Voltaire's Adventures Before Candide: And Other Improbable Tales

by Martin D. Gibbs

A famous philosopher. A giant meat cleaver. A sordid tale of love, revenge, hatred, and interstellar shenanigans, all stirred in a giant copper pot and boiled with leeks. This is the never-before-told bizarro history of the illustrious François-Marie Arouet, known to the world as Voltaire. This is pain! This is suffering! This is wild, sticky-sweat-between-the-sheets action! Inter-dimensional space and time travel, space-brides, desiccated planets, great literature, and Slobodan Milosevic, too.

We invite you to the party. Please bring your own soap and Quaaludes.

Genres: Bizarro Fiction

143 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Martin Gibbs writes in several genres, from fiction to fantasy to bizarro. He enjoys cross-country skiing, biking, and burning béarnaise sauce. He has two very active boys who share his wild imagination, and a wonderful wife who supports all the craziness.

He lives in the tropical paradise of MN.

Reviews

[Arthur Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

A few years ago, back when I was still reviewing for Big Al's Books and Pals, I woke up one morning to find that I'd completely cleaned out my book queue. So I went to the boss and I said to him, "Hey Al, got anything weird for me today?" By and large, we received boatloads of fairly typical genre fiction in those days, and so I usually had to settle for fairly typical genre fiction. But every so often, Al would toss a true gem my way, something fun and interesting that defied all categorization. On this particular day, he tossed me Voltaire's Adventures Before Candide, which I promptly read and reviewed for his blog.

I subsequently became acquainted with the author, Martin D. Gibbs, and he informed me that he'd already been working on the next installment in his ongoing Voltaire saga. He told me what it was about (Jane Eyre, of all things), I had myself a look, and eventually we decided to write the thing together, combining both it and the original tale into a Voltaire omnibus of sorts. I suggested that we take it to Bizarro Press, which had recently published my own book, Editorial. After procuring a snazzy new cover and enlisting the invaluable copy editing services of our mutual friend Richard Van Holst, we were both quite certain we'd produced a book unlike any ever written before, and we were both quite excited to unleash it upon the unsuspecting public. We tittered like masturbating squirrels late into the night, imagining people's reactions.

Thing is, it never sold. We could hardly even give it away, such was the utter lack of interest out there. Apparently we'd slipped into a gap between two markets that effectively canceled each other out, simultaneously targeting both readers of bizarro fiction and readers of classic lit, failing to account for the general lack of overlap between them. Where on earth were we gonna find readers with interests broad enough to bridge that gap, and how in the hell were we gonna convince them that this was a book worth reading? It's a question we're still trying to answer to this day.

I'm pleased to announce that Martin and I have been working on yet another Voltaire book, this one dealing with The Great Gatsby, but in the meantime we've decided to re-release our first book independently, and I'd like to mark the occasion by offering free review copies to anyone interested in reading it. Simply message me your email address and I will send it to you, possibly including a bonus book as well.

Thanks in advance for your support!

[Arthur Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read my review of the new edition here.

Do you sometimes sit there, in your chair, wondering what it all means? Why are we even upon this planet? What insane person decided to place us here and give us these meaningless, hopeless, idiotic chores to complete? As if we were blind rats in a maze of corn. This story will not answer any of these questions. The following is a bizarre story about Voltaire before he sat down to write Candide. I hope that it will at least take your mind off the screaming hell that is reality.

— Martin D. Gibbs

Warning: The following contains material that may be harmful to the sane.

All Voltaire wants to do is finish writing his book, but somehow he keeps getting distracted. After flying to Mercury and getting hitched to Princess Wonkie-Do, he spends some time in an insane asylum, takes a detour to planet Zendor, and returns to Earth where he joins a traveling circus. Events continue to unfold in this vein: Balls to the wall, methodically random madness.

When he isn't busy crashing his spaceship into giant asteroids, Voltaire enjoys a series of comic misadventures involving a meat cleaver (which he did not have in 1484), Plutonian psychiatrists, and the galactic communist conspiracy. At one point early on, he realizes that he still has a book to write back home. And then,

"After looking at a blotch on Mercury for twenty minutes, Voltaire gave in to free will and started skipping and singing in a girlish voice. There was nothing left to do. Nothing. As he skipped and danced, his song took on a very high pitch, and he started squealing about the little goblins and his long-lost friend, the Earl of Doncaster."

Naturally, after a time I came to doubt Voltaire's oft-expressed desire to return home and resume working on his book. Still, since this is Voltaire's Adventures BEFORE Candide we're discussing here (and not its sequel), I was eventually able to forgive him.

If only to discover WTF happens next, we follow the protagonist on a quest marked by eruptions of incidental violence and stream-of-consciousness happenings. On his excursion to Zendor, "two men knifed Voltaire in the gut forty-eight times before he found the courage to knee them in areas that stung quite a bit." However, while attempting to make his escape, "more pressing matters were pushing themselves to the forefront, especially the giant goat's spleen on the main control panel" of his miraculously still-intact spaceship.

And so it goes. It therefore comes as no surprise when:

"Our great author sped off to Pluto and left the priest with the psychiatrists. They were so intent on the strange man gurgling, they did not notice Voltaire inside of his mongoose costume. 'I am the Scarlet Pimpernel!' he screamed to no one. Smiling, he went squealing off for Earth."

This book boasts one of the silliest storylines ever, but the style in which it's written is nevertheless quite engaging. While it reads more like a rough-cut puree of fever dreams, science fiction, and boyhood fantasies of destruction than anything I've ever read, it all congeals together rather nicely despite its decided lack of form. Perhaps this sentiment is summed up best by Eddy Baby, another main "character" who shows up about two-thirds of the way through:

"Did you REALLY believe, that even in my wildest dreams, I would accept those jellyfish LIES you fed me with my kippers? Did you think I could actually DRINK that chalk? Do you like me? Why is the room spinning...? Good... GOOD!!! Now I understand why this planet has wings... Ha! Ha! I LIKE this game, don't you? Don't you love to eat those little cream puffs, too? Why not? YOU BASTARD!!!"

If this passage doesn't appeal to you, then the rest of Voltaire's Adventures Before Candide probably won't either. I'd heed the author's introductory warning if I were you, especially if you're one of those finicky readers who value something so overrated as your sanity.

NOTE: This review pertains to the titular story alone, and does not cover any of the other improbable tales included in this expanded and revised edition.

[Leo Robertson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was invited to review this book since I had read ‘the sequel’, and I must say it shed some frightening light on Candide. How dare Voltaire offer us something so calm when this true testament to his life was so much more exciting?!?!?! I mean, Candide visited like… one planet, as I recall, and it was the one he was already on. Voltaire on the other hand, visited somewhere within the range of 2 to a f**kton. For example. An he did a whole load of other stuff too, like he went on an adventure to find Jane Eyre (the one who wrote Wuthering & Prejudice) an other stuff what I won’t even tell you about it because you’ll have to read :D

Great daft fun.

If somebody put Zombie Kurt Vonnegut’s hands in a blender, he’d probably have written something like this, and personally, I can think of no higher praise.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review copy kindly provided by editor and GR friend Arthur Graham.

Martin Gibbs' first story Voltaire's Adventures Before Candide, is loads of fun. It's a string of wacky adventures loaded with hilarious twists and turns and loops, like an intergalactic roller-coaster ride. You get off, and you say breathlessly: "Wowwee! That was fun! I want to go again! Can I, Mom, can I pleeeeeeeeease?"

This revised and expanded version allows you that second ride.

The new Adventures Before Candide has kept a lot of that whimsical, unpredictable quality of its earlier manifestation. But I found it also more engaging because there's more structure to it. Voltaire and some of the supporting cast are better developed. "Our heroic philosopher" actually has something to do besides evading space psychiatrists with devious intentions and a plot against the er, plutocracy.

Voltaire's freaky space-brides become more interesting, and have bigger roles. Several of Charlotte Brontë's more memorable characters are pulled off the Victorian bookshelf for an airing--or is that an eyring?

Here's a list of some of the things you will find:

Pop culture send-ups? Check.

A certain aura of verisimilitude? Well sort of. Okay, we'll give Gibbs that one. Check.

Literary resonances? Check.

Historical figures? Check.

Kick-ass hero? Check.

Sassy heroines? Well, that depends how you define heroines, but, Check.

Reluctant oddball sidekick? Check.

Heroic feats? See comment above for Sassy heroines. Check.

Silly puns? Why else do you think I read this thing? Check.

Violence? You betcha. Look at the cover. He's got a cleaver! Check.

Romantic adventures? Check.

Rips in the space-time continuum? Check.

Any more questions?

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was laugh out loud funny in parts. It also got me to read Candide which I think helped me get some of the parody aspects of the story. The plot was strange and parts of it were nonsensical but it was a blast to read. Fun stuff.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to say, "Candide" would have been a lot easier to understand if I'd known previously about Voltaire's habit of taking off his clothes in public, slicing into people with a cleaver (that he didn't have in 1484), and getting locked up in a mental asylum on Pluto. It's much clearer to me now. On a more serious note, this is fast and fun. The elaborateness of the convolutions are particularly impressive. It would be hard not to have a good time reading this one. Good thing Voltaire's dead so he can't sue.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Did you know that before Voltaire ever sat down to pen his famous book, Candide he went on space adventures that went horribly awry, wielded a cleaver (which he didn't have in 1484), and enjoyed a good game of Skip Bo?

If you didn't know that, then you must pick up this book immediately! It makes fun of Voltaire's endless use of dialogue, his use of a rambling narrative arc, plot holes, and philosophy - which is dependent on random strings of words and double meanings.

Oh, and for the females out there, Voltaire has an interesting adventure with the wonderful Jane Eyre, which I really enjoyed.

This book definitely "took my mind off the screaming hell that is reality," so I am eternally grateful to the author that penned this bizarre tome, and to Arthur for sending it to my kindle to be devoured with cream sauce in between doctors appointments, while I'm trying to heal my leg after being hit by a car.

[Rodney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book for free in return for an honest review. I will start by saying that this chaotic, wacky book does not care what you think. It does what it wants and says what it wants. The adventures here are pretty epic. Voltaire had so many other characters fucking with him and getting in the way of his progress. He and his cleaver take it pretty well though. At first the absurdity seemed a bit much, but I certainly changed my tune after getting further into it. There was also some self-depreciating humor from the authors that also fit well within the context. Overall, I liked it because it was different. If you are in the mood for some crazy adventure time, you should too.

[Trevor Pearson · Rating 2 out of 5]

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[Amador · Rating 1 out of 5]

puerile, full of clichés, the kind of thing you would expect from a child with bad ADHD but without very much imagination. I regret the time spent reading it. Life is too short and precious to waste on this crap... of course, this is just my humble opinion, there are all types, and I do enjoy the odd bizarro literature every now and then, but this is just crap and a very blasphemous use of the name Voltaire (if he were religious), again IMHO :)

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

I haven't read Voltaire, maybe that was the problem. I don't like slap stick humor that seems hell bent on trying to prove an inside track to some vein of life I've never traveled. I was doomed from the beginning.

[Ihatethatguy]

I've entered the draw for this book via Goodreads Giveaways.
I hope that I manage to snag a copy. If not, I'll have to just fork out the dough.
This book seems to be right up my alley as lately the only books I can stomach are bizarro books.