, much like the pets that live in the house. I loved reading about Juliet, the long-suffering cat, and her canine companions, Hannah and Opie, but I was every bit as entertained by the antics of the trio of perpetually loud and bad-tempered geese and Magellan, the easy-to-please pig who’s probably the only really sane one of the bunch and is the answer to the question of what to do with the overwhelming homegrown crops of zucchini.

Then there’s the tyrannical miniature horse, Doodlebug, and Cappy, the very large horse who believes a paricular fruit is out to get her. A pair of very likeable heifers who view a visiting bull with disdain and a few alpacas who spend their time spitting add to the fun but I think my favorite of all is Chuckles, the rooster who came up with a very clever way of escaping the freezer.

Little Farm by the Creek is a place I would have been delighted to visit but, failing that, the author’s stories are the next best thing. This is a collection I’ll be re-reading frequently. My daughter and her two cats share my house with me and my cat; two days ago, Sassy, my daughter’s 18-year-old kitty, passed away and Tim Rowland’s Creature Features has brought a good deal of comfort at such a sad time.

Reviewed by Lelia Taylor, February 2013.

[Mason · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being an animal lover, I couldn’t resist reading author Tim Rowland’s CREATURE FEATURES as part of his Premier Virtual Book Tour. I’m so glad I did.

This is a light-hearted look at life on the farm…Rowland-style. This delightful book is a collection of warm and funny essays from Rowland’s newspaper column. He shares how the animals in his and his wife Beth’s life make for interesting and sometimes unexpected adventures.

CREATURE FEATURES is comprised of more than 75 essays on the various animals and their exploits. The stories will bring you to tears from laughing. Those with animals can relate on so many levels to the mishaps and triumphs having pets will bring.

This is a quick and easy book to read. The stories flow from one adventure to the next giving you insight into living the farm life. The stories are written in a down-to-earth style that reminds me of a friend sharing daily happenings with you.

While CREATURE FEATURES is a must read for animal lovers, it’s also an entertaining book for those without animals in their lives. For some, it might entice you to get a pet and for others it will be a timely reminder of why you’re pet less. Either way, the book will bring a little laughter into your life.

If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to live with chickens, cows, horses, a pig, donkeys, goats, along with a dog, cats and much more - pick up a copy of CREATURE FEATURES and get inspired.

Rowland is an award-winning columnist at Herald-Mail Media in Hagerstown, Maryland. He has written for numerous history and outdoor magazines and news syndicates nationwide.

FTC Full Disclosure - I requested this book as part of the author’s virtual book tour. An eBook copy of the book was sent to me by the author in hopes I would review it. However, receiving the complimentary copy did not influence my review.

[Rebecca Graf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Picture
I enjoy a lot of books throughout the year, but there are only one or two that have me laughing and sharing with my family. Tim Rowland's Creature Features is the one that has started my 2013 off reading schedule with delight.

Life is not boring at Tim Rowland's farm. With unique creatures that have unique personalities, the reader finds themselves watching the stalking of donkeys, the deception of a dog, the difficult amorous adventures of bovines, and geese that will have your sides in stitches.

The book is made up of the various column pieces Tim has written about his life. It is not the least bit boring. In fact, you might find the most fun you've ever had in a book. I almost cried over the gender issues of the geese, laughed out loud about the lost bear, and totally lost it over the presidential choice of a dog. I read a section to my fourteen year old son who has asked me to get the print copy so he could steal it from me.

The characters are the best. The animals are so vividly described that you could swear you experienced the attack of the goats and the antics of the pig. Each one is so unique and expressive.

Tim's style of writing is entertaining. He brings in history, politics, entertainment, and so much more into this descriptions of life on his farm. He even taught me a few things. I loved it. I read pieces out loud to my family as his style of writing was perfect for it. It is extremely expressive.

I will be buying the print copy of this book. It has been one of the most delightful reads.

Note: I was provided this book in regard to a book tour with no expectation of a positive review.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tim Rowland's Creature Features Is Laugh Out Loud Funny

Yes, I mean that literally. As I was reading this on my Kindle, my family kept staring at me and demanding to know what was so dang funny.

Rowland is an award-winning columnist at the Herald-Mail Media in Hagerstown, Maryland. This book is a collection of his columns, which chronicle life on a small farm with his wife Beth and various critters.

I was on the fence about accepting Creature Features for review, but as you probably know, I can't resist a genuine animal lover. Plus my dad is also a newspaper columnist, and I figured people in this underappreciated profession -- and their relatives -- need to stick together. I was delighted to find out how much I loved Rowland's intelligent, articulate, and witty style of writing. A nice diversion from my own life with three feral dogs and the two-legged critters to whom I answer to "Mom."

Most of these columns are about the ups, downs, and absurdities of life on a hobby farm. There are also glimpses of nature, as local wildlife comes into the picture, as well as occasional snippets about politics, history, and the benefits of eating locally produced food.

The closest I've ever been to farm life is visiting a local farm to collect my meat share. So while this provided light, fun reading, I also learned a bit about farming and animal husbandry. Including the fact that when a mare is "in season," it's essentially “Twelve hundred pounds of PMS.” A thought that chills me to the marrow of my bones.

[Marianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you enjoy the occasional short story? Or read favorite humor columns in the weekly paper?
This book is based on Tim Rowland's adventures on his hobby farm with his collection of numerous animals from the house cat to the geese. Most times humorous, and I had a difficult time putting it down because it was, after all, just a short story, and I just had to find out what he wrote about next. My mom, sitting in the room with me, wondered what I was laughing at, and though I know she will read it as well, I could not help but paraphrase the story. An animal lover myself, and having had a little experience with a few of the same type of animal as mentioned, I could agree with him many times. And those who are not as fond of animals as I am will agree with him on the difficulties of dealing with the creatures. I definitely recommend you to read it, and would be surprised if you could not think of someone of your acquaintance who would need to read it too! Enjoy!

I received this book free from Virtual Author Book Tours for the purpose of reviewing it. A positive critique was not required, only an honest one. The opinions stated are my own.

[Ruth Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book an absolute delight to read! It is short, and it is full of witty and unbelievable stories. While I don't live on a farm, we have 14 cats, one dog, four goats, and some fish. I could completely relate to many of the stories he told. My favorite still was the coffee grinder story (read it for yourself).

I am so pleased to say this is a clean book. No profanity nor sex, and there are even Bible references. It is clear that the author has a wonderful sense of humor, and he sure knows how to tell a story. I plan to keep this for the stories he shares alone! I would recommend reading a chapter a day because I think you will get more if you just read it a little bit at a time.

If you are animal lover and would like a fun, light read, this is definitely it! I hope he publishes a sequel.

I was sent a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. I was not financially compensated , and all opinions are 100 percent mine.

[Patty · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a series of essays about living with and being owned by one's animals. At least that's how I read them. Being owned by a number of animals myself I completely understand the frustration, love and comedy that arises from the relationship.

Mr. Rowland's essays cover a range of animals from dogs and cats to cows, chickens, goats and more. They are written in an easy, fun to read style that had me oftentimes shaking my head in recognition of the antics of the specific animal starring at the moment. I of course, was most fond of the goat stories since my life is somewhat goat-centric but the dog stories were as entertaining and heartwarming.

The book is one to have at hand to read an essay here and there when you have a short burst of time and need a smile. I can see myself reaching for it again and again as a right before bed calm down from more exciting reading. The stories are really a joy. This would make such a wonderful gift for the animal lover in your life.

[Gigi Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first time I've read a book by this author, Tim Rowland. I love books about animals and their funny antics. And I loved this book! He brought back memories when we lived on the farm. We retired from farming almost 15 years ago.

So many short essays about his pet capers were such a delight to read. I am not much of a re-reader of books, but I feel sure I will be reading my favorites often. I think that any pet lover will enjoy reading this book. I'm just sorry I missed his first book about pets, "All Pets Are Off." I can't seem to find it on my Nook or Kindle, so will have to visit the bookstore and see if they have one on their shelf.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tim Rowland’s Creature Features is a series of animal essays about life on The Little Farm by the Creek.
It is so hilarious I was laughing out loud.

Even when I couldn’t sleep at 2 am and grabbed my Kindle to read a feature or two – I cackled like many of the creatures he writes about.

If you love animals - you will love and laugh at this book.

[Lori Crane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious, laugh-out-loud, short stories of life on the farm. If you love animals, you will love this book and the sharp wit of the author. Bravo!

[Sanch Writes · Rating 3 out of 5]

My review: www.overacuppacoffee.com/book-review-...